Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 23 - It's a Wonderful Mork - full transcript

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Stop it! Stop!

Mork, your lesson
is officially over.

Oh, really, Mrs. Hudson?

I want to get to the
part where I get to go...

"Oh, yeah!"

Hi.

Why, what's the matter, dear?

Oh, I've been having a hard
time finding a part-time job

that goes along with
my journalism major,



so I've been pounding
the pavement all morning.

Oh, you shouldn't do that.
You might wake up the Chinese.

With the war going the way
it is, they need a lot of sleep.

Anyway, I've been to
newspapers and ad agencies

and publishing
companies, and they all say

that I'm either too young

or I don't have
enough experience.

And one place
wouldn't give me a job

because they said I was a woman.

Well, next time,
don't tell them.

Well, dear, I'm sure there's
a businessman somewhere

who would be glad to get
hold of a young, eager woman.

Oh, there's plenty of those.

Except my major's
journalism, not fooling around.



Oh, come on, Mindy. Fooling
around can be fun. Watch.

Mork...

Come on, this is
important to me!

Oh.

Boy, I've really blown it again.

Now I've got a right
to play the blues.

Excuse me, sir. Ma'am?

I'm looking for someone to
give music lessons to my son.

Oh, you came to the right place.
That woman over there taught me

everything I know.

No!

Mork!

Mork, please, I make my
living from teaching music.

Oh, right now I
feel like a light bulb

in the Buckingham Palace.

What?

A royal screw-up.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Hudson.

Well, sorry doesn't
pay the rent.

Uh...

Mindy? Hmm?

Why is this job so
important to you?

Well, journalism
courses are one thing,

but I'd like to get
out in the real world

and write something good...

You know, something
that will really excite people.

Why not try "For a
good time, call Mindy."

Oh, hi, honey.

You're looking
very pretty today.

Prettier than ever.
Good to see you, Mork.

Love your suspenders.

I'd give them to you, Pop,
except my voice would...

change.

Well, you certainly are
in a good mood today.

Who was that on the phone?

I've met the kind of woman
every man dreams about.

She's sophisticated,
yet young at heart.

She's independent,
yet vulnerable.

And she has a
certain je ne sais quoi.

Qu'est-ce que c'est,
"Je ne sais quoi?"

A figure that
would stop a truck.

Oh.

Fat city, huh?

Well, I've never
heard you talk like this.

You sound like
you're really smitten.

Sounds like he's beyond
smitten and into smut.

Mork, cool it!

No, that's all right. When
I'm feeling this good,

he can say anything he wants to.

Oh, thanks, skinhead.

I've, um...

I've bought Margaret
a little present.

Take a look. I've
got it right here.

I hope she likes it.

Now...

what do you think? Wow!

One for each day of the week.

How come there
are only six of them?

Sundays we rest!

Oh, I read you, Pop.

Oh-ho! Yada, yada, yada, yada.

Hey, Dad, tell you what.

Why don't you invite Margaret

to dinner at my
house tomorrow night?

If she's not that busy...

Too busy? For the man
she calls "Ol' Tiger Lips"?

Listen, when I go
like this, she jumps!

Well, I can't wait
to meet the woman

who finds you so fascinating.

Oh, actually, she's the
one who's fascinating.

She was just appointed editor
of Rocky Mountain Illustrated.

No kidding? She's an editor?

Yeah. Listen, I'll
make a great roast beef

and spell my
resume out in niblets.

Yeah, and I'll provide
the dinner music. Watch.

Why don't we have our
coffee in the living room?

Uh...

more vino, Margaret?

Oh, thank you, Fred.

Ahh...

Here... let me help you up.

Mork, do you want some coffee?

No, thank you, ma'am.

Mork, you've been
awfully quiet tonight.

Yes, sir, with all due respect.

You certainly have nice manners.

Oh, thank you, ma'am,
but I was told if I didn't,

I'd be blowing
succotash out my nose.

He's such a kidder.

So, Margaret,

I'm really excited
about your offer.

I can't tell you how hard
I've been looking for a job.

Well, I always try to
encourage young writers,

and I'd especially
like to help you.

You're exactly like your
father described you.

- Well, thank you.
- That's funny.

You're not at all like
he described you.

I was expecting a big
brake pedal. What?

Well, he said you had a
figure that could stop a truck.

Why... thank you, Fred.

Oh, I think what
Mork is trying to say

is that my father finds
you very attractive.

Yes, yes, that's it.

