Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 9 - Fetal Attraction - full transcript
With Maddie's baby on the way, David is concerned about there being so much to learn. He unsuccessfully tries to enrol in a Lamaze class but an unwed mother comes to him and asks for his help, which he does.
Good morning, Mr. Addison.
Good morning, troops.
Shoulders back, stomachs in,
chests pert.
The sun's in the east
and the ink is in the black.
Nap time's at 3:30.
O'Neill, you can he
the wake-up fairy today.
Wow, the magic's back.
Another day
cramming for motherhood.
You know, he went through
two highlighter pens yesterday.
One pink and one blue.
Next thing you know,
he'll be knitting bootees.
I don't know.
Somehow, all this stuff...
--It just doesn't seem very guy-like.
I mean, pregnant guys
do different things.
They open doors...
...they go out in the middle of the night
in search of weird food...
...they pace up and down anxiously
in hospital waiting rooms.
But they don't sit around all day...
...reading
The Stages of Motherhood...
...and The Wonderful World
of Pregnancy.
Wouldn't you read for me?
For you?
For you, I would commit
Dr. Spock to memory.
Miss DiPesto?
Can I see you a minute?
- Yes, Mr. Addison?
- Agnes, you're a woman.
- You should know about this.
- I am?
I mean, about what stuff?
About babies.
- Babies?
- Well, yeah.
I've been reading all this and learning
but there's a lot to learn...
...before Mr. Stork drops
down the chimney.
I think It's Santa Claus
that drops his load.
- The stork goes up to the doorstep.
- I knew you'd know about this stuff.
Sit down. I wanna run
a couple questions by you.
Run away.
Number one:
Does It hurt when a baby kicks?
I don't know.
Chlidren usually llke me.
No, I mean,
when a baby kicks inside.
Does It feel like there's another whole
person inside you playing soccer...
...or just that you got a hold
of some bad oysters?
I've never been pregnant.
But you're a woman.
You girls talk about these things...
...in the powder room,
at baby showers.
I mean, you must know a couple
women who've had babies, right?
Well, I know my mother.
She was pregnant.
But I don't remember
very much about It.
Yeah, but you're a woman. Don't you
just know about these instinctively?
Yeah.
-What things?
-Mother things.
For instance:
Do you feel like
there's a space inside your body...
...a space for the baby to grow?
That somewhere between
your ovaries, there's a womb for rent?
I don't think so, Mr. Addison.
I think that until a woman's pregnant,
her instincts aren't pregnant either.
Maybe you should ask
a pregnant person.
Maybe you could ask Miss Hayes?
Not just yet.
I thought, maybe,
because you were doing all this...
...I just thought, maybe, Miss Hayes
was coming home.
You know what a futures bet is?
You bet that your team's
gonna win the World Series...
...before the season even starts.
It's like...
An act of faith.
Yeah, It's llke that.
So much of what I have to learn...
...has nothing to do
with these books and pamphlets.
The only thing I know
is morning sickness...
...and most of the time,
I don't even walt until the morning,
I just-- I wanna learn, I wanna
be ready. I wanna be able to help.
Maybe It would help to be around
other pregnant people.
People who are going through
the same thing.
You could join a Lamaze group.
Lamaze.
Well, now, that sounds like
something I could belly up to.
-Bob, Judy, over here.
-Oh, okay.
Hello, can I help you?
I'm looking for the instructor
of this Lamaze class.
-Oh, that's me, come on in.
-Oh, good.
I'm Angela Bridges, RN.
How do you do? David Addison.
I was thinking,
maybe I'd like to enroll.
I'm sorry,
but this class is already full.
But I'm teaching
another one tonight, 7:00.
-Highland Elementary School.
-Great.
Good.
Fill this out,
we'll get you squared away.
-Okay.
-Okay, everybody.
Coaches,
get your partners comfortable...
...and start on the progressive
relaxation exercise...
...I taught you last week.
Is this your wife's first pregnancy?
We're not really married.
No lectures here.
As long as you love each other...
...and are ready to commit
to each other and to your baby.
We do love each other.
The commitment part's
still a little bit up in the alr.
For her, anyway.
You know,
Lamaze requires a lot of teamwork.
And If either of you
isn't sure about...
Well, about whatever.
Well, It's okay
because she's not really here.
-She's not?
-No, she's in Chicago.
But see,
that's not really Important.
The Important thing is that
when she does decide to commit...
...I wanna know all this.
I wanna be the best father
that I can be.
You know, I really wish every father
wanted to be as involved as you do.
But this is about couples...
...going through pregnancy together,
helping each other.
Once in a while,
we get a single mother...
...Who may wanna have
natural childbirth.
But a father without a mother...
I don't know. I'm afraid you
and the other class members...
...would feel a little awkward.
Well, I guess there's no sense
in continuing this.
I'm really sorry.
Me too.
-Nice to meet you.
-Good luck.
Okay.
Okay, people, I wanna begin
with some stretching exercises today.
We're gonna put aside
any thoughts about car payments...
...mortgages, baby furniture
and concentrate on...
"When the human body is tense,
It responds to paln more acutely.
The key to diminishing pain, therefore,
is heightened relaxation.”
That explains
why hickles don't hurt.
Sir, with all due respect,
I feel a little ridiculous doing this.
Ridiculous? Ridiculous?
If Mrs. Lincoln had felt ridiculous,
there would have been no Honest Abe.
If Mrs. Ford had felt ridiculous, there'd
be no pardon for Richard Nixon.
If Mrs. Viola
had felt ridiculous...
...you wouldn't be standing here
feeling ridiculous.
There is a major difference between
me and the parties you're referring.
And viva la difference.
But I need a Lamaze partner
and you're elected. Now, lay down.
I really don't feel very comfortable
doling this.
No wonder. Your uterus
isn't being properly supported.
Sir, that is exactly my point.
I do not have, nor can I possibly
pretend to have one of those.
It's not llke
I'm asking you to wear a dress.
I need somebody to practice with.
Although, you'll like
the number I picked out for you.
Shirtwaist, polka dots,
Peter Pan collar.
Sir...
...] am glad to help in any...
...I repeat, any other way.
Oh, you're right.
I guess I was trying to take
unfair advantage...
...of your sense of loyalty and duty.
Everything we've been
through together.
