Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 20 - I Heard It Through the Morkvine - full transcript

Don't start without me, Mary Lou.

Hi, it's time
for Shape up with Mary Lou.

First, some simple warm-ups.
Follow me.

There, there.

That should build up your bust.

Oh, yeah, when I left Ork,
I said "Earth or bust."

Now I've got both, yeah.

Now, let's journey
to your inner thighs.

Oh, mondo cellulite. Let's go.

You beginners can sit this one out.

Oh, beginners. Scoff, scoff.



I'll tell you what you wanna know.

Hi.

I'm glad you're home.

- I have something I wanna ask you.
- Mind, I've something I wanna ask.

- Can you get my legs back together?
- What?

Oh, okay, okay.

Don't you ever do that again.

All right, Mind, shoot.

Well, I sort of have this problem
at work.

Mr. Sternhagen, my boss,
wants to give me a promotion

and a chance to do my own show.

Mind, oh, you poor pitiful Mind.

I mean, that is a problem.
How are you ever going to live it down?

Mork, that's not the problem part.



See, the rival network came up
with this new gossip show

and their ratings went sky-high.

So now Mr. Sternhagen is hot to do
one with me as producer and star.

- Are we to the problem part yet, Mind?
- Yes, Mork.

See, it is a chance to move up,
but on the other hand,

I don't know if I can go on TV
and gossip about people.

What do you think?

In order to give you the advantage
of my superior intelligence

and computer-like brain,
I need one minor piece of information.

What's gossip?

I forgot.

Well, gossip
is when people tell personal details

about other people's lives.

For instance, if I told you I was having
a secret romance with Mr. Bickley

and you told someone else,
then that would be gossip.

You and Mr. Bickley?

Oh, Mind.

I mean, even in these
promiscuous times, I shouldn't care,

but I'm always the last to know.

You're not hypoglycemic,
you don't need a sugar daddy.

Come on, now.
Oh, Mindy, all right, I'll leave.

I don't want to be excess baggage
or a third nostril.

Mork, it's not true.

That's the point.
Most gossip isn't true.

It's like those magazines you see
in the supermarket

that tell all those intimate details
about famous people's lives.

Oh, you mean like the ones
that have the ridiculous photos

that no one would believe.

Like ones with a picture of Sonny Bono
getting a standing ovation.

Yeah, also TV has gossip
commentators too. You've seen them.

Oh, yeah, that'd be like
Dan Rather slinging Roger Mudd.

Yeah, I think you're starting
to get the idea.

I mean, how could I make up
stories like that?

I mean, I don't even know
where I'd get stories like that.

Oh, well, maybe soaking
in a hot bubble bath

will make me feel a lot cleaner
about the situation.

- Oh, say hi to Mr. Suds.
- Okay.

If Mindy can't get those stories
and that gossip,

I'll get them for her,
and the promotion too.

Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Hello? Information? Yes.

Hi, I'd like the truth about M♪A♪S♪H.

Yes, is it true that Corporal Klinger
is really Danny Thomas' sister?

Excuse me, padre. Thank you.

Can you tell me
about your latest secret romance?

Oh, that's all right.
I'll read about it in True Confessions.

Or maybe Vatican After Dark.

Thank you, one more. Thank you.

Oh, hello, there.

Potato salad. Thank you.

Excuse me, Ebony. Thank you.

What's my little shutterbug
up to now?

Looking for gossip.
Heard the latest?

- No.
- What is it?

I was hoping you'd know.

Jeanie, I'm telling you,
that guy is a bum.

Nelson,
this is your fifth glass of water.

Why don't you order something
I can charge you for?

Remo, do I sense something personal
you wanna get off your macho chest?

And don't you leave out a titbit.

All right, I'm sorry, but it's Jeanie.

She's dating another one
of those bums,

some ambulance-chasing lawyer.

This guy's got a neck brace
as a hood ornament.

Oh, yeah.

The guy with the license plate
that says whiplash.

That's him.
I'd like to give that lowlife a whiplash.

Will you stop flashing
in my restaurant?

Remo, could we sit down
and talk about this in the kitchen?

- Excuse me, Remo.
- Hey.

Boy, hot flashes and dizzy spells.
There's some great scoops here.

Oh, a cockroach.

There's plenty of room. Don't push.

