Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 14 - Mork the Tolerant - full transcript
Mork goes out of his way to be nice to his grouchy new neighbor, Mr. Bickley.
Nanu-nanu.
Shazbot!
Able to leap over
tall buildings? Hah!
Anybody can do
that in zero gravity.
What's the big deal about that?
They call him Superman for that?
Oh, I'm perturbed.
I've got to write
a letter about this.
Miss Smith, take some dictation.
No way!
All right,
I'll do it myself.
Dear Superman. Ding.
I am writing you this letter
because I'm really perturbed.
Ding.
How can you call yourself a
man of steel if you wear blue tights
with the underwear
on the outside? Ding.
Everyone knows that Krypton is
the Miami Beach of the Universe.
Ding.
You're a jive turkey
in red booties.
Ding.
Love, your friend,
Mork from Ork.
Ding.
PS, Don't you sweat a lot,
wearing two suits?
Ding.
Good morning.
Oh, God bless you.
Do you know where
I can get a stamp?
Oh, sure, I think there's
some over there in the drawer.
Ah, good.
Where are you sending a letter?
Metropolis.
Well, I have to go to
work early this morning,
'cause Grandma's
not feeling well.
Shazbot!
Whoa! The mice
must be taking steroids.
It's that Bickley creep again.
You mean that nice man
that moved in downstairs?
Nice?!
Haven't you met him yet?
No, I've been too busy reading
these alien newsletters.
Well, that Bickley character
has been making
my life miserable.
While you're safe
up in your attic,
he's always
pounding on his ceiling
which happens to be
attached to my floor.
Well, you know, Mindy, one
man's ceiling is another man's floor.
That's some heavy
apartment philosophy
and you've got to remember that.
And the worst part is, I'm
not even a noisy person.
I can't stand it.
Mindy, you earthlings must
learn some more virtues,
like being more tolerant.
We have a saying on Ork,
"Tolerance is
next to cowardice."
Don't Orkans ever
have any problems
with unreasonable neighbors?
Well, one time the
planet next to us blew up,
we all complained about it,
and they never did it again.
Well, that's wonderful,
but I don't think I can wait
for his apartment to blow up.
I've been down there
three times already
and it hasn't done any good.
You just have
to learn to adjust.
How can I adjust to
constant pounding?
Oh, make it fun. Watch this.
♪ I can tell by the way
you hold your teeth ♪
♪ You're an older man
with a lot to bequeath ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ I can tell by the
way you take that pill ♪
♪ You're about to
sign your only will ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Barely alive, barely alive! ♪
Mork, I don't have happy
feet, I have angry ears
and that guy is
really bugging me.
Oh? Well, you'll just have to be
a little more acoustically
understanding.
Understanding?!
Well, why don't
you go talk to him
and see how
understanding you feel.
Listen, I got to get to work.
I'll see you later, okay?
Ciao. Bye.
No, thanks! I'll
sit this one out!
I give it about a 65, though!
It's got a good beat, but
a little hard to dance to!
Quiet up there!
I'm not a ventriloquist.
I'm out here.
Oh, interruptions,
interruptions...
Who are you?
Hello, I'm Mork. Nanu-nanu.
No, no, no, no. Get out of here.
Oh, what is it, what is it?
I'm still Mork.
I'm from upstairs.
Oh, you.
I've been wanting
to talk to you, Bigfoot.
You and your noisy girlfriend
have been driving
me out of my mind.
What a coincidence.
She says the same
thing about you.
Look, I'm trying
to work down here.
It's tough enough without you
guys tromping around up there.
I'd rather live under the
Harlem Globetrotters.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
What are these?
Those are greeting cards.
I design and illustrate
greeting cards.
What are greeting cards?
A gold mine,
that's what they are.
Every simple-minded idiot
whose mother has a birthday
can't think what to blow
his last sixty cents on.
Eh, thanks to me,
he can now send a
simple, stupid, sappy card,
filled with phony sentiment.
Oh, that sounds
fantastic! Read me one.
Yeah, you probably
would like this drivel.
"To my mother."
Ew.
"Your smile to me
is like the dawn"
Oh, gee...
"Whose coming hides the darkness
"and lifts the sorrow
from my aching heart.
"If only I could
tell you, Mother,
"what your life
has meant to mine,
"then I could die a happy man,
although it means we part."
That's beautiful.
Garbage.
How can you say that
about your own poetry?
Hey, it pays the bills.
I don't have to like it.
Oh, look.
Look at the pretty bunnies.
Yeah.
A hunter I know lets
me draw his rabbits
before he skins them.
Here's another one.
"What is a friend?"
Oh, brother...
