Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 18 - Yes Sir, That's My Baby - full transcript
When a kidnapper solicits Mork to buy a baby, the police ask Mindy to help catch the criminal.
Nanu-nanu.
Shazbot!
Mork, what's that?
It's a scrapbook,
so I can take back
memories from the planet Earth.
Oh, that's really nice.
A scrapbook of Earth.
Uh, what are you
putting in there?
Flags of different countries,
pictures of our world leaders?
Hey, save it for the
Republicans, Mr. Eisenhower.
I'm going to put some
real fun stuff in here.
Something for the real
people, some big yuks.
Look at this.
An example of some
of your Earth poetry.
Huh, let's see.
"There once was a girl
from Dundee, who..."
Where did you get this?
From the poetry cubicles
down at the basketball arena.
You must really love poetry,
because they're all
lined up to pay a dime
to sit down and write poetry.
I think I'll go
read some poetry.
Look at this here.
Mm-hmm. Now what
is this? What is this?
It's a souvenir from
a wrestling match.
A wrestling match?
When did you ever go
to a wrestling match?
Well, they have
them every weekend
down by the lake
in those parked cars.
Every time I walked by,
one of these came out.
Hi Mindy. Hi, Mork.
Hi, Sally.
Oh, Little Jody. Wow,
he's really gotten big!
Yeah, he's my
little man, all right.
You don't look like you're made
out of snakes and snails
and puppy dog tails.
Is this the person who
used to live in your stomach?
The former bulge?
Yeah.
Oh, he's so tiny.
How did he ever
get out of there?
Well, I think the doctor
helped him out, Mork.
I know. He slipped him a
map and a compass and said,
"You're on your own,
clone. Good luck."
Here, why don't
you hold him a while.
No, no, I, I don't speak small.
Whoa!
Be careful.
So, what can I help you with?
He's so cute.
What do you two talk
about when you're alone?
Well, nothing yet.
Jody can't talk.
Oh, a little mute.
It's okay.
My name is Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
Don't worry, Mork.
In a couple of months,
he'll be chattering like crazy.
Yeah, I'll have the fun of
teaching him new words.
Oh, no, you shouldn't
teach him new words.
You should use the old
words like everyone else uses,
or else they'll
think he's an idiot.
I know about that, boy.
Yeah, that's good advice, Mork.
Yeah, and I'll teach him
to eat by himself, and walk.
He's got a lot to learn.
Ah, look, I taught
him how to hug.
I'll just take these two.
Okay. Good.
Oh, he's really incredible.
Mindy, can we get one?
Can we order one today?
How about it? Hmm?
Can we get one, hmm?
He's fantastic. Maybe
we can send away for one.
Well, maybe you and Mindy ought
to get together
sometime, and talk.
No matchmaking, Sally.
Who, me?
Hey, don't suck on that.
You don't know where it's been.
That's fantastic. He
doesn't have any teeth!
Who's the father, Leon Spinks?
Come on, Jody.
You've got to be real careful.
He's real tiny, and
he's fragile, you know?
You might hurt him some way.
Uh, Mork...
Oh. You probably
know that, don't you?
Yeah. Don't worry.
I'll treat him just as if
he were my own son.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks... Take care.
We'll have to get together soon.
Yeah, good. Thanks
a lot. Bye-bye.
Take care, little fella.
There's no place to grow but up!
Wasn't he cute?
Yeah. For a guy who
doesn't move very much,
he sure sweats a lot.
You know, I think
he likes me a lot.
You know how I can tell?
How? 'Cause when
I was hugging him,
he made a little
noise like this... Eh!
What does that mean?
Oh, Mork, that
was just a little...
You're right.
That was his way of
telling you that he likes you.
Oh, I knew it. Kids
are such a gas.
I wish I had one of my own.
Can men have babies, too?
Well, they can help.
It's sort of like a union.
Oh, you mean,
like the Teamsters.
Mm, well it's not
exactly like the...
Oh, sure, I hear about
women in labor all the time.
No, it's not done like that.
How do you do it?
Uh, why don't you ask my father?
He's real good
at things like this.
I have to go back here
and work on something.
You're going to have to confront
the situation someday.
Dad, how do they do it?
Uh, how do who do what?
How do they, how
do they make babies?
Like, I know where
they come from.
I'm no pinhead, but...
how do they get them in?
Do they blow them
up? Do they add water?
What happens? What do they do?
Uh, well Mork, how a baby
is born isn't as important
as the miracle of creation.
You don't know either, do you?
Well, it's been a long
time since Mindy was born.
Oh. She must have
been a lot of fun to hold.
She sure is now.
She was wonderful.
I can't tell you what it's like
to have a little, helpless baby
completely dependent upon you.
