Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 4 - Mork in Love - full transcript

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Babalu, Mindy.

Hi, Mork.

Boy, am I glad you're home.

Could you do me a little favor?

Of course.

Uh, would you put
away your space suit?

Oh, sure.

Ah, space suit, good to see you.

Ah.



Oh, of course I miss you.

Yes, yes.

You see, I have to
wear Earth clothing

now that I'm here on Earth.

It's true.

Mork, you talk to
your space suit?

Of course. It spoke first.

I'd be rude not to reply.

But you're treating
it like it's alive.

It is.

It's made up of billions
of tiny living cells.

Whew!

If you call that living.

I'm sorry... you know it's true.



You smell bad.

You see, you earthlings
are in a primitive state,

but you'll realize that
life exists in many forms

throughout the universe when
you gain higher intelligence

and more sophistication.

Time for dodo num-nums, okay?

What?

No, I can't tell
you a story tonight,

so you just hang in there.

Ne-ne.

I know it's probably my fault.

Spare the rod
and spoil the suit.

Oh, how'd your observation
of traffic go today?

Oh, not very well.

Why do they call it rush
hour when nothing moves?

Got me.

I had to go to a movie instead.

Oh, you did? What'd you see?

Oh, it was a love story
called Here Comes the Fleet.

Oh, yeah, I love that one.

I'd like to see that one again.

So would I.

I have several
questions I'd like

to ask you about
it, if you don't mind.

Oh, go ahead.

All right.

You remember Biff and Margie?

Sure. You remember
when they first met,

they had this horrible fight,
and then the very next scene,

they were together
on a date again. Why?

Because they
were falling in love.

Oh, I see.

Ah, sucker's hot.

But there's one small
thing I don't understand.

Hmm? What is this
thing called "love"?

You don't know?

I know it's an emotion,
but we abolished emotions

on Ork a billion bleems ago.

They took a vote,
and everyone said,

"All in favor?"

Well, Mork, if you
want to be an earthling,

you're just going to
have to experience love.

Oh. Oh!

Does this love
lead to... mating?

Yes.

Oh, good, because I've
been wanting to try that.

When can we start?

When can we start?

Oh, wow. Déjà vu.

Yes, you see, we
can have a mating,

and I can send back
a report to Orson

complete with slides,
video demonstrations...

Oh... Oh.

See, see, Mork, it
doesn't quite work like that.

See, um... mating...

I mean, love...

When a man and a woman
really care about each other, then...

Mindy, my suit needs me.

I'll be right back. Sure.

We'll discuss this
love another time.

Fine with me.

Your suit really
got me off the hook.

Oh, humor.

What is it?

Why didn't you think about
this before you went to bed?

I'd give them money if
they'd just learn another song.

Cora, well, it does
my heart good

to see you tending to my
inspired little window display.

Has she attracted many
customers yet today?

Customers, no.

Dust, yes.

And I'll tell you
another thing, Fredzo.

I'm getting a little tired

of picking dead
flies out of her wig.

Have your little joke, Cora.

Nothing you can say or do
is going to upset me today.

Life is wonderful,
life is sweet,

and I am thrilled to be alive.

Cool it. You're
bringing me down.

Well, if that's your attitude,

I'm going to bring
you down some more.

Cora...

what could I have
that would say,

"Here is a man
who is a success"?

A sign saying, "Here is
a man who is a success."

Wrong.

Driving a brand-new Cadillac.

That says a man is a success.

Mm, well, it doesn't
say much for you.

You drive a '69 compact.

Not after today.

I have scrimped,
and I have saved,

but it was worth it.

I've got $2,300 in here,

and that gives me just
enough to swing the deal.

Here, look. Isn't it a beauty?

Now, why do you need
a car three blocks long

when you only live a
block and a half away?

Well, I don't need the
car to drive to work.

I need the car to drive to
my high school class reunion

this Saturday night,

and that's 53 miles from here.

I thought you hated high school.

Oh, no, no, no, I
didn't hate high school.

