Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 5, Episode 4 - Plastic Fantastic Lovers - full transcript
The agency is asked by a man who had failed plastic surgery to found out if his operation was a deliberate act of sabotage. Maddie goes undercover to the surgeon to find out what happened. Meanwhile, David works on the receptionist.
Oh, my God.
-Miss Hayes.
-What?
-Never mind.
-Agnes.
-Yes, Miss Hayes.
-What is it?
Nothing, I wondered if you had
a moment, but you don't, that's fine.
I do. I'm sorry. Please come in.
I didn't mean to snap at you.
-Do you know anything about phones?
-I know everything about phones.
I can't make head or tail
of this cellular that David bought.
I don't know anything
about those phones.
Nowadays, you have to have a degree
in computers to set your clock back.
To turn your alarm on,
to make a phone call.
-I know.
-And do you know why?
-I don't know.
-Men.
Men?
They're all little boys
on one big search for the ultimate toy.
I know.
-You know the worst part of it is?
-I don't know.
We have to share the same toy box.
I know.
David decides to have this
cellular phone for stakeouts...
...but do I want one?
-I don't know.
-No. Do I know how to use one?
-I don't know.
-No. Can I figure it out?
No.
Of course I can figure it out.
-But do I have the time or interest?
-No?
Right. And whose problem is that?
-Is that his problem?
-No.
Mine! I have to learn how to use this
because he has to have his toys.
-Because they're all the same.
-Who?
Men. What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
-Men.
-You too?
Agnes...
...is that a rash?
No, but I wish it were.
A rash is an act of nature,
like hives.
But this? This is an act of Burt.
-It is.
-Stubble burn.
Oh, Miss Hayes,
I'm so happy to hear you say that.
You know how this feels?
it's happened to you?
All the time. Well, not all the time,
but I know how you feel.
You don't know what that means to me,
knowing that I can come to you.
Miss Hayes, can we speak frankly?
Of course, Agnes.
Because you're my boss,
I tend to think of you as my boss.
But at a time like this,
it makes me feel really good...
...to also know that I can think
of you as a sister.
Oh, Agnes, that's wonderful.
Honestly, I feel the same way
about you.
Oh, this is such a load off my mind.
I've been dragging this beard burn
around for days.
I haven't been able to talk to a soul.
Burt just tunes me out.
Even my mother doesn't understand.
Dad never had any body hair.
So I decided to come to you
because I know you'll help.
I'd be happy to, Agnes...
...but what do you
want me to do exactly?
Nothing.
It's just enough knowing
that you agree with me.
So now I can tell Burt...
...that you don't like having your
pantyhose shredded anymore than I do.
Hey, I know you two
are getting all highly and giggly...
-...but you gotta check this guy out.
-What guy?
I don't know. I called him Kooky,
he didn't seem to mind.
Popped in here while you two
are having your knitting bee.
Is this guy a specimen or what?
-What does he want?
-He brought a video.
-He wants us to take a look-see.
-What is it?
From what I can gather,
his boss wants to retain our services.
Wow, video clients, a new frontier.
Yeah.
But progress is not without
its downside, Miss Di Pesto.
Why, someday you, me, Miss Hayes,
we may all be replaced by holograms.
-We may?
-I think it's very possible.
Maybe we'd ask him in to talk.
Kooky? I already tried.
Cat's got his tongue.
You can see
the scratch marks on his face.
The way I figure it is,
his boss is your Howard Hughes type.
Pads around the compound
with Kleenex boxes on his feet.
Stores his precious bodily fluids
in mayonnaise jars.
It's a "yechy" world, Agnes.
Maybe the person he works for
is just shy.
Could be, but my guess is...
...he likes to stay home
boiling his own underwear.
Watching old reruns of Hee Haw,
while his vast network of operatives...
...is like Kooky out there
run his empire of weirdness.
Well, busy, busy, busy.
-That rug burn Agnes is sporting?
-That's none of your business.
Oh, you could be right.
Why, you know,
I like this case already.
-We don't know what we're asked to do.
-Makes it more interesting.
I am so sorry.
Let's go to the video tape.
Take it easy, big fellow.
Agnes, see if Kooky here wants
cream and sugar in his formaldehyde.
Get a load of this.
"What you are about to see
is the truth.
For reasons that you will
soon understand...
...I have decided to spare us both
the discomfort of a personal meeting.
Once you have viewed the tape,
blah, blah, blah--
The utmost confidence.
Yours truly, Leslie Hunziger."
-Hot Sushi Girls.
-That doggone Fast Eddie.
Every time I take the machine in
this happens.
Probably uses this tape
to test the stop action.
How could she eat raw fish?
It's red snapper.
An acquired taste.
David.
What are those two
doing to each other?
So finally, the truth comes out.
You little closet kinkoid, you.
You're a normal,
red-blooded American male...
...but the slightest glimmer
of interest from a woman...
...and I'm a "kinkoid"?
Vixen, you. You minx.
Men. You wanna put us on a pedestal
or down in the gutter.
That way we can look up your dress
or down your blouse.
Start the tape.
My name is Leslie Hunziger.
Bazooka Joe.
What I do for a living
doesn't matter...
...nor do the details
of my so-called existence.
What does matter as far as you
and this case are concerned...
...is that thanks to faulty
cosmetic surgery, I am a monster.
-Why'd you do that?
-I don't think this is our case.
-I wanna hear this man out.
-No, you don't.
Don't tell me what I don't wanna do.
Three years ago,
I had plastic surgery.
I believed it would make me
look younger...
...more appealing to my wife.
I'd been warned that the procedure
I was to undergo...
...was highly experimental.
But the potential benefits...
...the restoration of my face
to its former youth...
...was simply too tempting to resist.
Be a good time to go to lunch.
What, you one of them shushers?
One of them people that a guy nine
rows away whispers to his girlfriend...
-...you shush him?
-David, please be quiet.
This man's in pain
and he needs our help.
...gifted in this field was unable
to repair his own mistakes.
The great Dr. Brill had failed...
...and now, thanks to his technique...
...I'm a prisoner in my own house...
...reviled by family and friends...
...set apart forever
from the rest of humanity.
A dreadful mistake?
Perhaps.
But there are reasons known
only to myself..
...that caused me
to believe otherwise.
Why is he wearing
them white gloves--?
Now, what I want from you
is concrete evidence...
...that this condition
is a direct result...
...of willful, preventable malpractice.
I'm willing to share a portion
of the settlement...
...along with your usual fee.
But the reason I am doing this...
...is to make sure
that no one ever has to suffer...
...as I have suffered.
I want that scalpel out
of this man's hands.
I want justice.
That's a sad story.
Yeah, right up there
with "Boy eats other foot, slays self."
Why are you against this case?
Because I don't think
it's our cup of tea.
-Why is that?
-it's unromantic.
There's no spurned lover, no jealous
husband, no obsessive mistress.
This is an ordinary run-of-the-mill
botched-surgery victim.
-You know what I think?
-Usually.
I think this hits you where it hurts:
your vanity.
-My what?
-You heard me.
This from a woman
who used to primp?
David, it's all right, it's fine.
Everybody has something
that sets their teeth on edge.
With you, it's your face.
With me, it's contact lenses.