I've never had anything
dependent upon me.
Well, don't worry, someday
you'll have a child...
or something of your own.
Thank you. I can't wait.
Boy, I'm headed back now.
Mindy, I'll catch you
back at the apartment.
♪ Yes, sir, she's
my baby, no, sir... ♪
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, Western Union!
Howdy.
Doody.
Could I, could I see ya
for a couple of seconds?
A thousand one,
one thousand two.
Now, you know don't make
yourself a stranger anymore,
Come on back anytime, You
all come back now, you hear?
Wow, deja vu!
Now you can close the door.
Yes, sir,
glad to see you in here.
Friend, uh, you don't know me...
Oh, yes I do. I saw
you in the music store,
then you followed me
to the grocery store.
Glad to see you here once again.
Right. Now, when I
was in that music store,
I couldn't help but notice that
you were really enjoying
holding that small baby.
Oh, yeah.
I never held one before,
and I really liked it.
And didn't I hear you say
you'd like one of your own?
Yeah, but it's physically
impossible, you know?
I don't have a test tube.
But I'd give
anything to have one.
Would you give $10,000?
Hey! What?
You see,
I know this couple with a baby,
and they're trying to find
a real nice home for it,
you understand?
If I don't give you the money,
they're going to turn
it out, into the woods,
and it'll be raised by rabbits?
Whatever you say, buddy.
Oh, I can't let that happen.
He might never
take care of himself,
and he might
get a little fur ball
caught in his throat.
Or worse...
unless you take care of it.
Of course, that's,
uh, that's up to you.
All right.
I'll do anything you want.
I'll get the money for you.
You got yourself a deal.
Fantastic.
I'll, uh, I'll call you in
the morning, all right?
Oh, and, uh, one thing,
don't breathe a word
of this to anyone.
Anyone.
Whew. Okay.
But I have to borrow
money from somebody.
What do I tell them?
That's your problem, kid.
My, uh, my friends
don't like publicity.
Remember, one word, no deal.
No pressure.
Well, I guess I better
do this to save the kid.
And, besides, I'm
going to be a father.
I'll be able to teach
him to walk, to talk,
maybe to fly an egg.
Yeah, I'll, I'll be in touch.
Take care.
Yeah.
Oh, greasy.
I'm going to have a baby!
Kay-o, Jose!
Oh, I feel kind of
strange, kind of dizzy.
I feel a sudden craving
for pickles and ice cream.
Mindy! Sweetheart, darling.
Long time no see, honeybunch.
Dynamic to see
you again, darling.
Can I, can I ask you
just a small favor?
What?
Can I have $10,000?
No.
Why not? I really need it.
I got to have it, please,
please, please, please?
Now, what could you possibly
need that costs $10,000?
Um, socks.
Socks.
Gucci socks.
$10,000 worth of Gucci socks?
Well, that's four
pair and a garter.
Listen Mork, I'd really
like to help you out,
but I don't have
that kind of money.
What kind do you have?
I have the kind that jingles.
You know, the kind you
use in gum machines.
Oh, humor.
What do you need
$10,000 for, anyway?
Oh, it's for a big surprise.
It's real expensive,
but I know you'll love it.
Uh, you're not going to help me?
Okay. All right.
What can I do to get $10,000?
I can always go to Jesus.
That'll cost me an
arm and a broken leg.
I know, you can
try selling apples.
That's right! Apples!
Let's see, at a nickel apiece
that's 20,000 apples,
No. We can sell one big apple
on steroids for $10,000.
No, wait, I can baby-sit
for mainland China.
No. I could teach
etiquette to Billy Carter!
No!
I could sell dental
floss to the Osmonds!
Listen, you think of something.
I'm going to go in the bedroom
right now and change my clothes,
but I will be back to
discuss this with you later.
I'll be your valet for $2,000.
Well, in case I
do get the money,
I better practice
being a father.
Eh, here's my little
surrogate baby.
Here we go. Yay.
♪ Finkundoo hatchling,
finkundoo fee ♪
♪ Finkundoo
hatchling, finkundoo... ♪
Oh, fantastic, I love you so.
Why didn't you tell
me you had to do that?
Excuse me, ladies.
Hi.
May I show you
some disco records?
No, thanks.
I'm with the F.B.I.
Oh. Well, maybe I can show
you some Police records.
Can I help you?
Yes, I'd like you to
look at this photograph
and tell me if you've
ever seen this man before.
Hey, hey, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
This guy was hanging
around here yesterday.
Who is he?
He's a creep who
kidnaps and sells babies.
We were tailing him yesterday
when he followed a woman
with a baby into this store.
Oh, my God, that was Sally!
Is he after her baby?
He could be, but don't
worry. We're watching him.
Oh, thank goodness.
