Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 2, Episode 26 - The Way Mork Were - full transcript
Fred confesses that he's having marital difficulties, so Mork and Mindy relay stories of their troubled times.
MORK: Nanu, nanu!
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
( LIQUIDS BOILING )
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
Come in and hold your nose.
Why should I hold my…
What is that?
A stewed narconium.
I'm fixing Mindy
an authentic Orkan dinner.
Narconium? That sounds like
some sort of chemical.
Oh, it is. You see, you
Earthlings load up your food
with chemicals, we Orkans have
totally eliminated the food.
Well, uh, why would you eat
something that smells like that?
It's full of tudium,
the gravity vitamin.
Without it, we'd fall
right off this planet.
Uh, well, can you let it simmer
for a while so we can talk?
All right. I'll have to come
back every 10 minutes and stir
or else the molecules will
stick together and it'll clot.
( CHUCKLES )
Well, what's on your cerebellum?
Uh, you and Mindy.
I've been away for a while
and I was wondering
if you and she were still
getting along real well.
Oh, we're as happy as a couple
of bivalve mollusks.
Hmm? Oh, "clams" to you.
Y-you see, I never really
understood your relationship.
After all, you're such
different people.
Oh, no, I'm the one
that's different.
I mean, Mindy's always
been the same.
Uh, uh, I mean you come
from such different backgrounds.
Oh. Oh, I see.
"Can a spunky humanoid
from Earth find happiness
"with a boy from
the wrong side of the galaxy?
Let's see. Follow me. Come on."
( CHUCKLING ):
Well, yeah, something like that.
Well, how are you
and your new mate?
Oh, fine, fine.
Well, uh, it's always
tough at first.
I mean, even you and Mindy
had problems.
Oh, I scoff at that assertion.
Name one.
How about the time
you took her to visit
your friend Exidor's
lovely mountain retreat?
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
I thought you were supposed
to be such a trailblazer.
Well, I made it
from Ork to Earth,
but there were no trees.
I wonder when we lost the trail.
I suspect it was right before
we fell off the cliff.
Well, I owe you an apology.
Next time you could land on me.
How's your ankle?
Oww!
It's still sprained,
but at least now the toes
are finally facing forward.
Well, tomorrow morning I'll go
looking for our luggage.
I hope it didn't sink.
Are you sure you heard a splash?
I don't know if it was that
or the avalanche.
I hope that beaver isn't hurt.
Well, what was a beaver
doing out
strolling in the middle
of the night anyway?
Why wasn't he in his darn dam
guarding his sticks
and his twigs?
Do you know how yucky it is
to step on a beaver's tail?
I didn't know those
little suckers could scream.
( SCREECHING )
Well, he won't be sending
any more little beaver messages
with that tail for a while.
You're not gonna
have a nice weekend
if you keep up those thoughts.
Mork, I stepped on a beaver,
I fell off a cliff
and you landed on me,
I sprained my ankle,
and my luggage
is shooting the rapids
on the way to Lake Mead,
and your scenic,
little 3-mile hike
was up the face of a cliff.
I knew we were in big trouble
when that mountain goat
tumbled by.
Boy, I didn't know
they could scream, either.
I'm cold and I can't walk
anymore,
and I'm freezing to death.
But you're right. You are right.
Why should I be negative?
What else could possibly happen?
Well, I could have lost the key.
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
Just open the door.
You lost the key?
No, he never gave me one.
What?
Mork, we'll freeze to death
if we stay out here.
Kick the door in.
But it's… Kick the door in.
But on Ork… Kick the door in.
But… Kick!
( KICKS LIGHTLY )
Mork.
It wasn't locked.
Oh, dopey, me.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
Well, okay. I admit that's one.
Be honest, now. You two haven't
had any other problems?
Well, one eensy-beensy one.
Mr. Bickley told me
that fighting was a great way
to keep a relationship exciting.
So to keep Mindy happy,
I had this real vicious
fight with her.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
( WHISTLING )
Aah! Mork!
You scared me to death!
Well, I'm glad you're home.
Dinner's almost ready.
Why don't you sit down
and I'll set it up?
There's a little extra
spaghetti sauce on the table
if you want some more.
And I'll just get
the garlic rolls,
and we'll be all set.
You expect me to eat this slop?
What is going on?
You talk about more
of the same. Déjà slop!
Mork! What are you doing?
I'm putting your buns in orbit,
that's what I'm doing!
What is wrong with you?!
Mindy, I'm tired of eating food
that even the airlines
would turn down!
I've seen cockroaches go,
"No way!"
I thought you liked my cooking.
You had a thought?
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
I didn't think there
was anything
under that Barbie doll
hairdo of yours.
Whoa, look. Echo! Echo! Echo!
Mork.
Why don't you just shave it off
- and get yourself a Mohawk?
- ( GASPS )
That way it'll draw attention
away from your nose.
My nose, what's wrong
with my nose?
Are you kidding,
it's Shiksa City.
And your feet. Whoa!
Where do you get your shoes,
Barnum and Bailey?
