Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 21 - In Mork We Trust - full transcript

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Okay...

left foot on the blue dot.

Look out!

Oh... what happened?

I'm sorry.

And Mork...

I'm sorry I sat on your face.

That's all right, Julius.

I do it all the time.



Okay? Great. Thanks.

Are you all right?

Sure. I love to play
"Squash the Alien."

Oh.

Could you breathe down there?

Only out.

Well, I'm sorry all those
people fell on you, Mork.

Oh, that's a great game.
Let's play another game

like, "Musical Spikes"
or "Hide and Go Kill."

Ah, Why don't you
just come out and say

you don't want to
play this silly game.

I didn't want to be rude.

Come on in.

Okay, I'll spin again.



Please... don't get up.

They didn't come
in that way, did they?

That's obscene.

It looks like a Christmas
card from Hugh Hefner.

It's just a game.

See, they're not
supposed to fall over.

Oh?

Left hand to blue...

Mr. Bickley, you
can't just come in here

and start shoving
my guests around.

You should at least ask first.

Do you know what that
sounds like downstairs?

Like R2-D2 trying
to do a soft-shoe.

Oh, come on.

We just started
playing this game.

And what trouble-maker is
sucking ice into his mouth

and spitting it back
into an empty glass?

Oh, sorry.

And stop putting ice
cubes in your drinks.

You know what it's like

being under 13 people
all tinkling at once.

I guess we'll have to
try and be more quiet.

Tell you what... we'll
only play "spin the sock",

and we'll replace our
stereo needle with a Q-tip...

and we'll only play
charades wearing gloves.

Shut up!

Thank you.

Look, Mr. Bickley...

look, I have just
about had it...

Hey, don't try to get cozy

with me, sweetie pie.

I'm steamed.

And when I'm steamed,
it's no more Mr. Wonderful.

I have my rights and
I'm not leaving here

until there's no more dancing, singing,
laughing, talking or bodily sounds.

Oh, sorry.

Look at that, it's 8:30 already.

Well, we better be going...

Wait a minute you guys.

Don't let him scare you off.

See you later.

Oh, really...

Come on, Julius...

I'm sorry, Mindy.

I have to go.

I have a self-assertion class.

I'm afraid if I'm
late, they'll kill me.

Come on, Julius.

We'll get together
again... real soon.

Over my dead body.

Hey, that's a great game.

It takes a long
time to play though

and gets kind of
gross near the end.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Everyone's gone.

When it comes to parties,
I'm the super pooper.

Mr. Bickley, you
are the worst...

you are the most unreasonable...

Don't forget cantankerous.

That's on my business cards.

Hey, what's this?

A transistor noise-maker?

No, no, no, no, see...
That's a radio for deaf mutes.

See?

♪ I love you more than
you'll ever know... ♪

Turn it down.

♪ I love you more than
you'll ever know... ♪

I know what it is, Mr. Wiseacre.

It's a pocket calculator.

Big deal!

Well, this is an
incredibly boring party.

You know, it's funny.

When you're actually up here,

it's not so noisy.

Whew, boy, am I glad

he didn't start
pushing any buttons

on this Age Machine.

Why? I think it would be funny

seeing Bickley
acting like a little kid.

Except, he'd
probably tell his mother

to put a muffler on his rattle.

That's impossible.

You see, only Orkans are
affected by the Age Machine.

No matter who
presses these buttons,

I'm the one who goes
through the changes.

Well then, you'd better
put that in a safe place.

Yeah, you're right.

I sat on it once and
became two ages at once.

That must've been terrible.

Yeah, I became a Boy Scout

and an octogenarian
at the same time.

I spent days helping
myself across the street.

Dad, Grandma,

has anybody seen
my Mindy necklace?

Well, I don't think it's
here anywhere, honey.

Did you lose it?

Well, I-I took it off
at my party last night

and when we were
cleaning up, I couldn't find it.

It's my theory that it was
sucked into a parallel universe.

