Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 4, Episode 11 - Pajama Game II - full transcript
Mearth has a sleepover.
Na-no, na-no.
Hi, I'm home.
He's your son! You go
up there and talk to him!
- What?
- You're gonna get it now!
Your mother's home!
Don't make a face like
that. It might freeze that way.
And take that out of your mouth.
You don't know where it's been.
Mork, what ever happened
to, "Hi, little pooter, big kiss"?
Oh, sure, think of
yourself. Think of yourself.
No one thinks about the
poor, little house-maker,
except for Richard Simmons.
Thighs, thighs, go away,
send them all to Doris Day.
What are you so
hysterical about?
Hysterical? Moi? Hm.
Your son is up there doing things
that would embarrass the Turkish police.
Now, you... You go upstairs
and you beat some sense into him.
Ugh. Oh! Oh!
My head. I can
hear snails crawl.
Mork, I can't come home
every day and be the villain.
You better take some
responsibility too.
When there's a
disciplinary problem,
you're gonna have to
learn how to handle it.
I guess you're right. I'll just
go talk some sense into him.
If he doesn't listen, I'll
take him to a filling station
and make him look
at the men's room.
And if that doesn't work, hell,
we could always buy him a pony
- and own his soul for life.
- See, Mork, there's the problem.
You can't bounce from one
extreme to the other like that.
Tell that to Eldridge Cleaver.
We're both new at parenthood,
but we can't fall apart
every time he misbehaves.
I mean, look, Mork, the key to
being a good parent is consistency.
Do you understand?
No.
I also don't know why they make
Häagen-Dazs ice cream in the Bronx.
Yo, you got some
carob? I want some carob.
Look, let's go upstairs and act like
two calm, responsible parents, okay?
We can handle this...
Bowling? I don't believe it.
Neither do I. That's
a really tough split.
Son.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,
Mommy, have I missed you.
Well, I missed you too,
sweetheart. MEARTH: Oh.
That's nice of you to say that.
Your room is a mess. - Mm.
You wanna tell me why you
were bowling in the house?
Yes, it happened to be league night
and all the lanes were spoken for.
Mr. Smarty Pants, you have an answer
for everything, don't you? Hm? Ha-ha.
How about this one?
If the speed of light is
186,000 miles per second
and the speed of a
slug is one inch an hour,
how long has Robert Conrad
had that battery on his shoulder?
What are you talking about? This
is no time for brain teasers, Mork.
Go over there and
reason with your son.
- Right, Mind.
- Consistency.
I remember that. Don't worry.
I've seen Ordinary People twice.
Saw Popeye once.
- Son?
- Yeah. Dad.
- It's a nice shirt.
- Mork.
Just warming him up.
Son, the real guts of the matter
is that, well, how would you feel
if you had any of your little friends
over here and they saw this pigsty?
Easy. This isn't West Point.
This is no white-glove inspection.
This is my lifestyle.
Wait a minute, you said
something though, however.
You said something about
having some friends over?
- That's what he said.
- Didn't he?
- Sure, and...
- How about even sleepover?
Well, Mearth, if you could prove to
us that you're a responsible young man
who takes a little pride in his
possessions, then maybe we'll see.
- Me too?
- No.
- You think about what we said. Okay.
- Sure will.
- Bye-bye, son.
- Bye, Dad.
You handled that
like a real father.
You did reason with him.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's talk about the bathroom,
the pantyhose jungle.
You know, I think...
Just wondering, I've got
to really clean this mess up
so I can have some friends over.
Okay, here goes.
- Morning, little pooter.
- Mm.
You sleep well?
Oh, yeah, till about 3,
when you took all the covers.
Well, actually I took them
about 1, but you didn't notice.
And your little bones
shaking helped me fall asleep.
Thank you.
Come here, I'll keep
you warm. There we go.
- Thanks.
- Come on. Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Oh...
Good morning, good morning
How we doing this morning?
Baby Mearth, your
model child, is here
Baby Mearth has fixed you
breakfast, Mommy and Daddy.
Yes, that's so nice.
I haven't had breakfast in
bed since I had my tonsils out.
Are you kidding? How about
this? Banana for the lady?
No, sweetheart, thanks.
