Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 17 - Mork Goes Erk - full transcript
Mork decides to leave the planet. Meanwhile, Susan convinces Mork, Mindy and Mr. Bickley to see a lecherous motivational speaker.
Na-nu, na-nu.
Shazbot!
Mindy, mind if we
start without you?
No, go ahead. I'll
be out in a minute.
How about that new Pope, huh?
Well...
So King Kong's finally up
the Empire State Building
and he's got Fay Wray.
Hey, careful there, my
son, you'll hurt yourself.
He's got Fay Wray and she says,
"Put me down, put me down."
He goes: "Okay."
Yeah, I guess that kind of
bit the big one. You're right.
What is that?!
Oh, Mindy, it's not a what.
It's a "who". I'd like
you to meet O'Keefe!
But you didn't tell me
he was a chimpanzee!
I also didn't tell
you he's on the lam.
He's a con.
He's a what?
He's a fugitive.
He said there's no
zoo in the country
that'll hold him inside.
Well, where did you find him?
Well, I was up in a tree
observing bald spots
on human beings.
I was up to 85 men...
and all of a sudden I realized
something hairy was watching me.
So all of a sudden, I thought,
"Hey, let's bring him home."
He'll cheer you up,
and besides I'm not sending
him back to the Big House
with those rotten screws.
Mork,
that's ridiculous.
He's got to go back to the zoo.
No! You see?
No way. They'll put him
on banana bread and water.
They'll take away his tire.
Mindy, who are you kidding?
It's a jungle in there.
Mork, they don't
do that to animals.
At the zoo he'll get food
and protection and love.
Really? Yeah.
And besides, running around free
he might hurt himself.
Well... I wouldn't
want that to happen.
Well, you heard the warden.
I guess I've got to take
you back to your cell.
I'm sorry, old friend.
Go upstairs and start packing.
But don't worry... we'll arrange
conjugal visits with Cheetah.
And I'll send you a
banana with a file in it.
But look at this, Mindy.
He taught me a dance.
It's the funky-monkey
hustle. Watch.
Come on, Mindy...
Don't be afraid.
Come on, don't be... Mork,
you've been acting
awfully strange lately.
I mean, more strange than usual.
Ah, you've noticed.
Noticed? How could I help it?
Like yesterday,
you spent all day walking
and talking backwards.
Well, that's all behind me now.
Well, what's next?
I'm glad you asked.
Well, today, I
thought I'd go out
and buy 400 balloons
and a tank of nitrous oxide
and some calves liver.
Mork, why are you doing
all these strange things?
To cheer you up.
But I'm not sad.
But you will be after
you hear the news
that I have to tell you.
What news?
Well, I've got
orders from Orson.
I've been transferred
to another planet
and I'll never ever
see you again.
What?
Well, you've got to
look at the good side.
You're not losing an alien.
You're-you're gaining
an empty room.
Well, I have a
very fine set here
and it has some very good
attachments that go with it.
Oh, yeah.
Okay... I'll take them.
It-it doesn't work quite
as well without the cord.
You're not going to
be able to hear a thing.
Perfect.
I want to keep noise out.
If I hear anything,
I'll bring them back.
Well, it's your money.
That'll be $50.
These work fine.
I didn't hear a word you said.
I said that'll be $50.
Will you take a check?
Certainly. Fine.
Get it from your daughter.
Hey, wait a minute.
You just can't walk out of here.
What do you mean,
get it from Mindy?
Listen, I live underneath
your daughter
and I work at home.
I write greeting cards.
Ah... you're Buckley.
Bickley. Yeah, Mindy's
told me about you.
Well, Let me tell you about her.
I can't concentrate
with all that racket.
How do you expect me
to write sympathy cards
with her crying all morning?
Crying? Why was she crying?
Who cares? Crying is crying.
Find out from her when you
hit her up about the check.
Yes, but you just can't...
Oh, Dad... Honey, what's wrong?
Oh, brother!
Honey, what is it?
Oh, something
awful has happened.
Mork's been transferred
to another planet.
I'll probably never
see him again.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Oh... when is he leaving?
In a couple of days.
Dad, what am I gonna do?
Mork... he's just about
my best friend, that's all.
I'm sure glad I don't read lips.
Mindy!
Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
And Mindy's dad...
Hi, Mr. McConnell.
Hello. Hi, Susan.
Hi. Listen, I was just
in the jewelry store
across the street buying
myself a numero uno charm...
Susan, I think maybe
some other time...
