Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 8 - Rich Mork, Poor Mork - full transcript
Mork makes an investment in a boutique of Exidor "originals".
[MEARTH CRYING]
No, don't cry, please.
Hi.
Hey, what's wrong with Mearth?
- There's been a death in the family.
- What?
His spider died.
What? Herman?
Oh, poor baby.
Well, I guess you're not in the mood
for seeing the nice present
your mommy and I got for you.
What?
Presents, Mearth.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Look, a giant lollipop.
Oh, my gosh!
That is a big sucker.
Boy, I guess this is just
about the best present I ever got.
Or is it?
Aw, Grandma. Ha, ha.
Whoo.
Gosh, you know something,
Grandma?
And Mommy and Daddy?
You see inside there's Mr. Silver.
That's what I'm going to call him,
Mr. Silver Helmet.
Mm. Here we go.
[MIMICKING PLANE BUZZING]
Oh, Mind,
a minute ago he was crying,
and now from zero to bliss
in 60 seconds. Look at that.
Well, Mork, you see, with children,
sometimes just a little present
will do a world of good.
- Oh, a little preschool Abscam.
MINDY: Ha, ha.
Mearth, don't do that in the house.
You might break something.
[MEARTH CONTINUES
MIMICKING PLANE BUZZING]
MORK & MINDY:
Oh.
MORK:
Look at her go, son. A loop-de-loop.
Wait a minute, Mayday,
Mayday, there's a Chihuahua
on the landing field.
[MORK SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
Oh, don't look, son.
The little Chihuahua had an overbite
and he got your plane.
What happened?
Mr. Silver was eaten by a doggy.
First it was…
First it was Herman, my spider,
and now Mr. Silver, in the airplane.
I just don't have any friends,
Grandma.
CORA:
Oh, don't cry, Mearth.
Don't cry. You still have your lollipop.
I guess you're right.
Ooh! But Herman, he's stuck to it.
Oh, well, son, look at the good side.
Now you got an all-day spider.
He's a lot bigger
than I remember him.
MINDY:
Here, Mearth, hand Mommy your coat.
[BOTH GASP]
Mommy.
The tooth fairy
has been keeping up with inflation.
Gee, I wonder who could be
behind all this.
Surprise!
No, not really.
Oh, son, look.
All this is for you.
You're never gonna be sad
or cry again.
No, never. Even that big TV?
Yes, you'll finally see all the lines
on Dick Clark's face.
Mork, why does our place
look like Bob Barker's den?
I don't know, Mind.
Maybe Bob has the same couch.
Ride on this great big
green grasshopper.
Isn't it marvelous, Mind?
I feel just like UNICEF.
Mork, these things
have got to go back.
This is no way to raise a child.
You'll spoil him with all these gifts.
I am still making the same salary
for three
as when there were just two of us.
And we have to dip
into our emergency savings account
just to feed him.
He eats more than Trigger.
MORK:
Mind, come on, now…
I'm sorry, Mork,
but this stuff goes back.
Not the harp, though, Mind.
Not the harp.
Mind, you don't understand, like…
He…
Mearth is a musical prodigy.
The other day we were going past
a music store… Let me show you.
Mearth? Mearth, son.
- Yes?
- Will you play that…?
- That concerto you wrote for Mommy?
- Surely.
Okay, this is for you and Mommy.
A concerto.
[SINGING]
Winter's coming
There's snow on the windowsill
Winter's coming
There's Uncle Bill
Listen to the leaves
They're all gone
As I sing this autumn song
There's winter
Snowfall, snowbells
Everybody's dancing in the snow
And I see you
Whoa.
Mind, isn't that beautiful?
He wrote that himself.
Yes, Mork, that was cute.
You tell him it goes back.
I want him to have everything
I've never had and still don't.
It's no way to raise a child.
Don't you see?
If you give him everything now,
he'll have nothing
to look forward to later.
- You've gotta tell him.
- Oh, it's gonna be so hard.
- It'll break his little heart.
- Mm-hm. You tell him.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
It was your idea.
All right. I know that.
- Mearth?
- Yes?
