Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 6 - Mork, the Monkey's Uncle - full transcript

It's perfect for television.

I simply love it, Mindy,
and so will Channel 19.

That look just screams
anchorperson.

I don't know, Glenda Faye.

Don't you think it's kind of
a little too daring? It's kind of flashy.

Now, you know as well as I do that
every TV news team has one blond.

Barbara Walters, Rona Barrett,
Frank Reynolds.

Yeah, but I couldn't go to an interview
looking like this.

My hair feels naked.

Well, maybe that's why
blonds have more fun.

Well, I've been brunet all my life
and I've had fun.



Have you ever water-skied
the Amazon?

No.

Have you ever danced
with a Sherpa guide

on the slopes of the Himalayas?

Gone ice sailing
with an Eskimo prince?

I can't say that I have.

Of course not.
Brunets aren't invited to those things.

And they aren't invited
to be anchorpersons, either.

Thanks for the ride, Mrs. Rebozo.
Say "hi" to Bebe too.

Oh, no, Mind.
Attack of the Bleach People.

What? They turned you into
Sandra Dee.

They sucked on your scalp. Oh, no.

Oh, they have.
They turned you into Swedish.

Mork, it's just a wig.



I knew that, Mind.
May I see it for just a minute?

Sure.

Cold immobilizes them, Mind.

Glenda Faye was trying
to talk me into bleaching my hair

for a job interview
I have at Channel 19.

Trust me, it'll work.

Well, I must be off
to my tai chi class.

That would be very effective
against a mugger on tranquillizers.

Well, sayonara.

I learned that on Shogun.

- So how was your day at the zoo?
- Oh, it was wonderful.

- More than that, it was two-derful.
- Oh, yeah?

I observed all these wonderful,
weird animals.

I saw two ants.

I saw a black widow going,
"Baby, you ain't coming back here."

I saw a praying mantis.
They don't really pray,

they just kind of chant.
And then there was...

Oh, and I saw a butterfly
and a bird and a dog.

Those are the only animals
you saw?

Well, Mind, only the weird ones
stick in my mind.

Oh, and I also made a friend
at the zoo. His name is Doc.

Oh, great.
Does he live around here?

No, he lives at the zoo.
He's a chimpanzee.

He lives there with his mother.
It was wonderful.

We had this incredible conversation
about how Darwin was wrong.

Right, Mork. Well, I'm glad you had
a good time at the zoo.

Oh, good, Mind.
I can't wait to go back.

Do you have any 50-pound bags
of peanuts around?

No, I think we're all out.

Pity. Since Carter lost,
I thought we would.

Well, Mork…

You're gonna be all right here, Doc,
till we find who kidnapped your mom.

Okay, that's all right.
You're not even safe in a zoo anymore.

That's incredible. I mean,
they should put bars upon bars.

There you go.
Boy, you are tired, aren't you?

Well, we'll find a place for you.
Have a little monk nap.

Let's see,
we can't put you over there.

Yeah, you can't hang around...
What am I talking about?

Mind would be mad
if I didn't give you the best room.

Come on,
you can sleep in Mind's bed.

Don't be afraid. She's got a life-sized
doll of Jackson Browne.

Don't worry.

- Hi, Mork.
- Oh, hi, Mind.

Well, I took Glenda Faye's advice
and got the hair dye.

I guess the moment of truth
has come.

Do I become a blond
or do I chicken out?

Mork, I want you to tell me the truth.

If I do this to my hair,
do you think I'll lose my...?

- You know, my girl-next-door quality?
- I don't know. Ask the guy next door.

The one with the binoculars,
who drools a lot.

Oh, what's the big deal anyway?
So I become a blond.

It'll all be worth it
if I get that job interview. I hope.

While I was at the zoo,
something special happened.

Can you tell me later? if I don't
do this now, I'm gonna chicken out.

- Oh, it'll keep.
- I'll talk to you later.

Okay, one minute. Maybe less.

- There's a monkey in my bed.
- It's not actually a monkey.

It's a chimp.
That's a common misconception.

You see, there are two groups.
The simian groups and...

Would I seem forward
if I asked for an explanation?

No, just inquisitive.
You see, that's my friend, Doc.

The one I told you about, at the zoo?
I sprung him.

Mork, you took a chimp
from the zoo last year.

That was different.
He was an exchange student.