Oh. Well, are we a
little depressed today?
Yeah, she's a lot depressed.
Personal reasons.
Well, of course, I
was never one to pry.
All I can tell you is,
I used to get all these emotional
ups and downs all the time
at the least little thing.
But that was before I got ERK.
What's ERK?
Oh, Mindy... E.R.K.
Ellsworth Revitalization
Konditioning.
I don't mean to be picky,
but you spell
"conditioning" with a "C".
Right.
Maybe you do, but
Ellsworth doesn't.
Ellsworth says that
spelling is just
another hang-up.
So, how about it?
Susan, I just don't
feel up to it today.
Hey, grab yourself a cup
and I'll split my
lunch with you.
Thanks, but I'm not
into toy cocktails.
Oh, well, Mindy, I mean,
you can do this if you want,
but just remember,
you're going to be
going through emotional
ups and downs
for the rest of your life
until you find
something like ERK.
You see, Ellsworth
teaches you to love yourself.
I'll bet you got an "A".
"A" plus.
Ta-ta.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
Hey, oh, have I got
a surprise for you.
Oh, I've got a surprise for you.
There we... stay.
Mindy, you'll never guess
what's in the bag.
Take a flying guess.
Come on, take a flying guess.
Mork, I don't
feel like guessing.
Okay, I'll guess
it for you myself.
Time to play "What's my bag"!
Uh, mystery object,
are you a shovel?
No!
Are you a Synanon joke book?
No.
I give up.
Well, I guess I'll
have to tell myself.
And to present the prize,
our lovely prize girl, Lola.
Thank you, Otto.
Guess what it is, Mindy!
It's a going away
present for Mindy
and it's an exciting new gift
I got this morning
on the street corner.
It's Zen-O-Matic.
It's a what?
It's Zen-O-Matic, the
exciting new kitchen tool
that does absolutely
nothing. That's right.
It can't dice, it can't
peel, it can't chop...
it won't even make julienne
fries... whatever those are.
That's right, Zen-O-Matic
does didley for you.
Yes, the exciting
new kitchen tool
from the people who
brought you frozen sand
and electric toothpaste.
Send absolutely nothing today
to Buhdda Productions
care of Nirvana, Box Omm...
Get one today!
I appreciate what
you're trying to do.
I really do.
But I'm just not in the
mood for it right now.
Well, you don't have to
be sad on account of me.
How can I help it?
You're being sent off
to some remote
corner of the universe.
I don't even know where.
It's not that far away.
It's just the other
side of the universe.
It's the Sigma Seven Galaxy.
It's a troubled planet
called Tsoorus.
And the people there
aren't very friendly,
but the good
thing is they're tiny.
Even in their most vicious mood,
they can only bite
you below the ankle.
How can you let
Orson do this to you?
Well, maybe you're
afraid of him, but I'm not.
Plug me into your head.
I want to talk to
that fat fascist.
I guess I forgot to tell you.
You see, I talked
to him this afternoon.
You did? What did he say?
Well, Mindy, I've been
thinking this over a lot
and I don't think I'm
very much good for you.
You know, I do silly things...
I make weird objects...
I talk to furniture
and leave you out
of the conversation...
I'm always getting in the way...
I bring home strange people.
I see.
Orson wouldn't change his mind.
No, I talked to Orson
for a real long time and...
he said I could stay on
Earth as long as I want.
He did?!
That's wonderful.
Yeah, it's nice to
have a choice...
and I chose to leave.
Mork, but why?
Why would you
want to leave here?
Are you unhappy?
Is it something that I've done?
Oh, no.
It's something you have.
Emotions.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh, yes, it does.
See, one day I'm going
to have to leave the earth,
and it's going to
hurt you very much.
I've only been here a few
months and look how you feel.
Imagine what it would
be like after ten years?
The longer I stay, the
harder it will be for you.
But what about you?
Me? The Cosmic Charles Bronson?
I don't have a heart.
It won't be a problem for me.
It's a problem for me.
I've got a big
adjustment to make...
Getting used to no Mork.
I know what I can do...
get O'Keefe out on parole.
It'll be almost like
having me around.
It'll be a lot like
having you around.
Oh, what a nice thing to say.
Who is it?
Miss McConnell...
Oh, no...
Mr. Bickley, please,
we are not making any noise.
We're not doing anything.
I know that.
I was just downstairs
feeling depressed.
I thought I'd come up here
and share it with you.
Ah, Mr. Pickley! That's
nice. That's Bickley.
