Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 12 - Present Tense - full transcript

Na-no, na-no.

Only my husband would buy
out the entire airport gift shop

in his own hometown.

Will you take off the silly hat?

You look like a character
from Tumbleweeds.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mind. I had
to do something though.

I really miss our little
bouncing baby-man.

I do too. I'm gonna miss Mearth.

Oh, but it's good for him
to be with Dad in Florida.

Just think, they'll camp out, sleep
under the stars, swat mosquitoes.

Yeah. Wait a minute.



- That's how Deliverance started.
- Heh.

It'll be a good
experience for him.

Anyway, you know, we could
really use the time together.

You think about it, Mork, the baby
was born as soon as we got married.

We never had an opportunity
to spend time together

as just husband and wife.

I'm still gonna miss
the little buggerpoo.

Yeah.

Sneaking around with his
Polaroid, trying to take pictures of us

- in compromising positions.
- Yeah. Ha-ha.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm gonna
miss waking up to,

"Mommy, how come you look
so different in the morning?"

And when I go to the park, who's
gonna push me on the swing?



Boy, listen to us.

I think there's more to our
marriage than just being parents.

Just think, we can spend a whole
week together, just the two of us.

You got any ideas?

Well, there's an
exciting new series on TV

where the Osmond Family
plays the Donner Party.

I think we can do better

than sitting around
watching television.

I really had something a little
more exciting and exotic in mind.

Well, we could buy a parrot.

And teach it to talk dirty.

Mind, come on, I was kidding.
You know what I'm talking about.

I know we're a couple
of vibrant young people

that wear trendy clothes.

You know, the world belongs
to us and the OPEC nations.

- You smooth talker, you.
- Mm... Mm-hm-hm-hm.

- Mm.
- Aah!

Mork! The telephone.

Mork.

Shh! Stop it! Hello.

Yes, this is Mindy.
Wait one second, please.

Mork, will you stop it?

Wait, I'll be off in a
minute. I'll be off in a minute.

Shh, shh, shh.

Hello? Yes, I'm back.

Now?

Yeah, but what about
Dewey Fishbeck?

Yes, sir. Okay,
I'll be right over.

Bye. Oh, God.

Mork.

This isn't the way I
wanted to start our week,

but I've gotta go
meet the camera crew.

A used car dealer's
been kidnapped,

and nobody wants
to pay the ransom.

- Or cover the story.
- Oh, look, I understand, Mind.

Business before pleasure.

But don't worry, tonight when
you come home, I'll give you Magic.

And if I can't get him,
I'll get Kareem. Ha.

Hello? No.

You know the words to this song.

My boyfriend's back

And there's gonna be trouble

My boyfriend's back

Mork, are the Arafats
coming for bridge?

No, no, Mind, I would
like to welcome you

to the wonderful world
of Middle-Eastern cuisine.

Welcome to Moroccafeller Center.

If you're very nice to me, I might be
able to get you your passport back.

This is great. Everything
looks so Moroccan.

The pillows. Your falafel
outfit. And the music.

Yes, I taped it off this great
Middle-Eastern station, K-FEZ.

Talk about 16 with a bullet.

Gee, Mork, you
went to all this trouble.

I feel like I should go to
the river and do our laundry.

Oh, Mind, Mind,
Mind, don't be afraid,

because I have made you an
incredible, original Moroccan meal.

Totally traditional because I went
out and begged for the ingredients.

Sit down.

- There we go.
- This how I'm supposed to sit?

Well, that is if you're Yogi
Berra. "Yo, right in there."

We must begin, first of all, by the
traditional washing of the hands,

which is traditional in most Moroccan
meals and some Moroccan surgery.

Dip your hands in
there. There we go.

- Feels like dishwashing liquid.
- It is, and you're soaking in it.

There we go. There we go.
And now we must do the feet.

No. I'm not gonna
eat with my feet.

Oh. Damn, there goes dessert.

- Mork, just sit down. Let's talk.
- All right, my dear.

My little macaroon.

Mork, I love that
you did this for me.

- Oh...
- You know...

Oh, we'll have time
for some chat later,

but first, I must serve
you the first course,

the traditional
Moroccan appetizer.

Hold on and I will see, I will
try to pronounce it for you.

