Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 5 - Mama Mork, Papa Mindy - full transcript

I don't believe it.

Our baby is a full-grown man.

Things like this just don't
happen in the Midwest.

I know. I'll call Dad.
He'll know what to do.

Oh, no, he won't.

That child is astounding.

Absolutely phenomenal.

This is the first time a baby has
ever given me a perfect footprint

for the birth certificate.

Look at that beauty.

Not a smudge on it.



Great, Exidor.

That's Dr. Exidor.

Now, I know you have a lot of
questions for your pediatrician.

This has got to be
the most bizarre thing

that's ever happened
in my entire life.

Don't you think that
baby is unusually large?

Baby? What baby?

Why wasn't I consulted?

I'm talking about our baby.

The distinguished-looking
gentleman in the diaper.

Oh, him.

Rather unique.

He seems so alien.

I wonder if there's anything
Earthling about him.



Why do new parents
always ask that question?

Your baby is half-Orkan.

That means he's aging backwards,

and he has three hearts.

But he does have some
human characteristics.

For instance, he seems
to enjoy a good story.

What?

Oh, Mind. Mind, I'm a
mother. Huzzah, huzzah!

Here, have one.
They're Tiparillo lights.

Oh, I couldn't have
done it without you.

I couldn't have even
lifted him without you.

This has just all
happened so fast.

I really think we
need to talk about this.

Alone.

I suppose I'm not
invited to dinner either.

Well, I've got to finish my
paper for the medical journal.

Anyway, I'm going to be the
best dance critic they ever had.

Oh, Mind, I have to admit,

he's the most beautiful
child you've ever seen.

Mind, wait till you see
the little overalls I got him.

He looks just like Lester
Maddox on steroids.

Yeah, he's cute, Mork,
in a mature sort of way,

but our baby isn't exactly
what I was expecting.

Oh, we'll have a
girl next time, Mind.

No, that's not what I meant.

Mork, he's different.

I mean, he has the
body of a 50-year-old

and the mind of an infant.

Well, you said you
always liked Jerry Lewis.

Mork, having a child is difficult
under normal circumstances,

but, Mork, rhinos
have smaller babies.

Mind, do I sense a little
note of trepidation there?

Now, come on, now, he's a
little helpless innocent child.

- Well...
- Come, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Let's go. Come on. No,
he's just a little nooter.

Mind. Mind. Mind, he can walk.

Mork, he can destroy.

Oh, isn't it amazing?
Isn't he magnificent?

I mean, who ever stood
after being only an hour old?

Black Beauty.

There you go. Come to
Mama. Come on, there we go.

Another one for Baby News. One
more, there we go. There's one.

There... One for Parents'
World. There's another.

There. Now, a little
nother one. There we go.

Oh, good, good.
There we go. There.

Playboy. One for
Playboy. There we go.

Oh, that's okay. After
Dark. One for After Dark.

Oh, little pooter,
little pooter.

Neener-neener-neener. Ha, ha.

Oh, Mind. Oh, isn't
he the most beautiful?

Oh, little pooter, come
on, now, pucker up.

Come over here. Oh, there we go.

Whoa!

Oh, Mind, isn't he beautiful?
I mean, he's got your eyes

and Charles Bronson's beard.

Yeah.

Now, make nice,
make nice. There.

Hi there.

I'm your, uh, father. Heh.

Oh, that's nice.

I think I've thought of
a name for him, Mind.

- Oh... Ow!
- No, no.

Here's the name.
Here's the name.

You combine Mork, Mindy
and Earth equals Mearth.

Mearth. Mearth McConnell.

- Well, it is unusual.
- Right.

But then, so is he. Heh, heh.

There you go.

No, you have to
bite off the tip first.

No! No, he'll choke
on that. No, Mearth.

Mearth, Mearth,
Mearth, look over there.

Mearth, look.

No, no, no.

He hasn't eaten since he
arrived. What do you think he eats?