Putting anything in my eye
makes me squeamish.
It's gonna take more than some clown
with a dickey to make me squeamish.
-So we'll take the case.
-Fine.
-What was that?
-Still got eyes, a nose, and a mouth?
-I'm touching up my makeup.
-I'm the one who's vain.
-Forget I said anything.
-You called me vain.
-I'm not gonna forget that.
-Okay, David, sorry.
But why wouldn't you
wanna help Mr. Hunziger?
Hunziger. I'm not saying he deserved
what he got, but he asked for it.
Don't you have any compassion
for what he's been through?
Yeah, but this
could 've been prevented...
...if he hadn't started
rearranging the bone structure.
Wives do it for husbands all the time.
Last I heard, you took somebody
for richer, poorer, sickness, health...
-...gorgeous or ugly.
-You'd feel different...
-...if you hadn't lucked out in the face.
-You don't stop clocks yourself.
My point is,
it's normal for a person...
...to want to make themselves
more attractive to people.
Within reason.
Take garters and stockings,
do women enjoy wearing them?
-Now we're serious.
-They're draughty, time-consuming.
I have yet to meet a man who
doesn't drool at the thought of them.
-Gets a rise out of me.
-Exactly.
I have several hundred dollars worth
I'd rather not wear.
I like my blondes on the half shell.
-But you get my point.
-You made your point.
Women dress up, fiddle with this,
f addle with that. Makeup, wigs.
When nothing short of Spackle
will cover the damage...
-...they go for a tuck.
-And men don't?
There's a difference
between girls and boys.
Unfortunately,
Father Time plays favorites.
Listen, you're gonna have your share
of pouches and wrinkles too.
That's right, character, baby.
Harvard.
Good school.
Didn't get into Yale.
So, what can we do for you?
Well...
...I don't know exactly.
I'm not sure why I'm here.
I guess I'm afraid of getting old.
-Not exactly a new story.
-No.
But I'd love to hear
your version of it.
Would you like to take a seat?
What are you afraid of exactly?
Well, you know,
when you're young...
...you can't imagine
anything being different...
...but then--
Well, I guess
I'm just used to all eyes being on me.
In your case,
most of the cameras as well.
It's my job to know faces.
Particularly, the beautiful ones.
Thank you.
I've had women patients
come in here...
...with your magazine covers,
pleading:
"Make me look like
the Blue Moon Shampoo Girl."
-Really?
-I had to let them down easy.
They don't teach you that,
even at Yale.
Well, I'm flattered, but that was then.
This is now.
Let's have a look.
-Hi.
-May I help you?
I'm here from Harum-Scarum
Drapery Cleaning...
...about the estimate.
This pretty much explains
male pattern baldness...
...and describes some of the medical
options available.
-What's that?
-We don't have drapes, just blinds.
It's okay.
You'd be surprised how many guys
come in here feeling a little awkward...
...but I wouldn't worry if I were you.
You've got a great look.
-You think so?
-Personally, I prefer a high forehead.
Yeah. It has been linked
to higher intelligence...
...and a higher level of male hormones
in the bloodstream.
An old wives tale,
but you've got a great look.
The doctor is with a patient
right now.
If you'd like a consultation,
he has an opening after lunch.
Maybe I'll just thumb
through the brochure for a minute.
You know where I can get
a sandwich around here?
There's a little place
across the street.
-Would you like to join me?
-I'm brown-bagging it today.
We could have a luncheon for two
on the grass.
Wouldn't be very professional of me.
It's not good for your digestion
to eat alone.
-Are you hitting on me?
-Yeah.
Well, you know what they say.
Men age better than women.
-Who says that?
-A friend.
-He's dead wrong.
-I didn't say it was a man.
Only a man
would say something so stupid.
Each stage of a woman's life
is a different season.
Each beautiful in its own way.
You're saying I'm approaching
the winter of my discontent.
You've got nothing to worry about.
Besides, the French say
that a woman under 30...
...is like an unripe peach.
Are you saying
I have to move to France?
No. Our culture treats aging
as if it were some kind of illness...
...instead of the natural course of life.
We think if we take enough vitamins,
or do enough exercise...
...or glop on enough face cream,
we can stave off the inevitable.
What I am saying is...
...that we should spend less time
avoiding life...
...and more time living it.
A comedian? I knew it.
I had a feeling.
Do bears bear, do bees bee?
That's funny.
It's some new material
I've been working on.
Really? I'd love to come
see your act sometime.
Well, next time I'm working...
...I'll get passes for you
and your boyfriend.
-I don't have a boyfriend.
-Really?
Well, I'm very surprised.
You are a really pretty girl.
You'd be the girl that'd be
walking down some runway...
...showing off somebody's
fall fashions.
Thanks, but I haven't always looked
the way I look right now.
-Like this.
-I didn't always look this way either.
I used to be three-feet tall
and have freckles and a cowlick.
No. I mean,
up until a couple of years ago...
...before I went to work for Dr. Brill...
...a guy like you wouldn't have
given me a second look.
I was invisible.
You block out the light
in a much more interesting way now.
You're so funny.
I never thought
I would be any different.
And Dr. Brill
came into the deli one day.
I used to workin a deli.
He ordered three-bean salad.
I gave him a discount
because it only had two beans.
He took a number.
And all the time he's waiting,
he was looking at me.
When it was his turn, he said...
...a pound of pastrami, and would I
like to be a different person?
I thought he had a couple
of cocktails for lunch.
-So he did some work on you?
-A little.
You ever seen those statues
by Michelangelo?
Those great looking guys
blasted out of hunks of rock?
Nipped, snipped,
tucked, sculpted, tailored.
One hundred percent man-made.
-Dr. Brill.
-Made me into his fantasy.
Well, it's not a bad fantasy.
Thanks.
He raised my right eye,
lowered my left.
New ears, fixed my jaw.
Give me two bosoms
I can really be proud of.
Sure as hell can rip your heart
into a million pieces.
You and he were an item.
"Were" being the operative word.
-You know her?
-Not exactly.
She's a patient.
Dr. Brill's latest creation.
I'd like to kill her.
Use her body for spare parts.
So, what's the diagnosis?
Beautiful.
Seriously...
...I'm good, but sometimes
God comes along...
...and puts me in my place.
I wouldn't dream of jeopardising that
with something so clumsy as surgery.
-I don't believe it.
-You better believe it.
-Well, I don't, it's impossible.
-No.
Twenty two episodes a season
is impossible.
But Brill playing doctor with his
girl patients is not only possible...
...but it's walking towards us.
How do we know she's a patient
and not a friend?
He puts his trademark
where her bellybutton ought to be.
Nurse Saundra is telling the truth?
Why would she lie?
Two or three times a week...
...this dreamboat comes
for an appointment.
After, she and the doctor slip across
to the hotel for a little hidey-ho.
See how his handiwork
holds up in the field.
She's not the only one
he does this with.
I can't believe that man
could act so unethically.
Well, apparently, he uses his practise
to make his very own party dolls.
Dr. Brill.
Two twenty-one?
Excuse me.
-May I help you?
-Yeah, I'd like a room, please?
Room 837.
Do you got anything a little lower?
I'm afraid of heights.
-Room 108.
-Can I have something with a view?
