Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 9 - Alas, Poor Mork, We Knew Him Well - full transcript

Na-no, Na-no.

Ta-dum.

Finally, the crew of the
Calypso and myself...

These boys have been
at sea for a long time.

We're finally looking
for the great white

in dangerous waters.

They say this is the black
hole, the deep trench.

We don't know why we are here,
but they pay us. We go anyway.

It is a very dangerous search,

so I send Falco
down, my assistant.

No, please, Jacques! No!



Quiet, Falco.

When you have your own
specials, you can give me stuff.

But, please, No! No, please!

No, must not go down.

Yes, you must go down there now.

No, please!

What do you see
down there, Falco?

What does it look like?

What'd you say?

I can't hear you.

You have your hand
over your mouth.

Oh. All right, now, Falco.

We are sending
down the dive sucker

to help you with your
search. Hold on, there!



Ee-ah, ee-ah, ee-ah, ee-ah. Ha!

At last! We have found
him! Erik Estrada's stand-in!

Yes!

There you are, the
great Jaws himself.

Heh-heh.

Oop. I'll get it. No,
you want to get it?

Shh! It's all right? Good.

Ooh. Shh.

Howdy, howdy, howdy, friend,

and hey, how ya doin'?

Ernest Travers is my
name. Insurance is my game.

Oh. Good hands.

Where's your fire hat
and your old moose?

My name is Mork.

Well, Mr. Mork, let me
tell you somethin', buddy.

Today... Today,
Mr. Mork, is your lucky day.

Oh, really? Do you
wanna know why?

Oh, por qué?

Is David Brenner not
hosting the Tonight Show?

Even better, buddy.

We are talkin' about protection.

Oh, I know about protection.

Yo, Mr. Mork, eh, you
have a choice here.

You can either learn
to dance or talk slowly.

You can get... You can get

$100... I said $100 a day,

and all you got to do
is get seriously injured.

Oh, uh. Why, do you realize

that one out of four people
get hospitalized every year?

Huh, w-what is this? Some
kind of setup for a sick joke?

No. no, no, no.

Friend, it's perfectly true.

Why, seven people
have gotten sick

just as I've been
talkin' to you.

Oh, really? Oh, no. Mm-hmm.

Oh, we should be
talking in sign language.

Oh. Sir.

And that's not all. Oh, no.

Why, there are over 4
million automobile accidents

every year, not
to mention fires,

and earthquakes
and twisters. Oh, no!

A big ol' twister of '47

screwed my granny
right into the ground!

Oh, no! Mondo Irwin Allen!

But, son, you will be
protected with our coverage

for just a few measly
pennies a day.

Oh, who cares? Where do I sign?

Where do I sign?
Right here, buddy.

Oh, thank you! Right there.

Right there. Mm-hmm.

Hi.

Oh, Mind. Mind. Mind!

Oh. Mind.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You wanna sign here, buddy?

Uh, who's your friend?

Howdy, ma'am.
Honest Ernest Travers,

Pikes Peak Calamity and
Auto. Nice to meet you.

Do you wanna sign here?

O-Oh, sure. Mork,

you never sign anything
before you read it.

Come on, Mind. I
might go belly up

between the "o"
and the "r." Let's go.

Mork, I really don't think
you can afford insurance.

Sure I can. It only costs
a few measly pennies.

You know, the ones with
President Measly on them.

How many measly pennies?

Now, madam, you
cannot put a price tag

on coverage like this.

How much?

Ooh, about $300 a
month, but he's protected

from any disaster. Do you
please want to sign this thing?

Mind, I've got to have this in
case Meat Loaf falls on me.

I don't want to end up
as a Hamburger Helper.

Trust me, trust me, friend.

Now, your health and
welfare is our only concern.

He doesn't have any money.

Thank you very much and goodbye!

Wait a minute, now.
You can't just leave

after scaring the
bie-jeebies out of me.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, bye, bye.
Mind, he said "bye."

Mind, I don't think...

White man come, take Bic.

