Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 19 - Old Muggable Mork - full transcript

Announcing the red-carpet treatment
for Grandma's return home.

All this is going to be the most exciting
of parties since the inauguration.

Well, I'm celebrating too,
but not quite as flamboyantly.

I'm trying to make Grandma's
favorite dessert, peach cobbler.

It looked so easy when she made it.

A peach cobbler. Can he make me
a little fuzzy pair of shoes, Mind?

I know, that one was the pits, huh?

I'm really looking forward to her visit.

I've got my bedroom all cleaned
and ready for her.

Don't worry about that. I've turned
my armoire into a hospitality suite.

If she can stand
living with my moth collection.



Let me show you.
Don't worry about that.

Come on down, sweetheart, let's fly.
Fly like the wind, fly like the wind.

Let me show you
what I've got for her now.

First of all,
I have a new trapeze to sleep on.

And to make her feel really at home,
her favorite pinup boy…

Thank you, Judy and Cissy,
for that lovely iguana dance of love.

Oh, Mork, that's really sweet,

but I think Grandma
would prefer to sleep horizontally.

Why, Mind? You said
she joined a swinging seniors club.

This is not that kind of swinging.

See, it's a group
of active older people

who believe that life
doesn't have to be dull after 60.

Oh, unless you watch Tom Snyder.

Look who's here.



- Grandma's back and you got her.
- Oh, Gram, it's so good to see you.

Oh, me too, Gram,
that goes double for me.

Mork, back off.

Well, hi, Mork,
how's my favorite spaceman?

Oh, wonderful, Gram.

Oh, bravissimo.
Thank you very much.

Well, this is really a royal welcome.

A banner, a red carpet
and peach cobbler?

Yeah, the kind that Grandma
used to make, I hope.

Can you stay forever?
Can you stay forever, please?

Oh, that's sweet of you, Mork, but no.
I can only stay three days.

And then I'm going on to Vegas.
My group is having a convention.

Yes, and it's her turn
to pop out of the cake.

I only do that for the Shriners.

Come on over here and tell us
all about how you like living in Boston.

Well, Boston is really the best.

Here, you got a little something
on your face.

- There.
- Oh, thanks.

But living with my little sister Mildred
is never easy.

Well, you know how it is
when they're that age.

They think
they have all the answers.

Well, I suppose I was the same way
when I was 70.

But enough about me, now tell me,
what's the poop around here?

Oh, let's scoop.
Oh, we'll dish till dawn.

First of all, Mindy got a job,
I got a job, Carter lost a job.

I wondered why peanut butter
was getting so expensive.

And Brooke Shields turned 40
on her 15th birthday,

coleslaw's hard to reheat, and also,
they put Walter Cronkite out to stud.

Watch out, Grandma.

Well, you did ask what was new.

Grandma, we've planned
a special luncheon for you tomorrow.

We've got a lot of new friends in town
and we've told them all about you.

Not all, dear.
The best hasn't happened yet.

Well, dear,
I do want to meet all your friends, yes,

but, say, I'd better get out
and bring in the rest of my things.

Can I carry your barbells?

Yes, dear, if you're sure
they're not too heavy for you.

You know, honey, your grandmother
has been so sweet to me.

Not one insult all day.

I guess absence
does make the heart grow fonder.

Well, Fredzo,
are you going to give us a hand,

or are you just going to stand there
like a wiener?

Well, and so I told him,

I said,
"Take your hand off my knee, buster,

or you'll land a half hour
before the plane does."

Oh, Mindy, she's such a treat.

Where do you get your spunk?

Oh, I go to a clinic for spunk shots.

You know, Cora,
you remind me of my grandmother.

Yeah,
except you don't have a mustache.

- Oh, Remo, that's not nice.
- Would be if she'd wax it.

Oh, look at her laugh.

Isn't she cute
the way her little cheeks shake?

Mindy tells me
that you're off to Las Vegas

for a convention
of swinging seniors?

- Yeah.
- I don't think I ever heard of them.

Well, we travel a lot
to promote the rights of the retired.

It's something like the Grey Panthers,
only we have leather shawls.

Our slogan is: "Bert Parks lives."

Oh, gosh.

Hey, I feel just like one of the girls.

Excuse me.

Gee, Cora, you know, that sounds
like a really fascinating group.

Yeah, it does.

- It'd make a great subject for a story.
- It would.