"A person who is kind and just,
"A person full
of love and trust,
"Who knows your faults but
doesn't give a flying care...
Who, when you
call, is always there."
Yeah, I know, I know.
"A person who will e'er be true
"A person who is just like you."
Swill.
Oh, it's not only
swell, it's fantastic.
Read me another one, please.
I don't want to talk to you.
Ah, but yet you are.
See how considerate
you're being?
I'm not being considerate.
Oh, and you're modest too.
Oh, no, it's those kids again.
I can't get any work done.
Hey! Hey, kid!
Yes, you!
Now that was a terrific throw.
Let's see you do it again.
Oh-ho! Amazing!
Do you think you
can throw it to me?
Ah...
Oh-ho!
Scuzzy little yard monkey!
I really ought to
take these down
to the orphanage and sell them.
You wonderful guy, you.
What are you talking about?
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to hide it
underneath that crust,
but I know, deep down inside,
you're trying to save
that young kid's life.
If he had taken this ball,
he might have thrown
it out in the street,
then a truck would have
come along and hit him,
then he'd be in the hospital,
and all of his little friends
would have to send
him get-well cards, and...
Oh, no, you're more
than a wonderful guy,
you're a saint!
You gave up your own
business just to save
that little kid's life.
Hey, kid! Here's your ball!
My life has been miserable
ever since he moved in.
Boy, that guy
sounds like a real jerk.
Oh, he's worse than that.
I don't know how I
can go on living there.
I'll bet he'd pound
if I dropped a hint.
You know, your mother and I
moved into this apartment once,
and there was somebody next
door who was pounding on the walls
for two days straight.
Well, finally, I
had enough of it
and I went next
door to tell him off.
Well, did you?
Nah, I couldn't.
It was a guy in traction
and his nurse had died.
Oh, Dad!
That did make my day.
You want me to go
over and talk to him?
No, I can do it.
It's just that I get so mad
every time it happens.
Mm, well, you see,
that's just it, Mindy.
Sometimes you have to learn
how to handle these things
without getting mad.
Mm, that's what Mork says.
In that case, maybe I'm wrong.
Hey, babe?
Yeah?
You the chick that sold
me this album last week?
Well, we sell that album.
Do you have a receipt?
You didn't give me a receipt.
I always staple the
receipt to the bag.
You didn't give me a bag, honey.
Well, what were you gonna
do, listen to it on the way home?
I'll handle this.
Uh, what seems
to be the problem?
This chick you got working
for you is trying to rip me off.
I got no bag, I got no receipt,
and I got a defective album.
What's wrong with it?
I don't like it.
Well, you can't return an album
just because you don't like it.
Well, I wouldn't
return it if I did like it.
You know, I don't
like your attitude.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy... tolerance.
What seems to be the
energy problem here?
I got a defective album.
It's, uh, it's scratched.
Well, let's try and deal
with this in a holistic way.
Don't itch it and let it achieve
its own energy and heal itself.
I don't like your attitude.
That's because you haven't
got to know my essence yet.
Tell you what.
We'll get together,
we'll have cocktails,
and work out our karma together.
I don't want to have
cocktails with your karma.
Well, we'll get together
and have a natural
breakfast, lunch or dinner.
You know, I feel an
incredible vibration from you.
Let's share it.
Come on, now, don't be afraid.
There we go.
You're an Aries, right?
Yeah. Fantastic! I knew it!
I see an incredible
potential in you.
You know, there's an amazing
being in all the universe
that can be... and
you know what?
I see a potential for
you in show business.
I play guitar!
Fantastic!
Wow, psychic! I knew it.
Have your service
call my service,
and be here now...
If not, get there later.
Ciao!
Well, I have to admit
that was really impressive.
Well, you just have
to use kindness,
that's how I
overcame Mr. Bickley.
You went down to
see Bickley today?
Oh, yes. We're the
best of friends now.
Oh, come on!
Oh, yeah! He said
stop by again real soon.
By the way, when
does hell freeze over?
Best of friends.
Oh, yes.
But Mindy, you have to
be real considerate of him,
he's getting a little old and
you know, losing a little bit,
because he must have
asked me ten or 12 times
if I wanted to take a hike.
Well, did you ever
get around to talking
about the noise problem?
No, no, mainly we
just talked about you.
He must have been a repairman
at some time or another,
because he keeps
wanting to fix your wagon.
I bet he would, too.
Well, he's not going
to get the chance.
Oh, yes, he will.
I invited him over for
dinner, tonight at 8:00.
And I feel the energy's right,
so I'll catch you there.
The gestalt is now.
All right, let's see.
We'll bus you into
this neighborhood.
We'll put up a tenement here.
That should shock 'em.
All right, we'll move Lester
Maddox off the board.
