Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 3, Episode 1 - Putting the Ork Back in Mork: Part 1 - full transcript

Oh, Dad, it's so good to have you back.
How was your trip?

Well, Baltimore was okay,
but after two months in a hotel room,

I was ready to come home.

From the clippings you sent, it sounds
as if your orchestra was well received.

Yeah, it was great
to hear all those people

coming out of the concert hall
whistling Stravinsky.

So how have things been going
around here?

- Not so good, Dad. It's Mork.
- It's always Mork.

No, wait till you see him.
He's really changed.

- In what way?
- You wouldn't believe it.

It's the last thing in the world
you'd expect from Mork.



How much could he change?
Unless he's grown another head.

Kitten, I'm home.

Another day…
Another day, another inflated dollar.

Hello, hon. Big kiss.

Fred, really good to see you.
How are you?

How's Baltimore?
I hear it's quite a little town, eh?

Was it hot enough for you?
How about all those dead toads?

Well, what's for dinner, hon?
I hope it's that mock pot roast again.

What she can do with a cracker.
Watch out.

Let's see in here.

Another big kiss.

He seems fine to me.

Almost normal.

But that's the problem.
He's too normal.



Mayonnaise. I can't get enough of it.

Really good to see you, Fred.

He used to say "na-no, na-no".

Oh, none of that immigrant talk
for me, hon.

- Hey. You got a haircut.
- I got them all cut.

My broker told me that one.
Oh, what a mind, what a mind.

Well, Fred,
how do you like this new suit?

Yeah, I was just admiring it.
I have one just like it.

Doesn't everyone?

What kind of a host am I?
Some kind of bozo.

Can I get you a cocktail?

How about a little Campari and Tab?
How about that?

It's incredible.

No, no, no. No, thanks, Mork.

- It's not Mork anymore, Fred.
- Wait till you hear this.

It's too ethnic. Call me Morrie.

A spaceman named Morrie.

I'm working with children now, Fred,
at a daycare center, you know,

because I think
they're the future of America,

tomorrow's Republicans.

Daycare center.
That sounds interesting.

Well, it's a start, Fred.

Besides, we've got our future
to think about, right, hon?

Right, Morrie. Morrie.

Oh, Minnie. Morrie and Minnie.

Sounds like something you'd see
on the TV, doesn't it?

- Do you play canasta, Fred?
- Canasta?

Mindy, I wouldn't worry
about this fella.

You know, I used to think
you were strange and peculiar,

but now, gosh,
you're just like one of us.

Yeah, but, Daddy,
he never does Orkan things anymore.

Like, he completely stopped drinking
with his finger.

That's an old-planet custom, hon.

And I've also stopped spitting
with my toe.

Besides, who wants a lot of drool
in your socks?

Well, I've gotta be getting home.

Cathy is fixing a meat loaf
for dinner tonight.

My favorite.
Here's a little tip for you, Fred:

Try it with ketchup.

Hey, how about tomorrow,
maybe you and I will play a little golf?

- Well, I'd like that.
- And we'll talk about some politics.

Do you really think that Earl Scheib
does Ronald Reagan's hair?

Honey, goodbye.

And trust me,
everything is gonna be all right.

It's gonna be wonderful.
I'll see you on the first tee.

Fore.

Oh, Mindy, now I understand
where you inherited your zest for life.

I think I'll just relax, watch a little TV.

- Can I talk to you for a minute, Mork?
- Oh, not right now, hon.

Merv's gonna sing "My Way"
underwater

with an Aqua-Lung
with Jacques Cousteau.

I'd like to see Phil Donahue do that.

Well, it's kind of important.

See, it's sort of been building up
for the last couple of weeks.

I don't really know
how to put this into words,

but you've just changed so much.

- Now, hon...
- You're just like an Earthling.

- Oh, big kiss.
- No.

I'm just afraid that there's
something going wrong between us.

Oh, what can go wrong, hon?

We've got the whole night
planned out here.

Look, we'll start off
with That's Incredible!

And tonight Bo Derek
is gonna try to count to ten.

Oh, look.

On Lou Grant,
he's gonna change his shirt.

Watch out.

Oh, and on Quincy,

"Quincy falls in love
during an autopsy."

Well, that's a dead giveaway.

Big kiss.

Mind? Mind, hon.