You've just been a little
angel these last few days.
I sure try. I really
have. I have.
I've had something in mind too.
- Oh.
I want you to have the
breakfast right here on your lap.
- Okay.
- You put that right down there.
Am I out of line, by
any chance, in thinking
that perhaps a reward is due me?
Mind? Mind, be careful.
This is a setup for the pony.
No, no, not at all.
Not necessarily.
Remember, Mommy,
per our little lecture,
that I said if I cleaned up
my room and I was good,
and here I've served you
breakfast and everything,
that you might let me have
some of my friends over?
Oh, sure, sweetheart, you
can have some friends over.
Are you kidding? Well,
then, come on down, kids.
Well, Mommy and Daddy,
allow me to introduce my
classmates and schoolmates from Ork.
This is Zelka and this is Ovits.
- Na-no, na-no.
- Na-no.
- Na-no.
- Boy, this is really raznik.
Yeah, this is Earth, huh? Heh.
And I thought Pluto was tacky.
Those kids are amazing.
We turn our backs for one
second and they cloned the phone.
Look on the bright side though.
If we ever have a
telethon, we're prepared.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello. Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, hello. Hello. Hello.
- Hello. Hello.
Yes.
Yes, we have Prince Albert in a can
and we did let him out already. Ha-ha!
You're not gonna get
me twice in one day!
- What was that?
- Sounded like a loud noise.
- Oh, dear.
- Are you kids okay?
Ovits zapped George's head.
- What happened, Mearth?
- He zapped his head off.
Where's his head now?
Well, it's somewhere
over Denver.
- Ovits.
- Ovits, you're mean, mean, mean.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I'll tell you, Ovits, you are...
Shut up, you wimp! I'll get you.
- Okay, time-out.
Mork... Mearth.
I thought Orkans were
supposed to be non-violent.
Mearth, Ovits, I want you
two to make up right now,
or you're gonna spend the
rest of the day in the corner.
I don't wanna. I don't wanna.
- I don't wan...
- Ovits!
Okay. Okay. I am...
I am sorry I, uh... I
blew George's head off.
I was probably just
suffering from beam lag. Arg.
- I'm gonna tell you something...
- Mearth.
I was about to say it.
I want to tell you something, not
to you, Mommy, ever. But to you.
To you, you're
hateful, mean, nasty,
but, Ovits, you're fair.
Well, that's good. Now shake.
That's better.
Oh, too bad. It's
time to go home.
There's the beam.
Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. McConnell.
It has been a lovely visit.
Uh, you have a
lovely home. Mm...
- Goodbye.
- Y'all come back now, you hear?
- Na-no, na-no.
- Na-no.
- Zelka, you missed the beam.
- No, I didn't.
Mearth asked me to sleep over.
Come on, Mearth.
I wanna hear that new Olivia
Newton-John record again.
- Let's Get Physical?
- Yeah.
It makes me crazy.
Zelka can't spend
the night, can she?
Well, we gave our permission,
Mind. Remember, consistency.
I mean, come off it, Mind. I mean,
they're innocent, they're just kids.
Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.
This aging reverse thing is
just... It's hard to get the hang of.
I keep forgetting that in
their minds they're just babies.
Even though their bodies
are anatomically correct.
When you think about it, you know,
Mearth's just into snakes and snails
- and puppy dog tails.
- And Miss January.
Cowabunga, Buffalo Bob.
Oh-ho-ho. And look at
that, sitting on a tractor too.
Oh, Mork, see what I mean?
I mean, we never know
what he's gonna do next.
He's just growing up so fast.
But I'll tell you one thing, when boys
start reading magazines like these,
it's time for their father
to have a little talk
about the difference
between boys and girls.
We've already worked that out.
I mean, I've told him that
boys like to play sports
and girls like to wear makeup,
and if you're Alice
Cooper, you can do both.
Like I said, we need
to have a little talk.
Look, after Zelka leaves, the
three of us are gonna sit down
and have a discussion
about the birds and the bees.
Well, all right, Mind, but I
still say he's too young for this.
Mommy, let me ask you something.
Am I out of line in asking
you for a stethoscope?
Well, sweetheart, I
don't have a stethoscope.