( IMITATES MONKEY GIBBERING )
And what's that
wonderful fragrance?
Oh, no! Old Spice!
♪ Ship ahoy, ship ahoy ♪
Oh, maybe it's Indian leather.
( INDIAN ACCENT ):
We like to make a fragrance
from the cow, dead for
four days, lying in the sun.
- ( SOBS ): Mork.
- ( NORMAL VOICE ): Mindy,
don't whimper. It makes you look
like a Pekingese with asthma.
( PANTING )
And it makes your eyes
look even closer together.
( SCREECHING )
Okay, it's your turn.
( CRYING ): Oh, Mork!
I just can't believe…
Boy, this is gonna be great.
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
Mindy, Mindy, Mind, Min, Min.
That was the best fight
I've ever seen.
Was it good for you too?
Come on, now, it's time
to kiss and make up.
Kiss and make up?
I wouldn't kiss you if you
were the only alien on Earth!
I think I am.
There's your proof! Oh.
So you don't like my cooking,
huh? We…
Well, if you don't like it,
why don't you get off your face
and cook something for yourself!
You don't know this.
It's not that easy to be living
with a monster from outer space.
I mean, most guys just leave the
cap off the toothpaste, right?
You eat it!
Okay, fight's over. Kinzex.
Fight's over, my foot.
So you don't like
my hairstyle, huh?
Well, Mr. Taste,
where'd you get these rags?
Ow!
A fire sale at Disney World?
She didn't mean it.
She didn't mean it.
Oh, and by the way,
since we're into honesty,
I'd like to inform you
that your normal voice
sounds like Truman Capote
on helium.
( IMITATING MORK'S VOICE ):
Hello, I'm Mork from Ork.
Nanu, nanu. But you can
just call me Space Turkey.
Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar!
Ow! Ow! See, I'm…
I'm cutting myself.
- Look, there's blood.
- There will be.
Blood, blood. Bleed. Bleed.
Mork, that's such a shame.
We'll have to have that
taken care of.
I'll call the veterinarian.
Mindy, I think
I've made a mistake.
You made the mistake? Yeah.
I made the mistake.
I should have listened
to my father.
I never should have let you
move in here in the first place.
If he told me once,
he told me a million times.
"Mindy, stick to your own
species."
Well, Mind, I guess
I'll just go up to bed…
Go up to bed, my foot.
There is an egg leaving
in 10 minutes. Be in it.
Mindy?
My lips aren't that long.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
I mean, I don't want you
to think
the whole year was that bad.
I did try and help Mindy too.
I'm sure you did.
But you gotta admit,
for a moment,
you were proud of me,
weren't you, Pops?
Mork, believe it or not,
I am proud of you.
I know how happy
you've made Mindy.
( SIGHS ): Aw.
Gee, thanks, Pops.
Boy, I guess I should have
knocked first.
( CHUCKLES )
Oh, Min, Pops and I were
just talking over old times.
Yes, I've missed a lot
in this last year.
Well, you also gained a lot too.
And speaking of that,
where's your new bride?
Oh, uh, uh, she…
She's back at the house.
Well, why don't you call her up
and invite her over for dinner?
Oh, Min. Min, we only
have enough for two,
unless you brought along
some Narconium Helper.
Or we could go out?
Uh, I-I-I don't think
I can call her.
Oh, don't worry.
I remember the number.
Things aren't working out
too well with Cathy and me.
What happened?
- Did you two have a fight?
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's just that…
I'm afraid we're not right
for each other.
( WISTFUL THEME PLAYING )
( SIGHS )
This marriage
may have been a mistake.
( SIGHS )
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
But, Dad, you've only
been married a few months.
I know, but it's
just not working out.
Well, what happened?
She found out you were bald?
Uh, no, I told her that
before we were married.
Well, what happened?
You two seemed so happy.
I thought I was happy,
but I wasn't.
Oh. I know what that's like.
I thought I was once
a polar bear, but I wasn't.
Maybe I'm a butterfly.
I don't know.
Before we were married,
we had so much in common.
Like being single.
Like love of music
and hating carrots.
It's the real reason
I came over here.
You two are really different
but your relationship
works fine.
Maybe I'm out of line here, Dad,
but I've watched you two
for the last couple of weeks,
and I've never seen
two happier people.
Yeah, like Cinderella
and Prince Charming,
Romeo and Juliet,
Sodom and Gomorrah.
( SCOFFS ):
I really wish that were true.
But, it's just I'm finding out
all these things about her.
Well, like what? So far,
you haven't been too specific.
Uh, well, um, she's, um, um,
completely unpredictable.
I mean, I-I never know
what she's gonna say or do
from one moment to the next.
Well, a person can learn
to live with that, you know.
To whom are you referring?
To you.
Remember when your emotions
came out for the first time?
Yeah. Well, they've been bottled
up for billions of bleens,
of course they'll act like
a starving fish at a worm roast.
Yes, and I'll never forget
when you came into
the music store
the morning after.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
( AS STEVE MARTIN ):
Well, excu-u-se me!