- Son?
- Yes?
- You're really not our child.
- What? Mork!
All right, Mind.
I was just kidding, Mearth.
You see, the real truth
of the matter is that, well,
your mother and I
are getting divorced.
Mind, after two of those,
this is gonna be an emotional lay-up,
you know what I'm saying?
Mearth, the real truth is that
we can't afford all these little goodies,
and they've gotta all go back.
I'm sorry.
I read you.
You just…
You and Mom don't love me anymore.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- I can handle it. I can handle it.
I know what it is to be crushed.
I lost a spider today.
I lost a man in an airplane.
The dog ate him.
Surely I can handle you.
- You just don't love me anymore.
MINDY: No, Mearth.
Oh, no. Don't start.
No, it's okay.
I'll find, you know… I'll find something
to do upstairs in my room.
Like maybe, you know, playing
with the shadows on the ceiling.
Well, are you happy now, Mind?
Oh, Mork, he'll get over it.
As painful as it seems now,
it was all for the best.
You don't wanna spoil him like that.
You're right, Mind. Yeah.
He wouldn't have looked good
in this fur coat anyway.
What size is that?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
EXIDOR:
Answer the door already.
Never mind. I'll get it myself.
Mork, you're late.
I'm having a barbecue.
I just dropped over
to borrow a spatula
and a grill, some briquettes,
hamburgers, buns, matches
and a volleyball net.
How come you're not there?
Well, I wasn't invited.
Just as well.
This is for
my musical-comedy workshop only.
Exidor, you've gotta help me.
I wanna shower my son with gifts,
and Mindy says we can't afford it.
Who's right?
Mork, I'd like to help you,
but this is the wrong time.
I got 40 starving people
in my backyard singing "Brigadoon."
You need money, go find work.
Well, I've tried to find a job,
but I have no skills.
Well, that leaves real estate.
Please, I have some pride.
Mork, I'd like to help… What?
There's always one idiot
who comes to a barbecue
who doesn't eat meat.
Now, regarding this problem
with your son…
Exidor, either you've had a revelation,
or someone just kicked a field goal.
Mork, I've just had a vision
of incredible clarity.
It was just like having the cable.
I now know how you can take care
of all your family's financial needs.
Mork,
money is the key to happiness.
And the only way to make money
is to spend money.
Mork, you've got to make
that once-in-a-lifetime investment
that will take care
of all your family's financial needs.
Well, Exidor, all we have is $900
and my stock in Air Libya.
Perfect.
This will be bigger
than Polaroid, Genentech
and bootleg tapes rolled into one.
What's the one thing
the world needs more of?
Nixon impersonators.
I'm talking about bigger, grander,
something the world keeps crying
for more of.
- What?
- Me!
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
Guillermo,
keep an eye on the store.
I'm going in the back for more
inspected-by-number-seven tags.
Who would have thought
Mickey Mantle would end up this way?
Wow.
Come on, Mind.
This place is wonderful,
just like what the Marquis de Sade
would've done if he'd gone into retail.
Yeah, this is a great location, Mork.
You walk
through an animal hospital,
knock twice,
ask for a man named Juanita,
then slide down a pole.
How many times you see a hamster
neutered on your way into Macy's?
Oh, isn't this to die over?
I see 20 things I already wanna get.
Oh, Mindy. Yeah.
I don't…
I don't see 20 things I can identify.
Look, Mind, you'd look smashing
in something like this.
Oh. Anthony Quinn wouldn't look
smashing in something like that.
I think Exidor
is onto something hot here, Mind.
I think he's got a great new concept.
You've heard of Old Amos?
Well, how about these? Exidoreos.
It's a great new concept:
Chocolate, cheese and meat.
BOTH:
Mm.
Look, Mork, I admire Exidor's initiative,
but if somebody told me
he was gonna open a store,
this is exactly what I'd expect.
I mean, it's just… It's just ridiculous.
Oh, Mind, you call this ridiculous?
Yeah, I'd say
that just about defines the word.
Mindy, come on,
you can't be so negative.
You've gotta find something positive
about this whole experience.