Mind... Mind, I
needed that protection.

Why wouldn't you let me get it?

Aw, Mork. On Earth,

some salesmen
aren't always ethical.

Besides, it sounds like
he was using scare tactics

to talk you into something
that you don't need.

Well, they worked.
There might be something

awful lurking outside the door.

Oh, Mork. There's nothing
lurking outside the door

that wasn't there last night.

You're not sure, hm? Behind you!

Ha-ha. You
didn't fall for it, eh?

No. Come on, let's make
the checklist for the trip.

You're gonna love
Yellowstone this time of year.

It's so pretty.

Yeah. Especially this time...

This time of year is
winter, isn't it, Mind?

I mean, don't people freeze
their clorns off in winter?

Oh, we're going to be
staying in a nice, warm lodge.

Oh, that's better, yeah.

Nice warm... Well, couldn't
a lodge get real warm

if it burned down, Mind?

It's not gonna burn down.

Oh, yeah? What
happens if some big,

butch Boy Scout rubs
two rooms together?

Mork, we've been planning
this trip for weeks now.

You don't want to disappoint
Nelson and Glenda, do you?

Maybe.

That salesman made you paranoid.

No, why do you
say that, Min? Hm?

Well, Mork. If you
think about it logically,

what could possibly
happen to you? Come on.

Yeah, you're right.
Be logical, Mind, I...

Wait a minute, Mind.

You know how kind of
cute and cuddly I am?

What if one of those
big grizzly bears

decides to take a
little Morky doll to bed?

I mean, they sleep
all winter, Mind.

What happens if it comes spring?

I don't want to wake
up as Smokey's fiancé.

Hey, Mr. Bickley, where's Mork?

I got your lunch.

Oh, he's calling
the weather service

in Yokohama.

He wanted to see if a tidal
wave was headed for Boulder.

A tidal wave in Boulder.
Wow, that's great.

Listen, what is Mork so
anxious about anyway?

Modern living.

Mork. Mork. Are you all right?

I mean, compared to your
normal level of strangeness?

I don't know. The
day's but a fetus.

I almost met Mr. Reaper,
and it was really grim.

What happened?

Well, I was outside
making a phone call,

and a block away, a van
swerved and hit a wall.

What does that
have to do with you?

Well, a month ago, I was
at that exact same spot.

If it wasn't for December,

I'd be decomposing
right now, just like Mozart.

Fine. Fine.

You understand,
don't you? Oh, sure.

Ha-ha. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Wait... Oh, oh. It's everywhere.

Shh, shh! I'm okay.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I feel safe here.
I do, I really do.

I don't know why.

It's getting so we're
not safe anywhere.

Look how we're
polluting the air.

A guy I know last
year shot a duck,

and it took it three
days to hit the ground.

That poor dog slipped a disk

waiting for that sucker to fall.

Well, I better stop breathing.

Then you might as
well stop eating too.

Why? What's wrong with the food?

Well, there's always
some health fadist

claiming food has stuff
in it that's dangerous.

Oh, no.

No wonder they say a
prayer before every meal.

Why, even this
plate could be coated

with toxic, lead-based paint.

Wait a minute.
Everybody! Hit the deck!

This plate's about
to go off! Watch out!

Fiesta at 12:00!

Hey! That plate cost me 5 pesos.

Oh, pardon. Mi culpa. Mi culpa.

Of course, we're civilized men!

Besides, there's
no place to hide.

The world as we know
it is coming to an end.

And me without a chick.

Exidor!

Mork! Is that you?

Ahh! A minute.

Boys, while we chat,
go loot the bathroom.

Exidor, did you say the
world was coming to an end?

No, I said that.

Proof. I was just
struck by this meteor

from the Melmac galaxy.

Do you believe this guy?

Well, I've seen chameleons
with a better grasp on reality.

The cynics will be
fossils in two hours.

The world will be over at 4:00,

3:00 Central Time.

I'm gonna miss
you, you big loon.