The odd thing is,
when he left here,
he didn't follow her.
He followed some strange-looking
man with suspenders
to your house, Miss McConnell.
To my house?
What would he be
doing at my house?
That's what we want to ask you.
Uh, does a strange man
with suspenders give you a clue?
Oh, Dad, Mork wouldn't
do anything wrong.
Wait a minute.
How much does this
guy sell babies for?
$10,000.
Well, what I meant was,
Mork wouldn't do anything
wrong intentionally.
Ma'am, if you think your friend
is trying to buy a baby, relax.
He's not in trouble.
We want the kidnapper.
You wouldn't arrest him?
Absolutely not.
Well, then I think my
friend Mork might be trying
to buy a baby.
Yesterday, when I
came home from work
he asked me if he
could borrow $10,000.
Did you give it to him?
No, I don't have
that kind of money!
Well, you do now.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Miss McConnell,
we must have your help.
Well, I guess if the
guy is such a creep,
I guess Mork would
want to help, too.
No, no.
You can't tell him.
This guy is sharp,
and if he thinks
he's being set up,
we'll lose him again.
He's right, dear.
Mork is no actor.
Now, I want you to call me
the minute you
know when and where
the transfer is being
made. Good day.
This is the famous
Orkan atom smasher!
Let me show you how this works.
First, get one government atom
There's one...
put it under there...
Flatto!
I'll clean up that mess later,
but actually if
we'd split the atom
we'd all be dead meat by
now, but let's move on quickly.
It can also crush nuts.
See the nut?
I see the nut.
Thank you.
Mork, I've got the
money you need.
$10,000.
Oh, Mindy, that's fantastic.
Oh no, you didn't...
Oh, poor child...
I didn't.
I got a raise.
You got a raise?
That's wonderful.
Well... what's this?
Um...
I dried the clothes
in the microwave.
No, actually... actually,
it's better than that.
You see, I made this
for my favorite TV star...
Boss, my shirt has landed.
Give it to me, Tattoo,
I want to wear it...
That's my fantasy.
Um...
Look at that...
look at that ring,
isn't it amazing?
Look at the size
of that sucker, boy.
I bet Elizabeth Taylor doesn't
even have one of these.
No, she doesn't.
It's uh...
a seeing eye rattle
for a blind snake.
Saved by the bell.
Telephone.
Yello?
Oh, howdy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure, I've got the money.
See?
Yeah, tomorrow at noon?
At the bus station.
Uh, yea... uh...
Mindy, this is a private call.
Do you mind if I
take it in there?
No, go right ahead.
Thank you.
He hung up.
Roadways next bus to Denver
will be leaving Boulder at 3:00.
Uh... is this seat taken?
Thank you.
Attention... the 3:30
bus to Los Angeles
will now be departing
at 4:45.
Nice day, huh?
Oh, on a liquid diet.
No, I'm... I'm expecting a baby.
Not literally.
Boy, that'd be
funny, wouldn't it?
Whoa.
Yeah, should be coming
through anytime now, you know.
A little guy, so helpless,
so tiny.
That's why I'm here
to take care of him.
I'm the father figure.
Yeah, he's only six months old
and I haven't seen
him in two years.
Called me up the other day
on the phone.
Kind of a strange conversation.
All he knows is...
How he got his little fingers
in the dial, I'll never know.
So I says to him...
Boy, you're about
as much fun as...
I guess the firstborn
means a lot to a father.
That's what I'm going to be.
Whew.
Here's my man now.
I'm over here! I'm over here!
Don't you know what's
happening here? Oh, yeah.
I'm going to give you $10,000
and you're going
to give me a baby.
Would you shut up?
You'll wake up the baby.
Now, where's the money?
Here it is.
Okay.
Easy.
I want to make sure
it's all here.
Okay, here's your kid.
Oh.
Hold it, scuz!
I want to make
sure he's all here.
Oh, he's all there,
but I'm not so sure about you.
Well, thank you.
It's been a pleasure
dealing with a Stetson stork.
Passengers are now
disembarking from Aspen and Vale.
You're under arrest.
Up against the wall.
Attention... Mr. Dan Benton,
please report to the desk.
Hands behind your back.
I'm telling you, you
got the wrong guy.
Sure we do.
You are Chuck Wilson,
alias Chuck Martin,
alias Charles Henthorne.
See? You don't know who you got.
We got you this time.
This money is marked.
Take him out to the car
and read him his rights.
Well...
let's get the baby and
take him back to his parents.
Okay.
He's gone!
He must have
slipped out the back.
Well don't worry.
I'm sure he's going back
to Miss McConnell's house.
I better get her on
the phone at the store.
And the beautiful princess said,
"If I kiss you, will you
buy me a Halston dress
and take me to Long Island
and build me a condominium?"