-Room 213.
-Thirteen?
Are you kidding? I'm superstitious.
How about room 222?
Two is my lucky number.
No, I'm sorry that room's reserved.
Maybe you could give them
room 213.
They're probably not
as nervous as I am.
See, you start out
watching Hot Sushi Girls.
Next thing you know,
you're a degenerate.
David, I can't hear
what they're saying.
That was a moan.
Followed by a groan,
followed by a high-pitched bark.
David, he's saying something.
Something about something's
not round enough, but he can fix it.
-I'm gonna be sick.
-Watch the threads.
He's talking about that woman
like she's putty.
She was put on Earth for one thing:
his personal amusement.
-I can't believe I bought in this weirdo.
-He's trying to get you to trust him.
Can you imagine the unnecessary
surgery he'd have tried to push on me?
Bet you 5 bucks it'd involve...
-...a radical panty-ectomy.
-Panty-ectomy?
Have you prepped for surgery
Iickety-split.
I can't understand it.
I'm usually a better judge of character.
Don't give yourself credit.
You were involved
with Dave-a-roony for a minute.
As vile and low as you are,
that man is viler and much lower.
You have no idea
what it does for my self-esteem.
Let's go to the office.
I'll go and tell Hunziger
his case looks promising.
Wait a minute, what's the rush?
The room is paid for.
Somebody else has gotta clean
the sheets.
David, forget what I just said.
You and the doctor
are in a dead heat.
-Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.
-Do it. Do it. Do it.
-Shave it off.
-Shut up, people, please?
This is hard enough
without a Greek chorus.
This isn't about them. it's about us.
Right.
-What's the point of my doing this?
-Just do it, Burt.
Agnes, I'm sorry, one doesn't simply
slice off a part of one's anatomy...
...without being absolutely clear
as to the reasons.
Please, for me.
Right.
For us.
O'Neal, Jurgenson.
O'Neal, Jurgenson.
Off the desk and into a corner.
I think the rest of us can forget
about recess for the next two weeks.
Miss Di Pesto, what is going on?
Miss Hayes,
it's not really their fault.
No, Agnes.
This is a personal matter
between us.
Radical look, chief.
Wanna fill me in?
Well, sir, the situation is pretty much
as it appears.
I was just about to bid sayonara
to my beard.
-I thought you liked your beard.
-I do.
I'm very attached to my beard.
I love my beard.
Then why the big shave?
Well, that's why, sir,
because I do love it.
And by shaving it off,
I'm proving something to Agnes.
That I'm willing to sacrifice something
important to me for her sake.
Mr. Viola,
do you want to shave your beard?
No.
Then you mustn't for Agnes
or me or anyone else.
-But this morning--
-I know what I said, Agnes.
Some things are more important
than pantyhose.
Miss Hayes is right.
We can't give up control of our bodies,
even if it makes someone happy.
It starts with a shave.
Next thing you know, you're looking
at the world through a dickey.
-Sir?
-Trust me, don't shave.
Now, Miss Hayes and I...
...have some extremely
important business to attend to.
I wonder why Mr. Hunziger insisted
we come to the house?
I don't know. Do you get the feeling
they might have it backyards?
That somebody might answer the door
and say trick or treat?
Kooky, my good man,
is the count in?
I believe he's expecting us--
I generally don't dance with men.
In your case, I may make an exception.
We talked to Mr. Hunziger.
He asked us to come.
-I'm sure if you checked.
-it's all right.
Please, show our guests
into the parlour.
Now we know why failed science
projects never lived in tract homes.
Welcome.
I hope I haven't inconvenienced you
by having you come by.
No, no trouble at all.
We were just out
getting our dog spayed.
Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes,
I don't mind telling you...
...how impressed I am
with your diligence in this matter.
I've wanted to meet you face-to-face,
or an approximation thereof.
At any rate, I hope you'll accept
my apology for this contrivance.
I'm sure you'll understand
the necessity, however.
-Well, of course.
-Yeah, we saw the movie.
What my partner is trying to say is
we understand your predicament.
My predicament.
Language is remarkable, isn't it?
A wealth of euphemisms
at our disposal...
...to insulate us
from life's less pleasant realities.
Oh, you're far too polite to say so,
of course...
...but the fact is, I am a mutant...
...a freak.
Did he say mutant?
Mr. Hunziger,
please don't say those things.
Miss Hayes, please,
your pity only adds to my burden.
Now, what about Dr. Brill?
I'm sorry. I'm being rude.
Won't you sit down?
Well, as I said on the telephone...
...Dr. Brill puts most of his time
and energy into these women.
Most of his patients
are 90 percent female.
Timing.
So my deformity...
...is little more than
a vaguely unpleasant afterthought...
...in Dr. Brill's mind.
An experiment that went wrong,
while he pursues his true passion.
Well, it's good to see you kept
your sense of humour about it.
Leslie.
Oh, excuse me,
I didn't realise you had company.
I don't believe you've met my wife.
What are we gonna do?
We can't hide out in the bathroom.
-I guess a bath is out of the question.
-He's gonna think...
-...we flushed ourselves down the toilet.
-That's one way out.
I don't know how to tell that man
that his wife is cheating on him...
...with the same doctor
who ruined his face.
Liberace soap. Think he'll miss one?
-David.
-You want me to talk to him?
I just don't know how to give this guy
any more bad news.
After all he's been through,
it seems so cruel.
Well, he paid us for the truth.
Because it happens to be cruel,
doesn't mean it's not true.
-You better go there and do the deed.
-Me?
-You.
-We just decided on you.
You're much better
at breaking hearts.
You're worried about me
putting my foot in my mouth.
You'll do fine. As a matter of fact,
why don't I wait in the bathroom?
Forget it. You're the one who got me
into this Corman movie.
We'll both go and tell him,
but I just feel terrible.
That poor man, it's gonna kill him.
Wonderful.
Look, maybe you didn't hear us right.
We said your wife is having an affair.
Oh, it was only a matter of time.
Michelle is not a woman
who's going to let her needs go unmet.
It would be unreasonable
and naive of me to think otherwise.
After all, a man with no lips
can hardly kiss his wife.
But the man she's seeing is Dr. Brill.
Well, it's all the more delicious.
My case is now totally solid.
He ruined me, then he stole my wife.
What judge could possibly
find him innocent?
I'll make millions.
Wait, what about this justice
you were talking about...
-...on the video tape you gave us?
-Miss Hayes.
There are two things in this world
that man can't get enough of:
Beautiful women and money.
Since the former is no longer
within my grasp...
...I've developed a taste
for the latter.
I'll take his cash,
he can have all the women he wants.
Justice.
Sounds more like revenge to me.
A fine line between
reparation and revenge.
We'll let the jury decide that,
but now we need evidence.
I want you to take photographs
of my wife and that man. Colour.
The more graphic, the more persuasive
they'll bein court.
Follow them.
Document everything that they do.
And, oh, yes and we'll need
some sound recordings and videotape.
Mr. Hunziger, I'm not certain we're the
right people to continue on this case.
Because of what I am,
my predicament, as you say...
...this must seem all the more ugly.
But if you believe
that I've been wronged by this man...
...you'll continue your investigation.
Do you want matte or glossy finish?