( NORMAL VOICE ):
Why don't you ever sell any of this stuff?!
My!
What's wrong?
Oh, Mindy, that wasn't me.
That was anger.
Oh, well, what happened
to your other emotions?
Well, I think they're
sleeping it off in my mind.
Oh, it's been a hard
day's night, I can't tell you.
I'd lock 'em all up behind there
except anger's standing guard.
( COUNTRY VOICE ):
Yeah, and I'm a big boy too.
- And don't mess with me!
- Aww, get off!
( NORMAL VOICE ):
It's okay now. See?
Where have you been?
Don't ask. I've done things
that would embarrass Idi Amin.
Like what?
Well, we started off by
going to the waterfront.
Wait a minute, there's no
waterfront in Colorado.
Who says we stayed in Colorado?
Here are some shells.
We started off by going
to this really cheap dive
called the Ballpark.
Fear didn't want to go in,
but Disgust called him a sissy.
And Excitement was so titillated
by that, he went to the bar
and ordered 10 beers,
one for each finger.
Guilt felt so bad about that,
he yanked us into the alley.
Whimsy said it must
be named Mohammad.
( LAUGHS )
Shut up! Let me finish
the story!
Okay.
Suddenly, we were surrounded
by a vicious motorcycle gang.
There were 12 of us
against 42 of them.
Anger still spitting leather.
Mork, whatever happened
to the positive emotions,
like love? Oh, yes.
I don't know what I said to
that girl on the street corner.
All I remember
is that she sold her car
and gave all the money to me.
Well, at least
you seem all right now.
Yeah, but that's
just for the moment.
Who knows when
they'll come out again?
At anytime… Yeah! Shh. See? Oh.
I can't go
to your birthday party, Mindy.
It'll ruin the birthday for you.
Oh, Mork, the only thing
that would ruin my birthday
is if you're not there.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm a heck of a guy.
What's that?
Oh, Grandma made me this
for my birthday.
Isn't it nice?
Yeah, I knitted it myself.
It took me five weeks.
Five weeks? Ha!
What did you use for knitting
needles, crowbars?
Oh, I think my emotions
are waking up again.
I noticed. Unfortunately,
they're coming out
at the wrong times, aren't they?
Yeah, I think they're trying
to get out and teach me a lesson
and show me who's boss.
Ha-ha! Ah-ha!
Not now! It's okay. See?
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
Now, Dad, has Cathy
ever insulted your relatives
or destroyed
your place of business?
No.
You know, not only have I gotten
used to Mork's craziness,
I sometimes even look forward
to the next disaster.
Oh, thanks, Mind.
( CHUCKLES )
Dad, what was it about Cathy
that you really liked
when you first met her?
Well, she was so different
from anyone I'd ever met,
so fresh, and so full
of surprises.
So unpredictable.
Yeah, I guess so.
That's one down.
What's bothering you
about her now?
Well, this may sound picky,
but she has some really
weird friends.
I mean, she has this girlfriend
who bakes these terrible
oatmeal raisin cookies,
and she must bring a dozen
of them to the house every week.
This man is cooking narconium
in my living room
and you think that's strange?
Try comparing oatmeal
raisin cookies to Exidor.
Oh, come on, Mind,
there's no comparison.
Exidor's only half-baked.
How did you meet him, anyway?
Well, it was when I ran away
from home.
I was… I was lonely.
I needed someone to talk to.
A good, solid,
down-to-earth person.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
This is my philosophy
for friends of Venus.
I want you to study it
and memorize it
so that you can go out with me
and convert the nonbeliever.
I'll study hard and let you know
when I'm ready.
Oop! I'm ready.
Oh, no. On your feet.
Uh, let's pretend that,
uh, I am a nonbeliever,
and you try and convert me.
Hey, you, nonbeliever.
Good start.
But we need more power
in your voice
and more conviction.
Oh, I see.
( AS PREACHER ): Friend…
I have need of your attention.
Friend, do you realize
that Venusians
are coming down to Earth?
But they're not coming here
on Veterans Day,
not on April Fools' Day,
but on Labor Day.
Baby, ba-a-be.
Can you hear me, friend?
I hear ya. Are you ready?
Now, can I get a nanu, nanu?
Nanu, nanu! Thank you, friend.
Do you realize, friend,
what they're coming here to do?
Because they've come down here
to blow the Earth
to smithereens!
But it's not that bad, friend,
because they're sending
a ship down here
to save 1000 of us.
And they're making a list
and they're checking it twice.
Now, friend,
now, you can either
stay down here
in your disco,
drug-infested inferno
or come up to Venus
and have your very own
Venusian condo-minimum
with hot and cold
running champagne
and underwater dancing.
You must apply now!
( YELPS )
Mork!
Mork!
That was beautiful!
Why can't you be more like him?
But there's something missing.
What we need is more
of your experiences
with the Venusians
here on Earth.
I didn't meet them on Earth.
I met them on Venus.
You've been there?
Oh, yes. I've been to all the
planets in your solar system.
