Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 7 - Gunfight at the Mor-Kay Corral - full transcript

Na-no, na-no.

Good morning, everybody.

Honey, I tell ya,

I've been working on
your jeep for over an hour,

and I can't find out
what's wrong with it.

My battery's dead.

Oh.

When I woke up this
morning my battery was dead.

I can't understand
what happened.

Well, could leaving
the car lights on all night

have any effect on that?



Why, yes it could,
why would you ask?

No reason, no
reason, no reason at all.

Mork.

A-a-all right, Mindy,

th-there's a big reason,
but a very good one though.

There's always a good reason.

Oh, you understand,
pops, don't you. I do.

Well, basically,

there's this cute,
little, old wino outside,

and he was
sleeping in the gutter,

and I left the lights on

so no one would park on him.

You're so courteous.

I tell you what, Mork,



as soon as I finish my coffee,

I'll drop you off at
the daycare center.

Oh, thanks, pops, you
know... Oh, Min, Min.

Opening night jitters. I've
got the flop-sweat already.

I don't even have a costume yet.

Mork had this really good idea

about the kids dressing
up as their favorite hero.

Yeah. Kids today
could use some heroes.

When I was a young boy,

I used to like the
western heroes:

Roy Rogers and Gene
Autry and Tex Ritter.

Of course, in those days

you could always tell
who the good guys were

because they all wore big
white hats and played guitars.

I always used to wonder
why they never rode into town

playing a violin.

That's probably because
all the Indians had the bows.

Imagine Custer's last concerto:

I guess my favorite hero
was the Lone Ranger.

Ooh, the Lone Ranger's
a real good one, Mork.

I think you'd like him,

because he always
settled fights peacefully.

Oh, Min,

Wow. Parallel universe.

We have someone
like that just on Ork.

Really? On Ork you have
someone like the Lone Ranger?

Yes. Well, he's more
like the Lone Chicken.

You see, whenever
there would be trouble

he would always hide.

His favorite motto was:

"when the going gets tough,
the tough go shopping."

Sounds like the
Gabor sisters to me.

That's it. I can go as
Squelman the Yellow.

What a strange planet,

making a hero out of someone
who does nothing but hide.

What does he look like?

I don't know. No one
ever saw his face.

All we ever saw was
his yellow-feathered tush

high-tailing it into the sunset.

♪ Happy tails to you ♪

♪ Until we meet again ♪

Able to leap tall buildings
with a single boom,

it's a turkey...

No, it's Squelman the Yellow!

The proud coward
with a golden tail.

Now, you see, that's a
hero where I came from.

By creative hiding,
that's how he survived.

Now. Who's up next? Who's up?

You're up, Jonathan.

I'll give you a hint.

Sugar Ray Leonard.

One more hint
and I might get it.

Speaking of sugar,

when do we eat?

Stephanie, you just had lunch,

and very few people can
eat a whole turkey and live.

Now, who's your hero, Stephanie?

Sara Lee.

I might have guessed.

Aw, stick a brownie in your ear!

Stephanie, if you keep this up,

one day you're gonna
go on the elevator

and it's gonna
say: "capacity: you."

Who's your hero, Lola?

Truman Capote,

for his accurate, yet lyrical,

portrayal of the
human condition.

Phew.

Lola, one day you're going

to have a talk show
all of your own.

Billy, who's your hero?

My dad picked my hero for me.

Well, who is it? Him.

He wants me to be
a doctor like he is.

Oh, that's not a bad hero.

I mean, they save
lives, they play great golf,

and never bother you at home.

Big deal.

My dad won't let me be
who I really want to be.

Well, who's that?

The guy with my name.

Billy the Kid, he
was a tough hombre.

His dad never
told him what to do.

Oh, Billy the Kid...

Isn't that the
president's brother,

the one that helped
Reagan get elected?

No, Mork. He was
a famous cowboy.

People say he used to live

in that old ghost
town near here.

Oh. That's it, a ghost town,

the ultimate retirement village.

Imagine the maid changing
the sheets up there:

Jonathan meant Windy Gulch,
the old town outside of Boulder.

I bet Billy had fun out there.

Got to camp out,
never eat broccoli...

Billy,

come as Billy the
Kid if you want.

Really? Yeah.

Thanks, Mork.

Oh, shucks and
wazoo, little Yoda.

Well, that's it for today, kids.

Time for our field trip.
Today we're gonna go down

to the chemical
plant by the river

and watch the dead fish race.

