Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 10 - P.S. 2001 - full transcript
Mearth attends school on Ork where he's teased for being an "Earth-head".
MORK:
Na-no, na-no.
MEARTH: What is this stuff?
MINDY: We've got a surprise for you.
Chinese food!
This looks like boiled grass.
Look. Ooh.
- Pass it over.
- Careful, Mearth.
Oh, dandruff.
- Oh, I love this so.
- Oh, my.
Oh, oh, oh.
Fish net.
Whale skin, whale skin.
- Hold on now, what's this?
- It's just what it is.
- It's just orange, eat it.
- Orange. It's sweet. I'm hypoglycemic.
- Gran-pop, let me ask you something.
FRED: Mm-hm.
Do they have American carry-outs
in China?
- Uh, no, not yet.
- No, but every religious holiday,
all the Chinese people
go downtown for Jewish food.
Oh, I'm a very inquisitive child.
You probably noticed that.
And you know something?
I believe I'm truly ready for school.
All the other children are going to
school. Why aren't I going to school?
Son, your mother and I can teach you
everything you need to know at home.
I mean,
Abraham Lincoln studied at home.
- Who's he?
- Mind?
Well, Mearth, Abraham Lincoln
was our 16th president.
I just feel weird.
I just feel different, that's all.
I should be going to school
like the rest of the children, that's all.
I should be going to school.
Son, you don't need to go to school.
I mean, since Jeopardy's been
canceled, what do you need to know?
I mean, you can always get a job
on Family Feud.
Show me mayonnaise.
Sweetheart,
an education is very important.
And we're gonna see that you
get a good one somehow.
You're not old enough for school yet.
Besides,
there's plenty of time for school.
Think of all the fun
you're having around home.
You have got to be kidding.
You think it's fun just going upstairs
and coming back downstairs
and occasionally having
some Chinese food?
Do you call that living?
Mearth.
- Sweetheart.
- No!
Sweetheart,
you're a special little boy
and you're just gonna have
to be patient till we make…
Mearth.
We make special arrangements.
No! No.
Mearth, now mellow out.
Mellow out.
"Mellow out, mellow out."
I wanna go to school.
I wanna be like the rest of the children.
I'm not going to sit here
with four or five boxes
of empty goldfish cartons.
I wanna go to school.
That's enough, young man.
Go to your room.
- I said, I wanted to go to school.
- Go up now.
[MEARTH GROANING]
It really didn't hurt me at all.
You just happened to crush
my Karl Malden picture.
School. I'm going.
I wanna go to school
and I said I wanted to go to school.
I'm going.
Uh, Mork, I don't mean to interfere,
but I think you've got a big problem
on your hands.
ORSON:
Psst.
Psst.
Not now, Mork.
I've gotta get up in the morning.
ORSON:
It's not Mork. It's Orson.
Orson.
Um, where are you?
ORSON:
I'm using the speaker in Mork's ear.
You and I need to have a talk.
- Now?
ORSON: Yes, now.
I'm not here to make
an appointment with you.
But I'm not gonna go into Mork's head.
That's an invasion of his privacy.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
But then he and I never did have
any secrets.
How do I do this again?
Mindy calling Orson,
come in, Orson.
[MORK SNORES]
Mindy calling Orson,
come in, Orson.
Mindy calling Orson.
Yo, your space Mountainship!
Oh, that was a mistake. I apologize.
I don't know where that came from.
I really didn't mean to say that.
ORSON:
You're excused.
When you're using Mork's mind,
there's bound to be some ill effects.
Could you turn the heat up?
It's kind of cold in here.
ORSON: Sorry, Mork's mind
isn't equipped with a thermostat.
I told him to insulate.
Coffee. Thank you.
ORSON:
So how's the family?
- Oh, they're just…
ORSON: Enough small talk.
Where's the application
Mork promised to fill out?
Well… For what?
ORSON: I want Mearth's application
for Ork Prep.
I sent it to Mork bleams ago
and I haven't heard from him since.
Oh… So that's why Mork was acting
so strange at dinner.
And I thought it was the MSG.
ORSON:
What?
Never mind.
Um, Orson, I don't know how I feel
about Mearth going away to school
on Ork.
ORSON:
You'll love it.
He'll only go to school
one day a month, Earth time.