David, why don't you just go up
to her door...
...and offer to drive Hunziger
to their tryst?
Car pool would be
the civic-minded to do.
-What time is it?
-8:10.
Well, she better leave soon
if she expects to keep her alibi.
Curtains usually go up
around 8:30.
You know you got to hand it
to Bazooka Joe.
Old lady's there
getting gussied up for her group.
Brill and the missus are costars
in our own private one-act play.
Lot of self-control.
I wish we hadn't taken this case.
You're the one that wanted
to help Bazooka Joe.
I did. I do...
...but doing this
gives me the creeps.
Well, at least it ain't the willies.
You're never right
after a case of the willies.
At least we realise how superficial
everything is. Skin deep.
This is Los Angeles.
David.
Well, she's certainly got the Speckle
in all the right places.
I didn't know they made legs
like that anymore.
David, what if I didn't look like me
and you didn't look like you?
Have to wear carnations
to spot each other.
No, when I first walked into your office,
what did you think?
You were high-strung,
overdressed, over-bred.
Had a hairdo from another century.
The most drop dead gorgeous
broad...
...I'd ever seen in my real life.
I knew there was a compliment
somewhere in there.
But the point is, what if I weighed twice
as much and was half as tall?
Probably mistake you
for a filing cabinet.
We're sneaking after this bombshell.
She's sneaking out on her husband
because she doesn't like his looks.
I'd say that adequately
summarised the plot thus far, yes.
If I wasn't a finalist in a pageant,
you wouldn't give me the time of day.
I can't help liking
what I wake up next to.
A reason which has nothing to do
with a person's soul.
Notice how it's always rich people
who tell you money doesn't matter?
I've seen your boyfriends.
It ain't like the spaceman's
ever gonna be confused with a horse.
-Neither are you.
-I rest my case.
But I don't need to look like this.
I mean, I like to think...
...that because I know who I am inside,
it wouldn't matter how I look.
I don't think you'd like...
...walking around with your organs
on the outside.
What'd you do if you didn't have
that mug to hide behind?
Probably rifle the drawers
of this blond filing cabinet I know.
Let's give her a minute to slip out
of that mini and into a paper gown.
-Could you not grab--
-David.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
-Maddie.
-What?
You think he's okay?
For the family album.
-Hey.
-I don't think so, David.
Yeah, hold this.
Frosty.
What are you doing?
Me and the missus
just came down from Bakersfield.
We heard tell there's a human
pincushion in these parts.
We come to the right place,
Mildred.
Who are you?
We're detectives
hired by your husband.
A lot of anger for one so petite.
He ruined my husband's life,
my marriage...
...but I fell in love with Simon
anyway.
You have any idea how that made
me feel? Betraying my husband...
-...for the man who butchered him?
-Bad?
I hated myself.
I couldn't help it.
Simon made me feel like
the most beautiful woman in the world.
Odd way of showing your gratitude.
I saw him this afternoon.
He said it was over,
that he'd found someone else.
Someone younger.
Barely 20.
Said her skin would be easier
to work with.
That she'd be his greatest creation.
I found him sleeping.
I didn't want him to wake up.
Since I'm going to be spending
the rest of my life in prison...
...I'll put these scalpels
to good use.
Hold it, Mrs. Hunziger.
He's already cold
and you just got here.
You didn't kill him.
Damn.
-You could have hurt somebody.
-Sorry.
I had to straight shot
down the corridor into the office.
I didn't know anybody was in there,
except for the doctor.
-He's dead.
-Dead?
Yeah. I got him right in that little
caraway seed he calls a heart.
Hey, listen,
we can make it look like a robbery.
We can make it look like someone
was after pills or syringes.
What do you think?
Hi, Maddie.
This is Nurse Saundra.
The girl I was telling you about.
I'm sure the pleasure's all David's.
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news...
...but somebody already got
to your boss.
-Dead?
-Really dead.
-Not of this Earth.
-Damn.
Look, more scalpels.
-You killed him.
-Wait a minute.
-You killed him.
-Take it easy. She didn't do it.
Well, somebody had to have done it.
I'm sorry.
I was looking for Brill.
I've seen this movie.
All right, Bazooka Joe,
put down the land shark.
Stay where you are.
Miss Hayes, I'd like to thank you
for bringing me to my senses.
Great move, Goldilocks.
You made me reevaluate
my rather limited notion of justice.
But, Mr. Hunziger--
Justice would be served
by my being the judge and the jury.
Hey, you don't understand.
No court on Earth would convict me
of 1st degree murder.
And since I'm already virtually
a recluse in my own home--
He's already dead.
A short stint in jail...
...would be more than worthwhile
to see Brill stacked like cordwood.
-Speaking of the doctor--
-He's dead.
-What?
-He's dead.
Rats.
Who deprived me of my last pleasure
on Earth?
Wait a minute.
Kooky, you didn't kill Dr. Brill,
did you?
-Oh, no.
-The butler did it?
The butler did it?
That man in there
ruined the only face...
...that ever looked up at me
and smiled...
...and really meant it.
I loved that face.
Come on out of the closet, Kooky.
Hey.
Let him go.
-I'm afraid we can't do that.
-I'm afraid you'll have to.
Here, hold this.
Wait.
Watch it, chop-top.
Get rid of that thing, will you?
Oh, Kooky.
Go ahead.
Real face place.
Kooky.
Come out, come out
wherever you are.
See anything you like?
David, why would anybody
wanna pick a nose like that?
Not anatomically correct!
D-cup!
Are you okay?
Oh, get down. Oh, look out.
Think we got him?
I think not.
Get his attention.
I'll sneak behind him.
-How am I gonna do that?
-Like this.
One, two, three.
Liposuction!
You could lose 170 pounds fast.
No, thanks, Kooky,
diet and exercise. That's the key.
Diet and exercise.
Don't call me Kooky.
Think thin, Addison.
Nice work, circus girl.
Let me tell you about love, Kooky.
It's all the same.
Natural, unnatural,
no matter how bizarre.
It's all the same.
It doesn't matter
what's on the outside.
It's right here, you see?
What's on the inside.
Trust, compassion, the soul.
That's what it's all about.
Being there
for that special someone.
Am I right, Maddie?
Yes, David.
I knew I was right.
All right, move it.
Call me.
You'll enjoy prison. Lots of discipline,
get to wear uniform.
I'm glad this cases is over. All those
weirdoes give me the heebie-jeebs.
Saundra gave me her number.
You mean you're not gonna call her?
I don't think so.
She certainly was one keen
polystyrene dream though.
I can't see going out with somebody
that wasn't biodegradable.
My, my: my'
Even David Addison has
to get standards sooner or later.
Well, I'm older, wiser.
It's not too late to go out
for some Pink's Hot Dogs.
What do you say?
Can I take a rain cheque?
This is beauty night.
Nails to paint, hair to condition,
iron to pump.
Girl's gotta take care
of what she' s got.
-What you got looks pretty good.
-Oh, David.
You really think so
after all these years?
Drop dead gorgeous.
And not just on the outside,
in here.
Did you know that 90 percent
of the accidents...
...that happen in the home,
happen while you're naked?
-Really?
-Yeah.
Household safety, Maddie.
You need somebody to spot you.
-In the shower?