I hated Forrest Collins.

Why?

Because he was big,

because he was a bully,

and because he said I'd
never amount to anything.

You know it's strange,
but Elizabeth never told me

any of this.

Well, because I never told her.

In fact, I never told
anybody about it until now.

But look, that's behind me.

I've saved my money,
and I'm getting my Cadillac,

and there is nothing
that anybody can say

that can stand in the
way of my happiness.

Hello, Daddy!

Except that.

"Daddy."

Hello, Mork. Come in.

Hello, Mrs. Hudson.

Where's Mindy?

Well, she's out on an errand,

but she should be back soon.

Oh, a wingless hibenginie.

I thought they were extinct.

Guess they are. Stiff city.

Yes.

Mrs. Hudson. Hmm?

May I ask you something
very personal? Shoot.

How do you know when
you meet the person

you'll fall in love with?

Oh, Mork, I promise you,

when you meet the
right one, you'll know it.

And you knew the minute
you met Mr. Hudson?

Oh, yes.

It took 15 years
for us to realize

it was love at first sight.

Now, you're going to need these

while you're waiting for Mindy.

Oh, good, snacks.

No, no. No.

No, they're, uh...

they're to make the
music sound better.

That's illogical... How
can anything sound better

by putting cotton in
your ears? You'll see.

I understand you now!

Please be here.

Oh, please, please,
please, please be here.

Oh, good!

Oh, no!

Oh, darn it.

Mindy!

Oh, hi, Mork.

Ooh, heavy vibrations.

Early sensor reading

says anxiety, depression,
state of defunk.

What seems to be

the matter?

Oh, I'm just disappointed

in the mail.

Ah, then let me
teach you something.

You see, it's common
throughout the universe

for the female of the species
to be disappointed in the male.

The nimnul factor's omnipresent,

and they can be such
beasts sometimes.

No, Mork, you don't understand.

I was expecting
a special letter.

Oh, let me give you one.

How 'bout "K"?

Maybe an "F" or a "U"?

Oh, Mork...

I'm sorry. I was just
trying to cheer you up.

It's not going to help.

See, Mork, I never
finished college

because I didn't really
know what I wanted to do.

Yeah, but now I
know I want to go back

and go on and get my
degree in Journalism,

and I'd applied
for this scholarship,

and I was just turned down,

and now I can't go back...

What are you doing?

Making a fool out of myself.

I understand that's common
in light of what's happened.

What do you mean?

Ooh.

I took your advice,
and this afternoon,

I went out, and I fell in love.

What?! Oh, she's beautiful.

The first time our eyes met...

I knew... I knew it
was the real thing.

You see, I'm madly...

I am madly in love.

Mork, you can't
fall madly in love

with someone you just met.

Love takes time.

No, you won't say that
after you meet Dolly.

Oh. Well, certainly, I'd
like to meet her sometime.

Oh, no time like the present.

She's out in the hall.

Can I bring her in, huh,
can I, can I, huh, can I?

Of course. I mean, you
shouldn't have left her

standing out there alone.

Oh!

Shh. Mindy...

meet... Dolly!

You dance divinely, my darling.

Mork. Oh.

I want you to sit down.

I have to have a little
talk with the both of you.

I mean, uh...

Oh, just sit down.

After you first, my dear.

There we go. Relax.

Now, I don't know
how else to say this

but to just come
right out with it.

You can't have a meaningful
relationship with a mannequin.

Why not?

She's beautiful, shy, quiet.

Of course she's quiet,
she can't even talk.

Oh, haven't you heard
of body language?

My darling, whoa, oh, oh, oh.

I love it when she
talks dirty like that.

Mork, you can't love
an inanimate object.

Why not, you say
you love your book.

That's different.

And you said you loved
Here Comes the Fleet.

That's different, too.

Isn't my love for
Dolly different?

That's too different.

That's what I love about her.

She's unique, one of a kind.

That's what makes
her wonderful, isn't it?

Oh, Mork, yes, I think
she's just wonderful.

