Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Color of Maddie - full transcript
David is unsettled when Maddie starts accepting him for what he is after he starts work late and hungover. A woman approaches Blue Moon to find out whether the man she is living with is really her husband. She had married him 10 years ago but he disappeared before suddenly reappearing a few months ago claiming to be her husband. Apparently he had been in a Mexican jail. When her husband appears to have been killed in a car bomb, it seems that he had a criminal past. Then the wife is murdered. David and Maddie are on the case.
-Thanks, Danny. I had fun.
-Yeah, me too.
Hey, hey, hey. What's the hurry?
I gotta get some sleep.
-I have to be at work first thing.
-Find yourself the right guy...
...pretty girl like you won't have to be
punching a time clock at dawn.
Find myself the right guy,
I won't have to go on dates with you.
Come on, Danny.
Let go.
-I mean it.
-Okay.
Okay, but give me one more kiss.
-Come on, give me one more kiss.
-Okay.
I want a real one.
Good night.
Let me bum a cigarette
for the ride home.
There's a machine at the gas station.
-Come on, baby.
-Good night.
For crying out loud.
Can't you take drop dead
for an answer?
Look, I thought I told you--
Hello, Nora. it's me.
Hello.
Blue Moon Agency
of Private Detection.
We yearn to guide you
in a virtuous direction.
From the dawn of fair youth,
till hoary convalescence.
To fight the good fight
is our goal and our essence.
Can you please hold?
All right, look. This is not my job.
I am not trained in the kind of
commercial doggerel Agnes dishes out.
Albeit,
well-crafted commercial doggerel.
And if anyone here thinks
he or she can do better...
...they are heartily invited to try.
Obnoxious, toady,
spewing gobbledegook.
Pretentious, a put on,
take a mirror and look.
You make me vomit,
you fuzz-coated yutz.
Whoever sired you was totally nuts.
Nice talk, MacGi|icuddy.
-Herbert.
-Agnes, where have you been?
In the necessary room.
What are you doing?
Someone had to answer.
It was ringing off the hook.
Thank you. We regret the delay.
We're eager
to hear what you have to say.
Hello. Hello?
They hung up.
What did you say to them?
Well, I don't recall exactly.
-Did you rhyme?
-Of course, I rhymed.
I metaphored. I similied.
I metonymied.
I even hyperboled. Ask them.
Herbert Quentin Viola,
don't you ever do that again.
No one answers this phone
except numero uno.
Not Miss Hayes. Not Mr. Addison.
No lips touch this receiver
except for mine.
-What happens when you're not here?
-I'm never not here.
What about that little journey
to the necessary room?
I time myself. I can make it there
and back in six rings.
Five on a day
when I haven't had a lot of coffee.
Good morning, Mr. Addison.
-I mean, good afternoon.
-Already?
Where does the time go?
-Rough night?
-Well, not really a rough night.
It's a pretty rough morning though.
Sun came up a little earlier
than usual.
You'd think for all the rent we pay here
we could get a room that didn't spin.
-What's on the agenda for today?
-Well.
Oh, there's no need to shout,
Miss Di Pesto.
Oh, sorry.
-There was a meeting.
-A meeting?
Ten o'clock.
-This meeting, was it important?
-It was a client.
-So I guess Miss Hayes knew about it.
-Yes, sir.
And being the shrewd devil that she is,
she probably noticed my absence.
Kind of.
Okay, well, that's enough business.
Let's go to lunch. Come on. I'm buying.
Yes, Miss Hayes.
Yes, Miss Hayes.
That was Miss Hayes.
She wants to see you
in her office now.
How do I look?
-Lie.
-Lie.
Lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm gonna go in there...
...look her in the peepers
and tell her the truth.
When I came to on the mother ship,
the pinheads from the planet Spud...
...were inserting a glowing orb
into my pancreas.
I, of course, felt duty-bound
to call the National Enquire...
...and then I came to the office.
Hi.
-When did you get in?
-Right to the juggler, huh?
It was just a question.
Okay.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
There were no pinheads.
-There-- There is no planet Spud.
-No big deal.
No big deal?
Am I on the right show?
Don't worry. I'm sure you had a reason
why you missed the meeting.
Since you wheedled it out of me.
The last thing I remember clearly...
...is bobbing for lemon wedges with a
guy who makes pot holders out of hair.
Gosh, Dave, what happened then?
Well, woke up on a houseboat...
...with a female wrestler
on my way to Catalina.
-Did you have fun?
-One of the top 23 times in my life.
Great. I have something for you.
It's pink. it's got my name on it.
-And it ain't to title to the beamer.
-Open it.
And give you the satisfaction
of terminating my services. Never.
-I quit.
-David, I didn't fire you.
-What was that?
-A bonus cheque.
A bonus cheque?
-As in pay to the order of--
-Yes.
We got the money
on the Anselmo case...
...and that was your share.
I come to work two hours late...
...looking like something that got found
under a sofa, and you give me a bonus.
What is reality?
I've accepted the fact
that you miss meetings.
-You have?
-I have.
Oh, no, you haven't.
Getting mad takes too much time
and energy. I've got a business to run.
Oh, we're gonna get the old:
"I'm not gonna get mad
at David anymore" speech.
Happens once a season,
lasts about one episode.
The last time I heard this speech
you were dancing around...
...doing a hoochie coochie
with a spaceman.
If I'm gonna bein business
with you...
...I'm gonna have to learn
to accept you for who you are.
Once and for all, finally and forever,
warts and all.
Warts? I haven't touched a toad.
Quirks, faults, flaws, fetishes,
call it whatever you want.
I'm not gonna let it get to me
anymore.
Maddie, don't bulldoze a bulldozer.
Don't kid a Kidder.
I know you. I know who you are.
And I know what's going through
that honey-blonde noggin of yours.
-You think you know me.
-Inside and out, orchestra to balcony.
Like the back of my hand. And I'm on
pretty good terms with my hand.
You're wrong. There's lots of things
you don't know about me.
It really makes you uncomfortable
that I know where all your buttons are.
I'm not a car stereo, David.
I'm not uncomfortable.
-Then why is your nostril flaring?
-I'm annoyed with this conversation.
I know because I got your number.
I got your handicap.
You're as regular as clockwork,
like Old Faithful...
...only younger and steamier.
I'm not saying there aren't things about
me that you know better than anyone.
There's a lot of other things,
parts of me you've never seen.
Like that extra thigh
you got stashed in the closet?
David. Parts of me that no one else
has ever seen, and I like it that way.
You know what you know about me
because I want you to know it.
I see. So, what you're saying...
...is that after four years,
93 million miles to the sun and back...
...that this is a casual relationship.
Of course not, David.
You know that's not true.
We're friends. Good friends.
More than good friends. We're ....
-Pals.
-Pals?
Pals.
For a minute there I thought you
were gonna say chums.
Or worse yet, "buddies."
What's so horrible about pals?
Nothing, nothing, pals is all right.
Pals is a-- Pals is a blast.
Pals chat with each other.
They go for strolls together.
They take each other to lunch
and pick up the cheque.
I even heard of pals exchanging
amusing stories with each other.
You hear any good jokes lately?
-Mrs. Cooper's here.
-Show her in please.
-Mrs. Cooper?
-Remember the meeting?
The meeting you would've missed...
...but I noticed that toga-party look.
I rescheduled.
I see. But that's not because
you know me.
-No, but I know your habits.
-My habits are not my own.
I merely rent them...
...which is why
I probably can't afford to break them.
Mrs. Cooper, please come in.
I'm Madelyn Hayes.
This is my associate David Addison.
-Hi.
-Won't you sit down?
Thanks.
-Nice office.