Kitten, what you doing up?

What's wrong, Mind?
Mind, you're crying.

You used to say,
"Your eyes are leaking."

I did?

Oh, Mork,
when you first came to Earth,

you were so exciting,
so different and special.

But I think that I've ruined all that.

Oh, no, I'm still the same. See?

No, it's my fault.

I'm the one who told you
not to act strange in public

and not to sit on your face

or not to feed the pigeons
with a fork.

Oh, that was great, Mind.
You taught me a lot.

Oh, Mork, don't you see?
I taught you too much.

I've created an Earthling.

Yeah, I guess that's me,
Morrie Q. Public.

Because of me, you've lost everything
that made you so wonderful.

You think so, hon?

Oh, Mork, we've got a big problem.

I've had to make
a really tough decision.

I don't think you should live here
anymore.

- You don't?
- No.

Maybe if you're out on your own,
that special quality might come back.

There's gotta be something
we can do.

I mean, there must be someone
who can help us.

There's no one on Earth
who's even gonna believe us.

Wait. There is one person.

There is someone who can help us.
Stick your finger in my ear.

- I beg your pardon?
- No, no, Mind.

I mean we're gonna talk to Orson,
you and I both.

But first,
I've gotta plug you into my mind,

so stick your finger in my ear,
hold my nose.

You mean I'm gonna go with you
into your head?

- Into your mind? Can I do that?
- Well, there's plenty of room.

Oh, this is very strange.

Well, you should have seen
the old way.

Hold on. Mork calling Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Now, I think that's how it goes, yeah.
Come in, big buddy.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

I mean, who'd ever believe this?
I'm inside an actual head.

It just doesn't seem possible.

But here I am, Mindy McConnell,
who's never even been to New York.

Silence.

- Somebody else is in here.
- Oh, it's just Orson. See?

Sir, I brought my friend Mindy
to talk to you.

An Earthling in your mind?
This is highly unusual, Mork.

I know that, sir, but it's very important.
I couldn't do it by myself.

I seem to be losing my Orkan-ness.
Tell him, hon.

Hi, sir.

- Orson.
- Orson.

- Sir. Obesity.
- Sir.

- No.
- No.

See, the problem seems to be

that Mork has been around me
so much, he's…

He's become
too much of an Earthling.

Is that true, Mork?

- Yes sirree, bob.
- This is very serious.

It sounds like you're afflicted
with observer syndrome.

What's that?

It can happen when an observer
spends too much time

on another planet.

He starts to become
like the creatures there.

Unless Mork can be cured,
he'll have to be ostracized.

Ostracized?
Does that mean, like, cast out?

He will be returned to Ork,

where he will be stripped of his name,
his honor and his uniform.

Then he will be sprayed purple

and doomed
to wander his homeland forever

as a fallen Orkan.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, it's awful, Mind.

No one ever talks to you
when you're purple,

and the police always hassle you.

- What have I done?
- Perhaps irreparable harm.

- But you said there was a cure.
- Possibly.

I'll have to arrange for Mork
to be visited

by the most exalted elder on Ork.

He is very old and very wise,

and he knows all there is to know
about Orkan culture.

If anyone can possibly retrain Mork
in Orkan ways,

it's the Ancient One.

It's gotta work, sir.
I don't wanna be purple.

Orson signing off.

Well, goodbye, sir.

- That's "na-no, na-no."
- Really?

I will tell the elder to pack quickly.

That's right, Dad, you heard it.

I was inside Mork's mind,
and I actually talked to Orson.

Well, yeah, he said
that he's gonna send down an elder.

Yeah, a very wise and very old man

who's gonna try to teach Mork
how to get back to the way he was.

If it doesn't work,
they're gonna paint him purple

and I'll never see him again.

He's at work at the daycare center.

It might be the last time
he gets to see his little friends.

All right, little neighbors,
let's gather round the neighborhood.

Come on, here we go.
Let's go sit around Mr. Table.

We have another story today.
I'm sorry about yesterday's story.

That was one by Stephen King,
and nap time didn't go very well, did it?

Okay, today we have kind of a fable.
That's kind of a funny story.

Once, a long time ago
in a faraway land...

Maybe even a planet, I don't know.
Let's just leave it at that.

...There lived a little fuzzy creature
named Crom.

And he lived in a little hole,
kind of like a condominium.

