Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 21 - Mindy and Mork - full transcript

I can't believe it.
What a morning to be late.

Oh, I'd like to get my hands on the guy
who invented the snooze alarm.

Morning, morning

Oh, Mind, let me help you
with those suckers.

Come on now, hon. That's all right.
Isn't that lovely?

- Here we are.
- Thanks, Mork.

But I was trying to put the boot on.

Oh, I guess we start off the day
on the wrong foot, huh?

Well, Mind, I'm really famished.
I feel like Gandhi at a McDonald's.

Come on now.

I feel I can eat an aardvark's tongue.
Come on now, Mind.



Sorry, Mork, but I'm production
coordinator on a new show today

and I've gotta be at the studio
in ten minutes.

You could fix me a minute steak.
That'll give you nine minutes to spare.

You're gonna have to
fix your own breakfast today.

And maybe dinner too.
It might be another late night.

Mind, Mind, Mind.
Whoa, red light, whoa.

Stop, kemosabe.

Listen, you want moi to cook?

Yeah, you're a big Orkan now.

I think you can handle yourself
in the kitchen.

And maybe cleaning up
around here too.

Wait a minute, Mind, Mind.
I draw the line right there.

I will not cook, clean or do windows.
I am man. Watch me sit.

Where'd you get that idea?



Robert Petrie, Jim Anderson
and Archie Bunker.

- Who?
- Mr. Television.

Well, Mork, that's a lot of bunk.
TV isn't real life.

Oh, Mind, are you kidding?
Then Ricky really doesn't love Lucy?

Look, Mork, since I've been working,
I just don't have enough time

to do all the things around the house.
I'm gonna need your help.

Enlightened Mork to the rescue.
But, please, don't make me cook,

because I'll get thinner than Ronald
Reagan's environmental budget.

Look, you traveled
200 million miles to get here,

I think that you can pour yourself
a bowl of cereal. Listen, I gotta run.

- Well…
- I'll see you later.

Don't wait up.
It might be another late night. Bye.

Bye-bye. Big kiss, Mindy…

She used to have time for a big kiss.

Now she hasn't even got time
to pucker.

Oh, Mind, I knew you'd come…

Is the lady of the house at home?

Exidor.

Mork, is that you?

Hey, what are we doing
just standing here talking?

Come on in.

My, my, my.
Isn't this a delightful home?

Don't rush me,
I'll get to the sales pitch.

Good morning, sir or madam.

We represent
the Exidor-to-Door Company.

Exclusive distributors
of these thingamajigs.

I'm sorry, Exidor,
but I already have a thingamajig.

All right, all right.
I'll tell him what it does.

And why?

Because this miracle
of modern technology

can do everything a maid can do,
except steal the silverware.

And next week, we're putting out
an attachment for that.

- Amazing.
- Yes.

The revolutionary new
Maid-O-Matic.

Exidor, does this really
make housework easier?

You don't want it?

I know, I know. Go to the hard sell.

You buy this gizmo, or you'll never
see your wife and kids again.

- I'm not married.
- We have an attachment for that too.

Maybe I should buy this.
Mindy says I should be helping her

- with the cooking and cleaning.
- What?

Did you hear that, boys?
The skirt's pushing him around.

- No, she isn't.
- Is.

- Isn't.
- Is.

The vote is 12 to 1 against you.

Well, I guess she is. But all I wanted
to do was make housework easier.

Mork, Mork.
You whimpering washrag.

Pull yourself together.

Who wears the pants in this house?
You or the tomato?

Well, she does.

But, well,
this man's had enough, though.

I'm not gonna let her
push me around,

because I'm gonna be
the best little wifey Mindy ever had.

But I do draw the line
at motherhood.

Boy, housework is a snap.

I don't know what Erma Bombeck's
kvetching about all the time.

Well, let's see.

Oh, here we go.

Oh, look, brown and black,
Mindy's favorite colors.

She won't mind.
It could keep the bugs away.

Let's see. What we do now?

Well, I think I'll make
a little salad for my breadwinner.

There we are. Let's see, let's see.

Instructions. "Put vegetables inside."
All right, let's see.

Hey.

Hey.

Let's see. "Turn on."

Wait a minute! Wait!