Oh, Mindy, let him come in.
He has something to share.
Something really nice.
Mr. Bickley, I'm
sorry to be rude,
but I'm very upset right now.
Mork is leaving town.
Ha! That's didley.
He's just going out of town.
I'm going out of business.
I used to be the best
greeting card writer around.
But I can't work anymore.
Oh, come on.
We don't make that much noise.
I know.
I was blaming it on you,
but it's time I faced it.
I've lost it.
Well, we could form a
posse and find it if you want.
Oh, it's no use.
They say your sympathy
is the first thing to go.
I used to be able to get
tears out of a coat rack.
Not any more.
Listen to this.
"Your pet rabbit died,
"Poor little Muffit
"Your two choices are:
Eat it or stuff it."
Oh, that's sad.
Mr. Bickley, you're just
going through a writer's slump.
Mork is leaving for good.
Look, sister, little Muffit
ain't coming back either.
Oh, none of us has a
reason to be happy now.
I'll drink to that.
Knock-knock.
Well, what a group.
Hear No Evil, See No Evil and...
Feel No Pain.
What's wrong with you people?
I've lost my talent.
Mork is leaving.
The rabbit died.
You know you guys
could just sit around here
feeling depressed or you
could all be straightened out
by one little thing.
Paul Williams?
No... ERK.
You people have got to get ERK.
You've been irking
me since you came in.
Mindy, listen.
ERK would help you
with your depression
and Mr. Bickley... you know,
you could use some
help with your drinking.
I drink fine by myself.
Oh, and, Mork, I bet he could
come up with something for you.
Yeah.
That sounds exciting.
Come on, Mindy,
let's not poop the party.
Ellsworth might be
able to help both of us,
and besides, I don't
want to leave you like this.
Oh, Mindy, come on.
Look, it would do you some good
and I am not going to
take "no" for an answer.
I am going to sit right here
until I get your word on it,
and that goes for
you, too, Mr. Hickle.
Bickley!
Oh, Ellsworth,
before we get started
I have a couple of friends
I'm dying for you to meet.
Two of my closest
friends in the entire world.
Uh, Mork and Mindy...
This is Ellsworth.
Oh, Ellsworth, you know,
we're so lucky to have a
man like you, so unselfish
with a special gift...
Yeah, Excuse me.
Excuse me, could
you hold that thought
just a moment? Oh, yes.
17, 18, 19...
20... 20 bodies, 20 checks.
Okay, we're all set.
Now, what were you saying?
She was saying how nice it was
that an unselfish man like you
came all this way for
a little thing like money.
Yeah, it sure is.
Okay, the agreement
was for 8:00.
Let's begin the
session, all right?
Oh, right. Yes.
Oh, everybody, places, places.
Ellsworth is ready.
Boy, you're really going
to hear something now.
Hellooo.
Hellooo.
Is that it?
You people are all dipsticks.
You're scuzz!
The next question is, of course,
what will you be doing here?
Susan?
Well, we will be trying
to find our own space.
Uh, very good, Susan, very good.
Yes, you have an item, Mork?
Uh... A point of
Ellsworth order.
Um... my item is simply this.
It seems like Susan
has her own space.
This is her apartment
and there's barely
enough room for any of us.
That's a joke.
You're out of order, pal.
But it's a reality.
Reality is nothing
more than a concept.
Oh, but it's truth.
This is truth... Sit
down and shut up.
Thank you.
Now... it's sharing time.
This is the time when you people
will say whatever
is on your mind.
Say whatever you
think will set you free.
Who wants to begin here?
Susan.
Oh.
Um...
Well, it-it used to bother me
and intimidate me that I
was so much more beautiful
than anyone else, but...
since I got ERK, I discovered
that I just have to learn
to live with the fact
that I'm fun to be near,
and just love myself as
the rest of the world does.
Anyone else?
I'm having trouble
understanding any of this.
Perhaps you can understand this.
Sit down and shut up.
Anyone else have
something to share?
Uh, yeah. Uh...
Wait. I have some very
fine Kentucky bourbon here.
I'd like to share it with
somebody who has some soda.
Obviously you're new.
You don't know
about our agreement.
Getting ERK is not easy.
Sometimes these
sessions last up to 15 hours
and during that time,
there will be no eating.
Who cares?
No going to the bathroom.
Big deal.
No drinking.
Wait till you try
to cash my check.
I have something that
I would like to share.
ERK is not a process.
ERK is something that
happens in space. In fact...