And one day,
a big fuzzy lump-lump came

and knocked on the door
and said, "You have to leave."

So, what did you say?

- How'd you know it was me?
- Because you're fuzzy.

You got me.
I'll give it to you straight from the hip.

I've got problems, real problems,
and I need your help.

- We'll help you.
- Yeah, we always do.

Let it out, big guy. It's eating you up.

Thanks, Lola.

All right. Well, it's…

- It's Mindy.
- I knew it, girl troubles.

Girls are always trouble.
Put a snake in her bed.

Show some sensitivity.
The man's got grief.

Yeah.

Well, see, Mindy wants me to leave,
and I don't want to.

Leave?
Why would you have to leave?

Well, it's kind of like…

You know when you put pudding
in the icebox for a long time

and it gets real hairy?

Forget that one.

And don't tell Mommy and Daddy
I told you that one either.

Okay.

Well, I used to be one way,
and now I'm something different.

Kind of like when root beer goes flat,
you know?

Well, I wanna find out,
well, how I was.

- I don't understand.
- Me either. When do we eat?

Not now, Stephanie.
Uncle Morrie has the floor right now.

Stuff it.

We'll have to pluck a lot of the petals
off your courtesy flower.

Basically, I want to find out,
well, what I was like before.

We'd like to help you, Mork,
but we don't know how you was.

Yeah, we just met you
when you came to work here.

I know.

Why don't you ask Mindy
what you used to be like?

Well, I did, and I can't see
how anybody could be like that

and not be coming in
on three engines.

You could find out
what you were like

from other people
who knew you before.

- You mean, like, ask my friends?
- Of course.

One person
isn't an accurate sampling.

Poll your friends
for an in-depth profile.

That's an excellent idea, Lola. I…

Can I ask you one question?
Are you dating Walter Cronkite?

Good luck, Ancient One.
You are Mork's only hope.

Well, how do you like the place?
Did you catch the sign out front?

DaVinci's. I named it for us.

- Tell them your new slogan, Remo.
- Sure, sis.

DaVinci's Restaurant:
Have your last supper here.

- That's really artful.
- Thanks.

- Where do you get those ideas?
- Yeah, well.

I have a problem.
I'm taking a little opinion poll.

Do you remember
what I was like before?

You don't wanna know that.

Well, I always thought you were fun,

kind of unpredictable, silly.

- Goofy.
- Remo.

No, no, I meant nice goofy.

Oh, I see. Goofy with a side of nice.

- A little restaurant humor.
- Yeah.

Hi, Nelson. Table for one?

Well, actually,
I'm supposed to meet a friend here,

the Widow Comstock.

A woman in black?
She was sitting right here.

- I think she's in the washroom.
- That's her, poor thing.

She misses her late husband
so very much.

- She's in mourning.
- Oh, no.

I've got a woman weeping
in my new bathroom.

Nelson,
can you help a friend in need?

Sure, Mork.
Come, let us sit together.

Thank you.

Nelson, I'd like to get back
to my former self.

I mean, the way I was.
I mean, you did it.

- What's the secret?
- I had to.

Losing that election showed me
what kind of a shallow person I was.

So I joined this group
that's teaching me to think positive

and feel good about myself.

Oh, Nelson, here I am.

Mork, I'd like you
to meet the Widow Comstock.

- Hi, Mork.
- Hi, Wid.

Oh, that's cute.
Nobody's ever called me Wid before.

But then, I've only had the title
for a few months.

You see, we were assigned
to each other from the group.

Kind of like the buddy system.

She reminds me to think positive,
and I remind her not to feel grief.

Oh, I see. You buoy up the girl.

Nelson has given me
the moral strength to go on

after my husband, Randolph…

Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you, Nelson.
It's been a tortured four months.

But Randolph made me promise
that if he ever went before me,

I would never lose that special sparkle
he cherished so much.

The skiing, the sailing,
the mariachis at midnight.

What's the matter?

Your face.

There's something about it
that reminds me of Randolph.

Oh, is this one better?

Oh, I don't mind being reminded.

In fact, every day,
I wear black in memory of him.

- That's why I'm wearing this.
- Was that one of his?

Mork, this brave woman
has truly inspired me

with her spontaneous vitality.

You're spontaneous.
That's what Mindy wants from me.