The sleuthing, the wenching,
the quenching.
I took you on your first stakeout.
Taught you how to fly.
But dragging you
through my affairs...
...even one
as personally traumatic as this...
What was I doing?
I believe you were about to explain
breathing techniques, sir.
Okay.
Now...
...just close your eyes.
Good.
"And Imagine yourself
floating on a cloud...
...as If you were drifting on a sea
of marshmallow fluff.
Relax.
Relax.
Now, think of a place...
...a very special place...
...where you're happy...
...peaceful, free.”
-Baco.
-Baco?
Camp Baco.
I was a CIT.
Counselor in training.
It was the day of the blg canoe trip.
After lights out...
...Pamela Parnel and me...
...Zipped ourselves
into our sleeping bags together.
And we lay there,
gazing up into the heavens...
...watching a meteor shower
shoot out of Orlon's belt.
Good, good.
Now...
...take a deep,
cleansing breath...
...in through your nose...
...out through your mouth.
In through your nose.
Out through your mouth.
And with each breath,
you feel the stress leaving your body.
And pretty soon...
...you'll feel each of your little piggies
get warm and heavy.
Now, one more deep,
cleansing breath.
In through your nose..."
In through your nose, Bert.
Bert?
Pamela.
No offense, Bert.
But this baby deserves better.
May the stork be with you.
HI.
May I help you?
No, I'm just looking, thanks.
Was there something
you wanted to see?
No, I'm here to meet someone.
A woman.
Maybe she's watching
our fashion show in the salon.
Maybe. Thanks.
On Laura, we have a unique
three-piece ensemble...
...all in white, wool blend.
The overblouse and Jacket...
...easily transferable
to a post-pregnant wardrobe.
Something to remember
while pregnant, girls:
Accessorizing
becomes more Important than ever...
...in keeping your look fun
and fashionable.
Laura's medium-brim hat
offers an elegant hauteur.
Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Oh, no, go ahead.
Great, thanks.
Here's a fun outfit in camel,
a touch of the safari.
You know, I never really stopped
to look at a pregnant woman before.
They're really...
They're kind of beautiful.
They're so round.
Kind of makes you wish women were
pregnant all the time, don't you think?
I mean, It just makes me happy
to see them so...
Round?
Yeah. Mind If I ask
how far along you are?
No. Seven-and-a-half months.
Third trimester.
Junior's almost fully developed.
Eating llke there's no tomorrow,
kicking llke a Rockette.
Lots of last-minute details,
though, huh?
Kind of makes you wish
you had an extra palr of hands.
Yeah. What about your wife?
My wife?
Yes, how far along is she?
Now, there
is one terrific-looking outfit.
To be honest with you,
I sat down here...
...because I noticed you weren't
wearing a wedding ring...
...and I'm not wearing one either,
80 I was wondering...
...what are you doing around 7:307
I know I sound llke a nut,
but I'm not really, honest.
I just need you
to do Lamaze with me.
Please, I need you to do this.
I'm willing to pay you.
-What's wrong, Mrs. Jacobson?
-Missus?
You take your wedding ring off
because of water weight...
...and look what happens to you.
I was just looking
for an unwed mother, that's all.
Listen, you got a sister or a cousin
or an aunt or something?
Are you asleep?
No. No, I do some of my best work
laying down.
Your door was open.
I'm sorry If I disturbed you.
No, no. Actually, only the left side
of my brain was dead.
The right side
was negotiating a bank deal.
Lucky you. I haven't been
able to sleep much lately.
Have a seat.
Thanks.
Well, now that both sides
of my brain are awake...
-...what can I do for you?
-Well, I'm not sure.
It depends.
This is a little weird.
Well, you're in luck.
This is weird week
down at Blue Moon.
Your dog kidnapped
your father's face...
...the asparagus are holding
the forks and knives ransom.
Come here with welird, you go home
with a free Teen Wolf coffee mug.
-Really?
-Really.
I can handle anything you got.
Well, I'm not so sure yet.
I understand you're looking
for a Lamaze partner.
Funny, I don't remember
talking to a genie today.
Nurse Bridges called me up
and gave me your name.
She was Impressed with you.
I registered for her class alone...
...but apparently,
a partner's not a bad Idea.
Good old Nurse Bridges.
Good old Nurse Bridges.
Well, sounds llke a perfect match.
I got the pillows, you've got the pelvis.
What do you say we--?
I mean, put yourself in my pelvis
for a minute.
I don't think there's any more room
in there for anybody else.
I mean, this is a blg, crazy decision.
I don't how I'm gonna let someone,
a total stranger...
...share in such an intimate thing.
I'm a heck of a nice guy.
We wouldn't be total strangers
for long.
Tell me why you wanna do this.
-Why I want to do this.
-Yeah, why?
I mean, with me,
It's a little more obvious.
I wanna have a chlid.
But I don't particularly
wanna get married.
But I can't Imagine
why a single guy...
...a Beverly Hills detective...
You don't strike me
as someone who can't get dates.
Falr enough.
Well...
...the short story is...
...I'm involved with this woman...
...who may be having my baby.
Right now,
she's having none of me.
I'm hoping that'll change.
Well, honesty is a plus...
...but this creates another problem.
What is that?
Well, If I'm gonna consent to this...
...have to know that you'll be there.
I mean, not just for the class
with the pillows...
...but in the delivery room.
I need to know
that you'd be there for me.
Well, If I consent to do this...
...regardless of what happens
with the other woman, yes or no...
...I would be there for you.
I will.
I promise.
Okay, for starters.
Okay.
For starters.
Look.
I understand your concern.
I appreciate
that you have some reservations...
...and I have a few of them myself.
But the bottom line is, I need you.
And you wouldn't be here
unless you needed me.
Do you mind If I ask you
a personal question?
What's your name?
Terri. Terri Knowles.
-HI, Terri.
-David Addison.
-Yeah, I know.
-Nurse Bridges.
-Nurse Bridges.
Good old Nurse Bridges.
-Who is It?
-Avon calling.
I'd llke to show you
a few of our products.
Bath gel, emery boards...
...Lamaze partners.
-HI.
-Am I a little too early?
-No, right on time.
I am housebroken, you know.
Sorry. Come on in.
Very nice.
Yeah, labor wlll be a breeze
compared to what It took...
