Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 8 - Los Dos Dipestos - full transcript
Agnes' mother is returning from a holiday in Mexico. On her return journey, some stolen gems have been planted on her to be smuggled back into America. When the criminal wants his gems back, Agnes and her mother find themselves in a car chase and a break-in. With David and Maddie away, it is up to Agnes and Herbert to solve the situation.
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♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪
♪ Come Fly By Day ♪
♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪
♪ 'cause We Met
Along The Way ♪
♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪
♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪
♪ Moonlighting Strangers ♪
♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪
♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪
♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪
[Cheering]
[Mariachi Music Playing]
[People Speaking Spanish]
Uh!
[Church Bell Ringing]
Woman: I've Been Hearing
Bells Ringing
For 30 Years,
But I Never Heard
Anything Like Those.
Worked In A Church,
Huh?
No. Telephone Operator.
Retired.
Telephone Operator?
How Could You Do That
For 30 Years?
It Rang My Chimes.
10 To 1
You'll Like Retirement
A Whole Lot More.
A Little
Souvenir.
Thank You.
Made
At The Monastery.
Compliments Of
Vista Buena Tours.
Woman: Well,
Isn't This Swell?
My Little Girl
Will Like This.
I'm Visiting Her
In L.A.
On My Way Home.
Mr. Addison...
You Are A Businessperson,
I Am A Businessperson,
And As Businesspeople,
We Understand That In Order
For A Business Relationship
To Succeed,
There Has To Be
Mutual Benefit.
You Benefit From The Services
I Provide.
I, In Turn, Benefit
From The Satisfaction
Of A Job Well Done
And A Salary,
Which Leads Me To My Point.
I Need A Raise.
Cut, Cut, Cut.
No, No, No.
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.
You Walk In There
Like That,
You'll Be Lucky
To Come Away
With A 30% Rollback.
But I Said Everything
You Told Me To Say.
Did I Tell You
To Say,
"I, Agnes Dipesto,
Am An Insignificant
Little Gnat"?
No.
Who Can't Even
Pull Her Own Weight?
Agnes: No!
Who Should Be Replaced
By An Answering Machine
Instead Of Being
Given A Raise?
Agnes: No!
I Didn't Say Anything
Like That.
Not In Words, Maybe,
But That's
The Impression
You Convey.
Agnes, You Sat Down,
Giving Mr. Addison
A Higher Vantage
Point
From Which He Could
Easily Look Down
On You
And Your Salary
Demands.
Instead Of Drilling Him
With A Glare
Of Determination,
You Broke Eye Contact
No Less Than 17 Times.
Do You Have Any Idea
What Kind Of Attitude
That Conveys?
That Of A Person
Who Hasn't An Ounce
Of Conviction
About
What They're Saying.
Finally--
What More Could I
Possibly Have Done Wrong?
You Failed
To Take Control
Of The Field
Of Battle.
Keep The Sun
To Your Back
So He Has To
Squint At You.
It Also Sends
A Subliminal Message
That There's A New
Dawn Of Prosperity
Coming
To Agnes Dipesto.
Maybe I'm Not
Cut Out To Be Cutthroat.
This Is Not
About Agnes Dipesto,
The Warm, Caring Person.
We're Talking About
Agnes Dipesto,
The Product.
But Why Can't I
Just Go In There
And Level With Him,
Tell Him The Truth?
I Need More Money,
And I Think
I Deserve It.
Are You
Out Of Your Mind?
The Truth Doesn't Have
Anything To Do
With Anything Here.
We're Talking
About Winning.
Look, I Understand
Image-Making.
I've Picked The Winners
Of Every Presidential
Election Since 1960...
Except For The Pat Paulsen
Upset In '68.
That Was Quite A Blow.
Trust Me.
I Know What
I'm Talking About.
Shoulders Back.
Maintain Eye Contact.
Make Him Squint.
Hello?
You Rang?
Mr. Addison.
Lucky Guess.
Of Course, You Knew
It Was My Office.
Just Hanging Up
The Suit, Agnes,
And I Do Mean
Hanging It Up,
Because It Is Friday,
T.G.I.F.
I Am Going To Be
A.W.O.L. A.S.A.P.
Mr. Addison--
While You And The Rest
Of The Kids Were Out There
Diligently Doing
Your Clock-Watching,
I Have Been In Here
Hatching A Plan.
Did I Say Hatching?
Yes, Hatching.
Not Only Is It Hatched,
But It's About To
Sprout Wings And Fly.
That's Very Nice,
Mr. Addison, But--
The Truth Is, Agnes,
I Have Got To Put
Some Distance
Between Me
And This Office,
And I'm Going To
Get In A Car
And Drive In A Straight
Line For Two Days.
You Are Not Going
To Know Where I Am.
Nobody's Going To Know
Where I Am.
If I'm Lucky,
I Am Not Going To
Know Where I Am.