- He'll commute.
- How?
Air Ork's H-28 transport beam
has merged with Glibthansa
and is now servicing
the greater Earth area.
Well, uh, I'll discuss it with Mork
and then we'll get back to you.
ORSON:
There will be no discussion.
The application will be completed
and on my desk in the morning.
Thank you for the coffee.
It was delicious.
ORSON: My secret is egg shells
in the grounds.
You know,
my grandmother used to do that.
ORSON:
Who cares? Na-no, na-no.
Oh, uh, na-no, na-no to you too, sir.
Aha!
Sneaking around with Orson
behind my brain?
What were you two doing?
Hmm? Huh? Hmm?
Oh, I know. Wait a minute.
I'll take the positive approach.
You were planning a surprise party
for me. Okay, I'll play along.
Oh, no. A belt sander.
You shouldn't have.
- Oh, honey, honey, honey.
- Mork.
"Pooter," little "pooter." Oh.
I'm so surprised. Just when I thought
everybody had forgotten.
Mork, why didn't you tell me
about the application to Ork Prep?
Does this mean
there's no surprise party, Mind?
Oh, Mind, you know, well,
preppies can be such snobs, Mind,
you know, "Biffy, a Krugerrand seems
to have fallen out of your loafer."
No. Muffy, come here, chap.
"Take that alligator off your shirt,
it's been dead for a month now."
Mearth has to go to school.
And he's gotta be around kids
like himself to be able to learn.
Yeah, Mind, but there's no substitute
for experience.
I mean, look at me.
I know all the hosts of Real People.
Let's see, Skip Stephenson,
John Barbour,
Sara Purcell, and that black guy.
Why don't you want Mearth
to go to school?
The truth of the matter is, Mind,
he's growing up
and he won't need me.
I mean, I should just go sit in the shed
with his training wheels.
And that tire that he uses
for a teething ring.
Mork, Mearth needs you now
more than ever.
Look, you know all about Ork.
You can answer his questions.
And, anyway,
it's only one day a month.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I feel a little self-indulgent recently.
I feel like Ronald Reagan
at a budget meeting.
So, what do you say we get
to that old application?
Well, can't it wait till the morning?
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
That's all right,
just one little page anyway.
I hid it in Merv Griffin's
autobiography.
I thought nobody'd ever look in here.
Hurry up, Mearth,
you're gonna be late.
Oh, Mommy, Daddy,
I'm all ready for school.
Look at me.
Yes.
Oh, I shined my shoes
until they're almost silver.
I shaved my face so close so that
other children can identify with me.
Oh, no, Mind, I can't take it.
It seems like he was hatched
just yesterday.
Don't worry, Dad,
I'll be home this afternoon.
Yeah, but that means I'll have
to watch People's Court alone.
Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.
We agreed there wasn't going
to be a scene.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Daddy was a little emotional,
but he's over it now.
Like the time that he heard
that Tom Snyder was quitting.
[BEAM BEEPS]
That's it.
There's the school beam now.
All right, son, you take care
and you make me real proud of you.
Remember, at school you join
the band, don't be the organ carrier.
Oh, they're hairy.
[LAUGHING]
Here, sweetheart.
You have a good day, okay?
I'll see you when you get home.
Okay.
Gosh, well, Mommy, Daddy,
I'm still here.
You might just be a big…
Oh, Mind, he's gone.
So is my couch, Mork.
MINDY:
What are you doing?
Would you believe it?
I'm cleaning my oven.
How are they biting?
Not too bad. I had one little 5-foot
Avon lady, but she got away.
Mork, just because the baby's gone
away to school
is no reason to go crazy.
All right, Mind, got a bite. Wait.
Our mail. Yay. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe it's a letter from him.
Oh, it's my Book of the Month Club.
Gary Coleman: The Early Years.
Mork, do you realize how long it's been
since we've been together alone?
Isn't there anything that you
could think of that the two of us
might do on a snowy afternoon?
We could have our second annual
Punt, Pass and Kick competition.
Oh, yay, huzzah, he's returned!
Yo, my boy, my boy,
my son, my son, my son.
Oh, huzzah, huzzah,
it's him, it's him, it's him.
Mearth, what are you doing home?
There's five hours left of school.
I hate it there
and I'm not going back there.
I hate it!