Mork, you've gotta get him back.

Mind, you don't understand.
You really don't understand.

You're being so harsh and cruel.

Mind, his mother was kidnapped
from the zoo

and I'm afraid the same men
will come back and kidnap him.

Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

You kidnapped the chimp.
You were afraid that chimp

was gonna be kidnapped by the people
that kidnapped the chimp's mother?

And they say Earthlings are slow.

How do you get involved
in these things?

Oh, Mind, I'm just trying to be a caring,
loving person, like you taught me.

Mork, it's still not right
to steal a chimp.

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.

Now, may I pose
a hypothetical question to you?

You're out strolling
and lo and behold,

you come upon Bambi
in the middle of a burning forest.

Now, here's the question.
What do you do?

You either lead Bambi to safety
across the river,

or do you baste him in barbecue
sauce and have Bambi in a bucket?

Time's up, Mind.

Oh, all right.
The zoo's probably closed anyway.

- You gotta take him back tomorrow.
- Oh, Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

I bet in the dictionary it says,
"merciful, see Mindy." Oh, Mind.

Mind, you won't even know he's here
except for a few more hairs in the sink.

But, hey, don't worry about that.
Oh, Mind, I'll take him back tomorrow.

I promise, I really do promise and...

Hey, just think how lucky you are.
You get to sleep with him.

What?

Oh, Mind, come on, he's scared
and lonely. It's his first night away.

- He's terrified.
- Right, Mork. I'll tell you what.

You sleep with the monkey
and I'll sleep right here on the couch.

But I gotta dye my hair
because I got that interview

at 9:00 in the morning

- He's got on my best nightgown.
- I know, Mind.

He had a hard time deciding.
He tried on everything in your drawer.

Mind?

Mind?

Mind?

- Mind?
- Are we there yet?

Mind, Mind, I'm really sorry
I startled you like this,

but, I mean, Doc's hungry.
He'd like some warm milk.

- Oh, okay.
- Good. I'll go unplug the refrigerator.

Why don't you get him some water?

Oh, Mind, even asleep,
you're hotter than a pistol. Thanks.

Water, water.

Doc had the hiccups,
so I had to scare him.

- You did that well.
- Thanks.

Well, I might as well get up.

It's only four hours
until my job interview.

At least I'll be able to paint the circles
out from under my eyes.

I'm very sorry about all this,
but you take such good care of me,

I thought you could help
take care of him.

Yeah, I know, Mork.
You always mean well.

I'd do the same for anybody whose
mother was kidnapped from the zoo.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed now, and try
and keep it quiet out here, will you?

Well, since I'm up, I might as well see
how my hair turned out.

No! No.

- Oh, no.
- Cured his hiccups, Mind. Thanks.

Mork, look at my hair. It's terrible.

It's supposed to be blond,
but it's green.

Well, you're right, Mind.
Instead of being short and sassy,

- it's kind of short and grassy.
- Oh, no.

What a night. I didn't get any sleep,

my hair is green,
there's a monkey in my bed.

Oh, I wish that darn chimp
had never come here.

- Oh, you don't mean that, Mind.
- Oh, I don't know what I mean.

It seems like ever since
that monkey got here,

everything's been going wrong.

Oh, green hair?

Oh, Mind, Mind, come on, now.
I think you look terrific.

I mean, you can always be like
an Irish debutante.

Or you can be like
a punk prom queen.

- Oh, Mork, cut it out.
- Or you can be Miss Algae.

Mind, come on, now.

Wait. You could be like a good-time girl
for a leprechaun.

Well, I guess I wasn't meant
to be a blond.

I'll just have to buy some dye
in the morning

and change it back
to my natural color.

What, gopher brown?

No, it's closer to woodchuck, I think.

Anyway, I'm gonna go and see
if I can rinse any more of this stuff out.

- Mork, he's gone.
- No, Mind, don't...

- Doc? Doc?
- Doc? Doc, Doc, Doc.

Get in there, shorty,
and no funny business.

- Oh, Exidor, you found him.
- Mork, thank goodness you're all right.

You too, Mork.

I just caught this burglar running
from your house wearing your clothes.

I had visions of you tied to a chair,
wearing nothing but rope.

Not a pretty picture.

- He's not a burglar, though.
- Oh, really?

Then how do you explain this?

