Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 15 - Young Love - full transcript

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Oh, I love a good wedding.

You know, it's always
such a happy occasion.

Not for that poor
sucker in the white dress.

You mean the bride?

I couldn't tell.

They had that net over her head.

What a really vicious
tribal custom, you know?

I knew they had it in for her

when she tried to make
her getaway down the aisle,



and they had that midget
holding her back by the dress.

And I knew it was
really over for her

when that guy
dragged her out front

to meet that vicious mob.

What vicious mob?

Well, the one that
was pelting her

with little white pebbles.

No wonder married women
get so many headaches.

Mork, those people weren't
throwing little white pebbles.

They were throwing rice,
and it's what earthlings do

to wish the newly
married couple good luck.

It wasn't good luck
for those people

whose feet they stole and
tied to the back of that car.

Those were old shoes,



and they symbolize
the hope for prosperity.

Just like the cans that
are tied on the back.

They tie their cans
back there, too?

Well, it's kind of late
for somebody to drop by.

Will you see who it is?

Who is it?

Eugene.

It's Eugene.

You know, you really amaze me.

And myself, too.

Eugene, what are
you doing here so late?

I'm running away from home.

Your home's chasing you?

It must be a mobile home.

Well, why are you running away?

Because of my mother.

She acts like she owns me.

I'll give you some money.

You can make a down
payment and buy yourself back.

Mothers don't care about money.

All they care about is power.

Hang up your clothes.

Eat your vegetables.

Brush your teeth.

Take a bath.

I always thought mothers
were nice people, too.

Not mine.

Anyway, I just wanted
to say good-bye.

I'm gonna miss you,
my main munchkin.

There's some tears
gonna well up in my eyes.

I feel a severe
moisture right now.

Eugene,

do you really think that
running away is the answer?

I just can't stand anymore.

Tonight she yelled at
me for spitting out my liver.

Spitting out your liver...
That could kill you!

Eugene, those
organs were put there

for a purpose.

It was calves' liver.

Oh. Dopey me.

Then there's the milk hassle.

She makes me
finish every last drop.

Well, that's because
milk is good for you.

Ah, but it's still hard to drink

once you know
where it comes from.

Eugene, in a couple of days,

you're gonna look
back on this whole thing,

and you're gonna laugh about it.

No way.

This has been building
up since I was three.

Maybe longer.

I can't remember before that.

She didn't

even like my
Mother's Day present,

and I saved a long
time to buy that snake.

I didn't realize children
were so persecuted.

Well,

so long, Mork.

What it was, Plasma.

Mindy.

Eugene, I hate to tell you,

but as bad as you think
you have it at home,

you're no worse off than
any other kids your age.

Now look, I happen
to know your mother,

and I know that
she's a nice, sweet

and fair person.

So, she got to you, didn't she?

Look, and your parents
are probably worried

to death by now, so
I'm gonna take you home

for your own good.

Why doesn't anyone
take me to Disneyland

for my own good?

Come on.

No, no.

You're not gonna take
him back to that tyrant!

I grant him parental asylum.

Hell, no, we won't go!

Hell, no, we won't go!

Hell, no...

Come on.

Come on, you guys, what is
the worst thing could happen?

She could strap me to my chair

and make me eat broccoli.

Broccoli! Aah!

Broccoli's despised
throughout the universe.

When was the last
time you ate broccoli?

Well, when I was
three bleams old.

And I still haven't
swallowed it.

So, Eugene's
parents weren't upset?

Not at all.

They had a feeling
that he was with us.

He left a note saying

to forward his
allowance to my house.

Oh.

Kids do some crazy
things sometimes.

Ah, yeah, well, that
hardly comes as a shock

to the father of
an ex-four-year-old

who once tried to defect.

I...? No.

Oh, yes, yes.

You got very mad at me
one day when I hollered at you

for drying the
dishes with the cat.