She want...
Are you really spontaneous?

Oh, I don't know.

Nelson, let's skip dinner
and dune-buggy to the border.

Yes.

That's it.

Let's see, we've got weird,
unpredictable,

goofy with a side of nice, yes.

Oh, no wonder Mindy misses me.

Well, I'm gonna get ready now.

New Mork, new Mork

That's it.

I've got to tell her.
New Mork, new Mork.

- Mork, what are you doing?
- Waiting up for you, hon.

- What?
- Oh, nothing, titter, titter.

I'm just being a little silly,
unpredictable, wild and goofy,

like my friends said I used to be.

Here. Here's a little goofy:

Mindy, how come
you only have three fingers?

Mork, are you trying to...?

No, no, Mindy,
you haven't seen spontaneous yet.

Mind, let's take a bus all the way
to Denver and have a lot of daiquiris.

- Come on.
- No, Mork.

Mork, Mork, Mork.

Oh, Mork. Mork, this isn't you.

Don't you see?
You're being too obvious.

- It's not gonna fool the elder.
- Yeah.

And you don't have to perform for me.
I'm your friend.

I just wanna try to help you
to find your old self.

Yeah, but I guess
I've run out of places to look, Mind.

I'm just sorry I couldn't be grateful
for what I had.

I'm sorry I let it get away.

Oh, Mork,
I don't want you to be purple.

What a strange thing to say
to somebody.

What's that?

Either Led Zeppelin's playing nearby,
or he's here.

- The elder?
- Yeah.

- The Ancient One is here.
- Mork, what do I say? How do I act?

Just be very respectful
to the old coot.

Okay.

It's all right, remain calm,
remain calm, remain calm.

Stop your moving.
What's happening?

Mind, he's older than I thought.

Your Eminence.

Your Eminence, he who knows all.

He's speaking
some kind of foreign language, Mind.

- I think it's Orkan.
- Oh, of course.

- What's he saying?
- I was hoping you'd know.

- Does he speak English?
- I'll ask him.

Do you speak English?

Perhaps he didn't hear you. Please.

I can speak any language I choose.

Mork, I don't get it.

You said somebody very old
was coming.

How old are you?

Seven microbleams,
or in Earth years,

eighty-six.

Eighty-six?
He looks like a 10-year-old kid.

On Ork, the aging process is reversed.
It's kind of like Dick Clark.

You see, we are born in a test-tube,

fully grown, gray-haired
and wrinkled.

That way, we are treated with respect
from day one.

And baby-shoe bronzing
is really expensive.

Now, as we grow older,
we start to look younger.

We get smaller and cuter.

And that way, all the people
wanna keep their old folks at home.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

In a weird sort of way.

- Let's get on with the training.
- Oh, all right.

According to the meter,
you're only 17 percent Orkan.

Mork, if you are not a full Orkan
by the time I am finished here,

you will be ostracized.

Oh, no.

The disgrace, the shame
and the shande of it all.

To be purple.
To be purple in winter too.

Purple doesn't go well
with goose bumps.

Is there anything I can do to help?

You've done enough, culture sapper.

- Go away.
- What?

Wait a minute, buster,
this is my house.

- Who do you think you are?
- My name is:

- I beg your pardon?
- I think he said his name was:

- What a rude planet.
- You turned him into an Earthling.

Now, leave us alone
so I can put the Ork back in Mork.

- She meant no harm, Your Eminence.
- She robbed us of an Orkan.

Oh, Mork, he's right.
I guess I have done enough already.

I'll just go back and wait in the room.
Good luck.

- Big kiss.
- Not now.

- I feel really bad for her, sir.
- Orkans do not have feelings, infidel.

Now, we shall begin
with something basic.

- Hit your head against that wall.
- Right.

I do not know any Libyans,

and I have not yet
cashed the cheques.

- How did I do?
- Incorrect.

You did not say "shazbot". Again.

Howard, I lost. It was my thyroid.

Wrong. Pain first, "shazbot" second.

Right.
I can see why you're the elder.

Again.

Let's move Laverne and Shirley
to Thursday night, okay?

Try it again.

You mean there's really another Orkan
up there?

Yeah. Oh, Dad, it's crazy.

They've been unloading a whole fleet
of cargo eggs

and taking strange-looking stuff
into the attic.

You're living with two Orkans?