...to get the place
so close to campus.
Some wine?
No, I wanna stay bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.
I don't think that anyone's going to
ask you to operate heavy machinery.
No cracks about my weight.
Cheers.
Yeah, I got real lucky
with this apartment.
I kind of have a rule.
Everything in my life
has to be able to fit into my car.
Of course, I don't know
how much longer I wlill.
Dr. Terri Knowles?
Degree's in Music Theory.
I can't write prescriptions.
Must have been hitting
the books hard.
Now I'm an expert on the fugue.
Well, I was gonna get my degree
in Music Theory also...
...-.but Grand Funk Railroad
broke up.
I already poured you
your wine, right?
You aren't feeling
a little nervous, are you?
God, what I wouldn't do
for a cigarette right now.
Look, stop worrying.
The knuckleheads in this class
have been married since high school.
So what, we're rookies.
We'll be the teacher's pet.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
That means over the next eight weeks,
you moms wlll be learning...
...how to facilitate your own body
during chiidblrth.
Now, I see some of you
looking at me going:
"What's that mean?"
It's just a fancy way of saying...
...you can use your body's resources,
your senses...
...your concentration, your breathing,
to help make your delivery easier.
And dads, you're not along
just for the cruise.
You're cruise director.
That means helping her...
...coaching her
and being there for her, okay?
Okay, let's get started
with some exercises.
Everybody, Ila down.
Find the most comfortable position
you can.
Just pretend that you're at home
in bed together.
Don't worry about how you look.
Nobody's gonna take any pictures.
What side of the bed
do you sleep on?
-The middle.
-Me too.
Tell you what, you take the middle
and I'll hang on to the edge over here.
-How do you feel?
-Okay.
-You comfortable?
-Bug in a rug.
Okay, let's play a game.
Dads, It's very Important
that you know Mom's body.
To be able to tell
the difference between...
...when she's tense
and when she's relaxed.
That's going to be crucial on B-day.
So just for practice...
...I want all you moms
to tense one spot of your body...
...and coaches, move your hands over
her muscles to find the tense spot.
On your mark, get set...
...feel.
What do you say we just limit this
to arms and legs for right now?
-If you won't tell, I won't.
-Deal.
She sald tense one muscle,
not your whole body.
Your hands are cold.
Nothing in the foot bones.
Let's go to the ankle bones.
That tickles.
Come on.
Blue team's getting ahead over here.
-Am I getting warm?
-No hints.
You must think I'm pretty easy,
letting you do this on the first date.
Well, I generally like to plck up
a dinner check first.
Glad to see you two made It.
Well, that's the problem.
We never really did.
This charley horse of yours,
are you moving It around?
Don't blame me.
This is the most bizarre game
I've ever played.
Obviously, you've never
bobbed for apples.
Eureka. The shoulder.
Wrong shoulder.
Okay.
That was easy. Now we're gonna try
something a little more difficult.
-So?
-Yeah.
Was that the worst thing
you've ever done?
No, not the worst.
I'm not looking for you to tell me
It was the easiest thing you've done...
...or the best thing.
No, I could probably think
of a lot of worse things.
-You could, huh?
-Maybe.
Learned about
a half a ton of stuff, though.
Kind of llke we were starring
in a National Geographic special.
I kept waiting for Alexander Scourby
to come by and say:
"Nine months,
there's a baby in there...
...hlccupping, turning somersaulits,
fighting Communism."
Right out of Ripley's.
There was one thing
I didn't learn in that class.
What?
Why a woman
in her third trimester...
...8tlll has these unbelievable,
uncontrollable cravings for weird food.
Double cheese and a Laity,
loaded up.
-Who's the Lallapalooza?
-That's me.
-Thank you.
-Just what the doctor ordered.
What's so funny?
I was once told by a woman
that I know...
...that I was not
the cheeseburger type.
That's funny.
You look great in ketchup.
My father used to have
a Joint like this.
Not as fancy. Bubba's.
Best in Seattle.
I grew up over It.
So not only can I play
Elgar': 'Cello Concerto'...
...I'm a maestro
as a short-order cook.
So, what would Bubba think
about all this?
Not enough fat.
That's not what I meant.
The single-mom bit, huh?
Well, my parents aren't alive.
But If they were...
...they'd probably push me
to get married.
-And you don't wanna do that?
-It wasn't about marriage.
We played in the string quartet
together, that's all.
So you wanna play house
with your girifriend, I take It?
Yeah.
I think so.
Been thinking about It a lot.
A whole lot.
A couple of small problems.
Problem number one: I don't think
she wants to play house with me.
Problem number two:
I'm not sure If It's my baby.
And problem number three:
See problems number one and two.
II guess I'm hoping
that the baby wlll pop out...
...and come running to me
and say, "HI, Daddy."
You're willing to go through this even
though you don't know If It's your kid?
Yeah.
We could work all these problems out.
I just want to be ready, that's all.
Morning.
Got a package for Madelyn Hayes.
Okay, thanks.
Here you go.
Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Your clerk's been embezzling,
your favorite cat's left?
Puppy's been seeing
some blond or brunette?
Mysteriously left out
of granny's estate?
Lald down a bad bet,
stood up by a date?
Your tiara is missing, no one to trust?
Come to Blue Moon.
-We promise a bust.
-Agnes.
-Miss Hayes?
-HI.
This is great, this is wonderful.
It's so good to hear from you.
Well, It's good to be heard.
I just got this package you sent.
This was really
very sweet of you, Agnes.
Package? What package?
II didn't send any package.
The package of childbirth books.
This isn't from you?
That's funny.
The return address is the agency.
Oh, childbirth books, huh?
Miss Hayes, I think Mr. Addison
probably sent those to you.
Mr. Addison? David?
Our Mr. Addison?
Miss Hayes, you know I don't
normally stick my nose...
...in other people's beeswax...
...but Mr. Addison's
been real strange lately.
He's been buying baby toys...
...comparing prices at diaper services,
checking out obstetricians...
...going to Lamaze classes.
Lamaze classes?
Did I do a bad thing?
Should I not have told you?
Yes. No. It's fine. Really, It is.
-Wow.
-Yeah, wow.
Well, I better not tle up
the line anymore.
-Agnes, I'll talk to you soon, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.
Now, this is the critical time.