Oh, no.

Thanks for the ride, Exidor.

Lucky for you, the
Shriners canceled.

Mork, I'm going out of town,

and I'd like you to
take all my phone calls.

All right. Here.

Where's the receiver?

I don't know,

I just don't want anybody
calling me long distance.

And I'm sure you two boys
have a lot to chit-chat about,

so I'll just leave
you two alone.

Min, Min, come on,
now. Exidor's our friend.

Exidor is your friend, Mork.

You know, quite a few
people think he's a little strange.

I've heard those ugly rumors,
and they're grossly exaggerated.

Do you have any chinchilla dip?

I rest my case.

Mork.

I'm going away on
a very secret trip.

So secret, in fact, that
I've blindfolded my burro.

Some call it kinky.
I call it security.

Hush-toned. Why is it so secret?

Mork, there's a
fortune buried out there.

I inheritied this map
from my late grandfather.

He's deceased, you know.

There's nothing
on this map, Exidor.

A necessary precaution.

Besides, I've got it
all right there, Mork.

Ah, memorized it, huh?

No, I had it tattooed on
the inside of my eyelid.

Steinmetz, Pepe, Rito.

Load up the burro and pile on.

I'm an equal
opportunity employer.

All those people on one burro,

that's incredible.
Those amazing animals.

If you should get a postcard
saying "wish you were blank,"

you know who it's from.

I'll be back in about a month.

Frankie, Annette... Surf's up!

Min, you can come
out now. Exidor's gone.

Exidor was gone
when he got here.

Well, I hope your day's
been going better than mine.

Oh, me too, Min.

My idea about the
heroes with the kids

was a great success,
except for Billy.

Oh, why?

His father wanted
him to be a doctor.

Why? That's a good hero.

He didn't like it, so I
found him a new one:

Billy the Kid.

That's not so good, Mork.

Billy the Kid was a
murderer. He killed 21 people.

Oh, Min, you don't
know that for sure,

I mean, you know how
people gossip at funerals.

I mean, he must have done
something to become famous.

Well, sometimes
people become famous

for the wrong reasons.

Kids always imitate their idols,

so it's better for everybody
if you pick somebody good.

Oh, that's right.

Boy, was I wrong, Min.

Why do Morks rush in
where wise men fear to tread?

Boy, that goose
must weigh a ton.

Oh, good. It's the tow truck.

I'd better get out there

before my auto
club card expires.

Oh, hi, Billy.

Hey, there, little buckaroo.

Howdy, Mork.

Yo. Hey, hey.

Listen, knock your
feet together twice,

we'll do a little
chap shtick. Ha-ha.

Good to see you,
there, urban cowkid.

Let's you and me go
down to the old ghost town

and have a shootout.

Oh, I can't go, Billy,

I've got to stay and help
Mindy bury her dead battery.

See, besides that, Billy,

I think that... I didn't
realize that Billy the Kid

was into retroactive
family planning.

Aw, come on. He was a hero.

You're just saying that

'cause you're a fraidy cat
like Squelman the Yellow.

Well, thanks for
the compliments,

but I still can't go.

Come on. It's just a game.

Oh, game or no game, Billy,

you see, it simulates violence.

Hey, if you really
want to understand

Squelman the Yellow,

let's play his favorite
game, cherchez-moi,

which is hide-and-seek.

Okay, but I'm warning
you, Billy the Kid's smarter.

I'll be "it," you go hide.

Oh. Okay.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Hee, hee, hee.

Adios, turkey.

Ollie, ollie, oxen free.

Come on, now.
You'll never find me.

I studied with Claude Rains.

Well, the jeep's fixed.

You're not even close.
You're not even tepid.

I'll give you a hint:

"Liberace."

What's going on?

Min, Min. Quiet, I'm playing
hide-and-seek with Billy,

and I'm really skunking
him. He hasn't got a chance.

No, you're not.

I just saw him take off
down the street on his bike.

He said you'd know
where to find him.

Oh, no, Min, no, no. He's
going down to Windy Gulch.

You mean that old ghost
town near here? Why?

Well, I guess he wants
to have a shootout.

Oh, great. Well,
we'd better go get him.

Oh, Min, Min, it's all right.

It's my responsibility.

I better go get my trusty .45.

Wait a minute.

I thought Squelman
was a pacifist.

Well, he is, Min.
That's his manual:

"45 Ways to Hide." Come on.

You look in the saloon,

and I'll check the
livery stable next door.

Billy.