Well, the color combination
on this cookie is excellent.
Oh, you see? That's wonderful.
Because you know what?
You, Exidor and me,
we're all partners.
- What?
- In the tradition of J. Pierpont Morgan,
J. Paul Getty,
and Jay and the Americans,
I have invested our $900
in the Exidor Boutique.
Don't hit me, don't hit me.
I have corrective shoes on.
Mork, you may have seen me
angry before,
but now I'm talking real angry.
I'm talking black poet,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, Mind, I…
Boy, some people don't know
how to handle sudden wealth.
I mean, Kenny Rogers
wouldn't behave this way.
Come on, Mind, you should be happy
that I made a shrewd investment.
You call giving all our money
to Exidor shrewd?
Why didn't you just flush it instead?
Unless you've got an inside tip, Mind,
I think that's pretty risky.
Hello.
You are head of a household now.
That means you have responsibilities.
Not only to yourself, but to me
and especially toward your son.
And that means you can't take risks
with our future.
I'm not taking a risk. Taking a risk
is slicing a bagel without turning it.
Mork, you can't make an investment
unless you can afford to lose.
And we can't,
and now we're gonna lose everything.
Well, come on, now, Mind, don't panic.
Exidor knows what he's doing.
What do you mean
the mannequins want a coffee break?
They just had one ten minutes ago,
and all they did was dribble.
Partner!
Glad to see
you brought the little woman.
We want our money back now,
and don't call me "the little woman."
What she's trying to say is, Exidor,
we're…
We've had a change of heart,
like Renée Richards
wanted to change dressing rooms.
I've only been open two hours.
Even Evita didn't pay off its backers
that fast.
We want our money back.
Look, business is a little slow.
But we're gonna have
our two-for-one sale.
Buy two, get one.
Who can resist that?
That is the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
Listen, perky.
Are you insinuating
I'm some kind of crackpot?
Well, that's what they said
about David Rockefeller.
Nobody ever said that
about David Rockefeller.
I did.
Pepe.
Pepe, you call yourself a tailor?
Just lengthen the sleeve.
Don't clip his nails.
Come on.
- That's it, our money is gone.
- No, no, come on, now,
I know. I'm sorry, I was just trying
to increase our wealth.
I know it's a risk. It's a dumb thing.
Even dumber when I bought
the soundtrack to Beatlemania,
but it was an incredible simulation.
- Mork.
- Mind?
Mork, I'll grant you one thing.
Your heart is in the right place,
but sometimes your head is in…
- Oh, never mind. I'm going home.
- Mindy, listen. This is America.
You can come from another country
with a name like:
And leave with a name like Chuck.
Easy.
There's gotta be a way out of here.
Mind, come on.
He can sell anything here.
If they can sell designer jeans
and pet rocks,
we gotta be able to sell this stuff.
There's gotta be something we can do
to make people want this.
Wait a minute!
What are you watching?
Good afternoon. I'm Mr. Mork,
and I'll be your guide
on this incredible journey
through the totally outrageous world
of Exidor,
where style and elegance meet
for a very brief moment.
Won't you join us for this incredible
fashion smorgasbord?
And let's bring out our first model.
Sissy?
In the evening, Exidor comes alive,
and so does Sissy
in this smashing formal ensemble.
Note the dual-purpose jacket,
which converts
into a fashionable pup tent.
Too campy? Ah.
Oh. Thank you, Sissy.
And now, what is this?
The Exidor evening gown.
Ideal for dining in elegance
or with Pancho Gonzales.
Because it converts
into tennis, Exidor?
Yes, I bet she's got
some good strokes, huh, fellas?
That's game, set and match.
Thank you, Sissy.
I think I'd like one of those myself.
And now,
what could be more Exidorian
than Exidor himself,
modeling the executive Exidor?
Yes, for the man on the go
who can't say no
and, well,
who drives well in the snow.
Yes, for the true executive, it says,
"One good audit puts me in jail for life."
Now,
for you urbane urban cowboys,
it's go west, young Exidor!
Whether you're on the fringe
or just living on welfare,
that's right, Hi-yo Silver,
giddy-up, move it, horsey.