Oh, good! By the
end of the game,
we should have the
whole place integrated.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Playing Supreme Court.
Well, not to change the subject,
but... I wish you
would check with me
before you go inviting
anyone over here.
Oh, you mean like Mr. Bickley?
Yeah, Mr. Bickley.
And Susan Taylor, and
that Russian guy, Sergei.
Well, Mindy, there's
an old Orkan saying
that applies to this.
You see, if someone
pounds on your ceiling
because they don't like
the noise you're making,
invite them over for dinner.
What a wonderful saying.
Look, Mork,
I don't want Bickley
in my apartment.
Oh, see, there's an
incredible energy right there,
because he doesn't want to
be in your apartment, either.
And you talked him into it?
Well, it wasn't very hard.
I told him you'd fix him
a nice dinner, then we'd all
get together, we'd talk for...
Wait a minute!
I'll fix him dinner?!
Wow, déjà vu.
Uh-uh, you got that one wrong.
You invited him over,
so you fix him dinner.
Oh, I get it.
I'll make my bed, so
I've got to hang from it.
You got it.
But I don't even
know how to cook.
I've never even
met Julia Childs.
Well, Mork, there's an old
saying on Earth: Fake it.
Oh.
Impending culinary doom.
So, what are we
having for dinner tonight?
Check. Ha-ha!
Check? We haven't even eaten.
Just a little off
the side... top...
Come in, Mr. Bickley!
How did you know it was me?
I'd know your pounding anywhere.
I brought you two a gift...
A bottle of bourbon.
Oh, how nice. Well, thank you.
That's okay.
I always swipe a couple
of these when I fly.
Oh, look, little
munchkin bourbon.
I think I'd like a drink.
Oh, sure, what'll you have?
Bourbon.
Uh, this is all we have.
Well, you couldn't
pickle a cricket in that.
Well, I'm sorry, but we have
nothing stronger
than wine in the house.
What about that 20-year-old
scotch your father...?
Mork! Shh! That's
for a special occasion.
Forget it. I hate Scotch.
It's disgusting and putrid.
Speaking of
disgusting and putrid,
my salad's burning.
His salad is burning?
Mork has a lot
of exotic recipes.
Oh, you kids sit down.
We'll start off with
the appetizers.
We'll begin with a
little Maalox au gratin.
A little cheese
for the three of us.
A little fromage à trois.
Maalox...
You can sit over there...
Maalox? Oh!
All I have here
are three knives!
I have four.
I'm sorry, I forgot
the soup forks.
Soup forks?
Bonjour, Madame et Monsieur.
Welcome to Chez Mork.
Tonight's specialty
was going to be
the chicken in butter sauce,
but that slippery
sucker got away.
Monsieur, would you
like to see the wine list?
Yes.
Là-bas.
For you, smell the cap.
Ah, a very good week.
Monsieur, with this
wine and a doorway,
you'll have a fantastic weekend.
Now, Monsieur, for you,
the specialty of the day.
There we are, là-bas.
For you, here we are. Okay...
What's this supposed to be?
Le peas frozen.
You said you're always
asking for "peas and quiet."
But seriously, nice
to have you here.
I'll be right back.
I'll tell the chef you're here.
Yo, Al, we got people here!
Start cooking, sucker!
These are delicious!
What? They're not even cooked!
Well, at least this way
they don't lose any
of their vitamins.
I think maybe I will
have some of that scotch.
Oh, okay.
That's a very good
idea, Monsieur.
You won't spoil your
appetite that way.
Now, for the secondary
course for you...
Le poomph!
What is...
what's this... mess?
Oh, en français, le
soupe, en anglais, soup.
Actually, it's a gestalt gumbo.
You see the little
tiny live shrimp?
I couldn't bring
myself to kill them
once I looked in their eyes.
I'm sorry, Monsieur.
Things aren't going too well.
I'll get the busboy to
clean up the excess.
But first, a little
entertainment for you.
Carl... Carl, quickly, come!
♪ Feelings ♪
♪ Nothing more than... ♪
I'm sorry, Monsieur.
He's not worked since
The Wizard of Oz.
We had to give him a chance.
Mm-mm! It's like a soup
and sandwich, all in one.
Oh, I get it.
You two are doing
this so I'll leave.
Oh, no, no.
Mork is honestly trying
to cook you a good dinner.
But...
And now, Monsieur,
for the spécialité
de l'apartement...
le soufflé!
Whoa, cool it!
It's ready now.
I need more scotch.
Mork, are you sure
you followed the recipe?
Well, it called
for beating eggs,
and I couldn't bring
myself to do that.
That settles it.
I can't take any more of this.
But you haven't taken any of it.