Grandma, would you do an interview
with me down at the TV station?

- Me on television?
- Yeah.

There'd be a lot of people out there

who'd love to hear about
you and your group.

Oh, Mindy, nobody's
going to be interested in me.

Well, I'll have to get a new hat.

Mind?

I looked through every nook
and cranny and I couldn't find Granny.

I just don't understand it.

She was just gonna go out
and buy a new hat

then come straight back here
and get ready for the interview.

What are you doing?

Listening for thundering beat
of sensible shoes.

- I'd better just go look for her myself.
- Oh, let me go with you, Mind.

Grandma, are you all right?

Oh, I guess so,

but I never was so frightened
in all my life.

Oh, here, sit down.

- Look at my new hat.
- Oh, what happened?

Oh, children, it was dreadful.

Well, I was just walking
through the park on my way home,

and I was mugged.

Oh, that's awful.

Don't worry, Grams,
you're home now.

Ma'am, we'll do our best,
but don't get your hopes up.

- We can't be everywhere at once.
- I know.

You know, there's so many of them
and too few of us.

I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.
Good night.

- Thank you.
- Good night.

Is that what they call a cop-out, Mind?

You know, that really ticks me off.

Three guys mug Grandma
in broad daylight

and the police
can't even do anything about it.

Yeah.
Mindy, I hope you won't mind, dear,

but I don't feel up to doing
that interview tonight.

- Oh, I understand, Grandma.
- Yeah.

Listen, can I get you anything?
How about a nice cup of tea?

No. No, thank you, dear.

Well, how about some Jell-O
with corn?

No.

No, dear, I think I'll just
go and lie down for a while.

It just hasn't been my day.

Oh, Grams, if you don't like that one,
how about some tapioca with peas?

Mork, thank you, but no.

What's wrong with Grams? It's like
they've let the air out of her life.

- Oh, Mork, mugging's a terrible thing.
- It's too bad it's not like on Ork.

There, mugging is when someone
follows you and goes, "Hey, mister:"

Well, on Earth,
you get roughed up and robbed

and it's really scary.

Why would they wanna do
something like that to Granny, though?

Well, it's much easier
to pick on the elderly, Mork.

They're less likely
to put up much of a resistance.

You know, this is
the only planet in the universe

that has no respect for its elders.

- That's not much to be proud of, is it?
- No.

Well, I gotta go to work.

Boy, I sure hate to leave Grandma
after she's been through all this.

- Don't worry, I'll take care of her.
- Well, thanks.

I'll make sure she's well protected.

I've also realized one thing, Mind.

Granny's a member
of an endangered species.

They're gonna expect me
to fill the time

with an interview at the station.

- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.

Maybe I'll fill it with an editorial.

Yeah, and I think
I have a real strong topic.

- Good luck.
- Thanks.

Cora's still asleep, thank goodness.

What kind of planet
are you running?

If this happened back on Ork,

we'd have those thugs
recycled into bedpans.

Look, here's Mindy's spot.

The following is an editorial
and does not necessarily reflect

the opinions of KTNS television,
or its management.

Oh, boy, wasn't she great?

Good evening, everyone.
This is Mindy McConnell.

And tonight
I had planned to interview

one of Boulder's
outstanding senior citizens.

However,
she's unable to be here tonight

because of a senseless,
unprovoked crime.

She was mugged.

This incident occurred
in broad daylight

in a park where she has felt safe
for over 50 years.

Crimes against the elderly
increase every year in this country.

What is the value
of a longer life expectancy

if we're forced to spend it
behind locked doors?

Well, today my grandmother
was a victim.

Tomorrow it could be you or yours.

I don't have any answers,

but something has to be done
about it now.

We must get involved
and we have to do it now.

Thank you very much.

What a girl.
Boy, that should get some action.

Oh, you're not kidding, Pops.
Oh, you're not kidding there.

Yessiree, bobcat. Boy.

I'm mad as hell
and I'm not gonna take it anymore.

Oh, wait a minute.
What do you mean?

No, sir, I don't have a mother.
That makes me mad too.

What do you mean my mother…?
Oh, that's it.

What happened?
What's all that yelling?

Oh, I'm sorry, Grams.

But Mindy just goosed
my civic consciousness.

She was just on TV, Cora.

Mindy gave an inspiring editorial
on protection for the elderly.

Oh, bless her heart.

But I don't know
how much good it'll do.

