Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 20 - Mork's Night Out - full transcript

While Mindy's out of town, Mork drags Mr. Bickley to a single's bar where they meet a nefarious mother and daughter.

Nanu-Nanu.

( LOUD CLANK )

Shazbot!

( KNOCKING )

Hello?

Are you dressed, honey?

MORK:
Just my shorts, jockey.

Hi.

Oh, hello, dear.
Are you ready?

Well, I want you to know

that I am not looking forward
to this weekend.



Oh, I'm with you.

I'd rather have my nose pierced.

I agree, but it's an obligation.

Yeah, well, I haven't even
told Mork yet.

I feel so bad about running off

and leaving him stranded
for the whole weekend.

♪ It's a long way
to Alpha Centauri... ♪

( LOUD BEEP )

Yep.

It's me, the Doug Henning
of the skycaps.

Let's go. Let's take off.

Let's move it. Come on now.

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ Don't come back
no more, no more. ♪



Yeah, Mork, uh, Durango
is a long, unpleasant drive from here.

Now you don't want
to go there, do you?

♪ My kind of town ♪

♪ Durango is my... ♪

No, no, Mork,

no, it's a windy, twisty,
carsicky trip.

You wouldn't like it.
Are you kidding?

I'll love it.

It's my first car trip
here on Earth.

Please, you know,
I stayed up all last night

and look, I have
my instamatic glove

and I have a whole
thumb load full of film.

Since I heard you
were taking a trip to Durango last night...

I'm sorry I eavesdropped,
but since Watergate, anything's free.

Look, I made plans.

I bought these silly clothes.

I even made a map.
See this.

Wait.

It's topographical
and scratch-and-smell.

There's L.A.
Whoo, bad news.

Over here...
look at this.

We'll start out from Boulder
then we'll go

a little bit out of the way
to the Grand Canyon,

( ECHOES ):
canyon, canyon...

We'll go over here to New York.

We'll spend autumn in New York.

Then we'll drive over to Paris,

spend spring in Paris,
watch the leaves change,

then we'll go to Iran and watch
the governments change.

Mork.

Shah, shah, Ayatollah you so.

Shah-shah...

Mork...

you can't go.

Do my eyes deceive my ears?

Wait, you must be
pulling my krebits.

Mork, it's a family problem.

Uncle Jack is sick.

A drunken mime?

No, believe me,
you don't want to go.

Uncle Jack is a little strange.

I've never liked him
since he spit on me.

Why did he do that?

Well, it was years ago.
I had his tie.

What were you doing
with his tie?

Well, I was pulling it,
tighter and tighter.

I had him a lovely
shade of purple.

FRED:
He had it coming.

He was drunk.
Yeah.

See, it's a sickness
and he wants to get better,

so he checked himself
into a hospital.

His wife asked us to come down

and give him a little
moral support.

Yeah, so now that
we've explained,

do you understand?
Hey, listen,

you're talking to Mork
the Compassionate.

I was almost a saint.
Tell you what,

we'll leave out
the Grand Canyon.

That way, we can be with
Uncle Jack by Happy Hour.

Mork, you can't go.

Really, it's just
a family matter.

Anyway, he'd be embarrassed

to have a perfect stranger
see him like this.

That's all right.

I'm a sensitive life-form.

I'm not some Venusian Paramecium

that was evolved yesterday,
you know.

( FAKE CHUCKLE )

You'll be all right here

alone for the weekend,
won't you?

Sure, sure, why wouldn't I?

Well, you haven't been alone
for any period of time

since you've been here.

Hey, MINDY, let me lay
out some hard, cold facts.

I'm the type of guy
who's my own best friend.

I'm interesting, I'm amazing.

I can hold interesting
conversations

even with Tom Snyder.

Are you ever bored
when you're alone with me?

No, but...

Neither am I.

Same guy,
same amazing personality.

I think what Mindy's
trying to say is,

when you get used to
being around somebody,

it's kind of difficult
when they're gone.

Hey, we're not
talking a lifetime,

we're talking a weekend.
Two days.

Come on now, 48 hours.

Couple of thousand minutes,
some seconds there.

Hey, you know,
I know some Alpha Centurians

that spend that much time
just taking a coffee break.