Let's just say I'm
not hungry right now.
Oh, that's all right, we'll
put it in a doggy bag.
But for you, a grouch pouch.
Mr. Bickley, this is the first
time Mork has ever cooked.
Really? I never
would have guessed.
Look, Mork's
dinner wasn't great,
but at least he tried.
He shouldn't have.
You know, you should
be more tolerant of people.
Now, we've had to put up
with a lot from you lately.
Like what?
Like what?!
Like your constant
pounding and your rudeness.
You have been making
my life miserable.
I just complain a
little. It's not that bad.
It's terrible! Do you
know that you're
the worst neighbor
I've ever had?
Isn't it wonderful?
You're the top of your field.
Really? I'm that bad?
Well, let's just say if the
Marquis de Sade were still alive,
you'd come in a close second.
But, here's your
consolation prize...
Your snack sack.
If I'm so unlikable, why
are you always nice to me?
Well, I believe the
meaner a person is,
the nicer you should be.
That's why I'm treating you
like an emperor.
It's easy for you to be nice.
You've got each other.
I hear you laughing up here,
and I'm down there all alone.
Well, if you treated people
with a little kindness and respect,
I'm sure you'd
have lots of friends.
Be reasonable, Mindy.
Not lots; a few, maybe.
I don't mind not having friends.
I just wish I had
someone to come home to.
You know, someone who needed me.
Someone who cared for me.
Someone...
Aw, I better say good night.
I'm beginning to sound like
one of my own greeting cards.
There goes one sad earthling.
Boy, that's for sure.
What can we do to help?
I don't think there's
anything we can do.
People just don't want
to be around that man.
We can hire someone.
No. It doesn't
work like that, Mork.
There's an... there's
an old Earth saying that,
"There's one thing
money can't buy, it's love."
By the way, thanks
for the dinner.
It stunk.
Oh... interruptions,
interruptions.
Who is it?
Mindy McConnell from upstairs.
Oh, what do you want?
Hi. Can I come in?
That depends.
You intend talking to me?
Well, yeah...
In that case, no.
Mr. Bickley, are you...
are you embarrassed
about last night?
Why should I be embarrassed?
You're the one who
tried to poison me.
You know what I'm talking about.
The things that you
said about being lonely.
You believe that junk?
I always talk that way
after a couple of scotches.
As a matter of fact,
I did believe it, and that's
why I baked you this cake.
I want us to be friends.
There's icing on it.
Right.
I hate cake with icing.
Do you know why I
hate winter in Colorado?
The Rockies look like
they're covered with icing.
Mr. Bickley, how can you
possibly stand here and...?
Aw, probably some
kids trying to sell me
cookies with icing on them.
Hiya, Bickey.
That's Bickley!
Oh, that's my friendly
nickname for you.
Oh, why me?
Mork, where have
you been all morning?
Out to disprove an
old Earth saying. Look.
I sprung him
from an animal jail.
He was in for
assaulting a fire hydrant.
Oh, great.
Now I'll have to listen
to howling and
barking all the time.
Oh, no, you won't, because he
sings and dances. Watch this.
♪ Camptown races, sing
this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! ♪
And he al... and he
also sings the blues.
♪ Georgia, Georgia... ♪
He's for you...
because I don't want
you to be lonely anymore.
You mean... why, that's...
that's the nicest thing
anybody ever did for me.
Buying me a stupid dog.
Oh, Mork!
That was a wonderful
thing you did.
What did you mean about
disproving an old Earth saying?
Well, that money can buy
love. Even if it's only puppy love.
I'll call him... Bickey.
Sing, damn you.
Sing... You can do it.
♪ Camptown races,
sing this song... ♪
Pick up the beat. Sing!
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, Laser Breath.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
What are you doing, Mork?
Acting superhero-ish.
Funny, you don't
look superhero-ish.
Let's hear your report.
Did you meet any interesting
earthlings this week?
Well, this week,
I met an earthling
who makes greeting cards.
Those are what humans
send to people who are sick.
Why don't they
just send a doctor,
like we do on Ork?
Oh, no, sir.
You see, doctors
are worshipped here.
They don't come to see you.
You go to see them.
And they also live in luxury
hotels called hospitals.
These hospitals
are so overcrowded,
the humans have devised a
strange and unusual custom
of gaining admittance.
Like what?
One's called "skiing."
They climb to the top of a
huge mountain of sky flakes.
When they get there,
they strap two pieces
of wood to their feet,
and then they slide down.
And if they're
lucky, they hit a tree,
and they gain
admittance to a hospital.
That sounds like a lot of work.
Oh, that's nothing.
You should see how they gain
admittance to a mortuary.
Well, see you next week.
