Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 6 - My Dad Can't Beat Up Anybody - full transcript

Well, it's been about two and a half
hours since we've seen Superman.

I think it's about time you
guys came in for a landing.

Come on, Mom, you
can join in with us.

Just because you're a girl, you
know, we won't make fun of you.

- You can fly just like we can.
- Yeah, Mind. Lots of women can fly.

I mean, look at this: There's
Tinker Bell, there was Grace Slick.

There was, I mean,
Amelia Earhart.

She still may be up there,
but her luggage always arrived.

Even the Wright Brothers came
down for milk and cookies, Mearth.

Oh!

So you liked your first
movie, huh, Mearth?



Well, I really did
enjoy the movies.

You know something,
I've been thinking, Mom.

Now, as I understand it,

- Superman has two jobs, right?
- That's correct.

- Okay. And Mommy has one job.
- Correct.

And Daddy watches
General Hospital.

Well, no comment.

Oh, no, Mearth, your daddy
has a job. He watches you.

Not during General Hospital.

Gee, you know something?

I hope when I grow up
I'll be just like Superman.

I thought you wanted to
grow up to be just like me.

Why?

- Oh, Mearth...
- Take it out real slow, son, real slow.



Mearth, your dad's wonderful.

No, come on, that's
all right. I'll take it over.

Son, I have lots of wonderful
qualities. I'm prompt, I'm...

Jump in any time, Mind.

Your father is loving
and special and unique.

- Yeah, but he can't fly.
- Just because I can't fly

doesn't mean I don't have a lot in
common with Superman. I mean...

Well, I mean, he's an alien
from the planet Krypton and...

Does the planet Ork
mean anything to you?

Whoo. Well, you know, Mearth,
I think it's way past your bedtime.

So why don't you take
your milk and cookies

and go upstairs and
put on your Dr. Denton's?

- Okay.
- Okay?

Oh, boy, back up to
that Fortress of Solitude.

Boy, I tell you, I'm gonna really
plug in that electric blanket tonight

and, mm, watch kitty go "rawr!"

Mork, I thought you agreed
that we wouldn't tell Mearth

you're an alien until
he gets younger.

I know, but he's been talking
up that guy in the tights again.

Oh, Mind, listen, I mean, even
Superman can't do this. Watch.

Eee...

Mork. Tsk.

- Mind, I bet he can't do the carioca.
- The what?

Got the carioca...

Mork, you don't have
to prove anything.

You have your son's respect.
Listen, all kids go through

a form of hero worship.

Believe me, it'll pass.

I guess you're right. But
just to be on the safe side,

from now on, I'm only gonna take
him to hear Slim Whitman sing Aida.

What you doing, Mind?

Oh, just brushing my hair
and making some notes.

Doing that both
at the same time?

Boy, you're one
up on Gerald Ford.

What are the notes for?

Well, Governor Lamm is taking
a skiing vacation up in Aspen,

and Dewey Fishbeck's
going up to interview him,

so they asked me to write
questions for him to ask the governor.

How come he's
not writing his own?

Well, Dewey's the anchorman.

All he knows how to do is joke
about the weatherman's sports coat.

Well, time for me
to hit the old sack.

Okay. I'm just gonna leave the
light on for a few more minutes, okay?

Oh, that's all right with me, Mind.
I've slept through an eclipse. Heh, heh.

Yeah, you know... Ugh!
Can't sleep. Insomnia!

Oh, oh. The restless...
Oh, the tossing, the turning.

Oh, you know what's wrong, Mind?

I don't have my little
guy's respect up there,

and R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
that's what it means to me.

He's just infatuated
with a movie.

Just like you were with
the midget wrestlers.

Terry the Teeney Terror didn't
have a spit curl and red boots.

Mork, will you forget the movie?
You have your son's respect.

No, I don't, Mind,
and why should I?

I mean, you bring home the
bacon. All I do is collect the grease.

You have the biggest
responsibility of all,

raising a child.

Gloria Steinem didn't buy
that one, Mind, and neither do I.

I mean, I want my
son to look up to me.

Even though he does
have the height advantage.

Mind, I've gotta go out and
get myself a job, a legitimate job.

Mork, you already have a job,

and that's being
an observer for Ork.

My gosh, that's like being an
ambassador to the entire planet.

Yeah, but I can't tell anybody,
especially my own son, Mearth.

I mean, Mind, I want to
have a job I can talk about.

I mean, come home and
complain about the boss,

hang around the water
cooler, chat with friends,

flirt with my secretary, get
drunk at the Christmas party

and make a fool out of myself. I mean,
something a son can really respect.

Mork, listen, if your mind's
made up, it's fine with me.

I just want you to realize it's
not that easy to get a good job.

Mind, I am a superior being.