And the jive toad said, "Sho,
mama, anything you want."
And so, the princess
kissed the ugly toad,
and lo and behold, she croaked.
She keeled right over.
Splat.
And her little tiny crown
rolled down the hill,
because the toad was
wearing poisoned lip gloss.
Here's the moral of the story...
Never kiss a toad in drag.
There we go...
It's time for us to
get rocking, here.
Here we go.
Oh... let's get down, get funky.
There we go.
There we go...
♪ Finkundoo hatchling
dee bo klaykoo ♪
♪ Bon de dan derso
you're waiting too... ♪
Boy, I'm so proud
to be a father.
I can't wait for you to
meet your God-moose, too.
I'm a father, here
Chuck, here's a cigar.
Thank you, Carl.
Mindy, Mindy,
look, I'm a father.
You'll never believe
what happened.
All of a sudden, this little guy
followed me all the way home,
and all of a sudden I heard
a little tiny knock at the door...
and he crawled
right in, you know.
That's fantastic! Mork...
Okay. Here's what
really happened.
I was walking down the street,
and I saw these bullrushes,
and there was a burning
bush... you know?
And all of a sudden
this big voice said,
"Take him home,
it'll be all right."
Mork...
I know, oh dopey me.
I should never get my
alibis out of a best-seller.
Um... here's the truth, this
is what really happened...
You see, his parents
abandoned him and they'd
leave him in the woods
and he'd be raised by rabbits
and who knows what would happen
when hunting season
would come along?
He might end up
on a little chain
as a good luck charm,
you know what I mean?
Mork... Mindy, please!
See, he's fantastic,
and I'll be a great father.
I'll love him,
I'll care for him,
I'll feed him, I'll do
everything he needs,
and besides... I
named him after you.
Oh, Mork, you're not
making this easy at all.
I don't want to
make it easy for you.
He's fantastic. You
can't send him...
Mork, you can't keep him.
Why not? I paid
good money for him.
Well that's just it,
it's against the
law to buy a baby.
No it isn't, the guy
who sold him to me
says he sells them all the time.
That's right, and he's
going to jail because of that.
Are they here to take him back?
I'm afraid they are.
But don't you understand?
His parents were
mean, nasty people.
That guy lied to you, Mork.
This baby was stolen.
His parents love him very much,
and they want him
back desperately.
All right, you get the baby,
and I'll contact the office.
No, no, no.
I'll give him back to you.
Shh, shh.
Wait.
You've got to keep him real dry,
because he's kind of like
a dribble glass with arms.
And, oh, you've got to
keep him real warm, too.
Got to keep him
wrapped up real tight.
And... if he ever
makes a noise like this...
that means he likes you.
Take care, little fella.
Good-bye, little Mindy.
Top of the world, Ma.
Miss McConnell, Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
I'm going to miss him.
Oh, Mork, I'm so sorry things
worked out like this.
Yeah, me, too.
I feel so bad.
You understand I had to do that,
I had to give him
to those people.
I know.
I didn't know his parents
loved him so much
and wanted him back.
I can't blame them.
I don't know what to say.
I just feel so sorry for you.
Oh, you don't have
to feel sorry for me.
Now I know what
it's like to be a father.
It's really wonderful.
Even being a father for an hour
is better than being
never a father at all.
You're really amazing.
And besides, I would
have made a lousy father.
I couldn't even
get the kid to eat.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, laser breath.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson...
I read you, Mork.
What have you got
for me this week?
Oh, something very
special, Your Immenseness.
This week, I was
a father for an hour.
That's wonderful.
What's a father?
Oh, you remember a mother?
Well a father is the
male counterpart.
If you have a mother,
why do you need a father?
Sounds like
featherbedding to me.
Oh, no. A father's
very important.
He gives the child love.
You told me that's
what the mother did.
Oh, but a child
needs lots of love
so he can grow big
and strong in here.
That's a father's
whole function?
No.
Just loving?
Oh, no, Your Fattitude.
You see, a father serves
another purpose, too.
He provides food,
shelter, leadership,
and according to recent facts,
he works very
hard, worries a lot,
and dies young so his
family can go on living.
Who would apply
for a job like that?
You know, between the
mother and the father,
children receive so
much of everything,
they must be grateful.
Oh, no, sir, you see,
they take it for granted,
until it's gone.
Then they miss it.
Well, I don't understand
why anybody would
want to be a parent.
Orson, it's one
of those situations
where you have to be there.
Because once you hold this,
this little, tiny baby in your arms,
this eensy, teensy tiny being...
it makes it all worthwhile.
Personally, I'll stick
with the test tubes.
Oh, que sera sera.
Until next week,
Your Immenseness...