Ten-four, huge buddy.
Nanu-nanu.
Shazbot!
Able to leap over
tall buildings? Hah!
Anybody can do
that in zero gravity.
What's the big deal about that?
They call him Superman for that?
Oh, I'm perturbed.
I've got to write
a letter about this.
Miss Smith, take some dictation.
No way!
All right,
I'll do it myself.
Dear Superman. Ding.
I am writing you this letter
because I'm really perturbed.
Ding.
How can you call yourself a
man of steel if you wear blue tights
with the underwear
on the outside? Ding.
Everyone knows that Krypton is
the Miami Beach of the Universe.
Ding.
You're a jive turkey
in red booties.
Ding.
Love, your friend,
Mork from Ork.
Ding.
PS, Don't you sweat a lot,
wearing two suits?
Ding.
Good morning.
Oh, God bless you.
Do you know where
I can get a stamp?
Oh, sure, I think there's
some over there in the drawer.
Ah, good.
Where are you sending a letter?
Metropolis.
Well, I have to go to
work early this morning,
'cause Grandma's
not feeling well.
Shazbot!
Whoa! The mice
must be taking steroids.
It's that Bickley creep again.
You mean that nice man
that moved in downstairs?
Nice?!
Haven't you met him yet?
No, I've been too busy reading
these alien newsletters.
Well, that Bickley character
has been making
my life miserable.
While you're safe
up in your attic,
he's always
pounding on his ceiling
which happens to be
attached to my floor.
Well, you know, Mindy, one
man's ceiling is another man's floor.
That's some heavy
apartment philosophy
and you've got to remember that.
And the worst part is, I'm
not even a noisy person.
I can't stand it.
Mindy, you earthlings must
learn some more virtues,
like being more tolerant.
We have a saying on Ork,
"Tolerance is
next to cowardice."
Don't Orkans ever
have any problems
with unreasonable neighbors?
Well, one time the
planet next to us blew up,
we all complained about it,
and they never did it again.
Well, that's wonderful,
but I don't think I can wait
for his apartment to blow up.
I've been down there
three times already
and it hasn't done any good.
You just have
to learn to adjust.
How can I adjust to
constant pounding?
Oh, make it fun. Watch this.
♪ I can tell by the way
you hold your teeth ♪
♪ You're an older man
with a lot to bequeath ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ I can tell by the
way you take that pill ♪
♪ You're about to
sign your only will ♪
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Barely alive, barely alive! ♪
Mork, I don't have happy
feet, I have angry ears
and that guy is
really bugging me.
Oh? Well, you'll just have to be
a little more acoustically
understanding.
Understanding?!
Well, why don't
you go talk to him
and see how
understanding you feel.
Listen, I got to get to work.
I'll see you later, okay?
Ciao. Bye.
No, thanks! I'll
sit this one out!
I give it about a 65, though!
It's got a good beat, but
a little hard to dance to!
Quiet up there!
I'm not a ventriloquist.
I'm out here.
Oh, interruptions,
interruptions...
Who are you?
Hello, I'm Mork. Nanu-nanu.
No, no, no, no. Get out of here.
Oh, what is it, what is it?
I'm still Mork.
I'm from upstairs.
Oh, you.
I've been wanting
to talk to you, Bigfoot.
You and your noisy girlfriend
have been driving
me out of my mind.
What a coincidence.
She says the same
thing about you.
Look, I'm trying
to work down here.
It's tough enough without you
guys tromping around up there.
I'd rather live under the
Harlem Globetrotters.
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.
What are these?
Those are greeting cards.
I design and illustrate
greeting cards.
What are greeting cards?
A gold mine,
that's what they are.
Every simple-minded idiot
whose mother has a birthday
can't think what to blow
his last sixty cents on.
Eh, thanks to me,
he can now send a
simple, stupid, sappy card,
filled with phony sentiment.
Oh, that sounds
fantastic! Read me one.
Yeah, you probably
would like this drivel.
"To my mother."
Ew.
"Your smile to me
is like the dawn"
Oh, gee...
"Whose coming hides the darkness
"and lifts the sorrow
from my aching heart.
"If only I could
tell you, Mother,
"what your life
has meant to mine,
"then I could die a happy man,
although it means we part."
That's beautiful.
Garbage.
How can you say that
about your own poetry?
Hey, it pays the bills.
I don't have to like it.
Oh, look.
Look at the pretty bunnies.
Yeah.
A hunter I know lets
me draw his rabbits
before he skins them.
Here's another one.
"What is a friend?"
Oh, brother...
"A person who is kind and just,
"A person full
of love and trust,
"Who knows your faults but
doesn't give a flying care...
Who, when you
call, is always there."