I guess you're the
only one that can do it.

Do what?

Well, he says whenever
he does this, you jump.

Come on, you can
do it. Up, up. Let's go.

Through the hoop.
There we go. Come on.

Mork!

Mork!

Oh, I guess your
thighs are tired.

You'd better give those
little suckers a rest, then.

Well... Margaret, I-I just
really want to thank you again

for inviting me by
your office tomorrow.

It's nice of you

to give Mindy a job even
though she's a woman.

Well, what's wrong with
being a woman? Mindy says

it's hard for a woman to get
a job unless she fools around.

Well, it so happens, Mindy,

that some of us
are quite successful

solely because of our ability.

That's right. I mean,

who would want to fool
around with Margaret?

Oh, really? Oh, I mean...

I mean... That's
not what I meant.

Sometimes things... uh...

come out the way
I didn't mean them.

Well, you're doing awfully
good for a man with tiger lips.

Tiger lips?

You told them...?

I suppose you told them
about "Let's Play Circus," too?

And "Bambi Bottom"!

Ooh, soft, whoa.

I think I've heard
enough. I'm leaving.

Uh, Margaret! Margaret!

And about that
interview, Mindy...

sorry, we're only hiring men.

N-N-No, wait!

Wait! Bambi!

Cute couple.

Anything I can do to help?

Help?!

Haven't you done enough already?

In one night, you have ruined my
father's life, and you've ruined my life.

Boy, Mork, sometimes I just
wish you'd mind your own business!

Mork calling Orson...

Come in, Orson...

Mork calling Orson...

Come in, Orson...

Mork calling Orson...

Come in, Orson...

You're lucky to
catch me in, Mork.

You're calling at
the wrong time.

That figures, sir.

I can't seem to do
anything right recently.

That's why I want to
come home, Orson.

Why? I thought you
like it down there.

No, sir, I don't seem
to fit in very well.

It seems that no
matter how hard I try,

I keep lousing up the
lives of the people I care for.

I've got to come home,
sir. I'm-I'm pig slop.

I want you to stay there
and keep sending back

those reports about
Earth behavior.

It's no use, sir. I've goofed up

the entire year I've been here,

and I want to
leave before I cause

serious damage
to someone's life.

I'm-I'm worm sweat.

I think you're being a
little hard on yourself, Mork.

Oh, not at all, sir.

It's just that I'm bean dip,
and I've got to come home.

Well, perhaps.
But let's make sure.

If you don't mind
submitting yourself

to the Plasmic
Essence Reversifier.

Oh, that sounds wonderful, sir.

I'd love it! What is it?

A newly developed process
which will enable you to see

what paths your friends
would have taken the past year,

had you not come
into their lives.

I know what that'd be.

They'd be better off without me.

Why don't you see for yourself?

You will merely
be an observer...

unable to be seen or heard.

When I activate the Reversifier,

the entire year of your
experiences on Earth will be erased.

All right, sir.

I'm ready.

Rub me out.

I'm putting you on rewind.

Whoa, talk about your reruns.

Mindy!

Mindy! It's me. Mork!

Oh-ho!

Mindy, Mindy...

Mindy!

It's Morko, the pinheaded boy.

Ha-ha!

I'm home.

Fun's fun, joke's over.

Okay.

Guess Orson's right. She
can't see me or hear me.

Maybe she can feel
me. I'll give her a tickle.

She always used to love that.

Ooh, I guess I'm not here,
so she can't even feel me.

It's too bad, she was
always a great tickle.

Whoa, Frederick's had a sale.

Hi, honey.

Well, I'm home.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, a ring!

Oh, no. Mindy's married.

I guess I was right.

Mindy'd be awfully
happy without me here.

Get me a beer, will you?

Sure, honey.

I'm really anxious to
hear about your big day.

Yeah, me, too.

Who is that, Mindy?

Oh, I remember.

That was your blind date.

He came over and I was going

to stick around with you

so he wouldn't bump into things.

He never saw you again.

I guess old Mork
the home wrecker

would have prevented
you from getting married.

Here you go.

Now tell me everything.
I want to hear all about it.

Look, I need a little
time to unwind, huh?

Oh, sure.

I'll help.

Oh.

I guess there's no need

for this Orkan
around here anymore.

I'm going miss you, Mind.

I'd give you a hug...

but I can't.

Take care.

If you ever need
me, just whistle.

Hello.

Well, I might as well tell you.

You're going to find out anyway.

I was fired.