Garcon, table for 12.

The rest of you wait on the burro.

- Exidor.
- Mork.

Is that you?

Mork,
I've been looking all over for you.

Have you tried my house?

What a novel idea.

Enough of this idle chatter.

Mork, I've got great news.

I've written my life story.

I call it Lauren Bacall: By Myself.

It worked for her.
Why tinker with success?

It screams bestseller.

The answer to your question, Mork.
Sensationalism.

Why, I've devoted an entire chapter
to never dating Shelley Winters.

That sounds hot and heavy.

Can you imagine the movie
it'll make?

But who could play me?

Now, let's see. Fabian's too old.

Benji's too short.

And we can't afford
Suzanne Somers.

On to the burro, boys.

We're off for Tinseltown.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you?

The museum wants to
do me in wax.

They say it stops hurting
after it cools off.

- What am I gonna do?
- Honey, listen, I understand.

It's your decision and it's a doozy,

but what's always worked for me
through the years

is trusting my instincts.

Right.

Thanks.

- If he gets mad, he gets mad.
- He gets mad.

I mean, so that's life.

That's life.

Hello, is Mis...?

Oh, Mr. Sternhagen.

This is Mindy McConnell.

Mr. Sternhagen, I just can't do
that gossip report tonight.

Why?

Well, it's because I feel that…

No, it's because I really think that…

I feel that…

I'm really not feeling very well.

Well, I'm not feeling very well.

Way to go.

Sort of.

Hello, Mr. Sternhagen.
I'm Mork, Mindy's friend.

Where is she?

Oh, hi.

Aren't you Mork, Mindy's friend?

Yes, and I have
all the information here,

great photos
and some fantastic scoops.

Aren't you Mork, Mindy's friend?

Yes, sir, you're two for two now.

- You seem a bit under the weather.
- Do you know what?

You probably haven't noticed,
but I'm a little bit under the weather.

And do you know why
I'm under the weather?

Because Mindy McConnell rained...

Mindy McConnell
rained on my parade.

Oh, no, not little Mindy Sunshine.

No, little Mindy Monsoon.

She called me up,
and she said she couldn't do the show

because she was si…

Because…

Because she was sick.

She don't feel good.

What will this do for her
golden career opportunity, though, sir?

Oh, well, now, just lookie here.

This. Do you see that fern?

- Yes.
- It will be promoted before she will be.

Oh, that's terrible.

Not as terrible
as Dewey Fishbeck's Farm Report.

I have to put that back...
That back on the air

and it never got a rating
until Dewey

tried to milk a bull.

Wait a minute, I've got all the stuff
here, and she'll be ready by tomorrow.

Let me substitute tonight.

You?

Fine.

You have 15 seconds.

Oh, thanks. No pressure.

That was a truce.

And four, three, two, showtime.

Hello, Hollywood.

Well, actually, this is Mork,
alias Tex Tile, coming to you tonight.

Well, we've got an earful for you.
First of all, a flash.

Whoa, watch out.

I have some wonderful things.
Fasten your belts.

I don't know if I can tell.
Gonna be an earful.

I can't tell you.
No, well, I can... No, I can't.

Yes... Well, do it.

Okay, I dragged it out of myself.
Here we go.

What blond bombshell
with the initials Glenda Faye Comstock

is driving what albino lad to drink?

Let's see what we have here?
Behold, behold, behold.

Watch out "Tacky" Tom,
we're coming at you.

Yes, also,
what restaurant owner/best friend

had to stop him
from finishing his fifth?

Well, Remo, Remo DaVinci,
you get a Mork merit badge,

but don't get too attached
to that badge,

because we might be talking recall.

Yes, watch out here.

Why did you play Raging Remo
with your defenseless sister, Jeanie?

Let's see how that fits together.
Watch out there.

We're not talking too much
talky town talk.

Well, what ailing KTNS reporter
likes to sing in the shower?

Perhaps you should ask
her downstairs neighbor why.

Okay.

Well, for all these questions,
I'm sure you know the answers, Mindy.

I hope this brought back lots of colors
to your cheek.

We'll be back, Boulder,
so keep your stations tuned in

and we're gonna dish till dawn.

Terrific, kid. A star is born.

Well.

Congrat...

Congratulations.

I'd have sworn you were Miss Rona
if I hadn't seen your hair move.