It may be space.
It's definitely not space.
Space is a continuum...
An inf... wait.
Don't tell me.
"Sit down and shut up."
Yes, Mindy, you have an item?
My item is that I
paid a lot of money
to come here and
learn something.
Well, then you've learned
something important
already, haven't you?
What?
You have been conned.
That's terrible.
"Terrible" is just a concept.
Oh, I get it.
Anything that you don't want
to talk about is just a concept.
No, not my Rolls-Royce.
That's real.
Why don't you go ahead
and sit down, Mindy?
We've caught your act.
Well. Mr. Ellsworth,
I have another point of order.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Thank you, I
think it's a biggie.
People don't come here
for humiliation and abuse.
Every creature in the
universe is entitled to respect.
Ridiculous.
Nobody wants to
hear that message.
Sit down and shut up.
But you said to say
what was on our mind.
Well, I've changed the rules.
But not before I get
one more thing in.
I think you should be
honest with yourself,
like yourself, trust yourself
and know yourself.
That's all you
ever need to know.
Oh, Mork, that's beautiful.
Did Orson tell you that?
No, Leon Spinks.
Oh, there's one other
thing I'd like to talk about...
This concept of not letting
people go to the bathroom.
Well, I myself can't
sit still for that and...
I think we should all take
a rest break right now.
What do you think, everyone?
Yeah.
Take a rest break, everyone.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about the agreement?
I think we just
changed the rules.
All right.
All right, those
people want to leave?
Those people who
want to drop out, fine.
I'm still the winner.
I get to go home early.
I've got all your money...
and most importantly,
I've got my Rolls-Royce.
Thank you so much.
Well, he's cute.
My Rolls-Royce. My...
Is... Somebody has
stolen my Rolls-Royce.
Well, don't worry, Ellsworth,
just losing your
Rolls-Royce is a concept.
Getting it back is a reality.
Well, it's good-bye, apartment.
Fern, I love ya.
Phil, get rid of that dendron.
Sofie, you've been a great lie.
Take it easy, chair.
Good-bye, walls.
Good-bye, air.
Good-bye, little
tiny dust particle.
Good-bye, electrons.
Good-bye, protons.
Good-bye, nucleus.
Mork, before you finish
saying your good-byes,
which at this rate
could be some time
around mid-September,
I want to talk to
you for a minute.
I've been doing some observing,
and I learned something
last night at the meeting.
You don't practice
what you preach.
Mayday. Sense
of verbal confusion.
Well, at the meeting last night,
you talked about
knowing yourself.
Well, let me tell you something.
You might not have had emotions
when you arrived here,
but you've got them now.
I don't. Sit down and shut up.
Nobody could have said
all those wonderful things
without feeling them.
And I figured
something else out, too.
You're not leaving
because of me.
You're leaving because of you.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not.
You're the one who won't be able
to handle leaving if
you stay much longer.
Me?
Yeah,
I don't want to go home.
It's cold out there.
Who else will let me
do the things you do?
I'm gonna miss you.
I feel humiliation and guilt.
Oh, Mork, you don't
have to feel guilty
about having emotions.
Oh, yeah. Orson said
emotions are bad for you.
We'll never evolve
if you have emotions.
Shh!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Boy, is he a nimnull!
Where are you going?
I'm going upstairs
to talk to Orson.
I'm not leaving.
You're not?
No way. Boy, having
feelings is good.
I'm back, Jack.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson. Taxi!
Orson speaking.
Well, are you ready to leave?
Oh, no, Your Immenseness.
I've decided to stay.
Mork, are you sure
you want to extend
your Earth visit?
Oh, yes, Your Girthship.
I want to continue my
observation of human emotions...
Especially guilt.
Emotions?
Does everyone have them?
Absolutely everyone.
Well, with the possible
exception of a few presidents.
What are presidents?
Well, they're elected officials
who are sent to
Washington every four years
to bring the country
to financial ruin,
recognize Chinese
and throw a baseball out
once every spring.
Is that all?
Well, I've also observed
that they never tell a lie,
but then again, they
never tell the truth.
It's something called politics.
And they also have
a power that's feared
very much by
everyone called "veto."
What's that?
I'm not sure, but I think
it's an Italian bodyguard.
Sounds dull.
Oh, no, sir.
The big bucks comes when
you get to be an ex-president.
Then publishers pay
you millions of dollars
to write things called memoirs,
but the strange part is...
They don't have
very good memories,
and the really funny part
is... No one buys those books.
