Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 10 - Mork and the Bum Rap - full transcript
Mork becomes a bum in order to help Mindy open a children's hospital.
You were great last night, Dad.
That benefit concert
was really terrific.
Yeah, and the reviews
aren't too bad either. Here, look.
There's even a picture of me
conducting the orchestra.
Yeah, that's a wonderful likeness
of the back of your head.
Boy,
you certainly are in a jolly mood.
Yeah, well, why not?
One critic called me
the Bald Bernstein of Boulder.
On top of that,
we raised over $30,000
for the new
Boulder Children's Hospital.
Well, I wish I was doing that well.
I promised
to raise a thousand dollars,
but looking for this new job
has just taken up all my time.
Yeah, well, you can always rent
Mork out to a research laboratory.
I'm really gonna have to buckle down
this next couple of days
to raise the money I pledged.
Maybe I'll dress up as a Girl Scout
and go door to door.
Well, it worked when I was 12.
What are you doing?
I think I was sleep-jogging
and I locked myself out.
- How did you do that?
- I don't know, I guess kind of like this:
Ready, set, dream.
Idiot delight.
- Door-ja vu.
- Door-ja vu.
Oh, no, it's Boulder Pops.
Oh, what a wonderful evening.
That was incredible.
I mean, Beverly Sills and everything.
Couldn't you tell it was me in the back
going, "Whoa, get down, mama"?
Well, you know,
sometimes I can really be irrepressible.
I don't know why.
Oh, look, it guessed my weight.
Well, I really should be going.
I've gotta show my picture
to the rest of Boulder.
And I'll keep making phone calls
for donations.
I haven't even raised enough money
to pay my phone bill.
Oh, don't worry, honey,
you'll raise the money somehow.
Well, I hope so.
I'll have to disguise
the back of my head
so I can slip by the groupies.
- Mind, Mind, Mind.
- Oh, what?
Why didn't you tell me
that you needed money?
You can have anything I own, except
for my lips because those are rented.
That's sweet,
but the money's not for me.
It's for the new children's hospital.
Mind, you mean, you can get money
just by asking for it?
Some people donate money to others
if they think the cause is worthy.
Oh, like ABSCAM.
Senator, do you really believe
that you took this as a loan?
No,
I just thought it was a Christmas gift.
No, not quite.
See, it's called charity.
People raise money
in different ways,
and then they donate it to people
who they feel are in need.
Remember the telethon
we saw the other night?
That was wonderful,
especially when Monty Hall sang:
Bess, you is my woman now
Yes.
Well, people were donating money
to that charity.
Oh, Mind.
I'll never understand you Earthlings.
Sometimes the lights are on
and nobody's home,
you know what I'm saying?
You've got one wheel in the sand.
We Orkans ask for money,
boy, oh, we're...
Right away,
right in the institution
in a little rubber room going:
I'm okay.
Well, caring people here
like to help others.
Oh, Mind, I care and I wanna help.
Boy, I wish you could, Mork.
I've gotta have those donations in
by Friday.
As a matter of fact,
I've gotta start making phone calls.
It shouldn't take that long because you
won't have to raise that much money.
You're building a children's hospital.
It only has to be about this high.
Welcome to Morkathon
for Mindy's kids. Come on, now.
I'll stay on here until you give, give,
give. Come on now, little Tommy.
Why am I here?
What are you doing to me?
No, let's go, let's go now,
here we go.
I'd like to bring you my first guest
right now. But first: Hi, hi, hi.
Don't be afraid of me.
You know, look, these kids...
Can I say one thing?
Here's my first guest.
Let's bring out a wonderful group.
But first, I'm gonna say,
how much have we raised?
Diddly. Okay, let's keep going.
Let's bring on another wonderful act.
The famous Bibbleenees.
Thank you, thank you,
it's so nice to be here.
I want now to do
the famous midget juggling.
Thank you very much.
And now, please...
No, please, don't, no. Let go.
Hey, hey, no. Hey, no. Hey.
What? No, don't touch me there.
Don't grab me in…
Hey, my arms. No, no, no.
Thank you, thank...
We'll be having a telethon for them
in just about an hour, so don't worry.
Let's keep going right now.
I wanna thank all of you, but first...
A little heart and soul here.
Let's bring them out right now.
These kids, bring them out.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
We are the Confusions.
We can dance better
than we can sing.
I'd like to introduce the band.
First of all, Larry, proud Aquarius.