Mr. Addison--
Because I Have Got
To Get Out Of Here
And Get This Place
Out Of My Head.
I Got To Clear
The Cobwebs Out
And Get The Hell Out.
Mr. Addison!
I'm Sorry.
I Know You Have Some
Things On Your Mind,
But So Do I, And, Well,
It's Just That...
I Have To
Ask You Something.
I'm All Ears.
Bert's Voice:
Agnes, You Sat Down,
Giving Mr. Addison
A Higher Vantage Point.
It's Crucial
To The Future
Of Our Relationship That--
Bert's Voice: Keep
The Sun At Your Back
So He Has To
Squint At You.
That You Know
Certain Facts About Me...
Bert's Voice:
There's A New Dawn
Of Financial
Prosperity Coming.
Facts About
My Work Record...
Bert's Voice: This Is
About Agnes Dipesto,
The Product.
Facts About
My Years Of Loyalty...
Facts About
My Value To This Office.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
Mr. Addison, I Don't Care
About Eye Contact
Or About Which Back
The Sun Is At
Or Who Was
President In 1968.
All I Care About
Is That My Mother Has Lived
In Bakersfield All Her Life,
And She's Been Very
Comfortable In Her Job
As A Telephone Operator,
And Now She's Retired,
And She Took A Trip
To Mexico,
And She Decided To Stop
And See Me Last-Minute
On The Way Back,
And I Don't Think It's Right
For A Child To Be Ungrateful,
And I Love Her A Lot,
And I Know The Time Comes
When The Kids Have To
Take Care Of The Parents,
And That's Ok, But I've
Got A Life Down Here,
And I Think That If
I Don't Find A Way
To Get Her One
In Bakersfield,
She's Going To
Move In With Me,
So I Need A Raise.
I Knew There Was
A Period In There
Somewhere.
I'm Sorry, Mr. Addison.
It Must Sound Terrible.
My Mother--Well,
She's My Mother. She's--
It's Just That
I've Lived By Myself
For A Very Long Time.
I Understand.
You Get Used To
Playing Monopoly
In Your Birthday Suit,
It's A Little Hard
To Change.
But...
The Truth Is, Agnes...
I've Got To Get
Out Of Here.
I Have A Lot
On My Mind Right Now,
And I'm Not Saying
I'm Not Going To
Think About This.
Let Me Think About It
This Weekend,
And I'll Get Back To You
Monday. Fair Enough?
Fair Enough.
Give Your Mom A Hug.
If Anything Exciting
Happens This Weekend,
Put It On Videotape,
And I'll Look At It Monday.
au Revoir.
Well?
How Did It Go?
Go?
The Shootout
At The Blue Moon Corral.
It Went Pretty Much
Like I Thought
It Would.
You Were Poised,
Practiced,
The Picture
Of Blind Ambition?
How Much?
How Much?
How Much? The Raise?
The Tally? The Bottom Line?
What Did We
Gouge Him For?
We Did Gouge Him,
Didn't We?
Ok. We Got
What Was Fair.
There's No Shame
In That.
Agnes, Please.
Tell Me We At Least Got
The Cost-Of-Living Index.
Can We Go
To The True/false
Questions Now?
What Did He Say?
Yes Or No?
He Said...
He'd Mull It Over.
Mull It Over?
That's It?
It's Better
Than Nothing.
Financial Limbo
Is Better Than Nothing?
Wondering If You Can
Afford
An Extra Pot Pie,
A New Tube Of Toothpaste,
Is Better Than Nothing?
I Think Not.
Where Did We Fail?
Herbert, Don't
Take It So Hard.
besides,
We Didn't Fail.
I Did.
It Never Quite
Came Out
Like It Was
Supposed To.
You Mean You Choked.
No. I Think
I Coughed Once.
It's Just That
I've Known
Mr. Addison
A Long Time,
And I Don't Know
How Not To Be
Truthful To Him,
So I Just
Told Him The Truth.
Which Truth?
About My Mother.
Your Mother?
That's Great.
Just Terrific.
I Give Up
My Coffee Breaks,
My Two-Hour Lunch,
My Morning Crossword Puzzle,
And My Afternoon Nap
So That You Could
Tap Into The Length
And Breadth
Of My Experience
About Getting A Raise,
Just To Suck It Dry
And Then Spit It Out
Again.
I Didn't Do
Any Of That!
I Think You Came
In Here Intending To Fail.
I Think
What You Really Want--
Is What?
Is What, Herbert?
What I Really Want
Is For My Mother
To Live With Me?
Is That What This
Is All About?
Knock It Off, Agnes.
You Know As Well
As I Do
Your Mother Makes
Your Life Miserable.
that's Right, Herbert.
My Life.
Mine, Not Yours!
She's My Mother,
And That Gives Her
The Right
To Make My Life
Miserable, Understand?
And Just Because
I Don't Want Her
To Live With Me
Doesn't Mean That You
Can't Want Her
To Live With Me.