I'm not going back there. I hate it!
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Well, besides that, son,
how was your day?
Mearth, will you stop saying,
"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it,"
- and just tell us what happened?
- I hate it.
I do hate it. The kids call me names
and that teacher,
Miss Geezba, oh, she's cruel.
I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
Is she still alive?
Oh, I had Miss Geezba too.
Boy, Mind,
I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
This is not what I call
a positive attitude.
Mind, you don't know Miss Geezba.
It's like saying disarmament
to Alexander Haig.
Mearth, you know something?
I had teachers I didn't like too,
but you know what?
They were usually the ones
I learned the most from.
I just don't fit in any world.
This is just worse than being called
Butchie, the dog-faced boy.
Oh, Mearth, sweetheart,
don't you say that.
You're just the new kid in school
and that's not easy.
Yeah, did you ever see
Massacre at Central High?
You know what, Mearth?
I came home crying
my first day at school too.
And I never would have gone back
if my mom and dad
hadn't taken me to class.
Tell you what, how would you feel
about going back to Ork Prep
if Daddy and I went with you?
Well, I'll see what Teddy says.
I only have trust in you.
Tell the truth, Teddy.
[MUTTERING]
He says yes.
Good.
Well, the two of you
have a nice time.
The three of us will have
a nice time, Mork.
I'm sure Miss Geezba will be very
happy with the way you turned out.
I don't think so, Mind.
Once on a field trip to the sun,
she made me wear a coat.
- I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
- I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
Wow. I've never had my molecules
scattered all over the universe before.
- Am I all here?
- Well, yes, except you're bald.
Made you look, made you look,
made you look, Mind.
Oh, Mind, I'm just so happy to be back
at school again, I'm sorry.
[MUTTERING]
- Hello.
- Mearth.
Young man, we do not leave the room
without getting a hall pass.
Excuse me, sweetheart,
I'm Mearth's mother.
Could you tell me
where Miss Geezba is?
I'm Miss Geezba
and don't talk down to me.
- Mork.
- Ma'am.
You still owe me a book report.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The last one burned up on re-entry.
Oh, please don't do that.
I don't want to have lobes
hanging down to my knees.
See, I told you that she was tougher
than a rawhide chew stick.
I'm talking about you.
Mearth.
Miss Geezba…
Uh, Mearth came home very upset,
and we were hoping
we could talk to you about him
adjusting to this environment.
See here, I've been a teacher
for 43 bleams,
and no one tells me
how to run my classroom.
Now, I'm not trying to tell you how
to run your business, you little…
It's just we were trying to make this
a more positive experience for Mearth.
I'm sure everything will be fine
once Mearth gets to know
the other children and our alphabet.
You're welcome to observe
as long as he behaves.
I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.
What did I tell you? What did I tell
you? She's the house of correction.
She is a mean, little, small person.
[BELL RINGS]
MORK: Oh, look, Mind,
aren't they cute at this age?
Oh, Mearth, I missed you at recess.
I waited for you in the sandbox.
MORK: That's very nice.
He's already made little friends.
I have a feeling
she's everybody's little friend.
Oh, Earth-head,
Earth-head, listen,
uh, I'm sorry I was mean to you
this morning.
- That's okay, Ovits.
- Isn't that nice, Mearth?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we shake and make up?
- You're not kidding me?
- Here's my hand. Ovits's hand.
[MEARTH GRUNTS
THEN OVITS LAUGHING]
[MORK SHOUTING]
Fighting again, Mork?
Take your seat.
Yes, ma'am.
But did you see
what that other kid did? He…
No, I didn't.
And no one likes a tattletale. Sit!
MEARTH:
To hit a child.
To hit a child.
Sweetheart, you sit down
and we'll be back there.
Mommy and Daddy,
remember, no matter what happens,
I still love you.
Listen, Earth-head, if you don't want
old Geezba to call on you,
when she asks a question,
all you have to do is raise your hand.
Got it? Raise your hand
when she asks a question,
- she won't pick on you.
- Can I be sure of this, Ovits?
What are friends for?
Class, can anyone tell me
who invented the flying saucer?
Mearth?
[LAUGHS]
- Well, Mearth?
- Benjamin Franklin.
[OVITS LAUGHING]
Aretha Franklin.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That will be enough, class!