I mean, I can
get any job I want,

and if by some
fluke of fate I can't,

well, I can always
write a diet book.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Little boodle bugger.

What a day it is outside, huh?

I mean, I'm talking
about blue, blue, blue sky,

Paul Newman blue,
you know, like "bing."

It stretches all the
way to the Flatirons.

If John Denver isn't
writing a song now,

he's missing a million-seller.

Yeah, mm-hm. Good
day job-hunting?

Oh, heh. I mean, the
possibilities are infinite.

- Oh.
- I've narrowed it down to two things:

either giving blood every
day for the rest of my life

or the job at Remtec of
nocturnal surveillance official.

Nocturnal sur...

Could that be anything
like night watchman?

Oh, well, that's a
generic term, yes, Mind.

Oh. I know the profit
sharing, the pension plan,

the perks aren't
what they should be,

but I do get along very
well with the Doberman.

Well, at least you have options.

Yes, oh, Mind, Mind,
it's so good to know

that I can expand my
knowledge into so many fields

and have the ultimate security
and confidence to carry on like that.

And what is one suitcase
packed and ready to go?

Well, I have to go away
for the weekend to Aspen.

Oh, that's fine, Mind. I'm about
to lose my son's respect for life,

and you're off barrel jumping
with Peggy and Rhonda Fleming.

Mork, it's a business trip.

Oh. Oh, you're deserting
me for business, Mind.

That makes me feel a heck of a
lot better. I thought it was personal.

Mork, come on. I love you,
and I'm not deserting you,

and here comes Mearth.
We'll talk about it later.

- Hi, Mearth. MORK:
Hello, son, hello.

Wait a minute, pilgrims.

Just stay away from that
water hole. It's contaminated.

And don't fill your
canteens until I tell you.

Mork, I think his
voice is changing.

Oh. Mearth, do you
have a frog in your throat?

No. I have John
Wayne in my throat

and I have a frog in my pocket.

Daddy, I wanna ask you
something. I was upstairs watching TV

and I saw a Western. - Hmm.

I wanna ask you,
have you ever...?

Have you ever strung up
12 outlaws single-handedly?

Well, I once stopped a
lady in the express line

who had too many items.

Boy, I bet everybody
at the supermarket

sure thanked your daddy.

Uh, I was wondering, is
somebody going bye-bye?

Yeah, I am. MEARTH: Oh.

See, Dewey Fishbeck had an
allergic reaction to his toupee,

and his head is
covered in hives,

and so I have to go to Aspen
to interview the governor.

Interview the governor? Oh,
my gosh, that is important.

Daddy's doing
something important.

Daddy's making macaroni
tonight with cheese.

- Mm!
- Mm.

Not nearly as important
as what you're doing.

Well, it's American cheese.

Oh, American cheese, Mearth.

Boy, I wish I could stay here with
you and your daddy and have macaroni.

Mom, go on and see the governor.

Incidentally, do you think
you could get his autograph?

And if you can't, I'd
just as soon have yours.

Mearth, could you help Mommy
by taking her skis down to the car?

It'll be an honor.

Now, Mork, I don't
want you to overreact.

He's just a child, and
he's easily impressed.

Tomorrow his hero
will be Reggie Jackson.

Oh, good, another
person I can't compete with.

Oh, I really feel
like I should stay.

Don't be silly. Don't worry.

I mean, you know,
I'm the eternal optimist.

I can be down right
now. Life's just a seesaw.

I can be down one moment
and then, whoop, back up again.

Hello?

Speaking.

Remtec Corporation?
Shh, shh, shh.

I scored very high
on the IQ test?

I had to play dumb. Ha, ha.

The personnel director liked me?

Nothing can stop
me now, Mind, I got it.

Nee-nee-nee

Yes.

Mm-hm.

Yes.

Thank you.

You did it, Mork, you did it.

What makes you say that, Mind?

Well, you just said that the
personnel director liked you

and you scored
highly on the IQ test.

Well, when they put my personality
profile through the computer,

they found out if they left
me alone with a Doberman

that he'd bite my head
off and bark down my neck.

Well, by the time you
come back from your trip,

our son will have
finally disowned me,

so you take care
and have a nice time.

Mork, would you give me a hand?

Oh, hi, hi, little pooter,

- I missed you.
- I missed you too... Oh!

Don't touch me
there. I've got a bruise.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, don't touch me there either.

- Another bruise?
- No, the same one.

It goes all the way around. Heh.

You know, everybody always
told me I was a good skier,

but Governor Lamm
makes Jean-Claude Killy

look like a snow bunny.

Oh. It sounds like you
were skiing over your head.

I was skiing on my head.

The governor suggested
that we start out

on something called Tammy's Run.

I figured, how difficult can
anything be named Tammy?