Whether you're riding
the mechanical bull
or throwing the bull mechanically,
or just trying to figure out
what do-si-do means,
our Exidor Western wear
is just for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
aren't these delicious?
Don't you just want
to take them home now?
Yes, unisex robes for all occasions
and every mood,
with no fear of visible panty-line.
Well, you say stop teasing,
let's get to the real goodies.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to show you
our incredible swimsuit collection
right now.
It's something that will really…
Tell me something, Daddy.
Do you think there'll be other children
to play with in debtor's prison?
Thirty-five for gas.
All right, what next?
Forty-two dollars for telephone?
Mearth has Daddy been calling
Dial-A-Joke again?
- Mearth?
- I'm no fink.
Yes.
Oh, family, family,
I have wonderful, wonderful news.
I sold my Air Libya stock,
and look, we got $2.
We can live on this
for about an hour.
Oh, Mearth…
Oh. Oh…
Mind, you tell him the truth. I can't look
in those innocent brown eyes,
especially with those crow's feet.
Mearth, see,
Daddy did a really dumb thing.
It's not that bad, Mind.
Mearth, Daddy's upset
because he made a little mistake.
Saying it's a little mistake
is like saying Lizzie Borden
was a little nuisance with an ax.
Mearth, I… I've…
I lost all of our money.
Oh, I feel like a snail trail
without the glitter.
Mork, don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody can make a mistake.
And you happened
to make a big one.
But we'll get by, I think.
Well, you can forget
about the boutique. I dumped it.
And it's a good thing.
Otherwise you'd be rich too.
- Rich?
- Rich? It's making money?
- The place has gone through the roof.
- Why?
I suppose you're wondering why.
Teenagers.
They'll buy anything
their parents hate.
Now everywhere I go,
everybody's wearing Exidor outfits.
Infants, teenagers, Lee Radziwill.
Exidor, you're a mogul now.
I'm miserable.
I was just trying to appeal
to the intellectual fringe.
Take it from Exidor:
Money doesn't make you happy.
I don't know, Ex, it sure
perked up Melvin Dummar for a while.
Here, perky,
here's your investment plus profit.
This isn't Monopoly money.
This is real money.
Of course. I sold out.
I'm just designing now.
The person that bought it
is a little strange,
but business
breeds strange bedfellows.
MINDY: Grandma!
- Oh, there you are, Exidor.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but it was really brutal
getting up that pole.
Grandma, why?
Wise up, Mindy.
A buck's a buck.
You know, when you dress like that,
you remind me
of my own grandmother.
She was a strange woman,
heavy into voodoo.
Mind, look. This is marvelous.
At last, we can buy Mearth
a little something.
Maybe a DeLorean car.
Mommy, I don't want you
to worry anymore.
What you gave me
is that wonderful set of toys
that's here.
Imagination.
Look, for instance:
Okay, give me an O.
Give me a K.
Give me an L.
[MIMICS EXPLOSION]
I should never have sat
on the Texas side.
I tell you, there's trouble.
What is it you said, sir?
"Let the games begin"?
[GRUNTS]
Oh, neat.
[MIMICS THUD]
They should never
have held the Olympics in Australia.
MORK:
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Tub of Lardness.
ORSON: Na-no, Mork.
- Sir.
So how's that godson of mine?
Oh, sir, he's in the pink.
And me? I'm a wreck.
I didn't realize being a parent
was so difficult.
I thought the only difficult part
of being a parent
was going into labor.
Well, sir, that's the short view.
But in the long view,
children test you every day,
and you can't slide
through the essay questions.
Why not send the child
to obedience school?
That'd be nice, sir, if you wanna teach
a child to heel or roll over.
That's not teaching about life.
You have to give them love,
understanding, companionship,
and, boy,
am I lucky I have got Mindy.
- Mork.
- Sir?
I never realized raising a child
involved so much responsibility.
Oh, sir, being a parent
is always on-the-job training.
By the time you learn the trade,
you're out of the business.
But if you do things correctly, you'll
always be connected with the firm.