- All right, where's Mork the Mouse?
- Yeah, where is he?

- Look, Remo, we're all mad at Mork.
- Yeah.

So let's just calm down, be rational,
and find out how high he can bounce.

That's right.

- Well…
- Oh, hold that pose.

Wait, are we all supri...?

Wait, is this a surprise party for me
just for what I did this evening?

- You…
- Hey!

Hey.

We are all very mad at you.

Why, because you didn't bring the
punch and the cookies?

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Let's not get physical here.

Maybe you guys all should go home
and let me handle this.

That sounds reasonable, Mindy.

I guess we were taking the law
in our own hands.

Besides, it will give me time
to find a taxidermist.

Mork will look great
above my mantle.

I don't know if I can ever call you
snugglepuss again.

Wait, wait, wait.

Was it something I said?

Why do I feel like we're gonna have
one of our little talks?

Come in, please.

Hi, there.

Wanna get wet?

Look, Mr. Bickley, I can explain this.

See, Mork was feeling...

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.

I saw Mork's show,
and I didn't believe a word of it.

But I'm happy to report
that Boulder does.

The phone hasn't stopped ringing.

How nice.

As a famous greeting card writer,

I'm used to this kind of
sordid innuendo.

You have no idea how many fans
out there are after a piece of the Bick.

Yes, I think

we've heard enough.

Well, kids, I'll be running along now.

Well, I'm glad you didn't believe
that silly story.

Not a word of it.

If you're not busy later on,
you know where to find me.

Don't beat me. Don't beat me.
Please, don't beat me

Now do you see what can happen
when rumors get started?

Well, Mr. Bickley was happy, Mind.

He's one out of the whole town.
That's not a great average, Mork.

Do you realize how many reputations
you could have ruined tonight?

Everyone was happy when I told them
juicy pieces of gossip.

I don't even understand why
I'm on the endangered Orkan list.

I mean, it's not fair, Mind.
It's not fair, not fair.

Mork, that's because no one
likes to hear gossip about themselves.

It's all right
when it's about somebody else.

Isn't that a little two-sided?
Walking the two-sided way of life.

No way, double truths.
Double truths, watch out.

Wait a minute.
Let me put it to you this way.

How would you like it if I told everyone
that you ate eggs?

Lying shiksa goddess.

So how does it feel?

Well…

Give me that.

Well, I didn't tell any lies, Mind.

Yeah, but you didn't tell
the whole truth, either.

And sometimes,
half-truths are worse than lies.

How come they do it in the papers
and TV and you were about to do it?

I didn't say I was gonna do it.

I didn't say I was gonna do it.
I just said I got sick.

Isn't that a half-truth?

The point is, you better do something,
or you're gonna lose all your friends.

And I better do something
or I'm gonna lose my job.

- What can we do, Mind?
- I don't know.

But we've got a lot of people
to apologize to,

and we've gotta find a way to do it.

Well, let's start tonight.

I'll go get Mr. Bickley,
and I'll meet you in the shower.

Five, four, three, two, we're live.

Hi, I'm Mindy McConnell
and the show is Rumor Has It.

Today's topic,
What Makes a Good Gossip Report?

To answer that question, I've invited
back yesterday's guest host, Mork.

Hey, hi, you, Ed.
How about that band, huh?

Hey, hey, Doc.
Hi, Snoozy, Lumpy, Squeezy.

Mork was a little late in getting here.

I was a little late. How late was I?

- So late, the rabbit had been dead...
- Why don't we take…

…a behind-the-scenes look

at what goes into making
a good gossip report.

Oh, thank you, what a wildly
spontaneous pre-rehearsed idea.

Thanks for setting me up for that one.
Bless you.

Yes, to continue,

maybe you could tell us, Mork,

what ingredients
go into a good gossip report?

All right. First of all,
you have to have the right costume.

It's very important
to be inconspicuous

when you're out searching
for information.

It also takes the right attitude
and especially, the right questions.

For example. Hey, are you still beating
that dog of yours?

What?

I don't have a dog.

Got fed up and ran away. Hey, so
it's just you and the goat now, huh?

What? What goat?

Oh, there's more than one? Maybe
there's a sheep going, "Not bad."

As you can see, there's no answering
a question like that.

You got it, dog beater.

