Mork & Mindy (1978–1982): Season 1, Episode 11 - Old Fears - full transcript
Cora's depressed after the death of a friend, so Mork ages himself to cheer her up.
Nanu-Nanu.
( LOUD CLANK )
Shazbot!
( GUITAR STRINGS TWANG )
( SIGHS )
( DOOR KNOCKER TAPPING )
Come in.
♪ La cucaracha,
la cucaracha. ♪
Hi, honey.
Hello, darling.
No, not you, her.
Hi.
Oh.
What'cha doing?
I'm restringing a guitar.
How about you?
Oh...
Mindy and I
are going nit-picking.
Uh, don't you mean "picnicking"?
Oh, now you're nit-picking.
Anyway, we thought we'd
go up to Boulder Lake
and have a picnic.
Ahh.
I've got ham sandwiches
and hot chocolate in there.
Yeah, and I see Mork
has the blanket
and the, uh, pepper?
No, ants.
Mindy said no picnic is complete
without them.
Those ants are revolting.
No, they're happy
with their form of government.
You see, the little suckers
are just dancing.
Anyway, we stopped by
because we want you and
Grandma to come with us.
I've got plenty of food.
And plenty of ants.
Well, honey, I'd love to go,
but your grandmother
isn't feeling too well.
Oh, what's wrong?
Well, you remember
her friend Barney?
Oh, yeah, he's the one
she plays gin rummy with.
Was. He passed away
Friday night,
and Cora's taking it very hard.
MINDY:
Oh, that's terrible.
FRED:
Yeah, especially since Barney
was four years
younger than Cora.
Mrs. Hudson, want
to buy a guitar?
No strings attached.
( HONKING BARK )
No, thank you, Mork.
I'm just looking for my glasses.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you.
Whoa, you're right.
I don't think I've ever
seen her this depressed.
She's just not herself.
For three days now she hasn't
even called me a wiener.
Why is Mrs. Hudson so sad?
Well, it's
probably because she's lonely, Mork.
She just doesn't have
too many friends her own age.
Oh, on my planet, the elders
have all the friends they want.
Well, here
it's a little bit different.
Lots of people,
especially the young ones,
ignore their elders.
But they're the ones with all
the knowledge and experience.
On Ork, they're always being
surrounded by young people.
Oh, we have the same
thing in our big cities...
it's called mugging.
It's just not easy being old.
Oh.
Mrs. Hudson seems so lonely, I'd
like to do something to help.
What does she want to do,
and I'll do it with her?
Oh, that's really sweet, Mork,
but see the problem is
that she needs somebody
her own age.
Look, why don't you two kids
go have your picnic.
I'll restring Cora's guitar
and maybe
that'll make her feel better.
All right.
Well, listen, Dad, I'll
call after we're done
just to see how Grandma's doing.
Okay. I'm sure
that'll cheer her up.
Okay. Bye.
Bye, Grandma.
Hey, they ran away.
Ants. Ants.
Ants!
He said he didn't like them.
Look, he's dancing with them.
MINDY:
Well, I'm going to go in the back
and see
if I can cheer Grandma up.
If anybody comes in,
uh, just yell.
( SCREAMING )
You said, yell.
You okay, Mork?
Certainly, my main munchkin.
What's action, plasma?
Eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh.
Eeh, eeh.
( HIGH-PITCHED BEEP )
Eugene, I...
Eugene,
I want to ask you a question.
Sure.
That's one of the things
I like about you.
Everyone else
is always telling me stuff,
you're the only one
who asks me anything.
What's happening?
What do old people do for fun?
Well, my mother's pretty old,
she's 31...
and she likes
watching soap operas on TV.
No, no, I mean a lot older,
like Mrs. Hudson.
Oh, you mean over 40.
I don't think they have any fun.
Why?
I don't know, maybe it's a law.
What do they do then?
They hang out by the parks
and the museums.
What makes those places
so special?
They're free.
Ah.
What do they do at the park?
They feed the pigeons.
Hey, I got to go
in for my lesson.
Thanks for the information,
my man.
Any time.
What it was.
What it shall be.
One day.
Yeah.
( DOOR OPENING )
Hey, good lookin'.
Oh, Mindy's not in.
Who's Mindy?
I'm talking to you, brown eyes.
Oh.
Oh, why,
what can I do to help you?
Oh, you can walk up and down
my back in a flimsy kimono.
Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba!
Oh, why I don't even know
your name.
And besides,
my kimono's at the cleaners.
Oh, Shazbot.
But maybe you can
show me something
in an Ethiopian lip whistle.