The contractions are coming
almost back to back...
...and Mom may very well be
on the verge of losing control.
I's crunch time, Dad.
You have to take over as soon
as you see that fear on her face.
She's depending on you.
Make her get back on track.
Make her focus.
Make her concentrate.
Good.
On the count of three,
we'll take a deep, cleansing breath.
One, two, three.
-Good.
-Let's call It a night.
Oh, remember,
be sure to keep practicing this.
All the exercises.
We're more than halfway
through the classes now.
-See you next week.
-More than halfway through.
Listen to me. You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna do fine. I'm gonna be
right there with you, you understand?
Listen, we're a great team.
We're gonna wow them
on the baby bowl.
We'll probably get a call
from the president.
Thanks, coach.
Now, glve me 10 laps
and hit the showers.
What time
should we meet you for lunch?
I should be through with the meeting
around 12:30, quarter to 1.
I'll have Elaine make a reservation
at the Garden Room.
Where's the...?
Well, that's perfect because
I'm taking Maddie down to Michelle's...
...to buy some of those
wonderful maternity clothes...
...that don't look
like maternity clothes.
And that'll give us a lot of time...
...and then we'll go straight
from there to you.
I'll go see If she's up.
You forgot your cufflinks.
Come in.
Morning.
-I'm sorry, I didn"t--
-It's okay, Mom.
Not packing for our shopping trip,
by any chance?
No.
Well, time to run the race.
See you two at--
What are you doing?
What's going on?
-Maddie?
- I don't know, I guess I'm just leaving.
You're leaving?
You don't have to. You can stay--
I know.
I know.
It just seems like It's time, that's all.
II don't get It. Just like that?
Suddenly It's time?
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is all crazy.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe It is crazy.
But It's just started to sink in
that I'm gonna have a baby...
...and I wanna have this baby at home.
My home.
-All by yourself?
- I hope not.
I still have a lot of things
to work out, obviously.
-May I ask you a question?
-No.
I mean, I think I know the question
you were gonna ask, Dad.
And I don't really much care
who the father was.
It's much more Important to me
who the father's going to be.
If there's going to be a father.
Does that make sense?
I know I haven't made It
easy on you.
I'm still not making It easy on you
and I'm sorry.
It's just taken me time
to understand...
...to accept the fact
that I'm gonna be a mother.
I have to take that responsibility.
I haven't been doing that.
Everybody's been doing
everything for me.
Letting me hide while they--
You took care of It all for me.
And I appreciate that.
Everything everyone's done.
But I have to take control
of my life agalin.
Our lives.
Well, maybe...
...we'll take one or two trips
to the coast...
...Just to help out
before the baby comes.
Oh, Mom, that'd be great.
You don't think
we won't hop on a plane...
...10 see our grandchild
as often as we can.
I hope so, Daddy.
just he sure
you have a healthy child.
You two
have always been there for me.
I want you to know I know that.
Being able to come back
to a home like this...
...means everything to me.
-Oh, Maddie, you sweetheart.
- I love you 80 much.
We love you.
I know I should've called
instead of just showing up.
Don't panic! Don't panic!
All right. Did your water break?
Where are the keys?
-David, It's okay.
-Oh, my keys, my keys.
-Where are the keys?
-No, David, It's not what you think.
-You're gonna have the baby now?
-No, I just wanted to talk.
Sorry.
I just wanted to talk...
...10 someone, and since you and I...
...have been through
pattern-paced breathing together...
...I thought It might as well
be with you.
Sit down. Have a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.
Look, I know that...
Well, this is a very emotional time
for me...
...being eight months pregnant
and all, you know.
A woman's sort of at the mercy
of her hormones.
I was watching Wheel of Fortune
the other day...
...and the guy lost, and I wept
for at least an hour about It.
Which is, I'm--
It's just another way
of saying that...
I'm not sure
If that's what this is all about.
And maybe
I shouldn't have come here.
But I don't feel like
that's what this is all about.
And since I am here, just let me talk
and you just listen, okay?
Okay.
You're gonna have to take
my word for this...
...but I'm usually
a very decisive person.
You know, I usually look at something,
make my decision and go for It.
And all in all,
I've done pretty well for myself.
But God, I'm tired.
Couldn't sleep at all tonight.
I hope this is making sense.
I always had the Idea that
being a single parent would be great.
Easier, cleaner.
You didn't have anyone else to tell you
you were doing It wrong.
Just me and my baby...
...who I would love so much
I wouldn't need anybody else.
There's also my rule about everything
in my life having to fit into my car.
Babies take up less space
than husbands.
But now I'm having second thoughts
about a few of my choices.
Not about being a parent.
Just about...
When I got pregnant,
I had an arrangement.
And then when I came to L.A.,
I made a new arrangement with you.
And It was designed to end.
You've helped me, I've helped you
and everything still fits into my car.
But now...
The reason I'm saying all of this...
...now, here, at 5:00 in the morning
is because...
God, this is scary.
I don't think, maybe...
...don't want this to end with you.
That's It, I've sald It.
I'm done.
II don't need you to say anything
to make It okay.
I just needed to say It.
I don't need to hear
that you feel something back.
Although, I think maybe you do.
At least a little bit.
This is a lot to respond to, isn't It?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know. All I seem
to be able to come up with is...
...don't know.
There are a...
There are...
...a couple of different issues here.
There are a few things
that are kind of whacked out.
I mean, doing all this...
...with one woman...
...80 that I can do It
with another woman.
Right?
And that woman ls...
...right now, cooling her Jets
about 2000 miles from here.
It might not even be my baby.
And she can't...
...take two minutes out of her world
to call me and see how I'm doing.
To see what's going on with me.
I can't tell you that I'm
rolling sevens with that one.
Or that I don't have my doubts
about me and her.
Every day.
And also that what we are doling...
...that what we're gonna do
and how I...
You see, what I'm trying to say is...
What are you trying to say, Dave?
This is just so easy with you.
It's just so easy.
I mean, It just...
It just clicked.
I mean, It's not hot, It's not cold,
It's not black, It's not white.
It just clicked.
I gotta tell you,
I'm not used to that kind of dlet.
Things going down that easy.
So...
So nothing.
Yeah, I feel something back.
Do you mind If I ask you something
a little less complicated?
Please ask me.
Could I have a glass of water?
