Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 13 - Mork and the Immigrant - full transcript

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot.

Welcome, friends,
to the temple of suds.

If you're ready now,
throw down your forks

and come forward and
have your soul cleansed

in the Joy to come.

I've got some good
news and some bad news.

First, the bad news.

This sucker's hot.

But now the good news.

Tonight we'll be
having a jacuzzi.



Yea, yow...

Yea, yea.

Every single time.

Oh, man.

Mindy, why are you
mad at your coat?

Because my watch stopped.

Ah, and you suspect
your coat? No.

My watch stopped
and I got a ticket.

Oh, on Ork when
our watch stopped

we only get a warning

and they take away
Mickey's hands.

See, I was parked in this
no-parking-after-6:00 zone

with my jeep and I got back late

because of this stupid watch.



I got a $15 ticket.

Oh, that doesn't
sound fair. It's not.

Then don't pay the ticket.

We're with ya. Right on, mama.

I've got to, it's the law.

Who made that law?

I don't know, the town
council or something.

Who said they could do it?

The people that
voted them into office.

What people?

You know, the
people of Boulder...

Dad, Grandma, me, you know.

Boy, that's stupid, you
voted to give yourself a ticket.

Yeah, I guess
indirectly I did, didn't I?

See, in a democracy,
everybody votes

and then the majority wins.

Oh, I vote we
adopt Dolly Parton.

Do I win?

No, with two people,
you can't have a winner.

Oh, sounds like
democracy will never replace

bobbing for French fries.

Look, Mork,

I'm not an authority
on these things.

If you have questions,
you really should go out

and ask other people
and get other opinions.

May I ask you just one
more question? Sure.

Why didn't I win with one vote?

Well, that's because you need
at least three people to vote.

That way you've always got
somebody to break the tie.

What if someone votes twice?

No, in a democracy
you can only vote once.

What a primitive system.

On Ork, we have a much
more sophisticated way.

If somebody wants to
be President, we just say,

"Sure, go ahead, it's cool."

Grandma! Pops!

Still no luck, eh?

No.

Mindy, I finished
my observations

of the migration of the
North American wino,

which was easy because
he didn't move very far.

I can take you home now.

Oh, Mork, I can't.

Susan Taylor invited
me by her shop.

She's gonna have a
makeup demonstration.

And she wants
me to be the model.

Oh, like the ones in Playboy.

Hi, my name is Candy.

My hobbies are body
surfing and neutron physics

and I hope to one day know
the entire Los Angeles Rams.

Not exactly.

She's only working
from the chin up.

Oh. Anyway, I'm
gonna get a new face.

A new face.

Well, can I have your old one?

Listen, I'll see
you at home later.

Ciao. Bye, everybody.

One... two...

We can play democracy.
Come on, everybody's doing it.

Do the vote!

We've got three of us.
We can vote on something.

But we have nothing to vote on.

Well, we can vote
to adjourn then.

All in favor, say "ear."

That's "aye."

Oh. Well, that's
two. That's a majority.

We win. Let's pack it in.

I don't want to play.

Oh, come on, we'll
let you vote first.

We have enough to
break your majority.

Republican.

Want to have some fun?

You can file these
classical albums.

I'll be in back if you need me.

Well, let's see, albums
would be under "A."

That was easy, but not fun.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
you don't understand.

We don't fix cellos
here, we sell 'em.

This is a music store.

Da, you keep cello.

Look, I know where
you can get it fixed.

What's wrong with it?

Nothing. That's why I
think you could handle job.

Well, look, if you
change your mind,

here's the address
of the repair shop...

and good luck.

Oh, very much, thank you.

You're welcome.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh, you speak English!

You speak lousy.

Is because I'm not
from here around.

I am from very far away.

I am alien.

Leapin' lizards, so am I!

Mork from Ork. Nanu-nanu.

Sergei from Slavisgrad.

Slavisgrad. Is that
near Alpha Centuri?

No.

Ork, is that near Minsk?

No, you got me
by the shorts there.

Unless that's the
one with eight moons.

Well, where are you living now?

I do not yet find place to live.

That's why I leave cello here.

Sleeping in park is okay for me,

but not for cello. I
know what it's like.

It was pretty hard for me
when I blew into town, too.

Do you have to make reports
of what you observe here?

Spy? No, I am
magician and student.

I play in the sympathy.

But I don't get first
paycheck for couple weeks.

Oh, you're lucky.

I have to report back to
this fat dude named Orson.

He's the one that
made me come here.

Oh, no one make Sergei
Krushnev come here.

I wanted to be part
of this democracy, ja.

You know about democracy?

Oh, ya, I study this, mm-hmm.