Of course, they drink out
of hundred-gallon mugs, but...

You know, I think
we really should be going.

Good-bye, Mork.

Yeah, you kids get outta here.

Come on, before I kick you out.

Take a hike.
Come on, get out.

Well, then I'll see
you Sunday night.

Ciao.
Have a fantastic time.

And, hey, don't worry about me,

because I've got thousands
of things to do.

I'm going to build
that nuclear reactor for the hot tub

you've been wanting
for a long time. Okay.

Take care.
All right, bye.

Bye.

( SIGHS )

I'm so stinking bored!

MORK ( SINGS ): ♪ One more
bottle of beer on the wall ♪

♪ One more bottle of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall... ♪

One more time!

♪ A million bottles of beer
on the wall ♪

♪ A million bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those... ♪

I can't sing that song anymore.

Ten times is enough.
I almost know it by heart.

Let's see how many points.

Ah, only two points against me.

Er...

She's only been gone 24 hours,
and I'm going crazy.

What do you think?

Hey, don't look at me like that.

At least, you can do yoga.

What can I do?

Bickley's out of town.

Susan Taylor's
visiting the Broncos.

Shazbot!

Ha-ha! Ha-ha...!

They can't fool me.

Wait, a cure, a remedy.

Wait, here we go.

Uh...

( HIGH-PITCHED BEEPS )

Hello, Bob.

Oh, glad I caught you at home.

Hi. How are you?

Great, great, good to hear that.

Bob, how's the little woman?

Fantastic, fantastic.

Hey, Bob, the reason I called...

What?

MORK.

No, no, no, you don't know me.

Yeah, I just picked
your name out of the book.

Yeah, I thought with a name
like Bob Lipschultz

you've got to be
a fun kind of guy.

Bob, how about you and I
getting together...?

What? Bob?

Bad connection.

I guess it just hit me.

I didn't realise it till now
that I'm a people junkie.

Need a conversation fix.

Can you spare a word, man?
"No, I can't."

Shut up, give me a chance.

I need a fix real bad.

I got to talk to someone.
I really do.

( CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY )

Yes, I do!

Talk to someone.

Is there anybody...?

Is anybody out there?

Hey, you!

Yeah, changing the tire
on the semi.

Yeah, with the tattoo
on your face.

How are you?
Want to be my friend?

Hey, wait.
No, wait, wait, wait.

Don't!

Oh, an insurance salesman.

Whoa, nice throw!

You can get a job in front

of any American Embassy
in the world.

MAN:
Hey, you two, what's all the noise?

Bicky, is that you?

Yeah, and I want
the both of you to shut up.

No, no, no, wait!
Don't!

( GLASS BREAKS )

Mork, I want to talk to you.

Be right down.

Hey, big fella,
you forgot your rock.

Here you go, catch.

( SOFT THUD )

Whoa, nice stop,
right in the middle of tattoo.

Have a nice nap.

( KNOCKING )

Come in.

Bicky.

Look at that.

Wow, parallel universe.

Same thing happened to me.

You pea-brain.

What's the big idea

of getting that walking
tree trunk mad at you?

I didn't mean to
make him mad at me.

I just wanted to have a friend.

Mork, you're such
a babe in the woods.

There are certain things
you never do in this world

if you want to stay
in this world.

For example, never gargle
with crazy glue.

( LOW ):
Never gargle with crazy glue.

Never tap-dance in a minefield.

All right. No "Tea for Two" or...
( IMITATES EXPLOSION )

And never chide a man with
a tattoo on his face...

even if he's dead.

No dead tattoos.

I didn't mean to.

It was just that
I was bored and lonely.

Can't you think of a time

when you were bored and lonely?

I can't think of a time
when I wasn't bored.

No, I take that back.

I was once hit by lightning.

I wasn't bored
when I was in a coma.

Oh, come on, things
can't always be that bad.

Sure they can, kid.

When my wife and I got divorced,

part of the settlement

was that she got to keep
our friends.

We'll make new friends for you.

Tell you what.

We'll go out tonight.
We'll have a swell time.

We'll paint the town pink.

And do what?
Well, we...

Oh, we can go to a movie.

Tell you what, we'll check the
listings here and see what's playing.

Let's see.

