Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 7 - Long Before We Met - full transcript

Don't worry, Mearth. Daddy
and I won't be home too late.

You're obviously deserting me.

Ooh, I bet I know who
that is. It's Grandma.

Oh, you're gonna have
so much fun with her.

No, we're not.

All she does is wanna play
canasta. I'm going to hide.

Okay. You hide on Grandma.

- Hi.
- Hello, dear.

- Thanks for skipping your yoga class.
- Oh, it's my pleasure, dear.

Wow. Mindy.

- That dress is a knockout.
- Thanks.



You're going to be the hit
of your high school reunion.

Oh, I hope so.

To tell you the truth, I'm
a little nervous, though.

I really haven't kept up with
anybody except Glenda Faye.

I don't know if I'll have anything
in common with anyone else.

No, I suppose that
may be true. Yes.

You're married to a spaceman,
you have a full-grown son...

No, I don't think you'll
have anything in common.

Ha, ha. But I'm dying to find
out what happened to everybody.

Yeah. Well, now,
where's my little Mearth?

Oh, I don't know, Grandma.

Oh, I'm sorry he isn't here.

Why, it's too bad, because I
have a special treat for him.

A special treat?



You know, I have brought him

a great big delicious,
mouth-watering salad.

Ugh.

Oh, no, salads are for bunnies.

Oh, Mearth, I'm only kidding.

Look, I brought you a ton,
a whole ton, of brownies.

I guess so. Ooh.

Now I think about it,

I guess you're just about
my favorite babysitter.

Then when I
really think about it,

you're the only
babysitter I've ever known.

Ho!

My team is red-hot

Your team ain't doodley-squat

Kick them like a horse
Kick them like a donkey

Come on, now Let's
beat those honkies!

Where did you find my
old cheerleading sweater?

Where you hid it.

Last night when you were trying
it on, you thought I was asleep.

You were like this:

I didn't do that.

- Oh, you sure did.
- I did not.

Oh, yes, you did. No
way, no way, no way.

If you're going to go,
you'd better shake a leg.

Oh, you're right, Gram.

Mearth. Mearth, now, we
want you to be a good boy,

and you mind Grandma, okay?

I will, but you have to promise
me that I can dye Grandma's hair.

- No.
- I wanna dye her hair.

No. That's what we're talking about.
Now, be a good boy. And we'll call later

- to make sure everything's all right.
- Okay.

- We'll be here.
- Okay.

Don't worry about a thing,
dear, and have lots of fun.

Just go for it. MINDY: Ha, ha.

Thank you. We'll do everything
she used to do in high school.

We'll forge hall passes,
we'll TP the hallways,

we'll abuse substitute
teachers. Ha, ha.

I never did stuff like
that in high school.

Oh, in that case we'll just
date the entire football team.

Yeah. Bye. Be a good boy.

- I will, I will.
- If you can't be good, be reasonable.

And Daddy loves you.

- Whoo.
- Ooh.

Oh, I know you.

Mindy. Mindy McConnell, right?

I'd recognize you anywhere.

- He one of your old boyfriends, Mind?
- No.

Uh, Dickie Nimitz, this
is my husband, Mork.

Gosh, you married Mindy?

She wouldn't even go
to the library with me.

- Oh.
- She wouldn't go with me

unless I married
her first. Ha, ha.

Well, I couldn't make
that kind of commitment.

- Well, here's your badges right here.
- Oh.

Don't get them mixed
up and wear each other's.

Now that we're great pals, we
should start hanging out together again.

How about the library tomorrow?

- Oh, sure, we'd love to...
- But we can't.

My library card expired.

- See you later, Dickie.
- Yeah, excuse me for living.

Oh, here they are,
Mr. and Mrs. Snugglepuss.

Mind, you said there wouldn't
be a natural blond here.

Ha, ha. Oh, you're
such a little pudding face.

- Can you believe we're here?
- No.

Isn't this weird? Don't you feel we
should be putting on our gym suits

and playing a
game of dodge ball?

God. Ten years and
nothing's changed.

- Oh.
- Oh! Mindy!

Mindy McConnell!

- Who are you?
- Mork.

Mindy's... Mindy's better
half, the yin for her yang.

Oh, smuggling
basketballs, Mrs. Boyce?

Yeah, this is my husband,
and you're, uh, pregnant!

- There's Dickie Nimitz.
- Yeah.

We used to have so much
fun in the library together.