Oh, guess I'll
have to use my ear.
My son, the doctor.
Mork, we're gonna have to keep
our eyes on those kids all night long.
We can't go upstairs
right now, Mind.
We have to scrub up first.
He might be in surgery.
Well, isn't this fun?
Camping out in the
living room all together?
Yeah, you get the
best of both worlds.
You get that great outdoor
feeling and that great indoor carpet.
What is happening here?
You tell me, what
is happening here?
I mean, all I wanted to do was
to take a hot bath with Zelka,
and suddenly, we're
the Wilderness Family.
Come on, kids, where's
your pioneer spirit?
Come on. We're sitting
around the old Sterno.
We can swap stories
and make stew,
or we can swap stew
and make stories,
or we can all get stewed.
Does anybody have a good
story they'd like to tell? Hm?
Well, I've got this great story
about the first time I baked raisin loaf.
Come on, Mind, that's a classic.
Arg, arg, arg, arg.
Oh, Mearth, I've got one.
I was at the Ork
Farm milking a fring
and this traveling
salesman came along
and asked me if I wanted to
see what was in his sample case.
Would anyone like a soft drink?
No, thank you.
So I said no and he went
away and I never saw him again.
- The end.
- Oh.
That's great, Zelka. That's more
plot than Kurt Vonnegut ever uses.
I think this is a perfect
time for my raisin loaf story.
Oh, not yet, Mind. You
don't want to peak too soon.
Arg, arg, arg. It'll slay you.
Well, come on now, kids.
Kids' game. Tell you what.
How about this?
Let's pretend we're not
even in the living room,
but we'll use our imaginations
and go to the deepest,
darkest jungle, you know? Now...
Larry, Aquarius.
Oh, now listen, look,
animals everywhere.
Now come on.
Boy, if we can just keep a couple
of these things for San Diego Zoo.
Come on now, son. Son,
you'll be the great white hunter.
Well, the reasonable
white hunter.
And I'll be... I'll be your
faithful gun-bearer, Peba.
I will cut a way
through the jungle.
All right. Oh, good.
Forget that.
Oh, careful of
the little feller.
Ah. You've done a magnificent job.
What...? I'm sorry, your name again.
- Ibusay.
- Ibusay.
Yes, you changed in Nairobi.
It's all right. Let's
move along here.
Do you have a gun of any
kind? I don't want that machete.
Whatever you want, boss.
We got a telescopic sight here.
And if you get real
close, we got a putter.
And if they get real close,
you won't see me around here.
Let's get on with the animals.
Look! One of them's charging
now. He doesn't even have credit.
Go ahead, go. Shoot the sucker!
Shoot the sucker! Shoot the sucker.
Get at it, get at it, get at it!
The animal has obviously got a
thorn in its paw. Give it a chance.
Good Lord.
Give me the small handgun.
Hold onto it. Look at it.
Sometimes if you
mock them, they hate it.
- Oh.
- There,
that's just right
for the living room.
- Carry on. Hear, hear.
- Look, a snake!
- Where?
- A snake coming, boss!
Oh, it's got you now!
It's got you now, boss!
Oh, you're up for it now.
Wait, I'll spin you out of it.
It's got me now!
It's got me now.
- Look what it did...
- Look! It's coming now. Cream him!
What do I do with this snake?
Make it a boa.
Somebody'll wear it.
Well, ha, all right.
Approach him gently.
Give me that bazooka.
- I'm not going to fool around.
- All right, there it is!
Here's the shell
coming in. Ready?
Yes. Gee...
Where's the bloody aspirin?
Well, boy, you hit me. I thought it
was a monkey had fallen on me.
Either that or just
a pregnant baboon.
Well, they're almost there!
It's an elephant on
Valium, so we got time.
All right, put a
shell in it, quickly.
- I'll put another one in.
- Put one in quickly.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, boy, has that
sucker got a kick.
Ooh, you done it now.
You've killed Marlin Perkins.
Morning. MORK: Oh.
- Yeah, Mind. Isn't this the life, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no noise, no smog,
no Underall commercials.
- No kids.
- Hm?
Where's Mearth and Zelka?