Well, that's all she
wrote, Your Fatship,
Catch you next week.
Nanu-nanu.
Shazbot!
Mindy, mind if we
start without you?
No, go ahead. I'll
be out in a minute.
How about that new Pope, huh?
Well...
So King Kong's finally up
the Empire State Building
and he's got Fay Wray.
Hey, careful there, my
son, you'll hurt yourself.
He's got Fay Wray and she says,
"Put me down, put me down."
He goes: "Okay."
Yeah, I guess that kind of
bit the big one. You're right.
What is that?!
Oh, Mindy, it's not a what.
It's a "who". I'd like
you to meet O'Keefe!
But you didn't tell me
he was a chimpanzee!
I also didn't tell
you he's on the lam.
He's a con.
He's a what?
He's a fugitive.
He said there's no
zoo in the country
that'll hold him inside.
Well, where did you find him?
Well, I was up in a tree
observing bald spots
on human beings.
I was up to 85 men...
and all of a sudden I realized
something hairy was watching me.
So all of a sudden, I thought,
"Hey, let's bring him home."
He'll cheer you up,
and besides I'm not sending
him back to the Big House
with those rotten screws.
Mork,
that's ridiculous.
He's got to go back to the zoo.
No! You see?
No way. They'll put him
on banana bread and water.
They'll take away his tire.
Mindy, who are you kidding?
It's a jungle in there.
Mork, they don't
do that to animals.
At the zoo he'll get food
and protection and love.
Really? Yeah.
And besides, running around free
he might hurt himself.
Well... I wouldn't
want that to happen.
Well, you heard the warden.
I guess I've got to take
you back to your cell.
I'm sorry, old friend.
Go upstairs and start packing.
But don't worry... we'll arrange
conjugal visits with Cheetah.
And I'll send you a
banana with a file in it.
But look at this, Mindy.
He taught me a dance.
It's the funky-monkey
hustle. Watch.
Come on, Mindy...
Don't be afraid.
Come on, don't be... Mork,
you've been acting
awfully strange lately.
I mean, more strange than usual.
Ah, you've noticed.
Noticed? How could I help it?
Like yesterday,
you spent all day walking
and talking backwards.
Well, that's all behind me now.
Well, what's next?
I'm glad you asked.
Well, today, I
thought I'd go out
and buy 400 balloons
and a tank of nitrous oxide
and some calves liver.
Mork, why are you doing
all these strange things?
To cheer you up.
But I'm not sad.
But you will be after
you hear the news
that I have to tell you.
What news?
Well, I've got
orders from Orson.
I've been transferred
to another planet
and I'll never ever
see you again.
What?
Well, you've got to
look at the good side.
You're not losing an alien.
You're-you're gaining
an empty room.
Well, I have a
very fine set here
and it has some very good
attachments that go with it.
Oh, yeah.
Okay... I'll take them.
It-it doesn't work quite
as well without the cord.
You're not going to
be able to hear a thing.
Perfect.
I want to keep noise out.
If I hear anything,
I'll bring them back.
Well, it's your money.
That'll be $50.
These work fine.
I didn't hear a word you said.
I said that'll be $50.
Will you take a check?
Certainly. Fine.
Get it from your daughter.
Hey, wait a minute.
You just can't walk out of here.
What do you mean,
get it from Mindy?
Listen, I live underneath
your daughter
and I work at home.
I write greeting cards.
Ah... you're Buckley.
Bickley. Yeah, Mindy's
told me about you.
Well, Let me tell you about her.
I can't concentrate
with all that racket.
How do you expect me
to write sympathy cards
with her crying all morning?
Crying? Why was she crying?
Who cares? Crying is crying.
Find out from her when you
hit her up about the check.
Yes, but you just can't...
Oh, Dad... Honey, what's wrong?
Oh, brother!
Honey, what is it?
Oh, something
awful has happened.
Mork's been transferred
to another planet.
I'll probably never
see him again.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Oh... when is he leaving?
In a couple of days.
Dad, what am I gonna do?
Mork... he's just about
my best friend, that's all.
I'm sure glad I don't read lips.
Mindy!
Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
And Mindy's dad...
Hi, Mr. McConnell.
Hello. Hi, Susan.
Hi. Listen, I was just
in the jewelry store
across the street buying
myself a numero uno charm...
Susan, I think maybe
some other time...
Oh. Well, are we a
little depressed today?
Yeah, she's a lot depressed.
Personal reasons.
Well, of course, I
was never one to pry.