It just is not safe outside. I'm scared.

I'm going back to Boston.

Oh, but what about
your swinging seniors?

Well, they'll just have to swing
without me.

I think I'd feel a lot better
under my own roof.

Now, I know you both care, but…

But I just want to go home.

Well, if that's what you want, Cora.
But I wish you'd think it over.

- Yeah.
- Look, I…

- I'm afraid I have to get to the concert.
- Okay.

Excuse me, Grams.

- Is there anything we can do?
- I don't think so, Mork.

She's afraid
and she doesn't feel safe.

Maybe a monthly cheque isn't the kind
of social security she really needs.

You know, the money
those muggers took can be replaced,

but the thing that really burns me up
is they stole her spirit.

And how do you get that back?

Hey, Gram, now, come on,
you can't leave.

That'd be like giving up.

And if you do that, I mean,
then you'll be afraid to go anywhere.

Well, what can I do about it, Mork?
You heard what that policeman said.

Oh, I wish those punks
could be in my shoes

and then they'd know how I felt.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. Time out.

Raindrops falling
on the fertile fields of fair play.

Mork, what are you talking about?

Well, Grandma,
I think I have a foolproof plan.

I just hope I'm fool enough
to pull it off.

Come along, Clara.

Coming, Cora.

You know, dear, I just think
I had a blowout in my Supp-Hose.

Oh, Mork, do you think
this is a good idea?

No, no, no, Cora, it's Clara.
Now, don't let your mind wander, dear.

Don't let it check out
with the baggage again.

Now, if we're gonna catch
these rats,

we're gonna have to spread out
the Velveeta.

Come on now, dear.
And try and act like an old lady. Hello.

Well, I'll try,
but I must admit I am a little nervous.

In fact, I'm scared to death.

Oh, don't you worry.
Now, here, have one of these.

Have a little prune daiquiri.

- No, thank you, Mork… Clara.
- Kidding, just kidding.

Oh, dear, are you sure
you can handle these muggers?

No, dear, you're gonna handle them
just like we planned.

Now, come along, honey,
come along.

I remember what my first husband
Robert said to me before he died.

He said, "Hon…"

My son, the doctor,
he never writes me anymore.

He just sends money.

Lots of cold, hard cash.

You look tired, dear.
Shall we sit a spell?

Oh, honey, let's do that.
Let's just sit. Set right down.

Here we are.
Oh, this bag is so heavy.

Too bad I cashed all my T-bills today.

Sure is a shame to carry around
this much money, you know.

We're talking megabucks here.
I mean, enough to feed, like…

Oh, Mork, I think I see
somebody coming. I'm so scared.

Oh, don't be paranoid, dear.

Oh, it's a mini mugger,
hold on to your bubble gum.

Don't you ladies know
you shouldn't be out this late?

Well, thank you for your concern, dear,
but we're quite all right.

It's dangerous here. I'd feel better
if you let me walk you home.

Now, young man,
don't you worry about a thing

because my friend here
has brass knuckles

and I have an inflatable Doberman
in here.

Now, take a hike.

- Well, all right, but you be careful.
- Oh, we will.

I guess I'll have to get
my merit badge in girl-scout watching.

Dear, this doesn't seem
to be working out, Mork.

Maybe we'd better leave.

Now, Cora, Cora, Cora.
We came here to get mugged

and we're not leaving till we do.

- There they…
- Oh, my God.

Oh, look, it's the road company
from Deliverance.

Hello, boys. Squeal, hug.

Oh, you better hold on
to your wallets,

there are muggers about here,
there really are.

Clara, dear, they are the muggers.

Hello. Welcome to the park.

Come on, Granny,
give me that purse.

No, no. Trust me,
it doesn't go with your shoes.

Hey, isn't this the old lady
from this afternoon?

- Sic them away.
- What's the matter, you old frump?

Didn't you get enough?

Don't you worry, Grams.
Don't worry about a thing.

Give me the bag, you old bag.

Oh, all right, I have a little Orkan
surprise for you in here.

What's wrong with me?

I feel like I'm a hundred years old.

- Me too.
- What?

- Mork, they sound so old.
- Well, they are, Cora.

You see,
I put them in an Orkan age warp.

That way,
on the outside they're young,

but on the inside,
they're celebrating the bicentennial.

Grab them, you guys.
Oh, I gotta sit down.

Well, you just take a little nap

and we'll wake you up when
the Republicans revoke your pension.

