Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 12 - Mork's First Christmas - full transcript

Nanu-nanu.

Shazbot!

Hi, Mork.

Be calm.

Okay.

Everything is
going to be all right,

but just start packing, okay?!

What? We've got to get out.

We're going to blow this burg.

It's over. The party's
over! Boulder's had it.

What are you talking
about? There's a plague!



It's an epidemic.
It's called Christmas!

Oh...

the Christmas plague.

You know about it.
It affects the brain.

There're mindless hordes all out

in the street milling around.

Last night, while
you were at school,

there was a roving gang
terrorizing the neighborhood.

They were just
singing for trouble.

Singing for trouble?

Yes, they wanted to beat
up Monty Hall and his family.

They were going from
house to house singing,

"Deck the halls,
deck the halls..."

Mork, those are
Christmas carolers.



They're harmless.

Oh, a lot you know.

Quick! We've got to
get you out of here!

The whole town's
under martial law.

There's a little fat dude in
a red suit on every corner

and he's called, he's
called Santa Claus.

And he's stopping everybody!

And people are really
sick 'cause they're putting

plastic babies on everybody's
lawn covered in straw.

I don't know, but we've
got to get out of here

before we're all infected!

Mork. Mork.

Relax.

Now, this might be hard
for you to understand,

but it's all part of our
Christmas holiday.

Oh, that explains it.

You see, the men
in the red suits

are collecting money for people

that are less fortunate.

And the carolers are singing
because that makes people happy.

Oh, yeah? Tell
that to the "Halls"

after they're decked.

You see, this holiday
is to celebrate the birth

of one of Earth's greatest
men called Jesus Christ.

Oh, is that the guy
with the glasses

that runs Boulder Stereo?

No, I don't think that's him.

You see, Jesus was a
wise and wonderful man.

That's why this time of year

brings out the best in people.

It's a time for
caring and sharing,

when you open up your
heart to your fellow man.

Oh, I see.

For a few short weeks each
year, humans try to act human.

Well, it's a start.

Well, it's a darn good one.

Orson will be pleased
to hear about this.

I'll get it.

Mindy, you don't have to
worry about snowing tonight,

because here's your
fair-weather friend, Susan.

Mork, Mork, Mork, Mork, Mork.

Oh, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue.

You're such a dear child.

Well, Susan Taylor,

whatever brings you
into this neighborhood?

After all, there's
no valet parking.

Mindy!

Oh!

Nonsense.

I'd go to a tacky
area to see a friend.

Oh, that's nice.

I know.

So, what brings you by?

Oh, Christmas. You
know, at Christmas

you stop to think
about your friends,

and that's why I'm here.

After all, you two
are my best friends.

We're your only friends.

Oh, what beautiful
Christmas cards.

Where did you buy them?

Oh, she didn't. One
man gave them all to her.

Aha.

The mailman.

Oh, that's the guy.

The one with the
well-stuffed pouch.

Did you string up
your Christmas cards?

Oh, sort of.

I hung up my... Christmas card.

Oh, then I'll give you a card.

Here, are you into camels?

Oh, thank you, Mork,
but it's just not the same.

Cute camel, though.

Oh, Mindy, your
place is just so homey,

not like mine.

I mean, mine is just
so gosh-darned elegant.

It's just that it's not really

the kind of place you'd
like to spend Christmas in...

all alone.

Oh, loneliness. Heavy sigh.

I know. What about
that guy you're dating...

uh, the lawyer?

Oh, Patrick.

Oh, well, no, we're
not going to be able

to spend Christmas together.

He has this silly quirk

about spending the
holidays with his wife.

That's easily fixed.

Just have him come over

and bring the
little woman along.

Mork, she doesn't
know that I exist.

Oh, that's probably why
she didn't send you a card.

But you have to let people
know what you're doing.

Uh! I have the solution.

Why don't you come
over here for Christm...

Excuse me, Mork,

I forgot I have to talk to you.

You were going to invite her

to spend Christmas
with us, weren't you?

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I got the right idea.

I think fast.

I want to spend Christmas
with you, Dad and Grandma.

So does she.

But I don't want
to spend it with her.

Why? You told me Christmas
was a time of caring and sharing,

a time when you
open up your heart

to your fellow man
or strange woman.

What made you change your mind?

I didn't change my mind.

I just...