All I can tell you is,
I used to get all these emotional
ups and downs all the time
at the least little thing.
But that was before I got ERK.
What's ERK?
Oh, Mindy... E.R.K.
Ellsworth Revitalization
Konditioning.
I don't mean to be picky,
but you spell
"conditioning" with a "C".
Right.
Maybe you do, but
Ellsworth doesn't.
Ellsworth says that
spelling is just
another hang-up.
So, how about it?
Susan, I just don't
feel up to it today.
Hey, grab yourself a cup
and I'll split my
lunch with you.
Thanks, but I'm not
into toy cocktails.
Oh, well, Mindy, I mean,
you can do this if you want,
but just remember,
you're going to be
going through emotional
ups and downs
for the rest of your life
until you find
something like ERK.
You see, Ellsworth
teaches you to love yourself.
I'll bet you got an "A".
"A" plus.
Ta-ta.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy.
Hey, oh, have I got
a surprise for you.
Oh, I've got a surprise for you.
There we... stay.
Mindy, you'll never guess
what's in the bag.
Take a flying guess.
Come on, take a flying guess.
Mork, I don't
feel like guessing.
Okay, I'll guess
it for you myself.
Time to play "What's my bag"!
Uh, mystery object,
are you a shovel?
No!
Are you a Synanon joke book?
No.
I give up.
Well, I guess I'll
have to tell myself.
And to present the prize,
our lovely prize girl, Lola.
Thank you, Otto.
Guess what it is, Mindy!
It's a going away
present for Mindy
and it's an exciting new gift
I got this morning
on the street corner.
It's Zen-O-Matic.
It's a what?
It's Zen-O-Matic, the
exciting new kitchen tool
that does absolutely
nothing. That's right.
It can't dice, it can't
peel, it can't chop...
it won't even make julienne
fries... whatever those are.
That's right, Zen-O-Matic
does didley for you.
Yes, the exciting
new kitchen tool
from the people who
brought you frozen sand
and electric toothpaste.
Send absolutely nothing today
to Buhdda Productions
care of Nirvana, Box Omm...
Get one today!
I appreciate what
you're trying to do.
I really do.
But I'm just not in the
mood for it right now.
Well, you don't have to
be sad on account of me.
How can I help it?
You're being sent off
to some remote
corner of the universe.
I don't even know where.
It's not that far away.
It's just the other
side of the universe.
It's the Sigma Seven Galaxy.
It's a troubled planet
called Tsoorus.
And the people there
aren't very friendly,
but the good
thing is they're tiny.
Even in their most vicious mood,
they can only bite
you below the ankle.
How can you let
Orson do this to you?
Well, maybe you're
afraid of him, but I'm not.
Plug me into your head.
I want to talk to
that fat fascist.
I guess I forgot to tell you.
You see, I talked
to him this afternoon.
You did? What did he say?
Well, Mindy, I've been
thinking this over a lot
and I don't think I'm
very much good for you.
You know, I do silly things...
I make weird objects...
I talk to furniture
and leave you out
of the conversation...
I'm always getting in the way...
I bring home strange people.
I see.
Orson wouldn't change his mind.
No, I talked to Orson
for a real long time and...
he said I could stay on
Earth as long as I want.
He did?!
That's wonderful.
Yeah, it's nice to
have a choice...
and I chose to leave.
Mork, but why?
Why would you
want to leave here?
Are you unhappy?
Is it something that I've done?
Oh, no.
It's something you have.
Emotions.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh, yes, it does.
See, one day I'm going
to have to leave the earth,
and it's going to
hurt you very much.
I've only been here a few
months and look how you feel.
Imagine what it would
be like after ten years?
The longer I stay, the
harder it will be for you.
But what about you?
Me? The Cosmic Charles Bronson?
I don't have a heart.
It won't be a problem for me.
It's a problem for me.
I've got a big
adjustment to make...
Getting used to no Mork.
I know what I can do...
get O'Keefe out on parole.
It'll be almost like
having me around.
It'll be a lot like
having you around.
Oh, what a nice thing to say.
Who is it?
Miss McConnell...
Oh, no...
Mr. Bickley, please,
we are not making any noise.
We're not doing anything.
I know that.
I was just downstairs
feeling depressed.
I thought I'd come up here
and share it with you.
Ah, Mr. Pickley! That's
nice. That's Bickley.
Oh, Mindy, let him come in.
He has something to share.
Something really nice.
Mr. Bickley, I'm
sorry to be rude,
but I'm very upset right now.