-Well, one can never be too cautious.
And in case you need somebody
to wash your back ....
David.
I won't look, I promise.
-Miss Hayes.
-What?
-Never mind.
-Agnes.
-Yes, Miss Hayes.
-What is it?
Nothing, I wondered if you had
a moment, but you don't, that's fine.
I do. I'm sorry. Please come in.
I didn't mean to snap at you.
-Do you know anything about phones?
-I know everything about phones.
I can't make head or tail
of this cellular that David bought.
I don't know anything
about those phones.
Nowadays, you have to have a degree
in computers to set your clock back.
To turn your alarm on,
to make a phone call.
-I know.
-And do you know why?
-I don't know.
-Men.
Men?
They're all little boys
on one big search for the ultimate toy.
I know.
-You know the worst part of it is?
-I don't know.
We have to share the same toy box.
I know.
David decides to have this
cellular phone for stakeouts...
...but do I want one?
-I don't know.
-No. Do I know how to use one?
-I don't know.
-No. Can I figure it out?
No.
Of course I can figure it out.
-But do I have the time or interest?
-No?
Right. And whose problem is that?
-Is that his problem?
-No.
Mine! I have to learn how to use this
because he has to have his toys.
-Because they're all the same.
-Who?
Men. What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?
-Men.
-You too?
Agnes...
...is that a rash?
No, but I wish it were.
A rash is an act of nature,
like hives.
But this? This is an act of Burt.
-It is.
-Stubble burn.
Oh, Miss Hayes,
I'm so happy to hear you say that.
You know how this feels?
it's happened to you?
All the time. Well, not all the time,
but I know how you feel.
You don't know what that means to me,
knowing that I can come to you.
Miss Hayes, can we speak frankly?
Of course, Agnes.
Because you're my boss,
I tend to think of you as my boss.
But at a time like this,
it makes me feel really good...
...to also know that I can think
of you as a sister.
Oh, Agnes, that's wonderful.
Honestly, I feel the same way
about you.
Oh, this is such a load off my mind.
I've been dragging this beard burn
around for days.
I haven't been able to talk to a soul.
Burt just tunes me out.
Even my mother doesn't understand.
Dad never had any body hair.
So I decided to come to you
because I know you'll help.
I'd be happy to, Agnes...
...but what do you
want me to do exactly?
Nothing.
It's just enough knowing
that you agree with me.
So now I can tell Burt...
...that you don't like having your
pantyhose shredded anymore than I do.
Hey, I know you two
are getting all highly and giggly...
-...but you gotta check this guy out.
-What guy?
I don't know. I called him Kooky,
he didn't seem to mind.
Popped in here while you two
are having your knitting bee.
Is this guy a specimen or what?
-What does he want?
-He brought a video.
-He wants us to take a look-see.
-What is it?
From what I can gather,
his boss wants to retain our services.
Wow, video clients, a new frontier.
Yeah.
But progress is not without
its downside, Miss Di Pesto.
Why, someday you, me, Miss Hayes,
we may all be replaced by holograms.
-We may?
-I think it's very possible.
Maybe we'd ask him in to talk.
Kooky? I already tried.
Cat's got his tongue.
You can see
the scratch marks on his face.
The way I figure it is,
his boss is your Howard Hughes type.
Pads around the compound
with Kleenex boxes on his feet.
Stores his precious bodily fluids
in mayonnaise jars.
It's a "yechy" world, Agnes.
Maybe the person he works for
is just shy.
Could be, but my guess is...
...he likes to stay home
boiling his own underwear.
Watching old reruns of Hee Haw,
while his vast network of operatives...
...is like Kooky out there
run his empire of weirdness.
Well, busy, busy, busy.
-That rug burn Agnes is sporting?
-That's none of your business.
Oh, you could be right.
Why, you know,
I like this case already.
-We don't know what we're asked to do.
-Makes it more interesting.
I am so sorry.
Let's go to the video tape.
Take it easy, big fellow.
Agnes, see if Kooky here wants
cream and sugar in his formaldehyde.
Get a load of this.
"What you are about to see
is the truth.
For reasons that you will
soon understand...
...I have decided to spare us both
the discomfort of a personal meeting.
Once you have viewed the tape,
blah, blah, blah--
The utmost confidence.
Yours truly, Leslie Hunziger."
-Hot Sushi Girls.
-That doggone Fast Eddie.
Every time I take the machine in
this happens.
Probably uses this tape
to test the stop action.
How could she eat raw fish?
It's red snapper.
An acquired taste.
David.
What are those two
doing to each other?
So finally, the truth comes out.
You little closet kinkoid, you.
You're a normal,
red-blooded American male...
...but the slightest glimmer
of interest from a woman...
...and I'm a "kinkoid"?
Vixen, you. You minx.
Men. You wanna put us on a pedestal
or down in the gutter.
That way we can look up your dress
or down your blouse.
Start the tape.
My name is Leslie Hunziger.
Bazooka Joe.
What I do for a living
doesn't matter...
...nor do the details
of my so-called existence.
What does matter as far as you
and this case are concerned...
...is that thanks to faulty
cosmetic surgery, I am a monster.
-Why'd you do that?
-I don't think this is our case.
-I wanna hear this man out.
-No, you don't.
Don't tell me what I don't wanna do.
Three years ago,
I had plastic surgery.
I believed it would make me
look younger...
...more appealing to my wife.
I'd been warned that the procedure
I was to undergo...
...was highly experimental.
But the potential benefits...
...the restoration of my face
to its former youth...
...was simply too tempting to resist.
Be a good time to go to lunch.
What, you one of them shushers?
One of them people that a guy nine
rows away whispers to his girlfriend...
-...you shush him?
-David, please be quiet.
This man's in pain
and he needs our help.
...gifted in this field was unable
to repair his own mistakes.
The great Dr. Brill had failed...
...and now, thanks to his technique...
...I'm a prisoner in my own house...
...reviled by family and friends...
...set apart forever
from the rest of humanity.
A dreadful mistake?
Perhaps.
But there are reasons known
only to myself..
...that caused me
to believe otherwise.
Why is he wearing
them white gloves--?
Now, what I want from you
is concrete evidence...
...that this condition
is a direct result...
...of willful, preventable malpractice.
I'm willing to share a portion
of the settlement...
...along with your usual fee.
But the reason I am doing this...
...is to make sure
that no one ever has to suffer...
...as I have suffered.
I want that scalpel out
of this man's hands.
I want justice.
That's a sad story.
Yeah, right up there
with "Boy eats other foot, slays self."
Why are you against this case?
Because I don't think
it's our cup of tea.
-Why is that?
-it's unromantic.
There's no spurned lover, no jealous
husband, no obsessive mistress.
This is an ordinary run-of-the-mill
botched-surgery victim.
-You know what I think?
-Usually.
I think this hits you where it hurts:
your vanity.
-My what?
-You heard me.
This from a woman
who used to primp?
David, it's all right, it's fine.
Everybody has something
that sets their teeth on edge.
With you, it's your face.
With me, it's contact lenses.
Putting anything in my eye
makes me squeamish.
It's gonna take more than some clown
with a dickey to make me squeamish.
-So we'll take the case.
-Fine.
-What was that?