Oh, you don't understand.

I think I do understand.

You didn't mean what you said.

It was a nice
idea, though, this...

But I guess this
Christmas is just a sham.

No, I mean, it's still
a nice idea, but...

she's just so...

And her ego is so inflated.

Oh, all right, ask her.

Oh, thank you, Mindy.

Susan, even though you're

yech!

And inflated,

would you like to spend
Christmas over here?

Well, I suppose I
could change my plans.

Swell.

Gee, I forgot. I can't.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, maybe next year.

Well, I'm a nooner.

I could never possibly get here

in time for the festivities.

Oh...

Well, I'll wake you up.

Well, if it's that
important to you,

I suppose I could come over
and spend Christmas Eve here,

and then you could
wake me up in time

for the fun in the morning.

Okay, you win.

Thank you for thinking of us.

What are friends for?

Well, listen, I really do...

I do prefer to have the
Christmas meal around 1:00.

Oh, fair warning:

I only eat white meat.

Well, I guess we'll have to
get a Caucasian turkey then.

Oh, we're going
to have such fun.

Ciao.

Grub.

See, Mindy,

aren't you glad we
did the right thing?

In come.

Eugene!

What's action, faction?

Uh-uh-uh.

What's this?

A tree.

A tree in bondage?

Eugene, you're weird.

Why are you dragging
this dead thing around?

Haven't you seen a
Christmas tree before?

Oh, a Christmas tree. No.

Man, sometimes you act
like you're from another world.

It's a Christmas tree.

You decorate it.

Why?

Well, Mork, there
are certain things

you do on Christmas.

One, decorate the tree.

Two, eat turkey.

Three, exchange gifts.

Whoa, munchkin.

Run the gift part by me again.

Well, Mindy'll buy
you something.

And probably her
Dad and Grandma.

Oh, and ipso facto, I'm supposed

to buy them something.

Now you got it.

Ooh, what a pleasant tradition.

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Susan.

Susan who?

Susan Taylor.

What a terrible
knock-knock joke.

Oh, Mork, I'm so full

of the essence of Christmas.

I'd like you to meet my
main munchkin, Eugene.

Oh, Mork, I am so thrilled.

Hello, there.

I am so thrilled
that you and Mindy

have invited me to spend this

special time of the
year with you that,

well, I've decided
to share with you

one of my most
cherished possessions.

A heavenly top
piece for our tree...

My Gucci angel.

Well, any friend of
yours is a friend of ours

and your winged
guest is welcome here.

Fly, little friend, be free!

Oh, heavy remorse.

I've killed your flighty friend.

I'm sorry. It was your
most prized possession.

That's all right.

I have six more at home.

Well, I must fly.

Oh, think of your friend.

Oh, that reminds me.

I'll drop off another
angel with Mindy later.

Ciao.

Pekinese.

Boy, she's something else.

Yeah, I like her, too.

Eugene, would you come with me

and help me pick out
presents for the family?

Sure. But I gotta
tell you something.

That lady friend of yours has
the wrong idea about Christmas.

She does?

Yeah. Getting presents is nice,

but giving presents is
what the gig's all about.

Oh, like Mindy said,
caring and sharing.

Right.

It's the time of the year

when everyone's
full of brotherly love.

Will you let
go?! I saw it first!

I got more of it!

No, you haven't!

Hey, girlie, can you help me?
Come back here! Come back here!

You had plenty yesterday.

Don't you have one with green?

Mork?! Mork?!

Eugene!

You can't buy anything
under there. Come on out.

Oh, no way, Jose. Nyet, nix.

I'm no chump.

These people are out for blood.

I'd rather go
swimming in a blender.

Hey, Mork, here
comes a salesman.

Can I help you?

You can help me. What?

He's scared to come
out. Will you come out

of there right now! No!

Face it like a man!

Hey, everybody, there's
a sale on the second floor.

110% off!

That's right, 110% off.

I'm sorry. I had to save myself,

and besides I all I
want is just a sweater.

It's all right.

They'll be back when they
find out there's no second floor.

What kind of
sweater do you want?

Well, I'd like to
go big-time maybe.

Cardin, Yves St. Laurent.

I've got 12 bucks.

12 bucks?

Oh, yeah, I've got to buy
three presents with that

or four, including Susan.

Twelve bucks, huh?

I've got an idea
for you, friend.