Yeah, I know, I know.
"A person who will e'er be true
"A person who is just like you."
Swill.
Oh, it's not only
swell, it's fantastic.
Read me another one, please.
I don't want to talk to you.
Ah, but yet you are.
See how considerate
you're being?
I'm not being considerate.
Oh, and you're modest too.
Oh, no, it's those kids again.
I can't get any work done.
Hey! Hey, kid!
Yes, you!
Now that was a terrific throw.
Let's see you do it again.
Oh-ho! Amazing!
Do you think you
can throw it to me?
Ah...
Oh-ho!
Scuzzy little yard monkey!
I really ought to
take these down
to the orphanage and sell them.
You wonderful guy, you.
What are you talking about?
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to hide it
underneath that crust,
but I know, deep down inside,
you're trying to save
that young kid's life.
If he had taken this ball,
he might have thrown
it out in the street,
then a truck would have
come along and hit him,
then he'd be in the hospital,
and all of his little friends
would have to send
him get-well cards, and...
Oh, no, you're more
than a wonderful guy,
you're a saint!
You gave up your own
business just to save
that little kid's life.
Hey, kid! Here's your ball!
My life has been miserable
ever since he moved in.
Boy, that guy
sounds like a real jerk.
Oh, he's worse than that.
I don't know how I
can go on living there.
I'll bet he'd pound
if I dropped a hint.
You know, your mother and I
moved into this apartment once,
and there was somebody next
door who was pounding on the walls
for two days straight.
Well, finally, I
had enough of it
and I went next
door to tell him off.
Well, did you?
Nah, I couldn't.
It was a guy in traction
and his nurse had died.
Oh, Dad!
That did make my day.
You want me to go
over and talk to him?
No, I can do it.
It's just that I get so mad
every time it happens.
Mm, well, you see,
that's just it, Mindy.
Sometimes you have to learn
how to handle these things
without getting mad.
Mm, that's what Mork says.
In that case, maybe I'm wrong.
Hey, babe?
Yeah?
You the chick that sold
me this album last week?
Well, we sell that album.
Do you have a receipt?
You didn't give me a receipt.
I always staple the
receipt to the bag.
You didn't give me a bag, honey.
Well, what were you gonna
do, listen to it on the way home?
I'll handle this.
Uh, what seems
to be the problem?
This chick you got working
for you is trying to rip me off.
I got no bag, I got no receipt,
and I got a defective album.
What's wrong with it?
I don't like it.
Well, you can't return an album
just because you don't like it.
Well, I wouldn't
return it if I did like it.
You know, I don't
like your attitude.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy,
Mindy... tolerance.
What seems to be the
energy problem here?
I got a defective album.
It's, uh, it's scratched.
Well, let's try and deal
with this in a holistic way.
Don't itch it and let it achieve
its own energy and heal itself.
I don't like your attitude.
That's because you haven't
got to know my essence yet.
Tell you what.
We'll get together,
we'll have cocktails,
and work out our karma together.
I don't want to have
cocktails with your karma.
Well, we'll get together
and have a natural
breakfast, lunch or dinner.
You know, I feel an
incredible vibration from you.
Let's share it.
Come on, now, don't be afraid.
There we go.
You're an Aries, right?
Yeah. Fantastic! I knew it!
I see an incredible
potential in you.
You know, there's an amazing
being in all the universe
that can be... and
you know what?
I see a potential for
you in show business.
I play guitar!
Fantastic!
Wow, psychic! I knew it.
Have your service
call my service,
and be here now...
If not, get there later.
Ciao!
Well, I have to admit
that was really impressive.
Well, you just have
to use kindness,
that's how I
overcame Mr. Bickley.
You went down to
see Bickley today?
Oh, yes. We're the
best of friends now.
Oh, come on!
Oh, yeah! He said
stop by again real soon.
By the way, when
does hell freeze over?
Best of friends.
Oh, yes.
But Mindy, you have to
be real considerate of him,
he's getting a little old and
you know, losing a little bit,
because he must have
asked me ten or 12 times
if I wanted to take a hike.
Well, did you ever
get around to talking
about the noise problem?
No, no, mainly we
just talked about you.
He must have been a repairman
at some time or another,
because he keeps
wanting to fix your wagon.
I bet he would, too.
Well, he's not going
to get the chance.
Oh, yes, he will.
I invited him over for
dinner, tonight at 8:00.
And I feel the energy's right,
so I'll catch you there.
The gestalt is now.
All right, let's see.
We'll bus you into
this neighborhood.
We'll put up a tenement here.
That should shock 'em.
All right, we'll move Lester
Maddox off the board.
Oh, good! By the
end of the game,
we should have the
whole place integrated.