Don't worry. Colleges are
very expensive nowadays, anyway.
Let's begin Manilow appreciation.
Mommy, Daddy,
you can't make me stay here.
Well, you can, but if you do,
I'll hold my breath.
Mearth, don't you worry.
Mommy's gonna go talk
to that little old pipsqueak.
Now, Mind, come on, we've gotta
come down to Ork here.
You have never been
the object of ridicule
except for that time when you tried
to play the Mikado.
Son, I know exactly how you feel.
See, when I was going to school,
I was the one they made fun of.
Kids will make fun of you
as long as you let them.
But if you've got pride in yourself,
there's nothing that anyone can say.
That's right. Hold your chin up high.
Then they can really deck you.
Do you have any idea
what it's like sitting next to Ovits?
[GROANING]
MINDY: Just ignore Ovits.
- I will.
Just ignore Ovits.
[MEARTH HUMMING]
GEEZBA: All right, class,
that's enough Manilow.
We don't wanna get
your blood sugar level too high.
Now, boys and girls,
it's time for show and tell.
Who wants to go first?
I've got something
I'd like to show Mearth.
Zelka, when you have something
new to show, raise your hand.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Perhaps Mearth has something
he'd like to share.
Well…
Well, as a matter of fact, I do.
Miss Geezba.
I guess first of all, most of you
by this time know that I'm from Earth.
I have something that none
of you have here on Ork.
None of you. I have parents.
Parents? What are those?
Well, Mommy and Daddy,
come on down.
Listen, listen, what can parents
do that a test tube don't?
Well, for instance, uh, you drop them,
they don't break.
I'll tell you some other things.
First of all…
they, well, both of them
brought me life and love.
Also, the one thing they don't let me
do is barbecue in the bedroom.
That's bad.
But when I'm real good… And I try
to be most of the time, don't I?
- They always give me
something like this.
ZELKA: Wow, what is that?
OVITS: Oh, could I see that?
- What does it do?
OVITS: Excuse me.
- Well…
OVITS: This is small.
- This is a frog.
- A frog?
Yes, see, he's amphibious.
That's a very big word for me,
amphibious.
That means he can swim in the water
and he's also pretty good on the land.
And he eats flies, of course,
has a long tongue,
and also you find him in some
of the better French restaurants.
And he goes:
[RIBBITTING]
Excuse me, Earth-head,
could I hold him?
If you let me hold him, I promise you,
I won't hit you no more.
Okay.
You hold your hands real high.
- Like that?
- A little higher in the palms.
- Keep your palms up.
- Okay.
- That's right.
- Okay.
You know,
I could really deck you right now.
But I won't.
Why?
Because I'm bigger than you are.
What a wonderful child I am.
Your little boy's going to be just fine.
- Oh, well, goodbye.
GEEZBA: Goodbye.
- Thank you for letting us observe.
- You're welcome.
- Stand up straight, Mork.
- Ma'am.
And don't forget that book report.
Yes, ma'am, I'd doing it on the Wit
and Wisdom of Richard Nixon.
It'll be a one-page essay.
- Thank you for letting us observe.
- You're welcome.
You know something?
You handled that so well with Mearth.
- You're a good father.
- Oh, bless you, Mind.
We've got another hour
until the next beam.
- How about we go shopping?
- Okay, that sounds like fun.
MORK: Good. Maybe we can buy you
a normal-size nose.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson,
come in your Fat-Farmness.
ORSON: Mork.
- Sir.
ORSON: Good to see you.
- Oh, good to see you too, sir.
ORSON:
How's the little fella doing in school?
Well, I'm proud to say, sir,
a lot better than I did.
ORSON: That's my godson.
- He is indeed, sir.
ORSON: Today Ork Prep,
tomorrow Ork Med.
Well, that's a very nice thought,
but I'm not sure
that'd be Mearth's choice.
I've learned that although it's good
to encourage your child
to shoot for the stars, it's not always
good to choose which galaxy.
If it's up to parents, there'd be
three jobs in the whole world:
Doctor, lawyer
and wholesale jeweler.
ORSON: But don't you want Mearth to
pursue a career you can be proud of?
Well, sir, that's not our decision.
We'll honor his choice, even if he
wants to become a network executive.
Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.
Na-no, na-no.
