Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 22 - Reflections and Regrets - full transcript

Na-no, na-no!

Okay, attention, everybody.

I would like to propose a toast

to Mr. Bickley on his birthday.

Well, thank you.

Happy bickday, Birth!

Yeah, um... Well...

my colleagues and
moi have created

the world's first Mork-o-gram,

utilizing the letters
of your name.

Ready?



♪ "B" is for The buddy that ♪

♪ You've always been To me ♪

"I" is for the illusions
you've shattered,

like when you told me the
Easter bunny has rabies.

"C" is for cake. When do we eat?

Why isn't this working
out like I planned?

All right, Morkettes. Plan B.

♪ Da-da, da-da Da da ♪

Happy 50th, Bickley!

That's terrific.

Would the Morkettes
like a piece of cake?

No, thanks, Mindy.

The moment was enough for me.

Well, come along,
little munchkins.



I'll bring some cake to you

at the day-care
center, tomorrow.

You'd better, buster,

or I just may forget I'm a lady.

That was really sweet
of those little girls.

Thanks, Mork.

I didn't have the heart
to tell them I was only 49.

Forty-nine? Wait a minute.

We called your son Tom,
and he said you were 50.

Oh, he confuses me
with Paul Newman.

Hey, look, I'll show
you my driver's license.

That will prove conclusively

that I'm really
only... There, you s...

Oh, my God. I am 50.

Well, welcome to
the half-century club.

So we're 50. So what.

At 50, our lives
are just beginning.

No, but... Yes. If
you were a tortoise,

you'd be just a baby.

Mm-hm. If you were an elephant,

you'd be a teenager.

And if you were a
dog, you'd be dead.

I-I feel like

I've lost a whole year.

I mean, I'm 50.

All those things
I've never done.

What kind of things?

You know, stuff you put off.

Like, well, I've never
read the entire Bible.

I've never seen the Grand Canyon

or Niagara Falls.

You know what really gets me?

I never told my
son the facts of life.

How old is he?

Twenty-seven.

He's probably still up.

Give him a call.

I'll bet he's with some girl,

wondering what to do.

Nobody ever had to
tell me the facts of life.

Guys know. Right, Mork?

Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

Yeah, thanks.

Let's face it, I'm an old man.

So many things I
should have done

and didn't do.

Opportunity raced by

and left me
sniffing its exhaust.

Oh, come on, Mr. Bickley.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, regrets have
nothing to do with age.

We all have them.

You know, things we didn't do,

things we should have done.

Oh, regrets. I've had a few.

But I've... I've
handled them my way.

Oh, what could you
possibly have to regret,

you little pixie pants?

Well... Ooh, bless you.

Well, the fact that...
Well, that my foot

doesn't have a thumb.

That my ears don't
spin in the wind.

That I never found out
who Rula Lenska was.

Hey, you know what might
be really interesting tonight?

If we all shared our
regrets with everybody else.

It'll help Mr. Bickley,

and we'll all get to know
each other a lot better.

Oh, please say yes.

I'm for anything that will
help poor old Mr. Bickley.

Mindy, uh, it's your apartment.
Why don't you go first?

It's always her
apartment. I live here, too.

I only regret that I
don't have her clout.

Mindy, what is it that you
regret most in your life?

Uh...

Oh, I'd really
rather not go first.

Y-You know, kind of shy and all.

Yeah, would anyone
like some coffee?

Ooh, curiosity at
her strange evasion.

Well, then,

I'll go first.

Why did I say that?

This is going to
be embarrassing.

Oh, go for it, Jeanie.

Well...

what I most regret in life...

has to do with a man named Tony.

I remember him.

He was a big guy. Almost 5'8".

He really knew
how to talk to me.

I was kind of quiet
and shy, and...

And I really didn't think very
much of myself at the time.

But what I saw in Tony's
eyes was so much nicer

than anything I'd ever
seen in my own mirror.

Can you imagine...

having somebody make
you feel that special?

How long did you and
this Tony go together?

Two months...

before I found out
he was married.

Married. You mean
he was cheatin' on ya?

Now, wait a second.

That guy, Tony, you
dated him over a year.

That's my regret.

I can't believe this.

My little sister playing
Dallas, in the Bronx.

Mindy, would you
like to go next?

Oh... uh, I'd rather not.

You know, Nelson's
dying to go next.

He is? Yeah.

I bet the only
thing that he regrets

is his little pink eyes
can't stand this much light.

Actually, my biggest regret
is that Glenda stiff-armed me

at the drive-in last night.

Ooh. I told you,

that's not where
the popcorn dropped.

Ooh.

Come on now, Nelson.

There must be something
in that albino soul of yours

that you wanna let
out of there. Come on.

Let it out. Let it fly. Open
up, open up, open up.

Yeah, make us cry.

Well... there is something.

It's been haunting me for years.

I was 15...

That's a good one. Who's next?

And... every morning,
I'd take the bus to school.

The number 26 bus.

One morning, she gets on.