I don't know. He's got all of his
teeth. Maybe a little beef jerky.

Oh, no, I think he'd rather
eat my comforter. No, no.

No, no. No, Mind,
Mind, Mind. No.

No, Mind, I think he wants the flowers
in the comforter, not the comforter.

- Are you sure?
- I know my own son, Mind.

Here we go. Look.

Hare Krishna, Hare
Lama Hare Krishna

Hey there... No.

Ah, ha, ha. Oh.

Mm.

Let's hope there
are no bees on there.

- Mm. Mm.
- Ah. Ah.

Bathe the baby, bathe the baby.

I told Mork he
wouldn't fit in the sink.

- Who is it? FRED:
It's me, honey.

Oh, hi.

Look at you.

Well, I'm just on my way
to play a little Dixieland.

- Oh, yeah?
- So how's the new bride doing?

Oh, great. Heh, heh.

Oh, that's an interesting piece
of sculpture. Is it a wedding gift?

Oh, no, it's not a present.

Actually, it's a piece
of a great big eggshell.

What was in it, a Buick?

Close.

Well, I guess there's no
putting this off any longer.

I've got something to tell you.

And I think you better
take this sitting down.

Well, okay, honey, fire away.

Okay. Let's see,
how should I put this?

Remember when I was 11

and you told me where
babies came from?

Yes.

You lied.

Well, now, Mindy, I
may have glossed over

a few major details,
but I never lied.

Right, that's true.

We've always been
truthful with each other,

so I'm just gonna
lay this right out.

See, for some
strange Orkan reason,

Mork got pregnant, laid an
egg, and now we're parents. Heh.

Boy, I'm glad that's over with.

Uh, are you trying to tell me that
I'm the grandfather of a chicken?

No. No, no, no, it's a baby.

It's a 6-foot 225-pound
middle-aged baby named Mearth.

Are you serious?

Dad, don't fall apart on me. You're
the only one I can talk to about this.

- Are you serious?
- I know it's a shock. It was for me too.

I mean, where am I gonna
find size 46 Pampers?

Where is he?

Oh. Oh, um, uh...

Mork took him to
the park for lunch.

They're grazing in
a flower bed. Heh.

Good. Come on.

- To the park?
- No, we're going to the airport.

By tomorrow morning,
you can be in Brazil.

Dad, I'm not gonna run away.

I mean, he's my son.

I know it's kind of weird now,

but I'm sure in enough time, I'll
grow to love every hair on his chest.

Won't I?

Well, honey, if that's
what you wanna do.

Oh, sure, you will, honey.

Now, you never were
afraid of new experiences.

I mean, you married an alien
and you went to another planet,

and you were the first girl in
Boulder to play Little League baseball.

Thanks. I hope you're right.

You have to realize that most
squirrels don't normally fly like that.

My God, it is true.

Say hi to Grandpops. There
we go. Say "Hi, Grandpa."

There you go. Neener-ner.

Quick, Mindy, call Air Brazil.

Well, there he goes again,

every hour, on the
hour, just like clockwork.

Yep. Well, I'll
give him his bottle.

But this time, you burp him. I
think I threw my shoulder out.

Oh, no.

Look, Mork, he tossed
out his bottle again.

Here's your bottle.

There you go.

Powdered.

Powdered? It's
not powder, it's...

He spoke!

Oh, Mind, he's a genius.

Our little baby can talky-awky.

Don't patronize me.

Where would he
learn such big words?

Well, William F. Buckley was
hosting The Muppets this evening.

Let me see the quality,

the porcine and porcupine
quality, of the tiny bubbles

as the hands
motivate the motion.

Mearth, watch Daddy.

Mearth, what's
Daddy bouncing on?

- What is it?
- Tush.

I was shooting for
bed, but he's right.

Of course he is, Mind.
He's half a superior being.

What...? All right.
And who are you?

- Who are you?
- Mearth.