Yes, you can have a glass of water.
You want Ice in it?
- No. No Ice.
- Okay.
Good morning, troops.
Shoulders back, stomachs in,
chests pert.
The sun's in the east
and the ink is in the black.
Nap time's at 3:30.
O'Neill, you can he
the wake-up fairy today.
Wow, the magic's back.
Another day
cramming for motherhood.
You know, he went through
two highlighter pens yesterday.
One pink and one blue.
Next thing you know,
he'll be knitting bootees.
I don't know.
Somehow, all this stuff...
--It just doesn't seem very guy-like.
I mean, pregnant guys
do different things.
They open doors...
...they go out in the middle of the night
in search of weird food...
...they pace up and down anxiously
in hospital waiting rooms.
But they don't sit around all day...
...reading
The Stages of Motherhood...
...and The Wonderful World
of Pregnancy.
Wouldn't you read for me?
For you?
For you, I would commit
Dr. Spock to memory.
Miss DiPesto?
Can I see you a minute?
- Yes, Mr. Addison?
- Agnes, you're a woman.
- You should know about this.
- I am?
I mean, about what stuff?
About babies.
- Babies?
- Well, yeah.
I've been reading all this and learning
but there's a lot to learn...
...before Mr. Stork drops
down the chimney.
I think It's Santa Claus
that drops his load.
- The stork goes up to the doorstep.
- I knew you'd know about this stuff.
Sit down. I wanna run
a couple questions by you.
Run away.
Number one:
Does It hurt when a baby kicks?
I don't know.
Chlidren usually llke me.
No, I mean,
when a baby kicks inside.
Does It feel like there's another whole
person inside you playing soccer...
...or just that you got a hold
of some bad oysters?
I've never been pregnant.
But you're a woman.
You girls talk about these things...
...in the powder room,
at baby showers.
I mean, you must know a couple
women who've had babies, right?
Well, I know my mother.
She was pregnant.
But I don't remember
very much about It.
Yeah, but you're a woman. Don't you
just know about these instinctively?
Yeah.
-What things?
-Mother things.
For instance:
Do you feel like
there's a space inside your body...
...a space for the baby to grow?
That somewhere between
your ovaries, there's a womb for rent?
I don't think so, Mr. Addison.
I think that until a woman's pregnant,
her instincts aren't pregnant either.
Maybe you should ask
a pregnant person.
Maybe you could ask Miss Hayes?
Not just yet.
I thought, maybe,
because you were doing all this...
...I just thought, maybe, Miss Hayes
was coming home.
You know what a futures bet is?
You bet that your team's
gonna win the World Series...
...before the season even starts.
It's like...
An act of faith.
Yeah, It's llke that.
So much of what I have to learn...
...has nothing to do
with these books and pamphlets.
The only thing I know
is morning sickness...
...and most of the time,
I don't even walt until the morning,
I just-- I wanna learn, I wanna
be ready. I wanna be able to help.
Maybe It would help to be around
other pregnant people.
People who are going through
the same thing.
You could join a Lamaze group.
Lamaze.
Well, now, that sounds like
something I could belly up to.
-Bob, Judy, over here.
-Oh, okay.
Hello, can I help you?
I'm looking for the instructor
of this Lamaze class.
-Oh, that's me, come on in.
-Oh, good.
I'm Angela Bridges, RN.
How do you do? David Addison.
I was thinking,
maybe I'd like to enroll.
I'm sorry,
but this class is already full.
But I'm teaching
another one tonight, 7:00.
-Highland Elementary School.
-Great.
Good.
Fill this out,
we'll get you squared away.
-Okay.
-Okay, everybody.
Coaches,
get your partners comfortable...
...and start on the progressive
relaxation exercise...
...I taught you last week.
Is this your wife's first pregnancy?
We're not really married.
No lectures here.
As long as you love each other...
...and are ready to commit
to each other and to your baby.
We do love each other.
The commitment part's
still a little bit up in the alr.
For her, anyway.
You know,
Lamaze requires a lot of teamwork.
And If either of you
isn't sure about...
Well, about whatever.
Well, It's okay
because she's not really here.
-She's not?
-No, she's in Chicago.
But see,
that's not really Important.
The Important thing is that
when she does decide to commit...
...I wanna know all this.
I wanna be the best father
that I can be.
You know, I really wish every father
wanted to be as involved as you do.
But this is about couples...
...going through pregnancy together,
helping each other.
Once in a while,
we get a single mother...
...Who may wanna have
natural childbirth.
But a father without a mother...
I don't know. I'm afraid you
and the other class members...
...would feel a little awkward.
Well, I guess there's no sense
in continuing this.
I'm really sorry.
Me too.
-Nice to meet you.
-Good luck.
Okay.
Okay, people, I wanna begin
with some stretching exercises today.
We're gonna put aside
any thoughts about car payments...
...mortgages, baby furniture
and concentrate on...
"When the human body is tense,
It responds to paln more acutely.
The key to diminishing pain, therefore,
is heightened relaxation.”
That explains
why hickles don't hurt.
Sir, with all due respect,
I feel a little ridiculous doing this.
Ridiculous? Ridiculous?
If Mrs. Lincoln had felt ridiculous,
there would have been no Honest Abe.
If Mrs. Ford had felt ridiculous, there'd
be no pardon for Richard Nixon.
If Mrs. Viola
had felt ridiculous...
...you wouldn't be standing here
feeling ridiculous.
There is a major difference between
me and the parties you're referring.
And viva la difference.
But I need a Lamaze partner
and you're elected. Now, lay down.
I really don't feel very comfortable
doling this.
No wonder. Your uterus
isn't being properly supported.
Sir, that is exactly my point.
I do not have, nor can I possibly
pretend to have one of those.
It's not llke
I'm asking you to wear a dress.
I need somebody to practice with.
Although, you'll like
the number I picked out for you.
Shirtwaist, polka dots,
Peter Pan collar.
Sir...
...] am glad to help in any...
...I repeat, any other way.
Oh, you're right.
I guess I was trying to take
unfair advantage...
...of your sense of loyalty and duty.
Everything we've been
through together.
The sleuthing, the wenching,
the quenching.
I took you on your first stakeout.
Taught you how to fly.
But dragging you
through my affairs...
...even one
as personally traumatic as this...