She had the prettiest
blond hair I'd ever seen...

besides my own.

She took my breath away.

I watched her as she sat down.

About the same distance
as Mork is sitting now.

Oh, really? Kind of like this?

Couldn't take my eyes off her.

I kept staring at her, thinking,

"I've gotta meet this person."

But before I could think
of how to approach her,

the bus stopped, and
she got up to leave.

Ding.

She passed in front of
me on the way to the exit.

Mork:: Excuse me.

She smiled politely and...

got off the bus.

My heart was pounding.

I wanted to meet her and
get to know her so bad.

All I had to do was
follow her off the bus

and say, "Hello."

But I just sat there.

The bus pulled away.

I watched her
through the window.

I saw her grow
smaller and smaller

in the distance.

There went my dream.

All right. Well, now,
who's gonna go next?

Mindy?

Oh, I'd really like to,

but I have to get the
ice cream for the cake.

I'll go warm up the ketchup.

Min, Min, Min, I sense
a certain aversion

to airing your regret.

I mean, am I right? Am I wrong?

Why do I ask another question?

There, I did it again. But...

Oh, Mork, it's
just that it's just...

It's very personal.

I'd really rather tell
you when we're alone.

Ooh. Our sense
of intimacy grows.

Well, ever since
I was a little girl,

I wanted to be a dancer.

I always heard music
in my head, and...

And my body just seemed
to want to move to it.

I started with ballet when...
When I was about five,

and I... I just
loved it so much.

And one day, my
father said to me,

"Where's the newspaper?"

And I said, "Over there."

Then I fell on my tutu.

Well, after the ballet,

there was tap and
jazz and modern.

And I just felt so free.

And then Randolph
came into my life.

And you know, he loved to dance

just as much as I did.

I don't think our feet
touched the ground

through our entire marriage.

And then I was alone.

And I haven't felt
like dancing since.

It's not right to close
off a part of you, is it?

Glenda Faye, would
you dance with me?

Oh. You mean now?

Well, I've got the music in me.

Oh.

Oh, no. I don't think so.

Uh, no. Please?

My dad's got a barn. Come on.

Come on.

Oh, no... Music, minstro.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Aah!

Well, uh...

my regret is that women
only want me for my body.

What?

Wanna trade regrets?

It's not funny, Mr. Bickley.

It's a curse I've
had to live with.

Girls only see
me as a plaything.

I have a mind too, you know.

I can't believe this.

I mean, when I'm
on a date, all I hear is,

"Remo, make a muscle."

"Remo, make a muscle."

You know how cheap
this makes me feel?

Hey, look, at heart, I'm
an old-fashioned guy.

I don't know. These days,
all women wanna do is

grope, grope, grope.

I'm tired of being
a phone number

passed around at
the beauty parlor.

You understand, don't
you, Mr. McConnell?

I want a relationship.

I'm sorry, Remo, but
he's already married.

I can't help that God
built me this way.

You know how it feels when
a woman looks at my shirt,

and then whispers
to her girlfriend,

"I wonder if they're real"?

Tragic.

I don't know. I just
pray that, somewhere,

there's some woman
sensitive enough to...

I don't know, see beyond this...

classic shell of a man.

I wanna... I want her to
discover the real Remo.

To reach out for me.

I wanna be talked
to. I wanna be held.

Well, I'm sure there's someone

out there somewhere.

I just hope she's built.

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

All right. Who hasn't
spilled his guts yet?

Let's see, I think it's...

Mr. McConnell and Mindy.

Um, Dad, will you go next?

Yeah, come on. Tell about
the time you were sold

into bald slavery.

Well, there is
something I've lived with

for quite some time.

Even Mindy doesn't
know about it.

Really? What is it?

It happened November 24, 1950.

In Korea.

It was late, and
we were on patrol.

I remember trudging
through the frozen mud

in a miserable five below.

Suddenly, the sky lit
up with incoming shells,

and we all scattered
into the woods.

I'd never seen trees
broken off at the top before.

Or men, either.

Now, the shelling
stopped, and...

I was surrounded
by an eerie silence.

Just then...

I heard the frozen
mud crunch behind me.

I whipped around,

and I saw somebody charge
at me with a fixed bayonet.

Before he could get to me,

I raised my rifle
and I shot him.

And he flew back into
a shell hole... dead.

Mindy, I killed a man.

Oh, but, Dad, you had to.

He would have killed you.

He was the enemy, Uncle Fred.

When he's 3 feet away,
he's another human being.

The look on his
face as his life...

left him...

There are nights
when I still see it.

I just wish I didn't
have to pull that trigger.

If you didn't, Fred, you
wouldn't be here with us.

Yeah, and you never
would have had Mindy.

Mork, you're right. Yeah.

Now I'd probably be
living with Mr. Bickley.

Then I'd really have a
regret to share with you all.

My, some of these
regrets are heavy.

You know, but
they've made me feel

so much closer to
all of you tonight.

It feels really very good.