MEARTH: What is this stuff?
MINDY: We've got a surprise for you.
Chinese food!
This looks like boiled grass.
Look. Ooh.
- Pass it over.
- Careful, Mearth.
Oh, dandruff.
- Oh, I love this so.
- Oh, my.
Oh, oh, oh.
Fish net.
Whale skin, whale skin.
- Hold on now, what's this?
- It's just what it is.
- It's just orange, eat it.
- Orange. It's sweet. I'm hypoglycemic.
- Gran-pop, let me ask you something.
FRED: Mm-hm.
Do they have American carry-outs
in China?
- Uh, no, not yet.
- No, but every religious holiday,
all the Chinese people
go downtown for Jewish food.
Oh, I'm a very inquisitive child.
You probably noticed that.
And you know something?
I believe I'm truly ready for school.
All the other children are going to
school. Why aren't I going to school?
Son, your mother and I can teach you
everything you need to know at home.
I mean,
Abraham Lincoln studied at home.
- Who's he?
- Mind?
Well, Mearth, Abraham Lincoln
was our 16th president.
I just feel weird.
I just feel different, that's all.
I should be going to school
like the rest of the children, that's all.
I should be going to school.
Son, you don't need to go to school.
I mean, since Jeopardy's been
canceled, what do you need to know?
I mean, you can always get a job
on Family Feud.
Show me mayonnaise.
Sweetheart,
an education is very important.
And we're gonna see that you
get a good one somehow.
You're not old enough for school yet.
Besides,
there's plenty of time for school.
Think of all the fun
you're having around home.
You have got to be kidding.
You think it's fun just going upstairs
and coming back downstairs
and occasionally having
some Chinese food?
Do you call that living?
Mearth.
- Sweetheart.
- No!
Sweetheart,
you're a special little boy
and you're just gonna have
to be patient till we make…
Mearth.
We make special arrangements.
No! No.
Mearth, now mellow out.
Mellow out.
"Mellow out, mellow out."
I wanna go to school.
I wanna be like the rest of the children.
I'm not going to sit here
with four or five boxes
of empty goldfish cartons.
I wanna go to school.
That's enough, young man.
Go to your room.
- I said, I wanted to go to school.
- Go up now.
[MEARTH GROANING]
It really didn't hurt me at all.
You just happened to crush
my Karl Malden picture.
School. I'm going.
I wanna go to school
and I said I wanted to go to school.
I'm going.
Uh, Mork, I don't mean to interfere,
but I think you've got a big problem
on your hands.
ORSON:
Psst.
Psst.
Not now, Mork.
I've gotta get up in the morning.
ORSON:
It's not Mork. It's Orson.
Orson.
Um, where are you?
ORSON:
I'm using the speaker in Mork's ear.
You and I need to have a talk.
- Now?
ORSON: Yes, now.
I'm not here to make
an appointment with you.
But I'm not gonna go into Mork's head.
That's an invasion of his privacy.
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
But then he and I never did have
any secrets.
How do I do this again?
Mindy calling Orson,
come in, Orson.
[MORK SNORES]
Mindy calling Orson,
come in, Orson.
Mindy calling Orson.
Yo, your space Mountainship!
Oh, that was a mistake. I apologize.
I don't know where that came from.
I really didn't mean to say that.
ORSON:
You're excused.
When you're using Mork's mind,
there's bound to be some ill effects.
Could you turn the heat up?
It's kind of cold in here.
ORSON: Sorry, Mork's mind
isn't equipped with a thermostat.
I told him to insulate.
Coffee. Thank you.
ORSON:
So how's the family?
- Oh, they're just…
ORSON: Enough small talk.
Where's the application
Mork promised to fill out?
Well… For what?
ORSON: I want Mearth's application
for Ork Prep.
I sent it to Mork bleams ago
and I haven't heard from him since.
Oh… So that's why Mork was acting
so strange at dinner.
And I thought it was the MSG.
ORSON:
What?
Never mind.
Um, Orson, I don't know how I feel
about Mearth going away to school
on Ork.
ORSON:
You'll love it.
He'll only go to school
one day a month, Earth time.
- He'll commute.
- How?
Air Ork's H-28 transport beam
has merged with Glibthansa
and is now servicing
the greater Earth area.