Could we just continue
with what we discussed?

Like why my stories may appear
to be a little dull compared to yours.

All right,
I'll give you a little example right here.

Pick any story and we'll spice it up.
We'll make that sucker sing.

All right, let's see.
I think I have a story right here.

Okay, here's one:

"Last night, young Amy Prescott
was rescued from a second-story fire"

by volunteer fireman Rob Wilson.

She suffered from smoke inhalation

and had to be revived
by mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"She is reported in good condition
at a County Hospital."

Boring, Mind. Snooze City.

I wouldn't buy that in a
supermarket checkout.

I wouldn't even buy it for the cat.

What would you do
to make that more interesting?

Observe, Mindy,
watch this place sizzle.

Young Amy tells all about
burning desire of second-story man.

Dateline Sizzle City. Watch out.

Last night, while Mr. and Mrs. Boulder
were sleeping,

Rob Wilson's temperature was rising
as he crept into Amy Prescott's room

wearing rubber boots and a helmet.
Watch out.

And all young Amy remembers is his
hot sweaty face looming over her

as he pressed his parched lips
to hers.

Then he roared off in the night
in his long red vehicle,

leaving young Amy to wonder
where, who, why.

You know,
I think I'm beginning to understand.

And you know what?

I don't think I could do
that kind of reporting.

Even if it means my job.

Well, Mind, there's a price
we all have to pay

and I have had
to pay a certain price too.

I wanna ask you all,
what's missing from this picture?

That's right. All my friends.

I just want to say to all of them,

I'm sorry for what I said yesterday
because it wasn't true, and I…

And you're the best friends I have
in the world, and I really miss you.

Nelson, Remo, Jeanie and Glenda.

I'll take a picture next time
and don't be mad.

Well, the choice is yours,
people of Boulder.

Is this gossip
the kind of reporting you wanna see,

or would you rather hear the truth?

We'll be back after this commercial.

Good stand, Mindy.

But I opt for the smut.

The phones are lighting up,
Miss McConnell.

It's your friends.

They like your show,
and they forgive Mork.

Oh, hurray and huzzah.

Too bad you're not working
for them.

Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Sternhagen,

but I just can't do
that kind of gossip reporting.

Then you leave me with no choice.

- Oh, I'll take it, Mr. Sternhagen.
- Mork.

I mean, I've got one more story,
some real dirt, some terra firma here.

Excuse me, sir,
but do you know who this is?

- Where did you get that?
- Let's say I have my sources.

The story goes like this:

What's this Boulder TV exec doing
with this bombshell who's not his wife?

- Then the story gets hot and intense.
- That's my daughter.

Oh, why tell people that
and ruin a perfectly good story?

Yes, I see.

You know, Mindy,
you're right about this show.

That's what I like about you.
You've got principles.

Why don't you take the night off
and I'll carry on from here?

Thank you, Mr. Sternhagen.

Back on.

Good evening.

And welcome to the Farm Report.

- Pork bellies are low…
- Where did you get that picture?

I thought you'd learned.
None of your business.

Oh, you're right.

But you know, Mr. Sternhagen's
daughter is really beautiful.

Yeah, but I don't think she gets along
with her mother well.

Why would you say that?

When Mrs. Sternhagen
came into the restaurant,

her daughter ducked under the table
and crawled out the back door.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, oh, Chubby Cheeker.

Mork, why are we whispering?

Sir, don't tell a soul.

I've got a story
that's gonna make your toes tingle.

Isn't that right, Beebs?

What are you talking about, Mork?

Well, sir, we're talking about gossip.

You know, your rumors,
your innuendo, your hearsay.

This week, I learned how popular it is
with Earthlings unless it's about them.

People like to hear things
that aren't true?

Oh, yes, Your Skinnyness.

I get your point.

But you see, sir, sometimes
these stories can get out of hand.

Earthlings are given a special privilege
called freedom of speech.

But it isn't really free
if it costs someone his reputation.

Are you saying this freedom
must be exercised with caution?

Oh, yes, sir.

It comes with a responsibility
of knowing what not to say

and when not to say it.

Interesting.

And yet you say
gossip is popular on Earth.

Yes, I'm afraid people will always
have an appetite for juicy titbits,

even though most of it
is hard to swallow.

Until next week, sir, bon appetit.