Mork is leaving town.
Ha! That's didley.
He's just going out of town.
I'm going out of business.
I used to be the best
greeting card writer around.
But I can't work anymore.
Oh, come on.
We don't make that much noise.
I know.
I was blaming it on you,
but it's time I faced it.
I've lost it.
Well, we could form a
posse and find it if you want.
Oh, it's no use.
They say your sympathy
is the first thing to go.
I used to be able to get
tears out of a coat rack.
Not any more.
Listen to this.
"Your pet rabbit died,
"Poor little Muffit
"Your two choices are:
Eat it or stuff it."
Oh, that's sad.
Mr. Bickley, you're just
going through a writer's slump.
Mork is leaving for good.
Look, sister, little Muffit
ain't coming back either.
Oh, none of us has a
reason to be happy now.
I'll drink to that.
Knock-knock.
Well, what a group.
Hear No Evil, See No Evil and...
Feel No Pain.
What's wrong with you people?
I've lost my talent.
Mork is leaving.
The rabbit died.
You know you guys
could just sit around here
feeling depressed or you
could all be straightened out
by one little thing.
Paul Williams?
No... ERK.
You people have got to get ERK.
You've been irking
me since you came in.
Mindy, listen.
ERK would help you
with your depression
and Mr. Bickley... you know,
you could use some
help with your drinking.
I drink fine by myself.
Oh, and, Mork, I bet he could
come up with something for you.
Yeah.
That sounds exciting.
Come on, Mindy,
let's not poop the party.
Ellsworth might be
able to help both of us,
and besides, I don't
want to leave you like this.
Oh, Mindy, come on.
Look, it would do you some good
and I am not going to
take "no" for an answer.
I am going to sit right here
until I get your word on it,
and that goes for
you, too, Mr. Hickle.
Bickley!
Oh, Ellsworth,
before we get started
I have a couple of friends
I'm dying for you to meet.
Two of my closest
friends in the entire world.
Uh, Mork and Mindy...
This is Ellsworth.
Oh, Ellsworth, you know,
we're so lucky to have a
man like you, so unselfish
with a special gift...
Yeah, Excuse me.
Excuse me, could
you hold that thought
just a moment? Oh, yes.
17, 18, 19...
20... 20 bodies, 20 checks.
Okay, we're all set.
Now, what were you saying?
She was saying how nice it was
that an unselfish man like you
came all this way for
a little thing like money.
Yeah, it sure is.
Okay, the agreement
was for 8:00.
Let's begin the
session, all right?
Oh, right. Yes.
Oh, everybody, places, places.
Ellsworth is ready.
Boy, you're really going
to hear something now.
Hellooo.
Hellooo.
Is that it?
You people are all dipsticks.
You're scuzz!
The next question is, of course,
what will you be doing here?
Susan?
Well, we will be trying
to find our own space.
Uh, very good, Susan, very good.
Yes, you have an item, Mork?
Uh... A point of
Ellsworth order.
Um... my item is simply this.
It seems like Susan
has her own space.
This is her apartment
and there's barely
enough room for any of us.
That's a joke.
You're out of order, pal.
But it's a reality.
Reality is nothing
more than a concept.
Oh, but it's truth.
This is truth... Sit
down and shut up.
Thank you.
Now... it's sharing time.
This is the time when you people
will say whatever
is on your mind.
Say whatever you
think will set you free.
Who wants to begin here?
Susan.
Oh.
Um...
Well, it-it used to bother me
and intimidate me that I
was so much more beautiful
than anyone else, but...
since I got ERK, I discovered
that I just have to learn
to live with the fact
that I'm fun to be near,
and just love myself as
the rest of the world does.
Anyone else?
I'm having trouble
understanding any of this.
Perhaps you can understand this.
Sit down and shut up.
Anyone else have
something to share?
Uh, yeah. Uh...
Wait. I have some very
fine Kentucky bourbon here.
I'd like to share it with
somebody who has some soda.
Obviously you're new.
You don't know
about our agreement.
Getting ERK is not easy.
Sometimes these
sessions last up to 15 hours
and during that time,
there will be no eating.
Who cares?
No going to the bathroom.
Big deal.
No drinking.
Wait till you try
to cash my check.
I have something that
I would like to share.
ERK is not a process.
ERK is something that
happens in space. In fact...
It may be space.
It's definitely not space.
Space is a continuum...
An inf... wait.
Don't tell me.
"Sit down and shut up."