-Thank you. How may we help you?
Well, I'm not sure.
I'm married to my husband.
We'll take the case.
We will. You're a sucker
for nut-ball stuff like this.
Please, go on.
Ten years ago, I met this guy
in New Orleans at Mardi Gras.
-You ever been to Mardi Gras?
-No. I'm sure my partner has.
She knows me only too well.
It kind of has a strange effect on you.
It makes you forget
where you're from, how you got there.
Mardi Gras just happens to you,
like an operation or something.
Anyway, the day after I met this guy,
he asked me to marry him.
And so help me,
I couldn't think of a reason not to.
Richard and I spent the next five days
in a hotel room.
It was about
the happiest I've ever been.
And then I wake up Ash Wednesday
morning with a hangover, no husband.
He was gone. Disappeared.
I waited in the hotel room
until my money ran out.
And I tried my best to find him,
but I never saw him again.
I figured it was the Big Easy.
So easy come, easy go, right?
Only it wasn't easy.
It was the one and only time
in my life...
...that I've ever completely connected
with another human being.
So then I got on with my life.
Dated, got serious a few times...
...but I couldn't stop thinking
about this guy.
And believe me, I am not the type
to sit around waiting for anything...
...much less a man.
But I realised I was never gonna be
satisfied till I got him back.
And then a few months ago, he shows
up on my doorstep, out of nowhere.
Did he mention where he'd
been for the past decade?
In jail, in Mexico.
He left me because
he knew the law was on to him.
He figured he better lay low.
But they grabbed him in Tijuana
and that was that.
He never tried to contact you?
You ever try to mail a letter
from a Mexican jail?
Once, a long time ago but--
So then he moves in with me and
every thing's been great for a while.
And then one morning
I roll over and look at him.
And I think, who the hell is this guy?
I mean, he says he's my husband
and maybe he is...
...but how would I know really.
You never talked to him about all this?
What am I gonna say?
"Honey, the meatloaf's ready,
and are you really the man I married?"
Miss Hayes and I
completely understand.
We do, don't we?
-We'll take the case.
-Thank you.
I made a copy of his driver's license,
picture's pretty clear.
And I wrote a list of the places
he hangs out.
Maybe it's all in my imagination,
but I gotta know.
Well, we'll do whatever we can.
Thank you.
And you thought our relationship
was screwy.
We've covered the Pitch and Putt...
...Cheese and Go
and Sparky's Beef and Brew.
-What's left?
-Diamond Lee's and the pool hall.
Boy, is this guy a breadwinner.
He earned some right to some
leisure time after 15 years in prison.
You didn't believe Cooper's story,
did you?
-Yes, I did. I take it you didn't.
-You take it right.
-That rap she laid on us was flimsy.
-What's wrong with her story?
Come on, Maddie.
You don't forget a person.
I remember every pore
on every body I've rubbed ribs with.
Every mole, every birthmark,
every hill.
Dimple, pimple, tattoo.
-Tattoo?
-it's right up here. Same as you.
I don't remember everything
about every encounter.
How many are we talking?
Just a ballpark figure.
-it's personal.
-We're discussing a case.
How many people I've been intimate
with is none of your business.
-It has nothing to do with this case.
-Put them together...
...could you get up a game of football?
Basketball? Bridge? Ping-Pong?
-I don't wanna talk about this.
-All right, then I'll tell you.
Six.
There was a football player
in high school...
...under the bleachers after
the big game.
You were worried about your
reputation. When you saw him...
...you threw caution to the wind.
-I'm not listening.
-There was Joe College.
Golf team, madras pants,
had his own room in the frat house.
Had a sign on the door,
said "slippery when wet."
-I hope your enjoying yourself.
-You moved to the city, had an affair.
Probably some unavailable guy,
probably married...
...which you broke off
and took a vow of celibacy...
...which was good until you ran
into the spaceman again.
Does he count twice?
Then you had a fling with a pal.
And that leaves room
for a one-night stand.
-Are you finished?
-Yeah. That's six.
You're wrong.
I don't know if you put out
for the football player.
If the football player
showed up on my doorstep tomorrow...
-...I'm not sure I'd recognise him.
-A cherry bomb like you...
...I'd keep my helmet on too.
Jeez.
"Cue ball."
Owner blew a few million brain cells
coming up with that one.
-Listen. You should hang on me.
-What?
-Drape yourself across me.
-What on earth would I do that for?
A girl like you
is gonna walk in and get ogled.
-I've been ogled by the best of them.
-Yeah.
You walk in there and you're gonna get
ogled, hogled, moogled and boogled.
What makes you think I can't take care
of myself in there? Let me guess.
Something to do with inside
and out, orchestras, balconies.
Front of your hand.
You couldn't be more wrong.
-Oh, my God.
-You're doing all right.
You should try and gets those hips
as skosh closer.
Don't you dare enjoy this.
What are you talking about?
I never worked so hard in my life.
-Don't any of these people have jobs?
-Sure.
Rent themselves out
as heavy machinery.
Nine ball.
You know, Maddie, something
not too many people know about me.
I happen to be the E in mean
of pool hustling.
-Give me a break.
-I'll give you a break.
I'll give you a break so tough
it'll make a grown man cry.
You wanna unhook yourself
and go get a cue stick over there?
Take it easy, Little John.
These guys are pussycats. Come on.
Yeah and I'm the Catnip.
-The trick is not to hold it too tight.
-I have played pool before.
What, billiards with your mom
on a cruise ship?
Let me show you
how to play this game. Now.
You wanna let it slide in and out.
.|n..
-And out, David.
I am perfectly capable
of doing this myself.
Yes, I'm sure with a little practise you
can become an excellent stick handler.
It's harder than it looks. I wouldn't
want you to embarrass yourself.
-Oh, no.
-Good going.
Excuse me, fellas.
I think you have an extra ball here.
I'm sorry, our mistake.
Nice belt.
Never hurts to carry a spare, I guess.
Thanks.
Next time,
let's try keep the ball on the table.
David. it's him.
-Richard Cooper.
-You're right, it's our boy.
Buy him a drink,
then take the fingerprints off the glass.
Send a total stranger a cocktail
for no good reason...
...he knows you want something.
Got any money?
Petty-cash envelope from the office.
-How much?
Five hundred dollars. But I need it
to run the office next month.
Look, I'm not using it to play
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"...
...1500 times on the jukebox.
Although it wouldn't be the first time.
Come on.
Let's put our money to work for us.
Interested in a game,
a little nine ball?
-Nope.
-Straight pool, then.
You break. Winner takes the C-note.
Nope.
Winner takes a deuce.
No.
You sure you can beat this guy?
Do balls ball? Is Minnesota fat?
Are we on?
Yeah. We're on.
That was a warm-up game, right?
I don't take money from dopes.
-Scuzzy. But he's got a big heart.
-Not a bad judge of character either.
Should be able to get
a pretty good set of prints off this cue.
In your dreams.
Just walk ahead of me.
Act as if nothing is happening.
Hey.
Your friend's forgetful.
Left his lighter.
Thanks. I'll give it to him.
How did that get in there?
-Think he'll miss it?
-Only if he needs alight.
Here's today's mail.
And would you like me to send out the
second notices on last month's billing?
-Miss Hayes, are you all right?
-Oh, yes. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm still thinking
about that poor man.
Yeah. Bummer.
Getting blown to smithereens
has gotta be a pretty awful way to go.
I wonder what the last thing was
that went through his mind.
The dashboard?
I think I'll go ahead
and send out those second notices.
Agnes. How are you and Burt doing?
We're fine.
-As always.
-Really settling in together.
Yeah. He's my pussycat.
That's nice.