Oh, here's a great double bill:

Born Free and Women in Chains.

A movie?
Out of the question.

I never go any place where
my feet stick to the floor.

All right.

Here are some
self-improvement courses.

Let's see, there's
a speed-reading course at the university

from 8:00 to 8:05.

Forget it.
Wait!

Here's an ESP course.

Strange, it doesn't give
the address.

Look, I don't want to go
to any crummy movies

or scuzzy meetings.

Well, let's see what...

Wait, wait,
here's a wonderful thing.

This is a restaurant.
Let's see.

"Harry's Girls and Grill.

Topless, bottomless, backless,
frontless."

Doesn't sound like they
give you very much to eat.

I don't want to meet anybody

and I don't want to go out.

Nothing you can say

will make me change my mind.

Wait, wait.

Here's a great place.

"Mother Bell's.
Opens at 8:00."

It's just a bar.

First drink's free.

Meet me here at 7:30.

( INDISTINCT CHATTER )

( PHONE BUZZES )

( PHONE BUZZES )

( PIANO PLAYING
"JUST THE WAY YOU ARE" )

Thank you.
I'll be right back.

I knew I shouldn't have
come out tonight

If it hadn't been for you,
I wouldn't have been in the car.

And if you hadn't seen
that chipmunk,

I never would have
swerved to avoid it.

It was exciting,
wasn't it? Exciting?

You call taking off
a parked car's door exciting?

It was for the sheriff
sitting in the car.

Did you see the look on
his face... "What the...?"

The silly fool was
still trying to roll up the window

and it was on its
way to Cheyenne.

What was he doing
in that car anyway?

He was escorting
that big black limousine

in front of him.

Oh, the one we crashed into.

Yeah, the same.

Well, it's not your fault.

Listen, you swerved
to avoid that squirrel.

You tell that to any judge in the
country, and he'll believe you.

( CHUCKLES ):
Oh, really?

What makes you think
the judge would take

my word over the governor's?

Ah, good point.

There's a yin and yang
to everything.

Here's the yin:
if that car hadn't been there,

we would have gone
over the cliff.

The yang was the governor's car
went over the cliff.

Boy, was he mad.

Well, not as mad as
if he'd been in the car.

Excuse me.
Are you boys new?

No, actually he's about 45, 46;

I'm kind of ageless.

She means is this
our first time here.

The answer is yes.

Well, it's Mother Bell's policy

to buy new customers
their first drink.

Paper parasols?

I didn't know
we were in Little Tokyo.

♪ There's no theatre
like an old theatre... ♪

I don't want any fruity drinks.

Bring me a bourbon and water,

and hold the water.

Well, bring me a Shirley Temple,

and hold the curls;
I don't want a hair ball.

Excuse me, miss, uh, tell me,

what are these telephones for?

They're all over the place.

To call people.

You can call anyone
in this room.

This is a very friendly place.

See? I told you.

Don't I pick good places, huh?

Didn't I do well, right?

You bubblehead!

This isn't just a bar;
it's a pickup joint.

( PHONE BUZZES ) A what?

Oh. Pick up the phone.

( HONKING BARK )

Hello.

Well, I don't think
I have one of those.

Maybe my friend does.

Well, if that was true,

I'd have to be eight feet tall.

Give me that.

Don't you realise
this is a swinging singles bar?

And that kicks it,
I'm going home.

No, wait!

Come on, Bick.
It's time to flick.

Let's go!
Listen, come on, Bickley,

you said you wanted to come here

because you were lonely
and bored,

and look at all these people.

They must've come here 'cause
they were lonely and bored.

Mork, you don't understand.

I've never felt comfortable
meeting people.

I never could do it.

I always felt as though
I was in over my head,

and right now, I feel
very uncomfortable,

and I'd like to go home.

Hi.

Would you boys mind
if we joined you?

You know, I never
did get my bourbon.

I'm Lisa, and this is Penny.

Hi.
Oh, a Penny for my thoughts.

Heads or tails.
( HONKING BARK )

Just watch those thoughts
because this is my daughter.

Mother and da-da-
daw-daw-daw-daw...

a little kid.

Yeah.

Well, the family
that plays together stays together.

Oh. It's not like
that at all.

Look, Mom just got into town,

and I wanted
to take her out, so we came here.