Let's see if I can pronounce it.

Fruit cocktail.

What's Moroccan about that?

Well, when I opened
the can, it went:

A little Slim Whitman.

You're gonna love the next
course. Couscous and mahi-mahi.

I got the recipe from
Lu-Lu in Walla Walla.

How she got the recipe,
I'll never know-know-know.

Um, there's no silverware. We're
supposed to eat with our fingers?

Yes, because all the silverware is
used in Morocco to tunnel out of prison.

First of all, you must
take some of this.

And... Be careful there.
Don't dip in the food.

You can dip, but don't dip.

Take a piece of this and take some...
And put some of that in there like this.

And then you savor the taste.

Ooh. Heh-heh.

Ooh. MORK: Mm.

It's so hard to get fresh
camel lips in Boulder, Mind.

- Ooh.
- Oh...

- You know, Mork, I have a confession.
- What, Mind?

I was afraid that with Mearth gone
we wouldn't have anything to talk about.

Oh, Mind, we'll have plenty of
things to talk about, but after this.

- Oh, what?
- Ha-ha. You'll see.

Oh.

- Who is that?
- Oh, sorry. Fatima, Mindy.

Mindy, Fatima.

I would have gotten a snake-charmer,
but his kid was having a Bar Mitzvah.

- Well, it's different.
- Oh, it is.

Not what I expected.

I think she wants to
dance with you, Mind.

Uh, well, you go ahead.

My navel jewel's
off being appraised.

It won't be the same
effect without a halter top.

Ooh...

Oh. Round two.
You and Fatima chat.

Maybe you can ask where
she got these wonderful clothes.

You dance really well.

You know, Casablanca
was my favorite film.

Specialty of the house,

- the shish kebab.
- Oh, Mork.

Or in the very elegant
restaurants, "shish ke-Robert."

Since the beginning, we
must have some more spices,

a little brandy there. Mm-mm-mm.

You can never have too
much of this on there, huh?

Yeah, now, wait a minute.

Is that supposed to be on fire?

Well, it's kind of academic,
Mind, because it is now.

- Looks kind of hot.
- Well, don't panic.

I know how to deal with
this. Don't panic at all. Fire!

Fire!

Mind, Mind.

Mind, Mind. Oh, don't
make a mess, hon.

There. Well...

- It's all right now.
- Yeah, it's all right.

Next time, you schlep
to Moroccan Town

and barter with the
man with one tooth going,

"You must buy this.
You must buy this."

Oh.

Oh. I'm sorry I ruined
our perfect evening, Mind.

I'm just tragedy's pawn.

I feel like an outer
space Eddie Fisher.

Oh, Mork, it was no tragedy.

Nobody was hurt.

You call burning up lamb
at $9 a pound no tragedy?

Believe me, there
are worse things in life.

I'm glad you feel
that way, Mindy,

because I think Fatima danced
out of here with our toaster oven.

Oh, Mork, I love
what you tried to do.

- But now the
fire's out, - Uh-huh.

- And Fatima's out, - Mm.

And we're alone.

Ah, you're right. We
don't need external stimuli.

We can make our
own chemistry, huh?

We'll have our own little Fourth
of July without the vandalism.

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Hm.

You know that something...

Oh, no, you go... Oh. Oh. Oh...

- Oh, no, go ahead.
- Oh, no, you. I insist.

Well, all right, I'll go.

You know, there's something
that's been bugging me

- ever since I landed on Earth.
- What?

You know that song
"This Old Man"?

When he hits 12, what's
he play knick-knack on?

You actually wonder
about things like that?

You know when you
get a song in your head...

Boing, boing, boing, boing.

- I don't know.
- Oh. Well, me too.

Yeah.

Catchy song, isn't it?

Oh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Ow, this is great!
- Great? We haven't said a word.

No, look, I found a
bicentennial quarter.

- That's wonderful, Mind.
- Oh, Mork, this is silly.

Look at us. We're as uncomfortable
as a pair of teenagers on a blind date.

We must have
something to talk about.

Well, what do you
want me to say, Mind?

Well, I don't know. Anything.
Ask me how work was.

All right, how was work?

Somebody parked in
my parking place today.

Boy, that's life in
the big city, huh?