A harmonica.
( LAUGHS ):
Oh, certainly.
Follow me.
Oh!
Whoa.
Must be jelly 'cause jam
don't shake like that.
Oh, uh, what key
would you like it in?
"Q."
Oh, we don't have it
in the key of "Q."
Well, then, you
pick one you like.
Uh, let's see, uh...
Uh, how about the key of "C"?
How about dinner?
Oh. ( GIGGLES )
Well, uh, ( CLEARS THROAT )
no, I'm having
Moo Goo spaghetti.
( GIGGLES ):
Or whatever.
Well, you see, I'm
pre-indisposed.
Oh, Cara Mia,
you're beautiful
when you're tongue-tied.
( GIGGLES )
Do you, uh, do you
know "Lady of Spain"?
Oh, is the Pope Polish?
Now that will be $5.29.
Oh.
$5.29.
Thank you.
Boy, I can remember
when these things used to be...
( CASH REGISTER RINGS )
I forget.
( HONKING BARK )
Would you like to
have that wrapped?
Oh, no thanks,
I'll play it here.
Oh.
How about you and me
blow this Popsicle stand?
Where are you going?
To the museum.
I've never been to the museum.
Oh, come along, sweet pea.
We can't keep
those statues waiting.
This time of year
the fig leaves begin to fall.
♪ Oh, we'd make
a peach of a pair, oh ♪
♪ I know you cantaloupe,
but oh, honeydew. ♪
( GIGGLING )
Oh, wait a minute.
Why, I don't even
know your name.
Uh, hah, ah, that's
a good question.
Um...
Hohner.
Bill C. Hohner.
Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Hohner?
My friends just call
me "Marine Man."
( GIGGLING )
On the way to the museum,
we'll stop by this
wonderful delicatessen
and pick up some munchettoes.
Oh, wonderful.
I'm starving.
Oh, not for us.
For the pigeons.
( BOTH LAUGHING )
( PLAYING GENTLE MELODY
ON HARMONICA )
Ah, Mindy,
our little girl is growing up.
Yes, soon
she'll be leaving the nest.
Really, you two are impossible.
Oh, us?
You're the one
that's been taking
the long lunch hours.
Yes, and I'd hate for your
granddaughter to find out
how late you've been rolling in
these past two nights.
Now, the museum closes at 9:00,
and I've been home by 10:00,
haven't I?
Yes, but the museum
is only four blocks away.
I want to know
what you've been doing
between 9:00 and 10:00, hmm?
Well, we're not exactly
spring chickens, you know.
We don't just
skip along the sidewalk.
Why are you being so
secretive about all this?
Well, I think a person
should keep
one's personal life personal.
Oh.
Who's the one
that always wants to know
every last detail
when I go on a date, hmm?
Right. Turnabout is fair play,
so tell us everything.
Yeah.
Well,
so far,
we have gone to the museum.
And...?
Uh-huh?
And to the park,
to feed the pigeons.
And what else have
you been doing?
Dad, she doesn't have
to answer that question.
Oh, that's all right, dear,
I'll answer him.
None of your business, Fredzo.
Isn't that nice,
she's back to normal.
Even if she is hiding something.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
You know, Grandma,
you've been like a new woman
these last few days.
Really?
Oh, absolutely.
And Mindy and I are dying
to meet the man
who's responsible.
Well, it just so happens
he's coming to take me to lunch.
Lunch?
Good grief, my chicken potpie.
You know, now I might not know
what I'm talking about,
but listen to your heart.
You know, sometimes when
you listen to your head,
logic gets in the way of things.
You're right...
you don't know
what you're talking about.
I know I'm meddling,
but I just want what's
right for you and Bill.
Oh, everything's fine dear.
Only there's something
about him.
Oh, I know, I know.
I feel the same way
about John Travolta.
No. No dear, what I mean is,
there's something kind of,
well, familiar about him.
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
Oh, that's probably Bill now.
I'll go get my coat.
Okay.
Oh, you must be Bill.
I'm Mindy, Cora's granddaughter.
Oh, charmed.
Oh.
Oh, Dad, this is Bill.
Take a hike.
( HONKING BARK )
Just kidding.
You know something?
You've made my mother-in-law
very happy.
Oh, yes, she's like a kid again,
and we really want
to thank you for that.
Oh, since I've made you both
so happy,
and you don't mind what's
happening between Cora and me,
I want to share with you
a little secret.
Nanu-Nanu.
Where did you hear that?
On Ork, I'm known as Mork.
( HONKING BARK )
I'm ready, Bill.