- Aah!
- Dickie!

Dickie Nimitz!

- Who was that?
- Althea Flyly.

- Althea Flyly.
- Yeah.

She played the lute
in the marching band.

- Oh!
- Remember?

No.

Well, I guess some
things have changed.

But you haven't. Have I?

Well, you don't wear that
headband quite so much anymore.

Mork. Uh... Uh, how
about some punch?

Oh, no, thanks.
I'm hypoglycaemic.

- I meant for me.
- Okay. Not sure you're gonna like it.

Someone dumped some old fruit in
there. It's kind of brown and... I'll go.

Mindy, Mindy.

He's here.

Who's here?

Don't you try and play cool with
me. It's Steve. Steve Sanders.

Go talk to him. I
know you're dying to.

I mean, you wore his
ID bracelet for two years.

But I haven't seen him in ten
years. I wouldn't know what to say...

Hi, Steve.

Thirty-three left,

16 right, seven left.

- Pardon me?
- Your old locker combination, Mindy.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my God.

He remembers your locker
combo. How romantic.

If that really makes your toes tingle,
this'll really knock your socks off.

This is our zip
code. It's, um, 80...

- Mork.
- Oh. Darn, I had it.

Steve, this is my husband, Mork.

- Oh.
- For sure, totally and what it was.

I've seen you somewhere
before, haven't I?

Maybe you went to
Fairview, wasn't it?

No, I went to Chester
A... School for Boys.

Oh, no. There goes
Tommy Perozzi.

Remember? Bad skin, great car.
- Ha, ha.

So, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

- Hard to believe it's been ten years.
- I know.

Yeah. Tell me everything.

- Well, I got married.
Ha, ha. STEVE: Ha, ha.

- Wing. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.

And, uh, well, I
went into journalism.

In fact, I'm working at KTNS.

- Oh.
- I do the news sometimes.

But mostly I just assist
the manager. Stuff like that.

Well, what are you doing?

Me? Oh, well, I'm still single,

and right now I'm lieutenant
governor of Wyoming.

- Wow.
- Lieutenant. Mm!

I didn't even know
Wyoming had an army.

So you don't mind if we have a
dance for old times' sake, do you?

Oh, no, take my wife, please.

Okay. See you.

Oh, yeah, have her
back by 2. Ha, ha.

Hey, Mork! Mork!

Steve and Mindy, together again.

Just like the senior prom.

Oh, there they go!

Smooch, smooch,
smooch. Ha-ha-ha.

Ha, ha. That's all
they ever did in school.

Once I caught them
necking behind the library.

Steve beat me up.

But I respected him for it.

I was a creep in
those days. Ha, ha.

- Time sure does fly, doesn't it?
- Yeah. Ha, ha.

Aren't you even jealous?

How can you just sit here and
watch your marriage dissolve?

Oh, pshaw.

I mean, I trust Mindy
farther than I can throw her.

I mean, I don't have a
jealous bone in my body.

But I'm willing to rent one.

Okay, here we go.

Now, Evel, you get $50 million
if you clear the three boxes.

Okay?

Got it, come on. Vroom.

I hope he makes it. Don't
you? Don't you? Don't you?

He made it.

Yes.

Mork, how long are
you gonna keep this up?

It's just silly.

Silly? Last night I saw a side of
you that I rarely ever see, Mind.

- Oh. What side?
- Your back.

Because your front was
too busy talking to Steve.

Mommy, are you
and Daddy fighting?

- Yes.
- No, Mearth, sweetie.

Your dad and I are just
having a little disagreement.

We really love each
other very much.

Yes, your mom and I love
each other very, very much,

but that's why we have
to be alone for a moment.

Now, you go in the bedroom
and play with the invisible dog

that Uncle Exidor gave you.

Okay. I just can't believe it.

Come on, Pablo. Let's go.

Pablo, come on. We're
going to the bedroom now.

Drop that. That thing's
been dead for days.

Drop it. Drop it.

Arf, arf. Come on, come on.

Oh. You probably just think
I'm overreacting, don't you?

- Yes.
- A silly Orkan venting his jealousy.

- Hmm?
- Mm-hm.

It pretty well sums it up, Mork.

You're upsetting yourself over
something I told you was over with

ten years ago.

I really think I deserve a little
more of your trust than that.

Yeah, I guess I have
been kind of foolish.

Yeah, come to think of it,
I don't even know what...

What's his name?

Oh, Stevie.