Why don't you do your
shopping at McDonald's?

All right, Eugene, we're
off to the Golden Arches.

Mork, he was putting you on.

Oh, I guess 12 bucks doesn't buy

very nice presents then.

Not for that many people.

Too bad.

At home we used to
make presents for people...

Sure, you can do that.

I thought that's
against the law.

You know, because on TV they
say you've got to buy everything.

It's part of the commercialization
of Christmas, you know.

The stores would
rather you buy them.

There's no reason
you can't make them.

Oh... oh, yay,
excitement, tingle.

I've got to get
the material then.

Let's see, what do we need?

We need lots of
gum... ball of string...

some dust balls,
a little tiny whip.

Mindy, guess what?

What?

I have a surprise for you.

I've hid your present
all over the house.

You'll never be
able... Don't sit there!

Why did you hide your presents?

Why didn't you just
put them under the tree?

I didn't want you to see them.

Didn't you wrap them?

You're supposed to
wrap your presents?

Yes.

Okay.

You're nothing! You're skuz!

You're not worth the money!

You're awful!

Who would buy you
in a million years?!

Doesn't sound very
Christmasy to me.

Mork, look.

See... a little paper,

a little ribbon,
nice little bow.

This is how we wrap presents.

Oh, that's a lot more
in the spirit of things.

Yes.

Well, guess what I got for you.

Go on, take a guess.

Come on, just one guess.

No, I don't want to guess.

I don't want to ruin it.

Oh, party pooper.

Well, I'll guess
what you got for me.

Come on, let me guess.

No.

Just give me a hint!

Give me a hint! Give me a hint!

No, Mork.

You're just going
to have to wait

till tomorrow morning.

You know, you're
just like a little kid.

Don't... don't shake it.

You're going to break the...

What?

Oh... cute.

Knock-knock.

Don't say, "Who's there?"

It's a set-up for
a terrible joke.

Entre vous.

Hi, there.

Oh, look at all

the beautiful presents.

How nice.

I only got one gift
myself this year.

It's from my boyfriend, Patrick.

And his wife?

I doubt it.

You know what he
gave me for Christmas?

A picture of himself.

And you opened it?

No, I don't have to, I know.

That's what I'm giving
for Christmas this year.

That man doesn't have

a single bit of imagination.

Oh, well, Susan,
forget about Patrick.

We're going to see that you have

a really nice
Christmas this year.

Yes, we have
presents... Even for you.

That's nice.

Look, I really appreciate

your inviting me over
here for the holidays.

I know I kind of wangled
my invitation, but, uh...

well, I'm really
glad you invited me,

and I think we're going to
have a really nice Christmas.

Oh, I know we are.

Since everyone's in
the Christmas spirit,

let's open those presents!

Now, I told you,

we're going to open our presents

tomorrow morning when
Dad and Grandma get here.

Do you think you
can wait that long?

Who me?

Yeah, you.

Remember me?

Mork the emotionless?

I'm in control.

Everything's cool.

Tell you what...
tomorrow morning

when they get here,
you just give me a buzz.

If the energy's
right, I'll come down.

We'll have a
cocktail. We'll talk.

'Cause you know,
Christmas is really for kids.

Well, it is getting late.

I think we probably
should hit the sack.

Tomorrow's going
to start pretty early.

Okay.

You know, in spite
of what he just said,

Mork certainly seems to
be excited about Christmas.

Oh, he is.

It's like it's his first one.

You see, his, uh, parents,
never celebrated Christmas.

Oh, that's sad.

Yeah, it is.

Mork and I have a lot in common.

Catchy tune.

Oh, look at this lovely brooch

cameo from the antique shop.

Oh, isn't it lovely?

Oh, Fred, how did
you know I wanted it?

Well, I overheard you
mention it to Mindy.

Every day since July.

Oh, Mindy, thank you
so much for the gloves.

They're really nice.

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, and thank you for the lovely

picture of yourself.

It's time for my presents now.

I saved the best for last.

Grandma...

may all your
Christmases be bright.

Oh, thank you.

Pops, keep those
chestnuts roasting.

Susan, this is even
better than your picture.

And Mindy, for you.

And thanks for being
such a swell roomy.

Oh, thanks, Mork.

Say, this is nice. What is it?

Well, you said you've
always wanted a rug... try it on.