Did-did you have a nice chat?
Oh, yeah.
And I hope that-that Bill and I
get a chance to chat again.
Real soon.
Uh-oh.
Looks like I'm up the big
creek without locomotion.
( TELEVISION PLAYS QUIETLY )
( DOOR CLOSING )
Hold it right there, Casanova.
Casanova?
I've heard of supernova,
Chevy Nova, bossa nova...
( HONKING BARK )
And you're not going to get out
of this one by acting dumb.
But I wasn't acting.
Mrs. Hudson and I had
a wonderful time today.
We started off
by escorting a Boy Scout
across the street.
We had to drag him away
from his mother to do it.
Then we played chicken with kids
on skate boards.
Finally, we inched our way
up Main Street.
Backed up traffic all the way
to Utah.
We were real scamps.
Mork, how could you do such
a thing?
Oh, change my age?
With my Orkan age machine.
I set the controls for senile,
subtract two.
I'm not talking
about the mechanics
of what you did.
I want to know
why you did such
a horrible thing to Grandma.
How could it be horrible
when it makes her so happy?
She's only happy
because she thinks
that you are an old man.
But when I use my age machine,
I am an old man.
You're being unfair
to my grandmother.
How could it be unfair?
She was sad, I made her happy.
Therefore, how can
you call it unfair?
What if she falls in love
with you?
Now, you certainly aren't going
to marry her,
and that might break her heart.
Don't you see,
you could be doing more harm
than good?
Uh-oh.
Sudden realisation.
Mork the Good is
suddenly Mork the Bozo.
Better call a travel agent
and book a heavy guilt trip.
How could I do
such a dumb thing?
Oh, Mork,
your intentions were good.
Yeah, but there's a saying
on Ork.
"The road to Earth is paved
with good intentions."
I'm a real nimnul.
( NASALLY GROAN ) To my face!
But how can I
solve the problem, though?
Mrs. Hudson and I have a date
tomorrow night.
I guess you're
just going to have to break up.
I'm already pretty broken up
right now.
No. I mean,
you're going to have to tell her
that you're not going
to see her anymore.
Oh boy, and is that
going to be hard.
I think she really
likes that old man.
Eugene...
I thought you'd never get here.
What's up, Mork?
I need to ask your advice again.
I'll do the best I can,
but you got to understand,
I have my limitations.
I'm only ten years old.
You're the only one I can ask.
What about Dear Abby?
She knows everything.
I've read her advice, and
how can you trust a woman
who begins her letters,
"Dear Puzzled?"
Okay, lay it on me.
All right.
Let's say someone
likes you very much,
and you want to end
the relationship?
How do you do it?
Tell them to take a hike.
Oh. Effective,
but cruel.
How do you do it
if you don't want
to hurt their feelings?
Mork, there must be 50 ways
to leave your lover.
But I only need seven or eight.
Lay it on me, my main munchkin.
Well, one is,
you slip out the back, Jack.
All right.
"Slip back, Jack."
Make a new plan, Stan.
Uh... plan, Stan.
Just drop off the key, Lee.
Key Lee? Oh,
Chinese wisdom.
( SPEAKING CHINESE )
And get yourself free.
Munchkin, you are wise
beyond your height.
Well, one thing
you got to remember:
Don't let those chicks
railroad you into anything.
Yes.
Funny planet,
where chickens run the railroad.
Boy, I certainly hope
Mork can bring this off.
Oh, I know he can do it.
I just hope he doesn't
break Grandma's heart.
Mmm, Bill isn't here yet.
No.
Well, you look very
nice tonight, Cora.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, your hair looks so pretty.
Uh, I just washed it.
( LAUGHTER, KNOCK AT DOOR )
Oh, that must be Bill.
I-I'll get that.
Ah.
Oh, hello.
Guacamole, Señorita.
Uh, none for you
until you pluck your hand.
( LAUGHS )
Oh, hello, Bill.
Oh, sweet one.
You better make this good.
No pressure.
Um, well, I, uh, guess
I'll go, uh, practice
my trombone solo.
I'll help.
Yeah. Here, Bill,
come on, sit down.
Oh.
Oh, aren't those lovely!
Thank you.
Um...
Uh, Bill...
There's something I want to...
There's something I have to s...
( LAUGHS ) Psychic.
Yes, age before beauty.
No, no. Pearls before swine.
Oh, go ahead.
Oh. Kay-o.
Cora, there's something
I have to say to you,
and I'll try and make it
as quick and painless
as possible.
The-The painless is easy.