Oh, Dad,
if Mork fails his Orkan training,

I'll never forgive myself.

He'll make it, honey.
He's doing it for you. You watch.

Soon he'll be the same fella

who used to lie on the lawn,
shampooing caterpillars.

Well, I just feel so helpless.

I mean, he's going through so much,
and I can't even be up there with him.

- Why not?
- Because that old coot won't let me.

Well, honey, if Mork needs you,

maybe you should be up there
to help him.

Well, yeah.

But I feel like an intruder
in my own house.

And who knows what's even arriving
in those eggs?

You sound like you're a little scared.

I am, but I'm scared for Mork,
not for me.

I mean, he just might fail that test.

Well, it never hurts
to bring an apple to the teacher,

if you know what I mean.

Yeah.

If you want me to,
I'll go up there with you.

No. No, thanks, Dad. He's my alien.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, well, I guess I can go, then.
All right.

Now, look, if you need me,
I'll be home hiding under the bed.

Bye.

Stop.

It's a pure Orkan environment
up there,

and you're not going to spoil it.

Listen:

See, you and I
have gotta have a little talk.

Now, I care about Mork,

and I want him to be Orkan again
just as badly as you do.

I mean, I think Orkans are great.
They're terrific.

But you just gotta let me help him.
Do you understand?

- Pardon me.
- I can't take this excitement.

I'm not a young man anymore.

- All right, you may go.
- Thank you.

But you must not contaminate
what we have up there

with your Earthliness.

Put this on.

- Is this gonna fit me?
- One size fits all.

Yeah.

Well, I'll be back there, putting it on.

Up the stairs, down the stairs.

This planet's rough on old people.

Oh, hello.

You must be one of Mork's little friends
from the daycare center.

What's your name?

Listen, you little…

Leave here at once.
This is no place for children.

- What are you, a wise guy?
- Very.

How would you like to go for a ride
in my Cuisinart?

How do I look?

Hi, Mr. Bickley.

Listen, I came up here
to complain about the noise.

Can't you play dress-up
a little more quietly?

Where'd you get your outfits?
Frederick's of Mars?

They're cute at that age. Let us go.

But I must warn you,
your upper level has been transformed

into a world
no Earthling has ever seen before.

What's happening, my man?
Looking good.

- I don't believe this place.
- Quiet. He's on the na-no machine.

- Hi, Mork.
- Hi, Mind.

Wrong.

Big na-no, Mind.
He's firm, but he's fair.

Oh, you look good in Orkan threads.
I didn't know they made them in cadet.

What's happened to this place?

You'd never even know
we were in the attic.

Oh, griblitch means
he's on a break, Mind.

Those elders have a tough union.

Well, let me show you around.

- Wow, it's really fantastic.
- Shucks.

What's that? What's that thing?

That was Orkan words of wisdom.
It'll come around again.

See, here it says:

Which means,
"Life is like a Kusshhbaya."

- Deep, huh?
- Yeah, I'll bet.

Let me show you a picture
of where I grew up.

You mean
this is what Ork looks like?

Well, some of it.

They tore most of it down
to make swamps

when they found out earthquakes were
an allergic reaction to condominiums.

It's even prettier in the fall.

It comes so quickly too.

You too. There it goes.

- That is amazing.
- Well, the artist is really fantastic.

You should see one of his sunsets.
Here comes one now.

Look at that.

Listen, Mind. Crickets.

Those are the three moons of Ork:
Lumpy, Squeezy and Jo-Jo.

Oh, Mork, are all these things
helping you to become more Ork-like?

Oh, they sure are.

They all remind me
of things back home,

especially my pet noggachomp.

Well, noggachomps
are the number-one pet on Ork,

even more popular
than cocker frenkles.

Mine's the cutest little one of all.
Here, let me call him.

Bebo, come here, boy.
Come here, Bebo.

- I think he likes you, Mind.
- Yeah, as a friend or a munchy?

No, don't worry, hon.
They only eat hair and rugs.

That's why political candidates on Ork
have to be real careful.

- Well, call him off.
- Oh, okay. Here, Bebo.

I don't know whether he's coming
or going most times.

He's gonna dance with me.
I missed you, boy, I missed you.

- Oh, it's a boy?
- I don't know.

I've never had the nerve
to turn him over.

Yes, Your Eminence?