Tom, moon in Encino,
I don't know why.
Billy Bob, I don't know what the hell.
My agent got me this job.
That's it, I'd like to thank all
these young people here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'll be coming around now.
We'll collect money.
- Thank you.
- How about that, huh?
Isn't he terrific,
ladies and gentlemen?
Mork, what are you doing?
I'm doing a telethon
to raise money for Mindy's kids.
Oh, that's real nice.
You're scaring away my customers.
If you keep this up, Mindy's gonna be
raising money for me.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Here.
I'll turn in my tie.
I…
Excuse me, sir,
do you mind if I mope here
or is this a no-moping section?
No, kid, sure, sit down.
Sit down.
Hey, you know something?
You got a great approach there, kid.
But you sure got a lot to learn
about fund-raising.
You know how to raise money?
Oh, I'm a professional
from back East.
I raise money every day of my life.
You do? How?
- Give me a quarter and I'll show you.
- Oh, sure.
See? I just raised a quarter.
Boy, you're slicker
than a Teflon banana peel.
Oh, boy,
I didn't even know I was had.
It was already in my ear.
That was:
How do you get a job like that?
I admire
your thirst for knowledge, kid.
I'll tell you what,
in exchange for a percentage
of everything you rake in,
I teach you everything I know.
Oh, really?
Oh, that's a great deal, Lucille.
No, the name's Godfrey.
- What's yours?
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.
I wasn't born yesterday
off some turnip truck.
If you wanna know my name,
it's gonna cost a quarter.
All right, my name's Mork
and here's your quarter.
Boy, I'm hotter than a whip, aren't I?
The Aspen, Grand Junction
and Salt Lake City bus is now loading.
That's the Aspen, Grand Junction
and Salt Lake City bus.
Last call for Aspen, Grand Junction
and Salt Lake City.
This is one of my favorite spots.
Lots of people coming through.
Now, the first thing we do,
we check petty cash.
Nothing in those.
Nothing in mine either.
Atten-hut.
Assume the fund-raising position.
Perfect.
- Now, show me what you learned.
- Oh, gotcha, watch this.
Excuse me, Hare Krishna, hare lama.
My name is Mork.
- I'm trying to raise money for...
- Who cares?
Excuse me.
Was it something I said?
No, it's a rat race out there, kid.
You wanna raise funds,
you gotta give a performance.
Here,
watch a master at work, okay?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Could you please spare just a few
pennies for a poor destitute soul
who is trying to stave off
the bitter bite of winter?
It is not for myself, you understand,
but for my son who is lying...
Oh, bless you, bless you, bless you.
Godfrey? Godfrey,
I didn't know it was that bad.
Here. Take this, it's all I have.
It's a picture of Robert Conrad.
It's a picture... He was real young
and he didn't have a battery
on his shoulder.
Oh, thank you very much, son.
I was just acting.
Oh, wow, De Niro, Moore.
Raging Bum.
Yeah.
Well, I tell you,
maybe it's better for you
to use the flattery approach,
you know, butter them up.
Oh, yeah, sounds kinky,
but I'll give it a try.
Hello, baby, how are you?
My name is Mork Jourdan.
I would like to design your jeans.
Someone sprayed those on you,
but you look beautiful.
You know,
you are a very, very beautiful woman.
All I can say
is that you must be so sweet.
So, so sweet
that I would bake a cake in your name,
you know what I'm saying?
How are you?
Very nice to have met you.
Bless you, madam, bless you.
- What did you get?
- Oh, her phone number.
I'll take that.
I guess the best thing for you, kid,
is just to kind of
be yourself, you know,
say nothing, just look pathetic.
Okay, okay.
Perfect. Perfect.
What's the matter, brother?
You down on your luck?
Hey, could you use a little something
to tide you over?
Here, don't be ashamed.
No nukes.
What did you get? How did you do?
Kid, you were just great.
You got what it takes.
And I'll take what you got.
That's for tuition.
Oh, does that enroll me
in the school of hard knocks now?
Hey, you bet.
This is just the beginning too,
remember.
Oh, boy,
is Mindy gonna be proud of me, huh?
Oh, I'm gonna build that hospital
right from the bottom up.
I hope asking for donations through
the mail works a lot better for me
than it did for John Anderson.
Who?
See what I mean?
Glenda,
would you like to switch again or what?
No, thanks, I'm fine.
You know, maybe this would be easier
if I use a sponge.