At my age,
the quick is the hard part.
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
Mm.
Cora, after
careful consideration,
I've decided to slip
out my back, Jackson.
Which is to say,
I'm going
to make a new plan, Chuck.
Which includes dropping off
the key.
In summation,
I'm going to get myself free.
What I'm trying to say,
Cora, is,
this is hello.
I-I haven't understood a word
you just said.
I should have asked him
for the other 46 ways.
Never mind.
Come and sit down,
because it's my turn to talk.
Oh.
Now, first of all,
I want to thank you
for helping me
through a very rough time.
Oh, rough time?
About...
8:10.
Oh.
And the other thing
I want to tell you is,
I know who you are, Mork.
Shazbot!
How did you find me out?
Oh, come on.
If you were really old,
the Kay-o would have been
followed by a pectate.
I'm-I'm a real nimnul then.
Oh no, you're not.
You're wonderful.
( LAUGHS )
I really began to suspect
that day we went to the museum.
Remember that piece of art work
that you liked?
Oh, yes. That lovely
metallic sculpture.
Mm-hmm.
That was an air conditioner.
Oh.
And then last night
when we were lost,
you asked directions
from a pine tree.
Oh. He got us
there, didn't he?
( LAUGHS )
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
But only Mork
could do those things.
Oh.
Well, I-I guess you
don't like me anymore.
Oh, well, how can you say that?
Of course I like you.
Why, I-I like you more
than ever.
Don't you realise you...
you snapped me out
of a blue funk?
You've made me realise
that I-I have a family
that-that cares about me, and...
and a good job, and-and lots
of friends of all ages.
I'll always be your
friend, Mrs. Hudson.
( LAUGHS )
Why don't you call me Grandma?
Kay-o, and hold the pectate.
( LAUGHS )
But you know, there's one thing
that still bothers me.
Last night
when I tweaked your cheek,
I did it
to see
if you were wearing make-up.
And you weren't.
It's as if you really have
become an old man.
Temporarily, I am.
Oh, no, no.
There's no way on Earth
you could do that.
You're beginning
to get the idea.
Cora, there's something
I have to tell you,
and you better take
this one sitting down.
Okay.
( SQUEAKS ): Oh!
Cora, I have to
tell you something
'cause I respect you,
'cause you're getting too
close to hide it anymore.
I'm from another planet.
( HIGH-PITCHED EERIE HUMMING )
I'm an alien being.
Nanu.
Do you want
to hear something weird?
Lay it on me.
I believe you.
( HIGH-PITCHED ):
Aha!
Oh. Why, I should have known
when you...
when you carved our initials
on that tree
with-with your finger.
I can drink with
the sucker, too!
Oh, what a relief.
You know, ever since
you moved in with Mindy,
I was seeing things that,
well, made me think
my mind was going.
But now, well, of course,
it's so simple.
A man from outer space.
You accept it so easily.
Most people just look
at me and say, "Bull!"
( HIGH-PITCHED UTTERANCE )
Oh, Mork, I've been around
a long time.
I've seen the age
of the automobile
and radio and talking movies,
and I've seen a man walk
on the moon.
Me, too.
Well, if we can go there,
there's no reason
you can't come here.
Then I can return back
to my normal age,
and you'll still be my friend?
Oh, of course.
Let's shake.
( GOOFY GROWLING )
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
( LAUGHS )
But there's one other thing,
Mork.
If you can make yourself old,
could you make another person
young?
No.
Shazbot!
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
( LAUGHTER )
Mork calling Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Ziz, bah, ziz, bah, ziz, bah...
ORSON:
What are you doing?
Push-downs.
It's a common form
of Earth exercise.
Here's another one.
We must, we must,
we must build up the bust.
Why this sudden
interest in exercise?
Well, I aged myself.
I'm still a little stiff.
You aged yourself?
That's a cheap way
to get respect.
Oh, it's different here, Orson.
Here the young people get
all the attention.
What do young people know?
They don't have the experience.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh. I don't understand it
myself.
Everything else here gets
more valuable as it gets older...
wine, cheese, furniture, coins.
Everything except people.
Here they ignore
their ancient ones, Orson.
They don't do anything
nice for them?
Well, they do one nice thing.
They fix their income.
But why do they treat
their elders like that?
Unlike us, as they get older,
their bodies fall into a state
of disrepair.
The first thing
to go is their hearing.
What?
( LOUDER ):
The first thing to go is their hearing.
Why is that, Mork?
Well, I have a theory
about that.
I feel it's because
no one asks them anything.
Such a waste.
This is Mork, signing off
until next week.