Till next week, sir, na-no, na-no.
No, don't cry, please.
Hi.
Hey, what's wrong with Mearth?
- There's been a death in the family.
- What?
His spider died.
What? Herman?
Oh, poor baby.
Well, I guess you're not in the mood
for seeing the nice present
your mommy and I got for you.
What?
Presents, Mearth.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Look, a giant lollipop.
Oh, my gosh!
That is a big sucker.
Boy, I guess this is just
about the best present I ever got.
Or is it?
Aw, Grandma. Ha, ha.
Whoo.
Gosh, you know something,
Grandma?
And Mommy and Daddy?
You see inside there's Mr. Silver.
That's what I'm going to call him,
Mr. Silver Helmet.
Mm. Here we go.
[MIMICKING PLANE BUZZING]
Oh, Mind,
a minute ago he was crying,
and now from zero to bliss
in 60 seconds. Look at that.
Well, Mork, you see, with children,
sometimes just a little present
will do a world of good.
- Oh, a little preschool Abscam.
MINDY: Ha, ha.
Mearth, don't do that in the house.
You might break something.
[MEARTH CONTINUES
MIMICKING PLANE BUZZING]
MORK & MINDY:
Oh.
MORK:
Look at her go, son. A loop-de-loop.
Wait a minute, Mayday,
Mayday, there's a Chihuahua
on the landing field.
[MORK SHOUTING IN SPANISH]
Oh, don't look, son.
The little Chihuahua had an overbite
and he got your plane.
What happened?
Mr. Silver was eaten by a doggy.
First it was…
First it was Herman, my spider,
and now Mr. Silver, in the airplane.
I just don't have any friends,
Grandma.
CORA:
Oh, don't cry, Mearth.
Don't cry. You still have your lollipop.
I guess you're right.
Ooh! But Herman, he's stuck to it.
Oh, well, son, look at the good side.
Now you got an all-day spider.
He's a lot bigger
than I remember him.
MINDY:
Here, Mearth, hand Mommy your coat.
[BOTH GASP]
Mommy.
The tooth fairy
has been keeping up with inflation.
Gee, I wonder who could be
behind all this.
Surprise!
No, not really.
Oh, son, look.
All this is for you.
You're never gonna be sad
or cry again.
No, never. Even that big TV?
Yes, you'll finally see all the lines
on Dick Clark's face.
Mork, why does our place
look like Bob Barker's den?
I don't know, Mind.
Maybe Bob has the same couch.
Ride on this great big
green grasshopper.
Isn't it marvelous, Mind?
I feel just like UNICEF.
Mork, these things
have got to go back.
This is no way to raise a child.
You'll spoil him with all these gifts.
I am still making the same salary
for three
as when there were just two of us.
And we have to dip
into our emergency savings account
just to feed him.
He eats more than Trigger.
MORK:
Mind, come on, now…
I'm sorry, Mork,
but this stuff goes back.
Not the harp, though, Mind.
Not the harp.
Mind, you don't understand, like…
He…
Mearth is a musical prodigy.
The other day we were going past
a music store… Let me show you.
Mearth? Mearth, son.
- Yes?
- Will you play that…?
- That concerto you wrote for Mommy?
- Surely.
Okay, this is for you and Mommy.
A concerto.
[SINGING]
Winter's coming
There's snow on the windowsill
Winter's coming
There's Uncle Bill
Listen to the leaves
They're all gone
As I sing this autumn song
There's winter
Snowfall, snowbells
Everybody's dancing in the snow
And I see you
Whoa.
Mind, isn't that beautiful?
He wrote that himself.
Yes, Mork, that was cute.
You tell him it goes back.
I want him to have everything
I've never had and still don't.
It's no way to raise a child.
Don't you see?
If you give him everything now,
he'll have nothing
to look forward to later.
- You've gotta tell him.
- Oh, it's gonna be so hard.
- It'll break his little heart.
- Mm-hm. You tell him.
- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.
It was your idea.
All right. I know that.
- Mearth?
- Yes?
- Son?
- Yes?
- You're really not our child.
- What? Mork!
All right, Mind.