Mars? Mercury? Pluto?
Oh, don't ever go to Pluto.
It's a Mickey Mouse planet.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
I guess I can get used
to Cathy's friends,
especially when I see what
you've had to put up with.
( LAUGHING ): Really.
To tell you the truth, Dad,
the problems that you're talking
about seem pretty small.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I can understand little things
getting on your nerves,
but imagine what life
would be like without Cathy.
There was a time
when Mindy and I
thought we'd never
see each other again.
We were captured by Necrotons,
put in this big cage
where we were waiting
to have our brains sucked out.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
( IMITATES HARMONICA PLAYING
"NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I SEE")
Come on, Min, cheer up.
Hey, I'll give you
a little ride.
♪ She was only a girl
In a gilded cage ♪
Mork. Sorry, Mind.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
Yeah, I know.
It's kind of hard to frolic
in the face of doom.
You know, I've been thinking
about all the things
that have happened to me
since I've met you.
But one thing for sure,
I never thought I'd end up
sitting in a birdcage
waiting for my brains
to be sucked out by Necrotons.
Well, look on the bright side.
You still have your health.
Mork, you know, you…
You didn't have to come back
and risk your life
to save me, but you did.
Thanks.
Yeah, but I kind of botched up.
'Cause if I'd done
the right thing,
you'd be safe in your own home
when they destroyed the Earth.
I guess we've had a full life.
I only wish I'd gotten to meet
Anson Williams.
Mork, there's something
that I've been wanting
to tell you for a long time,
but I just couldn't. Oh,
what is it, Mind?
Well, one time
when you weren't home,
I… I put on your spacesuit.
The helmet too?
Boots and all.
Are you mad?
No.
I have a confession to make
to you too.
Well, one time
when you weren't home,
I… I held your blow dryer
and jumped up and down
on your bed.
Are you mad?
No.
I guess we've done it all.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
What Mindy and I've discovered,
it's the love between people,
not their differences,
that count.
Well, I definitely love her.
That's not the problem.
It's just all the little things
that are bothering me
now that we're living together.
Well, you lived with me
for quite a while,
and I had a few minor
idiosyncrasies.
Like the time I used
your entire stamp collection
on my Valentine's Day cards.
The point is,
when you love somebody, you get
used to things like that.
Dad, listen to yourself.
Yeah, you're just like the guys
on Feeva Scalactra.
I mean,
the day after the wedding,
they get real nervous
and jittery
and they won't stay
with their wives.
Well, that sounds just like me.
Why do they feel that way?
Probably 'cause the third day
after the wedding is known as.
"Kill Your Husband Day."
I guess that saves
on anniversary gifts.
Maybe you guys are right.
I've been blowing things
out of proportion.
Yeah, you're making a supernova
out of a meteor shower.
Dad, didn't these
kinds of things
ever happen with Mom too?
Yes.
I guess I'm a little
out of practice at marriage.
Just talking to you
makes me feel better.
Well, good.
Now, I think you should go
find Cathy right now.
Well, I feel I should apologize
to her
for the things
I've been thinking.
Apologies, that's no problem.
Mindy taught me all about those.
All right, here,
you be Cathy, and I'll be you.
( IMITATES DOOR CREAKING )
Cathy, darling, I…
I feel there's something
I have to tell you.
Darling, I… I feel like
I've been such an idiot.
I-I mean, I've been
the biggest, lamest…
Well, chowder head
there is because…
Uh, Mork, I think I can handle
the apology myself. Thanks.
I'm just trying
to make you happy, Pops.
I'm trying to help.
You did.
And I want to thank you both.
( KISSES ): Mm.
( STIRRING THEME PLAYING )
Cathy and I
are just gonna be fine.
Oh, good.
And in a few years,
I hope we'll have the kind
of memories you two have.
Oh, you will.
Without the Necrotons.
( LAUGHS ): Bye, Dad.
Maybe I should give him
some narconium
to take home to Cathy.
Ah, here we go.
( HUMMING IN ORKAN )
( MINDY GASPS )
( CHUCKLES ): Oh.
I should have made
the French fried chicken lips.
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON:
I'm here, Mork, waiting for your report.
Well, sir, this week I learned
about solving problems.
You were playing detective?
Wrong, your gravity!
Got you there!
We're talking about affection,
not detection.
You see, it seems
that Earthlings have the need
to talk about their problems
with people that they love.
Why do they choose
to burden their friends?
Well, in the words
of honorable Charlie Chan,
( AS CHARLIE CHAN ):
"A man who, ah, bottle up problems
liable to pop cork."
Mork. Sir.
Is this typical human behavior,
feeling free to discuss
their personal hang-ups
with each other?
All I know, sir,
is if Romeo and Juliet
had talked more,
their story might have had
a happier ending.
But then, who would've
ever heard of them?
Well. Sorry.
What about that old Earth saying
that talk is cheap?
Well, sir, I don't know
if that's true,
but when it comes to helping
others, talk is priceless.
Until next week, sir,
Nanus is good news. Nanu.