Nanu-Nanu.
( LOUD CLANK )
Shazbot!
( GUITAR STRINGS TWANG )
( SIGHS )
( DOOR KNOCKER TAPPING )
Come in.
♪ La cucaracha,
la cucaracha. ♪
Hi, honey.
Hello, darling.
No, not you, her.
Hi.
Oh.
What'cha doing?
I'm restringing a guitar.
How about you?
Oh...
Mindy and I
are going nit-picking.
Uh, don't you mean "picnicking"?
Oh, now you're nit-picking.
Anyway, we thought we'd
go up to Boulder Lake
and have a picnic.
Ahh.
I've got ham sandwiches
and hot chocolate in there.
Yeah, and I see Mork
has the blanket
and the, uh, pepper?
No, ants.
Mindy said no picnic is complete
without them.
Those ants are revolting.
No, they're happy
with their form of government.
You see, the little suckers
are just dancing.
Anyway, we stopped by
because we want you and
Grandma to come with us.
I've got plenty of food.
And plenty of ants.
Well, honey, I'd love to go,
but your grandmother
isn't feeling too well.
Oh, what's wrong?
Well, you remember
her friend Barney?
Oh, yeah, he's the one
she plays gin rummy with.
Was. He passed away
Friday night,
and Cora's taking it very hard.
MINDY:
Oh, that's terrible.
FRED:
Yeah, especially since Barney
was four years
younger than Cora.
Mrs. Hudson, want
to buy a guitar?
No strings attached.
( HONKING BARK )
No, thank you, Mork.
I'm just looking for my glasses.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you.
Whoa, you're right.
I don't think I've ever
seen her this depressed.
She's just not herself.
For three days now she hasn't
even called me a wiener.
Why is Mrs. Hudson so sad?
Well, it's
probably because she's lonely, Mork.
She just doesn't have
too many friends her own age.
Oh, on my planet, the elders
have all the friends they want.
Well, here
it's a little bit different.
Lots of people,
especially the young ones,
ignore their elders.
But they're the ones with all
the knowledge and experience.
On Ork, they're always being
surrounded by young people.
Oh, we have the same
thing in our big cities...
it's called mugging.
It's just not easy being old.
Oh.
Mrs. Hudson seems so lonely, I'd
like to do something to help.
What does she want to do,
and I'll do it with her?
Oh, that's really sweet, Mork,
but see the problem is
that she needs somebody
her own age.
Look, why don't you two kids
go have your picnic.
I'll restring Cora's guitar
and maybe
that'll make her feel better.
All right.
Well, listen, Dad, I'll
call after we're done
just to see how Grandma's doing.
Okay. I'm sure
that'll cheer her up.
Okay. Bye.
Bye, Grandma.
Hey, they ran away.
Ants. Ants.
Ants!
He said he didn't like them.
Look, he's dancing with them.
MINDY:
Well, I'm going to go in the back
and see
if I can cheer Grandma up.
If anybody comes in,
uh, just yell.
( SCREAMING )
You said, yell.
You okay, Mork?
Certainly, my main munchkin.
What's action, plasma?
Eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh, eeh.
Eeh, eeh.
( HIGH-PITCHED BEEP )
Eugene, I...
Eugene,
I want to ask you a question.
Sure.
That's one of the things
I like about you.
Everyone else
is always telling me stuff,
you're the only one
who asks me anything.
What's happening?
What do old people do for fun?
Well, my mother's pretty old,
she's 31...
and she likes
watching soap operas on TV.
No, no, I mean a lot older,
like Mrs. Hudson.
Oh, you mean over 40.
I don't think they have any fun.
Why?
I don't know, maybe it's a law.
What do they do then?
They hang out by the parks
and the museums.
What makes those places
so special?
They're free.
Ah.
What do they do at the park?
They feed the pigeons.
Hey, I got to go
in for my lesson.
Thanks for the information,
my man.
Any time.
What it was.
What it shall be.
One day.
Yeah.
( DOOR OPENING )
Hey, good lookin'.
Oh, Mindy's not in.
Who's Mindy?
I'm talking to you, brown eyes.
Oh.
Oh, why,
what can I do to help you?
Oh, you can walk up and down
my back in a flimsy kimono.
Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba!
Oh, why I don't even know
your name.
And besides,
my kimono's at the cleaners.
Oh, Shazbot.
But maybe you can
show me something
in an Ethiopian lip whistle.
A harmonica.
( LAUGHS ):
Oh, certainly.
Follow me.
Oh!
Whoa.