No, no. Don't you dare. No, no…

- One down.
- Hand over the watch, Granny.

Oh, no, no, no, please, not that.
My husband gave me that.

Come on, Grams.
You don't have to give them anything.

Remember,
they're in your shoes now.

Now, what was I saying?

Oh, yes, I said let's have the watch.

Stick it in your nose
and blow it out your ear.

Gram, now you… That…

- Gram, I didn't know you knew karate.
- Well, I don't,

but I love Bruce Lee movies.

Oh, Enter the Granny.

I don't know what you've done to us,
but you're gonna pay for it.

All right,
here's a down payment, sucker.

Pick on helpless people, will you?

Somebody grab her purse.
And then carry me to the car.

You hear that, darling?
They want your purse.

Why don't you
just give it to them, dear?

Well, you're absolutely right, Clara.
How rude of me.

No, no, no, honey,
take mine, it's industrial strength.

Look, we got them.
We gotta quit now.

There they are, officer.

Slap the cuffs on them
and throw the book at them.

- Oh, you're a good Boy Scout there.
- Come on, let's go.

Officer. Officer, these men
mugged me this afternoon.

- They did?
- Yeah.

Looks like they picked on
the wrong lady. Straighten up.

- Sure, that's easy for you to say.
- You really roughed them up.

Oh, we did it
in a ladylike fashion though.

You ladies
will have to file a report later.

You got it, blue eyes.

Young man, you deserve
a very special merit badge.

Who needs merit badges?

For this,
I'll make the cover of Boys' Life.

Let's go.

- Well, Clara.
- Well, Cora.

Shall we head on home?

Well, honey,
let's just take a hike ourselves.

All right.

You know,
what a day this has been.

Oh, I better get this girdle back
to Mindy,

it's starting to ride up a little.

Come on, everybody, let's get going.
Cora, we gotta get to the airport

or you're gonna miss
that shuttle to Las Vegas.

Oh, hold your water, Fredzo.

"Fredzo." I'm gonna miss that.

Oh, I'm so glad
to have my wallet back again.

You know, they didn't even wrinkle
that picture of Willie Nelson.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Gram.

Next time you're just gonna have
to stay longer.

- Three days is not long enough.
- No. Well, I promise, dear.

Good.
Come on, Mork, we're ready to go.

What are you doing in that outfit?

It's not the same outfit, Mind,
it's a bolder print.

Stunning.

Oh, you're just jealous
because you don't have legs like that.

- Mork, enough is enough.
- Oh, I know, Mind, I know.

I should've worn the pink because it
would've gone better with the blue hair.

Now, Mindy, don't be hard on Mork.

After all, if it hadn't been
for his dressing up to look like me,

I'd still be in a blue funk.

We owe him a lot.

Well, I guess you're right.
We do owe you a lot, Mork.

After all, you did help Grandma
get her spirit back.

But, Clara, dear, would you please
change the dress for me?

All of you, I just want you to know
that I have a date

with a very wonderful gentleman caller
this evening.

- You do?
- Yeah.

- Oh, coming, darling.
- Oh, no.

Don't spoil it, don't spoil it.

Hi, Clara, you ready?

Oh, yes, darling.

Now, we're gonna be crossing a very,
very wide street, so don't wait up.

Why don't you tell me more
about your grandfather?

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Oh, don't fail me now. Oh, yeah.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, my main mammoth.

Mork, now what's gotten into you?

Oh, spirit's got a hold of me, sir.
Gonna make me dance.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
Come on, Beebs.

You'd be a better dancer
if you had feet, but let's go.

You've been warned
about Earth spirits.

Are you possessed again?

Oh, no, sir.
I'm just dancing to the beat of life.

This week I learned, sir,
that without the right spirit,

you don't stand a ghost of a chance.

How do you get the right spirit,
Mork?

Well, most earthlings
are born with it, sir,

but the hard part is to keep it.

- How do people lose it?
- Well, in this case, sir,

old people are sometimes ignored,
or they're pushed aside,

and most of all, sir,
they're targets of abuse.

They don't really lose it
as much as it's stolen from them.

- That's criminal.
- I know, sir.

It's my theory, sir,

that old people have made
a major contribution to society

and they deserve a better return
than just half-price at the movies.

If we really wanna make
their years golden

I think we should pay them
with our gratitude and respect.

Until next week, sir.