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
( LIQUIDS BOILING )
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
Come in and hold your nose.
Why should I hold my…
What is that?
A stewed narconium.
I'm fixing Mindy
an authentic Orkan dinner.
Narconium? That sounds like
some sort of chemical.
Oh, it is. You see, you
Earthlings load up your food
with chemicals, we Orkans have
totally eliminated the food.
Well, uh, why would you eat
something that smells like that?
It's full of tudium,
the gravity vitamin.
Without it, we'd fall
right off this planet.
Uh, well, can you let it simmer
for a while so we can talk?
All right. I'll have to come
back every 10 minutes and stir
or else the molecules will
stick together and it'll clot.
( CHUCKLES )
Well, what's on your cerebellum?
Uh, you and Mindy.
I've been away for a while
and I was wondering
if you and she were still
getting along real well.
Oh, we're as happy as a couple
of bivalve mollusks.
Hmm? Oh, "clams" to you.
Y-you see, I never really
understood your relationship.
After all, you're such
different people.
Oh, no, I'm the one
that's different.
I mean, Mindy's always
been the same.
Uh, uh, I mean you come
from such different backgrounds.
Oh. Oh, I see.
"Can a spunky humanoid
from Earth find happiness
"with a boy from
the wrong side of the galaxy?
Let's see. Follow me. Come on."
( CHUCKLING ):
Well, yeah, something like that.
Well, how are you
and your new mate?
Oh, fine, fine.
Well, uh, it's always
tough at first.
I mean, even you and Mindy
had problems.
Oh, I scoff at that assertion.
Name one.
How about the time
you took her to visit
your friend Exidor's
lovely mountain retreat?
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
I thought you were supposed
to be such a trailblazer.
Well, I made it
from Ork to Earth,
but there were no trees.
I wonder when we lost the trail.
I suspect it was right before
we fell off the cliff.
Well, I owe you an apology.
Next time you could land on me.
How's your ankle?
Oww!
It's still sprained,
but at least now the toes
are finally facing forward.
Well, tomorrow morning I'll go
looking for our luggage.
I hope it didn't sink.
Are you sure you heard a splash?
I don't know if it was that
or the avalanche.
I hope that beaver isn't hurt.
Well, what was a beaver
doing out
strolling in the middle
of the night anyway?
Why wasn't he in his darn dam
guarding his sticks
and his twigs?
Do you know how yucky it is
to step on a beaver's tail?
I didn't know those
little suckers could scream.
( SCREECHING )
Well, he won't be sending
any more little beaver messages
with that tail for a while.
You're not gonna
have a nice weekend
if you keep up those thoughts.
Mork, I stepped on a beaver,
I fell off a cliff
and you landed on me,
I sprained my ankle,
and my luggage
is shooting the rapids
on the way to Lake Mead,
and your scenic,
little 3-mile hike
was up the face of a cliff.
I knew we were in big trouble
when that mountain goat
tumbled by.
Boy, I didn't know
they could scream, either.
I'm cold and I can't walk
anymore,
and I'm freezing to death.
But you're right. You are right.
Why should I be negative?
What else could possibly happen?
Well, I could have lost the key.
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
Just open the door.
You lost the key?
No, he never gave me one.
What?
Mork, we'll freeze to death
if we stay out here.
Kick the door in.
But it's… Kick the door in.
But on Ork… Kick the door in.
But… Kick!
( KICKS LIGHTLY )
Mork.
It wasn't locked.
Oh, dopey, me.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
Well, okay. I admit that's one.
Be honest, now. You two haven't
had any other problems?
Well, one eensy-beensy one.
Mr. Bickley told me
that fighting was a great way
to keep a relationship exciting.
So to keep Mindy happy,
I had this real vicious
fight with her.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
( WHISTLING )
Aah! Mork!
You scared me to death!
Well, I'm glad you're home.
Dinner's almost ready.
Why don't you sit down
and I'll set it up?
There's a little extra
spaghetti sauce on the table
if you want some more.
And I'll just get
the garlic rolls,
and we'll be all set.
You expect me to eat this slop?
What is going on?
You talk about more
of the same. Déjà slop!
Mork! What are you doing?
I'm putting your buns in orbit,
that's what I'm doing!
What is wrong with you?!
Mindy, I'm tired of eating food
that even the airlines
would turn down!
I've seen cockroaches go,
"No way!"
I thought you liked my cooking.
You had a thought?
Ar, ar, ar, ar!
I didn't think there
was anything
under that Barbie doll
hairdo of yours.
Whoa, look. Echo! Echo! Echo!
Mork.
Why don't you just shave it off
- and get yourself a Mohawk?
- ( GASPS )
That way it'll draw attention
away from your nose.
My nose, what's wrong
with my nose?
Are you kidding,
it's Shiksa City.
And your feet. Whoa!
Where do you get your shoes,
Barnum and Bailey?
( IMITATES MONKEY GIBBERING )
And what's that
wonderful fragrance?
Oh, no! Old Spice!