What was I doing?
I believe you were about to explain
breathing techniques, sir.
Okay.
Now...
...just close your eyes.
Good.
"And Imagine yourself
floating on a cloud...
...as If you were drifting on a sea
of marshmallow fluff.
Relax.
Relax.
Now, think of a place...
...a very special place...
...where you're happy...
...peaceful, free.”
-Baco.
-Baco?
Camp Baco.
I was a CIT.
Counselor in training.
It was the day of the blg canoe trip.
After lights out...
...Pamela Parnel and me...
...Zipped ourselves
into our sleeping bags together.
And we lay there,
gazing up into the heavens...
...watching a meteor shower
shoot out of Orlon's belt.
Good, good.
Now...
...take a deep,
cleansing breath...
...in through your nose...
...out through your mouth.
In through your nose.
Out through your mouth.
And with each breath,
you feel the stress leaving your body.
And pretty soon...
...you'll feel each of your little piggies
get warm and heavy.
Now, one more deep,
cleansing breath.
In through your nose..."
In through your nose, Bert.
Bert?
Pamela.
No offense, Bert.
But this baby deserves better.
May the stork be with you.
HI.
May I help you?
No, I'm just looking, thanks.
Was there something
you wanted to see?
No, I'm here to meet someone.
A woman.
Maybe she's watching
our fashion show in the salon.
Maybe. Thanks.
On Laura, we have a unique
three-piece ensemble...
...all in white, wool blend.
The overblouse and Jacket...
...easily transferable
to a post-pregnant wardrobe.
Something to remember
while pregnant, girls:
Accessorizing
becomes more Important than ever...
...in keeping your look fun
and fashionable.
Laura's medium-brim hat
offers an elegant hauteur.
Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Oh, no, go ahead.
Great, thanks.
Here's a fun outfit in camel,
a touch of the safari.
You know, I never really stopped
to look at a pregnant woman before.
They're really...
They're kind of beautiful.
They're so round.
Kind of makes you wish women were
pregnant all the time, don't you think?
I mean, It just makes me happy
to see them so...
Round?
Yeah. Mind If I ask
how far along you are?
No. Seven-and-a-half months.
Third trimester.
Junior's almost fully developed.
Eating llke there's no tomorrow,
kicking llke a Rockette.
Lots of last-minute details,
though, huh?
Kind of makes you wish
you had an extra palr of hands.
Yeah. What about your wife?
My wife?
Yes, how far along is she?
Now, there
is one terrific-looking outfit.
To be honest with you,
I sat down here...
...because I noticed you weren't
wearing a wedding ring...
...and I'm not wearing one either,
80 I was wondering...
...what are you doing around 7:307
I know I sound llke a nut,
but I'm not really, honest.
I just need you
to do Lamaze with me.
Please, I need you to do this.
I'm willing to pay you.
-What's wrong, Mrs. Jacobson?
-Missus?
You take your wedding ring off
because of water weight...
...and look what happens to you.
I was just looking
for an unwed mother, that's all.
Listen, you got a sister or a cousin
or an aunt or something?
Are you asleep?
No. No, I do some of my best work
laying down.
Your door was open.
I'm sorry If I disturbed you.
No, no. Actually, only the left side
of my brain was dead.
The right side
was negotiating a bank deal.
Lucky you. I haven't been
able to sleep much lately.
Have a seat.
Thanks.
Well, now that both sides
of my brain are awake...
-...what can I do for you?
-Well, I'm not sure.
It depends.
This is a little weird.
Well, you're in luck.
This is weird week
down at Blue Moon.
Your dog kidnapped
your father's face...
...the asparagus are holding
the forks and knives ransom.
Come here with welird, you go home
with a free Teen Wolf coffee mug.
-Really?
-Really.
I can handle anything you got.
Well, I'm not so sure yet.
I understand you're looking
for a Lamaze partner.
Funny, I don't remember
talking to a genie today.
Nurse Bridges called me up
and gave me your name.
She was Impressed with you.
I registered for her class alone...
...but apparently,
a partner's not a bad Idea.
Good old Nurse Bridges.
Good old Nurse Bridges.
Well, sounds llke a perfect match.
I got the pillows, you've got the pelvis.
What do you say we--?
I mean, put yourself in my pelvis
for a minute.
I don't think there's any more room
in there for anybody else.
I mean, this is a blg, crazy decision.
I don't how I'm gonna let someone,
a total stranger...
...share in such an intimate thing.
I'm a heck of a nice guy.
We wouldn't be total strangers
for long.
Tell me why you wanna do this.
-Why I want to do this.
-Yeah, why?
I mean, with me,
It's a little more obvious.
I wanna have a chlid.
But I don't particularly
wanna get married.
But I can't Imagine
why a single guy...
...a Beverly Hills detective...
You don't strike me
as someone who can't get dates.
Falr enough.
Well...
...the short story is...
...I'm involved with this woman...
...who may be having my baby.
Right now,
she's having none of me.
I'm hoping that'll change.
Well, honesty is a plus...
...but this creates another problem.
What is that?
Well, If I'm gonna consent to this...
...have to know that you'll be there.
I mean, not just for the class
with the pillows...
...but in the delivery room.
I need to know
that you'd be there for me.
Well, If I consent to do this...
...regardless of what happens
with the other woman, yes or no...
...I would be there for you.
I will.
I promise.
Okay, for starters.
Okay.
For starters.
Look.
I understand your concern.
I appreciate
that you have some reservations...
...and I have a few of them myself.
But the bottom line is, I need you.
And you wouldn't be here
unless you needed me.
Do you mind If I ask you
a personal question?
What's your name?
Terri. Terri Knowles.
-HI, Terri.
-David Addison.
-Yeah, I know.
-Nurse Bridges.
-Nurse Bridges.
Good old Nurse Bridges.
-Who is It?
-Avon calling.
I'd llke to show you
a few of our products.
Bath gel, emery boards...
...Lamaze partners.
-HI.
-Am I a little too early?
-No, right on time.
I am housebroken, you know.
Sorry. Come on in.
Very nice.
Yeah, labor wlll be a breeze
compared to what It took...
...to get the place
so close to campus.
Some wine?
No, I wanna stay bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.
I don't think that anyone's going to
ask you to operate heavy machinery.
No cracks about my weight.