I guess this is really your first
serious relationship.
-Oh, no. I've had bunches.
-Bunches?
You must have dated
a lot of guys in college.
Seven of the busiest years
of my life.
Agnes, would you mind if I asked you
a very personal question?
-Is this a sit-down talk?
-No. No.
You don't have to answer
if you don't want to.
I was just wondering if those guys
you dated in college did you--
I mean, were you intimate with them?
-This is a sit-down talk.
-No, no, no. I'm just being nosey.
That's okay.
-My life's an open book.
-No. I'm sure it's none of my business.
-Did you like them a lot?
-Almost every one.
And you were intimate with them.
-Almost every one of them.
-What happened afterwards?
Oh, usually we'd take a bath.
No, no, no, I mean, afterwards.
After you stopped being intimate.
Were you still friends?
Sure. I mean, who wants
the football team mad at them.
-Football team?
-Never could figure out...
-...which position I liked.
-How did you do it?
-I took a lot of naps in the afternoon.
-No, no.
How did you stay friends
with everyone?
I don't know. It just sort of
happened that way, I guess.
-You didn't find that difficult.
-No.
And you never sat down with someone
to redefine your relationship.
Figure out where you stood,
give yourself a name.
-Like?
-Like just friends...
...former lovers, pals.
Sounds so over with.
Yeah. I guess it does.
I got weird news
and I got really weird news.
Well, busy, busy, busy.
David, I don't think
I can take any more weird news.
-I just found out Agnes has a past.
-Let her in football.
I hear they retired her jersey.
So, what do you want?
Weird or really weird?
-Weird.
-Good choice.
My friend down at Homicide
said the fingerprints match up.
-It was Richard Cooper.
-So it was Cooper.
Yes and no.
Well, it was Richard Cooper.
But it was also John Kravitz, Peter
Wentwhistle, Sam Strankweather...
...Keith Blackpool, and my personal
favourite, Maximillian Petrovsky.
-You mean he had five aliases?
-Aliasi?
Five different names,
five different states.
He was wanted for grand-theft auto,
burglary, breaking and entering...
...mans|aughter, murder one, two, three
and a partridge in a pear tree.
-That man?
-That man.
How could he be? He looked normal.
Your average axe murderer's
probably gonna hit the showers ....
-...after a hard day on the rampage.
-Did his wife know?
There was a lot she didn't know.
She didn't know he escaped from
prison, wanted in five different states.
I'm pretty sure she didn't know her
name was Mrs. Maximillian Petrovsky.
Poor thing.
Do the police have any idea
who did it or why?
Nothing solid.
But with a record like that...
...the guy's bound
to have made enemies.
And now, moving right along
to really weird news. Voila.
-What's that?
-What's it look like?
A cheque made out to us for 15--
-Is that three zeroes?
-It is.
Who would write a cheque
for so much?
A very grateful
law-enforcement official.
-He would?
-He did.
-He did.
-That is the bounty.
And I don't mean the boat
because our ship just came in.
Cooper had a price on his head.
What shall we do,
get them tanning salons?
-No.
-Right. We should go to Ixtapa.
Spend two months
drizzling butter on each other.
-This is not ours.
-Sure it is.
-I don't care, we're not gonna keep it.
-But why? We found him.
Said, "Dead or alive." Didn't
say anything about being charbroiled.
-You never cease to amaze me.
-I am pretty doggone special, huh?
-You're thinking I'm callous.
-That's exactly what I'm thinking.
Since you know so much, I won't
tell you why we're not gonna keep it.
Come on, Maddie.
I feel sorry for what happened.
But we don't make the rules.
We don't put the bounty on his head.
We found him. We identified him.
We earned that money fair and square.
-We got a right to keep it.
-We're giving it to Nora Cooper.
Nora Cooper?
What can Nora do with 15 grand--?
It's a decent and honourable thing
to do. The subject is closed.
-How could the subject be closed?
-it's a free country.
-Say whatever you want.
-That's very democrat.
I should have known
you're gonna pull something.
Why don't we open the window up
and throw the money to the people.
The next time the bills started piling
up and you go to your chequebook...
...and all you see is red, don't come
looking for old unreliable Dave.
-I don't even know why--
-David, I've already told you.
I accept the fact that you're callous,
course, tardy, unreliable.
Just accept the fact that
we're not gonna accept this cheque.
-Okay.
-Fine. Thanks.
How about a fifty-fifty split.
There's plenty of money.
David, 10 years is a long time to wait
for something and not get it. Okay.
Maybe I'm being more sentimental than
practical. Maybe I'm just being stupid.
Do you know
what that woman got for being there...
...for all those years for that man?
Nothing.
Why do you want me to have this?
I feel it's the least we could do.
But it's so much money.
I've endorsed the cheque over to you.
All you have to do is cash it.
Well, that's very generous of you.
I don't know what else to say.
It's so hard for me to think
about money now.
Especially this money.
I know how you must feel,
Mrs. Cooper.
I'm really sorry
everything worked out this way.
He was so nervous, so scared.
He's always looking
over his shoulder.
Not at all the man I remember.
What little I could remember.
I guess that's what made me wonder.
Well...
...whatever he was looking for
found him first.
I just wish he could have told me,
confided in me.
But we had so little time together.
So many years apart.
We were strangers.
Mrs. Cooper,
if there's anything I can do.
Well, you did what I hired you to do.
-So how did it go?
-Fine. She was very grateful.
Yeah.
Now, she's buying rounds
down at Sparky's Beef and Brew.
-David, please, I'm hushed.
-Yeah.
But it's a good kind of hushed?
You went out there...
...rolled up your sleeves, dug up
some dirt, ruined a woman's life...
...and gave away all our money.
I can think of a more rewarding job
than that.
Unless, of course,
you work for the government.
-Heading home?
-To peace and quiet.
So, what's it gonna be tonight,
diet delight out of a plastic bag?
A little chardonnay.
A candlelit bubble bath for one.
A little late news, and then
off to dreamland all by yourself.
I know what you've been doing, David.
Mapping me out like you've been doing.
Who I've slept with.
When, where, how, why.
-Only to prove a point.
-And you've proved it.
You do know me better
than anybody in the world.
Better than I wanna admit.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
Thank you.
What I resent is:
You say you know me...
...but you make it sound
like I'm a territory you've settled.
Or a piece of music you've mastered.
That's all right, David. I understand.
Because I know you too.
You're just as confused about us
as I am.
As far as I'm concerned there isn't
anything confusing about us.
"Us" banters.
And "us" solve cases.
And "us" used to do it...
...a lot more than "us"
is doing it now.
Okay, be glib.
Glib is what you do best.
But the truth,
not your version or my version...
...but the plain and simple truth is
we're trying to climb this ladder...
...from the middle.
We're not at the beginning.
We've got a ways to go and we don't
know where we're gonna end up.
But we're on this ladder
and I don't see a way off.
So, what shall we do?
Don' t look down.
So you don't really wanna eat dinner
out of a plastic bag tonight, do you?
I'm not married to the idea.
-What are you in the mood for?
-What are you in the mood for?
A nice little bistro...
...couple of steaks.
Fortunately,
I already made reservations.
Don't answer.
Hello. Yes, this is she.
When?
Thank you.
Downers and Scotch is one way to get
over Mardi Gras. That was the police.
Nora Cooper is dead.
Is that the sun coming up?
Either that or the moon's
got one hell of an infection.
Can you believe it?
Nobody shouts suicide,
it keeps the police stationed all night.
I would have been asleep hours ago
if you remembered to pay your tickets.
Well, I figured the authorities
prefer to get one big cheque.
Anyway, the bail bonder says
he'll drop the felony no parking.