Must be jelly 'cause jam
don't shake like that.
Oh, uh, what key
would you like it in?
"Q."
Oh, we don't have it
in the key of "Q."
Well, then, you
pick one you like.
Uh, let's see, uh...
Uh, how about the key of "C"?
How about dinner?
Oh. ( GIGGLES )
Well, uh, ( CLEARS THROAT )
no, I'm having
Moo Goo spaghetti.
( GIGGLES ):
Or whatever.
Well, you see, I'm
pre-indisposed.
Oh, Cara Mia,
you're beautiful
when you're tongue-tied.
( GIGGLES )
Do you, uh, do you
know "Lady of Spain"?
Oh, is the Pope Polish?
Now that will be $5.29.
Oh.
$5.29.
Thank you.
Boy, I can remember
when these things used to be...
( CASH REGISTER RINGS )
I forget.
( HONKING BARK )
Would you like to
have that wrapped?
Oh, no thanks,
I'll play it here.
Oh.
How about you and me
blow this Popsicle stand?
Where are you going?
To the museum.
I've never been to the museum.
Oh, come along, sweet pea.
We can't keep
those statues waiting.
This time of year
the fig leaves begin to fall.
♪ Oh, we'd make
a peach of a pair, oh ♪
♪ I know you cantaloupe,
but oh, honeydew. ♪
( GIGGLING )
Oh, wait a minute.
Why, I don't even
know your name.
Uh, hah, ah, that's
a good question.
Um...
Hohner.
Bill C. Hohner.
Oh, how do you do,
Mr. Hohner?
My friends just call
me "Marine Man."
( GIGGLING )
On the way to the museum,
we'll stop by this
wonderful delicatessen
and pick up some munchettoes.
Oh, wonderful.
I'm starving.
Oh, not for us.
For the pigeons.
( BOTH LAUGHING )
( PLAYING GENTLE MELODY
ON HARMONICA )
Ah, Mindy,
our little girl is growing up.
Yes, soon
she'll be leaving the nest.
Really, you two are impossible.
Oh, us?
You're the one
that's been taking
the long lunch hours.
Yes, and I'd hate for your
granddaughter to find out
how late you've been rolling in
these past two nights.
Now, the museum closes at 9:00,
and I've been home by 10:00,
haven't I?
Yes, but the museum
is only four blocks away.
I want to know
what you've been doing
between 9:00 and 10:00, hmm?
Well, we're not exactly
spring chickens, you know.
We don't just
skip along the sidewalk.
Why are you being so
secretive about all this?
Well, I think a person
should keep
one's personal life personal.
Oh.
Who's the one
that always wants to know
every last detail
when I go on a date, hmm?
Right. Turnabout is fair play,
so tell us everything.
Yeah.
Well,
so far,
we have gone to the museum.
And...?
Uh-huh?
And to the park,
to feed the pigeons.
And what else have
you been doing?
Dad, she doesn't have
to answer that question.
Oh, that's all right, dear,
I'll answer him.
None of your business, Fredzo.
Isn't that nice,
she's back to normal.
Even if she is hiding something.
Well, I think it's wonderful.
You know, Grandma,
you've been like a new woman
these last few days.
Really?
Oh, absolutely.
And Mindy and I are dying
to meet the man
who's responsible.
Well, it just so happens
he's coming to take me to lunch.
Lunch?
Good grief, my chicken potpie.
You know, now I might not know
what I'm talking about,
but listen to your heart.
You know, sometimes when
you listen to your head,
logic gets in the way of things.
You're right...
you don't know
what you're talking about.
I know I'm meddling,
but I just want what's
right for you and Bill.
Oh, everything's fine dear.
Only there's something
about him.
Oh, I know, I know.
I feel the same way
about John Travolta.
No. No dear, what I mean is,
there's something kind of,
well, familiar about him.
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
Oh, that's probably Bill now.
I'll go get my coat.
Okay.
Oh, you must be Bill.
I'm Mindy, Cora's granddaughter.
Oh, charmed.
Oh.
Oh, Dad, this is Bill.
Take a hike.
( HONKING BARK )
Just kidding.
You know something?
You've made my mother-in-law
very happy.
Oh, yes, she's like a kid again,
and we really want
to thank you for that.
Oh, since I've made you both
so happy,
and you don't mind what's
happening between Cora and me,
I want to share with you
a little secret.
Nanu-Nanu.
Where did you hear that?
On Ork, I'm known as Mork.
( HONKING BARK )
I'm ready, Bill.
Did-did you have a nice chat?
Oh, yeah.