Cheers.
Yeah, I got real lucky
with this apartment.
I kind of have a rule.
Everything in my life
has to be able to fit into my car.
Of course, I don't know
how much longer I wlill.
Dr. Terri Knowles?
Degree's in Music Theory.
I can't write prescriptions.
Must have been hitting
the books hard.
Now I'm an expert on the fugue.
Well, I was gonna get my degree
in Music Theory also...
...-.but Grand Funk Railroad
broke up.
I already poured you
your wine, right?
You aren't feeling
a little nervous, are you?
God, what I wouldn't do
for a cigarette right now.
Look, stop worrying.
The knuckleheads in this class
have been married since high school.
So what, we're rookies.
We'll be the teacher's pet.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
That means over the next eight weeks,
you moms wlll be learning...
...how to facilitate your own body
during chiidblrth.
Now, I see some of you
looking at me going:
"What's that mean?"
It's just a fancy way of saying...
...you can use your body's resources,
your senses...
...your concentration, your breathing,
to help make your delivery easier.
And dads, you're not along
just for the cruise.
You're cruise director.
That means helping her...
...coaching her
and being there for her, okay?
Okay, let's get started
with some exercises.
Everybody, Ila down.
Find the most comfortable position
you can.
Just pretend that you're at home
in bed together.
Don't worry about how you look.
Nobody's gonna take any pictures.
What side of the bed
do you sleep on?
-The middle.
-Me too.
Tell you what, you take the middle
and I'll hang on to the edge over here.
-How do you feel?
-Okay.
-You comfortable?
-Bug in a rug.
Okay, let's play a game.
Dads, It's very Important
that you know Mom's body.
To be able to tell
the difference between...
...when she's tense
and when she's relaxed.
That's going to be crucial on B-day.
So just for practice...
...I want all you moms
to tense one spot of your body...
...and coaches, move your hands over
her muscles to find the tense spot.
On your mark, get set...
...feel.
What do you say we just limit this
to arms and legs for right now?
-If you won't tell, I won't.
-Deal.
She sald tense one muscle,
not your whole body.
Your hands are cold.
Nothing in the foot bones.
Let's go to the ankle bones.
That tickles.
Come on.
Blue team's getting ahead over here.
-Am I getting warm?
-No hints.
You must think I'm pretty easy,
letting you do this on the first date.
Well, I generally like to plck up
a dinner check first.
Glad to see you two made It.
Well, that's the problem.
We never really did.
This charley horse of yours,
are you moving It around?
Don't blame me.
This is the most bizarre game
I've ever played.
Obviously, you've never
bobbed for apples.
Eureka. The shoulder.
Wrong shoulder.
Okay.
That was easy. Now we're gonna try
something a little more difficult.
-So?
-Yeah.
Was that the worst thing
you've ever done?
No, not the worst.
I'm not looking for you to tell me
It was the easiest thing you've done...
...or the best thing.
No, I could probably think
of a lot of worse things.
-You could, huh?
-Maybe.
Learned about
a half a ton of stuff, though.
Kind of llke we were starring
in a National Geographic special.
I kept waiting for Alexander Scourby
to come by and say:
"Nine months,
there's a baby in there...
...hlccupping, turning somersaulits,
fighting Communism."
Right out of Ripley's.
There was one thing
I didn't learn in that class.
What?
Why a woman
in her third trimester...
...8tlll has these unbelievable,
uncontrollable cravings for weird food.
Double cheese and a Laity,
loaded up.
-Who's the Lallapalooza?
-That's me.
-Thank you.
-Just what the doctor ordered.
What's so funny?
I was once told by a woman
that I know...
...that I was not
the cheeseburger type.
That's funny.
You look great in ketchup.
My father used to have
a Joint like this.
Not as fancy. Bubba's.
Best in Seattle.
I grew up over It.
So not only can I play
Elgar': 'Cello Concerto'...
...I'm a maestro
as a short-order cook.
So, what would Bubba think
about all this?
Not enough fat.
That's not what I meant.
The single-mom bit, huh?
Well, my parents aren't alive.
But If they were...
...they'd probably push me
to get married.
-And you don't wanna do that?
-It wasn't about marriage.
We played in the string quartet
together, that's all.
So you wanna play house
with your girifriend, I take It?
Yeah.
I think so.
Been thinking about It a lot.
A whole lot.
A couple of small problems.
Problem number one: I don't think
she wants to play house with me.
Problem number two:
I'm not sure If It's my baby.
And problem number three:
See problems number one and two.
II guess I'm hoping
that the baby wlll pop out...
...and come running to me
and say, "HI, Daddy."
You're willing to go through this even
though you don't know If It's your kid?
Yeah.
We could work all these problems out.
I just want to be ready, that's all.
Morning.
Got a package for Madelyn Hayes.
Okay, thanks.
Here you go.
Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Your clerk's been embezzling,
your favorite cat's left?
Puppy's been seeing
some blond or brunette?
Mysteriously left out
of granny's estate?
Lald down a bad bet,
stood up by a date?
Your tiara is missing, no one to trust?
Come to Blue Moon.
-We promise a bust.
-Agnes.
-Miss Hayes?
-HI.
This is great, this is wonderful.
It's so good to hear from you.
Well, It's good to be heard.
I just got this package you sent.
This was really
very sweet of you, Agnes.
Package? What package?
II didn't send any package.
The package of childbirth books.
This isn't from you?
That's funny.
The return address is the agency.
Oh, childbirth books, huh?
Miss Hayes, I think Mr. Addison
probably sent those to you.
Mr. Addison? David?
Our Mr. Addison?
Miss Hayes, you know I don't
normally stick my nose...
...in other people's beeswax...
...but Mr. Addison's
been real strange lately.
He's been buying baby toys...
...comparing prices at diaper services,
checking out obstetricians...
...going to Lamaze classes.
Lamaze classes?
Did I do a bad thing?
Should I not have told you?
Yes. No. It's fine. Really, It is.
-Wow.
-Yeah, wow.
Well, I better not tle up
the line anymore.
-Agnes, I'll talk to you soon, okay?
-Okay.
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.
Now, this is the critical time.
The contractions are coming
almost back to back...
...and Mom may very well be
on the verge of losing control.
I's crunch time, Dad.
You have to take over as soon
as you see that fear on her face.