-So how about that dinner?
-At 6 in the morning?
We shouldn't have to wait for a table.
I know a place. Cackles on a raft...
...cups of Joe.
You'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
-I just wanna go to bed.
-All right.
But the way to my heart's
through my stomach.
I thought you said this place
was around the corner.
-I didn't say which corner.
-I don't see any.
-Well, I'm taking the scenic route.
-What are you up to?
-Nothing.
-I smell one of your secret agendas.
I just haven't had
my morning shower yet, that's all.
-The truth is I started thinking.
-I hate it when you do that.
What I'm thinking about is:
I'm thinking about that cheque.
The one with 15 and lots of zeroes.
-Nora's cheque?
-I can't see how Nora...
...has much use for it anymore.
-I know what you're thinking.
-You don't.
-You're thinking, "That selfish swine."
-That's the 9:00 version.
I admit,
at first blush it does seem selfish.
And cruel and horrible
and ulterior and wrong.
Don't you think
you're being a tad judgemental here?
You haven't done me the courtesy
of hearing me.
I'm all ears.
Fortunately, not all ears.
Look, we just go back to her house.
-We get the cheque. Listen to me.
-I won't.
-it's the sensible thing to do.
-Stealing a dead woman's money?
Stealing and retrieving
are very different.
Why don't we just
go after her fillings too.
The price of gold's
about to take a nosedive-- Maddie.
Stop the car now.
Now turn around.
-Stop the car or turn around?
-David.
Look we gave her the money.
It was a decent thing to do.
In retrospect, I'm glad we did it.
But now she's gone.
And I believe she'd want us
to have the dough. I do.
What about her family?
Everybody has a family.
The family that's gonna
come out of the drain...
...when they get wind of this. Do you
really think Nora would want that?
Greedy, grasping relatives
bickering over her money?
Right. She'd rather have
greedy, grasping strangers have it.
Look. We-- You gave it to her
because you thought she needed it.
Even though legally it belonged to us,
am I correct?
-You are heel.
-Say her relatives do find this cheque.
Don't you think they might wonder
where this came from?
And don't you think they might
discover that it's a bounty cheque...
...for Nora's late husband.
Don't you think that might be an
unfortunate way to be remembered?
Aunt Nora,
the one who married the axe murderer.
Doesn't make for a great epitaph.
I'll bet Nora would thank us...
...for keeping this chapter of her life
a secret.
I rest my case.
I must be losing my mind,
you're starting to make sense.
-I hate this. What if we get caught?
-We're not.
What if we do?
Great.
Now we're breaking and entering.
-We're licensed detectives.
-We're nothing of the sort.
We're thieves and We're thieving.
We're taking something back
that used to belong to us.
-Worse that makes us is Indian givers.
-I hate this.
As soon as we find the cheque
we'll get out of here.
All right, now,
if I were 15 grand where would I hide?
Underwear drawer.
I hate this.
Check the stand. I'll get the dresser.
-Maybe she already cashed it.
-No way, the banks were closed.
Get a load of this home-entertainment
unit right here.
Now this is you.
I'll close my eyes if you
wanna take it for a little test ride.
How can you paw
through people's things?
Doesn't it make you feel dirty?
Only if there is no emotional
commitment. Check the closet.
There's a pretty nice
lingerie collection.
Why don't women wear
all the good things on the outside?
-I got it, Maddie.
-Not for long.
Have you got a frog in your throat?
-I really hate this.
-Hand it over.
Unless you want your girlfriend
to become part of the wallpaper.
-I'm not his girlfriend.
-Yeah, we're pals.
-Give me the cheque.
-This cheque?
I was checking
to see if it was the right cheque.
Now, you two, take a seat on the bed.
Great. My feet are killing me.
Wait a minute,
don't I know you from someplace?
-One of the six?
-He was at the pool hall.
-He wasn't.
-The one who gave you the lighter.
That was a different guy.
This guy's shorter and chubbier.
-I'm sure it was him.
-Have I ever met you before?
-Shut up.
-You killed Richard Cooper.
No, we wouldn't be
having this conversation.
It was your fingerprints,
you are Richard Cooper.
-And Maximillian Petrovsky.
-Very good.
-Now start praying.
-Wait a minute, hold it.
You can't bump us off
and leave all these people in suspense.
-Why not?
-We got seven plot points to cover.
I'm all those people.
I'm also Nora's husband.
-Or was her husband.
-You killed her.
-It was part of the plan.
-And the guy in the car.
You frame someone
with your identity.
When he got torched,
the cops stop looking for you.
-Lays out nice.
-Who was the stand in?
-Charlie.
-Charlie.
We were cellmates for 10 years.
He fell in love with the picture of Nora.
After he got out, he looked her up,
passed himself off as me.
-You knew.
-Sure. It was my idea.
And, what the hell.
I was a lifer, I hardly knew her.
How did you get Nora to go along?
After I broke out, I found
where her and Charlie were living.
Minute she laid eyes on me,
it was Mardi Gras again.
-And she helped you frag the guy.
-So you could live happily ever after.
Only she didn't.
-Her problem, not mine.
-Then you picked up the bounty.
Yeah, nice little bonus.
Never would have occurred
if you hadn't given Nora that cheque.
So shoot me. Just kidding.
-Let me give you advice.
-What's that?
Use a pillow. it'll muffle the sound.
I don't need advice
on how to kill someone.
You're a very tough guy
but it's a quiet neighbourhood.
The neighbours have ears.
Well, it is your murder.
Charlie. What are you doing alive?
-David.
-Come on. Stop the guy.
He's getting away.
Hey.
Hey.
We just happened to find one.
Got a bell, too. Get out of the way,
you bonehead. Look out!
-Pump.
-I'm pumping.
-Pump harder.
-I'm pumping as hard as I can.
I know that you can pump harder
when you want.
Well, that's easy for you to say, all you
gotta do is go along for the ride.
Hey, don't you think
we'd better slam on the breaks.
Maybe there is a big kahuna after all.
Stop that.
Get up, David.
-Get up.
-I thought I was up.
We have to catch him
he's getting away.
Go ahead.
I'll meet you later for cocktails.
Don't be such a baby, David.
Oh, Maddie,
can't we just let one bad guy get away.
-Get up.
-Besides...
...I thought
I made a pretty good baby.
David.
Excuse me, ma'am.
-Is this individual bothering you?
-No.
That individual
stole my little brother's bike.
Hop on.
Wait a minute, what about me?
-Pump.
-Pump?
Pump.
Nice bike.
-Thanks, your old lady ain't bad either.
-What do you mean "old lady?"
-Is this the guy?
-That's the one.
That piece of mould,
the pathetic excuse for Homo sapiens.
The liar, the fraud, the murderer.
-I thought he stole your brother's bike.
-Oh, he did that too.
Not so brave now are you, blondie?
Just try it, Coop--
Or is it Maximillian?
David.
-Are you okay?
-Fine and dandy.
You always did
make a good impression.
Simple principle
of impact and angles.
Thank you.
The right impact at the right angle,
that's what the game's all about.
Actually,
it's what most games are all about.
Physics.
Politics.
Seduction.
Impact and angles.
Now,
don't be embarrassed if you mess up.
You're inexperienced...
...and, frankly, you're just not built
to excel at this game.
-it's an aerodynamic thing.
-An aerodynamic thing?
With practise,
you might get the hang of it.
-You think so?
-Maybe.
David, I really appreciate you
taking the time to teach me.
It's my pleasure.
I guess
that's why we're a great team.
We know each other's strengths,
we know each other's weaknesses.
We fill in each other's blanks.
Yes. We do, don't we?