Vesuvius. Abandon…

Attention boys,
abandon ship, abandon ship.

Save yourself.

What is going on? Jiminy crickets.

What in the world is going on here,
Mork?

What are you trying to do,
qualify for a federal disaster loan?

Mr. Bickley, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help, and…

It looked easy at the time I was doing it.
Then all of a sudden…like Krypton.

Well, what did you expect?
Housework isn't easy.

It's miserable, backbreaking, repetitive,
unrewarding, non-paying labor.

And look what it's done to my hands.

That's horrible. They look like lobsters
at a tanning salon. Quick, call Madge.

- Mindy made it always look so easy.
- Well, it isn't.

And my wife didn't like it either.

She wanted to get a job,
but I laid down the law.

I told her, her job was to cook
the meals and take care of the house.

After that,
we never had another problem.

- Everything was dokey-okey, right?
- Wrong. She left me.

You know, and I still miss
the static on the TV

when she'd vacuum under my feet.

I don't want Mindy to leave me.

You'd better call her and find out how
to run this place before it's too late.

I'll do that right away.

Five, four, three, two, cue music.

And…

Welcome to Talk to Dr. Lincoln.

A unique call-in program to help you,
the viewer, with your problem.

And now, here's eminent
local psychologist, Dr. Joni Lincoln.

Good afternoon.

For the next half-hour,
I'll be taking your calls,

and hopefully helping you
get your life back on the track.

Our number is on your home screen

and our lines are open,
so please call in.

You'll be glad you did.

And it's a lot cheaper
than an office visit.

There's our very first caller.

Hello, this is Dr. Lincoln.

Dr. Lincoln,
I have been so paranoid lately.

It seems like everybody
is trying to get me.

I see.

And what…?
What is your name, ma'am?

Think you can trick me, huh?

What kind of a fool
do you think I am?

Moving right along.
Let's try another call.

Hello, this is Dr. Lincoln.

Hi, this is Mork.

Good afternoon, Mork.
How can I help you?

Yes, may I talk to Mindy McConnell,
please?

I'll kill him.

Mork, she's a little busy right now.

Oh, that's all right, I'll wait.
I have a canasta game going.

Mork, look,
I have to keep this line open.

Could Mindy call you back later?

Kay-o.

Oh, that's live television for you.

Let's try another call.

Hello, this is Dr. Lincoln,
and your first name is?

A short memory.
It's Mork, remember now?

Mork, I'm sorry.

But this line is in use
for people with problems.

Oh, I know… I know that,
and I've got a real doozy going here.

Mindy can take care of it,
if I could talk to her for a millisecond.

Please.

What is it, Mork?

Mind, is that you?
I can barely hear you, hon.

Can you hear me now?

Yes, Mind, and you look stunning.

How do you get zucchini stains
off the ceiling?

Why don't I help you with that
when I get home?

Bye, Mork.

You're not gonna wave
and throw me a kiss like Dinah?

What does that mean, Mind?

Well, be home early.
And by the way, I love the show.

Especially the part, you know…
That lady should…

Is that a Princess phone?

And now a word from our sponsor.

Oh, Dr. Lincoln,
I'm so embarrassed.

I… I apologize.
It'll never happen again.

You must think
I'm some kind of a loony.

No, Mindy,
but I might suggest that this Mork

come see me at the clinic.

What is it now, Mork?

Oh, Mr. Sternhagen.

Yes, I'll be right in to see you.

I knew it was too good to last.

Mork.

Mork.

Mork?

Oh, there is my lovely, mobile
career woman. Hello, hon.

Gonna have dinner on the table
before we can say Poppin' Fresh.

Say, hi. "Poppin' Fresh." Too late.

Oh, look at this. Got a little
bun in the oven for you here.

Hot potato, hot pota…

Nothing says loving
like something from the oven.

Mork, I almost lost my job today.

Oh, hon, I know work was such
a hard, hard thing today.

Come on. Why don't you
just sit down now and relax?

You just sit down and rest
those little tired bones and tootsies.

- No problem, there.
- Mork, I don't…

Whoa, no, no, no.
There's your little pipe.

Here's the sports page.
I cut a few recipes out.

I hope you don't mind.

And we've got
your little slippers here.

Little teddies on them. Put those on.

You don't know
what a hard day it's been for me.