I never knew exposing myself
was such a warm experience.

Well, it's been an
interesting party,

but it's past my bedtime.

Hey, wait a minute.
Mindy, you haven't

told us your regret.

Oh...

No, no, no, no.
Sh-She has no regrets.

She's led a perfect life...

thanks to me and her Remington.

Come on, Mindy.

Well, see, I... I
really can't, uh...

The door. Oh.

Whew.

Regretus interruptus.

Oh, no.

Mork, is that you?

I-It's me, Exidor.

No, I'm Exidor. You're Mork.

Who is that?

Exidor, the town loon.

I resent that, curly.

I don't live in town.

I'm a valley guy.

I bring bad news, Mork.

It's not going to be
easy. I'd better sit down.

I just got back from the doctor.

Which doctor?

Exactly.

He told me in Swahili, I've
only got 41 years to live.

Here's his note
describing my condition.

"your mama."

Uh... Uh, for goodness sakes,

Exidor, 41 years is a long time.

Easy for you to say, cue
ball. You've got your health.

I'm about to punch out.

That's why...

I plan to spend my
last waning moments...

here in this house...

with my dearest friends.

Imagine our excitement.

I'll just lie down
unobtrusively.

All of you vital people

just go on with
whatever you were doing.

Okay, Mindy. What
are your regrets?

Remo, there is a man
in a robe, lying on us.

I couldn't help overhearing.

What's this garbage
about regrets?

We're all telling each other
things that we regret the most.

Oh, I've got one...

besides the fact that whitey
here has got bony knees.

You know, Mork...
I've been feeling...

really down in the dumps,
since my wife left me.

Well, you must have
been awful shocked

when she bit through
the leash and got away.

I was feelin' really
low there, for a while.

I even let my appearance go.

And then, as fate would have it,

I became attached
to another woman.

Deeply attached.

My regret is that... I
haven't told her my feelings.

Oh, well, then, by all
means, go and tell her now.

Should I, Mork?

Should I run to her
and risk rejection,

not to mention mono?

Yes. Yes, go to her!

Let your heart fly, like
a moth into a blowtorch.

I love you, my sweet!

I wanna have your baby!

Oh, no. No way. Not me.

I see.

Goodbye whitey, shorty, curly.

You too, perky.

You know, Mork,
you're the only one here

with a normal name.

Well, I hate to admit it,

but this has been the best
50-year-old birthday party

I've ever had.

And you've all helped me
learn something here tonight.

Age has nothing
to do with regrets.

I can do all those things
I've always wanted to do,

starting tomorrow.

Who the hell is stopping me?

But tonight, I need my rest.

I've got 50 years of
living, starting tomorrow.

Come on, Frankie.

Let's see if we can beat
these kids to the door.

Well, the guest
of honor is leaving.

It doesn't take the roof
to fall in on my head.

I know the party's over.

Sorry I didn't get to
hear your regret, Mindy.

Oh, it'll keep. Thank you.

Thank you. Good night.

Thanks for coming. Bye.

Thank you.

Real nice to have friends, huh?

Yeah. See ya.

Bye, Remo. Yo, yo, yo!

All right, Mind. You
can tell me now.

What was your regret? Come on.

What was your regret?
Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, okay. Let me sit down.

My regret is...

that my mother had to die

before she got a
chance to meet you.

See, I couldn't say that
in front of everybody,

because... then
I'd have to explain

that I wanted her to know
everything about you, and...

And the fact that I came from
another planet, and everything.

Yeah.

And that you're... as
close to me as she was.

And that you're the most
important thing in my life.

Deeply moved.

Well, my mom would
have liked you, Mork.

I just know it.

I would have liked her too.

Yeah...

I know what I would
have said to her too.

You do?

Sure.

Hello, Mrs. McConnell. Na-no.

That's my way of saying shalom.

Yes.

Um, n... Uh, no, ma'am, I...

I don't live around
here, I live here.

Well... With Mindy, yes ma'am.

Oh, we're very close.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. Not that close.

I don't even know what that is.

But... you see, ma'am...

I'm a...

I'm a... I'm a creature
from another planet.

You know, like Alien.

E-Except that I'm cuter,

and I don't skitter
across the floor like that.

Oh, um, yes, ma'am, I'm single.

Um, you know,

if it wasn't for Mindy
taking in strays,

I would never
have a place to be.

I just wanna thank you

for bringing her
into this world.

Do I love her?

Well...

I want us...

I wanna give her
everything I have,

and spend the rest
of my life with her.

Is that love?

Oh, whew.

You know, it's...
It's kind of funny

that I had to come
millions of miles

to find something
deep inside of me.

I wonder if she
feels the same way.

Yeah, I-I guess you're
right. I should ask her myself.

Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you very much.

I-I-I like you too.

That's what I would
have said to your mom.

I got a feeling you're trying

to say something to me too.

Mork, was my mother really here?

She told me to
give you something.

I love you, Mindy.

I love you too, Mork.