-Still got eyes, a nose, and a mouth?
-I'm touching up my makeup.
-I'm the one who's vain.
-Forget I said anything.
-You called me vain.
-I'm not gonna forget that.
-Okay, David, sorry.
But why wouldn't you
wanna help Mr. Hunziger?
Hunziger. I'm not saying he deserved
what he got, but he asked for it.
Don't you have any compassion
for what he's been through?
Yeah, but this
could 've been prevented...
...if he hadn't started
rearranging the bone structure.
Wives do it for husbands all the time.
Last I heard, you took somebody
for richer, poorer, sickness, health...
-...gorgeous or ugly.
-You'd feel different...
-...if you hadn't lucked out in the face.
-You don't stop clocks yourself.
My point is,
it's normal for a person...
...to want to make themselves
more attractive to people.
Within reason.
Take garters and stockings,
do women enjoy wearing them?
-Now we're serious.
-They're draughty, time-consuming.
I have yet to meet a man who
doesn't drool at the thought of them.
-Gets a rise out of me.
-Exactly.
I have several hundred dollars worth
I'd rather not wear.
I like my blondes on the half shell.
-But you get my point.
-You made your point.
Women dress up, fiddle with this,
f addle with that. Makeup, wigs.
When nothing short of Spackle
will cover the damage...
-...they go for a tuck.
-And men don't?
There's a difference
between girls and boys.
Unfortunately,
Father Time plays favorites.
Listen, you're gonna have your share
of pouches and wrinkles too.
That's right, character, baby.
Harvard.
Good school.
Didn't get into Yale.
So, what can we do for you?
Well...
...I don't know exactly.
I'm not sure why I'm here.
I guess I'm afraid of getting old.
-Not exactly a new story.
-No.
But I'd love to hear
your version of it.
Would you like to take a seat?
What are you afraid of exactly?
Well, you know,
when you're young...
...you can't imagine
anything being different...
...but then--
Well, I guess
I'm just used to all eyes being on me.
In your case,
most of the cameras as well.
It's my job to know faces.
Particularly, the beautiful ones.
Thank you.
I've had women patients
come in here...
...with your magazine covers,
pleading:
"Make me look like
the Blue Moon Shampoo Girl."
-Really?
-I had to let them down easy.
They don't teach you that,
even at Yale.
Well, I'm flattered, but that was then.
This is now.
Let's have a look.
-Hi.
-May I help you?
I'm here from Harum-Scarum
Drapery Cleaning...
...about the estimate.
This pretty much explains
male pattern baldness...
...and describes some of the medical
options available.
-What's that?
-We don't have drapes, just blinds.
It's okay.
You'd be surprised how many guys
come in here feeling a little awkward...
...but I wouldn't worry if I were you.
You've got a great look.
-You think so?
-Personally, I prefer a high forehead.
Yeah. It has been linked
to higher intelligence...
...and a higher level of male hormones
in the bloodstream.
An old wives tale,
but you've got a great look.
The doctor is with a patient
right now.
If you'd like a consultation,
he has an opening after lunch.
Maybe I'll just thumb
through the brochure for a minute.
You know where I can get
a sandwich around here?
There's a little place
across the street.
-Would you like to join me?
-I'm brown-bagging it today.
We could have a luncheon for two
on the grass.
Wouldn't be very professional of me.
It's not good for your digestion
to eat alone.
-Are you hitting on me?
-Yeah.
Well, you know what they say.
Men age better than women.
-Who says that?
-A friend.
-He's dead wrong.
-I didn't say it was a man.
Only a man
would say something so stupid.
Each stage of a woman's life
is a different season.
Each beautiful in its own way.
You're saying I'm approaching
the winter of my discontent.
You've got nothing to worry about.
Besides, the French say
that a woman under 30...
...is like an unripe peach.
Are you saying
I have to move to France?
No. Our culture treats aging
as if it were some kind of illness...
...instead of the natural course of life.
We think if we take enough vitamins,
or do enough exercise...
...or glop on enough face cream,
we can stave off the inevitable.
What I am saying is...
...that we should spend less time
avoiding life...
...and more time living it.
A comedian? I knew it.
I had a feeling.
Do bears bear, do bees bee?
That's funny.
It's some new material
I've been working on.
Really? I'd love to come
see your act sometime.
Well, next time I'm working...
...I'll get passes for you
and your boyfriend.
-I don't have a boyfriend.
-Really?
Well, I'm very surprised.
You are a really pretty girl.
You'd be the girl that'd be
walking down some runway...
...showing off somebody's
fall fashions.
Thanks, but I haven't always looked
the way I look right now.
-Like this.
-I didn't always look this way either.
I used to be three-feet tall
and have freckles and a cowlick.
No. I mean,
up until a couple of years ago...
...before I went to work for Dr. Brill...
...a guy like you wouldn't have
given me a second look.
I was invisible.
You block out the light
in a much more interesting way now.
You're so funny.
I never thought
I would be any different.
And Dr. Brill
came into the deli one day.
I used to workin a deli.
He ordered three-bean salad.
I gave him a discount
because it only had two beans.
He took a number.
And all the time he's waiting,
he was looking at me.
When it was his turn, he said...
...a pound of pastrami, and would I
like to be a different person?
I thought he had a couple
of cocktails for lunch.
-So he did some work on you?
-A little.
You ever seen those statues
by Michelangelo?
Those great looking guys
blasted out of hunks of rock?
Nipped, snipped,
tucked, sculpted, tailored.
One hundred percent man-made.
-Dr. Brill.
-Made me into his fantasy.
Well, it's not a bad fantasy.
Thanks.
He raised my right eye,
lowered my left.
New ears, fixed my jaw.
Give me two bosoms
I can really be proud of.
Sure as hell can rip your heart
into a million pieces.
You and he were an item.
"Were" being the operative word.
-You know her?
-Not exactly.
She's a patient.
Dr. Brill's latest creation.
I'd like to kill her.
Use her body for spare parts.
So, what's the diagnosis?
Beautiful.
Seriously...
...I'm good, but sometimes
God comes along...
...and puts me in my place.
I wouldn't dream of jeopardising that
with something so clumsy as surgery.
-I don't believe it.
-You better believe it.
-Well, I don't, it's impossible.
-No.
Twenty two episodes a season
is impossible.
But Brill playing doctor with his
girl patients is not only possible...
...but it's walking towards us.
How do we know she's a patient
and not a friend?
He puts his trademark
where her bellybutton ought to be.
Nurse Saundra is telling the truth?
Why would she lie?
Two or three times a week...
...this dreamboat comes
for an appointment.
After, she and the doctor slip across
to the hotel for a little hidey-ho.
See how his handiwork
holds up in the field.
She's not the only one
he does this with.
I can't believe that man
could act so unethically.
Well, apparently, he uses his practise
to make his very own party dolls.
Dr. Brill.
Two twenty-one?
Excuse me.
-May I help you?
-Yeah, I'd like a room, please?
Room 837.
Do you got anything a little lower?
I'm afraid of heights.
-Room 108.
-Can I have something with a view?
-Room 213.
-Thirteen?
Are you kidding? I'm superstitious.
How about room 222?
Two is my lucky number.
No, I'm sorry that room's reserved.
Maybe you could give them
room 213.