I was just kidding, Mearth.
You see, the real truth
of the matter is that, well,
your mother and I
are getting divorced.
Mind, after two of those,
this is gonna be an emotional lay-up,
you know what I'm saying?
Mearth, the real truth is that
we can't afford all these little goodies,
and they've gotta all go back.
I'm sorry.
I read you.
You just…
You and Mom don't love me anymore.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- I can handle it. I can handle it.
I know what it is to be crushed.
I lost a spider today.
I lost a man in an airplane.
The dog ate him.
Surely I can handle you.
- You just don't love me anymore.
MINDY: No, Mearth.
Oh, no. Don't start.
No, it's okay.
I'll find, you know… I'll find something
to do upstairs in my room.
Like maybe, you know, playing
with the shadows on the ceiling.
Well, are you happy now, Mind?
Oh, Mork, he'll get over it.
As painful as it seems now,
it was all for the best.
You don't wanna spoil him like that.
You're right, Mind. Yeah.
He wouldn't have looked good
in this fur coat anyway.
What size is that?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
EXIDOR:
Answer the door already.
Never mind. I'll get it myself.
Mork, you're late.
I'm having a barbecue.
I just dropped over
to borrow a spatula
and a grill, some briquettes,
hamburgers, buns, matches
and a volleyball net.
How come you're not there?
Well, I wasn't invited.
Just as well.
This is for
my musical-comedy workshop only.
Exidor, you've gotta help me.
I wanna shower my son with gifts,
and Mindy says we can't afford it.
Who's right?
Mork, I'd like to help you,
but this is the wrong time.
I got 40 starving people
in my backyard singing "Brigadoon."
You need money, go find work.
Well, I've tried to find a job,
but I have no skills.
Well, that leaves real estate.
Please, I have some pride.
Mork, I'd like to help… What?
There's always one idiot
who comes to a barbecue
who doesn't eat meat.
Now, regarding this problem
with your son…
Exidor, either you've had a revelation,
or someone just kicked a field goal.
Mork, I've just had a vision
of incredible clarity.
It was just like having the cable.
I now know how you can take care
of all your family's financial needs.
Mork,
money is the key to happiness.
And the only way to make money
is to spend money.
Mork, you've got to make
that once-in-a-lifetime investment
that will take care
of all your family's financial needs.
Well, Exidor, all we have is $900
and my stock in Air Libya.
Perfect.
This will be bigger
than Polaroid, Genentech
and bootleg tapes rolled into one.
What's the one thing
the world needs more of?
Nixon impersonators.
I'm talking about bigger, grander,
something the world keeps crying
for more of.
- What?
- Me!
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
Guillermo,
keep an eye on the store.
I'm going in the back for more
inspected-by-number-seven tags.
Who would have thought
Mickey Mantle would end up this way?
Wow.
Come on, Mind.
This place is wonderful,
just like what the Marquis de Sade
would've done if he'd gone into retail.
Yeah, this is a great location, Mork.
You walk
through an animal hospital,
knock twice,
ask for a man named Juanita,
then slide down a pole.
How many times you see a hamster
neutered on your way into Macy's?
Oh, isn't this to die over?
I see 20 things I already wanna get.
Oh, Mindy. Yeah.
I don't…
I don't see 20 things I can identify.
Look, Mind, you'd look smashing
in something like this.
Oh. Anthony Quinn wouldn't look
smashing in something like that.
I think Exidor
is onto something hot here, Mind.
I think he's got a great new concept.
You've heard of Old Amos?
Well, how about these? Exidoreos.
It's a great new concept:
Chocolate, cheese and meat.
BOTH:
Mm.
Look, Mork, I admire Exidor's initiative,
but if somebody told me
he was gonna open a store,
this is exactly what I'd expect.
I mean, it's just… It's just ridiculous.
Oh, Mind, you call this ridiculous?
Yeah, I'd say
that just about defines the word.
Mindy, come on,
you can't be so negative.
You've gotta find something positive
about this whole experience.
Well, the color combination
on this cookie is excellent.
Oh, you see? That's wonderful.
Because you know what?