Yes, Mindy, you have an item?
My item is that I
paid a lot of money
to come here and
learn something.
Well, then you've learned
something important
already, haven't you?
What?
You have been conned.
That's terrible.
"Terrible" is just a concept.
Oh, I get it.
Anything that you don't want
to talk about is just a concept.
No, not my Rolls-Royce.
That's real.
Why don't you go ahead
and sit down, Mindy?
We've caught your act.
Well. Mr. Ellsworth,
I have another point of order.
Yeah, go right ahead.
Thank you, I
think it's a biggie.
People don't come here
for humiliation and abuse.
Every creature in the
universe is entitled to respect.
Ridiculous.
Nobody wants to
hear that message.
Sit down and shut up.
But you said to say
what was on our mind.
Well, I've changed the rules.
But not before I get
one more thing in.
I think you should be
honest with yourself,
like yourself, trust yourself
and know yourself.
That's all you
ever need to know.
Oh, Mork, that's beautiful.
Did Orson tell you that?
No, Leon Spinks.
Oh, there's one other
thing I'd like to talk about...
This concept of not letting
people go to the bathroom.
Well, I myself can't
sit still for that and...
I think we should all take
a rest break right now.
What do you think, everyone?
Yeah.
Take a rest break, everyone.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about the agreement?
I think we just
changed the rules.
All right.
All right, those
people want to leave?
Those people who
want to drop out, fine.
I'm still the winner.
I get to go home early.
I've got all your money...
and most importantly,
I've got my Rolls-Royce.
Thank you so much.
Well, he's cute.
My Rolls-Royce. My...
Is... Somebody has
stolen my Rolls-Royce.
Well, don't worry, Ellsworth,
just losing your
Rolls-Royce is a concept.
Getting it back is a reality.
Well, it's good-bye, apartment.
Fern, I love ya.
Phil, get rid of that dendron.
Sofie, you've been a great lie.
Take it easy, chair.
Good-bye, walls.
Good-bye, air.
Good-bye, little
tiny dust particle.
Good-bye, electrons.
Good-bye, protons.
Good-bye, nucleus.
Mork, before you finish
saying your good-byes,
which at this rate
could be some time
around mid-September,
I want to talk to
you for a minute.
I've been doing some observing,
and I learned something
last night at the meeting.
You don't practice
what you preach.
Mayday. Sense
of verbal confusion.
Well, at the meeting last night,
you talked about
knowing yourself.
Well, let me tell you something.
You might not have had emotions
when you arrived here,
but you've got them now.
I don't. Sit down and shut up.
Nobody could have said
all those wonderful things
without feeling them.
And I figured
something else out, too.
You're not leaving
because of me.
You're leaving because of you.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not.
You're the one who won't be able
to handle leaving if
you stay much longer.
Me?
Yeah,
I don't want to go home.
It's cold out there.
Who else will let me
do the things you do?
I'm gonna miss you.
I feel humiliation and guilt.
Oh, Mork, you don't
have to feel guilty
about having emotions.
Oh, yeah. Orson said
emotions are bad for you.
We'll never evolve
if you have emotions.
Shh!
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Boy, is he a nimnull!
Where are you going?
I'm going upstairs
to talk to Orson.
I'm not leaving.
You're not?
No way. Boy, having
feelings is good.
I'm back, Jack.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson. Taxi!
Orson speaking.
Well, are you ready to leave?
Oh, no, Your Immenseness.
I've decided to stay.
Mork, are you sure
you want to extend
your Earth visit?
Oh, yes, Your Girthship.
I want to continue my
observation of human emotions...
Especially guilt.
Emotions?
Does everyone have them?
Absolutely everyone.
Well, with the possible
exception of a few presidents.
What are presidents?
Well, they're elected officials
who are sent to
Washington every four years
to bring the country
to financial ruin,
recognize Chinese
and throw a baseball out
once every spring.
Is that all?
Well, I've also observed
that they never tell a lie,
but then again, they
never tell the truth.
It's something called politics.
And they also have
a power that's feared
very much by
everyone called "veto."
What's that?
I'm not sure, but I think
it's an Italian bodyguard.
Sounds dull.
Oh, no, sir.
The big bucks comes when
you get to be an ex-president.
Then publishers pay
you millions of dollars
to write things called memoirs,
but the strange part is...
They don't have
very good memories,
and the really funny part
is... No one buys those books.
Well, that's all she
wrote, Your Fatship,
Catch you next week.
Nanu-nanu.