Oh, sorry, Mork took all our sponges
down to the river and set them free.
He's really got sort of an offbeat
sense of compassion, doesn't he?
Now, don't you worry, Mindy.
You've been putting so much
into this fund drive,
it's bound to be a success.
In fact, I'd like to make
a little contribution to the hospital.
Oh, thanks, Glenda.
I've been meaning
to give this to you.
Oh, that's really thoughtful.
But didn't you put a few
too many zeros in this number?
No, no, no,
it's a very worthy cause.
Besides,
I'd only blow the money on T-bills.
Glenda, I don't mean to sound forward
or anything, but would you adopt me?
- Isn't she adorable?
- Oh, she sure is.
Oh, Jeanie, we've gotta run.
It's almost time for racquetball.
Do you think I'm gonna like this
as much as I did bowling?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
The clothes are a lot cuter.
Bye, you guys,
thanks a lot for your help.
- Good luck, see you later.
- Bye, okay.
Well, back to work.
No rest for the perky.
Eureka, Mind.
Mind, what's wrong?
I just swallowed a stamp.
Well, quick, swallow a letter.
Where did you get those clothes?
Bowery Brothers.
It's a little boutique on Skid Drive.
Oh, Mind,
boy, you're gonna be so happy.
Not only are we gonna build a wing,
we're gonna build a wing and a thigh.
Okay.
Mork, what Earth concept
have you misunderstood this week?
No, I didn't misunderstand.
You'll be proud of me.
I've mastered fund-raising.
Watch this, watch this.
Give me a dollar.
You mean,
you bummed all this money?
Oh, not bummed, Mind,
no, it's an art form.
I would've brought home more
except there are holes in my pocket
and I had to help some friends out,
get them a little libation.
But that's panhandling.
No, Mind, panhandling
is what nurses do in the hospital.
I'm an individualized
self-help fundraiser.
I think I'm getting a headache
real soon.
Oh, Mind, you want me
to bum you an aspirin?
Give me an aspirin.
Mork, begging isn't the right way
to collect money.
Oh, Mind,
but my friend, Godfrey, said...
Oh, Mork, look at you. I can't...
It's just... It's so humili...
It's so embarrassing.
I mean,
now I really have a headache.
I guess that means you won't be able
to have dinner at the mission.
That's too bad because
I already selected a wonderful wine.
Look, here. It says:
"Mount Thunder Wazola."
Oh, come on, Mind, come on.
I like you. You're pretty.
- Mind?
- Not yet, Mork.
Okay, Mind.
Okay, now I'm ready.
- Mork?
- Present.
Now, I realize…
I realize that you are a creature
from outer space.
- "Creature" is a little rough, isn't it?
- Not at the moment.
Why do I feel like I'm sitting
next to Mount St. Mindy's?
Now, I realize that you are a creature
from outer space,
but there are certain things
that even the Blob wouldn't do.
I just wanted to raise money
for your hospital.
I know, Mork,
but begging in the bus station
where all my friends could see you?
It wasn't all your friends, Mind.
It was just six of them.
Besides,
they were only good for $20.
You panhandled from my friends?
Oh, I'm gonna crawl under a rock.
You did the same thing.
I was just a little bit more creative.
- What's the difference?
- There's a big difference, Mork.
In the first place,
I wasn't asking for myself.
I was asking for other people.
Well, so was I.
People at the bus station
didn't know that.
Panhandlers usually keep the money
for themselves.
My friend, Godfrey, my mentor said,
"We have to take the direct approach.
We're gonna build a new society
where you don't have a middleman."
Your friend and mentor is a bum.
Oh, shattered illusion.
Oh, Mork.
No more, Mindy, no more.
You've hurt me to the quick.
What I meant was what your friend
does is called begging.
And on Earth, begging isn't exactly in.
And only derelicts beg.
I thought everybody on Earth begged.
I mean, in court you beg for mercy.
Politicians beg the issue,
people beg off.
I mean,
you even teach your dog to beg, Mind.
- Oh, Mork, it's not the same thing.
- Beg your pardon?
I appreciate what you're trying to do,
but begging just isn't right.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
Just don't do any more panhandling,
okay?
- Okay.
- Good.
Okay, now I gotta get these
in the mail.
Look, while I'm gone,
I think maybe you should glance
over your Earth manual again.
Only this time, try reading it,
don't just color the pictures.
Step right up, everybody,
we're giving away free money here.