Then you went up to your
room, and you got your pillow

and your teddy bear and
your pinecone collection.

You announced you were
running away from home.

Where did I go?

Uh, nowhere. There
were no volunteers

when you asked who
was gonna drive you.

Mindy.

Hi.

Carbonation.

Carbonation?

Well, you told me never
to call you Pops again.

Mork, you're a gas.

Hello.

So, what have you
been doing this morning?

Well, I was making observations
of your primitive planet.

You know, I'm really impressed

with how your police
deal with tension here

by throwing parties
for their citizens.

I saw this one policeman
who had stopped a guy

and was teaching
him how to dance

by touching his nose and going,
"Come on, now, can you do it?"

When he did that, well,
they gave him a present

and gave him a chance
to blow up a balloon,

then he gave him a massage

and gave him a
free ride in his car.

I was so impressed, I
jumped out of the crowd

that was watching and
said, "Police hospitality!

Police hospitality!"

Well, that's it for today, dear.

For a first lesson,

you did very well, Holly.

Before long, you and the
piano will be the best of friends.

I'm not ready for that kind
of relationship, Mrs. Hudson.

Oh.

Well, I'll go in back and
pick out some practice books

for you if you'll wait here.

I'm young.

I have time.

Hello. I'm Donny Osmond.

All right, I'll tell the truth.

My name is Mork. Nanu-nanu.

Are you a stranger?

Well, depends on
where I am, actually.

Then I'm not
supposed to talk to you.

It's for my own good.

Holly, I think you
can talk to Mork.

He's a good friend of
Mrs. Hudson's and mine.

He's okay.

So, what brings you
here, little cherub?

Well, my mother said I
should take piano lessons

because I'd be glad to know
how to play when I was 20.

So, how'd your lesson go?

I'd better not die when I'm 19.

Hostility rating: 104.9.

Are you angry at
your mother, too?

Let's just say, she owes me.

Come along, Holly, dear,

and I'll show you

what I want you to practice.

What a cute little girl.

Oh, she's lucky.

I never got to practice
piano when I was a kid.

They could never
fit it in the test tube.

Oh...

Eugene!

What's action, fraction?

Let it slide, Clyde.

Get down, now,
get back up again.

Oh, I guess you're not buying
that honky jive today, eh?

What's wrong? Trouble at home?

You still have broccoli
written all over your face.

You know, my
cousin's really lucky.

He's married and doesn't have

to get washed every night.

Boy, marriage is
the only way to go.

Hey, who's that?

Well, that's Holly.

Her mother's down on her, too.

Sure is a doll.

An android, maybe,
but not a doll.

No, that's not what I meant.

A cute chick, a fox, you know?

Oh! Real hot stuff!

Oh, a fox.

Okay, Eugene, it's
time for your lesson.

Why are you doing that?

Oh, Eugene said
you're hot stuff.

Actually, you're only 98.4.

Mork!

Did you really say that?

Uh, not to the best
of my recollection.

Oh, come on, plasma,
you're stonewalling now.

Actually, he said that.

He called you more than that.

He said you were a fox,
a doll and cute poultry.

You're weird!

Whoa.

The Princess almost decked you.

Why did she do that?

I think she likes me.

Oh, you'd better be careful
she doesn't like you too much.

You'll be carrying your
teeth around in a bag.

Mindy, you can do it! Fly!

It's all right!

I know you can!

Newton was wrong.

Do it like Tinkerbell does...

Go for it, girl, go for it!

What are you...
what are you doing?

I was just trying
to help you lift off.

What you have to really
do is shave your head

to reduce the friction. Come on!

Let's try it again. There we go!

Put me down!

Oh, there's no place like home.

Mork, I wasn't trying to fly.

I'm late for a luncheon,
and I've got to meet Sally,

and I'm trying to dry my nails.

Oh, that's easy.
Here, let me show you.

Just have to wipe
them off like this.