MEARTH & ZELKA
Let's get physical
- Physical, physical
- Physical, physical
- Let's get physical
- Let's get physical
- My body says talk - Talk
Mind, he's your son. Good luck.
- What were you kids doing up there?
- Sleeping.
We couldn't sleep in the living room
because there was so much noise.
Yeah, she's right.
You know, Mommy,
even though you have a little
bump of a nose, you snore loud.
Gee, Mearth, thanks for
not letting me sleep alone.
Well, maybe he was just
being a good host, Mind.
Oh, there's the beam, Zelka,
you have to go home now.
Oh, gee, gee, Mr. and
Mrs. McConnell,
thank you for
letting me stay over.
You have a great son!
I enjoyed him very much.
Boy, am I gonna miss you.
Ooh, am I gonna miss
you. See you back in school.
I get a chance to sleep
over at your house.
Na-no.
Boy, I gotta tell you
something, Mommy and Daddy,
they gotta really work
the kinks out of that beam.
I think we've postponed
having our little talk long enough.
Yeah, you're right. I guess
I'm in the batter's box right now.
- Mm-hm.
- Come along, son.
Surely.
Oh.
- Son?
- Yes.
Good training, remember it.
Son, ahem,
that's another nice
shirt you have there.
Strike one.
Mind, I think you're calling
them a little close, aren't you?
All right, son,
basically in this world,
there are two types of people,
let's just say male and female.
- Now, which is which?
- Oh, you learn that on the street.
And these male and female,
they fall in love, and they
register at Bloomingdale's,
then they get married, and they try to
marry up all their other single friends.
I don't know. I like the
raisin loaf story better.
- I think you left something out.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, sometimes they don't
register. They just ask for the cash.
I meant the part about how
the babies get to be babies.
I don't think he's
interested in that right now.
I am interested
in that right now.
All right, um, son, um... Ahem.
See, this, um... And this...
No. Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm.
Um... Son... Oh, boy.
You know, the only way I can
really do this is a mind probe.
Yeah, that's it. Well,
here we go, son. Hold on.
That's how babies are made.
That's how babies are
made? Wait a minute, Daddy.
What's that got to do with me?
Well, sweetheart, Zelka
said you didn't sleep alone.
- Did she say that?
- Mm-hm.
Well, she didn't
sleep alone exactly.
I gave her my teddy bear.
So she slept with
Teddy upstairs.
And as a matter of fact, I
slept downstairs in your bed.
Oh. MEARTH: You see?
And, incidentally,
about your story,
the time will come
when I'll understand it.
Now, it's time for me to go.
Sweetheart? MEARTH: Yes.
Um, if you don't
understand Daddy's story,
then why was that funny
magazine in your pocket? Heh.
- Remember?
- I remember. Of course I remember.
As a matter of fact, that
was in Mr. Bickley's garbage.
And, as a matter of fact, I
was gonna make some, uh,
paper airplanes out of it,
but I thought better about that.
- I dismissed it.
- Oh.
I think I'd better get going right
now, and I wanted to make the beds.
I really want to make
them real good, you know,
because next time around, I
want to stay over at Zelka's.
Oh. Sure did jump to
conclusions, didn't we?
Zelka slept with
his teddy. Oh...
Yeah. You know what
the really hard part is now?
What?
I have to go tell a teddy
bear the facts of life.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come
in, Cellulite Central. Arg.
- Ah, Mork.
- Sir.
Just in time to play
some Rack-Ork-Ball.
- Sir? ORSON: I
need to practice.
I'm playing in a celebrity
tournament on the planet Fuca.
Well, what about my report, sir?
You can give your
report while we play.
Sir. ORSON: Service!
Sir, this week my report is
about parenthood. Ha-ha-ha.
Again?
You know, Mork, I
could use a little variety.
Well, sir, how about a
little topspin on this one?
Lately, all you seem to talk
about is raising your son.
Well, sir, it's a very tough job
keeping the children of today from
becoming the children of tomorrow.
- Out.
- Sir?
I beg to differ with
you. I think that was in.
I said out.
Well, ha-ha-ha, who am I to question
one of your judgments? Ha-ha-ha.
He'd never get away
with this at Wimbledon.