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
Playing Supreme Court.
Well, not to change the subject,
but... I wish you
would check with me
before you go inviting
anyone over here.
Oh, you mean like Mr. Bickley?
Yeah, Mr. Bickley.
And Susan Taylor, and
that Russian guy, Sergei.
Well, Mindy, there's
an old Orkan saying
that applies to this.
You see, if someone
pounds on your ceiling
because they don't like
the noise you're making,
invite them over for dinner.
What a wonderful saying.
Look, Mork,
I don't want Bickley
in my apartment.
Oh, see, there's an
incredible energy right there,
because he doesn't want to
be in your apartment, either.
And you talked him into it?
Well, it wasn't very hard.
I told him you'd fix him
a nice dinner, then we'd all
get together, we'd talk for...
Wait a minute!
I'll fix him dinner?!
Wow, déjà vu.
Uh-uh, you got that one wrong.
You invited him over,
so you fix him dinner.
Oh, I get it.
I'll make my bed, so
I've got to hang from it.
You got it.
But I don't even
know how to cook.
I've never even
met Julia Childs.
Well, Mork, there's an old
saying on Earth: Fake it.
Oh.
Impending culinary doom.
So, what are we
having for dinner tonight?
Check. Ha-ha!
Check? We haven't even eaten.
Just a little off
the side... top...
Come in, Mr. Bickley!
How did you know it was me?
I'd know your pounding anywhere.
I brought you two a gift...
A bottle of bourbon.
Oh, how nice. Well, thank you.
That's okay.
I always swipe a couple
of these when I fly.
Oh, look, little
munchkin bourbon.
I think I'd like a drink.
Oh, sure, what'll you have?
Bourbon.
Uh, this is all we have.
Well, you couldn't
pickle a cricket in that.
Well, I'm sorry, but we have
nothing stronger
than wine in the house.
What about that 20-year-old
scotch your father...?
Mork! Shh! That's
for a special occasion.
Forget it. I hate Scotch.
It's disgusting and putrid.
Speaking of
disgusting and putrid,
my salad's burning.
His salad is burning?
Mork has a lot
of exotic recipes.
Oh, you kids sit down.
We'll start off with
the appetizers.
We'll begin with a
little Maalox au gratin.
A little cheese
for the three of us.
A little fromage à trois.
Maalox...
You can sit over there...
Maalox? Oh!
All I have here
are three knives!
I have four.
I'm sorry, I forgot
the soup forks.
Soup forks?
Bonjour, Madame et Monsieur.
Welcome to Chez Mork.
Tonight's specialty
was going to be
the chicken in butter sauce,
but that slippery
sucker got away.
Monsieur, would you
like to see the wine list?
Yes.
Là-bas.
For you, smell the cap.
Ah, a very good week.
Monsieur, with this
wine and a doorway,
you'll have a fantastic weekend.
Now, Monsieur, for you,
the specialty of the day.
There we are, là-bas.
For you, here we are. Okay...
What's this supposed to be?
Le peas frozen.
You said you're always
asking for "peas and quiet."
But seriously, nice
to have you here.
I'll be right back.
I'll tell the chef you're here.
Yo, Al, we got people here!
Start cooking, sucker!
These are delicious!
What? They're not even cooked!
Well, at least this way
they don't lose any
of their vitamins.
I think maybe I will
have some of that scotch.
Oh, okay.
That's a very good
idea, Monsieur.
You won't spoil your
appetite that way.
Now, for the secondary
course for you...
Le poomph!
What is...
what's this... mess?
Oh, en français, le
soupe, en anglais, soup.
Actually, it's a gestalt gumbo.
You see the little
tiny live shrimp?
I couldn't bring
myself to kill them
once I looked in their eyes.
I'm sorry, Monsieur.
Things aren't going too well.
I'll get the busboy to
clean up the excess.
But first, a little
entertainment for you.
Carl... Carl, quickly, come!
♪ Feelings ♪
♪ Nothing more than... ♪
I'm sorry, Monsieur.
He's not worked since
The Wizard of Oz.
We had to give him a chance.
Mm-mm! It's like a soup
and sandwich, all in one.
Oh, I get it.
You two are doing
this so I'll leave.
Oh, no, no.
Mork is honestly trying
to cook you a good dinner.
But...
And now, Monsieur,
for the spécialité
de l'apartement...
le soufflé!
Whoa, cool it!
It's ready now.
I need more scotch.
Mork, are you sure
you followed the recipe?
Well, it called
for beating eggs,
and I couldn't bring
myself to do that.
That settles it.
I can't take any more of this.
But you haven't taken any of it.
Let's just say I'm
not hungry right now.
Oh, that's all right, we'll
put it in a doggy bag.