- And who am I?
- Mommy.

Oh. Mind, I feel just like Anne
Bancroft in The Miracle Worker.

And now the big question,
no pressure, though.

- Who's this?
- Mm...

- Shoe.
- Shoe?

Hey, isn't that wonderful,
Mind? His first non sequitur.

- Mork, he called me "Shoe."
- Funny, you don't look Shoeish.

Oh. Come on, now. Come on, now,
my little Mearth, my little whiz kid.

Say "Daddy."

Daddy.

Tired.

Mind, he's bilingual.

Great, he's bilingual.

You're Mommy and I'm Shoe.

Don't worry about it,
Mind. He still loves you.

Besides, he'll be up again in
another hour and we'll try again.

- Good night, hon.
- Good night.

Night, Mearth.

You know, Mork,
now that he's talking,

we're gonna have to be careful
no one finds out he's an A-L-I-E-N.

If anyone should
find out that... Whoa!

Mind, what are you
doing on the floor?

Looks like I got squeezed out.

- I just wanted to cuddle.
- Aw.

He's just afraid, Mind. We saw
The Shining today, remember?

I don't wanna go now.

Oh, that's all right.

There's not room for the three
of us. I'll sleep on the couch.

Oh, no, no, no,
you do the honors.

I'll be more comfortable
on the couch.

- Night, Mork.
- Night, Mind.

- Night, Mearth.
- Night, Shoe.

Come in.

Mork, what happened?
Have you been robbed?

No, Mearth and I were
just playing Morkie Dearest.

Three-hundred-dollar
dress on a wire hanger?

- Let me untie you.
- No, no, no, that's all right.

It's the only way I can
sit through Phil Donahue.

I see.

You know, Mork, little Mearth...

I mean, big Mearth kind
of took me by surprise,

but the bottom line
is, I am his grandfather.

He's my grandson, so it's
about time I started spoiling him.

- Oh, football. He's gonna love that.
- No, Mork, it's baseball.

I knew that. That's what you do
before you start selling coffee machines.

Well, okay. So
where's the bride?

Oh, Pops, you'll
be so proud of her.

Perfect American father.
She comes home late,

never plays with the kids,
and brings in the paycheck.

Uh, Mork, I don't think you
understand what a good father is.

You see, good fathers wanna
be there as much as they can be.

- Oh.
- It's wonderful

to watch your children
grow up, and it's...

It's wrong that
she's missing it.

Oh. On third thought,
Pops, I guess you're right.

If it wasn't for Mr. Sternhagen
forcing her nose down

to the grindstone,
she'd be here right now.

- What are you talking about?
- He asked her to work the night shift.

Oh, well, no, he didn't, Mork.

Didn't Mindy tell you that she
volunteered for the night shift?

Oh.

I feel like I've gotta sit down.

Oh, you are sitting.
Just bend your legs.

How convenient.

Oh, Mindy asked to
work the night shift?

- Do you know what that means?
- I'm afraid I do.

Will you tell me?

All right, Mork, I'll try. Uh...

I think Mindy is confused
and apprehensive

about being a parent to Mearth.

What she needs is time
to be close to the child,

and then love will
take care of the rest.

Oh. You're right, Pops.

No house of mine's gonna
become a broken home.

No way.

Whoa, Houdini, watch out.

Mearth, come on, now.
We're gonna go find Mindy.

Well, give me a head start.
It's gonna take me a while.

Uh, Mork, you're not
gonna let him go out like that.

Oh, you're right. Mearth,
go put on your jacket.

Well, isn't this an
exciting feature?

We'll be back after this commercial
to the KTNS Science Fiction Festival

and the dramatic conclusion
of It Came From Diablo Canyon.

Here we go, come on in. Mind,
I got here as fast as I could.

Mork, what are you doing here?
And why is Mearth up so late?

I have to make a
report to O-R-S-O-N.

- About what?
- Sagittarian women.