Stevie. Heh, heh.

So it's Stevie now?

Oh, the pain, the anguish.

The solitude.

Now I know how the
other two Supremes felt.

Ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no river...

Mork, listen to me.

The only reason there
was ever a Steve in my life

was because I
hadn't met Mork yet.

Do you understand?

No.

Okay, be that way.

I really don't have time for
this. I've gotta get to work.

Bye, Mearth. Mommy
has to go to work.

I'll see you later.

Daddy, Daddy, who won?

Well, we both did, son.

You see, we had a little problem there,
but now everything is just tutti-frutti.

Oh.

- Hello.
- Flowers for Mindy McConnell.

Oh, thank you very
much, and here's your tip.

Never eat Mexican food
and stand next to a flame.

Oh, what's in this?

Oh, no. Isn't that neat?

- You bought flowers for Mommy.
- No, I didn't. Heh.

- I'll carry these.
- Let's see.

No, I never bought any flowers
for Mommy. Let's see here.

"Mindy, it was wonderful
seeing you last night.

Let's not wait another
ten years. Love, Stevie."

Who's Stevie?

He's the lieutenant
governor of Wyoming

and your future stepfather.

Is that right?

Well, Pablo, better saddle up.

We're on our way
to cattle country.

Come on, Dad, blow.

Oh, Mearth, you're
such a comfort to me.

Hope I get to at least see you
on weekends and leap years.

Are you kidding?
Mommy loves you, Daddy.

I know that, but the problem is
that Mommy loved someone else

before she loved me.

That's very possible.

But you must know now

that she loves you more than
anything in the world, Daddy.

You're number one,
you're the head honcho.

I hope you're right.

But what if you're wrong?

Don't ask me.

I haven't been able to
cope with fractions yet.

I'm gonna take these flowers
and be sure that they stay alive.

I guess I'll put them
in the tub with Pablo.

I don't think he'll mind

after carrying that
dead thing around.

Pablo. Woof, woof, woof!

I wonder if she would
have loved me then.

Well, I've got two choices.

I can either stand here and
talk to myself like a soap opera

or go back in time
and really find out.

That's it.

I'll do it.

I haven't used these in a long time,
but now's a very special occasion.

Oh, well...

Of course. Look.

Liberace's lounge slippers.

I want those shoes.

I was an alien when I met her.

I'll go back, I'll
be an alien again.

It should work the
second time around.

Yeah. Should work.

Ready now.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like
severe pain in the ankles.

No, wait.

I'll go back in time.

'71, here I come.

'71, here I come.

Red light! Red light!

Nobody gets in here without
a student ID. That's the rules.

I am student. I am
foreign-exchange student.

Happy to be in America.

My name is Vladimir
Ivanovich Orkoff.

But you can call me Chuck.

Look, Chuck, I don't care
if you're Doctor Zhivago.

Nobody gets in here
without a student ID.

Beat it before I'm forced
to get physical with you.

- What seems to be the problem here?
- This foreign guy's trying to crash.

I'm trying to keep this
gym safe for democracy.

Ah. Well, I think there's a more
reasonable way to deal with this.

Oh, thanks, Pops.

I mean, Mr. McConnell.

Do I know you from someplace?

I come by the music
store all the time

looking for a copy of Brezhnev
Sings Ray Charles. You know:

Georgy, Georgy

Look, Dickie, he's
an exchange student.

- I think we can let him in.
- Tsk.

Thank you very much. If you
ever come to Soviet Union,

I can get you such beautiful
women. You know, Soviet girls.

Hey, I'm sorry about
the misunderstanding,

especially since you're the only
guy here without a date except for me.

Whoa. Who is she?
She is one foxy mammal.

Boy, I would walk ten miles in the
snow just to stand in her garbage.

That's Mindy McConnell.
You might as well forget it.

I've been after her
since the second grade.

You'd think by now I'd at
least have gotten a pity date.

She's only got eyes
for that nerd Steve.

Well, I don't care what you
say, I am going to marry her.

Dream on.

Boy, she's got a
Jiffy Pop hairdo too.

I may not be a poli-sci major,

but I still think that history will
prove that Nixon is a great president.

I think Karl knows
what he's talking about.

He writes for his college paper.

Really?

Do they have a good Journalism
Department at Columbia?

Come on, Snooks. How
are you gonna be a reporter?

In a newspaper, you can't
dot your I's with little hearts.