Mindy and I are
forming a democracy.

Leaping lizards. No faking?

Yes.

And you could be a
third so we can vote

and I can ask you questions.

You can come and live with us.

Oh, I don't want trouble on you.

Oh, no trouble, no trouble.

Mindy'll be happy when
she finds out about this.

Who is this Mindy?

Oh, she's the girl I live with.

Are you married?

No, but don't bother
about it. Neither is she.

Oh.

Well, what do you think?

Holy Moley.

Such beautiful apartment.

You must have big
bucks, huh, Mork?

Bet you are American
rock star, huh?

Hey, do you, do you have
many pairs of Levis? Ja?

Listen, do you, do you
know the Beach Boys?

How 'bout Chuck Berry?

Hey... ♪ Long
distance information ♪

♪ Give me Memphis,
Tennessee ♪ Hey!

Oh. Who's your friend?

Mindy McConnell,
meet Sergei Krushnev.

Mindy, Sergei, Mind, Serg,

Mi, Se, Mm, Ss.

Nanu-nanu.

Oh, I see you've spent
some time with Mork here.

Oh, yes, he show
me so many things

about your customs, you know?

Sergei,

Sergei, lighten up.

So, what do you think?

How do you like my new face?

Oh, boy, what great country.

You don't like face,
you get new one. Ha.

Same face, new paint job.

Yeah, I knew it'd
knock your socks off.

So, what do you do?

Oh, I am student and
cello player, mm-hmm.

Oh.

Sergei's going to be
part of our democracy.

Oh, that's great.

Listen, you're going to
love living in this country.

No, I mean our democracy.

Sergei's gonna be our
third, so we can vote.

He's gonna live with us.

Ja.

Can I talk to you for a moment?

I think we should vote on that.

I vote no, what do
you think, Sergei?

I'm with you, Mork.

Two to one, you lose.

I want to talk to you.

We just voted on that.

Now...

Oh, that's a different story.

Please to excuse me,

where may I find
laboratory please for me?

Oh. You mean the restroom.

It's right through there.

Oh, a bed!

I never saw a restroom
where you could really rest.

Boy, this America,
really out of state.

What have you done?

I got us a third for democracy.

You just can't invite
anyone to come live here.

I know that. We'll vote on it.

Oh, no, we won't.

I pay the rent and
I say he can't stay.

Oh, I see. The one with
the money controls the votes.

That's not it.

Mindy, you don't understand.

You see, Sergei's
sleeping outside on a bench

and he's got a violin
with a gland condition.

Well, Mork, you can't
just go and... Mindy,

I don't think our
democracy's working too well.

Let's have a dictatorship
instead, okay?

I'll be the tyrant and
you'll be the peon.

Huh? Huh? Can I be the tyrant?

Huh? Can I be the
tyrant? Come on, now.

Yeah, this is wonderful country.

In Russia, I have to
sleep with 11 brothers,

but tonight, three in one bed.

Is too much, I tell you.

What are you doing down
here in your pajamas?

Well, I slept in the guest room

so Sergei could
have the penthouse.

Can I talk to you for a
minute about Sergei?

♪ You asked for it, you got it ♪

♪ I'm listening. ♪

Look, Mork.

Sergei seems like a
nice guy, but you just...

you just can't go inviting
your friends to live here.

Well, you told me to go out
and ask people questions.

Not questions like, "Do you want
to come home and live with me?"

Oh, I get it.

You feel left out.

Well, you can ask one
of your friends home.

Then there'll be four of
us. But then it wouldn't work.

I guess democracy only
works with odd numbers.

That's not the point.

He's a stranger.

But I was a stranger and
you brought me home.

Yeah, you're even stranger now.

Anyway,

that was a special case.
You really needed help.

Well, Sergei needs our help.

You're right. Yes, he does.

And you can help
him find an apartment.

Show him around Boulder.

Make him feel like he belongs.

Oh, be sort of an
extraterrestrial welcome wagon.

Yeah.

I'll take some money
out of my savings account

and lend it to Sergei
until he gets on his feet

and then he can pay me
back whenever he can.

Oh, you know something,
Mindy? You're a real wurble.

Thanks...

I think.

Anyway, if you
have any problems,

you can reach me
at the store. Okay?

Kay-o. There won't
be any problem.

We're like two
fish out of water.

Yes, you are.
I'll see you later.

Come and get it 'fore
I slop it to the hogs!

♪ Rocky Mountain High ♪

♪ Cincinnati ♪

Oh, is time for vittles, ha-ha.

Howdy, partner.

You like cowboy movies, too?

Oh, yes.

Where I come from we
love all American movies.