But for you, a grouch pouch.
Mr. Bickley, this is the first
time Mork has ever cooked.
Really? I never
would have guessed.
Look, Mork's
dinner wasn't great,
but at least he tried.
He shouldn't have.
You know, you should
be more tolerant of people.
Now, we've had to put up
with a lot from you lately.
Like what?
Like what?!
Like your constant
pounding and your rudeness.
You have been making
my life miserable.
I just complain a
little. It's not that bad.
It's terrible! Do you
know that you're
the worst neighbor
I've ever had?
Isn't it wonderful?
You're the top of your field.
Really? I'm that bad?
Well, let's just say if the
Marquis de Sade were still alive,
you'd come in a close second.
But, here's your
consolation prize...
Your snack sack.
If I'm so unlikable, why
are you always nice to me?
Well, I believe the
meaner a person is,
the nicer you should be.
That's why I'm treating you
like an emperor.
It's easy for you to be nice.
You've got each other.
I hear you laughing up here,
and I'm down there all alone.
Well, if you treated people
with a little kindness and respect,
I'm sure you'd
have lots of friends.
Be reasonable, Mindy.
Not lots; a few, maybe.
I don't mind not having friends.
I just wish I had
someone to come home to.
You know, someone who needed me.
Someone who cared for me.
Someone...
Aw, I better say good night.
I'm beginning to sound like
one of my own greeting cards.
There goes one sad earthling.
Boy, that's for sure.
What can we do to help?
I don't think there's
anything we can do.
People just don't want
to be around that man.
We can hire someone.
No. It doesn't
work like that, Mork.
There's an... there's
an old Earth saying that,
"There's one thing
money can't buy, it's love."
By the way, thanks
for the dinner.
It stunk.
Oh... interruptions,
interruptions.
Who is it?
Mindy McConnell from upstairs.
Oh, what do you want?
Hi. Can I come in?
That depends.
You intend talking to me?
Well, yeah...
In that case, no.
Mr. Bickley, are you...
are you embarrassed
about last night?
Why should I be embarrassed?
You're the one who
tried to poison me.
You know what I'm talking about.
The things that you
said about being lonely.
You believe that junk?
I always talk that way
after a couple of scotches.
As a matter of fact,
I did believe it, and that's
why I baked you this cake.
I want us to be friends.
There's icing on it.
Right.
I hate cake with icing.
Do you know why I
hate winter in Colorado?
The Rockies look like
they're covered with icing.
Mr. Bickley, how can you
possibly stand here and...?
Aw, probably some
kids trying to sell me
cookies with icing on them.
Hiya, Bickey.
That's Bickley!
Oh, that's my friendly
nickname for you.
Oh, why me?
Mork, where have
you been all morning?
Out to disprove an
old Earth saying. Look.
I sprung him
from an animal jail.
He was in for
assaulting a fire hydrant.
Oh, great.
Now I'll have to listen
to howling and
barking all the time.
Oh, no, you won't, because he
sings and dances. Watch this.
♪ Camptown races, sing
this song, doo-dah, doo-dah! ♪
And he al... and he
also sings the blues.
♪ Georgia, Georgia... ♪
He's for you...
because I don't want
you to be lonely anymore.
You mean... why, that's...
that's the nicest thing
anybody ever did for me.
Buying me a stupid dog.
Oh, Mork!
That was a wonderful
thing you did.
What did you mean about
disproving an old Earth saying?
Well, that money can buy
love. Even if it's only puppy love.
I'll call him... Bickey.
Sing, damn you.
Sing... You can do it.
♪ Camptown races,
sing this song... ♪
Pick up the beat. Sing!
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Hey, Laser Breath.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
What are you doing, Mork?
Acting superhero-ish.
Funny, you don't
look superhero-ish.
Let's hear your report.
Did you meet any interesting
earthlings this week?
Well, this week,
I met an earthling
who makes greeting cards.
Those are what humans
send to people who are sick.
Why don't they
just send a doctor,
like we do on Ork?
Oh, no, sir.
You see, doctors
are worshipped here.
They don't come to see you.
You go to see them.
And they also live in luxury
hotels called hospitals.
These hospitals
are so overcrowded,
the humans have devised a
strange and unusual custom
of gaining admittance.
Like what?
One's called "skiing."
They climb to the top of a
huge mountain of sky flakes.
When they get there,
they strap two pieces
of wood to their feet,
and then they slide down.
And if they're
lucky, they hit a tree,
and they gain
admittance to a hospital.
That sounds like a lot of work.
Oh, that's nothing.
You should see how they gain
admittance to a mortuary.
Well, see you next week.
Ten-four, huge buddy.
Nanu-nanu.