Let me give you a dollar.
Please, now, come on, free money.
Pardon me, have a fistful of dollars.
Sink right in there.
Don't worry about that.
I can't even give this stuff away.
Oh, where's a mugger
when you really need him?
Excuse me, sir,
do you have any spare change?
- No, I don't.
- Well, now you do.
- Come here, there you go.
- Thanks.
Oh, gee, thanks, mister.
Hey, you're a saint.
- Hey, bless you.
- This fruitcake is giving away money.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hey, wait a minute. Don't you dare.
You leave that.
What's going on here?
Well, I was just giving the money back.
Isn't it beautiful?
Are you bonkers?
You're supposed to take handouts,
not give them away.
I know, but I heard
it's better to give than to receive.
You should try it yourself, Godfrey.
Never. I can't understand it.
I did everything I could for you.
I treated you like you were
my own flesh and blood.
I kicked you out of the house,
I threw you in the gutter
and I made a bum out of you.
Where did I go wrong?
Godfrey, it's only money.
Oh, that's like an Arab saying,
"It's only oil."
Money's the most important thing
in the world.
Don't you understand?
It's much too valuable to give away.
Oh, if I had known you felt like that,
I mean, whoa.
Well, here, Godfrey,
this is all I've got left.
It's a McGovern-Eagleton button.
Kid,
I'm real disappointed in you.
Godfrey.
It's people like you
that give bums a bad name.
You gave the money back?
You said I got the money in a way
that wasn't socially acceptable
to middle-class mores.
- I said that?
- Well, not as eloquently.
What I meant was
it's wrong to beg for money
unless it's for a worthy cause.
Then it's not begging, it's charity.
First I get the money wrong,
then I give it back wrong.
Oh, Mind,
this place is really perplexing.
I mean, no wonder
psychiatrists drive Mercedes.
Who can stay mad
at puppies or Orkans?
Godfrey, come on in.
- Hi, kid.
- Hey.
Mind,
this is my financial adviser, Godfrey.
Yeah,
I've heard a lot about you, Godfrey.
Thank you.
Come on in, make yourself at home.
I'll put some newspapers on the couch.
No, no, no, don't bother.
This ain't gonna take but a minute.
You know, kid, earlier today,
I was sure you was the biggest sucker
I had ever met in my whole life.
Oh, shucks.
But, you know, after you left
that bus station, I got to thinking,
and I saw this little girl standing there
crying because she was lost.
Suddenly it hit me, you know, money,
money don't mean nothing
if I can change that little girl's life.
Right then and there,
I decided to make the big sacrifice.
What did you do?
I gave her a dime
so she could call her mother.
And I tell you,
the look on that girl's face
made me feel so good.
I started thinking how good I would feel
if I could help a lot of kids, you know?
So…
Here, that's for your hospital.
- You're making a donation?
- Yeah.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
Godfrey, you have to let it go now.
Oh, this is very generous of you,
Godfrey.
Now I can almost make my pledge.
Almost?
What do you mean, you're still short?
Only $40.
Oh, boy, this is gonna be painful.
This is wonderful.
Oh, yeah, you born-again bum.
Come on in.
Just don't spread that around,
will you?
I've worked too hard
to get where I am.
- Okay.
- I'll be seeing you.
- Oh, can I walk you to the gutter?
- No.
Excuse me.
Have you ever thought of maybe
taking on a little responsibility?
You know, getting a job
and kind of settling down?
Getting married.
Raising kids,
send them through college.
I did all that.
That's how I got to be a bum.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson,
come in, my favorite superior being.
- Let's hear your report, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
And in the center ring,
it's the incredible, shrinking dollar.
You can spend it, you can save it,
you can waste it,
but you can't take it with you.
No, sirree, bobcat tail.
You've already made a report
on money
and how Earthlings
love to hoard it, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir.
This week, I learned about
a very generous act called charity.
There's another side to the coin.
How about that
for a nifty metaphor, Beeb?
Little Beebs, little shilly.
- Get to the point, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
See, sir, charity is a concept
whereby Earthlings with money
help those without it.
It's a return investment where you take
a loss, but you reap a higher dividend.
I thought you told me that a fool
and his money were soon parted.
Well, that's one saying, sir,
but the other one is:
"It's better to give than to receive."
That's why there's a Thanksgiving Day
and not a Thanks-getting Day, sir.
Most of all, sir, I learned
that the buck starts right here.
Until next week, sir.