♪ Ship ahoy, ship ahoy ♪
Oh, maybe it's Indian leather.
( INDIAN ACCENT ):
We like to make a fragrance
from the cow, dead for
four days, lying in the sun.
- ( SOBS ): Mork.
- ( NORMAL VOICE ): Mindy,
don't whimper. It makes you look
like a Pekingese with asthma.
( PANTING )
And it makes your eyes
look even closer together.
( SCREECHING )
Okay, it's your turn.
( CRYING ): Oh, Mork!
I just can't believe…
Boy, this is gonna be great.
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
Mindy, Mindy, Mind, Min, Min.
That was the best fight
I've ever seen.
Was it good for you too?
Come on, now, it's time
to kiss and make up.
Kiss and make up?
I wouldn't kiss you if you
were the only alien on Earth!
I think I am.
There's your proof! Oh.
So you don't like my cooking,
huh? We…
Well, if you don't like it,
why don't you get off your face
and cook something for yourself!
You don't know this.
It's not that easy to be living
with a monster from outer space.
I mean, most guys just leave the
cap off the toothpaste, right?
You eat it!
Okay, fight's over. Kinzex.
Fight's over, my foot.
So you don't like
my hairstyle, huh?
Well, Mr. Taste,
where'd you get these rags?
Ow!
A fire sale at Disney World?
She didn't mean it.
She didn't mean it.
Oh, and by the way,
since we're into honesty,
I'd like to inform you
that your normal voice
sounds like Truman Capote
on helium.
( IMITATING MORK'S VOICE ):
Hello, I'm Mork from Ork.
Nanu, nanu. But you can
just call me Space Turkey.
Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar!
Ow! Ow! See, I'm…
I'm cutting myself.
- Look, there's blood.
- There will be.
Blood, blood. Bleed. Bleed.
Mork, that's such a shame.
We'll have to have that
taken care of.
I'll call the veterinarian.
Mindy, I think
I've made a mistake.
You made the mistake? Yeah.
I made the mistake.
I should have listened
to my father.
I never should have let you
move in here in the first place.
If he told me once,
he told me a million times.
"Mindy, stick to your own
species."
Well, Mind, I guess
I'll just go up to bed…
Go up to bed, my foot.
There is an egg leaving
in 10 minutes. Be in it.
Mindy?
My lips aren't that long.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
I mean, I don't want you
to think
the whole year was that bad.
I did try and help Mindy too.
I'm sure you did.
But you gotta admit,
for a moment,
you were proud of me,
weren't you, Pops?
Mork, believe it or not,
I am proud of you.
I know how happy
you've made Mindy.
( SIGHS ): Aw.
Gee, thanks, Pops.
Boy, I guess I should have
knocked first.
( CHUCKLES )
Oh, Min, Pops and I were
just talking over old times.
Yes, I've missed a lot
in this last year.
Well, you also gained a lot too.
And speaking of that,
where's your new bride?
Oh, uh, uh, she…
She's back at the house.
Well, why don't you call her up
and invite her over for dinner?
Oh, Min. Min, we only
have enough for two,
unless you brought along
some Narconium Helper.
Or we could go out?
Uh, I-I-I don't think
I can call her.
Oh, don't worry.
I remember the number.
Things aren't working out
too well with Cathy and me.
What happened?
- Did you two have a fight?
- Oh, no, no, no.
It's just that…
I'm afraid we're not right
for each other.
( WISTFUL THEME PLAYING )
( SIGHS )
This marriage
may have been a mistake.
( SIGHS )
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
But, Dad, you've only
been married a few months.
I know, but it's
just not working out.
Well, what happened?
She found out you were bald?
Uh, no, I told her that
before we were married.
Well, what happened?
You two seemed so happy.
I thought I was happy,
but I wasn't.
Oh. I know what that's like.
I thought I was once
a polar bear, but I wasn't.
Maybe I'm a butterfly.
I don't know.
Before we were married,
we had so much in common.
Like being single.
Like love of music
and hating carrots.
It's the real reason
I came over here.
You two are really different
but your relationship
works fine.
Maybe I'm out of line here, Dad,
but I've watched you two
for the last couple of weeks,
and I've never seen
two happier people.
Yeah, like Cinderella
and Prince Charming,
Romeo and Juliet,
Sodom and Gomorrah.
( SCOFFS ):
I really wish that were true.
But, it's just I'm finding out
all these things about her.
Well, like what? So far,
you haven't been too specific.
Uh, well, um, she's, um, um,
completely unpredictable.
I mean, I-I never know
what she's gonna say or do
from one moment to the next.
Well, a person can learn
to live with that, you know.
To whom are you referring?
To you.
Remember when your emotions
came out for the first time?
Yeah. Well, they've been bottled
up for billions of bleens,
of course they'll act like
a starving fish at a worm roast.
Yes, and I'll never forget
when you came into
the music store
the morning after.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
( AS STEVE MARTIN ):
Well, excu-u-se me!
( NORMAL VOICE ):
Why don't you ever sell any of this stuff?!
My!
What's wrong?