Well, uh, I'll discuss it with Mork
and then we'll get back to you.
ORSON:
There will be no discussion.
The application will be completed
and on my desk in the morning.
Thank you for the coffee.
It was delicious.
ORSON: My secret is egg shells
in the grounds.
You know,
my grandmother used to do that.
ORSON:
Who cares? Na-no, na-no.
Oh, uh, na-no, na-no to you too, sir.
Aha!
Sneaking around with Orson
behind my brain?
What were you two doing?
Hmm? Huh? Hmm?
Oh, I know. Wait a minute.
I'll take the positive approach.
You were planning a surprise party
for me. Okay, I'll play along.
Oh, no. A belt sander.
You shouldn't have.
- Oh, honey, honey, honey.
- Mork.
"Pooter," little "pooter." Oh.
I'm so surprised. Just when I thought
everybody had forgotten.
Mork, why didn't you tell me
about the application to Ork Prep?
Does this mean
there's no surprise party, Mind?
Oh, Mind, you know, well,
preppies can be such snobs, Mind,
you know, "Biffy, a Krugerrand seems
to have fallen out of your loafer."
No. Muffy, come here, chap.
"Take that alligator off your shirt,
it's been dead for a month now."
Mearth has to go to school.
And he's gotta be around kids
like himself to be able to learn.
Yeah, Mind, but there's no substitute
for experience.
I mean, look at me.
I know all the hosts of Real People.
Let's see, Skip Stephenson,
John Barbour,
Sara Purcell, and that black guy.
Why don't you want Mearth
to go to school?
The truth of the matter is, Mind,
he's growing up
and he won't need me.
I mean, I should just go sit in the shed
with his training wheels.
And that tire that he uses
for a teething ring.
Mork, Mearth needs you now
more than ever.
Look, you know all about Ork.
You can answer his questions.
And, anyway,
it's only one day a month.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I feel a little self-indulgent recently.
I feel like Ronald Reagan
at a budget meeting.
So, what do you say we get
to that old application?
Well, can't it wait till the morning?
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
That's all right,
just one little page anyway.
I hid it in Merv Griffin's
autobiography.
I thought nobody'd ever look in here.
Hurry up, Mearth,
you're gonna be late.
Oh, Mommy, Daddy,
I'm all ready for school.
Look at me.
Yes.
Oh, I shined my shoes
until they're almost silver.
I shaved my face so close so that
other children can identify with me.
Oh, no, Mind, I can't take it.
It seems like he was hatched
just yesterday.
Don't worry, Dad,
I'll be home this afternoon.
Yeah, but that means I'll have
to watch People's Court alone.
Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.
We agreed there wasn't going
to be a scene.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Daddy was a little emotional,
but he's over it now.
Like the time that he heard
that Tom Snyder was quitting.
[BEAM BEEPS]
That's it.
There's the school beam now.
All right, son, you take care
and you make me real proud of you.
Remember, at school you join
the band, don't be the organ carrier.
Oh, they're hairy.
[LAUGHING]
Here, sweetheart.
You have a good day, okay?
I'll see you when you get home.
Okay.
Gosh, well, Mommy, Daddy,
I'm still here.
You might just be a big…
Oh, Mind, he's gone.
So is my couch, Mork.
MINDY:
What are you doing?
Would you believe it?
I'm cleaning my oven.
How are they biting?
Not too bad. I had one little 5-foot
Avon lady, but she got away.
Mork, just because the baby's gone
away to school
is no reason to go crazy.
All right, Mind, got a bite. Wait.
Our mail. Yay. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Maybe it's a letter from him.
Oh, it's my Book of the Month Club.
Gary Coleman: The Early Years.
Mork, do you realize how long it's been
since we've been together alone?
Isn't there anything that you
could think of that the two of us
might do on a snowy afternoon?
We could have our second annual
Punt, Pass and Kick competition.
Oh, yay, huzzah, he's returned!
Yo, my boy, my boy,
my son, my son, my son.
Oh, huzzah, huzzah,
it's him, it's him, it's him.
Mearth, what are you doing home?
There's five hours left of school.
I hate it there
and I'm not going back there.
I hate it!
I'm not going back there. I hate it!
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
Well, besides that, son,
how was your day?
Mearth, will you stop saying,
"I hate it, I hate it, I hate it,"
- and just tell us what happened?