Want me to ask
how your lunch was?

Oh, no. You're not supposed
to have to ask what to ask.

- We're having a conversation.
- Oh, no, Mind.

I mean, besides, I didn't know
I have to ask what I have to ask

when I don't know what I
wanna ask when I wanna ask it.

So now you're getting defensive?

I'm not getting defensive.
You're out of line.

Mork, what's wrong with a husband
and wife trying to have a conversation?

I mean, look, our lives
have been moving so fast.

We haven't had a chance
to talk about hardly anything.

- Like what?
- Well, like...

All right, for example, you've never
said whether you like being married or not.

- I do.
- Well, why?

- Well, lots of reasons.
- Well, give me one.

Well, all right.

- The bed's warmer.
- Oh, that's it.

Mind, if you wanted
snappy repartee,

you should have married
William F. Buckley.

"I find the institution of
marriage quite appealing."

I'm sorry, Mork. I love you.

Well, why?

Okay. Well,

because you're
warm and sensitive

and unpredictable.

And you're right,
the bed is warmer.

Now, don't you have something
you'd like to say to me?

- Yes.
- What?

You have a big piece of
couscous in your teeth.

Can't you be serious for a
minute? I just opened up to you.

- Can't you tell me how you feel?
- Oh, you already know that.

- I'd like to hear it.
- I'm sure you would.

Probably right now, maybe? Oh,
okay, just give me a micro-bleam here.

It's just a... Shelf!

- Shelf?
- That's it, Mind.

This old man, he plays 12

He hits knick-knack on my shelf

All right, that's it. Just forget it. I'm
sorry I brought the whole thing up.

Oh, who is not communicating
now, Miss Marshall McLuhan?

Well, what's the point in
communicating with someone

- who's got nothing to say?
- Oh, maybe I would

if I wasn't being interrogated
by the Boulder Gestapo.

- Gestapo?
- Yeah, and I haven't even started yet.

Well, you've got a lot of nerve
calling me names, space boy.

Oh, to the moon, Alice!

Well, I've got something
I'd like to say to you.

Shiksa!

Oh, if you think...

Oh, Mind?

I've cooled off now, hon.

I'm really cooled off now,
hon, because I'm locked out.

Honey?

Little pooterama?

Ha-ha-ha. Fun's fun, hon. The
bed's not gonna be as warm.

Be careful. There you go.
Come on, couple more steps.

Watch out there. There we go.

You look like you're
on What's My Line?

Come on. No,
no, that's all right.

Now, take one step up. Take a
step up. There we go, one step up.

Now, when you open your eyes,
you're not gonna be mad at me anymore.

Yeah? Well, we'd
better be in Paris.

Well, take one step forward,

two steps to the left, and you're
gonna be at the greatest place on earth,

next to Burt Reynolds' Dinner
Theatre in Jupiter, Florida.

- Where are we?
- Come on, Mind, what are you, blind?

Oh.

Sorry. Boy, Mind, how about
this for a blast from the past, huh?

Well, don't you know
where we are? Well, wait.

Okay, imagine there are no
walls here, the snow has melted,

and there are beer
cans over there

- shimmering in the full moon.
- Mork, where are we?

All right, I'll give you another hint.
Sounds like the place we first met.

- Here?
- No, no, here.

There was a rock that
says, "Chi-Chi Loves Lumpy."

- Oh, yeah. Oh, now I remember.
- Yeah.

You had your suit on backwards.

Yeah, I almost choked to
death trying to tie the tie.

- Ha-ha-ha. I thought you were a priest.
- Yeah.

I was just glad that your
mouth was on your face.

Oh, Mind, I feel a sudden flood of
emotions. I feel just like a salmon.

Oh...

Why don't you take a picture?
It lasts longer. Okay? Yo!

Yaddy-yaddy-yadda.

- Roofers. Heh.
- Yeah.

Mork, thanks for the sentimental
journey to the past, but let's go home.

Oh, no, we can't leave. I
mean, it's too important.

We don't wanna end up
like the League of Nations.

Mork, you can't honestly believe that
just by coming back to a place like this,

- it can change anything.
- Oh, yes, I do.

Knock it off, for crying out loud!
Show some decorum around here.

Shut up! I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, folks.