Trying to put a waxy, yellow build-up
on that floor.

Mork, I don't wanna talk
about the floor.

I wanna talk
about what happened at work today.

Work, work, work.

That's all you type-A personalities
ever wanna talk about.

You don't even think about me.
Nothing to worry about for me.

You almost got me fired today.

You embarrassed me on the air,
and…

And I just want you to promise
that it will not happen again.

So this is the thanks I get
for slaving over a hot stove?

And working my fingers to the bone?

And wasting the best
bleams of my life? Oh, no.

Mork. Look, Mork, calm down.

No, you calm down!

Here I am in this house
cooped up all day,

vicariously living
through your exploits.

Okay, Mork. Look, forget… Forget
I ever mentioned anything about it.

Look, we'll sit down, we'll have
a nice little dinner, just the two of us.

You want your dinner, you eat out.

Mork, come on, you're overreacting.

No. Don't touch me.
I have a headache.

And always remember, Carol,

that one day,
your children will be parents too.

And that's when they'll get theirs.

Bye now.

Well, that wraps up another session.

So until next time,
this is Dr. Joni Lincoln

hoping that all your problems
are little ones.

Are we still on the air, Mindy?

Oh, no, it's over.
I mean, wrap. Let's wrap.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Dr. Lincoln.

I really am. I don't know
where my mind has been lately.

Oh, Mindy, are you all right?

You've been forgetting cues,

and whenever the phone rings,
you cringe.

I know I'm not supposed
to bring my problems to work with me,

but it's the guy I live with.

Mork?

Well, he's just not adjusting very well
to my working.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean
to be laying this all on you.

Oh, please, everybody does.
It's part of the job.

Lay it on me.

Well, it's just that the two of us…

Well, I don't know, everything
got turned around somehow.

- And it was pretty weird to begin with.
- I see.

Well, Mindy, in any household,
when a woman begins a career,

there are always
gonna be some adjustments.

I know,
I went through it with my family.

Yeah, but Mork has over-adjusted.

In one day,
he went from being Ozzie to Harriet.

Could be an identity problem.

Well, Mork shares in the housework,

but I wanna help
with those responsibilities too.

I don't want him waiting on me
hand and foot.

How long have you been
living together?

About three years.

Is your physical relationship
compatible?

Well, I… I guess that…

That all depends
on what you call "compatible."

I mean, we kiss and, you know…
But we don't… You know.

But… But we're compatible.

Well, you know,
Mindy, in any relationship,

it takes more than one person
to make a problem,

and we can talk about a number
of ways to help improve things.

But right now,
I'd rather you didn't say a word.

Why?

Because I think we're still on the air.

I'll be right in, Mr. Sternhagen.

Hi, Mork.

Oh, it's you. How nice.

Did you happen
to see the show today?

No, I had an exhausting afternoon
at the day-care.

We had an artistic problem.

There was crayon
lodged in Mrs. Fowler's ear.

Well, listen.

Today I had a long conversation
with Dr. Lincoln about our problems.

Problems? We have no problems.

We're as happy as two moths
on a porch light, you know:

- Oh, Mork, no, we're not.
- Oh, yes, we are.

- And I'm part of the problem.
- Oh, Mind, you know…

Oh, Mind, Mind.

You don't know what it's like
to carry this all alone.

I thought I was an anchor
around your neck.

I thought I was a hangnail
on the finger of ambition.

Mind, how can we save the shambles
of this relationship?

Dr. Lincoln suggested some ways
that would help us to relate better.

- They're really more like games.
- Games? Why didn't you say so?

I'll be shirts and you be skins.

No, no, no.
They're not those kind of games.

Well, actually,
they're more like exercises in trust.

- Let's start with a simple one.
- All right.

- All right, you stand over here.
- Okay.

- Now, just stand straight.
- Okay.

Now, I want you to fall,
and I'll catch you.

Sounds reasonable. All right.

Right, I'll go along with this, Mind,
but if it doesn't work, I'm walking.

No, that's what it's about.
You've gotta trust me.

- All right.
- I promise I'll catch you.

- You promise?
- I promise.

All right. Custer.

Nice catch, Mind.

Mork, you were supposed
to fall backwards.

I'm gonna get the hang of it
now, Mind.