Course that couldn't happen
unless you really know someone.
Orchestra to balcony.
-Like this?
-Looking good.
David, you know that guy
in the fraternity house?
-Slippery when wet.
-We never really were intimate.
But he sure taught me
how to handle a stick.
-Yeah, me too.
Hey, hey, hey. What's the hurry?
I gotta get some sleep.
-I have to be at work first thing.
-Find yourself the right guy...
...pretty girl like you won't have to be
punching a time clock at dawn.
Find myself the right guy,
I won't have to go on dates with you.
Come on, Danny.
Let go.
-I mean it.
-Okay.
Okay, but give me one more kiss.
-Come on, give me one more kiss.
-Okay.
I want a real one.
Good night.
Let me bum a cigarette
for the ride home.
There's a machine at the gas station.
-Come on, baby.
-Good night.
For crying out loud.
Can't you take drop dead
for an answer?
Look, I thought I told you--
Hello, Nora. it's me.
Hello.
Blue Moon Agency
of Private Detection.
We yearn to guide you
in a virtuous direction.
From the dawn of fair youth,
till hoary convalescence.
To fight the good fight
is our goal and our essence.
Can you please hold?
All right, look. This is not my job.
I am not trained in the kind of
commercial doggerel Agnes dishes out.
Albeit,
well-crafted commercial doggerel.
And if anyone here thinks
he or she can do better...
...they are heartily invited to try.
Obnoxious, toady,
spewing gobbledegook.
Pretentious, a put on,
take a mirror and look.
You make me vomit,
you fuzz-coated yutz.
Whoever sired you was totally nuts.
Nice talk, MacGi|icuddy.
-Herbert.
-Agnes, where have you been?
In the necessary room.
What are you doing?
Someone had to answer.
It was ringing off the hook.
Thank you. We regret the delay.
We're eager
to hear what you have to say.
Hello. Hello?
They hung up.
What did you say to them?
Well, I don't recall exactly.
-Did you rhyme?
-Of course, I rhymed.
I metaphored. I similied.
I metonymied.
I even hyperboled. Ask them.
Herbert Quentin Viola,
don't you ever do that again.
No one answers this phone
except numero uno.
Not Miss Hayes. Not Mr. Addison.
No lips touch this receiver
except for mine.
-What happens when you're not here?
-I'm never not here.
What about that little journey
to the necessary room?
I time myself. I can make it there
and back in six rings.
Five on a day
when I haven't had a lot of coffee.
Good morning, Mr. Addison.
-I mean, good afternoon.
-Already?
Where does the time go?
-Rough night?
-Well, not really a rough night.
It's a pretty rough morning though.
Sun came up a little earlier
than usual.
You'd think for all the rent we pay here
we could get a room that didn't spin.
-What's on the agenda for today?
-Well.
Oh, there's no need to shout,
Miss Di Pesto.
Oh, sorry.
-There was a meeting.
-A meeting?
Ten o'clock.
-This meeting, was it important?
-It was a client.
-So I guess Miss Hayes knew about it.
-Yes, sir.
And being the shrewd devil that she is,
she probably noticed my absence.
Kind of.
Okay, well, that's enough business.
Let's go to lunch. Come on. I'm buying.
Yes, Miss Hayes.
Yes, Miss Hayes.
That was Miss Hayes.
She wants to see you
in her office now.
How do I look?
-Lie.
-Lie.
Lie.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm gonna go in there...
...look her in the peepers
and tell her the truth.
When I came to on the mother ship,
the pinheads from the planet Spud...
...were inserting a glowing orb
into my pancreas.
I, of course, felt duty-bound
to call the National Enquire...
...and then I came to the office.
Hi.
-When did you get in?
-Right to the juggler, huh?
It was just a question.
Okay.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
There were no pinheads.
-There-- There is no planet Spud.
-No big deal.
No big deal?
Am I on the right show?
Don't worry. I'm sure you had a reason
why you missed the meeting.
Since you wheedled it out of me.
The last thing I remember clearly...
...is bobbing for lemon wedges with a
guy who makes pot holders out of hair.
Gosh, Dave, what happened then?
Well, woke up on a houseboat...
...with a female wrestler
on my way to Catalina.
-Did you have fun?
-One of the top 23 times in my life.
Great. I have something for you.
It's pink. it's got my name on it.
-And it ain't to title to the beamer.
-Open it.
And give you the satisfaction
of terminating my services. Never.
-I quit.
-David, I didn't fire you.
-What was that?
-A bonus cheque.
A bonus cheque?
-As in pay to the order of--
-Yes.
We got the money
on the Anselmo case...
...and that was your share.
I come to work two hours late...
...looking like something that got found
under a sofa, and you give me a bonus.
What is reality?
I've accepted the fact
that you miss meetings.
-You have?
-I have.
Oh, no, you haven't.
Getting mad takes too much time
and energy. I've got a business to run.
Oh, we're gonna get the old:
"I'm not gonna get mad
at David anymore" speech.
Happens once a season,
lasts about one episode.
The last time I heard this speech
you were dancing around...
...doing a hoochie coochie
with a spaceman.
If I'm gonna bein business
with you...
...I'm gonna have to learn
to accept you for who you are.
Once and for all, finally and forever,
warts and all.
Warts? I haven't touched a toad.
Quirks, faults, flaws, fetishes,
call it whatever you want.
I'm not gonna let it get to me
anymore.
Maddie, don't bulldoze a bulldozer.
Don't kid a Kidder.
I know you. I know who you are.
And I know what's going through
that honey-blonde noggin of yours.
-You think you know me.
-Inside and out, orchestra to balcony.
Like the back of my hand. And I'm on
pretty good terms with my hand.
You're wrong. There's lots of things
you don't know about me.
It really makes you uncomfortable
that I know where all your buttons are.
I'm not a car stereo, David.
I'm not uncomfortable.
-Then why is your nostril flaring?
-I'm annoyed with this conversation.
I know because I got your number.
I got your handicap.
You're as regular as clockwork,
like Old Faithful...
...only younger and steamier.
I'm not saying there aren't things about
me that you know better than anyone.
There's a lot of other things,
parts of me you've never seen.
Like that extra thigh
you got stashed in the closet?
David. Parts of me that no one else
has ever seen, and I like it that way.
You know what you know about me
because I want you to know it.
I see. So, what you're saying...
...is that after four years,
93 million miles to the sun and back...
...that this is a casual relationship.
Of course not, David.
You know that's not true.
We're friends. Good friends.
More than good friends. We're ....
-Pals.
-Pals?
Pals.
For a minute there I thought you
were gonna say chums.
Or worse yet, "buddies."
What's so horrible about pals?
Nothing, nothing, pals is all right.
Pals is a-- Pals is a blast.
Pals chat with each other.
They go for strolls together.
They take each other to lunch
and pick up the cheque.
I even heard of pals exchanging
amusing stories with each other.
You hear any good jokes lately?
-Mrs. Cooper's here.
-Show her in please.
-Mrs. Cooper?
-Remember the meeting?
The meeting you would've missed...
...but I noticed that toga-party look.
I rescheduled.
I see. But that's not because
you know me.
-No, but I know your habits.
-My habits are not my own.
I merely rent them...
...which is why
I probably can't afford to break them.
Mrs. Cooper, please come in.
I'm Madelyn Hayes.
This is my associate David Addison.
-Hi.
-Won't you sit down?
Thanks.
-Nice office.
-Thank you. How may we help you?
Well, I'm not sure.
I'm married to my husband.
We'll take the case.
We will. You're a sucker
for nut-ball stuff like this.
Please, go on.
Ten years ago, I met this guy
in New Orleans at Mardi Gras.