They're probably not
as nervous as I am.
See, you start out
watching Hot Sushi Girls.
Next thing you know,
you're a degenerate.
David, I can't hear
what they're saying.
That was a moan.
Followed by a groan,
followed by a high-pitched bark.
David, he's saying something.
Something about something's
not round enough, but he can fix it.
-I'm gonna be sick.
-Watch the threads.
He's talking about that woman
like she's putty.
She was put on Earth for one thing:
his personal amusement.
-I can't believe I bought in this weirdo.
-He's trying to get you to trust him.
Can you imagine the unnecessary
surgery he'd have tried to push on me?
Bet you 5 bucks it'd involve...
-...a radical panty-ectomy.
-Panty-ectomy?
Have you prepped for surgery
Iickety-split.
I can't understand it.
I'm usually a better judge of character.
Don't give yourself credit.
You were involved
with Dave-a-roony for a minute.
As vile and low as you are,
that man is viler and much lower.
You have no idea
what it does for my self-esteem.
Let's go to the office.
I'll go and tell Hunziger
his case looks promising.
Wait a minute, what's the rush?
The room is paid for.
Somebody else has gotta clean
the sheets.
David, forget what I just said.
You and the doctor
are in a dead heat.
-Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.
-Do it. Do it. Do it.
-Shave it off.
-Shut up, people, please?
This is hard enough
without a Greek chorus.
This isn't about them. it's about us.
Right.
-What's the point of my doing this?
-Just do it, Burt.
Agnes, I'm sorry, one doesn't simply
slice off a part of one's anatomy...
...without being absolutely clear
as to the reasons.
Please, for me.
Right.
For us.
O'Neal, Jurgenson.
O'Neal, Jurgenson.
Off the desk and into a corner.
I think the rest of us can forget
about recess for the next two weeks.
Miss Di Pesto, what is going on?
Miss Hayes,
it's not really their fault.
No, Agnes.
This is a personal matter
between us.
Radical look, chief.
Wanna fill me in?
Well, sir, the situation is pretty much
as it appears.
I was just about to bid sayonara
to my beard.
-I thought you liked your beard.
-I do.
I'm very attached to my beard.
I love my beard.
Then why the big shave?
Well, that's why, sir,
because I do love it.
And by shaving it off,
I'm proving something to Agnes.
That I'm willing to sacrifice something
important to me for her sake.
Mr. Viola,
do you want to shave your beard?
No.
Then you mustn't for Agnes
or me or anyone else.
-But this morning--
-I know what I said, Agnes.
Some things are more important
than pantyhose.
Miss Hayes is right.
We can't give up control of our bodies,
even if it makes someone happy.
It starts with a shave.
Next thing you know, you're looking
at the world through a dickey.
-Sir?
-Trust me, don't shave.
Now, Miss Hayes and I...
...have some extremely
important business to attend to.
I wonder why Mr. Hunziger insisted
we come to the house?
I don't know. Do you get the feeling
they might have it backyards?
That somebody might answer the door
and say trick or treat?
Kooky, my good man,
is the count in?
I believe he's expecting us--
I generally don't dance with men.
In your case, I may make an exception.
We talked to Mr. Hunziger.
He asked us to come.
-I'm sure if you checked.
-it's all right.
Please, show our guests
into the parlour.
Now we know why failed science
projects never lived in tract homes.
Welcome.
I hope I haven't inconvenienced you
by having you come by.
No, no trouble at all.
We were just out
getting our dog spayed.
Mr. Addison, Miss Hayes,
I don't mind telling you...
...how impressed I am
with your diligence in this matter.
I've wanted to meet you face-to-face,
or an approximation thereof.
At any rate, I hope you'll accept
my apology for this contrivance.
I'm sure you'll understand
the necessity, however.
-Well, of course.
-Yeah, we saw the movie.
What my partner is trying to say is
we understand your predicament.
My predicament.
Language is remarkable, isn't it?
A wealth of euphemisms
at our disposal...
...to insulate us
from life's less pleasant realities.
Oh, you're far too polite to say so,
of course...
...but the fact is, I am a mutant...
...a freak.
Did he say mutant?
Mr. Hunziger,
please don't say those things.
Miss Hayes, please,
your pity only adds to my burden.
Now, what about Dr. Brill?
I'm sorry. I'm being rude.
Won't you sit down?
Well, as I said on the telephone...
...Dr. Brill puts most of his time
and energy into these women.
Most of his patients
are 90 percent female.
Timing.
So my deformity...
...is little more than
a vaguely unpleasant afterthought...
...in Dr. Brill's mind.
An experiment that went wrong,
while he pursues his true passion.
Well, it's good to see you kept
your sense of humour about it.
Leslie.
Oh, excuse me,
I didn't realise you had company.
I don't believe you've met my wife.
What are we gonna do?
We can't hide out in the bathroom.
-I guess a bath is out of the question.
-He's gonna think...
-...we flushed ourselves down the toilet.
-That's one way out.
I don't know how to tell that man
that his wife is cheating on him...
...with the same doctor
who ruined his face.
Liberace soap. Think he'll miss one?
-David.
-You want me to talk to him?
I just don't know how to give this guy
any more bad news.
After all he's been through,
it seems so cruel.
Well, he paid us for the truth.
Because it happens to be cruel,
doesn't mean it's not true.
-You better go there and do the deed.
-Me?
-You.
-We just decided on you.
You're much better
at breaking hearts.
You're worried about me
putting my foot in my mouth.
You'll do fine. As a matter of fact,
why don't I wait in the bathroom?
Forget it. You're the one who got me
into this Corman movie.
We'll both go and tell him,
but I just feel terrible.
That poor man, it's gonna kill him.
Wonderful.
Look, maybe you didn't hear us right.
We said your wife is having an affair.
Oh, it was only a matter of time.
Michelle is not a woman
who's going to let her needs go unmet.
It would be unreasonable
and naive of me to think otherwise.
After all, a man with no lips
can hardly kiss his wife.
But the man she's seeing is Dr. Brill.
Well, it's all the more delicious.
My case is now totally solid.
He ruined me, then he stole my wife.
What judge could possibly
find him innocent?
I'll make millions.
Wait, what about this justice
you were talking about...
-...on the video tape you gave us?
-Miss Hayes.
There are two things in this world
that man can't get enough of:
Beautiful women and money.
Since the former is no longer
within my grasp...
...I've developed a taste
for the latter.
I'll take his cash,
he can have all the women he wants.
Justice.
Sounds more like revenge to me.
A fine line between
reparation and revenge.
We'll let the jury decide that,
but now we need evidence.
I want you to take photographs
of my wife and that man. Colour.
The more graphic, the more persuasive
they'll bein court.
Follow them.
Document everything that they do.
And, oh, yes and we'll need
some sound recordings and videotape.
Mr. Hunziger, I'm not certain we're the
right people to continue on this case.
Because of what I am,
my predicament, as you say...
...this must seem all the more ugly.
But if you believe
that I've been wronged by this man...
...you'll continue your investigation.
Do you want matte or glossy finish?
David, why don't you just go up
to her door...
...and offer to drive Hunziger
to their tryst?
Car pool would be
the civic-minded to do.
-What time is it?
-8:10.