- Mind, something's not right here.
- Okay. Yeah.

While you're still in one piece,
let's try something else

that might help us
understand each other.

It's called role reversal.
It's where I play you and you play me,

and then we act out a scene
from our normal daily life.

Oh, you mean,
I'll be Mindy and you'll be Mork?

- There are laws against that, Mind.
- No, no.

- I think it could only help.
- Well, all right.

Well, give me till tomorrow morning
to shave my legs.

I have to pluck my eyebrows
and buy some things. I'll be back.

- Morning, Mind.
- Morning, Mork.

Oh, gosh and golly. Late again.

Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind.

Will you fix me breakfast?
Will you, huh?

Will you?
I'm so hungry I could eat Bebo.

Mork, I haven't got time right now.
I'm too busy being a butch career girl.

Hey, wait a minute.
That's hitting below the belt.

And stop it,
you're gonna stretch out my boots.

These are your boots?
I really had to stuff socks in the front.

Oh, Mork,
you're so talented and handsome,

and you have such
great taste in clothes.

Hey, wait a minute. I never said that.

Well, it would be nice if you did
once in a while.

Mork, Mork.

Where are my car keys?
Did you bury them again?

Well, I locked them in the jeep
so they wouldn't get lost.

Did I do good? Did I? Did I, huh?
Do I get gold star?

Absolutely not.

- Mork, come, sit down.
- Sense of impending doom.

Now, here we go.
Let's sit down and talk.

Not… Not on your face.

Now, Mork, Mork…

Mork, I realize you're an alien

that doesn't know his elbow
from his raznick.

Yes, but I never would've done it

without your patience
and understanding.

Oh, really?

Phone.

Hello?

It's Mr. Sternhagen, my boss.

Yes, Mr. Sternhagen?

Yes, I'm still here.

Yes. No, I… I…
I have a little jeep problem.

You're right,
that's no reason to lose my job.

Thank you. Bye, Mr. Sternhagen.

Good news?

I have to be at the station
in ten minutes or I'm off the air forever.

All right, here.

You just have to fix yourself breakfast,
and I'll be home before midnight.

But… But… But, Mind…

Wait a minute, Mork. Wait.

Don't leave without giving me a big…

Kiss?

I've been ignoring you, haven't I?

Well, who could blame you?

I didn't realize
I was that hard to live with.

As a roommate, I'm no John Ritter.

Oh, Mork, you're terrific.

Different, but terrific.

Oh, Mork, our lives are changing,

and we just have to do a better job
of changing with them.

You're right. From now on,
I'm only gonna do my share.

I mean, housework is really hard.

Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna try not to use so much
of myself up at the office

that I have nothing left to give to you.

See, I feel better already.

We're gonna have
to promise each other

that we'll always tell each other
how we're feeling.

You got it.

I feel happy now.

- Well, that's good.
- Yeah, and now, I feel happier.

- Oh, really?
- Now it feels like almost joy.

Oh, it is joy.

Goodbye, joy, hello, ecstasy.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Hello, anybody home?

Mork, I love what you've done
with your hair.

Oh, no, Orson.

Sir, it's me, Mindy McConnell.
Remember me?

I was here a few months ago
with Mork…

Silence. Where is Mork?

What's happened to his report?

Oh, well, sir, you see,

Mork and I started sharing
all our responsibilities lately,

so here I am.

But if you'd really rather speak to Mork,
I could go get…

Just get on with it.

Oh, okay.

See, my report is really about
my and Mork's relationship.

Again?

Wh…? He told you about it?

- What did he say?
- Everything.

Well, he couldn't have, sir,

because a good relationship
is always changing and growing.

But if a relationship works well,
why would you want to change it?

Well, sometimes there's no choice.

I mean, you never know what hurdles
life is gonna place in front of you.

And each one
is a test of how much you care.

And sometimes,
even if you don't have trouble

getting over them, your partner may.

So you either stop and help them over
or you go on alone.

- Did I do all right?
- Not bad for an Earthling.

Oh, that's big of you, sir.

No, I… No, I didn't mean "big."
I meant, that's good of you, sir. Did…?

Maybe we can do this again
sometime soon.

Don't press your luck.

Right.

Well, this is Mindy McConnell
signing off for Mork.