Hi, I'm home.
He's your son! You go
up there and talk to him!
- What?
- You're gonna get it now!
Your mother's home!
Don't make a face like
that. It might freeze that way.
And take that out of your mouth.
You don't know where it's been.
Mork, what ever happened
to, "Hi, little pooter, big kiss"?
Oh, sure, think of
yourself. Think of yourself.
No one thinks about the
poor, little house-maker,
except for Richard Simmons.
Thighs, thighs, go away,
send them all to Doris Day.
What are you so
hysterical about?
Hysterical? Moi? Hm.
Your son is up there doing things
that would embarrass the Turkish police.
Now, you... You go upstairs
and you beat some sense into him.
Ugh. Oh! Oh!
My head. I can
hear snails crawl.
Mork, I can't come home
every day and be the villain.
You better take some
responsibility too.
When there's a
disciplinary problem,
you're gonna have to
learn how to handle it.
I guess you're right. I'll just
go talk some sense into him.
If he doesn't listen, I'll
take him to a filling station
and make him look
at the men's room.
And if that doesn't work, hell,
we could always buy him a pony
- and own his soul for life.
- See, Mork, there's the problem.
You can't bounce from one
extreme to the other like that.
Tell that to Eldridge Cleaver.
We're both new at parenthood,
but we can't fall apart
every time he misbehaves.
I mean, look, Mork, the key to
being a good parent is consistency.
Do you understand?
No.
I also don't know why they make
Häagen-Dazs ice cream in the Bronx.
Yo, you got some
carob? I want some carob.
Look, let's go upstairs and act like
two calm, responsible parents, okay?
We can handle this...
Bowling? I don't believe it.
Neither do I. That's
a really tough split.
Son.
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,
Mommy, have I missed you.
Well, I missed you too,
sweetheart. MEARTH: Oh.
That's nice of you to say that.
Your room is a mess. - Mm.
You wanna tell me why you
were bowling in the house?
Yes, it happened to be league night
and all the lanes were spoken for.
Mr. Smarty Pants, you have an answer
for everything, don't you? Hm? Ha-ha.
How about this one?
If the speed of light is
186,000 miles per second
and the speed of a
slug is one inch an hour,
how long has Robert Conrad
had that battery on his shoulder?
What are you talking about? This
is no time for brain teasers, Mork.
Go over there and
reason with your son.
- Right, Mind.
- Consistency.
I remember that. Don't worry.
I've seen Ordinary People twice.
Saw Popeye once.
- Son?
- Yeah. Dad.
- It's a nice shirt.
- Mork.
Just warming him up.
Son, the real guts of the matter
is that, well, how would you feel
if you had any of your little friends
over here and they saw this pigsty?
Easy. This isn't West Point.
This is no white-glove inspection.
This is my lifestyle.
Wait a minute, you said
something though, however.
You said something about
having some friends over?
- That's what he said.
- Didn't he?
- Sure, and...
- How about even sleepover?
Well, Mearth, if you could prove to
us that you're a responsible young man
who takes a little pride in his
possessions, then maybe we'll see.
- Me too?
- No.
- You think about what we said. Okay.
- Sure will.
- Bye-bye, son.
- Bye, Dad.
You handled that
like a real father.
You did reason with him.
- Oh, thank you.
Let's talk about the bathroom,
the pantyhose jungle.
You know, I think...
Just wondering, I've got
to really clean this mess up
so I can have some friends over.
Okay, here goes.
- Morning, little pooter.
- Mm.
You sleep well?
Oh, yeah, till about 3,
when you took all the covers.
Well, actually I took them
about 1, but you didn't notice.
And your little bones
shaking helped me fall asleep.
Thank you.
Come here, I'll keep
you warm. There we go.
- Thanks.
- Come on. Oh-ho-ho-ho.
Oh...
Good morning, good morning
How we doing this morning?
Baby Mearth, your
model child, is here
Baby Mearth has fixed you
breakfast, Mommy and Daddy.
Yes, that's so nice.
I haven't had breakfast in
bed since I had my tonsils out.
Are you kidding? How about
this? Banana for the lady?
No, sweetheart, thanks.
You've just been a little
angel these last few days.