Well, she better leave soon
if she expects to keep her alibi.
Curtains usually go up
around 8:30.
You know you got to hand it
to Bazooka Joe.
Old lady's there
getting gussied up for her group.
Brill and the missus are costars
in our own private one-act play.
Lot of self-control.
I wish we hadn't taken this case.
You're the one that wanted
to help Bazooka Joe.
I did. I do...
...but doing this
gives me the creeps.
Well, at least it ain't the willies.
You're never right
after a case of the willies.
At least we realise how superficial
everything is. Skin deep.
This is Los Angeles.
David.
Well, she's certainly got the Speckle
in all the right places.
I didn't know they made legs
like that anymore.
David, what if I didn't look like me
and you didn't look like you?
Have to wear carnations
to spot each other.
No, when I first walked into your office,
what did you think?
You were high-strung,
overdressed, over-bred.
Had a hairdo from another century.
The most drop dead gorgeous
broad...
...I'd ever seen in my real life.
I knew there was a compliment
somewhere in there.
But the point is, what if I weighed twice
as much and was half as tall?
Probably mistake you
for a filing cabinet.
We're sneaking after this bombshell.
She's sneaking out on her husband
because she doesn't like his looks.
I'd say that adequately
summarised the plot thus far, yes.
If I wasn't a finalist in a pageant,
you wouldn't give me the time of day.
I can't help liking
what I wake up next to.
A reason which has nothing to do
with a person's soul.
Notice how it's always rich people
who tell you money doesn't matter?
I've seen your boyfriends.
It ain't like the spaceman's
ever gonna be confused with a horse.
-Neither are you.
-I rest my case.
But I don't need to look like this.
I mean, I like to think...
...that because I know who I am inside,
it wouldn't matter how I look.
I don't think you'd like...
...walking around with your organs
on the outside.
What'd you do if you didn't have
that mug to hide behind?
Probably rifle the drawers
of this blond filing cabinet I know.
Let's give her a minute to slip out
of that mini and into a paper gown.
-Could you not grab--
-David.
Sorry.
Oh, my God.
-Maddie.
-What?
You think he's okay?
For the family album.
-Hey.
-I don't think so, David.
Yeah, hold this.
Frosty.
What are you doing?
Me and the missus
just came down from Bakersfield.
We heard tell there's a human
pincushion in these parts.
We come to the right place,
Mildred.
Who are you?
We're detectives
hired by your husband.
A lot of anger for one so petite.
He ruined my husband's life,
my marriage...
...but I fell in love with Simon
anyway.
You have any idea how that made
me feel? Betraying my husband...
-...for the man who butchered him?
-Bad?
I hated myself.
I couldn't help it.
Simon made me feel like
the most beautiful woman in the world.
Odd way of showing your gratitude.
I saw him this afternoon.
He said it was over,
that he'd found someone else.
Someone younger.
Barely 20.
Said her skin would be easier
to work with.
That she'd be his greatest creation.
I found him sleeping.
I didn't want him to wake up.
Since I'm going to be spending
the rest of my life in prison...
...I'll put these scalpels
to good use.
Hold it, Mrs. Hunziger.
He's already cold
and you just got here.
You didn't kill him.
Damn.
-You could have hurt somebody.
-Sorry.
I had to straight shot
down the corridor into the office.
I didn't know anybody was in there,
except for the doctor.
-He's dead.
-Dead?
Yeah. I got him right in that little
caraway seed he calls a heart.
Hey, listen,
we can make it look like a robbery.
We can make it look like someone
was after pills or syringes.
What do you think?
Hi, Maddie.
This is Nurse Saundra.
The girl I was telling you about.
I'm sure the pleasure's all David's.
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news...
...but somebody already got
to your boss.
-Dead?
-Really dead.
-Not of this Earth.
-Damn.
Look, more scalpels.
-You killed him.
-Wait a minute.
-You killed him.
-Take it easy. She didn't do it.
Well, somebody had to have done it.
I'm sorry.
I was looking for Brill.
I've seen this movie.
All right, Bazooka Joe,
put down the land shark.
Stay where you are.
Miss Hayes, I'd like to thank you
for bringing me to my senses.
Great move, Goldilocks.
You made me reevaluate
my rather limited notion of justice.
But, Mr. Hunziger--
Justice would be served
by my being the judge and the jury.
Hey, you don't understand.
No court on Earth would convict me
of 1st degree murder.
And since I'm already virtually
a recluse in my own home--
He's already dead.
A short stint in jail...
...would be more than worthwhile
to see Brill stacked like cordwood.
-Speaking of the doctor--
-He's dead.
-What?
-He's dead.
Rats.
Who deprived me of my last pleasure
on Earth?
Wait a minute.
Kooky, you didn't kill Dr. Brill,
did you?
-Oh, no.
-The butler did it?
The butler did it?
That man in there
ruined the only face...
...that ever looked up at me
and smiled...
...and really meant it.
I loved that face.
Come on out of the closet, Kooky.
Hey.
Let him go.
-I'm afraid we can't do that.
-I'm afraid you'll have to.
Here, hold this.
Wait.
Watch it, chop-top.
Get rid of that thing, will you?
Oh, Kooky.
Go ahead.
Real face place.
Kooky.
Come out, come out
wherever you are.
See anything you like?
David, why would anybody
wanna pick a nose like that?
Not anatomically correct!
D-cup!
Are you okay?
Oh, get down. Oh, look out.
Think we got him?
I think not.
Get his attention.
I'll sneak behind him.
-How am I gonna do that?
-Like this.
One, two, three.
Liposuction!
You could lose 170 pounds fast.
No, thanks, Kooky,
diet and exercise. That's the key.
Diet and exercise.
Don't call me Kooky.
Think thin, Addison.
Nice work, circus girl.
Let me tell you about love, Kooky.
It's all the same.
Natural, unnatural,
no matter how bizarre.
It's all the same.
It doesn't matter
what's on the outside.
It's right here, you see?
What's on the inside.
Trust, compassion, the soul.
That's what it's all about.
Being there
for that special someone.
Am I right, Maddie?
Yes, David.
I knew I was right.
All right, move it.
Call me.
You'll enjoy prison. Lots of discipline,
get to wear uniform.
I'm glad this cases is over. All those
weirdoes give me the heebie-jeebs.
Saundra gave me her number.
You mean you're not gonna call her?
I don't think so.
She certainly was one keen
polystyrene dream though.
I can't see going out with somebody
that wasn't biodegradable.
My, my: my'
Even David Addison has
to get standards sooner or later.
Well, I'm older, wiser.
It's not too late to go out
for some Pink's Hot Dogs.
What do you say?
Can I take a rain cheque?
This is beauty night.
Nails to paint, hair to condition,
iron to pump.
Girl's gotta take care
of what she' s got.
-What you got looks pretty good.
-Oh, David.
You really think so
after all these years?
Drop dead gorgeous.
And not just on the outside,
in here.
Did you know that 90 percent
of the accidents...
...that happen in the home,
happen while you're naked?
-Really?
-Yeah.
Household safety, Maddie.
You need somebody to spot you.
-In the shower?
-Well, one can never be too cautious.
And in case you need somebody
to wash your back ....
David.
I won't look, I promise.