Billy.

Billy, come out now.

This is father Mork
talking to you, son.

Now, Billy, you
shouldn't be here,

you should be home watching
TV with the other little kids,

eating cereal, and
getting hypoglycemic, now.

Whoa.

Don't move, varmint.
I got the drop on ya.

Billy, now, come on.

Whoa. I told you not to move.

I got a balloon in here
with your name on it.

You don't want to
continue this game

and scare the Ork-chips
out of Uncle Mork, do you?

Yeah.

Oh. Just checking.

No, Billy, no, please.

Min. Min. Be careful. Billy.

He might have a balloon
with your name on it too:

"Perky." What?

I don't know what's
going on here,

but you're coming home
with us, young man, right now.

Sure. Push me around just
because you're older than me.

You're just like my dad.

Mindy, if we make
him go home right now,

he'll always think that
violence is the right way.

But he's just a little kid.

We can't leave him
here till he grows up.

Min, you don't understand.

This is dueling
philosophies right here.

It's violence against
non-violence.

It's like Gandhi
versus Dick the Bruiser.

Understand? It's like:

I don't want to
hurt the little kiddie.

Oh, give him to me now.
I'll eat the thing on the hoof.

That's what I'm trying to
say. All right, do it your way.

Time for a showdown.

We each get a balloon.

If I hit you, Billy's best.

If you hit me, Squelman's best.

You're on.

Except Squelman
doesn't use weapons.

Mork, I don't think...

Okay, sucker.

Min, Min, Min. Min, Min, Min.

Min,

I hope you appreciate the
subtlety of my philosophy.

But look at the good side, Min,

you could always win
a wet sweater contest.

Ha-ha! Got you, Mork. I win.

Not so fast, Billy.

Mind over splatter.
Viva la Squelman.

Oh, yeah? It's
not over yet, Mork.

Mork, I don't think
this is gonna work.

We've got to do
something to help him, Min.

Yeah. Somehow
we've got to prove to him

that being an outlaw

is only exciting in the movies,

that Butch and
Sundance weren't heroes,

they were only handsome.

Wait a minute, Min. Bingo.

That's an old
religious saying on Ork.

I think I have a way

of ending this confrontation.

I think there's a solution
to the possible violence

that's escalating
before our eyes.

First of all we
have to find Billy,

the young person
who was just in here,

who attempted to
assassinate me with agua pura,

and if we find we must
convince him why Billy the Kid

never became Billy the Adult.

Only with that we'll have
a solution to this violent

problem the way
of the day before.

Rosemary, did you get all that?

Good. Erase it.

Okay, Mork, I'm gonna
go down to the gas station

to call his parents.

Y-you wait here to
see if Billy shows up.

Come on out, you
lily-livered coward.

Ching. Ching. Ching.

I heard you're
looking for me, kid.

Where are ya? Oh.

I just rode into town
a little while ago,

my horse is tied up outside.

I wouldn't hold that
balloon if I were you.

You see these notches
on these suspenders here?

There's 21 of 'em.

You know what
happens when I get 22?

What?

My pants fall down.

That's why I have to
wear to this serape here.

What's going on? What
happened to Squelman?

Squelman?

Somewhere, someone's
got a fistful of feathers.

Why don't you come on down, son?

Buy you a little drink.

Right now I'm so
thirsty I could belch dust.

Barkeeper, sarsaparilla
for my friend.

I'll sip danger. Come on, Mork.

Whoa. Neat.

How'd you do that?

Some questions you
can't answer, Billy,

like, how does Venus
de Milo hitchhike?

Mind if I tinkle, Bill?

Wow, this is fun.

Yeah, isn't it?

It wasn't always
that much fun, Billy,

especially when there
were guns involved.

You know, sometimes
there might be

a real intense
game going on here,

with people sitting
in those chairs.

Let your imagination
wander. Heh, heh, heh. Yeah.

See what happens.

What I think here is,

we have a failure to
deal an honest hand.

Hey, you accusing
me of cheating?

I'm telling you... Accusing
me of cheating? No.

I'm just saying you've
got a face so ugly

a coyote should
beat it out with a stick.

I'm telling you...
You telling me...

Don't you dare
talk to me like that.

Yep, that's what I said.

Happy trails to you ♪

Stuff it, Roy, and I
don't mean trigger.

Hey, don't you understand?

There's a lot of stuff
going down here.

You'll never go on here.

What's he saying?

I don't know.

All right, the rest of you.