The same universe that socks go

when you lose them in the dryer.

I bet that Jimmy Hoffa
is wearing it right now.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have a luncheon date.

And I must go and spray
myself with ♪ Charlie ♪.

You know, I'd hate to
think that somebody took it.

It was just a cheap necklace.

I don't know why
anybody would want it.

All right,

let's use our powers
of deductive reasoning.

Whoever took it had
to be named "Mindy".

Now who at the party
was named Mindy?

All right, up against
the wall, sister!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Come on. This is serious.

Why would I take
my own necklace?

The insurance?

Why don't you call up
everybody who was at the party

and ask if they're
a despicable thief?

Boy, I hate to think it
was taken by a friend.

Hey, I've got an idea.

I'll tell you what.

We'll go to Jamaica,
get a gris-gris man,

put de voodoo on it, man,

wait till his arms fall
off, then we know, man.

We got him hands down, boys.

Hello, Debbie Wilson?

Yes, this is Mork.

I'm a friend of Mindy's.

Well, any friend of Mindy's
is a friend of mine, too.

Listen, did you steal
Mindy's necklace?

What? I don't know what that has

to do with anything,

but yes, I can
blow it out my ear.

No, I'm sorry, not raw.

Okay.

Oh! Some friend!

Hi. Guess what I
got us for dinner.

I got us some spare ribs.

Did you find my necklace?

No, because I'm
still playing detective.

Listen, sweetheart, if
you'd like to be my assistant,

how about your
going in the bedroom

and slipping on that
flimsy negligee I got for you.

Okay, Sherlock,

when you find out who
dunnit, you let me know.

I found out who didn't done it.

I phoned everyone in your
class and accused them.

You what?

Yes. When I ran out of that,
I had to widen the search.

I used this book
of mug shots here.

Those aren't mug shots.

That's my high school yearbook.

Oh, yeah? What about this one?

Linda Birchey.

She received the
Catharine The Great Award

from the 4-H Club,

was voted "loosest and
most likely to succeed."

Mork, that girl
isn't a criminal.

She's a cheerleader.

Oh, that explains when
she told me to drop dead,

she spelled out:

Give me a "D," give me
an "R," give me an "O."

Wait a minute.
You talked to her?

Oh, yeah. I called
everybody in this book.

And by the way,
Molly Berger says hello

and she'd like to push
your face in a Cuisinart.

I can't believe you
called all my friends.

I can't believe what
they called you.

Oh, Mork, how could
you do this to me?

Do this to you?

I'm the one that had to take
the abuse and the threats.

Threats? Yes, but don't worry.

No one's going to burn down
this house as long as I'm alive.

Oh, Mork!

Wow! I didn't know
we had one of these!

Oh, I forgot.

You haven't seen one of
those before, have you?

Are you kidding? I
know how to use this.

Watch this, mama.

Meadowlark, check this action.

I'm goin' in for a
slam dunk. Ta-da!

Oh, no, I didn't
know it was with litter.

That was our dessert.

Oh, heavy melon-choly.

No, it might be
the Fruit Police!

Don't worry. I'll
answer the door.

We have to be
cautious about this.

Are you expecting a zipper?

You have some nerve, McConnell.

She's also got a great
set of frontal lobes, too.

I can't work with
all this noise.

Sorry about that.

That won't happen
again, will it, Wilt?

Not until we grow another ball.

It better not.

I've been stuck on the
same verse for hours.

Why didn't you
come to me for help?

Listen, what are neighbors for?

I was tops in my poetry class.

Listen to this.

There was a young
fweeble from glerm,

whose foboes were
stuck in her blerm.

As she plimmeled her
quaft and said with a twaft...

Excuse me.

That's good.

It's filthy, but it's good.

I knew you'd like it.

Hey, that's an idea.

I'll change my
verse to a limerick.

Gee, thanks.

Thanks a lot. That's
terrific. Thank you.

And no more noise up here!

And now I've got to decide
whether to move to another city

or apologize personally to
my entire graduating class.