Give me a break, Stevie.

Good evening. How are you?
Permit me to introduce myself.

I am foreign-exchange student
Vladimir Ivanovich Orkoff.

But you can call me Lumpy.

Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me, but would
beefy all-American type

mind if I trip the light fanatic with
his princess all-American beauty?

Are you kidding?
This is a gag, right?

- You're in the Drama Department?
- No. No gag, please.

For one dance, I will give you actual
autographed picture of Joseph Stalin.

Oh, you don't have to do that.
- Really?

- You know Stalin?
- Personably.

- Some other time, okay, pal?
- Sorry.

Later. On the rebound.

So tell me, Vladimir, what
part of France are you from?

I wish you'd just
mellow out, Steven.

The poor guy's from
a foreign country.

I don't know why you're being
so uptight tonight anyway.

I just thought he was kind
of immature for a senior.

Steve. Steve, some of the guys
are drinking beer in the bathroom.

If you came with me,
they'd let me watch.

Beer? Be right back, Snooks.

Great. So you're gonna leave
me here and go get loaded.

Hey, if it wasn't in the boys'
room, I'd take you with me.

- Hi.
- Yo. Heh.

So do you like being a
foreign-exchange student?

Oh, it's not bad.

It's... I come to Boulder
to study Russian literature.

Boy, that's kind of
redundant, huh? Heh, heh.

You know, my art teacher
went to Russia once.

She said... Well, she said it was,
like, really different than from here.

Well, it's all right.

Well, let me enunciate to you.

It is basically a... You know in
1964, you had the Beatles invasion?

Well, in 1968, we had the
Czechoslovakian invasion.

You got music, but
we got land. Ha, ha.

Will you like to maybe, um,

well, you know, boogie now?

Shake your booties.

- Oh, you want me to dance with you?
- Oh, please.

Oh, I can't. I'm going steady.

But I thought this
was the land of the free

and the home of
the foot-long hot dog.

Well, it is.

- All right, I'll dance with you.
- Oh, whoa.

I must do like you do.

Hey.

Look, I'm drowning.

Boy, I love this country
of yours, you know?

- You do?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess
we are pretty lucky here.

You know, I was thinking
about maybe being a journalist.

I'd really like to tell people
what's going on in this country.

- Right off.
- But I don't know.

It's kind of a hard field
for a woman to break into,

and I don't know if I'd
be any good at it anyway.

Oh, you must, uh,
go for it, you know?

- Really?
- I think that someday

your family will
be so proud of you.

Thanks, that's really nice.

How do you say "thank
you" in your country?

Oh, um... Well, like this:

Oh. Ha, ha.

That's nice. You know what
else I was thinking about doing?

I've had enough of
you, borscht brain.

Wait. Wait. I have
my green card.

Wait, please. I would not
like to do Esther Williams...

- Steve, that's enough.
- Attention! Attention!

This is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

It gives me great pleasure
right now to announce the names

of this year's prom
king and queen.

I hope this isn't another
failing notice. Ha, ha.

Okay, act your age,
not your IQ. Ha, ha.

Okay. And the winner is...

Katharine Hepburn!

Just kidding.

Oh, big surprise.

Steve Sanders and
Mindy McConnell!

Oh, how dreamy! I
knew it! I just knew it!

Okay, make way!

Make way! The king and
queen are going to dance.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Yeah, we won, didn't we?

- Is that all you care about?
- They're taking our picture. Smile.

It's the biggest
night of your life.

Yeah, it just might be, Steve,
because this is our last date.

- What?
- I used to think

you were a really nice guy,
but I've changed my mind.

Later.

Lumpy, will you dance with me?

Oh, you're asking
me, a humble peasant?

Whew.

Ten years in two minutes flat.

The in-flight movie
wasn't that bad either.

They finally found a place
to show Heaven's Gate.

- Hi.
- Oh. Oh, hi.

Mind...

I came back because I feel

that we really haven't
cleared the air about Steve.

Aw.

Come on, now, Mind,
that's all in the past.

You know, jealousy's
just insecurity,

and you've never ever given me
anything to feel insecure about.

I love you.

Oh, Mork.

You know, sometimes I think
I've waited my whole life for you.

Thanks for showing up.

Well, thanks for waiting.

I better go check on Mearth.

Today we're gonna teach
Pablo how to avoid hair balls.

Oh, I picked you
up a little something.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Yeah.

- A little surprise.
- Mm-hm.