This wipes this
stuff right off there.

Whoa. Here we go.

Whoa.

Thanks.

Well, what are friends for?

Whoa.

You know, Mindy, you've got

to wash your hands
a little bit more often.

Mindy,

there's one thing
I don't understand.

Boy, you could've fooled me.

Well, Eugene told
me he liked Holly,

but he didn't tell her.

Well, you see, Mork,
some people are shy.

They might like
someone, but oftentimes

they can't express
their feelings

because they're
afraid the other person

might not like them. Oh.

Then why did Eugene
think Holly liked him

when she punched him
and told him he was weird?

Oh, well, boys and
girls often punch or push

or hit each other as
a way of getting close.

Punching and hitting and calling

someone names
means you like them?

Yeah, it can.

Then the Rams and
the Cowboys are lovers?

I'll get that.

Might be Avon.

Oh, hi.

Mork, I got to talk to you.

What's wrong, Jackson?

Can we be alone?

That's impossible.
There're two of us.

I just don't want
M-I-D-N-Y to hear.

Well, listen, good old
Midny can take a hint.

Uh, if your
conversation's so private,

why don't you have
it up in the attic?

That's really
appreciative of you.

Have a good night, Bird Legs.

Bird Legs?

I'm really into affection.

See you later, burro breath.

So, this is your pad?

No, no, this is my room.

This is my pad over here.

Look at this. It's
really amazing, too.

If you move it real fast,
it looks like blank pages.

I don't know how
you keep it so neat.

Well, tidiness is my life.

Well, I'm ready.

What is your question
you want to ask me?

I'm waiting with a
worm on my tongue.

What?

Baited breath.

Oh.

Mork, I think Holly
and I are in love.

Oh, this sounds serious, plasma.

We'd better sit down
and analyze this.

Beep.

So, what are the
early warning signals?

Well, she called
me piano mouth...

Piano mouth.

Bozo brain...

Bozo brain.

And something I
have only seen once

on the bathroom wall.

Sounds like the real thing.

We have so much in common.

We both can't stand milk, liver,

baths, broccoli and mothers.

Her mom made her get
rid of her pet goldfish.

Oh, sounds serious.

Did she take it
back to the store?

They wouldn't take it.

It's been dead for a week.

Oh. That's really a pity,

because they're
easier to train that way.

Only if Holly and I
could run away together,

our problems would be solved.

Well, you tried that once
before, and it didn't work.

I didn't go far enough.

This time, I'd go on a ship,
so the captain would marry us.

And then our parents
couldn't bug us anymore.

A captain of a ship
can marry people?

I saw it in a movie once.

I see. I came here in a ship.

I was the only
person on that ship.

Ipso facto, then I'm a captain.

Hey, that's great!

Would you marry Holly and me?

Sure, no big deal!

Come up here tomorrow afternoon

after school, and it's yours.

Right on! Sam, blam, Sam, blam!

By the way, you'd
better not tell anyone

we're getting married.

Eugene, are you sure
you're doing the right thing?

I thought people
here only get married

when they want to have children.

We don't need
them, we are children.

Makes sense, my man!

Ha, ha.

Boy, am I a dummy!

Good-bye.

Hello.

Hi.

What have you been
doing all morning?

Well, I was down at the library.

Eugene said that
was the place to go

if you want to learn everything
you want to know about weddings,

and I was there all morning

and no one got
married, so I came back.

Oh.

Why the sudden
interest in weddings?

Well, who knows?

Maybe I'm the marrying kind.

Irrepressible delight
at ambiguous response.

Did I hear you say

that you would
like to get married?

Oh, no, I was just
whacking around the bush.

What I'd really like to know

is more about weddings.

Can you help me?

Shoot.

You don't need to swear.

Maybe I'll ask somebody else
if you're really bummed out.

No, no, no, I mean, what
would you like to know?

Well, first of all,

the female who wears
the net over her head,

why does she wear white?