My hunch is
they're your family peanuts

and he swiped them.

Lucky for you,
I'm your neighborhood vigilante.

Boulder can sleep peacefully
knowing Brutus and I are on patrol.

- Brutus?
- My Doberman.

- Hello there.
- I wouldn't touch him there.

Well, I'm sure you two
have a lot to talk about.

I'm gonna take Doc
into the bedroom.

By the way,
do you know your hair is green?

Yes, I do.

Did you lose a bet?

- No.
- I see. In that case:

Mork, you're a fool. Don't you see
what's going on right under your nose?

What? Am I growing a mustache?

You'll have to grow a lot more than that
if you're gonna compete with him.

Did you see the way
she looked at him?

Mork, they're in this together.

They're gonna rob you blind
and run off to Rio.

Exidor, you don't understand, really.

Has she ever carried you like that?
Think about it.

Brutus, heel. Heel, Brutus. Heel.

Good dog. Good dog.
Give me your paw.

Give me a paw.
No, no, the front one.

Exidor, I don't think
you really understand.

You see, he's not an ex-con.
He's not gonna run off with Mindy.

- He's a friend of mine.
- Clever disguise.

You can't even see the zipper.

Wait a minute. You see,
his mother was kidnapped

and I'm hiding him here
till we find out where she is.

Have you checked the pawn shops?

Brutus, don't. Heel, heel.

Good dog, good dog.

No, no, you see,
he came from the zoo.

And I can't go there
because they might recognize me,

but, wait a minute, you can go
because you'd be inconspicuous.

That's true.
Just another face in the crowd.

Know when to hold them
And know when to fold them

All right, Doc, how many you want?

None? Pretty cocky.

Oh, okay. Yeah.
I'll take four.

Is that some sort of signal?
One, two, four.

Well, that fills my inside straight.

Well, I call. What do you have?

Well. Four aces, king high.
That does kind of beat a 6.

Just because you cleaned me out,

I'm not gonna show you my centerfold
of Jane Goodall now.

Oh, somebody's at the door, Doc.
Come on, go sit down over here.

Here we go. You wait there for me.

I'm not mad about losing, especially
since it makes you forget your mom.

I'll be right back. Don't worry.

- Hey, Pops.
- Hi, Mork.

I brought over some of Mindy's old toys
like you asked.

So that's Doc.

Yeah, that's the child
that Fay Wray never talks about.

You know, I've never been up
real close to a chimpanzee before.

Oh, don't worry.
They won't hurt you.

- Shake hands with him.
- Shake hands?

No, no, I don't think so.
I have a rule.

Never give a wild animal something
you might want back.

Oh, no, come on, come on, now.
Here, watch this.

Hey, shake hand. Yeah.

You know, I think Mindy's right.

- He should go back to the zoo.
- Come on, now.

You primates sit down
and get to know each other.

- No.
- Come on, now.

There you go. Relax.
I'll be right back.

I'm going to get a couple of bananas.
Don't worry.

You're not gonna leave me
with this thing?

Why? You won't hurt him.

I'm going to talk to you in a kind voice
and move very slowly.

Look, I'm smiling.

If you can understand,
I like you a lot.

I brake for animals.

Hey, here's something
you might like. Look.

See this? This is a tricycle.
Can you ride one?

Well, maybe you can't,
so I'll show you.

Car break down again, Pops?

No, I'm just making a fool out of myself
for my very good friend.

Well, bye, Mork,
and have Mindy call me.

Bye, pal, and thanks for sparing me.

Hi there.

Hello, Exidor. And goodbye.

Nice guy.

My dad used to walk backwards.

- Know what stopped him?
- No, what?

'68 Pontiac.

Well, what's the news?
What did you find out about...?

Excuse me. Ixnay, ixnay.
Impchay amray understanderay.

Doc, come on,
time for a little nap nap.

There we go. Wanna come up?
Here we go, here we go.

Don't you worry.
I'll tell you that story again.

All right, what's the news
about his mother?

- Sit down, I can take it, I can take it.
- My first thought was white slavery.

Then I figured, no, why sign up for that
if I have to go look for a chimp?

Then I ran into a keeper

and he told me they'd rushed
his mother to the zoo hospital.

She wasn't kidnapped.
She was in the hospital.

- What was she in there for?
- Well, I couldn't find out,

except that it's serious.