Come on, quit hidin' from
it. They're not doin' diddly.

Let's get down to the action.

Action? You're all dead now.

You've had it now.

Well, Billy,

did that seem like fun to you?

Nah. It was pretty scary.

That's just what Uncle
Mork wanted to hear.

I guess we can head on home now

and just talk
about this one later.

Remember this one
when we're older.

Nope.

Oh, no.

Mayday. Amrack.
All systems alert.

Damien, part four.

It's all over, Mork.
No, no, Billy. No, wait...

O-o-o-o-o...

I-I-I-I-I...

E-e-e-e-e...

A-a-a-a-a...

I-I-I-I-I I-I-I-I-I-I...

I won.

Billy the Kid did it again.

What...? What happened?

Mork. What happened?

Hey. Get up, Mork,
the game's over.

Violence isn't a game, Billy.

But it was just pretend.

Mork, are you all right?

Mork.

Min?

Is Billy nearby? I
can't see too clearly.

Oh, no. I think
he needs a doctor.

Gee, I wish my dad
were here. He's a doctor.

There's a cool trough outside.

I'll g-g-go get a
cool washcloth.

Okay.

Oh, no, Mork.

Min, can you stop doing that?
You're curling my eyebrows.

Wait a minute. You
mean you're all right?

Oh, Min, as I fell
through the air,

I had this incredible idea.

I thought I might just
wing it, you know?

Squelman had this
incredible flair for the dramatic.

Yeah, well, I'm
glad you're all right,

but I think I'd like
to wring your neck.

This wasn't part of our plan.

Shh. Think Gandhi, Gandhi.
Non-violence, non-violence.

Be here now, if
not, get there later.

Shh. And to Mindy

I leave all of my Tupperware.

Mork, I'm sorry.

I went too far.

Oh, it's all right, Billy.
It was just a game.

Kind of heavy stakes,
but just a game.

I'm sorry.

Get better.

I saw my dad do
this. I hope it works.

Oh, I have a feeling it will.

Ye-e-s.

Ye-e-s.

Ye-e-s. Ye-e-s, ye-e-s.

I am healed. Yay.
Praise the power.

I had a vision.

I saw the Cadillac was
coming to carry me home.

You did it, Billy.
Praise you. Yay.

I think you saved his life.

I did, didn't I? I
made Mork better.

Yep.

Do you think you want to
be Billy the Kid anymore?

No way. I've got a new hero now.

Who's that, Bill?

You, Mork.

Aw.

I'd better get home now. My
mom and dad will be worried.

Is it all right if I throw
my bike in your jeep?

Sure.

That's better than
the other way around.

Well...

Well, another day,
another nervous breakdown.

Hey. Somebody
left the jeep lights on.

Min, Min...

I-I know what you're thinking,

but it was advanced
planning, really it was.

I mean, I know we
need those lights at night

when we have to look
for the car keys I lost.

Oh, Mork.

I know. I know. Shh.

Patience, Min, patience.
It's not only a virtue,

in this case, it's a necessity.

I'll wait for you outside.

All right, all right.

Thanks, fellas.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork callin' Orson.

Come on in there, pardner.

Yo. Bronco Billy.
Where are you...?

Mork, get a grip on yourself.

Yes, sir.

Just me and my sidekick,
Beebs, here, horsin' around, sir.

Ha-ha. Get it?
Horsin' around? Huh?

One more, Mr. Beeb.

He didn't get it this time.

What's your report
about this week, Mork?

Well, heroes, sir,

and I'm not talkin' sandwiches.

Are there many heroes on earth?

Oh, yes, sir, there are,

but it seems only the ones
with pizzazz get the spotlight.

How many times times have
you seen Albert Schweitzer's

picture on a bubble gum
card? Think about that one, sir.

Maybe it's because he
can't throw a good curveball,

but isn't that
being a little picky?

It sounds like earthlings

equate heroism with
glamorous deeds.

I think so, sir.

It's probably good for
their T-shirt industry.

You always hear about the
man who jumps over 13 buses,

but you never hear
about the John Doe

that put him back
together again.

Who's John Doe?

Exactly, sir.

That's why I think
most real heroes

seldom get a
headline of their own.

Imagine this, sir:

Today millions of earthlings
helped one another.

No film at 11:00.

And that's all she wrote, Orson.

We'll get back to you next week

if we get that grant from
the Chrysler foundation.

Na-no, na-no.

It's cute. You'll like it.

Don't worry, it's
got a nice feel.