Well, that's before I found out it was
named after the late Tammy Ericson.

You ski right past her
headstone. You can't miss it.

And I didn't.

- Come here, little pooter.
- Thanks.

Well, compared to us,
you had a swell time.

What do you mean?
Is Mearth all right?

Well, yes. He didn't stir-fry
his toys or anything, but...

I think I should
start at the beginning

so you can understand how
innocently this disaster started.

Disaster? Oh, Mork, don't
tell me about a disaster.

Okay, Armageddon.

While you were off
gallivanting with the governor,

I felt about as useless as
a lawnmower on AstroTurf.

It was a very crisp, clear day,

and it began very innocently with a
breakfast of fresh fruit and hog jowls.

Mork, will you get to the point?

Come on, I was just
trying to set the mood.

I mean, no wonder the
novel is dead as an art form.

Well, it all started off with a
simple lesson in geography.

And then the wheels of
catastrophe started to turn.

Now show me a country where
it's legal to marry your livestock.

- Let's see, right here.
- Yes, that's right, India.

If we can't eat them,

at least we'll make
them part of the family.

- All right.
- I don't wanna play geography anymore.

I really don't. I wanna
play hide-and-seek.

Well, no, we have
to do our lessons.

Okay, then if we have to do
our lessons, where's Metropolis?

Where does Superman live?

Huh. All right, as the world
turns, let's play hide-and-seek.

Okay, tell you what,
we can combine the two.

We'll combine geography
and hide-and-seek.

I'll be Russia and you play
a small third-world country

and I'll have to find and dominate
you through military and economic aid.

Here we go, ready?
Okay, here we go.

You promise to keep
your eyes closed, Daddy.

- All right.
- Please.

Okay.

Dad.

Daddy, what's this?

Well, that's my space... Oh.

Well, what do
you think it is, son?

Well, it's the most attractive
costume I've ever seen.

Look at this, how beautiful,
and this, whatever it is,

this diamond pointing down
towards the man's shoes.

Gosh, and look
at this on the back.

The same diamond pointing
down to his shoes in the back.

It's incredible.

Are you trying to tell me that
this doesn't belong to a superhero?

Let's not jump to
any conclusions, son.

Maybe someone sang with the
Commodores, you don't know.

Please, come on, Dad,
you can level with me.

I mean, you know, I'm not
Lois Lane or anything like that.

I'm your son, Mearth.
Come on, tell me the truth.

All right, son, well,
I'll level with you.

The truth is this is mine,

but I'm not now or never
have been a superhero.

Oh, gee. Not another
major depression.

I can't handle...
I've had four today.

Well, son, son, wait a minute.

It doesn't mean that I
can't be a superhero.

I mean, it's a
perfect job for me.

I mean, I could be my own
boss. The hours are perfect.

How's this sound to
you, son? How about this?

Mork McConnell, crime-fighter.
Does that make you proud?

Why, it sure does.

Son, that's what I've
been waiting to hear.

- Then you've got it.
- Wait a minute.

Could I go out there
and battle evil with you?

All right, but if you see any
criminals from the Phantom Zone

or any large farmers
from the central time zone,

you just find someplace safe

and watch your daddy
swing into action.

Dad, I'm so proud to
be able to serve with you.

Oh, son. Son, don't
you worry about a thing.

- Whew. Ooh.
- Ha, ha.

I'm gonna go back there and
change into my superhero costume.

- Dad. Dad.
- Don't worry about a thing.

It's a little cold outside, son.

You think it would tarnish my
image if I wore Mommy's muff?

I wouldn't wear the muff.

I really wouldn't
wear the muff, Dad.

You're still my hero, but
don't wear the muff, okay?

See that, son? Never
too old for nap time.

Come on in here, get a quick
cold drink, and get on our way.

I don't know, Dad.

We've been walking
around for two days.

Gee, we haven't
seen one decent crime.

You know, Superman flies. It's
a bummer having to ride the bus.

Superman can't make
exact change like we can.

Who in the hell are you?

Well, just two ordinary people
trying to take a fashion risk.

We'd like two milks, please.

Uh, incidentally, could I have a
glass with Fred Flintstone on it?

I think we had some
milk around here once.

I'll check and see
if it's still liquid.

This is the kind of place
we might find a man

who will violate law
and the American way.

Oh, Dad, God bless you. You
sound just like Steve Garvey.

All right, now, what's with
you? Who are you, anyway?

I'm Mork McConnell,

crime-fighter and
part-time superhero.

Oh, really? Ha, ha. And who
are you, Wonder Woman?

I happen to be Mearth,
his important sidekick.

Just give me a straight answer,
just a straight simple answer,

before somebody here hands
you your kneecaps on a platter.

Come on, Dave.
It ain't worth it.