Well, the bride wears white

to symbolize her
innocence and purity.

Innocence and purity.

Yes, and that explains
why the groom wears black.

Well, at the wedding I was at,

there was a woman who
sat in the front row and went,

"My baby! My baby!

I'm losing my baby!
She's leaving me!"

Does she have an important job?

Yes. That, uh, that's
the bride's mother.

Oh.

The bride's mother has a
very important job, Mork.

She and her husband
pay for the whole wedding.

Oh, no wonder she was crying.

No, actually, she
helps out a lot

before the wedding, too.

She helps the bride
pick out her bride's dress

and get a blood test and,

and sometimes even
pick out the license.

Mmm. About the only
thing the mother doesn't do

is give the bride a shower.

The bride's friends do that.

Oh. Let me see.

You've given me a
lot of information here.

Let's see, first of all,
they take a wedding test,

then take license
with each other,

and finally they jump in
the shower with the bride

and hose her down.

Oh, go find Telly Savalas.

What are you doing?

Oh, I was just about
to tease my hair.

♪ Nyah-nyah, nyah-nyah ♪

♪ Nyah-nyah-nyah
nyah-nyah-nyah. ♪

Mork... Mork, I just don't know

if I'm ready to get married.

Oh, you can't go
back now, plasma.

Remember the calves' liver,

the broccoli, the dead goldfish.

Now, we've got to sit down

and have a man-
to-munchkin talk.

Do you think there's
a race problem?

Oh, no, you can outrun her easy.

Well, here are
your wedding duds.

Thanks, but you
didn't have to do that.

Hey, I'm a generous kind of guy.

Oh, here's your bride-to-be.

You go get changed
in the guest room,

and I'll let you... I'll let you
know when the time's right.

Inside here.

Bam, bam, bam, blam, uh-uh.

I'm coming!

Ha-ha, Princess
of the Munchkins!

Are you ready to be
joined in holy headlock?

Anything's better
than practicing piano.

Mindy said first of all, you
need to pass a blood test.

Well... I got a tooth
pulled last week,

and there was some blood.

Oh, you pass; let's go.

All right, here's
your wedding kit.

Inside is one
genuine wedding gown

designed by Mr. Mork
of Boulder, Colorado.

And also, what wedding

is complete without a license?

All right, Eugene

is changing in the guest room.

Now, you go change
in Mindy's room,

and when you hear
the music, come on up.

Okay.

By the way, have you
had a shower today?

No,

but the dog licked my face.

Close enough.

You may begin, Carl.

Thank you, Otto.

Hold it! You ran out of carpet.

Hey, I like your suit.

Well, it's my captain's uniform.

Let's get it in gear.

I have to study for a test.

Oh.

I realize you're
a little nervous,

but let's all try and stay
calm and collected like myself.

Sorry.

Do you take this three-headed
slimy thing to be your...

Sorry, wrong galaxy.

Here we go.

You may now join tentacles.

Oop, that's Ursa Minor.

Here we go.

Oh, that's Pluto. Sorry.

You kids will be able

to honeymoon anywhere
in the universe after this.

Here it is... here's Earth.

Buga, bugala mala
may! Bugala mala bay...

Wrong continent.

Oh, my baby, my baby!

I heard they had to get married.

Mork, I'm not knocking
your ceremony,

but we wrote our own vows,

and we'd like you to read them.

As written.

Oh.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you, Eugene, take Holly

to be the princess
of your dreams

and not make her take
baths, piano lessons,

or eat everything on her
plate before getting dessert?

I do.

Do you, Holly, take Eugene

to be your main man
and principal squeeze...

and to allow him
to wipe his mouth

on his sleeve, eat lots
of cookies and candy

and pick the celery
out of his tuna salad,

and learn about life by
watching Three's Company?

I do if he does.

He did, the energy's right,

the time is here and
the gestalt is now.