Nanu-nanu.
Andiamo.
Shazbot!
Mork, what's that?
It's a scrapbook,
so I can take back
memories from the planet Earth.
Oh, that's really nice.
A scrapbook of Earth.
Uh, what are you
putting in there?
Flags of different countries,
pictures of our world leaders?
Hey, save it for the
Republicans, Mr. Eisenhower.
I'm going to put some
real fun stuff in here.
Something for the real
people, some big yuks.
Look at this.
An example of some
of your Earth poetry.
Huh, let's see.
"There once was a girl
from Dundee, who..."
Where did you get this?
From the poetry cubicles
down at the basketball arena.
You must really love poetry,
because they're all
lined up to pay a dime
to sit down and write poetry.
I think I'll go
read some poetry.
Look at this here.
Mm-hmm. Now what
is this? What is this?
It's a souvenir from
a wrestling match.
A wrestling match?
When did you ever go
to a wrestling match?
Well, they have
them every weekend
down by the lake
in those parked cars.
Every time I walked by,
one of these came out.
Hi Mindy. Hi, Mork.
Hi, Sally.
Oh, Little Jody. Wow,
he's really gotten big!
Yeah, he's my
little man, all right.
You don't look like you're made
out of snakes and snails
and puppy dog tails.
Is this the person who
used to live in your stomach?
The former bulge?
Yeah.
Oh, he's so tiny.
How did he ever
get out of there?
Well, I think the doctor
helped him out, Mork.
I know. He slipped him a
map and a compass and said,
"You're on your own,
clone. Good luck."
Here, why don't
you hold him a while.
No, no, I, I don't speak small.
Whoa!
Be careful.
So, what can I help you with?
He's so cute.
What do you two talk
about when you're alone?
Well, nothing yet.
Jody can't talk.
Oh, a little mute.
It's okay.
My name is Mork.
Nanu-nanu.
Don't worry, Mork.
In a couple of months,
he'll be chattering like crazy.
Yeah, I'll have the fun of
teaching him new words.
Oh, no, you shouldn't
teach him new words.
You should use the old
words like everyone else uses,
or else they'll
think he's an idiot.
I know about that, boy.
Yeah, that's good advice, Mork.
Yeah, and I'll teach him
to eat by himself, and walk.
He's got a lot to learn.
Ah, look, I taught
him how to hug.
I'll just take these two.
Okay. Good.
Oh, he's really incredible.
Mindy, can we get one?
Can we order one today?
How about it? Hmm?
Can we get one, hmm?
He's fantastic. Maybe
we can send away for one.
Well, maybe you and Mindy ought
to get together
sometime, and talk.
No matchmaking, Sally.
Who, me?
Hey, don't suck on that.
You don't know where it's been.
That's fantastic. He
doesn't have any teeth!
Who's the father, Leon Spinks?
Come on, Jody.
You've got to be real careful.
He's real tiny, and
he's fragile, you know?
You might hurt him some way.
Uh, Mork...
Oh. You probably
know that, don't you?
Yeah. Don't worry.
I'll treat him just as if
he were my own son.
Here you go.
Oh, thanks... Take care.
We'll have to get together soon.
Yeah, good. Thanks
a lot. Bye-bye.
Take care, little fella.
There's no place to grow but up!
Wasn't he cute?
Yeah. For a guy who
doesn't move very much,
he sure sweats a lot.
You know, I think
he likes me a lot.
You know how I can tell?
How? 'Cause when
I was hugging him,
he made a little
noise like this... Eh!
What does that mean?
Oh, Mork, that
was just a little...
You're right.
That was his way of
telling you that he likes you.
Oh, I knew it. Kids
are such a gas.
I wish I had one of my own.
Can men have babies, too?
Well, they can help.
It's sort of like a union.
Oh, you mean,
like the Teamsters.
Mm, well it's not
exactly like the...
Oh, sure, I hear about
women in labor all the time.
No, it's not done like that.
How do you do it?
Uh, why don't you ask my father?
He's real good
at things like this.
I have to go back here
and work on something.
You're going to have to confront
the situation someday.
Dad, how do they do it?
Uh, how do who do what?
How do they, how
do they make babies?
Like, I know where
they come from.
I'm no pinhead, but...
how do they get them in?
Do they blow them
up? Do they add water?
What happens? What do they do?
Uh, well Mork, how a baby
is born isn't as important
as the miracle of creation.
You don't know either, do you?
Well, it's been a long
time since Mindy was born.
Oh. She must have
been a lot of fun to hold.
She sure is now.
She was wonderful.
I can't tell you what it's like
to have a little, helpless baby
completely dependent upon you.
I've never had anything
dependent upon me.
Well, don't worry, someday
you'll have a child...
or something of your own.