You, Exidor and me,
we're all partners.
- What?
- In the tradition of J. Pierpont Morgan,
J. Paul Getty,
and Jay and the Americans,
I have invested our $900
in the Exidor Boutique.
Don't hit me, don't hit me.
I have corrective shoes on.
Mork, you may have seen me
angry before,
but now I'm talking real angry.
I'm talking black poet,
you know what I mean?
Yeah, Mind, I…
Boy, some people don't know
how to handle sudden wealth.
I mean, Kenny Rogers
wouldn't behave this way.
Come on, Mind, you should be happy
that I made a shrewd investment.
You call giving all our money
to Exidor shrewd?
Why didn't you just flush it instead?
Unless you've got an inside tip, Mind,
I think that's pretty risky.
Hello.
You are head of a household now.
That means you have responsibilities.
Not only to yourself, but to me
and especially toward your son.
And that means you can't take risks
with our future.
I'm not taking a risk. Taking a risk
is slicing a bagel without turning it.
Mork, you can't make an investment
unless you can afford to lose.
And we can't,
and now we're gonna lose everything.
Well, come on, now, Mind, don't panic.
Exidor knows what he's doing.
What do you mean
the mannequins want a coffee break?
They just had one ten minutes ago,
and all they did was dribble.
Partner!
Glad to see
you brought the little woman.
We want our money back now,
and don't call me "the little woman."
What she's trying to say is, Exidor,
we're…
We've had a change of heart,
like Renée Richards
wanted to change dressing rooms.
I've only been open two hours.
Even Evita didn't pay off its backers
that fast.
We want our money back.
Look, business is a little slow.
But we're gonna have
our two-for-one sale.
Buy two, get one.
Who can resist that?
That is the most ridiculous thing
I've ever heard.
Listen, perky.
Are you insinuating
I'm some kind of crackpot?
Well, that's what they said
about David Rockefeller.
Nobody ever said that
about David Rockefeller.
I did.
Pepe.
Pepe, you call yourself a tailor?
Just lengthen the sleeve.
Don't clip his nails.
Come on.
- That's it, our money is gone.
- No, no, come on, now,
I know. I'm sorry, I was just trying
to increase our wealth.
I know it's a risk. It's a dumb thing.
Even dumber when I bought
the soundtrack to Beatlemania,
but it was an incredible simulation.
- Mork.
- Mind?
Mork, I'll grant you one thing.
Your heart is in the right place,
but sometimes your head is in…
- Oh, never mind. I'm going home.
- Mindy, listen. This is America.
You can come from another country
with a name like:
And leave with a name like Chuck.
Easy.
There's gotta be a way out of here.
Mind, come on.
He can sell anything here.
If they can sell designer jeans
and pet rocks,
we gotta be able to sell this stuff.
There's gotta be something we can do
to make people want this.
Wait a minute!
What are you watching?
Good afternoon. I'm Mr. Mork,
and I'll be your guide
on this incredible journey
through the totally outrageous world
of Exidor,
where style and elegance meet
for a very brief moment.
Won't you join us for this incredible
fashion smorgasbord?
And let's bring out our first model.
Sissy?
In the evening, Exidor comes alive,
and so does Sissy
in this smashing formal ensemble.
Note the dual-purpose jacket,
which converts
into a fashionable pup tent.
Too campy? Ah.
Oh. Thank you, Sissy.
And now, what is this?
The Exidor evening gown.
Ideal for dining in elegance
or with Pancho Gonzales.
Because it converts
into tennis, Exidor?
Yes, I bet she's got
some good strokes, huh, fellas?
That's game, set and match.
Thank you, Sissy.
I think I'd like one of those myself.
And now,
what could be more Exidorian
than Exidor himself,
modeling the executive Exidor?
Yes, for the man on the go
who can't say no
and, well,
who drives well in the snow.
Yes, for the true executive, it says,
"One good audit puts me in jail for life."
Now,
for you urbane urban cowboys,
it's go west, young Exidor!
Whether you're on the fringe
or just living on welfare,
that's right, Hi-yo Silver,
giddy-up, move it, horsey.