Break's over, Mind.
Take a hike, Bebo.

- Next phase.
- Sir.

You will relearn
your Orkan pledge of allegiance.

Put your hand over your hearts.

I pledge allegiance to my planet.

The rest of the known universe
can can it.

- Mork.
- What's happening?

- What's happening?
- What was that?

Killer Naugahyde.
We call it the sizzler.

It probably thought
you were a Malibu chicken.

It was really hot.

- It was like it was trying to fry me.
- That's all right.

You can only sit down
if you have asbestos shorts.

- You're safe now, though, Mind.
- Get away from him.

But she needs me, sir.

Yeah, wait a minute,
you don't under...

Mind? Mind?

She checked out
and took the baggage too.

You froze her.

You're more concerned about her
than you are about being an Orkan.

It's no use.
Your training can't help you.

You're going back to Ork now.

- No, sir, I can't leave Mind.
- You must.

After all these years,
you'll never know that I said goodbye.

Big kiss.

No, sir, I can't leave Mind.

We'll build you another one,

a more advanced model
with a power seat.

No, no, no, sir.
See, there will never be another Mindy.

You underestimate technology.
We must go.

No, sir, you don't understand.
Mindy's...

Blasphemy.
An elder understands everything.

You young people have no respect.

I meant no disrespect,
Your Fogyness.

If I can only show you
what a Mindy is,

I'll kiss your tiny feet
through your sensible boots.

All right, but be quick about it.

See what's different
is that she has qualities

that we Orkans don't have.

Sometimes she's happy.

- Sometimes she's sad.
- Mork.

Sometimes she's fun-loving.

Oh, you kid.

Sometimes she's inquisitive.

Mork, how did you get your tongue
through the keyhole?

But most of the time, she's caring.

She's caring.

She's really caring.

- Is something stuck?
- Yes, sir. Me on Mindy.

Strange concept,
yet it has such a hold on you.

Well, sir,

you see, that's why
I've got to be an Orkan, sir,

so I can stay here with her.

I mean, she means more to me
than anything in the known universe.

I mean, is there anything we can do?
There must be something.

Well, there is.
No, it's far too dangerous.

Oh, sir, I'll risk anything.
I'd even shave with a live weasel.

I haven't done it in many bleams.

It's horrendous.

It's terrifying, a last resort.

I'm too old even to consider it.

But maybe with her help…

- What happened?
- With her help, I can possibly do it.

Do what?

There's a remote possibility

that I might be able
to pull the Earth spirits from your body

with the Ritual of the Sacred Eggs.

The Ritual of the Sacred Eggs,
Mind.

Oh, gasp, choke. Extreme fear.

Everything pulses through my body.
Mind, he's an 'eggsorcist.'

With this ceremonial egg,

I will attempt to remove
the Earth spirits from his body.

- I only hope I'm strong enough.
- Why? What's gonna happen?

It's not going to be pleasant.

Wouldn't you feel more powerful

if you were upstairs,
in your own environment?

No, we must
fight the Earth vibrations off

where they're most powerful.

That's why it's so dangerous.

Earth behavior, begone.

- Oh, Mork, are you all right?
- Mork's not here right now.

Morrie's the name,
Earth creature's the game.

What do you mean,
my credit's no good, Lord?

Your grandma writes bad cheques
at Macy's.

The Earth spirits won't let go of him.
I must try harder.

- Begone.
- Get that thing away from me.

The next time you get that near me,
there'd better be pantyhose in there.

Why? What are you doing?
You're a gnarly little geek, aren't you?

No, no. Oh, no.
Oh, for sure, for sure.

- Begone.
- For sure, for sure, for sure.

- Begone.
- Mom, get me a Twinkie.

Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty.

There goes the kitty. No.

Hey, nice to be here in Vegas.
Nice to be here in Vegas.

Goodnight. I know what to say.

Hey, are you sure?
You wanna go for a ride?

No, come here.
I don't know, I don't care.

Where would this country be
without this great land of ours?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

All I want is a condominium
with a view,

a condominium with a view.

I shall return. I shall return.

- Begone, begone.
- I shall return.

They're just tapes, they're just tapes.
Hide them, hide them, hide them.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em.

Well, do something.

I can do no more. It's up to him now.

Oh, no.
Oh, Mork, please come back.