Just like Howard Cosell,
and it's indoor/outdoor.

Um... a-a painting?

Oh, yes.

You said you liked
music and antiques,

so I combined the two
and I made a portrait

of Liberace made
out of old bubble gum.

I painted each wad myself.

Well, it's, um... it's unusual.

Oh, I knew you'd like it.

Gee, I can't wait
to see what I got.

Well, yours is the
only one I bought,

'cause you said you
wanted something returnable.

A saucer?

Surprised?

Oh, yes.

Uh, why a saucer?

Well, Mindy said you'd only
appreciate something shallow.

Well, it... it's a bracelet.

No, it's a lawnmower.

Of course, it's a bracelet.

Oh.

It's handmade by Mork.

Oh... it's really interesting.

What kind of beads are these?

Oh, they're not beads,
and I know you'll love it,

because there's a whole
collection up in the attic.

They're flies.

They can't fly now,
silly, they're dead.

And look, I hand-painted each
and every one of their eyes...

Which was really a
drag, took a long time...

And I made, I made
little clothing for them.

Little pants, too.

Oh, look, look...
His human's open.

And if you look real close

and you hold
them up to the light,

you can see I put
sequins on the wings

so they could look like
Liza Minelli in Cabaret.

Isn't it incredible?

I knew you'd like it.

Oh...

It was just worth it just to see

the surprised look on your face.

Well, I-I appreciate
the fact that it

took you so long to make that.

Um, could you put
that in the box for me?

Oh, you know why I
put it in such a big box?

Why?

So you couldn't
guess what it was.

Did I fool you?

You sure did, boy.

I never would have
guessed what was in there.

Well, did everyone
like my swell gifts?

Oh, yes.

Well, if you liked those,

wait till you see what I
got for the entire house.

It's something
everybody can use.

Oh, dopey me.

It must be upstairs.

I'll go get it.

Will you look at this?

Oh, my gosh.

I agree, but what can
you say to the guy?

Oh, no.

What I thought was
a picture from Patrick,

it's a thousand dollar bill.

Oh, no, I didn't
get him anything

because I thought he
gave me a crummy picture.

Oh, I've got to
think of something

that I can get for him

and leave it in his mailbox.

I know.

I'll leave him one
of my Gucci angels.

Oh, folks, now
you got to admit it...

This is what Christmas

is all about.

Not like those

stupid presents
Mork made for us.

Merry Christmas!

Well, what should we do?

I don't know.

Poor Mork.

I'm so embarrassed for him.

He worked so hard
on the... on all this stuff.

I know.

A rug,

gum and dead flies.

It's tough to warm up to.

Oh, the poor boy.

Do we tell him?

I mean, we don't
want him to make

the same mistake next year.

Dad, how do we tell him?

Did you see the
look on his face?

You don't have to.

I made a fool out of myself.

Mork...

I'm sorry I embarrassed you.

I'll be up in my room.

Wait a minute.

Okay, so your presents
weren't very practical,

but it doesn't matter.

Oh, Mork, Dad's right.

It's not the gift, it's
the thought that counts.

That's true, Mork.

It is the thought.

Thoughts are important?

Well, of course.

I should have given you
one of those for Christmas.

What? A thought.

You can give a thought?

No, but you can
give it to yourselves,

I can make it happen.

Let me show you.

I don't believe it.

What was your thought?

Well, when I was a little girl,

I used to have this
dog named Peppy.

And I, I let him
loose one afternoon

at a picnic and-and he ran away.

A week went by and
I thought that he'd

gotten run over by a car.

And I just remember
the way I felt the day

that Peppy ran up the driveway.

Oh, thanks, Mork.

What about you, Grandma?

Well, I was just
remembering my husband

and our first
Christmas together.

We, uh, we couldn't
afford furniture

or gifts for each other,
but we bought a tree.

And it was the
best Christmas ever.

What's wrong, Pops?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

You just made me
remember the first time

I held my newborn daughter.

My hands were so large

and clumsy.

I just couldn't believe
anything so tiny

could make me so happy.

Thank you, Mork.

Me, too, Mork.

Thank you, from the
bottom of my heart.

I'd forgotten how
much I loved that dog.

You like it better than flies?

Yes, even better than flies.

Whew.

I want to say
something to you, too.

This is my first Christmas

and you made it really
wonderful. Thank you.

Well...