- I hate it.
I do hate it. The kids call me names
and that teacher,
Miss Geezba, oh, she's cruel.
I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
Is she still alive?
Oh, I had Miss Geezba too.
Boy, Mind,
I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
This is not what I call
a positive attitude.
Mind, you don't know Miss Geezba.
It's like saying disarmament
to Alexander Haig.
Mearth, you know something?
I had teachers I didn't like too,
but you know what?
They were usually the ones
I learned the most from.
I just don't fit in any world.
This is just worse than being called
Butchie, the dog-faced boy.
Oh, Mearth, sweetheart,
don't you say that.
You're just the new kid in school
and that's not easy.
Yeah, did you ever see
Massacre at Central High?
You know what, Mearth?
I came home crying
my first day at school too.
And I never would have gone back
if my mom and dad
hadn't taken me to class.
Tell you what, how would you feel
about going back to Ork Prep
if Daddy and I went with you?
Well, I'll see what Teddy says.
I only have trust in you.
Tell the truth, Teddy.
[MUTTERING]
He says yes.
Good.
Well, the two of you
have a nice time.
The three of us will have
a nice time, Mork.
I'm sure Miss Geezba will be very
happy with the way you turned out.
I don't think so, Mind.
Once on a field trip to the sun,
she made me wear a coat.
- I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
- I hate her, I hate her, I hate her.
Wow. I've never had my molecules
scattered all over the universe before.
- Am I all here?
- Well, yes, except you're bald.
Made you look, made you look,
made you look, Mind.
Oh, Mind, I'm just so happy to be back
at school again, I'm sorry.
[MUTTERING]
- Hello.
- Mearth.
Young man, we do not leave the room
without getting a hall pass.
Excuse me, sweetheart,
I'm Mearth's mother.
Could you tell me
where Miss Geezba is?
I'm Miss Geezba
and don't talk down to me.
- Mork.
- Ma'am.
You still owe me a book report.
I'm sorry, ma'am.
The last one burned up on re-entry.
Oh, please don't do that.
I don't want to have lobes
hanging down to my knees.
See, I told you that she was tougher
than a rawhide chew stick.
I'm talking about you.
Mearth.
Miss Geezba…
Uh, Mearth came home very upset,
and we were hoping
we could talk to you about him
adjusting to this environment.
See here, I've been a teacher
for 43 bleams,
and no one tells me
how to run my classroom.
Now, I'm not trying to tell you how
to run your business, you little…
It's just we were trying to make this
a more positive experience for Mearth.
I'm sure everything will be fine
once Mearth gets to know
the other children and our alphabet.
You're welcome to observe
as long as he behaves.
I hate her. I hate her. I hate her.
What did I tell you? What did I tell
you? She's the house of correction.
She is a mean, little, small person.
[BELL RINGS]
MORK: Oh, look, Mind,
aren't they cute at this age?
Oh, Mearth, I missed you at recess.
I waited for you in the sandbox.
MORK: That's very nice.
He's already made little friends.
I have a feeling
she's everybody's little friend.
Oh, Earth-head,
Earth-head, listen,
uh, I'm sorry I was mean to you
this morning.
- That's okay, Ovits.
- Isn't that nice, Mearth?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we shake and make up?
- You're not kidding me?
- Here's my hand. Ovits's hand.
[MEARTH GRUNTS
THEN OVITS LAUGHING]
[MORK SHOUTING]
Fighting again, Mork?
Take your seat.
Yes, ma'am.
But did you see
what that other kid did? He…
No, I didn't.
And no one likes a tattletale. Sit!
MEARTH:
To hit a child.
To hit a child.
Sweetheart, you sit down
and we'll be back there.
Mommy and Daddy,
remember, no matter what happens,
I still love you.
Listen, Earth-head, if you don't want
old Geezba to call on you,
when she asks a question,
all you have to do is raise your hand.
Got it? Raise your hand
when she asks a question,
- she won't pick on you.
- Can I be sure of this, Ovits?
What are friends for?
Class, can anyone tell me
who invented the flying saucer?
Mearth?
[LAUGHS]
- Well, Mearth?
- Benjamin Franklin.
[OVITS LAUGHING]
Aretha Franklin.