I'm sorry, Mindy.

I was just trying
to solve the case.

Oh, I know, Mork. Your
heart was in the right place.

Yeah, it's still there.

Hey, wait a minute,
the ribs are gone.

No, if they were gone,
I couldn't breathe.

I'd just blow up like...

No, no.

They were here a minute
ago and now they're gone.

All right, then let
me retrace my steps.

I was right here.

And Bickley was right here

and now Bickley
and the ribs are gone.

Well, who'd want
to steal Bickley?

No, Mork, Bickley
stole the ribs.

Why would he want to do that?

I don't know.

But he was at the
party last night, too.

Aha. And he had
access to your pork.

I don't understand it,

but he must have done it.

All right, let's put
the clues together.

First the necklace.

Now Grand Theft, pork.

That proves he's
not Kosher. All right.

Shazbot! What?

He stole my Orkan Age Machine.

Oh, no, that could be terrible.

He doesn't know what he has.

And if he starts
pressing those buttons...

Oh, it's okay, Mork.

He's gotta press another
button soon... I hope.

Whew. I'm back.

I'm glad he didn't
keep me there too long,

because at that age I
wasn't housebroken.

He must've taken
your Age Machine

because he thought
it was a calculator.

Yeah, I just hope he doesn't try

to balance his
checkbook tonight,

or I could be doing
squats with Sitting Bull.

I just can't believe...

Whew! All right, hon, that
was a wonderful TV dinner.

Thanks, not tonight, though,

I have a headache. Do you
know what I'm talking about?

Tell you what.

Let's pack the kids in the
car, we'll have a martini,

then we'll go to
the PTA meeting.

We'll raise the flag. Oh, no!

Oh-oh, I can't believe
what he's doing.

He set it for "Middle-Age".

I didn't even know I had an
attachment for "Middle America".

We'd better stop him
before he sets it for "Old Age"

or even worse, "Cadaver."

"Cadaver"? You
mean, like in corpse?

Oh, yeah, you
should try it sometime.

You always said you wanted

to see if your nails
could be longer.

This is serious.

Maybe Mr. Bickley
has kleptomania.

What's that?

Well, a kleptomaniac is a person

that steals compulsively.

Oh, like politicians.

Hey, Betty Lou, come on.

Let's go down to the lake
and listen to my voice change.

Come on. Let's go...

Look cooties, cooties!

Da-da-da-da-da!

Nyah-nyah-yah nyah-nyah-yah!

Whoa! He must be
doing long division now!

We've got to stop him
before he does square roots

and sends me all the way
back along my evolutionary track.

You mean, all the
way back to the ape?

Oh, no. You see, on
Ork there were no apes.

We evolved from...

Mork! Is that you?

Does this live here?

Uh... yes, he does, Officer.

His name is Mork.

Mork? I thought it
was Henny Penny.

I found him acting
like a chicken

and running back and
forth across the highway.

Mork, why were you
crossing the road?

I think I was evolving a joke.

I had this strange urge
to get to the other side.

He didn't do anything
wrong, did he?

We almost took him in on a 602:

Pecking an Officer.

Yeah, my nose is killing me.

What, uh, happened
to your clothes?

I was molting.

That's why...

that's why I put
that bag on him.

Well, thanks for
bringing him home.

Is this some kind
of fraternity prank?

No, I'm just weird.

Yeah!

That's what it is.
It's a fraternity prank.

Shake the officer's hand, Mork.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh! Sigma-Delta-Phi!

I'm Alpha-Nu.

You know... Iggy-diggy.

See you around
the campus, buddy.

My kind of guy.

Are you all right?

Yeah, now I am. But he sent me

all the way back
to cave-chicken.

It was really a
drag... Building fires,

trying to hatch
everything I could find.

You didn't have a baby in
the last half hour, did you?

No, I don't think
so. Phew! I'm glad

I didn't do that fertility
dance barefooted, then.

What's in the bag?