Mork? Mork.

- My name is Mork from Ork.
- He's back.

The Earthly spirits seem to have left.

Let me help you up.
Are you all right?

Oh, Mind, I had this horrible dream.

I dreamed my head spun
all the way around

and I spit out Linda Blair.

Let me help you. Let me get this off.

Look, your hair's growing.

I'm back to my roots.
I'm back to my...

Thank you, Your Geezerness.

He's just the way
he used to be, right?

The Ork-o-meter will tell us that.

There's no place like home.

Only 93 percent Orkan. You failed.

Prepare to leave for Ork
to be ostracized.

Oh, no, it can't be.

No, Mind, we cannot question
the wisdom of an elder.

- Can we?
- No.

See?

Mind, something's
knocked the…out of:

Mind, he said the ritual
would be dangerous,

and yet he still did it for me.

- And you did it for me.
- Oh, and you did that for him.

You know, life would be a lot simpler
if we were selfish.

Let's see if we can get him
to drink some juice.

Here. Let me, sir.

There we go.

- Oh, yeah, I forgot.
- It's all right.

He's not drinking.
Maybe I should fix him some soup.

No, no, the noodles would get caught
in his fingernails.

Oh, good, he's drinking.

- What's he saying?
- It's Orkan for:

He'd like a frozen daiquiri,
and what's your sign?

I was about to take Mork away,

and you wanted him to stay.

Why did you help me?

I had to. You needed someone.

As a wise elder,

I have never uttered
these words before:

I don't get it.

Well, it's…
It's called caring, Your Eminence.

Strong medicine.

I think I'm beginning
to realize what a Mindy is.

Well, at least you understand that, sir.
I'm ready to leave now.

- You're not a perfect Orkan.
- Spare me.

And the rules say
I must take you back.

- Rules are rules, sir.
- True.

But you are not playing the same game
down here.

- You both taught me that.
- I don't understand.

Puzzlement,
a sense of disorientation, sir.

Perhaps if you were any more Orkan,
you'd be of no use as an observer.

- You'd stick out.
- Yeah.

Like me. You belong here.

- You mean he can stay?
- Yes, oh, soft-lapped one.

Thank you, sir.
Jubilation, 'shiksalation.'

Oh, fern. Fern, I'm back.

You too. Look at it. I'm back, jack.

Take it easy, chair.

Sorry, sir.

Thank you, Your Eminence.

I liked that.

- That was called a hug.
- Interesting concept.

Why don't we have them on Ork?

Either we're too advanced,

or we don't want the Baptists to know
that we're dancing.

I must go now
in order to catch the next time warp.

But if I should ever happen
to be in the galaxy again,

would you mind a visit
from an old man?

- Any time.
- We promise we'll write.

Yeah, as soon as we learn
how to spell:

Well, na-no, na-no,
or as you Earthlings say:

Goodbye.

Well, it's nice to have you back,
Mork.

Just Mindy and me
And Bebo makes three

Mork. Mork.

Oh, enjoy him now, Mind.
They grow to be a hundred feet high.

He likes you, Mind.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Come in, Your Grossness,
Your Fattitude, Your Inner Tubeness,

oh, lard and master.

- Oh, how I missed those words, Mork.
- Sir, me too.

Glad to see you're back.

I'd be glad to see your back, sir,

but your front folds around
and covers it.

I love to zing him, Bebo.

Music to my ears.

His Eminence told me
what happened.

It must have been
quite an experience for you.

Oh, yes, sir.

It was a very heavy
philosophical excursion, for sure.

Basically, sir, after much difficulty,
I found the tree of me.

- Good, Mork. Where did you find it?
- In the Forest of Us, sir.

And where is the Forest of Us?

Well, down the path of change,

where the squirrels of self
hide the nuts of inner peace.

In other words, Mork,

what you're saying
is life is like a Kusshhbaya?

Yes, sir, yes.

Come on home, Mama,
take anything you need.

Basically, sir, I'd like to thank you,
Mind, little…and everyone

who made me an Orkan again, sir,

because that's the way
I really wanna be.

- I'm glad to hear that, Mork.
- Oh, me too, sir.

Because I learned
a very important lesson.

You can make your home
anywhere in the universe,

but it's most comfortable

if you furnish it
with your own traditions.

And I feel best in Early Mork.

Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.