Thank you. I can't wait.
Boy, I'm headed back now.
Mindy, I'll catch you
back at the apartment.
♪ Yes, sir, she's
my baby, no, sir... ♪
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, Western Union!
Howdy.
Doody.
Could I, could I see ya
for a couple of seconds?
A thousand one,
one thousand two.
Now, you know don't make
yourself a stranger anymore,
Come on back anytime, You
all come back now, you hear?
Wow, deja vu!
Now you can close the door.
Yes, sir,
glad to see you in here.
Friend, uh, you don't know me...
Oh, yes I do. I saw
you in the music store,
then you followed me
to the grocery store.
Glad to see you here once again.
Right. Now, when I
was in that music store,
I couldn't help but notice that
you were really enjoying
holding that small baby.
Oh, yeah.
I never held one before,
and I really liked it.
And didn't I hear you say
you'd like one of your own?
Yeah, but it's physically
impossible, you know?
I don't have a test tube.
But I'd give
anything to have one.
Would you give $10,000?
Hey! What?
You see,
I know this couple with a baby,
and they're trying to find
a real nice home for it,
you understand?
If I don't give you the money,
they're going to turn
it out, into the woods,
and it'll be raised by rabbits?
Whatever you say, buddy.
Oh, I can't let that happen.
He might never
take care of himself,
and he might
get a little fur ball
caught in his throat.
Or worse...
unless you take care of it.
Of course, that's,
uh, that's up to you.
All right.
I'll do anything you want.
I'll get the money for you.
You got yourself a deal.
Fantastic.
I'll, uh, I'll call you in
the morning, all right?
Oh, and, uh, one thing,
don't breathe a word
of this to anyone.
Anyone.
Whew. Okay.
But I have to borrow
money from somebody.
What do I tell them?
That's your problem, kid.
My, uh, my friends
don't like publicity.
Remember, one word, no deal.
No pressure.
Well, I guess I better
do this to save the kid.
And, besides, I'm
going to be a father.
I'll be able to teach
him to walk, to talk,
maybe to fly an egg.
Yeah, I'll, I'll be in touch.
Take care.
Yeah.
Oh, greasy.
I'm going to have a baby!
Kay-o, Jose!
Oh, I feel kind of
strange, kind of dizzy.
I feel a sudden craving
for pickles and ice cream.
Mindy! Sweetheart, darling.
Long time no see, honeybunch.
Dynamic to see
you again, darling.
Can I, can I ask you
just a small favor?
What?
Can I have $10,000?
No.
Why not? I really need it.
I got to have it, please,
please, please, please?
Now, what could you possibly
need that costs $10,000?
Um, socks.
Socks.
Gucci socks.
$10,000 worth of Gucci socks?
Well, that's four
pair and a garter.
Listen Mork, I'd really
like to help you out,
but I don't have
that kind of money.
What kind do you have?
I have the kind that jingles.
You know, the kind you
use in gum machines.
Oh, humor.
What do you need
$10,000 for, anyway?
Oh, it's for a big surprise.
It's real expensive,
but I know you'll love it.
Uh, you're not going to help me?
Okay. All right.
What can I do to get $10,000?
I can always go to Jesus.
That'll cost me an
arm and a broken leg.
I know, you can
try selling apples.
That's right! Apples!
Let's see, at a nickel apiece
that's 20,000 apples,
No. We can sell one big apple
on steroids for $10,000.
No, wait, I can baby-sit
for mainland China.
No. I could teach
etiquette to Billy Carter!
No!
I could sell dental
floss to the Osmonds!
Listen, you think of something.
I'm going to go in the bedroom
right now and change my clothes,
but I will be back to
discuss this with you later.
I'll be your valet for $2,000.
Well, in case I
do get the money,
I better practice
being a father.
Eh, here's my little
surrogate baby.
Here we go. Yay.
♪ Finkundoo hatchling,
finkundoo fee ♪
♪ Finkundoo
hatchling, finkundoo... ♪
Oh, fantastic, I love you so.
Why didn't you tell
me you had to do that?
Excuse me, ladies.
Hi.
May I show you
some disco records?
No, thanks.
I'm with the F.B.I.
Oh. Well, maybe I can show
you some Police records.
Can I help you?
Yes, I'd like you to
look at this photograph
and tell me if you've
ever seen this man before.
Hey, hey, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
This guy was hanging
around here yesterday.
Who is he?
He's a creep who
kidnaps and sells babies.
We were tailing him yesterday
when he followed a woman
with a baby into this store.
Oh, my God, that was Sally!
Is he after her baby?
He could be, but don't
worry. We're watching him.
Oh, thank goodness.
The odd thing is,
when he left here,
he didn't follow her.
He followed some strange-looking
man with suspenders
to your house, Miss McConnell.