That benefit concert
was really terrific.
Yeah, and the reviews
aren't too bad either. Here, look.
There's even a picture of me
conducting the orchestra.
Yeah, that's a wonderful likeness
of the back of your head.
Boy,
you certainly are in a jolly mood.
Yeah, well, why not?
One critic called me
the Bald Bernstein of Boulder.
On top of that,
we raised over $30,000
for the new
Boulder Children's Hospital.
Well, I wish I was doing that well.
I promised
to raise a thousand dollars,
but looking for this new job
has just taken up all my time.
Yeah, well, you can always rent
Mork out to a research laboratory.
I'm really gonna have to buckle down
this next couple of days
to raise the money I pledged.
Maybe I'll dress up as a Girl Scout
and go door to door.
Well, it worked when I was 12.
What are you doing?
I think I was sleep-jogging
and I locked myself out.
- How did you do that?
- I don't know, I guess kind of like this:
Ready, set, dream.
Idiot delight.
- Door-ja vu.
- Door-ja vu.
Oh, no, it's Boulder Pops.
Oh, what a wonderful evening.
That was incredible.
I mean, Beverly Sills and everything.
Couldn't you tell it was me in the back
going, "Whoa, get down, mama"?
Well, you know,
sometimes I can really be irrepressible.
I don't know why.
Oh, look, it guessed my weight.
Well, I really should be going.
I've gotta show my picture
to the rest of Boulder.
And I'll keep making phone calls
for donations.
I haven't even raised enough money
to pay my phone bill.
Oh, don't worry, honey,
you'll raise the money somehow.
Well, I hope so.
I'll have to disguise
the back of my head
so I can slip by the groupies.
- Mind, Mind, Mind.
- Oh, what?
Why didn't you tell me
that you needed money?
You can have anything I own, except
for my lips because those are rented.
That's sweet,
but the money's not for me.
It's for the new children's hospital.
Mind, you mean, you can get money
just by asking for it?
Some people donate money to others
if they think the cause is worthy.
Oh, like ABSCAM.
Senator, do you really believe
that you took this as a loan?
No,
I just thought it was a Christmas gift.
No, not quite.
See, it's called charity.
People raise money
in different ways,
and then they donate it to people
who they feel are in need.
Remember the telethon
we saw the other night?
That was wonderful,
especially when Monty Hall sang:
Bess, you is my woman now
Yes.
Well, people were donating money
to that charity.
Oh, Mind.
I'll never understand you Earthlings.
Sometimes the lights are on
and nobody's home,
you know what I'm saying?
You've got one wheel in the sand.
We Orkans ask for money,
boy, oh, we're...
Right away,
right in the institution
in a little rubber room going:
I'm okay.
Well, caring people here
like to help others.
Oh, Mind, I care and I wanna help.
Boy, I wish you could, Mork.
I've gotta have those donations in
by Friday.
As a matter of fact,
I've gotta start making phone calls.
It shouldn't take that long because you
won't have to raise that much money.
You're building a children's hospital.
It only has to be about this high.
Welcome to Morkathon
for Mindy's kids. Come on, now.
I'll stay on here until you give, give,
give. Come on now, little Tommy.
Why am I here?
What are you doing to me?
No, let's go, let's go now,
here we go.
I'd like to bring you my first guest
right now. But first: Hi, hi, hi.
Don't be afraid of me.
You know, look, these kids...
Can I say one thing?
Here's my first guest.
Let's bring out a wonderful group.
But first, I'm gonna say,
how much have we raised?
Diddly. Okay, let's keep going.
Let's bring on another wonderful act.
The famous Bibbleenees.
Thank you, thank you,
it's so nice to be here.
I want now to do
the famous midget juggling.
Thank you very much.
And now, please...
No, please, don't, no. Let go.
Hey, hey, no. Hey, no. Hey.
What? No, don't touch me there.
Don't grab me in…
Hey, my arms. No, no, no.
Thank you, thank...
We'll be having a telethon for them
in just about an hour, so don't worry.
Let's keep going right now.
I wanna thank all of you, but first...
A little heart and soul here.
Let's bring them out right now.
These kids, bring them out.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
We are the Confusions.
We can dance better
than we can sing.
I'd like to introduce the band.
First of all, Larry, proud Aquarius.
Tom, moon in Encino,
I don't know why.
Billy Bob, I don't know what the hell.
My agent got me this job.