Oh, Mork, you're my dearest
three-dimensional friend.

Let's do something

that'll make this
moment last an eternity.

Well, forget an eternity. What
about the next ten seconds?

Well, we could say,
"adiós, compadre."

I've got everything
we need right here.

Mork, don't you think
you're a little over-prepared

for a simple trip
to Yellowstone?

What trip? I'm staying here.

You're staying here?
Then what's all that stuff for?

I prepared for every
calamity imaginable.

Look at this, I
have a snakebite kit.

I have shark repellent.
Ooh! Ick, ick, ick!

The foghorn,
mosquito nets. Mork...

Your highway flares...

Don't stop me now,
Mind. I'm on a roll.

I've got a penlight in case
we fall into a black hole.

Watch out there! Whoa!
Hello! Help me now!

And some handy wipes

in case we get attacked
by a flock of fried chicken.

There's almost no chance
we're gonna fall into a black hole,

and a fifty-fifty chance we're
gonna be attacked by chicken.

Oh, well, I prepared for
the regular calamities, too.

Your famine, your
pestilence, your fire.

You forgot the
ever-popular flood.

You thought you had me there,
didn't you, Princess Hokum?

No way. Ha-ha-ha.

I prepared for that,
too. Watch this.

Ooh!

It's Mork-o's Noah's Ark. Ha-ha!

I have good animals
outside. Two-by-two.

They're all auditioning.
Bringing little 5-by-4s.

Hello, my name is
Carl. I'm a squirrel.

This is my wife, Lola.

See, I'm gonna ignore all this.

I'm gonna go to the store
and buy some hiking boots.

And you are coming
with me on that trip.

Why?

Well, you've overlooked
one vital statistic.

The statistics say that
more accidents occur

in the home than any place else.

So think how much
safer you'll be with me

in Yellowstone.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha.

I'm not safe out there.
I'm not safe in here.

I'm not safe anywhere.

I want my test tube.

Mork, I got the hiking boots.

What are the lights out for?

I couldn't reach
the switch, Mind.

What do you mean you
couldn't reach the switch?

What in the world is that?

It's a survival condo, Mind.

I finally found a place where
I'm safe. I'm never coming out.

This is ridiculous.

No, Mind. It's a
hermetically sealed,

germ-free, antiseptic
life-support unit.

It's kind of like a
womb with a view.

How do you like it, Mind?

I got the plans from
Better Homes and Shelters.

Isn't it wonderful?

I mean, you can go on
with your life as usual,

just don't peek in here
when I'm in my undies.

Mork, where would you
ever get a crazy idea like this?

It's not crazy, Min.

We used this on Ork during
the famous swine flu epidemic.

It kept pigs from
bouncing on us.

Now you know why
their noses are so flat.

Well, you can't
stay in here forever.

Oh, por qué, Min. Por qué?

This is... This is
wonderful in here.

At last, I've finally found
a place where I'm safe.

Nothing can harm me. It
gives me 24 hour protection.

Doesn't even stain my clothes.

So you're gonna just
withdraw from the world?

You've got it.

You're gonna hide
in your little shell,

trembling at anything that
could possibly hurt you.

Oh, all right, I'll tell you
where you can get one.

Mork, you're gonna have
to come out sooner or later.

No, I don't, Mind. I've got
enough provisions in here

for nine or ten bleams.

Look at this here.
I've got canned water.

Isn't that incredible?
Canned water.

Open it up, there's
water inside.

Hey, tell you what.
There's room in here for two.

Come on, Mindy.
You'll be finally safe.

But I'm out here
and I'm all right!

Everybody's exposed to
those things you're afraid of.

Aw, we'll see who's
laughing 100 years from now.

When everybody else is going,

"Help me!"

I'll be going,
"Ha-ha! I'm young."

Don't you see what's
happening to you?

Yes. I'm protected.
You're paranoid.

I'm invulnerable.
You're untouchable.

I'm safe. You're alone.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid too, Mork.

I'm afraid for you.

Oh. We've still got
each other, huh?