I had no idea this was a...
a swinger's bar.

No. And, you see,
what's happened is that there are

two fellas over there,
and they've been,

um, well, you know,

looking at us.

Oh, you mean those two guys that
look like the history of leather.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Well put.

Look, we figured... I mean,
if you fellas wouldn't mind...

that we'd pretend
that you were our dates

so they'd leave us alone.

Is that okay?

Well, sure, um, I guess so.

My name is Mork.
Nana-Nanu.

And this is Bickley.

Bickley, would you like
them to be our dates?

( STAMMERING ):
Absowubely. Ahb dowms...

Uh, uh, uh, bourbon!

Uh... well, uh,
do you fellas come here very often?

No, this is our first time.

We're just kind of bored
and lonely guys

looking for meaningful life
in this existence.

But now you've given
us some meaning, and...

Bickley, is this
what Earth's all about?

No. No. This is
our first time here.

PENNY:
Uh...

what's your sign?

Ah, Nefarious, with egg rising.

( LAUGHING )

And, uh, where do you live?

Oh, right here in Boulder.

Libra. I'm a Libra.

Libra. I can't believe
this is happening.

Neither can I.

If the fruity drink
lady comes by again,

would you like us
to get you something?

Oh, thanks,
but we've imposed enough.

BICKLEY:
Boulder.

I live in Boulder.

This is great!
Just great!

LISA:
Listen, um...

you know those two fellas...

um, they're staring at us again.

Whoa. Bang-bang.

Uh, those guys
give me the creeps.

Look, why don't we go
somewhere else,

and we'll buy you guys a drink.

Good idea.
Hey, that sounds fantastic.

Anything not to be
bored and lonely again.

Whoa, thank you.
Hey,

why don't we buy you two girls
a drink?

Waitress, could we have
those two freebie drinks back again?

You know, the fruit-
and-umbrella numbers?

Boy, you can't believe
what we fell into here.

This is the happiest day
of my life.

Uh...

Scratch that.

My greedy neighbour just ran off

with my mother and daughter.

( PHONE BUZZES )

Keep it.

Bick, Bick, what's keeping you?

Come on, you got to get going.

The girls are ready to go,

and you'll never
guess what happened.

They want to take us to a house.

You'll never guess whose house.

Not theirs?

Close. Yours!

Oh!

Let's go.

( TALKING AND LAUGHING )

Oh! Will you look at this.

Now, isn't this nice.

Yes, it's darling.

See? Isn't it nice
to have friends over?

It's wonderful!

See, Mr. Bickley's not used
to having people over.

Well, he's kind of a grouch,

but we're trying to
help him through it.

Yeah, last February
I almost grinned.

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.

( LAUGHING )

Whoa...

Well, now that we're here,

let's get down to a really
good game of Parcheesi.

Would you mind if
we powder our nose first?

Oh, gladly, but just
don't use gunpowder

or you'll visit
your head in Utah.

Thanks for the advice.

( HONKING BARK )

Where is it?

It's right through there,

just across from the bedroom.

Fine. Thank you.
Come on, honey.

Yeah, that... yeah, right...

Oh, Mork, this is
impossible to believe.

Never in my entire life

have I ever picked up
a girl before.

I was always afraid to try.

But, you know, it's not so hard
once you give it a try.

All it takes is a little
self-assertion.

( LAUGHS )

'Cause, if you got it,
you got it.

You got it, and we want it.

What was it?

What is it?

A stickup.

LISA:
All right, Oh...

come on, everybody up, up, up.

Hands up in the air.

I don't want to have
to scatter you all around the room.

Can't you point that thing
the other way?

No. It wouldn't
have the same impact.

Now, come on,

empty your pockets on the table.

Come on. Come on.
Hurry up.

Thanks a lot,
Mr. Matchmaker!

Well, at least
we're not bored anymore.

Miss, I hope you don't think
I'm rude, but I think

your mother's teaching you
some bad habits.

Yeah, well, just think
of it as charity.

I'd hardly ever donate
my watch to charity.

( CAR HORN HONKS )

Okay, come on, that's
Mark with the car.

Let's go. Let's go.

Okay.

Well, that should
slow you down for a little while.

Uh, thank you.