That's it, I'd like to thank all
these young people here.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'll be coming around now.
We'll collect money.
- Thank you.
- How about that, huh?
Isn't he terrific,
ladies and gentlemen?
Mork, what are you doing?
I'm doing a telethon
to raise money for Mindy's kids.
Oh, that's real nice.
You're scaring away my customers.
If you keep this up, Mindy's gonna be
raising money for me.
Oh, I'm sorry about that.
Here.
I'll turn in my tie.
I…
Excuse me, sir,
do you mind if I mope here
or is this a no-moping section?
No, kid, sure, sit down.
Sit down.
Hey, you know something?
You got a great approach there, kid.
But you sure got a lot to learn
about fund-raising.
You know how to raise money?
Oh, I'm a professional
from back East.
I raise money every day of my life.
You do? How?
- Give me a quarter and I'll show you.
- Oh, sure.
See? I just raised a quarter.
Boy, you're slicker
than a Teflon banana peel.
Oh, boy,
I didn't even know I was had.
It was already in my ear.
That was:
How do you get a job like that?
I admire
your thirst for knowledge, kid.
I'll tell you what,
in exchange for a percentage
of everything you rake in,
I teach you everything I know.
Oh, really?
Oh, that's a great deal, Lucille.
No, the name's Godfrey.
- What's yours?
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.
I wasn't born yesterday
off some turnip truck.
If you wanna know my name,
it's gonna cost a quarter.
All right, my name's Mork
and here's your quarter.
Boy, I'm hotter than a whip, aren't I?
The Aspen, Grand Junction
and Salt Lake City bus is now loading.
That's the Aspen, Grand Junction
and Salt Lake City bus.
Last call for Aspen, Grand Junction
and Salt Lake City.
This is one of my favorite spots.
Lots of people coming through.
Now, the first thing we do,
we check petty cash.
Nothing in those.
Nothing in mine either.
Atten-hut.
Assume the fund-raising position.
Perfect.
- Now, show me what you learned.
- Oh, gotcha, watch this.
Excuse me, Hare Krishna, hare lama.
My name is Mork.
- I'm trying to raise money for...
- Who cares?
Excuse me.
Was it something I said?
No, it's a rat race out there, kid.
You wanna raise funds,
you gotta give a performance.
Here,
watch a master at work, okay?
Excuse me, ma'am.
Could you please spare just a few
pennies for a poor destitute soul
who is trying to stave off
the bitter bite of winter?
It is not for myself, you understand,
but for my son who is lying...
Oh, bless you, bless you, bless you.
Godfrey? Godfrey,
I didn't know it was that bad.
Here. Take this, it's all I have.
It's a picture of Robert Conrad.
It's a picture... He was real young
and he didn't have a battery
on his shoulder.
Oh, thank you very much, son.
I was just acting.
Oh, wow, De Niro, Moore.
Raging Bum.
Yeah.
Well, I tell you,
maybe it's better for you
to use the flattery approach,
you know, butter them up.
Oh, yeah, sounds kinky,
but I'll give it a try.
Hello, baby, how are you?
My name is Mork Jourdan.
I would like to design your jeans.
Someone sprayed those on you,
but you look beautiful.
You know,
you are a very, very beautiful woman.
All I can say
is that you must be so sweet.
So, so sweet
that I would bake a cake in your name,
you know what I'm saying?
How are you?
Very nice to have met you.
Bless you, madam, bless you.
- What did you get?
- Oh, her phone number.
I'll take that.
I guess the best thing for you, kid,
is just to kind of
be yourself, you know,
say nothing, just look pathetic.
Okay, okay.
Perfect. Perfect.
What's the matter, brother?
You down on your luck?
Hey, could you use a little something
to tide you over?
Here, don't be ashamed.
No nukes.
What did you get? How did you do?
Kid, you were just great.
You got what it takes.
And I'll take what you got.
That's for tuition.
Oh, does that enroll me
in the school of hard knocks now?
Hey, you bet.
This is just the beginning too,
remember.
Oh, boy,
is Mindy gonna be proud of me, huh?
Oh, I'm gonna build that hospital
right from the bottom up.
I hope asking for donations through
the mail works a lot better for me
than it did for John Anderson.
Who?
See what I mean?
Glenda,
would you like to switch again or what?
No, thanks, I'm fine.
You know, maybe this would be easier
if I use a sponge.
Oh, sorry, Mork took all our sponges
down to the river and set them free.