Oh, no. Oh, if it's serious,
you gotta get there right away.

- We've gotta take him too.
- Hold it, Mork.

There's a posse out looking
for your fuzzy friend.

It seems some fool kidnapped him.

Coast is clear.

You know, Mork, it's not easy sneaking
a hot chimp back into a zoo.

This is only the third time
I've done it.

The disguise worked because
every time I call him Don Vito,

no one bothered to question him.

You know, hospitals give me
the heebie-jeebies.

That's why I quit the doctor biz.

Let's see if anybody's home.

I'm sorry, I can't talk right now.

We're in the middle
of some complicated surgery.

Who was that masked man?

An animal doctor
who shaved off his fur.

Exidor, I better talk to Doc alone.

Doc, now, you and I have to have
a man-to-simian talk for just a second.

Yeah.

You see, I don't know what's wrong
with your mother in there,

but if she doesn't get better,
she's gonna go to a very special place.

It's called animal heaven.

Everything's wonderful up there,
where bananas grow on clouds,

and you can swing from
anything you want.

And Flicka's up there and Trigger
and all three Lassies.

You don't have to worry
about anything, though.

Yeah, I know you're worried,
but, you see,

you'll always have part of her to hold
on to, and that's her love for you.

You were waiting for...? Doc.

The whole zoo's been looking for him.
Where's he been?

Well, he was in Boulder overnight.
We brought him right back.

Well, his mom's had a tough time,
but she's all right now.

- Come on, Doc.
- Hey, goodbye, little fella.

Thanks very much and take care.

Oh, I got a surprise for you.

I'm gonna take you back
to your mama.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Oh, I'm gonna miss that little guy.

I'd like you to meet
Doc's new baby brother.

Baby brother?

So that's why his mom
was in the hospital.

Oh, look at that.

Look at that,
he's got his brother's knuckles.

And he's got Charles Bronson's chin.

Thanks for getting Doc back to us.
Now the whole family can be together.

No sweat. Hey, take care, little:

It's a boy. It's a boy.
Have a cigar. Don't mind if I do.

It's a baby boy.

Yeah, wait a sec.

Hold on, I didn't mean to wake you up.
I'm sorry. Don't...

No, Glenda Faye,
somebody else got it.

Thanks for your help, but next time
I go on a job interview,

it's gonna be with my own hair.

Yeah. Okay, I'll talk to you real soon.

Okay, bye.

- Oh, shazbot, I lost.
- What are you doing?

Playing strip solitaire,
and I'm losing fast.

Oh, so anyway, finish your story.

You didn't get in trouble or anything
when you brought Doc back?

No, I just told them I found him.
The problem is I didn't tell them where.

I guess everything turned out
for the best. I got my hair back

- and Doc's back with his family.
- Yeah. It's a good thing too,

but you know something, Mind?
I really miss that little guy.

You know:

You know, Mind,
I've been thinking, maybe we could...

Don't do this to me, Mork.

Mind, you're right.

I'll never spring another animal
from the zoo, I promise.

I mean, this Orkan has learned
his lesson.

He must have answered the ad,
Mind.

Let me show you upstairs. This is
where you're going for your room.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, oh, Victor Huge-O.

That's not my name.

Well, I'll cut the fat
and get to the meat.

This week, sir, my report
is on the status of animals on Earth.

I assume
they're the respected elite?

Oh, no, sir, that's only on Ork,

according to the decree
by Prime Minister Fluffy.

But some animals have it very good.

They're called pets,
just like Beebs here. Right, Beebs?

Yeah, yeah, you know how that is.

They have it great.

Room and board,
their dish with a name on it,

and all the newspapers
they can read.

Do all animals on Earth
live this way?

Well, no, sir. Some live in places
called zoos, where they're protected.

Do any animals roam free
in their natural environment?

Yes, sir, but they're called game.

Sir, I wonder how much fun
the game would be, though,

if the animals were the ones
with the rifles.

- Tell me, Mork.
- Sir.

Do you think animals will ever reach
the status they have on Ork?

Well, sir, I have faith.
But it'll take some time.

I know that there are some humans
who love and understand animals,

and realize that all living things
have feelings,

even though they don't have the words
to express them.

And on that happy note, sir,
I say good night.

In the words of my friend,
Doc the chimp:

Which means, na-no, na-no, sir.
Until next week.