I sure try. I really
have. I have.
I've had something in mind too.
- Oh.
I want you to have the
breakfast right here on your lap.
- Okay.
- You put that right down there.
Am I out of line, by
any chance, in thinking
that perhaps a reward is due me?
Mind? Mind, be careful.
This is a setup for the pony.
No, no, not at all.
Not necessarily.
Remember, Mommy,
per our little lecture,
that I said if I cleaned up
my room and I was good,
and here I've served you
breakfast and everything,
that you might let me have
some of my friends over?
Oh, sure, sweetheart, you
can have some friends over.
Are you kidding? Well,
then, come on down, kids.
Well, Mommy and Daddy,
allow me to introduce my
classmates and schoolmates from Ork.
This is Zelka and this is Ovits.
- Na-no, na-no.
- Na-no.
- Na-no.
- Boy, this is really raznik.
Yeah, this is Earth, huh? Heh.
And I thought Pluto was tacky.
Those kids are amazing.
We turn our backs for one
second and they cloned the phone.
Look on the bright side though.
If we ever have a
telethon, we're prepared.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello. Hello.
- Hello.
- Hello, hello. Hello. Hello.
- Hello. Hello.
Yes.
Yes, we have Prince Albert in a can
and we did let him out already. Ha-ha!
You're not gonna get
me twice in one day!
- What was that?
- Sounded like a loud noise.
- Oh, dear.
- Are you kids okay?
Ovits zapped George's head.
- What happened, Mearth?
- He zapped his head off.
Where's his head now?
Well, it's somewhere
over Denver.
- Ovits.
- Ovits, you're mean, mean, mean.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- I'll tell you, Ovits, you are...
Shut up, you wimp! I'll get you.
- Okay, time-out.
Mork... Mearth.
I thought Orkans were
supposed to be non-violent.
Mearth, Ovits, I want you
two to make up right now,
or you're gonna spend the
rest of the day in the corner.
I don't wanna. I don't wanna.
- I don't wan...
- Ovits!
Okay. Okay. I am...
I am sorry I, uh... I
blew George's head off.
I was probably just
suffering from beam lag. Arg.
- I'm gonna tell you something...
- Mearth.
I was about to say it.
I want to tell you something, not
to you, Mommy, ever. But to you.
To you, you're
hateful, mean, nasty,
but, Ovits, you're fair.
Well, that's good. Now shake.
That's better.
Oh, too bad. It's
time to go home.
There's the beam.
Goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. McConnell.
It has been a lovely visit.
Uh, you have a
lovely home. Mm...
- Goodbye.
- Y'all come back now, you hear?
- Na-no, na-no.
- Na-no.
- Zelka, you missed the beam.
- No, I didn't.
Mearth asked me to sleep over.
Come on, Mearth.
I wanna hear that new Olivia
Newton-John record again.
- Let's Get Physical?
- Yeah.
It makes me crazy.
Zelka can't spend
the night, can she?
Well, we gave our permission,
Mind. Remember, consistency.
I mean, come off it, Mind. I mean,
they're innocent, they're just kids.
Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.
This aging reverse thing is
just... It's hard to get the hang of.
I keep forgetting that in
their minds they're just babies.
Even though their bodies
are anatomically correct.
When you think about it, you know,
Mearth's just into snakes and snails
- and puppy dog tails.
- And Miss January.
Cowabunga, Buffalo Bob.
Oh-ho-ho. And look at
that, sitting on a tractor too.
Oh, Mork, see what I mean?
I mean, we never know
what he's gonna do next.
He's just growing up so fast.
But I'll tell you one thing, when boys
start reading magazines like these,
it's time for their father
to have a little talk
about the difference
between boys and girls.
We've already worked that out.
I mean, I've told him that
boys like to play sports
and girls like to wear makeup,
and if you're Alice
Cooper, you can do both.
Like I said, we need
to have a little talk.
Look, after Zelka leaves, the
three of us are gonna sit down
and have a discussion
about the birds and the bees.
Well, all right, Mind, but I
still say he's too young for this.
Mommy, let me ask you something.
Am I out of line in asking
you for a stethoscope?
Well, sweetheart, I
don't have a stethoscope.