To my house?
What would he be
doing at my house?
That's what we want to ask you.
Uh, does a strange man
with suspenders give you a clue?
Oh, Dad, Mork wouldn't
do anything wrong.
Wait a minute.
How much does this
guy sell babies for?
$10,000.
Well, what I meant was,
Mork wouldn't do anything
wrong intentionally.
Ma'am, if you think your friend
is trying to buy a baby, relax.
He's not in trouble.
We want the kidnapper.
You wouldn't arrest him?
Absolutely not.
Well, then I think my
friend Mork might be trying
to buy a baby.
Yesterday, when I
came home from work
he asked me if he
could borrow $10,000.
Did you give it to him?
No, I don't have
that kind of money!
Well, you do now.
Oh, I don't know about this.
Miss McConnell,
we must have your help.
Well, I guess if the
guy is such a creep,
I guess Mork would
want to help, too.
No, no.
You can't tell him.
This guy is sharp,
and if he thinks
he's being set up,
we'll lose him again.
He's right, dear.
Mork is no actor.
Now, I want you to call me
the minute you
know when and where
the transfer is being
made. Good day.
This is the famous
Orkan atom smasher!
Let me show you how this works.
First, get one government atom
There's one...
put it under there...
Flatto!
I'll clean up that mess later,
but actually if
we'd split the atom
we'd all be dead meat by
now, but let's move on quickly.
It can also crush nuts.
See the nut?
I see the nut.
Thank you.
Mork, I've got the
money you need.
$10,000.
Oh, Mindy, that's fantastic.
Oh no, you didn't...
Oh, poor child...
I didn't.
I got a raise.
You got a raise?
That's wonderful.
Well... what's this?
Um...
I dried the clothes
in the microwave.
No, actually... actually,
it's better than that.
You see, I made this
for my favorite TV star...
Boss, my shirt has landed.
Give it to me, Tattoo,
I want to wear it...
That's my fantasy.
Um...
Look at that...
look at that ring,
isn't it amazing?
Look at the size
of that sucker, boy.
I bet Elizabeth Taylor doesn't
even have one of these.
No, she doesn't.
It's uh...
a seeing eye rattle
for a blind snake.
Saved by the bell.
Telephone.
Yello?
Oh, howdy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sure, I've got the money.
See?
Yeah, tomorrow at noon?
At the bus station.
Uh, yea... uh...
Mindy, this is a private call.
Do you mind if I
take it in there?
No, go right ahead.
Thank you.
He hung up.
Roadways next bus to Denver
will be leaving Boulder at 3:00.
Uh... is this seat taken?
Thank you.
Attention... the 3:30
bus to Los Angeles
will now be departing
at 4:45.
Nice day, huh?
Oh, on a liquid diet.
No, I'm... I'm expecting a baby.
Not literally.
Boy, that'd be
funny, wouldn't it?
Whoa.
Yeah, should be coming
through anytime now, you know.
A little guy, so helpless,
so tiny.
That's why I'm here
to take care of him.
I'm the father figure.
Yeah, he's only six months old
and I haven't seen
him in two years.
Called me up the other day
on the phone.
Kind of a strange conversation.
All he knows is...
How he got his little fingers
in the dial, I'll never know.
So I says to him...
Boy, you're about
as much fun as...
I guess the firstborn
means a lot to a father.
That's what I'm going to be.
Whew.
Here's my man now.
I'm over here! I'm over here!
Don't you know what's
happening here? Oh, yeah.
I'm going to give you $10,000
and you're going
to give me a baby.
Would you shut up?
You'll wake up the baby.
Now, where's the money?
Here it is.
Okay.
Easy.
I want to make sure
it's all here.
Okay, here's your kid.
Oh.
Hold it, scuz!
I want to make
sure he's all here.
Oh, he's all there,
but I'm not so sure about you.
Well, thank you.
It's been a pleasure
dealing with a Stetson stork.
Passengers are now
disembarking from Aspen and Vale.
You're under arrest.
Up against the wall.
Attention... Mr. Dan Benton,
please report to the desk.
Hands behind your back.
I'm telling you, you
got the wrong guy.
Sure we do.
You are Chuck Wilson,
alias Chuck Martin,
alias Charles Henthorne.
See? You don't know who you got.
We got you this time.
This money is marked.
Take him out to the car
and read him his rights.
Well...
let's get the baby and
take him back to his parents.
Okay.
He's gone!
He must have
slipped out the back.
Well don't worry.
I'm sure he's going back
to Miss McConnell's house.
I better get her on
the phone at the store.
And the beautiful princess said,
"If I kiss you, will you
buy me a Halston dress
and take me to Long Island
and build me a condominium?"