And I hope that-that Bill and I
get a chance to chat again.
Real soon.
Uh-oh.
Looks like I'm up the big
creek without locomotion.
( TELEVISION PLAYS QUIETLY )
( DOOR CLOSING )
Hold it right there, Casanova.
Casanova?
I've heard of supernova,
Chevy Nova, bossa nova...
( HONKING BARK )
And you're not going to get out
of this one by acting dumb.
But I wasn't acting.
Mrs. Hudson and I had
a wonderful time today.
We started off
by escorting a Boy Scout
across the street.
We had to drag him away
from his mother to do it.
Then we played chicken with kids
on skate boards.
Finally, we inched our way
up Main Street.
Backed up traffic all the way
to Utah.
We were real scamps.
Mork, how could you do such
a thing?
Oh, change my age?
With my Orkan age machine.
I set the controls for senile,
subtract two.
I'm not talking
about the mechanics
of what you did.
I want to know
why you did such
a horrible thing to Grandma.
How could it be horrible
when it makes her so happy?
She's only happy
because she thinks
that you are an old man.
But when I use my age machine,
I am an old man.
You're being unfair
to my grandmother.
How could it be unfair?
She was sad, I made her happy.
Therefore, how can
you call it unfair?
What if she falls in love
with you?
Now, you certainly aren't going
to marry her,
and that might break her heart.
Don't you see,
you could be doing more harm
than good?
Uh-oh.
Sudden realisation.
Mork the Good is
suddenly Mork the Bozo.
Better call a travel agent
and book a heavy guilt trip.
How could I do
such a dumb thing?
Oh, Mork,
your intentions were good.
Yeah, but there's a saying
on Ork.
"The road to Earth is paved
with good intentions."
I'm a real nimnul.
( NASALLY GROAN ) To my face!
But how can I
solve the problem, though?
Mrs. Hudson and I have a date
tomorrow night.
I guess you're
just going to have to break up.
I'm already pretty broken up
right now.
No. I mean,
you're going to have to tell her
that you're not going
to see her anymore.
Oh boy, and is that
going to be hard.
I think she really
likes that old man.
Eugene...
I thought you'd never get here.
What's up, Mork?
I need to ask your advice again.
I'll do the best I can,
but you got to understand,
I have my limitations.
I'm only ten years old.
You're the only one I can ask.
What about Dear Abby?
She knows everything.
I've read her advice, and
how can you trust a woman
who begins her letters,
"Dear Puzzled?"
Okay, lay it on me.
All right.
Let's say someone
likes you very much,
and you want to end
the relationship?
How do you do it?
Tell them to take a hike.
Oh. Effective,
but cruel.
How do you do it
if you don't want
to hurt their feelings?
Mork, there must be 50 ways
to leave your lover.
But I only need seven or eight.
Lay it on me, my main munchkin.
Well, one is,
you slip out the back, Jack.
All right.
"Slip back, Jack."
Make a new plan, Stan.
Uh... plan, Stan.
Just drop off the key, Lee.
Key Lee? Oh,
Chinese wisdom.
( SPEAKING CHINESE )
And get yourself free.
Munchkin, you are wise
beyond your height.
Well, one thing
you got to remember:
Don't let those chicks
railroad you into anything.
Yes.
Funny planet,
where chickens run the railroad.
Boy, I certainly hope
Mork can bring this off.
Oh, I know he can do it.
I just hope he doesn't
break Grandma's heart.
Mmm, Bill isn't here yet.
No.
Well, you look very
nice tonight, Cora.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, your hair looks so pretty.
Uh, I just washed it.
( LAUGHTER, KNOCK AT DOOR )
Oh, that must be Bill.
I-I'll get that.
Ah.
Oh, hello.
Guacamole, Señorita.
Uh, none for you
until you pluck your hand.
( LAUGHS )
Oh, hello, Bill.
Oh, sweet one.
You better make this good.
No pressure.
Um, well, I, uh, guess
I'll go, uh, practice
my trombone solo.
I'll help.
Yeah. Here, Bill,
come on, sit down.
Oh.
Oh, aren't those lovely!
Thank you.
Um...
Uh, Bill...
There's something I want to...
There's something I have to s...
( LAUGHS ) Psychic.
Yes, age before beauty.
No, no. Pearls before swine.
Oh, go ahead.
Oh. Kay-o.
Cora, there's something
I have to say to you,
and I'll try and make it
as quick and painless
as possible.
The-The painless is easy.
At my age,
the quick is the hard part.
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
Mm.
Cora, after
careful consideration,
I've decided to slip
out my back, Jackson.