Oh, guess I'll
have to use my ear.
My son, the doctor.
Mork, we're gonna have to keep
our eyes on those kids all night long.
We can't go upstairs
right now, Mind.
We have to scrub up first.
He might be in surgery.
Well, isn't this fun?
Camping out in the
living room all together?
Yeah, you get the
best of both worlds.
You get that great outdoor
feeling and that great indoor carpet.
What is happening here?
You tell me, what
is happening here?
I mean, all I wanted to do was
to take a hot bath with Zelka,
and suddenly, we're
the Wilderness Family.
Come on, kids, where's
your pioneer spirit?
Come on. We're sitting
around the old Sterno.
We can swap stories
and make stew,
or we can swap stew
and make stories,
or we can all get stewed.
Does anybody have a good
story they'd like to tell? Hm?
Well, I've got this great story
about the first time I baked raisin loaf.
Come on, Mind, that's a classic.
Arg, arg, arg, arg.
Oh, Mearth, I've got one.
I was at the Ork
Farm milking a fring
and this traveling
salesman came along
and asked me if I wanted to
see what was in his sample case.
Would anyone like a soft drink?
No, thank you.
So I said no and he went
away and I never saw him again.
- The end.
- Oh.
That's great, Zelka. That's more
plot than Kurt Vonnegut ever uses.
I think this is a perfect
time for my raisin loaf story.
Oh, not yet, Mind. You
don't want to peak too soon.
Arg, arg, arg. It'll slay you.
Well, come on now, kids.
Kids' game. Tell you what.
How about this?
Let's pretend we're not
even in the living room,
but we'll use our imaginations
and go to the deepest,
darkest jungle, you know? Now...
Larry, Aquarius.
Oh, now listen, look,
animals everywhere.
Now come on.
Boy, if we can just keep a couple
of these things for San Diego Zoo.
Come on now, son. Son,
you'll be the great white hunter.
Well, the reasonable
white hunter.
And I'll be... I'll be your
faithful gun-bearer, Peba.
I will cut a way
through the jungle.
All right. Oh, good.
Forget that.
Oh, careful of
the little feller.
Ah. You've done a magnificent job.
What...? I'm sorry, your name again.
- Ibusay.
- Ibusay.
Yes, you changed in Nairobi.
It's all right. Let's
move along here.
Do you have a gun of any
kind? I don't want that machete.
Whatever you want, boss.
We got a telescopic sight here.
And if you get real
close, we got a putter.
And if they get real close,
you won't see me around here.
Let's get on with the animals.
Look! One of them's charging
now. He doesn't even have credit.
Go ahead, go. Shoot the sucker!
Shoot the sucker! Shoot the sucker.
Get at it, get at it, get at it!
The animal has obviously got a
thorn in its paw. Give it a chance.
Good Lord.
Give me the small handgun.
Hold onto it. Look at it.
Sometimes if you
mock them, they hate it.
- Oh.
- There,
that's just right
for the living room.
- Carry on. Hear, hear.
- Look, a snake!
- Where?
- A snake coming, boss!
Oh, it's got you now!
It's got you now, boss!
Oh, you're up for it now.
Wait, I'll spin you out of it.
It's got me now!
It's got me now.
- Look what it did...
- Look! It's coming now. Cream him!
What do I do with this snake?
Make it a boa.
Somebody'll wear it.
Well, ha, all right.
Approach him gently.
Give me that bazooka.
- I'm not going to fool around.
- All right, there it is!
Here's the shell
coming in. Ready?
Yes. Gee...
Where's the bloody aspirin?
Well, boy, you hit me. I thought it
was a monkey had fallen on me.
Either that or just
a pregnant baboon.
Well, they're almost there!
It's an elephant on
Valium, so we got time.
All right, put a
shell in it, quickly.
- I'll put another one in.
- Put one in quickly.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, boy, has that
sucker got a kick.
Ooh, you done it now.
You've killed Marlin Perkins.
Morning. MORK: Oh.
- Yeah, Mind. Isn't this the life, huh?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, no noise, no smog,
no Underall commercials.
- No kids.
- Hm?
Where's Mearth and Zelka?