What? Wait.

- Mind, I can't talk.
- You can't leave him here like this.

Take care of him. Take
care of him. I'll be right back.

Hi, Mearth. Heh.

So, Mearth, where did Mommy
take you for lunch today?

To a Japanese restaurant,
and I had tempura

and sashimi and bonsai tree.

Bonsai tree?

Oh, yeah, that
sounds nutritious.

So, what do you think
of where Daddy works?

Pathetic.

I have better stuff
than this in my room.

Fake.

No, no, no, don't touch that.

Oh, no. Oh, Mearth. Mearth.

Daddy didn't mean to scare you.

It's just that Daddy's
rocket ship is not a toy.

When's Mommy coming back?

Well, soon, I hope.

Mearth, you have on your
pitcher's mitt upside down.

Here, let me help you.

Did Mommy teach you
how to play baseball?

No?

You put it on right... Give me
your... Here, give me your hand.

No. Mearth, look over there.

Now, give me your hand. Help me.

Want me to teach you
how to play catch? Yeah?

Okay. Come over here and Daddy
will teach you how to play catch.

Whew.

Mearth. Mearth, we're
gonna... I'm gonna throw the ball,

and you catch it, okay? Okay?

Now, you keep
your eye on the ball.

Mearth, watch the
ball and catch the ball.

Here you go. One, two, three.

Oh!

Mearth, look over there.

What's that? What's
that over there?

Yeah. We're
gonna try this again.

Whew.

Oh, that's all right.
Tickle, tickle, tickle.

This time I'm gonna throw it,
and you catch it in the mitt, okay?

You catch it in the
mitt. Okay? Here we go.

Watch the ball.
One, two, three. Ooh.

And they call this
the national pastime?

Mearth. This time,

Daddy knows you're
gonna catch the ball.

Put the mitt like this, okay?

Here we go.

One, two, three.

- Oh, he caught the ball!
- Oh! Ah!

Daddy.

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy...

- What'd you say?
- Daddy.

That's great, son.

- You did real good. Wanna try again?
- No.

Room for one more?

Mork, I'll bet there wasn't an
emergency at all, was there?

Yes, there was, Mind. You
didn't feel part of the family.

I guess I have
been running away.

But you know what? I'm
gonna quit this night job

so I can spend all
my time with you two.

Oh, this is a wonderful moment.

We're so much happier
than the Jeffersons.

You know what would
make me really happy?

If Mearth would call
me Mommy. Mearth?

Mearth. Mommy, Mearth.

- Mommy.
- Mommy.

- Mommy.
- Mm-hm.

Daddy.

Shoe.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come
in, Your Grandioseness.

Hello, Mork.

You seem to be in an
unusually good mood.

Hitting the ginger ale again?

Oh, no, sir. I'm high on life.

Just hold on to your fish
sticks. I had a baby boy.

A baby? What a
completely outdated concept.

Oh, sir, come on, now. I
know you're gonna love him

because judging by your
size, he could be yours.

Sir, I just happen to have a
few photographs here with me.

Can I show them to you,
please? Here they go. Eh-ee.

Here he is at 2 hours old.

He seems very alert
for a child his age.

Oh, yes, sir. Eh-ee.

Here is his first
piggyback ride.

And here's a family
portrait. Eh-ee.

This one was snapped
just before we were airborne.

Well, Mork, I must admit,
he is rather exceptional.

Oh, sir, I'm glad you think so.

Because Mindy and I want
you to be the godfather.

Me? Absolutely not.

I am not getting involved in
your barbaric Earthling matters.

Oh, I see.

He does look a little
like me, doesn't he?

Well, sir, especially
around the equator.

Oh, a check.

Oh, thank you, godfather. Mm-mm.

Oh, sir. Oh, this will assure
him of a college education,

or at least a hamburger
and some onion rings.

Until next week, sir, na-no.

A buck thirty?

Such a big man,
and he gives so little.