It's been nice robbing you.

Yeah, thanks for the date.

It's been fun.

( BOTH LAUGHING )

Shouldn't we have
kissed them good night?

Mork:
They were so cute.

MAN:
Well...

Thanks a lot, Officer.
I know you'll find them.

Ciao.

Oh, come on, Bick.
We'll get our stuff back.

Those girls robbed
three other guys in the same bar,

and the police are
gonna have a cookout.

Stakeout.
Oh.

I don't mind talking

to a policeman for an hour
this time of night,

but I resent his shaking his head
and giggling the whole time.

Come on, it's a new wave...
silly cops.

Haven't you watched CHiPs?

Hi.

How's Uncle Jack?

Oh, I think he'll be all right.

He just had a cork
stuck in his throat.

How was your weekend?

Why do you ask?

Well, to be perfectly
honest with you,

I thought that since I was gone

you'd run out of things
to do and be bored.

Oh, me?

Good-time Morky bored?

We had a fantastic time.

Bicky, tell her if you've
got any strength left

after our wild
and wonderful weekend.

He didn't let up all weekend.

Oh, we had a wonderful time.

In fact, our company just left.

What company?

BICKLEY:
Um, uh,

Mork and I met
a couple of girls.

Yeah, we went
to a gymnastics bar.

It was incredible.

And we met these
wonderful friends.

We'll take you there,
and you can make friends, too.

How friendly were these friends?

Do we look like the kind of guys

who would kiss and tell?

MINDY,

you should've seen the mother.

So beautiful.
MINDY: Mother?!

I don't think I want
to hear about this.

Then I can tell you
about the daughter.

You wanna hear about that,
huh, maybe?

I know I don't want
to hear this.

I'm a little tired.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

I'll talk to you
about this tomorrow.

Good night, Mr. Bickley.

Good night, Mr. Goodbar.

But wait! MINDY!

You'll never guess
who we ran into... the governor.

Whew! Wow.

You know something, Bicky?

When we were going
through it tonight, it was...

it was kind of terrifying,
but telling MINDY right now,

it sounded really good to me.

Yeah, I agree.

Maybe from a distance,
we can appreciate

what we've experienced better

rather than when
we were actually

going through the trauma
of having...

No, that's bull.

Yeah,

I guess people forget
the fun things

and only remember
the exciting things.

We weren't bored,

so we must've accomplished
what we wanted to do.

Yeah.

Wish they hadn't robbed us,
though.

We sure have a heck of a story
to tell our grandkids.

Well, good night, Mork.

Good night, Bick.

Mork, I was thinking...
Saturday night?

7:30.
Be there or be square!

There are millions of stories
on this planet.

This has just been one of them.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, the Incredible Bulk.

Mork calling Orson.

ORSON:
Did you have an interesting week, Mork?

Oh, yes, sir, I met
some people called "thieves."

Thieves? What
are thieves?

Well, thieves are people
who steal things.

First of all,
there are jewel thieves,

who steal precious gems
and stones,

there are cat burglars,
who steal pets,

and then
the Pittsburgh Steelers,

who steal entire cities.

Don't tell me Boulder,
Colorado, got taken.

Oh, no, sir,
just me and Mr. Bickley.

We were robbed
by some lady friends

that Bickley said we never
should've trusted to begin with.

I thought earthlings
believed in trust.

Even that dollar
bill you sent me

had "In God We Trust"
written on it.

Orson, you can't believe
everything you read.

It also said that
it's worth a dollar.

Let me understand.

You were robbed by two friends?

Yes, sir.

Ooh, they were pretty and soft.

Well... soft on the outside,
and kind of hard on the inside.

You mean, on Earth, your
friends will rob you?

Well, if they do, they're
not really friends, then.

Well, Mindy's your friend.

How do you know
that someday she won't rob you?

Well, sir, I don't think
she's that kind of friend,

and even if she were,

she'd have to rob me
thousands of times

just to get back half
of what she's given me.

So until next week.

Give me an "N"!
"N."

Give me an "A"!
"A."

Give me another "N"!
"N."

Give me a big "O"!
"O."

What's that spell?

Nanu.
Wrong. Nano.

See you next week, Orsoon.

Nanu! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

What a chump!