Have seen Citizen Kane,

When the Wind is Leaving,

In Front of on the Water,

uh, but, but my favorite
is this Lonesome Ranger.

I would give anything
to meet Mr. Ranger.

Ah, look, Kemo sabe,

something strange,
buckboard on its back.

Ay, Tonto, you're right.

500 people tied
up with dental floss.

Help me, Masked Man.

Help me, Lone Ranger.

Where'd you get that ugly Injun?

Why did they not
gag that meshugena?

Behind you! Varmints. Look!

I don't have to show
you no stinkin' varmints!

Well, that shows
them, Tonto. Onward.

Who was that masked man?

He stole my teeth.

I need them for the bullets.

Hi-ho, Silver!

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa, Big Fella.

Whoa, Big Fella, there.

Sorry about that, Big Fella.

You should be TV star.

Oh, no, too much pressure
and you have to get up too early.

Oh, everything going
so wonderful for me.

I have new friend,
place to live...

Uh, Sergei, I have to
talk to you about that.

You see, Mindy says we
only have room enough for two

and we have to find
you a place of your own.

My own?

You mean I can
live alone if I want to?

Sure, why not?

Well, where I come
from, no one lives alone.

Sharing a room with 60
people is solitary confinement.

Must be a long
line for the shower.

Shower.

Oh, so many things to learn.

So many new
experiences for me...

disco dancing, dirt bikes,

uh, burritos,
registering as an alien...

You have to
register as an alien?

Oh, all aliens must
do so by January.

I didn't know there
were that many of us.

Oh, is thousands,
maybe millions.

Whew, then it's no
big deal being an alien.

Is big deal if you
don't register.

It is the law, you must.

Wonder why Mindy
didn't tell me that.

Is she alien?

No, Caucasian.

Well, then she wouldn't know.

It is big law, you must do this.

Do you think they'll
kick me off the planet?

Oh, I don't know if
they would go that far.

But they could arrest you.

I'm not supposed
to get in trouble.

Orson'll be really T.O.'d.

I saw two men get picked up

by the immigration authorities.

They were aliens without
proper identification.

Where do I get
proper identification?

Immigration Bureau.

Well, I better go to the...

Immigration Bureau.

I'll leave Mindy a note.

Do you know where it is?

No, I haven't written it yet.

Are these people all aliens?

Well, they must
be... They're here.

Excuse me, are you
from Romny Five?

Ah.

No second nose... I guess not.

Next.

I'm here to
register. I'm an alien.

Fill this out and
bring it back to me.

No sweat. Nanu-nanu.

Sergei, psst.

It didn't even phase him
when I told him I was an alien.

Oh, he sees hundreds
of aliens every week.

Wait'll Orson hears about this.

Whoa, check this out.

The ten most popular people.

Real nimnulls.

Those are criminals!

Criminals, nimnulls, they
don't look too swift to me.

Whoa, this pen's on a leash.

What's wrong? Did
you write a bad check?

Let's see, name: Mork.

Easy. One down.

Place of residence: Ork.

Two down.

Education: P.S. one million six.

Graduation date:
Betty Lou Zombax.

Residence: Mindy's house.

And, let's see, occupation:

observing your primitive planet

and reporting back
its customs to Orson.

Oh! Hey...

I can't answer this
one. What should I do?

Oh, take these to that
nice clerk over there.

Kay-o.

Now what do you want?

Oh, he told me to
take it to the nice clerk,

but since she's
busy, I'll talk to you.

If I can't answer this question,

do I fail the exam?

This is an informational form.

Even you couldn't fail it.

Whew!

Well, which question
is it? That one.

"Have you had a
recent vaccination?"

No, but I'd like to
go to Miami Beach

and stay at the Fontainebleau.

No. Vaccination.

Like when they stick
you with a needle.

Oh, I get the point.

Where did you come from?

Over there.

Okay, let's start
from the beginning.

Where's your passport?

I give up, where?

Don't you have a passport?

No. What's a passport?

Don't you have
any identification?

Well, I have a mole right here.

How's that identification?

I don't think anyone
else has one right here.

This is ridiculous. I can show
you the one on my right hip.

No, that won't be necessary!

Now... now, let
me get this straight.

You don't have a green card.

Right.

No passport. Ditto.

No visa. Right on.

No birth certificate?

Not even a note from home.

Legally you don't exist.

Oh, you exaggerate.
Therefore, I am.

Would you send
the guard in here?

You know, there are penalties
for being an illegal alien.

Hey, I resent that!

Even though my father
was an eye dropper,

he married Mom.

He had to.

Bob, I think we'd better
hang on to this guy

and ask him a few questions.

Hi, Mork. Let's go home.