He's really got sort of an offbeat
sense of compassion, doesn't he?
Now, don't you worry, Mindy.
You've been putting so much
into this fund drive,
it's bound to be a success.
In fact, I'd like to make
a little contribution to the hospital.
Oh, thanks, Glenda.
I've been meaning
to give this to you.
Oh, that's really thoughtful.
But didn't you put a few
too many zeros in this number?
No, no, no,
it's a very worthy cause.
Besides,
I'd only blow the money on T-bills.
Glenda, I don't mean to sound forward
or anything, but would you adopt me?
- Isn't she adorable?
- Oh, she sure is.
Oh, Jeanie, we've gotta run.
It's almost time for racquetball.
Do you think I'm gonna like this
as much as I did bowling?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
The clothes are a lot cuter.
Bye, you guys,
thanks a lot for your help.
- Good luck, see you later.
- Bye, okay.
Well, back to work.
No rest for the perky.
Eureka, Mind.
Mind, what's wrong?
I just swallowed a stamp.
Well, quick, swallow a letter.
Where did you get those clothes?
Bowery Brothers.
It's a little boutique on Skid Drive.
Oh, Mind,
boy, you're gonna be so happy.
Not only are we gonna build a wing,
we're gonna build a wing and a thigh.
Okay.
Mork, what Earth concept
have you misunderstood this week?
No, I didn't misunderstand.
You'll be proud of me.
I've mastered fund-raising.
Watch this, watch this.
Give me a dollar.
You mean,
you bummed all this money?
Oh, not bummed, Mind,
no, it's an art form.
I would've brought home more
except there are holes in my pocket
and I had to help some friends out,
get them a little libation.
But that's panhandling.
No, Mind, panhandling
is what nurses do in the hospital.
I'm an individualized
self-help fundraiser.
I think I'm getting a headache
real soon.
Oh, Mind, you want me
to bum you an aspirin?
Give me an aspirin.
Mork, begging isn't the right way
to collect money.
Oh, Mind,
but my friend, Godfrey, said...
Oh, Mork, look at you. I can't...
It's just... It's so humili...
It's so embarrassing.
I mean,
now I really have a headache.
I guess that means you won't be able
to have dinner at the mission.
That's too bad because
I already selected a wonderful wine.
Look, here. It says:
"Mount Thunder Wazola."
Oh, come on, Mind, come on.
I like you. You're pretty.
- Mind?
- Not yet, Mork.
Okay, Mind.
Okay, now I'm ready.
- Mork?
- Present.
Now, I realize…
I realize that you are a creature
from outer space.
- "Creature" is a little rough, isn't it?
- Not at the moment.
Why do I feel like I'm sitting
next to Mount St. Mindy's?
Now, I realize that you are a creature
from outer space,
but there are certain things
that even the Blob wouldn't do.
I just wanted to raise money
for your hospital.
I know, Mork,
but begging in the bus station
where all my friends could see you?
It wasn't all your friends, Mind.
It was just six of them.
Besides,
they were only good for $20.
You panhandled from my friends?
Oh, I'm gonna crawl under a rock.
You did the same thing.
I was just a little bit more creative.
- What's the difference?
- There's a big difference, Mork.
In the first place,
I wasn't asking for myself.
I was asking for other people.
Well, so was I.
People at the bus station
didn't know that.
Panhandlers usually keep the money
for themselves.
My friend, Godfrey, my mentor said,
"We have to take the direct approach.
We're gonna build a new society
where you don't have a middleman."
Your friend and mentor is a bum.
Oh, shattered illusion.
Oh, Mork.
No more, Mindy, no more.
You've hurt me to the quick.
What I meant was what your friend
does is called begging.
And on Earth, begging isn't exactly in.
And only derelicts beg.
I thought everybody on Earth begged.
I mean, in court you beg for mercy.
Politicians beg the issue,
people beg off.
I mean,
you even teach your dog to beg, Mind.
- Oh, Mork, it's not the same thing.
- Beg your pardon?
I appreciate what you're trying to do,
but begging just isn't right.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to embarrass you.
Just don't do any more panhandling,
okay?
- Okay.
- Good.
Okay, now I gotta get these
in the mail.
Look, while I'm gone,
I think maybe you should glance
over your Earth manual again.
Only this time, try reading it,
don't just color the pictures.
Step right up, everybody,
we're giving away free money here.
Let me give you a dollar.
Please, now, come on, free money.