Listen, you guys don't belong
here. You could get hurt.

Take a hike.

There's a bar down the street
that caters to superheroes, okay?

I can't go there. You
see, I'm not union.

Oh, son, come on, now, I think
there's a lot of tension in here.

Let's check out the jukebox

and see if they have
the love theme from Alien.

Hey, Dave, how are you doing?

- Charlie, how are you?
- All right, how about a beer?

I don't think I'd
be hanging here.

There been some people
asking questions about you.

Hey, don't worry about me.

Nobody finds me unless
I want them to find me.

- Wrong again, Charlie.
- Heh-heh-heh.

Heh-heh-heh. We figured
you'd show up sooner or later.

Daddy, he's got a gun.

- Do something.
- You're right, son.

Well, do something!

Hold it right there! How
about you dropping that gun

before I hand you my
kneecaps on a platter?

Hey, thank you, partner.

Oh, no sweat. Will someone
now call a policeman?

I'm a policeman.

Oh, this is gonna be a black
mark on your record, Dad,

if you go through with this.

Looks like I'm gonna
have to split town again,

but I'm a little
short on cash, so...

Ah. Dave, will
you empty the till?

And everybody else,
you empty your pockets.

- I don't have any pockets.
- Ah. Good.

Then you get to
collect all the cash.

Oh, my pleasure, sir. Lovely
seven and three-quarters.

- Donations are greatly appreciated.
- Dad, Dad, I plead with you.

Don't do this. That cap is filthy.
You don't know where it's been.

Besides, the money you're
taking from these guys, I'm sure...

Son, now, please, son, please.

Now, that's a criminal
over there with a gun,

and the surgeon
general has determined

bullets can be hazardous
to your health. Now, please.

I'm not Superman...
Thank you very much.

And even if I was, I wouldn't want
to see you or these people hurt.

Now, son, please,
please. I'm not a coward.

Hey! Who said you could move?

He was just
helping me, that's all.

Shut up! I told you,
empty the pockets.

All I have is a frog
in my right pocket.

Please, he's telling you the truth,
Charlie. Oh, I'm a nonviolent person.

Here, take your money
and go. Leave us all alone.

Hey, I happen to be a
violent person, so shut up.

- I told you, empty the pockets.
- Hey. Stop that. I'm warning you.

I want those pockets turned inside
out. What have you got to hide?

- Ow!
- Nobody, nobody, hurts my family.

What's doing this?

What the hell is going on here?

Daddy, what happened?

I don't know, son.

We'll just hope it
never happens again.

Come on, you're safe
now. Let's go home.

You know something?

They said Chicago
was the Windy City.

Then the newspaper
reported that a freak tornado

touched down in a small bar.

It was really scary, Mind.

I mean, I didn't know I had
that kind of rage inside of me.

I'm afraid of what'll happen the next
time I open a pistachio and there's no nut.

Well, Mork, you were
protecting Mearth.

But I only wanted his respect and
put him in a dangerous situation.

I know. You did take it too far,

but it's normal to want
respect from Mearth.

Daddy, I have so
much respect for you.

Oh, Mearth. Mearth, I missed
you. I was gone for two days.

You, I know, I know, I know.

Gosh, you know,
while you were gone,

- how brave Daddy was.
- I heard.

He took a gun away from
a criminal. He did, he did.

And he didn't even muss
his hair during the tornado.

Well, I guess I owe it all
to Ann Miller's hair spray.

Daddy, you're so great.

See, Mork? You've been searching
for something you had all along.

- You really mean it, son?
- Of course I do.

You're everything to me.

I mean, you play with me, you
read to me, we watch TV together.

We're together all day long.

Oh. Mearth, I mean,
what about Superman?

He's a joke.

He doesn't mean anything to me.

He's a fake. He's fictitious.

Mearth, why don't you tell
Daddy who your new hero is?

Oh, come on, Mind, he
doesn't have to, really.

I will. It's the governor.

I got that from you, Dad.
That's your sense of humor.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in...

Hola.

Oh, excuse me, Ola.

I must have the wrong mind.

I'm looking for Orson.

Orson no in casa. This is
his housekeeper, Keezbalita.

Keezbalita, could you
turn off the vacuum?

Oh, thank you. That's much
better. But where's Orson?

He's no in casa.

Well, I have a report
for him, Keezbalita.

I can take a message.

Well, will you tell him,
please, that Mork called,

and that this week I learned

that fathers put too much
pressure on themselves

to be the apple of
their child's eye?

They should be concentrating
on being loved for what they are,

not what they think
that they should be.

- Did you get that?
- You bet.

I tell Orson Monty
called. Na-no.

I work five hours on a report,

and somebody named
Monty gets all the credit.

Well, patience, patience.