Miss, miss, I'm sorry,

but I'm afraid we're going
to have to detain your friend.

I got your note.
What is going on?

I have to register as an alien.

Oh, no... You don't understand.

No, no, you don't understand.

I could be in big trouble.

I know.

Uh, now, what seems
to be the problem here?

He's an alien; he doesn't
have any identification.

We've got to ask
him a few questions.

Well, he's not an alien.

Um, can I suggest a question?

Please.

Ask him where he's from.

Oh, from the planet Ork.

You see, it's in the photosphere

of the galaxy Mellow Catorius,

near the black hole Leon.

Oh... I see.

And, uh, how did you get here?

Boat? Plane?

Flying egg.

I see. I always go by
flying bacon myself.

Oh, the express... The Sizzler.

Now tell him how you drink.

Oh, don't be a clone.
You know that. Well...

With my finger. Pfft! Eeh!

Okay.

Guard, would you please
escort this gentleman out

to his, uh, flying egg?

Uh, would you put that
desk back where it was?

No moisture.

Oh, this America
is country on move.

I tell you.

We're going.

Mindy, all these
people are aliens.

I know. Let's go.
Sergei, we're leaving!

Hello!

Hello.

Nanu-nanu.

I don't get it. What?

Why did Sergei
call himself an alien

if he'd never even
been to the moon?

We call people who come here
from other countries "aliens."

Oh, that's strange.

Everyone on Ork
calls himself an Orkan.

You humans subdivide
yourself into different species...

Russians, Americans,

Protestants, Jews,
game show hosts.

We do. I'm afraid
that we haven't learned

to live together very well yet.

Another thing I feel
strange about is democracy.

Why?

Well, after Sergei
got his apartment,

he went out to get
a driver's license,

and because he was
an alien, it took all day.

Oh, I think you're
getting democracy

mixed up with bureaucracy.

Oh, semantic
confusion or rented lips.

You see, democracy is the
"one man, one vote" system,

and bureaucracy is the most
difficult way to get anything done.

Why do you have such
an inefficient system?

Well, we've been
working hard at it.

Actually, we've been
trying to streamline things,

but that could take years.

Why?

Bureaucracy.

Hi! Hey-hey!

What's happening, Mork?

Nanu-nanu. Nanu-nanu.

You look awfully chipper.

Oh, yes, I am happy because
of this great democracy.

Have place to live,
have driver's license.

Didn't it take you
all day to get it?

Oh, yes, that's what's
so great about it.

Because where I come
from, it would take six months.

Really? Oh, yes,

and if I failed,
they make me date

female Russian shot-putter. Oh.

Well, Mork and I
are really happy

you're adjusting to
everything so well.

Oh, very much thank you.

I must leave now,
but before I go,

I-I want you to have
something from me.

This is some

Russian caviar.
Oh, thanks, Sergei.

I'm really sorry you
can't stay for dinner.

Oh, no, I have to go back and
check out my new dynamite pad.

Dosvidanya, Tovarich.

Hello. Bye.

I don't understand it.

Democracy didn't
work with three people,

it didn't work with two people,

but it works for Sergei,
and he lives all alone.

Well, that's one of the good
things about democracy.

It protects the individual.

And speaking of
protection, I think next time

you have any questions,
you should ask me first.

I know. I'm a real nimnull.

You ask me to take a poll,
and I brought home a Russian.

Whew!

That's caviar. Fish eggs.

Oh. Return to mother ship!

Yeah, back on home.

Roe, roe, roe, roe, roe, roe.

Oh, you like it?

No way.

Mork, calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, comrade. Hey!

That accent.

It's Russian.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'll slow it down.

Mork

calling Orson.

Come in, comrade.

Heyyy!

Just the report, Mork.

Sorry, Your Rotundity.

What's happening
inside your head?

Is your brain flaky?

Oh, no.

This is what
earthlings call snow.

Uh, it's kind of like Martian
lint bombs, only frozen.

Are they dangerous?

Oh, no.

If you try and light their
fuse, they turn to water.

What else have you observed?

Well, earthlings have a
custom called "voting."

It's so everyone can
have a voice in democracy.

And they all vote?

No, only about half of them.

The rest have
political laryngitis.

Maybe they just
don't like their leaders.

I think that's part
of the problem.

Too bad they don't have someone

as well-rounded as you.

Is that another fat joke, Mork?

Oh, no, Your Obesity.

I mean, we're lucky enough
that we have someone like you

that we can all stand behind.

I mean, all of us,
the entire planet.

That was a cheap shot, Mork.

Oh, rejection. Heavy thigh.

I mean, sigh.

See you next week, Your Acreage.

Nanu-nanu.