Well, what happened this time?

Oh, a thorn in the bed of roses.

Well, it wasn't my fault.

You see, I owed Red, my bookie,

a couple of bucks,

so he repossessed
the company car.

My boss resented it.

Cliff, you promised
that you were going

to try and quit gambling.

So what's the big deal?

You've got two jobs.

Two jobs?

Oh, that's wonderful, Mindy.

You're pursuing
your writing career.

That's fantastic.

Oh, that's another reason
why you don't need me around.

Ciao.

Do you think that I like being

a salesgirl and a
cocktail waitress?

Wiping fingerprints
off of a counter

during the day and
off of this at night?

When do you have time to write?

And then all my money

goes to pay off
your gambling debts.

You know, we could
have had a house by now.

Buzz off, huh?

Do you know what you are?

I'll tell him.

You're... You're a toad tush!

You're scuttle butt!

You're whale whiz!

Come on, come on, come on.

What?

Forget it.

Oh, come on, Mindy,
use your imagination.

At least call him moose mush.

I've had enough.

Yeah, I've had enough

of you, too, mildew mouth.

Come on out here!

Cliff.

Come on out here, clown!

I'll zap you!

Oh, Mindy, this wouldn't happen

if I was around.

Boy, I'd nail him.

I'd stick my finger
down his throat

and weld his tonsils together.

If he tried to give you any lip,

it'd sound like.

Can you get down off that bed

and stop playing with
that stupid ball of yarn!

Look at the good side,
at least you have a pet.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Oh, Mrs. Hudson's your pet?

She's cute, and
she can't kill birds.

That's wonderful.

Are you all right, Grandma?

Oh, yes, dear.

I was just sitting
there knitting

like I always do.

I'm knitting a
new shawl for Iran.

Oh, that's where I
left that other needle.

I'll get that.

Hello!

Daddy!

When did you get back in town?

Tonight. Oh, sweetheart.

Freddy!

Oh, Cora.

Oh, Freddy.

I can't believe

you changed this
much in eight months!

Whoa!

Everyone run for your lives!

It's the invasion of
the scalp snatchers!

Hide your noses,
everyone. Hide your noses.

So, how was Europe?

C'est magnifique.

Oh.

And where's my favorite
son-in-law, Cliff, huh?

Don't ask.

Uh, he's probably taking
a nap or something.

Oh, I understand.

He probably worked hard all day.

You're in for a big surprise.

Honey, I was so happy
when you got married.

Well, it looks like
even you can be happy

without my being here.

You have a wonderful husband,

and Cora has a home

where she's welcome and loved,

and I could finally

sell the house and the store

and get out and see the world

and grab for some gusto.

I decided it was time

to catch up on the
life of a single man.

So I flew to the Continent,
and I met Veronica.

Veronica?

Uh-huh.

A former Miss Teenage Bulgaria.

Ah, she was the kind of
woman every man dreams of.

She had a certain
je ne sais quoi.

I can translate for you.

"I like you."

The times we spent together,

dancing till dawn...

champagne suppers on the strand,

and sailing into the sunset.

Dive! Dive! Dive!

Mindy, where's dinner?

Oh, the plot clots.

Cliff! Son, how are you?

Oh, look who's back.

You going to live here, too?

I used to, but
now things have...

Look, if you don't
have dinner ready,

I'm going to Red's place.

Give me some money.
No, don't, Mind...

No, Cliff, you're just going

to gamble it away anyway,

and right now we need
every penny we can get.

I'll get it myself.

Where's your wallet?

No, no, wait.

Keep away from that. Don't do...

No, keep your
hands off her tips!

Stop thief! Stop!

Good-bye, Cliff.

Hope you fall off your name.

I had no idea.

Oh, today's one
of his good days.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I should
go and talk to him.

Oh, no, Pops, don't do that.

You don't want footprints on
your new rug again, do you?

Where is this Red's place?

Oh, it's a bookie joint.

You can't miss it.

It used to be the music store.

Things sure have changed.

It's too bad.

Can I do anything
to help you, dear?

No, thanks, Grandma.

I'd just like to be
alone for awhile.

Well, if you have
someone nearby, dear,

who loves you,
you'll never be alone.

Oh, what a McKuen-like
thing to say, Grandma.

I'll go booby-trap the bed.

Now let's see.

Cliff sleeps on...
the right side, yes.

Oh, don't cry.

I don't want to see
your eyes leaking.

Don't cry, it's not
the end of the world.