[ALL LAUGHING]
That will be enough, class!
Don't worry. Colleges are
very expensive nowadays, anyway.
Let's begin Manilow appreciation.
Mommy, Daddy,
you can't make me stay here.
Well, you can, but if you do,
I'll hold my breath.
Mearth, don't you worry.
Mommy's gonna go talk
to that little old pipsqueak.
Now, Mind, come on, we've gotta
come down to Ork here.
You have never been
the object of ridicule
except for that time when you tried
to play the Mikado.
Son, I know exactly how you feel.
See, when I was going to school,
I was the one they made fun of.
Kids will make fun of you
as long as you let them.
But if you've got pride in yourself,
there's nothing that anyone can say.
That's right. Hold your chin up high.
Then they can really deck you.
Do you have any idea
what it's like sitting next to Ovits?
[GROANING]
MINDY: Just ignore Ovits.
- I will.
Just ignore Ovits.
[MEARTH HUMMING]
GEEZBA: All right, class,
that's enough Manilow.
We don't wanna get
your blood sugar level too high.
Now, boys and girls,
it's time for show and tell.
Who wants to go first?
I've got something
I'd like to show Mearth.
Zelka, when you have something
new to show, raise your hand.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Perhaps Mearth has something
he'd like to share.
Well…
Well, as a matter of fact, I do.
Miss Geezba.
I guess first of all, most of you
by this time know that I'm from Earth.
I have something that none
of you have here on Ork.
None of you. I have parents.
Parents? What are those?
Well, Mommy and Daddy,
come on down.
Listen, listen, what can parents
do that a test tube don't?
Well, for instance, uh, you drop them,
they don't break.
I'll tell you some other things.
First of all…
they, well, both of them
brought me life and love.
Also, the one thing they don't let me
do is barbecue in the bedroom.
That's bad.
But when I'm real good… And I try
to be most of the time, don't I?
- They always give me
something like this.
ZELKA: Wow, what is that?
OVITS: Oh, could I see that?
- What does it do?
OVITS: Excuse me.
- Well…
OVITS: This is small.
- This is a frog.
- A frog?
Yes, see, he's amphibious.
That's a very big word for me,
amphibious.
That means he can swim in the water
and he's also pretty good on the land.
And he eats flies, of course,
has a long tongue,
and also you find him in some
of the better French restaurants.
And he goes:
[RIBBITTING]
Excuse me, Earth-head,
could I hold him?
If you let me hold him, I promise you,
I won't hit you no more.
Okay.
You hold your hands real high.
- Like that?
- A little higher in the palms.
- Keep your palms up.
- Okay.
- That's right.
- Okay.
You know,
I could really deck you right now.
But I won't.
Why?
Because I'm bigger than you are.
What a wonderful child I am.
Your little boy's going to be just fine.
- Oh, well, goodbye.
GEEZBA: Goodbye.
- Thank you for letting us observe.
- You're welcome.
- Stand up straight, Mork.
- Ma'am.
And don't forget that book report.
Yes, ma'am, I'd doing it on the Wit
and Wisdom of Richard Nixon.
It'll be a one-page essay.
- Thank you for letting us observe.
- You're welcome.
You know something?
You handled that so well with Mearth.
- You're a good father.
- Oh, bless you, Mind.
We've got another hour
until the next beam.
- How about we go shopping?
- Okay, that sounds like fun.
MORK: Good. Maybe we can buy you
a normal-size nose.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson, come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson,
come in your Fat-Farmness.
ORSON: Mork.
- Sir.
ORSON: Good to see you.
- Oh, good to see you too, sir.
ORSON:
How's the little fella doing in school?
Well, I'm proud to say, sir,
a lot better than I did.
ORSON: That's my godson.
- He is indeed, sir.
ORSON: Today Ork Prep,
tomorrow Ork Med.
Well, that's a very nice thought,
but I'm not sure
that'd be Mearth's choice.
I've learned that although it's good
to encourage your child
to shoot for the stars, it's not always
good to choose which galaxy.
If it's up to parents, there'd be
three jobs in the whole world:
Doctor, lawyer
and wholesale jeweler.
ORSON: But don't you want Mearth to
pursue a career you can be proud of?
Well, sir, that's not our decision.
We'll honor his choice, even if he
wants to become a network executive.
Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.