The ring, please.

I forgot it!

That's all right;
I'll pop for the ring.

Here you go.

Oh, the can's mine.

I now pronounce you man and wife

by the power invested in me

by the egg in which I came.

But first, step on the can.

Matzoh bread!

You may now kiss the bride.

Kiss?! Yuck!

No way. No way.

Guess I'll have to take some
wedding pictures instead.

Watch the flookie!

You're now man
and wife, yay-ay-ay!

Yay-ay-ay!

Mindy. Hi.

Oh, heavy vibes; what's wrong?

Mork, Eugene and
Holly didn't show up

for their music lessons today,

and nobody knows where they are.

What are you doing
in your space suit?

Oh, it's my captain's uniform.

And you don't have
to worry about the kids

because they're having the
best afternoon of their lives.

I married them this afternoon.

You what?!

You don't have to worry.

It's legal because
I'm a captain of a ship.

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

I didn't believe what I was
hearing when they told me

about the persecution
from their mothers.

That's why I did
it... To set them free

so they can build a new world
where everything will be funny.

Mork, where are they now?

Well, they're upstairs.

But don't disturb them

'cause they're having

the most wonderful
time of their lives.

They're doing everything
they couldn't do before.

They're talking with
their mouths full,

staying up late

and eating all
the little junk food

that their little married
hearts can hold.

Mork, you shouldn't
have done that.

Why not?

Well, first of all,

they're not old
enough to be married.

It's illegal.

You have to be a certain
age to get married?

Of course.

Shazbot! That was the
one question I never asked.

I bet not many ten-year-
olds voted for that law.

That's what we've
got to fight for now

because these kids
are being persecuted.

They're not being persecuted.

But they told me it was...

I don't care what they told you.

They're not being persecuted.

They're being taught, Mork.

They're being taught things
like don't play with matches,

and, and eat only foods
that are good for you.

Things that are going
to help them grow up.

Oh, I see... things like
don't sit on a sprinkler or...

don't kiss a moody
rhinoceros on the lips.

Yeah, sort of.

See, Mork, kids don't always
know what's good for them.

Oh, my stomach.

I must have eaten
too much candy.

I must have 36
Musketeers in my stomach.

No offense, Holly, but
marriage makes me sick.

Hey, you guys, why
don't you go down

and wait for me in the Jeep

and I'll take you home, okay?

I'll see you in a minute.

Okay.

I'll see you later, Mork.

Thanks for everything.

See, Mork, their own parents

never would have
let that happen.

Oh, I see.

Parents teach children
lots of valuable lessons,

like never pet a porcupine.

Never put out a
campfire with your face.

Never sit down with a
pocket full of caterpillars.

Ay. Um...

Never go skinny-dipping
in a pool full of piranhas.

Oh, never get out
of a closed window.

Never spit into a tornado!

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.

Come in Orson.

What is your report
about this week, Mork?

Oh, it's about a wonderful
Earth custom called marriage.

Marriage... what's that?

Well, it a ceremony a man
and a woman go through

when they love
each other very much

and they want to have children.

Why do they want
to have children?

Well, so they can make
them do all sorts of things

that children will hate.

So they can grow up to be
better people or even adults.

Don't the children resent that?

Well, some of the children feel

they're being treated unfairly,

and I've even heard some
say they hate their mothers.

And one, named Lizzie
Borden, took it a little too far.

Earth mothers
must be really mean.

As an Orkan, Your Immenseness,
I have my own opinion.

I'd like to share it with
you briefly for a moment.

The only thing
worse than a mother

is not having one at all.

Oh, Mork, there's something
I've been meaning to ask you.

Lay it on me, Your
Circumference.

Remember that broccoli you ate

when you were three bleems old?

Did you ever swallow it?

Oh, yes, sire,
it's all gone now.

Good. Good night, Mork.

Good night, Your Eclipse.

Na... Nanu-nanu.