That comes in the year 2118
when the giant bees come.

And Regis Philbin is elected

President of the United States.

Oh, Mindy, come
on. I got a joke.

Here's something
to cheer you up.

Knock, knock.

Oh, bad choice, huh?

Wait, Mind.

Come on, don't be sad.

Hey, listen, here's a joke.

What do you get when you cross

a German Shepherd and a giraffe?

A watchdog for the eighth floor.

All right, here's
another one, okay.

Why did Einstein throw

his brother's clock
out the window?

He wanted to see relative time.

Come on, Mind,
they laugh at this

on Mercury, and they
don't even have mouths.

Oh, Mindy.

Wait, look. Look at this.

A little Martian yarmulke.

Oh, look. Look. Mick Jagger.

♪ Talk about your
midnight rambler. ♪

Oh, Mind, hey, don't cry.

Listen, you wouldn't
be crying if I was here.

Come on.

There's no reason to cry.

Here's your wallet.

Oh, thanks, Pop.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh, honey.

Oh, Dad.

Honey, honey, take it easy.

Come on, let's go sit down

and have a heart-to-heart talk.

Oh, sweetheart...

I have a confession to make.

I'm alone, too.

Veronica lasted just
as long as my money,

which wasn't very long.

Well, you still have me.

Me, too.

Well...

I guess I won't be
needing this anymore.

Or the lies that went with it.

I can't understand it.

Cliff seemed to have
so much promise.

Oh, he did till he
started gambling,

and it just sort of
took over his life.

And now he's...
he's willing to gamble

on anything but us.

You know,

I'd always hoped you'd
meet someone who was

mature...

responsible,

independent.

Yet somebody who
was, mm, easygoing.

Oh, say, what's happening, man?

What's happening?

Carefree.

Oh. ♪ Lah. ♪

And somebody
who was full of life.

The most important thing to me

is somebody who
can make me laugh.

Oh, Mindy, I used to be
able to make you laugh.

Hey, remember.

You know what I'd like to do?

Let's go for a walk
the way we used to.

I'd like that.

Yeah, me, too.

Let's all go.

Oh, honey, look.

It's starting to rain.

That's okay.

I like walking in the rain.

That way nobody
can tell if you're crying.

I can...

Orson, I've seen enough.

I don't want her
to end up like this.

Please, bring me back to now.

Mork, I have to talk to you.

You have to talk to me?

Really?

You can see me?

Whoa, it's a wonderful life!

Mork...

Ha-ha! She touched me.

Yazoo yazoo!

Mork, I want to apologize for
snapping at you a minute ago.

Oh, no, you can be mean
and nasty any time you want.

Oh, no, I can't.

Yes, you can, you
can, you can, you can,

you can, can, can, can.

You see...

you have to be patient with me.

I was upset because
I thought I'd lost a job.

But I'd rather lose a hundred
jobs than a friend like you.

Oh, listen, I'm new at this,
and I've got a lot to learn,

but if anyone's going
to mess up your life,

I hope for your sake, it's me.

Oh.

Ha, ha, ha, har, ar.

Oh.

Oh, that reminds me of a joke.

What do you get when you cross

a German Shepherd and a giraffe?

A watchdog for the eighth floor.

How did you know that?

I'm not sure.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

♪ Mork calling Orson ♪

♪ Come in, Your Fattitude ♪

♪ Yow, baby, get down ♪

I'll be with you in
a moment, Mork.

There's a caller on
another brain cell.

I'll hold.

Yes, what is it?

Sorry, there's no one
named Juanita here.

Juanita no en la casa.

Good-bye.

I'd love to know

who had this brain before me.

Sounds like Ricardo Montalban.

Sir, you'll never
guess what I learned.

You'll never guess.
Go on, take one guess.

Too late! Okay, I'll tell you.

I learned that I'm okay.

I'm not as bad
as I thought I was.

That's a lesson
one can only learn

from the School of Oneself.

Wow, what a
Werner-like thing to say.

But you know something, Orson?

I'd like to thank you
for letting me see

what Mindy's life would
be like without me.

But please, I never want to see

what my life would
be like without her.

You know, Mork,

I think you're
beginning to grow.

Well, sir, I don't know

how much value I
have in this universe,

but I do know that I
made a few people happier

than they would've
been without me,

and as long as I know that,

I'm as rich as I
ever need to be.

So I'll catch you on the
rebound, Your Magnitude.

Until next week.

Nanu, nanu.