Oh, Mindy, that wasn't me.
That was anger.
Oh, well, what happened
to your other emotions?
Well, I think they're
sleeping it off in my mind.
Oh, it's been a hard
day's night, I can't tell you.
I'd lock 'em all up behind there
except anger's standing guard.
( COUNTRY VOICE ):
Yeah, and I'm a big boy too.
- And don't mess with me!
- Aww, get off!
( NORMAL VOICE ):
It's okay now. See?
Where have you been?
Don't ask. I've done things
that would embarrass Idi Amin.
Like what?
Well, we started off by
going to the waterfront.
Wait a minute, there's no
waterfront in Colorado.
Who says we stayed in Colorado?
Here are some shells.
We started off by going
to this really cheap dive
called the Ballpark.
Fear didn't want to go in,
but Disgust called him a sissy.
And Excitement was so titillated
by that, he went to the bar
and ordered 10 beers,
one for each finger.
Guilt felt so bad about that,
he yanked us into the alley.
Whimsy said it must
be named Mohammad.
( LAUGHS )
Shut up! Let me finish
the story!
Okay.
Suddenly, we were surrounded
by a vicious motorcycle gang.
There were 12 of us
against 42 of them.
Anger still spitting leather.
Mork, whatever happened
to the positive emotions,
like love? Oh, yes.
I don't know what I said to
that girl on the street corner.
All I remember
is that she sold her car
and gave all the money to me.
Well, at least
you seem all right now.
Yeah, but that's
just for the moment.
Who knows when
they'll come out again?
At anytime… Yeah! Shh. See? Oh.
I can't go
to your birthday party, Mindy.
It'll ruin the birthday for you.
Oh, Mork, the only thing
that would ruin my birthday
is if you're not there.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm a heck of a guy.
What's that?
Oh, Grandma made me this
for my birthday.
Isn't it nice?
Yeah, I knitted it myself.
It took me five weeks.
Five weeks? Ha!
What did you use for knitting
needles, crowbars?
Oh, I think my emotions
are waking up again.
I noticed. Unfortunately,
they're coming out
at the wrong times, aren't they?
Yeah, I think they're trying
to get out and teach me a lesson
and show me who's boss.
Ha-ha! Ah-ha!
Not now! It's okay. See?
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
Now, Dad, has Cathy
ever insulted your relatives
or destroyed
your place of business?
No.
You know, not only have I gotten
used to Mork's craziness,
I sometimes even look forward
to the next disaster.
Oh, thanks, Mind.
( CHUCKLES )
Dad, what was it about Cathy
that you really liked
when you first met her?
Well, she was so different
from anyone I'd ever met,
so fresh, and so full
of surprises.
So unpredictable.
Yeah, I guess so.
That's one down.
What's bothering you
about her now?
Well, this may sound picky,
but she has some really
weird friends.
I mean, she has this girlfriend
who bakes these terrible
oatmeal raisin cookies,
and she must bring a dozen
of them to the house every week.
This man is cooking narconium
in my living room
and you think that's strange?
Try comparing oatmeal
raisin cookies to Exidor.
Oh, come on, Mind,
there's no comparison.
Exidor's only half-baked.
How did you meet him, anyway?
Well, it was when I ran away
from home.
I was… I was lonely.
I needed someone to talk to.
A good, solid,
down-to-earth person.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
This is my philosophy
for friends of Venus.
I want you to study it
and memorize it
so that you can go out with me
and convert the nonbeliever.
I'll study hard and let you know
when I'm ready.
Oop! I'm ready.
Oh, no. On your feet.
Uh, let's pretend that,
uh, I am a nonbeliever,
and you try and convert me.
Hey, you, nonbeliever.
Good start.
But we need more power
in your voice
and more conviction.
Oh, I see.
( AS PREACHER ): Friend…
I have need of your attention.
Friend, do you realize
that Venusians
are coming down to Earth?
But they're not coming here
on Veterans Day,
not on April Fools' Day,
but on Labor Day.
Baby, ba-a-be.
Can you hear me, friend?
I hear ya. Are you ready?
Now, can I get a nanu, nanu?
Nanu, nanu! Thank you, friend.
Do you realize, friend,
what they're coming here to do?
Because they've come down here
to blow the Earth
to smithereens!
But it's not that bad, friend,
because they're sending
a ship down here
to save 1000 of us.
And they're making a list
and they're checking it twice.
Now, friend,
now, you can either
stay down here
in your disco,
drug-infested inferno
or come up to Venus
and have your very own
Venusian condo-minimum
with hot and cold
running champagne
and underwater dancing.
You must apply now!
( YELPS )
Mork!
Mork!
That was beautiful!
Why can't you be more like him?
But there's something missing.
What we need is more
of your experiences
with the Venusians
here on Earth.
I didn't meet them on Earth.
I met them on Venus.
You've been there?
Oh, yes. I've been to all the
planets in your solar system.
Mars? Mercury? Pluto?
Oh, don't ever go to Pluto.