She's depending on you.
Make her get back on track.
Make her focus.
Make her concentrate.
Good.
On the count of three,
we'll take a deep, cleansing breath.
One, two, three.
-Good.
-Let's call It a night.
Oh, remember,
be sure to keep practicing this.
All the exercises.
We're more than halfway
through the classes now.
-See you next week.
-More than halfway through.
Listen to me. You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna do fine. I'm gonna be
right there with you, you understand?
Listen, we're a great team.
We're gonna wow them
on the baby bowl.
We'll probably get a call
from the president.
Thanks, coach.
Now, glve me 10 laps
and hit the showers.
What time
should we meet you for lunch?
I should be through with the meeting
around 12:30, quarter to 1.
I'll have Elaine make a reservation
at the Garden Room.
Where's the...?
Well, that's perfect because
I'm taking Maddie down to Michelle's...
...to buy some of those
wonderful maternity clothes...
...that don't look
like maternity clothes.
And that'll give us a lot of time...
...and then we'll go straight
from there to you.
I'll go see If she's up.
You forgot your cufflinks.
Come in.
Morning.
-I'm sorry, I didn"t--
-It's okay, Mom.
Not packing for our shopping trip,
by any chance?
No.
Well, time to run the race.
See you two at--
What are you doing?
What's going on?
-Maddie?
- I don't know, I guess I'm just leaving.
You're leaving?
You don't have to. You can stay--
I know.
I know.
It just seems like It's time, that's all.
II don't get It. Just like that?
Suddenly It's time?
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that this is all crazy.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe It is crazy.
But It's just started to sink in
that I'm gonna have a baby...
...and I wanna have this baby at home.
My home.
-All by yourself?
- I hope not.
I still have a lot of things
to work out, obviously.
-May I ask you a question?
-No.
I mean, I think I know the question
you were gonna ask, Dad.
And I don't really much care
who the father was.
It's much more Important to me
who the father's going to be.
If there's going to be a father.
Does that make sense?
I know I haven't made It
easy on you.
I'm still not making It easy on you
and I'm sorry.
It's just taken me time
to understand...
...to accept the fact
that I'm gonna be a mother.
I have to take that responsibility.
I haven't been doing that.
Everybody's been doing
everything for me.
Letting me hide while they--
You took care of It all for me.
And I appreciate that.
Everything everyone's done.
But I have to take control
of my life agalin.
Our lives.
Well, maybe...
...we'll take one or two trips
to the coast...
...Just to help out
before the baby comes.
Oh, Mom, that'd be great.
You don't think
we won't hop on a plane...
...10 see our grandchild
as often as we can.
I hope so, Daddy.
just he sure
you have a healthy child.
You two
have always been there for me.
I want you to know I know that.
Being able to come back
to a home like this...
...means everything to me.
-Oh, Maddie, you sweetheart.
- I love you 80 much.
We love you.
I know I should've called
instead of just showing up.
Don't panic! Don't panic!
All right. Did your water break?
Where are the keys?
-David, It's okay.
-Oh, my keys, my keys.
-Where are the keys?
-No, David, It's not what you think.
-You're gonna have the baby now?
-No, I just wanted to talk.
Sorry.
I just wanted to talk...
...10 someone, and since you and I...
...have been through
pattern-paced breathing together...
...I thought It might as well
be with you.
Sit down. Have a seat.
Make yourself comfortable.
Look, I know that...
Well, this is a very emotional time
for me...
...being eight months pregnant
and all, you know.
A woman's sort of at the mercy
of her hormones.
I was watching Wheel of Fortune
the other day...
...and the guy lost, and I wept
for at least an hour about It.
Which is, I'm--
It's just another way
of saying that...
I'm not sure
If that's what this is all about.
And maybe
I shouldn't have come here.
But I don't feel like
that's what this is all about.
And since I am here, just let me talk
and you just listen, okay?
Okay.
You're gonna have to take
my word for this...
...but I'm usually
a very decisive person.
You know, I usually look at something,
make my decision and go for It.
And all in all,
I've done pretty well for myself.
But God, I'm tired.
Couldn't sleep at all tonight.
I hope this is making sense.
I always had the Idea that
being a single parent would be great.
Easier, cleaner.
You didn't have anyone else to tell you
you were doing It wrong.
Just me and my baby...
...who I would love so much
I wouldn't need anybody else.
There's also my rule about everything
in my life having to fit into my car.
Babies take up less space
than husbands.
But now I'm having second thoughts
about a few of my choices.
Not about being a parent.
Just about...
When I got pregnant,
I had an arrangement.
And then when I came to L.A.,
I made a new arrangement with you.
And It was designed to end.
You've helped me, I've helped you
and everything still fits into my car.
But now...
The reason I'm saying all of this...
...now, here, at 5:00 in the morning
is because...
God, this is scary.
I don't think, maybe...
...don't want this to end with you.
That's It, I've sald It.
I'm done.
II don't need you to say anything
to make It okay.
I just needed to say It.
I don't need to hear
that you feel something back.
Although, I think maybe you do.
At least a little bit.
This is a lot to respond to, isn't It?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know. All I seem
to be able to come up with is...
...don't know.
There are a...
There are...
...a couple of different issues here.
There are a few things
that are kind of whacked out.
I mean, doing all this...
...with one woman...
...80 that I can do It
with another woman.
Right?
And that woman ls...
...right now, cooling her Jets
about 2000 miles from here.
It might not even be my baby.
And she can't...
...take two minutes out of her world
to call me and see how I'm doing.
To see what's going on with me.
I can't tell you that I'm
rolling sevens with that one.
Or that I don't have my doubts
about me and her.
Every day.
And also that what we are doling...
...that what we're gonna do
and how I...
You see, what I'm trying to say is...
What are you trying to say, Dave?
This is just so easy with you.
It's just so easy.
I mean, It just...
It just clicked.
I mean, It's not hot, It's not cold,
It's not black, It's not white.
It just clicked.
I gotta tell you,
I'm not used to that kind of dlet.
Things going down that easy.
So...
So nothing.
Yeah, I feel something back.
Do you mind If I ask you something
a little less complicated?
Please ask me.
Could I have a glass of water?
Yes, you can have a glass of water.
You want Ice in it?
- No. No Ice.
- Okay.