Which is to say,
I'm going
to make a new plan, Chuck.
Which includes dropping off
the key.
In summation,
I'm going to get myself free.
What I'm trying to say,
Cora, is,
this is hello.
I-I haven't understood a word
you just said.
I should have asked him
for the other 46 ways.
Never mind.
Come and sit down,
because it's my turn to talk.
Oh.
Now, first of all,
I want to thank you
for helping me
through a very rough time.
Oh, rough time?
About...
8:10.
Oh.
And the other thing
I want to tell you is,
I know who you are, Mork.
Shazbot!
How did you find me out?
Oh, come on.
If you were really old,
the Kay-o would have been
followed by a pectate.
I'm-I'm a real nimnul then.
Oh no, you're not.
You're wonderful.
( LAUGHS )
I really began to suspect
that day we went to the museum.
Remember that piece of art work
that you liked?
Oh, yes. That lovely
metallic sculpture.
Mm-hmm.
That was an air conditioner.
Oh.
And then last night
when we were lost,
you asked directions
from a pine tree.
Oh. He got us
there, didn't he?
( LAUGHS )
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
But only Mork
could do those things.
Oh.
Well, I-I guess you
don't like me anymore.
Oh, well, how can you say that?
Of course I like you.
Why, I-I like you more
than ever.
Don't you realise you...
you snapped me out
of a blue funk?
You've made me realise
that I-I have a family
that-that cares about me, and...
and a good job, and-and lots
of friends of all ages.
I'll always be your
friend, Mrs. Hudson.
( LAUGHS )
Why don't you call me Grandma?
Kay-o, and hold the pectate.
( LAUGHS )
But you know, there's one thing
that still bothers me.
Last night
when I tweaked your cheek,
I did it
to see
if you were wearing make-up.
And you weren't.
It's as if you really have
become an old man.
Temporarily, I am.
Oh, no, no.
There's no way on Earth
you could do that.
You're beginning
to get the idea.
Cora, there's something
I have to tell you,
and you better take
this one sitting down.
Okay.
( SQUEAKS ): Oh!
Cora, I have to
tell you something
'cause I respect you,
'cause you're getting too
close to hide it anymore.
I'm from another planet.
( HIGH-PITCHED EERIE HUMMING )
I'm an alien being.
Nanu.
Do you want
to hear something weird?
Lay it on me.
I believe you.
( HIGH-PITCHED ):
Aha!
Oh. Why, I should have known
when you...
when you carved our initials
on that tree
with-with your finger.
I can drink with
the sucker, too!
Oh, what a relief.
You know, ever since
you moved in with Mindy,
I was seeing things that,
well, made me think
my mind was going.
But now, well, of course,
it's so simple.
A man from outer space.
You accept it so easily.
Most people just look
at me and say, "Bull!"
( HIGH-PITCHED UTTERANCE )
Oh, Mork, I've been around
a long time.
I've seen the age
of the automobile
and radio and talking movies,
and I've seen a man walk
on the moon.
Me, too.
Well, if we can go there,
there's no reason
you can't come here.
Then I can return back
to my normal age,
and you'll still be my friend?
Oh, of course.
Let's shake.
( GOOFY GROWLING )
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
( LAUGHS )
But there's one other thing,
Mork.
If you can make yourself old,
could you make another person
young?
No.
Shazbot!
( HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH )
( LAUGHTER )
Mork calling Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Ziz, bah, ziz, bah, ziz, bah...
ORSON:
What are you doing?
Push-downs.
It's a common form
of Earth exercise.
Here's another one.
We must, we must,
we must build up the bust.
Why this sudden
interest in exercise?
Well, I aged myself.
I'm still a little stiff.
You aged yourself?
That's a cheap way
to get respect.
Oh, it's different here, Orson.
Here the young people get
all the attention.
What do young people know?
They don't have the experience.
That doesn't make sense.
Oh. I don't understand it
myself.
Everything else here gets
more valuable as it gets older...
wine, cheese, furniture, coins.
Everything except people.
Here they ignore
their ancient ones, Orson.
They don't do anything
nice for them?
Well, they do one nice thing.
They fix their income.
But why do they treat
their elders like that?
Unlike us, as they get older,
their bodies fall into a state
of disrepair.
The first thing
to go is their hearing.
What?
( LOUDER ):
The first thing to go is their hearing.
Why is that, Mork?
Well, I have a theory
about that.
I feel it's because
no one asks them anything.
Such a waste.
This is Mork, signing off
until next week.
Nanu-Nanu.