It's a Mickey Mouse planet.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
I guess I can get used
to Cathy's friends,
especially when I see what
you've had to put up with.
( LAUGHING ): Really.
To tell you the truth, Dad,
the problems that you're talking
about seem pretty small.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I can understand little things
getting on your nerves,
but imagine what life
would be like without Cathy.
There was a time
when Mindy and I
thought we'd never
see each other again.
We were captured by Necrotons,
put in this big cage
where we were waiting
to have our brains sucked out.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
( IMITATES HARMONICA PLAYING
"NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I SEE")
Come on, Min, cheer up.
Hey, I'll give you
a little ride.
♪ She was only a girl
In a gilded cage ♪
Mork. Sorry, Mind.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
Yeah, I know.
It's kind of hard to frolic
in the face of doom.
You know, I've been thinking
about all the things
that have happened to me
since I've met you.
But one thing for sure,
I never thought I'd end up
sitting in a birdcage
waiting for my brains
to be sucked out by Necrotons.
Well, look on the bright side.
You still have your health.
Mork, you know, you…
You didn't have to come back
and risk your life
to save me, but you did.
Thanks.
Yeah, but I kind of botched up.
'Cause if I'd done
the right thing,
you'd be safe in your own home
when they destroyed the Earth.
I guess we've had a full life.
I only wish I'd gotten to meet
Anson Williams.
Mork, there's something
that I've been wanting
to tell you for a long time,
but I just couldn't. Oh,
what is it, Mind?
Well, one time
when you weren't home,
I… I put on your spacesuit.
The helmet too?
Boots and all.
Are you mad?
No.
I have a confession to make
to you too.
Well, one time
when you weren't home,
I… I held your blow dryer
and jumped up and down
on your bed.
Are you mad?
No.
I guess we've done it all.
( DAYDREAMING FANTASY THEME
PLAYING )
What Mindy and I've discovered,
it's the love between people,
not their differences,
that count.
Well, I definitely love her.
That's not the problem.
It's just all the little things
that are bothering me
now that we're living together.
Well, you lived with me
for quite a while,
and I had a few minor
idiosyncrasies.
Like the time I used
your entire stamp collection
on my Valentine's Day cards.
The point is,
when you love somebody, you get
used to things like that.
Dad, listen to yourself.
Yeah, you're just like the guys
on Feeva Scalactra.
I mean,
the day after the wedding,
they get real nervous
and jittery
and they won't stay
with their wives.
Well, that sounds just like me.
Why do they feel that way?
Probably 'cause the third day
after the wedding is known as.
"Kill Your Husband Day."
I guess that saves
on anniversary gifts.
Maybe you guys are right.
I've been blowing things
out of proportion.
Yeah, you're making a supernova
out of a meteor shower.
Dad, didn't these
kinds of things
ever happen with Mom too?
Yes.
I guess I'm a little
out of practice at marriage.
Just talking to you
makes me feel better.
Well, good.
Now, I think you should go
find Cathy right now.
Well, I feel I should apologize
to her
for the things
I've been thinking.
Apologies, that's no problem.
Mindy taught me all about those.
All right, here,
you be Cathy, and I'll be you.
( IMITATES DOOR CREAKING )
Cathy, darling, I…
I feel there's something
I have to tell you.
Darling, I… I feel like
I've been such an idiot.
I-I mean, I've been
the biggest, lamest…
Well, chowder head
there is because…
Uh, Mork, I think I can handle
the apology myself. Thanks.
I'm just trying
to make you happy, Pops.
I'm trying to help.
You did.
And I want to thank you both.
( KISSES ): Mm.
( STIRRING THEME PLAYING )
Cathy and I
are just gonna be fine.
Oh, good.
And in a few years,
I hope we'll have the kind
of memories you two have.
Oh, you will.
Without the Necrotons.
( LAUGHS ): Bye, Dad.
Maybe I should give him
some narconium
to take home to Cathy.
Ah, here we go.
( HUMMING IN ORKAN )
( MINDY GASPS )
( CHUCKLES ): Oh.
I should have made
the French fried chicken lips.
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
MORK: Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
ORSON:
I'm here, Mork, waiting for your report.
Well, sir, this week I learned
about solving problems.
You were playing detective?
Wrong, your gravity!
Got you there!
We're talking about affection,
not detection.
You see, it seems
that Earthlings have the need
to talk about their problems
with people that they love.
Why do they choose
to burden their friends?
Well, in the words
of honorable Charlie Chan,
( AS CHARLIE CHAN ):
"A man who, ah, bottle up problems
liable to pop cork."
Mork. Sir.
Is this typical human behavior,
feeling free to discuss
their personal hang-ups
with each other?
All I know, sir,
is if Romeo and Juliet
had talked more,
their story might have had
a happier ending.
But then, who would've
ever heard of them?
Well. Sorry.
What about that old Earth saying
that talk is cheap?
Well, sir, I don't know
if that's true,
but when it comes to helping
others, talk is priceless.
Until next week, sir,
Nanus is good news. Nanu.
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )
( UPBEAT THEME PLAYING )