Oh, the usual... seeds, corn...

one egg I tried to hatch.

Phew! What a drag that was.

And this... this
came off a woman

I was dragging to build a nest.

The good parts got away, though.

Well, at least you're
back to normal now.

Yeah, but that's
just for the moment.

Who knows? If he starts
using that machine again,

I could be a gleam in some
Cro-Magnon rooster's eye.

Well, Mork, the only way
to handle the situation is

we're just going to
have to confront Bickley,

and tell him to give
us our stuff back.

You're right. I'm with
you, Mama. Let's go.

We're going to
make that rat squeal.

We're gonna make him
let the cat out of the bag

and let the beans fall now!
Come on, let's go! Let's go.

Hey, don't you think
you ought to change first?

I guess you're right.

It's kind of hard to look macho

in a green plastic dress.

Come on, Mr. Bickley, open up.

Yoo-hoo, sticky fingers!

It's all right. He's not here.

Let's go. Come on.

We'd better not. Come on, Mindy.

We've got to get that
Age Machine back.

Yeah, but Mork, it's against the
law to go into somebody's apartment

when they're not home,
even if the door is unlocked.

Oh, can you honestly say
that, since Watergate? Let's go.

Yeah, but we could get

in trouble!

No, come on!

Look, Bickley's working
on a new greeting card.

Let's see this...

"To a brave and fearless hunter,

"whose face is really red.

"You thought you
winged a turkey,

but it was your brother's head."

Boy, he's got one
for every occasion.

Look, here's your Age Machine.

Ah! Let's see if
it's still working.

I'll set it for "One
Second Ago."

I'll set it for "One
Second Ago."

I'll set it for "One
Second Ago."

Thank you, thank you,

thank you, thank you... Ah!

That thing is dangerous.

Look!

There's my Mindy necklace.

Ha! All the evidence is in.

Necklace...

meat... and this...

Obviously, we're dealing with

a carnivorous transvestite
with an age hang-up.

♪ "M" is for the million
things she gave me ♪

He's coming! ♪ "O" means
only that she's growing old... ♪

What do we do? Mallard! Mallard!

What? Duck!

♪ "R" means right ♪

♪ And right means ever true ♪

♪ Put them all together,
they spell "Mother" ♪

♪ And that's what I
will always be to you. ♪

Come on, sing along.

You can do it. Come on.

♪ "M" is for the million
things she gave... ♪

Uh-oh.

Running a little low.

I'd better get back to
the old friendly skies.

I've got a surprise for you.

That's why I made
you wear a blindfold

in the Doggie Department.

Look, isn't it cute?

Your own little fire hydrant.

With your own
little magazine rack.

Oh, and here's a treat to
make your teeth grow in

big and strong... and sharp.

Make the mailman earn that
last raise we had to give him.

Oh, woodgie-woodgie!

Oh! Bicky, you and
I are so much alike,

except for the hair and
the ears and the tail...

and the fleas.

Hope I didn't give you any.

You're the only
true friend I have.

You know...

I sometimes feel
you're like a son to me...

a sweet little boy.

I-I wonder, if you could talk,
what you would say to me.

You're a thief, Pop...

Well, that hurts, Bicky.

That rea... Wait a minute.

Dogs can't talk.

There must be
another animal in here!

Come on out! Come on!

Hi!

No shoot, G.I., no shoot.

Hey, what are you
two doing here?

Uh...

Hey, this is trespassing.

Well, uh...

You're breaking and entering.

You're thieves! Burglars!

Oh, no, it's not
like that. See...

Well, I'm sure there is

a very reasonable explanation

why you are in my apartment.

All right, let's hear it.

Yes.

As a matter of fact, there is a
reason why we're in your apartment.

We came here to get the stuff
back that you stole from us.

Prove it.

Do you think I'd take the
word of a couple of burglars?

Aw, come on, Bickley.

Cut the canine residue,
and let's get to it.

Why'd you do it?

You're so fond of those
stupid party games.

Why don't you guess?