Now look, so far my day
has been pretty rotten.

Now I'd like to stay
here and talk to you two,

but I have some problems
of my own to work out,

so I think I'll just leave.

You have a good time.

We will.

At last we're alone, cara mia.

What shall we do
tonight, my love?

Hmm?

Maybe we can
go to the Balalaika,

that quaint gypsy restaurant

and ask for Bella,
our favorite waiter,

and he'll give us a
booth near the oyster bar.

I'd sit near the fireplace,

but I know that it bums
you out very much.

Then afterwards we'll
wander down the street,

look in store windows,

see if there's anyone
there you know.

We can go dancing, my love.

I know you don't like to dance.

You feel a little stiff
sometimes, but...

I have a better idea, cara mia.

Come, stand up in
your own special way.

Yes, I'll tell you what...

No, no.

Let me sweep you
off your feet, my love.

Let me show you some old
Roebuck catalogs now, come.

We're going up to my attic.

I'd like to show you some
of my special drawings.

A special romantic interlude,
just you, Mu-mu and me.

Upstairs we go, my love.

Oops.

Ooh.

Don't tell me, you've got a
headache now, don't you?

I don't get it.

What kind of a ding-dong

would take a mannequin
from a store window?

Well, what kind of a ding-dong

would put it there
in the first place?

I'm not going to
let it upset me.

Today is Fredrick C.
McConnell's big day.

Today I become a success.

In one hour, I pick up
my brand-new Cadillac.

If that's what makes
you happy, have fun.

Hi, Mindy. Hi.

Hi, dear. What's wrong?

I guess I'm not very good
at hiding my feelings, am I?

No, not unless
you're secretly happy.

Honey, honey, what's the matter?

Oh, Daddy, I wanted
to surprise you.

I was going to go
back to college.

College? Honey, that's wonder...

"Was"?

That's just it.

I was hoping for a scholarship,

only they canceled the program,

and I didn't get it.

And I can't afford the tuition.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well...

This is kind of a...
a dream of yours?

Yeah, I guess it is.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

How much money did you need?

Well, the scholarship
was for about $2,000.

$2,000?

That's an interesting figure.

That's... that's too
interesting for my bankbook.

Mindy.

Boy, is today your lucky day.

I mean, you were
gonna surprise me,

now I'm gonna surprise you.

Honey, ever since
you were a little baby,

I've been putting aside
a little money for you.

I was gonna save it

until you needed it and...

well, it looks like
you need it now.

What?

There's $2,300 in there.

I wish it could be more.

God, I wish it could be more.

This is incredible.

I'll second that.

Oh, Daddy.

Oh, Daddy, you're wonderful.

I can't believe this.

Well, I'm going to go
down right now and sign up.

Oh, thanks.

Ooh, I'll talk to
you guys later.

Oh, thanks again, Dad.

Eh, Frederick.

You just did a wonderful thing,

and I'm really
hacked off about it.

What?

Well, just when I
convince myself

that you're an absolute wiener,

you turn around and...

turn around and
do something nice.

Did you see the
look on Mindy's face?

I mean, anybody that can make

another human
being look like that,

he's gotta be a success.

Well, now I can go to my
high school class reunion

and hold my head
up in my old car...

if it starts.

And so I thought
you ought to know

that's what he really
was saving the money for.

I just don't believe him.

Oh, I know.

Sometimes he acts
like a BB stacker,

but... but underneath, dear,

your father's really
a... a good guy.

Oh, I know.

Well, I'll just have to
give him that money back.

Oh, no, no, don't
you dare do that.

Oh, no, you made him

very happy today.

More than a new car ever could.

And if you want
to make me happy,

don't you ever dare tell him

that I spilled the beans.

Why?

Well, you see, way down I know

that your father
really loves me,

and I don't want to do anything

to ruin our rotten relationship.

Good night, Mork.

Good night.

Good night, darling. Bye, Grams.

Excuse me,

but I find this all
rather puzzling.

Oh, well, it's just
another side of love, Mork.