I guess something's finally
come between us, huh?

Big kiss.

You guys still planning on
going to Yellowstone tomorrow?

Yeah, tomorrow. Heh.

That's why I bought this jacket.

With my complexion,
I don't want anybody

to confuse me with a snowman.

It's gotta hurt when they
jam that carrot in your face.

Oh, boy. I really wish I
was going with you guys.

Can't get off work.
And besides that,

I gotta study for
my anatomy class.

Aw. Oh, speaking of anatomy.

Mindy says I shouldn't
bring my bikini.

Now, what do you think?

Wear it, Glenda, please.

Bikinis are very big this
time of year in Yellowstone.

Nelson Flavor, you're a sexist.

Thank you.

Are you really gonna go to
Yellowstone with this guy?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Are you two guys becoming
an item here, or what, huh?

Yes. No.

No.

Jeanie, the freezer
motor is busted again.

Could you please fix it?

And hurry. The clams
are starting to open.

A woman's work is never done.

I was just kidding
about the bikini.

I wouldn't want
you to catch a cold.

A one piece would be fine.

Hi, guys. BOTH: Hi, Mindy.

Did Mork change his
mind about the trip,

or is he still holed
up in his humidor?

Yes. Oh!

The last part.

I don't think he's
ever coming out.

He just sits in there
sipping his tang.

It is a little strange.

If I were you, I'd look
upon him as a big guppy

and just be grateful you
don't have to clean that tank.

Oh, you guys. I feel like
we're already spoiling the trip.

You already have.

Nelson! NELSON: Wrecked.

No, really. Maybe you
should make plans without us.

Oh, come on. We
haven't given up yet.

I mean, we're bound
to think of something.

I'm telling you,
I've tried everything.

I've begged, I've pleaded.
I've even tried using logic.

Now logic, that'll never work.

Mindy, you know,

maybe you're paying
too much attention to him.

Yeah.

Yeah, if he wants isolation,
I'll give him isolation.

We'll all give him isolation.

I got a great idea.

Do you guys think you can
come over my house around 8:00?

I think we just might
be able find a way

to get Mork out
of that glass box.

We'll just fight
bizarre with bizarre.

And if that doesn't work,

we'll get Ella Fitzgerald to
come over and hit a high note.

Expecting company,
Mind? I'll get it.

Ow!

Oh, it's so clean, I
didn't know it was there.

Hi!

Come on in.

Oh. Glenda. Ha-ha. Nelson.

If I knew you were coming, I
would have squeegeed my face.

Well, what a great idea, Mindy.

A going-away party for Mork.

Oh, a party for me? I
hope there's a pony ride.

Well, actually, Nelson,
it's a gone-away party.

Gone, yes, but not forgotten.

Too bad Mork had to go.

He was so much
fun at parties. Ah.

Hey, wait a minute, I'm still
here. I'm still fun at parties.

Watch! Watch this!
Hey. Watch this.

Well, let's get
this party started.

Oh, party down!

Why don't you
have a little punch?

I'll get it.

Ow! Shazbot! I did it again.

Hi, Mindy. Sorry I'm late.

I was gonna bring
some forget-me-nots,

but I got a break on this.

The fellow it was
for pulled through.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm sure Mork would
have appreciated it.

Oh, thanks, but I'm
still here. I really am.

I'm here. Yo!

You know, it's so
quiet here without him.

Yeah, well, it took
some getting used to,

but life does go on.

Yeah.

Punch, anybody?

Oh. Oh.

Mr. Bickley?

Nice idea. Thank you.

Good old Mork.

I'm sure gonna
miss that little tyke.

Sure, he was strange,

but that...

That was his charm.

I'm gonna miss his laugh.

That certain "ar-ar."

I'm gonna miss the way
he wore his suspenders,

the way he wore his
hat. Oh. What hat?

The way he sang off-key.

That's it. That's it.

The memory of all that...

No, no, they can't
take that away from me.

Cheers.

Oh, wait.