Whether you're riding
the mechanical bull
or throwing the bull mechanically,
or just trying to figure out
what do-si-do means,
our Exidor Western wear
is just for you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
aren't these delicious?
Don't you just want
to take them home now?
Yes, unisex robes for all occasions
and every mood,
with no fear of visible panty-line.
Well, you say stop teasing,
let's get to the real goodies.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to show you
our incredible swimsuit collection
right now.
It's something that will really…
Tell me something, Daddy.
Do you think there'll be other children
to play with in debtor's prison?
Thirty-five for gas.
All right, what next?
Forty-two dollars for telephone?
Mearth has Daddy been calling
Dial-A-Joke again?
- Mearth?
- I'm no fink.
Yes.
Oh, family, family,
I have wonderful, wonderful news.
I sold my Air Libya stock,
and look, we got $2.
We can live on this
for about an hour.
Oh, Mearth…
Oh. Oh…
Mind, you tell him the truth. I can't look
in those innocent brown eyes,
especially with those crow's feet.
Mearth, see,
Daddy did a really dumb thing.
It's not that bad, Mind.
Mearth, Daddy's upset
because he made a little mistake.
Saying it's a little mistake
is like saying Lizzie Borden
was a little nuisance with an ax.
Mearth, I… I've…
I lost all of our money.
Oh, I feel like a snail trail
without the glitter.
Mork, don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody can make a mistake.
And you happened
to make a big one.
But we'll get by, I think.
Well, you can forget
about the boutique. I dumped it.
And it's a good thing.
Otherwise you'd be rich too.
- Rich?
- Rich? It's making money?
- The place has gone through the roof.
- Why?
I suppose you're wondering why.
Teenagers.
They'll buy anything
their parents hate.
Now everywhere I go,
everybody's wearing Exidor outfits.
Infants, teenagers, Lee Radziwill.
Exidor, you're a mogul now.
I'm miserable.
I was just trying to appeal
to the intellectual fringe.
Take it from Exidor:
Money doesn't make you happy.
I don't know, Ex, it sure
perked up Melvin Dummar for a while.
Here, perky,
here's your investment plus profit.
This isn't Monopoly money.
This is real money.
Of course. I sold out.
I'm just designing now.
The person that bought it
is a little strange,
but business
breeds strange bedfellows.
MINDY: Grandma!
- Oh, there you are, Exidor.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but it was really brutal
getting up that pole.
Grandma, why?
Wise up, Mindy.
A buck's a buck.
You know, when you dress like that,
you remind me
of my own grandmother.
She was a strange woman,
heavy into voodoo.
Mind, look. This is marvelous.
At last, we can buy Mearth
a little something.
Maybe a DeLorean car.
Mommy, I don't want you
to worry anymore.
What you gave me
is that wonderful set of toys
that's here.
Imagination.
Look, for instance:
Okay, give me an O.
Give me a K.
Give me an L.
[MIMICS EXPLOSION]
I should never have sat
on the Texas side.
I tell you, there's trouble.
What is it you said, sir?
"Let the games begin"?
[GRUNTS]
Oh, neat.
[MIMICS THUD]
They should never
have held the Olympics in Australia.
MORK:
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Tub of Lardness.
ORSON: Na-no, Mork.
- Sir.
So how's that godson of mine?
Oh, sir, he's in the pink.
And me? I'm a wreck.
I didn't realize being a parent
was so difficult.
I thought the only difficult part
of being a parent
was going into labor.
Well, sir, that's the short view.
But in the long view,
children test you every day,
and you can't slide
through the essay questions.
Why not send the child
to obedience school?
That'd be nice, sir, if you wanna teach
a child to heel or roll over.
That's not teaching about life.
You have to give them love,
understanding, companionship,
and, boy,
am I lucky I have got Mindy.
- Mork.
- Sir?
I never realized raising a child
involved so much responsibility.
Oh, sir, being a parent
is always on-the-job training.
By the time you learn the trade,
you're out of the business.
But if you do things correctly, you'll
always be connected with the firm.
Till next week, sir, na-no, na-no.