A father's love
for his daughter.

He sacrifices...

Oh, I know that. I read Lolita.

Oh.

But it's the other love
that complicates things.

What other love?

Well, his love for her.

You see, he calls her bad names,

he tries to avoid her,
but yet he still loves her?

See, Mork, Dad and
Grandma need each other.

And that's what
love is all about.

Oh, that's just like
my love for Dolly.

You know, Mork, I don't know
about the rest of the universe,

but here on Earth
there's a big difference

between a living
woman and a mannequin.

Really?

Yeah.

Go get Dolly. I want
to show you something.

All right. I'll have
to wake her up.

She had a headache so I
put her in the guest room.

My love.

Get your sleeve off her, you...!

Come, my sweet.

Ah, there we go.

Okay,

now I want you to
hold Dolly's hand.

All right.

Mmm, nice.

Now, I want you to hold my hand.

Oh, even nicer, and
the fingers separate.

Okay, now I want
you to hug Dolly.

Ooh.

Help me. Help me.

Not bad.

Okay, now I want
you to give me a hug.

Whoa.

That's very, very nice.

And no dead flies either.

Okay, now I want
you to give Dolly a kiss.

Just like in the movies?

Just like in the movies.

Now it's your turn, right?

Well, yeah.

It's all right.

Do you see the difference?

Whoa.

Aah, aah, aah, aah.

Genetic memory.

Whoa, primitive
stirrings deep inside.

Whoa. Whoa.

Amrak. Crazen.

Yo, baby. No, no.

Oh.

Oh, I... I think I understand.

The for-real human being

is much better than
a plaster replica.

Oh.

Mindy, can we be
alone for a moment?

We are alone.

No, no.

Dolly and me.

Oh. Oh, sure.

I understand, I think.

Um, I have a few things

that I could pick up at
the store, anyway, so

you two be alone.

Dolly?

Dolly, darling.

We have to have a little talk.

That's all right.

That's why I love you

because you're
such a good listener.

Dolly?

Why are you staring
off into space like that?

I guess you know
what's coming. I...

You better kinda lay
back for a second.

We're different, dear,

and I come from a planet
where there are no emotions,

and all of a sudden I met you

and, "zingo," I felt something.

It was like

I guess as you humans say,

"I'll stop bushing
around the beat."

Um, dear, I...

when I first met you, I
found you very special,

the way you... the way you're
so straight and yet, friendly,

and the way your
ankles turn around,

kinda like backwards like that.

Kinda like Linda Blair and, I...

I don't know, darling, I...

it just isn't going to work.

You're too good for me.

I know, I know.

Well, look at it this way.

Someday you'll meet the
mannequin of your dreams,

and you're no dummy, Doll...

I know, no offense. Sorry.

So all I can say to
you, my love, it's...

it's over.

I, um,

I'll miss you.

No, no, don't...
No, you can't cry.

Take care.

I'll drop by and
look in on you, and...

I'll miss you, love.

No, no, don't pass out on me.

Guess this means

farewell forever, my love.

Oh.

You didn't have to
give the ring back.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

This is Orson.

What's the matter with you?

Me? Nothing.

You've got a strange
look on your face.

Maybe it's love.

Love?

Isn't that an emotion?

It's a many splendored thing.

It makes the world go round.

It'll keep us together.

It's all you need.

All I need is a report
that makes sense.

Oh.

Love doesn't make sense.

That's why earthlings
think it's so wonderful.

Is there anything
similar to it on Ork?

No.

What happens is you
get hot and sweaty.

You can't eat, you can't sleep,

and you feel dizzy all the time.

It sounds like that
disease you got on Venus.

Yes, Venusian's Revenge.

We Orkans made
the right decision

in giving up emotions.

I'm not so sure, Orson.

You see, we may
have given up too much.

Even though I'm more
advanced than these humans,

sometimes I...

I feel so primitive,

I'm afraid I don't understand.

Neither do I, Orson,
but I'm not afraid.

This is Mork signing
off till next week.

Nanu-nanu.