If Rod Serling
walks in this door,

I'm gonna hatch a
brick, I know I am.

You know, I didn't know him

as long as the rest of you did,

but I have one real regret.

I just wish he wouldn't
have gone away

before I found out
what shazbot meant.

Oh, if you just talk to me,

I'll tell you what
shazbot means.

I'll even tell you
what clorns are.

Mr. Bickley,

didn't you have something
you wanted to say?

Funny you should mention it.

Just happen to
have a little gem here

from Mork's favorite
greeting card writer:

Me.

"An Ode to Mork."

To my friend I say
bon voyage Oh.

I can offer But
this verbal corsage

I loved his eyes
I loved his nose

But now I hope I get his clothes

Oh, that was so wonderful,
I'm beginning to miss myself.

But, oh... Wait a
minute. I'm still here.

Come on, Mind, joke's
over. Ar-ar! Come on.

There's something
I'd like to say.

The Mork we all knew and loved

is no longer with us.

Oh, he was so full of life.

I remember one time

when I asked him to
change a 100-watt bulb.

He ran to the corner

and brought back
two 25s and a 50.

He used to spend hours

trying to teach a
tub of margarine

how to say, "butter."

He was the only guy I knew

who would really give you
a penny for your thoughts.

Oh, he was so special.

Oh, Mind.

Wait a minute.

Mind, I'm still alive!
I'm alive! I'm right here!

Are you, Mork?

People who are alive

don't shut themselves
off from the world.

You're not protecting
yourself from harm.

You're... You're
closing yourself off

from everything that
makes life worth living.

I'm gonna miss
you, Mork. Goodbye.

Oh, I already miss you.

I don't want to give up on life.

Yeah.

I wanna live again.

Weeeee-oww!

Oh! Hey, hey!

Oh, what are we waiting for?

How about that
trip to Yellowstone?

Ye-es, ye-es! Ye-es, ye-es!

Don't forget to bring
your tennis racket.

We'll have something
to do in the car.

Now, that's the Mork I know
and vaguely understand.

Ohh. Tsst!

My boy!

Oh, Bick, I'm sorry
about the clothes.

Oh, that's okay.
They weren't for me.

I was gonna cut
them down for my dog.

Bye-bye!

Goodbye, Mindy.

Good to have you back.

You two keep it quiet up here.

See?

Oh.

Oh, nice. Oh.

Oh, that feels better

than any security
in the whole world.

Oh. I just want you to
remember one thing, Mork.

No matter how weird life gets,

you just gotta keep on living.

I mean, look at
your alternative.

Yeah, this place is
a nice place to visit,

but I wouldn't want to
live here... without you.

Oh.

Oh, Mind. No kissing.

Say "no, no" to Mr. Mono. Oh.

Oh, you're right, Mind. What
the heck? Come on, now.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, O
butterball in the sky.

Mork! What are you two doing?

Oh, we're celebrating life, sir.

You might say we're
tripping the life fantastic.

I didn't think life on Earth
was all that pleasant, Mork.

Well, sir, it's got its share
of dangers, but many of them

are blown out of
proportion, not unlike you, sir.

Just get to the point.

Yes, sir. Well the point
is, sir, that many Earthlings

can prove any point
they want using statistics.

You see, many newspapers talk
about how many people have died,

but they never say how
many people have lived.

I could even prove
that you are not fat

using the right statistics.

I am not fat.

Come on, sir, you're so large,
you have your own climate.

I'll ignore that,
Mork. Yes, sir.

Are you telling me that people
should be totally oblivious

to the dangers surrounding them?

Well, no, sir. But if that's
all they're looking for,

that's all they're gonna see.

Unfortunately, most
Earthlings spend their whole life

worrying about...
their whole life.

And I'll never forget the
lesson I learned this week, sir,

from my Earthling friends.

They taught me that the
greatest gift is the gift of life,

and the greatest sin
is to return it unopened.

Until next week, sir, I've
got a lot of unwrapping to do.

Na-no, na-no.