Please, I apologize.
Try to excuse the fellas.

It's just that they're not
romantics, you know, like myself.

Just last week, I, uh... I bought
my wife a cappuccino machine.

Oh, we didn't mean to barge
in. In fact, we were just leaving.

Oh, you're not the couple
that's buying this place?

- No.
- On her salary? Are you kidding?

Heh. Arg, arg.

Looky-loos, huh?

No, actually, this is the
place where we first met

when it was all
still wilderness.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- But we are just gonna be on our way.
- Leave? No!

You can't leave now and ruin
this beautiful warm moment.

No, no, no. I won't hear of it.

But we do have a little bit of
an insurance problem here.

Hey, Luke, give me a
couple of hard hats down here.

One for you, pal.

There we go. One for the lady.

Mam'selle, here you are. I
might say you look divine in green.

Come on now, tell me,
how did you two meet?

Oh, well, you know,
typical stuff, boy meets girl...

Come on, you can tell me.
We're like old friends now.

- No, I don't wanna. It's dumb.
- No, it's not, Mind.

Well, you see, she was out with
this creep and then he dumped her

- and he took off in her jeep.
- That's not true.

He... I happened to dump
him. He just took my jeep.

See, that's the part
where I came in.

I was sent to Earth to observe,

and my eggship landed,
well, about 40 feet over there.

Then I came out with my
suit on backwards and I said:

And then I met her and, you
know, then we started living together

and we recently got married and a
month ago my son was just hatched.

- Oh-ho-ho.
- That's nothing.

You wanna hear a real story?

I just wanna tell you
how I first met Mitzi.

All right? I was at
Petaluma, right?

You know, for the
arm-wrestling tournaments.

Turned around one day
and there she was, Mitzi.

Like a vision, like a Venus de
Milo in a Harley-Davidson T-shirt.

And she pinned that other
chick in five seconds flat.

Broke her wrist. Heh.

That's a beautiful story.

Sure beats the sap out of mine.

I gotta get back to work.

Listen, you kids stay
here as long as you want.

You understand? You
know, enjoy yourself.

Okay, bye.

I might just go two out
of three with Mitzi tonight.

She'll let me win. She always
does. She's crazy about me.

Well, who wouldn't be? Ha-ha-ha.

How could you tell a total
stranger where you're really from?

Oh, Mind, loose-lips moi.

I'm so muddled and
confused recently,

I feel like a Vietnamese child
adopted by a Southern family.

I know, I've been
feeling badly too.

I just can't seem to make
things get together for us, Mind.

I mean, what am I doing wrong?

I don't know, Mork.
If I did, I'd tell you.

You know how to do origami
and you don't know how to do this?

I wonder what makes it so hard.

Well, if you think about
it, it was never easy.

I mean, once you shrunk
to the size of a beer nut.

I've been cloned, and
on our wedding day,

Orson turned you into a dog.

We've been through almost
as much as Loretta Lynn

before her sweet 16 party.

If we can get through that,
why can't we get through this?

I don't know.

It seems like since
we've gotten married,

everything seems so
much more important.

- Even our failures.
- Oh, Mind, we're not failing.

I know what failure means.

I tried to argue with the phone
company about a bill once.

You ever been on hold for a day?

Well, I guess we can't
expect to know all the answers.

Just because we're married,
we think we're supposed to.

Yeah. When I thought we
were gonna be alone again,

boy, did I panic.

I know, but at least you tried.

I just pushed. I got
so uncomfortable.

I kept trying to make you
say things I wanted to hear.

- That isn't us.
- Yeah. But this is us, isn't it, huh?

Oh, Mork, we've got
so much going for us.

We don't need to have exotic
dinners or pull crazy stunts

to prove that we
love each other.

Yeah, I guess
you're right, Mind.

Eh. Ah.

Won't be needing these.

Oh, there we go.

Oh, Mork, I love you.

Oh, I love you too, Mind.
And now I finally can say why.

And you look great naked!

- Thank you.
- Oh, now, Mind,

you know, relating has its place,
but you know what's really nice?

Well, it's to sit
here, hold hands,

- watch the sun set over the wet bar.
- Heh-heh.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Come on, kiss her already.

It's almost Miller time!

Aw!