-You ever been to Mardi Gras?
-No. I'm sure my partner has.
She knows me only too well.
It kind of has a strange effect on you.
It makes you forget
where you're from, how you got there.
Mardi Gras just happens to you,
like an operation or something.
Anyway, the day after I met this guy,
he asked me to marry him.
And so help me,
I couldn't think of a reason not to.
Richard and I spent the next five days
in a hotel room.
It was about
the happiest I've ever been.
And then I wake up Ash Wednesday
morning with a hangover, no husband.
He was gone. Disappeared.
I waited in the hotel room
until my money ran out.
And I tried my best to find him,
but I never saw him again.
I figured it was the Big Easy.
So easy come, easy go, right?
Only it wasn't easy.
It was the one and only time
in my life...
...that I've ever completely connected
with another human being.
So then I got on with my life.
Dated, got serious a few times...
...but I couldn't stop thinking
about this guy.
And believe me, I am not the type
to sit around waiting for anything...
...much less a man.
But I realised I was never gonna be
satisfied till I got him back.
And then a few months ago, he shows
up on my doorstep, out of nowhere.
Did he mention where he'd
been for the past decade?
In jail, in Mexico.
He left me because
he knew the law was on to him.
He figured he better lay low.
But they grabbed him in Tijuana
and that was that.
He never tried to contact you?
You ever try to mail a letter
from a Mexican jail?
Once, a long time ago but--
So then he moves in with me and
every thing's been great for a while.
And then one morning
I roll over and look at him.
And I think, who the hell is this guy?
I mean, he says he's my husband
and maybe he is...
...but how would I know really.
You never talked to him about all this?
What am I gonna say?
"Honey, the meatloaf's ready,
and are you really the man I married?"
Miss Hayes and I
completely understand.
We do, don't we?
-We'll take the case.
-Thank you.
I made a copy of his driver's license,
picture's pretty clear.
And I wrote a list of the places
he hangs out.
Maybe it's all in my imagination,
but I gotta know.
Well, we'll do whatever we can.
Thank you.
And you thought our relationship
was screwy.
We've covered the Pitch and Putt...
...Cheese and Go
and Sparky's Beef and Brew.
-What's left?
-Diamond Lee's and the pool hall.
Boy, is this guy a breadwinner.
He earned some right to some
leisure time after 15 years in prison.
You didn't believe Cooper's story,
did you?
-Yes, I did. I take it you didn't.
-You take it right.
-That rap she laid on us was flimsy.
-What's wrong with her story?
Come on, Maddie.
You don't forget a person.
I remember every pore
on every body I've rubbed ribs with.
Every mole, every birthmark,
every hill.
Dimple, pimple, tattoo.
-Tattoo?
-it's right up here. Same as you.
I don't remember everything
about every encounter.
How many are we talking?
Just a ballpark figure.
-it's personal.
-We're discussing a case.
How many people I've been intimate
with is none of your business.
-It has nothing to do with this case.
-Put them together...
...could you get up a game of football?
Basketball? Bridge? Ping-Pong?
-I don't wanna talk about this.
-All right, then I'll tell you.
Six.
There was a football player
in high school...
...under the bleachers after
the big game.
You were worried about your
reputation. When you saw him...
...you threw caution to the wind.
-I'm not listening.
-There was Joe College.
Golf team, madras pants,
had his own room in the frat house.
Had a sign on the door,
said "slippery when wet."
-I hope your enjoying yourself.
-You moved to the city, had an affair.
Probably some unavailable guy,
probably married...
...which you broke off
and took a vow of celibacy...
...which was good until you ran
into the spaceman again.
Does he count twice?
Then you had a fling with a pal.
And that leaves room
for a one-night stand.
-Are you finished?
-Yeah. That's six.
You're wrong.
I don't know if you put out
for the football player.
If the football player
showed up on my doorstep tomorrow...
-...I'm not sure I'd recognise him.
-A cherry bomb like you...
...I'd keep my helmet on too.
Jeez.
"Cue ball."
Owner blew a few million brain cells
coming up with that one.
-Listen. You should hang on me.
-What?
-Drape yourself across me.
-What on earth would I do that for?
A girl like you
is gonna walk in and get ogled.
-I've been ogled by the best of them.
-Yeah.
You walk in there and you're gonna get
ogled, hogled, moogled and boogled.
What makes you think I can't take care
of myself in there? Let me guess.
Something to do with inside
and out, orchestras, balconies.
Front of your hand.
You couldn't be more wrong.
-Oh, my God.
-You're doing all right.
You should try and gets those hips
as skosh closer.
Don't you dare enjoy this.
What are you talking about?
I never worked so hard in my life.
-Don't any of these people have jobs?
-Sure.
Rent themselves out
as heavy machinery.
Nine ball.
You know, Maddie, something
not too many people know about me.
I happen to be the E in mean
of pool hustling.
-Give me a break.
-I'll give you a break.
I'll give you a break so tough
it'll make a grown man cry.
You wanna unhook yourself
and go get a cue stick over there?
Take it easy, Little John.
These guys are pussycats. Come on.
Yeah and I'm the Catnip.
-The trick is not to hold it too tight.
-I have played pool before.
What, billiards with your mom
on a cruise ship?
Let me show you
how to play this game. Now.
You wanna let it slide in and out.
.|n..
-And out, David.
I am perfectly capable
of doing this myself.
Yes, I'm sure with a little practise you
can become an excellent stick handler.
It's harder than it looks. I wouldn't
want you to embarrass yourself.
-Oh, no.
-Good going.
Excuse me, fellas.
I think you have an extra ball here.
I'm sorry, our mistake.
Nice belt.
Never hurts to carry a spare, I guess.
Thanks.
Next time,
let's try keep the ball on the table.
David. it's him.
-Richard Cooper.
-You're right, it's our boy.
Buy him a drink,
then take the fingerprints off the glass.
Send a total stranger a cocktail
for no good reason...
...he knows you want something.
Got any money?
Petty-cash envelope from the office.
-How much?
Five hundred dollars. But I need it
to run the office next month.
Look, I'm not using it to play
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"...
...1500 times on the jukebox.
Although it wouldn't be the first time.
Come on.
Let's put our money to work for us.
Interested in a game,
a little nine ball?
-Nope.
-Straight pool, then.
You break. Winner takes the C-note.
Nope.
Winner takes a deuce.
No.
You sure you can beat this guy?
Do balls ball? Is Minnesota fat?
Are we on?
Yeah. We're on.
That was a warm-up game, right?
I don't take money from dopes.
-Scuzzy. But he's got a big heart.
-Not a bad judge of character either.
Should be able to get
a pretty good set of prints off this cue.
In your dreams.
Just walk ahead of me.
Act as if nothing is happening.
Hey.
Your friend's forgetful.
Left his lighter.
Thanks. I'll give it to him.
How did that get in there?
-Think he'll miss it?
-Only if he needs alight.
Here's today's mail.
And would you like me to send out the
second notices on last month's billing?
-Miss Hayes, are you all right?
-Oh, yes. I'm sorry.
I guess I'm still thinking
about that poor man.
Yeah. Bummer.
Getting blown to smithereens
has gotta be a pretty awful way to go.
I wonder what the last thing was
that went through his mind.
The dashboard?
I think I'll go ahead
and send out those second notices.
Agnes. How are you and Burt doing?
We're fine.
-As always.
-Really settling in together.
Yeah. He's my pussycat.
That's nice.
I guess this is really your first
serious relationship.
-Oh, no. I've had bunches.
-Bunches?
You must have dated
a lot of guys in college.
Seven of the busiest years
of my life.
Agnes, would you mind if I asked you
a very personal question?