Pardon me, have a fistful of dollars.
Sink right in there.
Don't worry about that.
I can't even give this stuff away.
Oh, where's a mugger
when you really need him?
Excuse me, sir,
do you have any spare change?
- No, I don't.
- Well, now you do.
- Come here, there you go.
- Thanks.
Oh, gee, thanks, mister.
Hey, you're a saint.
- Hey, bless you.
- This fruitcake is giving away money.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hey, wait a minute. Don't you dare.
You leave that.
What's going on here?
Well, I was just giving the money back.
Isn't it beautiful?
Are you bonkers?
You're supposed to take handouts,
not give them away.
I know, but I heard
it's better to give than to receive.
You should try it yourself, Godfrey.
Never. I can't understand it.
I did everything I could for you.
I treated you like you were
my own flesh and blood.
I kicked you out of the house,
I threw you in the gutter
and I made a bum out of you.
Where did I go wrong?
Godfrey, it's only money.
Oh, that's like an Arab saying,
"It's only oil."
Money's the most important thing
in the world.
Don't you understand?
It's much too valuable to give away.
Oh, if I had known you felt like that,
I mean, whoa.
Well, here, Godfrey,
this is all I've got left.
It's a McGovern-Eagleton button.
Kid,
I'm real disappointed in you.
Godfrey.
It's people like you
that give bums a bad name.
You gave the money back?
You said I got the money in a way
that wasn't socially acceptable
to middle-class mores.
- I said that?
- Well, not as eloquently.
What I meant was
it's wrong to beg for money
unless it's for a worthy cause.
Then it's not begging, it's charity.
First I get the money wrong,
then I give it back wrong.
Oh, Mind,
this place is really perplexing.
I mean, no wonder
psychiatrists drive Mercedes.
Who can stay mad
at puppies or Orkans?
Godfrey, come on in.
- Hi, kid.
- Hey.
Mind,
this is my financial adviser, Godfrey.
Yeah,
I've heard a lot about you, Godfrey.
Thank you.
Come on in, make yourself at home.
I'll put some newspapers on the couch.
No, no, no, don't bother.
This ain't gonna take but a minute.
You know, kid, earlier today,
I was sure you was the biggest sucker
I had ever met in my whole life.
Oh, shucks.
But, you know, after you left
that bus station, I got to thinking,
and I saw this little girl standing there
crying because she was lost.
Suddenly it hit me, you know, money,
money don't mean nothing
if I can change that little girl's life.
Right then and there,
I decided to make the big sacrifice.
What did you do?
I gave her a dime
so she could call her mother.
And I tell you,
the look on that girl's face
made me feel so good.
I started thinking how good I would feel
if I could help a lot of kids, you know?
So…
Here, that's for your hospital.
- You're making a donation?
- Yeah.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
Godfrey, you have to let it go now.
Oh, this is very generous of you,
Godfrey.
Now I can almost make my pledge.
Almost?
What do you mean, you're still short?
Only $40.
Oh, boy, this is gonna be painful.
This is wonderful.
Oh, yeah, you born-again bum.
Come on in.
Just don't spread that around,
will you?
I've worked too hard
to get where I am.
- Okay.
- I'll be seeing you.
- Oh, can I walk you to the gutter?
- No.
Excuse me.
Have you ever thought of maybe
taking on a little responsibility?
You know, getting a job
and kind of settling down?
Getting married.
Raising kids,
send them through college.
I did all that.
That's how I got to be a bum.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson,
come in, my favorite superior being.
- Let's hear your report, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
And in the center ring,
it's the incredible, shrinking dollar.
You can spend it, you can save it,
you can waste it,
but you can't take it with you.
No, sirree, bobcat tail.
You've already made a report
on money
and how Earthlings
love to hoard it, Mork.
Oh, yes, sir.
This week, I learned about
a very generous act called charity.
There's another side to the coin.
How about that
for a nifty metaphor, Beeb?
Little Beebs, little shilly.
- Get to the point, Mork.
- Yes, sir.
See, sir, charity is a concept
whereby Earthlings with money
help those without it.
It's a return investment where you take
a loss, but you reap a higher dividend.
I thought you told me that a fool
and his money were soon parted.
Well, that's one saying, sir,
but the other one is:
"It's better to give than to receive."
That's why there's a Thanksgiving Day
and not a Thanks-getting Day, sir.
Most of all, sir, I learned
that the buck starts right here.
Until next week, sir.