And the jive toad said, "Sho,
mama, anything you want."
And so, the princess
kissed the ugly toad,
and lo and behold, she croaked.
She keeled right over.
Splat.
And her little tiny crown
rolled down the hill,
because the toad was
wearing poisoned lip gloss.
Here's the moral of the story...
Never kiss a toad in drag.
There we go...
It's time for us to
get rocking, here.
Here we go.
Oh... let's get down, get funky.
There we go.
There we go...
♪ Finkundoo hatchling
dee bo klaykoo ♪
♪ Bon de dan derso
you're waiting too... ♪
Boy, I'm so proud
to be a father.
I can't wait for you to
meet your God-moose, too.
I'm a father, here
Chuck, here's a cigar.
Thank you, Carl.
Mindy, Mindy,
look, I'm a father.
You'll never believe
what happened.
All of a sudden, this little guy
followed me all the way home,
and all of a sudden I heard
a little tiny knock at the door...
and he crawled
right in, you know.
That's fantastic! Mork...
Okay. Here's what
really happened.
I was walking down the street,
and I saw these bullrushes,
and there was a burning
bush... you know?
And all of a sudden
this big voice said,
"Take him home,
it'll be all right."
Mork...
I know, oh dopey me.
I should never get my
alibis out of a best-seller.
Um... here's the truth, this
is what really happened...
You see, his parents
abandoned him and they'd
leave him in the woods
and he'd be raised by rabbits
and who knows what would happen
when hunting season
would come along?
He might end up
on a little chain
as a good luck charm,
you know what I mean?
Mork... Mindy, please!
See, he's fantastic,
and I'll be a great father.
I'll love him,
I'll care for him,
I'll feed him, I'll do
everything he needs,
and besides... I
named him after you.
Oh, Mork, you're not
making this easy at all.
I don't want to
make it easy for you.
He's fantastic. You
can't send him...
Mork, you can't keep him.
Why not? I paid
good money for him.
Well that's just it,
it's against the
law to buy a baby.
No it isn't, the guy
who sold him to me
says he sells them all the time.
That's right, and he's
going to jail because of that.
Are they here to take him back?
I'm afraid they are.
But don't you understand?
His parents were
mean, nasty people.
That guy lied to you, Mork.
This baby was stolen.
His parents love him very much,
and they want him
back desperately.
All right, you get the baby,
and I'll contact the office.
No, no, no.
I'll give him back to you.
Shh, shh.
Wait.
You've got to keep him real dry,
because he's kind of like
a dribble glass with arms.
And, oh, you've got to
keep him real warm, too.
Got to keep him
wrapped up real tight.
And... if he ever
makes a noise like this...
that means he likes you.
Take care, little fella.
Good-bye, little Mindy.
Top of the world, Ma.
Miss McConnell, Thank you.
We'll be in touch.
I'm going to miss him.
Oh, Mork, I'm so sorry things
worked out like this.
Yeah, me, too.
I feel so bad.
You understand I had to do that,
I had to give him
to those people.
I know.
I didn't know his parents
loved him so much
and wanted him back.
I can't blame them.
I don't know what to say.
I just feel so sorry for you.
Oh, you don't have
to feel sorry for me.
Now I know what
it's like to be a father.
It's really wonderful.
Even being a father for an hour
is better than being
never a father at all.
You're really amazing.
And besides, I would
have made a lousy father.
I couldn't even
get the kid to eat.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, laser breath.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson...
I read you, Mork.
What have you got
for me this week?
Oh, something very
special, Your Immenseness.
This week, I was
a father for an hour.
That's wonderful.
What's a father?
Oh, you remember a mother?
Well a father is the
male counterpart.
If you have a mother,
why do you need a father?
Sounds like
featherbedding to me.
Oh, no. A father's
very important.
He gives the child love.
You told me that's
what the mother did.
Oh, but a child
needs lots of love
so he can grow big
and strong in here.
That's a father's
whole function?
No.
Just loving?
Oh, no, Your Fattitude.
You see, a father serves
another purpose, too.
He provides food,
shelter, leadership,
and according to recent facts,
he works very
hard, worries a lot,
and dies young so his
family can go on living.
Who would apply
for a job like that?
You know, between the
mother and the father,
children receive so
much of everything,
they must be grateful.
Oh, no, sir, you see,
they take it for granted,
until it's gone.
Then they miss it.
Well, I don't understand
why anybody would
want to be a parent.
Orson, it's one
of those situations
where you have to be there.
Because once you hold this,
this little, tiny baby in your arms,
this eensy, teensy tiny being...
it makes it all worthwhile.
Personally, I'll stick
with the test tubes.
Oh, que sera sera.
Until next week,
Your Immenseness...
Nanu-nanu.
Andiamo.