-Is this a sit-down talk?
-No. No.
You don't have to answer
if you don't want to.
I was just wondering if those guys
you dated in college did you--
I mean, were you intimate with them?
-This is a sit-down talk.
-No, no, no. I'm just being nosey.
That's okay.
-My life's an open book.
-No. I'm sure it's none of my business.
-Did you like them a lot?
-Almost every one.
And you were intimate with them.
-Almost every one of them.
-What happened afterwards?
Oh, usually we'd take a bath.
No, no, no, I mean, afterwards.
After you stopped being intimate.
Were you still friends?
Sure. I mean, who wants
the football team mad at them.
-Football team?
-Never could figure out...
-...which position I liked.
-How did you do it?
-I took a lot of naps in the afternoon.
-No, no.
How did you stay friends
with everyone?
I don't know. It just sort of
happened that way, I guess.
-You didn't find that difficult.
-No.
And you never sat down with someone
to redefine your relationship.
Figure out where you stood,
give yourself a name.
-Like?
-Like just friends...
...former lovers, pals.
Sounds so over with.
Yeah. I guess it does.
I got weird news
and I got really weird news.
Well, busy, busy, busy.
David, I don't think
I can take any more weird news.
-I just found out Agnes has a past.
-Let her in football.
I hear they retired her jersey.
So, what do you want?
Weird or really weird?
-Weird.
-Good choice.
My friend down at Homicide
said the fingerprints match up.
-It was Richard Cooper.
-So it was Cooper.
Yes and no.
Well, it was Richard Cooper.
But it was also John Kravitz, Peter
Wentwhistle, Sam Strankweather...
...Keith Blackpool, and my personal
favourite, Maximillian Petrovsky.
-You mean he had five aliases?
-Aliasi?
Five different names,
five different states.
He was wanted for grand-theft auto,
burglary, breaking and entering...
...mans|aughter, murder one, two, three
and a partridge in a pear tree.
-That man?
-That man.
How could he be? He looked normal.
Your average axe murderer's
probably gonna hit the showers ....
-...after a hard day on the rampage.
-Did his wife know?
There was a lot she didn't know.
She didn't know he escaped from
prison, wanted in five different states.
I'm pretty sure she didn't know her
name was Mrs. Maximillian Petrovsky.
Poor thing.
Do the police have any idea
who did it or why?
Nothing solid.
But with a record like that...
...the guy's bound
to have made enemies.
And now, moving right along
to really weird news. Voila.
-What's that?
-What's it look like?
A cheque made out to us for 15--
-Is that three zeroes?
-It is.
Who would write a cheque
for so much?
A very grateful
law-enforcement official.
-He would?
-He did.
-He did.
-That is the bounty.
And I don't mean the boat
because our ship just came in.
Cooper had a price on his head.
What shall we do,
get them tanning salons?
-No.
-Right. We should go to Ixtapa.
Spend two months
drizzling butter on each other.
-This is not ours.
-Sure it is.
-I don't care, we're not gonna keep it.
-But why? We found him.
Said, "Dead or alive." Didn't
say anything about being charbroiled.
-You never cease to amaze me.
-I am pretty doggone special, huh?
-You're thinking I'm callous.
-That's exactly what I'm thinking.
Since you know so much, I won't
tell you why we're not gonna keep it.
Come on, Maddie.
I feel sorry for what happened.
But we don't make the rules.
We don't put the bounty on his head.
We found him. We identified him.
We earned that money fair and square.
-We got a right to keep it.
-We're giving it to Nora Cooper.
Nora Cooper?
What can Nora do with 15 grand--?
It's a decent and honourable thing
to do. The subject is closed.
-How could the subject be closed?
-it's a free country.
-Say whatever you want.
-That's very democrat.
I should have known
you're gonna pull something.
Why don't we open the window up
and throw the money to the people.
The next time the bills started piling
up and you go to your chequebook...
...and all you see is red, don't come
looking for old unreliable Dave.
-I don't even know why--
-David, I've already told you.
I accept the fact that you're callous,
course, tardy, unreliable.
Just accept the fact that
we're not gonna accept this cheque.
-Okay.
-Fine. Thanks.
How about a fifty-fifty split.
There's plenty of money.
David, 10 years is a long time to wait
for something and not get it. Okay.
Maybe I'm being more sentimental than
practical. Maybe I'm just being stupid.
Do you know
what that woman got for being there...
...for all those years for that man?
Nothing.
Why do you want me to have this?
I feel it's the least we could do.
But it's so much money.
I've endorsed the cheque over to you.
All you have to do is cash it.
Well, that's very generous of you.
I don't know what else to say.
It's so hard for me to think
about money now.
Especially this money.
I know how you must feel,
Mrs. Cooper.
I'm really sorry
everything worked out this way.
He was so nervous, so scared.
He's always looking
over his shoulder.
Not at all the man I remember.
What little I could remember.
I guess that's what made me wonder.
Well...
...whatever he was looking for
found him first.
I just wish he could have told me,
confided in me.
But we had so little time together.
So many years apart.
We were strangers.
Mrs. Cooper,
if there's anything I can do.
Well, you did what I hired you to do.
-So how did it go?
-Fine. She was very grateful.
Yeah.
Now, she's buying rounds
down at Sparky's Beef and Brew.
-David, please, I'm hushed.
-Yeah.
But it's a good kind of hushed?
You went out there...
...rolled up your sleeves, dug up
some dirt, ruined a woman's life...
...and gave away all our money.
I can think of a more rewarding job
than that.
Unless, of course,
you work for the government.
-Heading home?
-To peace and quiet.
So, what's it gonna be tonight,
diet delight out of a plastic bag?
A little chardonnay.
A candlelit bubble bath for one.
A little late news, and then
off to dreamland all by yourself.
I know what you've been doing, David.
Mapping me out like you've been doing.
Who I've slept with.
When, where, how, why.
-Only to prove a point.
-And you've proved it.
You do know me better
than anybody in the world.
Better than I wanna admit.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
Thank you.
What I resent is:
You say you know me...
...but you make it sound
like I'm a territory you've settled.
Or a piece of music you've mastered.
That's all right, David. I understand.
Because I know you too.
You're just as confused about us
as I am.
As far as I'm concerned there isn't
anything confusing about us.
"Us" banters.
And "us" solve cases.
And "us" used to do it...
...a lot more than "us"
is doing it now.
Okay, be glib.
Glib is what you do best.
But the truth,
not your version or my version...
...but the plain and simple truth is
we're trying to climb this ladder...
...from the middle.
We're not at the beginning.
We've got a ways to go and we don't
know where we're gonna end up.
But we're on this ladder
and I don't see a way off.
So, what shall we do?
Don' t look down.
So you don't really wanna eat dinner
out of a plastic bag tonight, do you?
I'm not married to the idea.
-What are you in the mood for?
-What are you in the mood for?
A nice little bistro...
...couple of steaks.
Fortunately,
I already made reservations.
Don't answer.
Hello. Yes, this is she.
When?
Thank you.
Downers and Scotch is one way to get
over Mardi Gras. That was the police.
Nora Cooper is dead.
Is that the sun coming up?
Either that or the moon's
got one hell of an infection.
Can you believe it?
Nobody shouts suicide,
it keeps the police stationed all night.
I would have been asleep hours ago
if you remembered to pay your tickets.
Well, I figured the authorities
prefer to get one big cheque.
Anyway, the bail bonder says
he'll drop the felony no parking.
-So how about that dinner?
-At 6 in the morning?
We shouldn't have to wait for a table.
I know a place. Cackles on a raft...
...cups of Joe.
You'll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
-I just wanna go to bed.
-All right.