MEARTH & ZELKA
Let's get physical
- Physical, physical
- Physical, physical
- Let's get physical
- Let's get physical
- My body says talk - Talk
Mind, he's your son. Good luck.
- What were you kids doing up there?
- Sleeping.
We couldn't sleep in the living room
because there was so much noise.
Yeah, she's right.
You know, Mommy,
even though you have a little
bump of a nose, you snore loud.
Gee, Mearth, thanks for
not letting me sleep alone.
Well, maybe he was just
being a good host, Mind.
Oh, there's the beam, Zelka,
you have to go home now.
Oh, gee, gee, Mr. and
Mrs. McConnell,
thank you for
letting me stay over.
You have a great son!
I enjoyed him very much.
Boy, am I gonna miss you.
Ooh, am I gonna miss
you. See you back in school.
I get a chance to sleep
over at your house.
Na-no.
Boy, I gotta tell you
something, Mommy and Daddy,
they gotta really work
the kinks out of that beam.
I think we've postponed
having our little talk long enough.
Yeah, you're right. I guess
I'm in the batter's box right now.
- Mm-hm.
- Come along, son.
Surely.
Oh.
- Son?
- Yes.
Good training, remember it.
Son, ahem,
that's another nice
shirt you have there.
Strike one.
Mind, I think you're calling
them a little close, aren't you?
All right, son,
basically in this world,
there are two types of people,
let's just say male and female.
- Now, which is which?
- Oh, you learn that on the street.
And these male and female,
they fall in love, and they
register at Bloomingdale's,
then they get married, and they try to
marry up all their other single friends.
I don't know. I like the
raisin loaf story better.
- I think you left something out.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, sometimes they don't
register. They just ask for the cash.
I meant the part about how
the babies get to be babies.
I don't think he's
interested in that right now.
I am interested
in that right now.
All right, um, son, um... Ahem.
See, this, um... And this...
No. Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm.
Um... Son... Oh, boy.
You know, the only way I can
really do this is a mind probe.
Yeah, that's it. Well,
here we go, son. Hold on.
That's how babies are made.
That's how babies are
made? Wait a minute, Daddy.
What's that got to do with me?
Well, sweetheart, Zelka
said you didn't sleep alone.
- Did she say that?
- Mm-hm.
Well, she didn't
sleep alone exactly.
I gave her my teddy bear.
So she slept with
Teddy upstairs.
And as a matter of fact, I
slept downstairs in your bed.
Oh. MEARTH: You see?
And, incidentally,
about your story,
the time will come
when I'll understand it.
Now, it's time for me to go.
Sweetheart? MEARTH: Yes.
Um, if you don't
understand Daddy's story,
then why was that funny
magazine in your pocket? Heh.
- Remember?
- I remember. Of course I remember.
As a matter of fact, that
was in Mr. Bickley's garbage.
And, as a matter of fact, I
was gonna make some, uh,
paper airplanes out of it,
but I thought better about that.
- I dismissed it.
- Oh.
I think I'd better get going right
now, and I wanted to make the beds.
I really want to make
them real good, you know,
because next time around, I
want to stay over at Zelka's.
Oh. Sure did jump to
conclusions, didn't we?
Zelka slept with
his teddy. Oh...
Yeah. You know what
the really hard part is now?
What?
I have to go tell a teddy
bear the facts of life.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson. Come
in, Cellulite Central. Arg.
- Ah, Mork.
- Sir.
Just in time to play
some Rack-Ork-Ball.
- Sir? ORSON: I
need to practice.
I'm playing in a celebrity
tournament on the planet Fuca.
Well, what about my report, sir?
You can give your
report while we play.
Sir. ORSON: Service!
Sir, this week my report is
about parenthood. Ha-ha-ha.
Again?
You know, Mork, I
could use a little variety.
Well, sir, how about a
little topspin on this one?
Lately, all you seem to talk
about is raising your son.
Well, sir, it's a very tough job
keeping the children of today from
becoming the children of tomorrow.
- Out.
- Sir?
I beg to differ with
you. I think that was in.
I said out.
Well, ha-ha-ha, who am I to question
one of your judgments? Ha-ha-ha.
He'd never get away
with this at Wimbledon.