All right.

You're a kleptomaniac.

Wrong!

Want some dip?

Oh, thank you.

You did it for the money?

No!

Want a cocktail weenie?

How do you get money
for fencing pork ribs?

I've got it! You horrible man!

You're building a Frankenpig.

Not even close.

You want a soft drink?

Oh, thank you.

Don't thank me. They're yours.

Oh, for a thief, you're
awfully gracious.

Thank you. Anyone want to dance?

Mr. Bickley, this
is not a party.

Well, not with everybody
standing around like this.

Mr. Bickley, did
you take our things

so that we'd come
down here to talk to you?

Hogwash! Why would
I want to see you?

You didn't invite
me to your party.

Whoa, you mean you
really wanted to come?

I would have gladly slipped a
disc to play that stupid game.

As it was, I had to come
down here and play it with Bicky.

You really love that ball of
fur we gave you, don't you?

My wife and I tried for years,

but we couldn't
have one of our own.

Ooh, heavy sigh.
A dogless couple.

I didn't know you were married.

I lost her in 1966.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Every night I pray...

the old bat doesn't find me.

She didn't like me, either.

You know, Mr. Bickley,

to have friends, you've
got to be nice, too.

There's always a price.

That's what I like about Bicky.

I don't have to do anything
to make him like me.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

I see you walking
him all the time.

Yeah, and I see you
feeding him and talking to him

and scooping up after
him. That's a lot of work.

Well, it's worth it.

He's never said an
unkind word to me.

Well, what the point is, is
that it's not that hard to be nice.

Yeah, and it was a lot of
work to steal all this stuff

just so we'd come
down and visit you.

Stealing wasn't
all that much work,

especially when it's from
someone you really care about.

Oh, Mr. Bickley,

I'm sorry you think
we slighted you.

There.

Listen, from now on,

we're going to be the
best of friends, okay?

Yeah, and if we ever find
anything missing again,

I promise we'll
come to you first.

Aw, that's really nice.

Look...

I'm not used to this
sentimental garbage.

I'll have to take a little
of this swill at a time.

Come on, get out
of here, you guys.

Come on. Hit the road.

That's it. Come on!

Vamoose, amscray.

That's it for the
night. Come on.

We want to be alone.

And if you find anything
of yours missing,

come by our place and
come look for it, okay?

Around dinner time.

And don't play that
stolen radio all night!

Some watchdog you are!

Come on, you want
to have a party?

Mork calling Orson...

come in, Orson...

Mork calling Orson...

come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Everything all right, Orson?

Yes, this better be good, Mork.

You got me out of the shower.

Oh, please don't shake yourself
dry this time, Your Immenseness.

Last time, it rained for weeks.

Get on with it, Mork,
while I look for a towel.

Oh, don't tarry, sir.

The report, Mork!

Sir! This week, I discovered

a terrible Earth disease
called "loneliness."

Do many people on Earth
suffer from this illness?

Oh, yes, sir. And
how they suffer!

One man I know suffers so much,

that he has to take a
medication called "bourbon."

Even that doesn't
help very much,

because he can hear paint dry.

Does bed rest help?

No, because I've heard
that sleeping alone

is part of the problem.

You see, Orson,

loneliness is a
disease of the spirit.

And people who have it think
that no one cares about them.

Do you have any idea why?

Yes, sir. You can count on me.

You see, when
children are young,

they're told not to
talk to strangers.

And when they go
to school, they're told

not to talk to the
person next to them.

And finally, when
they get to be very old,

they're told not to
talk to themselves.

Who's left?

Are you saying that Earthlings

make each other lonely?

No, sir, I'm saying
just the opposite...

That they make
themselves lonely.

They're so busy looking
out for number one,

they don't have room for two.

It's too bad
everybody down there

can't get together
and find a cure.

Well, here's the paradox, sir.

Because if they
did get together,

they wouldn't need one.

Isn't that Zenlike?

One hand clapping...

Until next week... nanu-nanu.