But the way to my heart's
through my stomach.
I thought you said this place
was around the corner.
-I didn't say which corner.
-I don't see any.
-Well, I'm taking the scenic route.
-What are you up to?
-Nothing.
-I smell one of your secret agendas.
I just haven't had
my morning shower yet, that's all.
-The truth is I started thinking.
-I hate it when you do that.
What I'm thinking about is:
I'm thinking about that cheque.
The one with 15 and lots of zeroes.
-Nora's cheque?
-I can't see how Nora...
...has much use for it anymore.
-I know what you're thinking.
-You don't.
-You're thinking, "That selfish swine."
-That's the 9:00 version.
I admit,
at first blush it does seem selfish.
And cruel and horrible
and ulterior and wrong.
Don't you think
you're being a tad judgemental here?
You haven't done me the courtesy
of hearing me.
I'm all ears.
Fortunately, not all ears.
Look, we just go back to her house.
-We get the cheque. Listen to me.
-I won't.
-it's the sensible thing to do.
-Stealing a dead woman's money?
Stealing and retrieving
are very different.
Why don't we just
go after her fillings too.
The price of gold's
about to take a nosedive-- Maddie.
Stop the car now.
Now turn around.
-Stop the car or turn around?
-David.
Look we gave her the money.
It was a decent thing to do.
In retrospect, I'm glad we did it.
But now she's gone.
And I believe she'd want us
to have the dough. I do.
What about her family?
Everybody has a family.
The family that's gonna
come out of the drain...
...when they get wind of this. Do you
really think Nora would want that?
Greedy, grasping relatives
bickering over her money?
Right. She'd rather have
greedy, grasping strangers have it.
Look. We-- You gave it to her
because you thought she needed it.
Even though legally it belonged to us,
am I correct?
-You are heel.
-Say her relatives do find this cheque.
Don't you think they might wonder
where this came from?
And don't you think they might
discover that it's a bounty cheque...
...for Nora's late husband.
Don't you think that might be an
unfortunate way to be remembered?
Aunt Nora,
the one who married the axe murderer.
Doesn't make for a great epitaph.
I'll bet Nora would thank us...
...for keeping this chapter of her life
a secret.
I rest my case.
I must be losing my mind,
you're starting to make sense.
-I hate this. What if we get caught?
-We're not.
What if we do?
Great.
Now we're breaking and entering.
-We're licensed detectives.
-We're nothing of the sort.
We're thieves and We're thieving.
We're taking something back
that used to belong to us.
-Worse that makes us is Indian givers.
-I hate this.
As soon as we find the cheque
we'll get out of here.
All right, now,
if I were 15 grand where would I hide?
Underwear drawer.
I hate this.
Check the stand. I'll get the dresser.
-Maybe she already cashed it.
-No way, the banks were closed.
Get a load of this home-entertainment
unit right here.
Now this is you.
I'll close my eyes if you
wanna take it for a little test ride.
How can you paw
through people's things?
Doesn't it make you feel dirty?
Only if there is no emotional
commitment. Check the closet.
There's a pretty nice
lingerie collection.
Why don't women wear
all the good things on the outside?
-I got it, Maddie.
-Not for long.
Have you got a frog in your throat?
-I really hate this.
-Hand it over.
Unless you want your girlfriend
to become part of the wallpaper.
-I'm not his girlfriend.
-Yeah, we're pals.
-Give me the cheque.
-This cheque?
I was checking
to see if it was the right cheque.
Now, you two, take a seat on the bed.
Great. My feet are killing me.
Wait a minute,
don't I know you from someplace?
-One of the six?
-He was at the pool hall.
-He wasn't.
-The one who gave you the lighter.
That was a different guy.
This guy's shorter and chubbier.
-I'm sure it was him.
-Have I ever met you before?
-Shut up.
-You killed Richard Cooper.
No, we wouldn't be
having this conversation.
It was your fingerprints,
you are Richard Cooper.
-And Maximillian Petrovsky.
-Very good.
-Now start praying.
-Wait a minute, hold it.
You can't bump us off
and leave all these people in suspense.
-Why not?
-We got seven plot points to cover.
I'm all those people.
I'm also Nora's husband.
-Or was her husband.
-You killed her.
-It was part of the plan.
-And the guy in the car.
You frame someone
with your identity.
When he got torched,
the cops stop looking for you.
-Lays out nice.
-Who was the stand in?
-Charlie.
-Charlie.
We were cellmates for 10 years.
He fell in love with the picture of Nora.
After he got out, he looked her up,
passed himself off as me.
-You knew.
-Sure. It was my idea.
And, what the hell.
I was a lifer, I hardly knew her.
How did you get Nora to go along?
After I broke out, I found
where her and Charlie were living.
Minute she laid eyes on me,
it was Mardi Gras again.
-And she helped you frag the guy.
-So you could live happily ever after.
Only she didn't.
-Her problem, not mine.
-Then you picked up the bounty.
Yeah, nice little bonus.
Never would have occurred
if you hadn't given Nora that cheque.
So shoot me. Just kidding.
-Let me give you advice.
-What's that?
Use a pillow. it'll muffle the sound.
I don't need advice
on how to kill someone.
You're a very tough guy
but it's a quiet neighbourhood.
The neighbours have ears.
Well, it is your murder.
Charlie. What are you doing alive?
-David.
-Come on. Stop the guy.
He's getting away.
Hey.
Hey.
We just happened to find one.
Got a bell, too. Get out of the way,
you bonehead. Look out!
-Pump.
-I'm pumping.
-Pump harder.
-I'm pumping as hard as I can.
I know that you can pump harder
when you want.
Well, that's easy for you to say, all you
gotta do is go along for the ride.
Hey, don't you think
we'd better slam on the breaks.
Maybe there is a big kahuna after all.
Stop that.
Get up, David.
-Get up.
-I thought I was up.
We have to catch him
he's getting away.
Go ahead.
I'll meet you later for cocktails.
Don't be such a baby, David.
Oh, Maddie,
can't we just let one bad guy get away.
-Get up.
-Besides...
...I thought
I made a pretty good baby.
David.
Excuse me, ma'am.
-Is this individual bothering you?
-No.
That individual
stole my little brother's bike.
Hop on.
Wait a minute, what about me?
-Pump.
-Pump?
Pump.
Nice bike.
-Thanks, your old lady ain't bad either.
-What do you mean "old lady?"
-Is this the guy?
-That's the one.
That piece of mould,
the pathetic excuse for Homo sapiens.
The liar, the fraud, the murderer.
-I thought he stole your brother's bike.
-Oh, he did that too.
Not so brave now are you, blondie?
Just try it, Coop--
Or is it Maximillian?
David.
-Are you okay?
-Fine and dandy.
You always did
make a good impression.
Simple principle
of impact and angles.
Thank you.
The right impact at the right angle,
that's what the game's all about.
Actually,
it's what most games are all about.
Physics.
Politics.
Seduction.
Impact and angles.
Now,
don't be embarrassed if you mess up.
You're inexperienced...
...and, frankly, you're just not built
to excel at this game.
-it's an aerodynamic thing.
-An aerodynamic thing?
With practise,
you might get the hang of it.
-You think so?
-Maybe.
David, I really appreciate you
taking the time to teach me.
It's my pleasure.
I guess
that's why we're a great team.
We know each other's strengths,
we know each other's weaknesses.
We fill in each other's blanks.
Yes. We do, don't we?
Course that couldn't happen
unless you really know someone.
Orchestra to balcony.
-Like this?
-Looking good.
David, you know that guy
in the fraternity house?
-Slippery when wet.
-We never really were intimate.
But he sure taught me
how to handle a stick.