But You're Afraid
She Will, Aren't You?
Then You Won't
Be Able
To Sleep
With Me Anymore!
What?
You Never Did
Like My Mother!
I Never Even Met
Your Mother.
And That's
Just Fine.
The Subject
Of My Mother
Living With Me
And You Sleeping
With Me Is Closed
Until Further
Notice.
Mommy!
Agnes!
It's Really Good
To See You, Mom.
Oh, Honey,
I Have Missed You So Much!
Let Me Look
At My Baby Girl.
Agnes, You're
Skin And Bones.
A Few Weeks Of Home Cooking
Will Fix That In No Time.
A Few Weeks?
I'm Parked Outside.
♪ And When We Say ♪
♪ Hey! A Yip I Ow
Ee Ay ♪
♪ We're Only Saying ♪
♪ You're Doing Fine,
Oklahoma ♪
Both: * Oklahoma,
O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A *
♪ Oklahoma ♪
Yeah!
Morning, Sweetie.
Did You Sleep Well?
Like A Log.
I'm Making Banana Waffles.
Show Music. Waffles.
I Feel Like
I'm Right Back
In Our Kitchen
In Bakersfield.
The Only Thing Missing
Is Bonjour,
Hopping Up
On The Breakfast Table,
Putting Her Paw
In Your Glass Of Milk.
Oh, But This Is
So Much Roomier
Than That Little
Cracker-Box Of Ours.
Real Comfy Place
You Got Here.
I've Got A Picture
Of Bonjour Here
Somewhere.
Oh, Mr. Dailey
Wanted Me To Be Sure
To Say Hello For Him.
Mr. Dailey?
How's He Doing?
Fine, Just Fine.
He's Getting Around
So Much Better
With His New Leg,
But The Potato Salad's
Really Going Downhill
Since His Son
Took Over The Business.
Here's Bonjour.
There's Dad.
In His Pacific
Telephone Uniform.
[Fire Alarm]
Oh!
Baking Soda!
What?
To Put Out The Fire!
I Can't Hear You!
I'll Get Some
Baking Soda!
Aah!
Aah!
Ha Ha Ha!
Sorry!
What?
Sorry.
What?
Why Don't We
Go Out To Brunch?
I Can't Hear You!
Why Don't We
Go Out To Brunch?
My Treat!
You Know What It
Smells Like In Here?
Pancakes?
American.
First Thing You Notice
When You Come Back
Into The Country.
Not That Mexico Doesn't
Have Its Own Great Smells,
But This--Pancakes,
Syrup--
Nice To Be Home.
Almost Home.
So, How's Life
Treating My Baby Girl?
Good...I Think.
What Is It?
Come On. This Is
Your Old Lady.
Spill It.
Job Ok?
Well, Actually,
I Asked For A Raise
Yesterday.
Great.
Oh, That's My Girl.
Can't Be Afraid
To Knock
On The Old Strongbox
Once In A While.
Never Know When
There Might Be
An Extra Mouth To Feed.
What About Your Bosses?
Still Making
Each Other Crazy?
I Love
An Office Romance.
Speaking Of Romance...
Were We?
Anyone Special?
Anyone?
There's An Anyone.
What Does He
Look Like?
Tall, Dark,
Handsome?
His Hair Is Dark.
What's He Like,
Sweetie?
Does He Have
A Good Job?
What's
His Area Code?
This Isn't
Like Zippy,
Your
Imaginary Friend?
I'm Just Not Sure
He's The Someone
I Thought He Was.
You Said The Same
Thing About Zippy.
Hey, All The Things
We Do Don't Turn Out
The Way They Should.
Like Retirement.
It's Not All That
Different From Work,
Except You Don't
Have Anything To Do.
Well, I Bet You Met
A Lot Of New People
In Your Tour Group.
Yeah. Real Nice People.
There Was
Rich And Ruth.
They're From Pittsburgh.
And The Ellises
From St. Louis
And The Mcarthurs
From Bakersfield.
Bakersfield?
That's Great.
Yeah. They're Moving
To Michigan
To Be With Their Son
And His Family.
Oh.
I Don't Really Miss
My Job That Much.
Besides, If I Ever
Wanted To Call
Anyone From Work,
I Can Always
Dial Zero.
Mom.
What, Honey?
How Do You Feel
About L.A.?
I Mean, As A Place.
I Mean, If--If You
Lived Here,
Would You Think
It Was A Good
Place To Live?
Well, It's Not
Bakersfield,
But You're Here.
That's Funny.
I Could Swear That
Same Man In That Same Car
Was Behind Us On The Way
To The Restaurant.
What Man?
Oh, Yeah.
Mom, I've Been Thinking,
And There's Something
That I Think
You Should
Do About Your Future--
Our Future.
Make A U-Turn.
What?
Make A U-Turn.
But I'm
In The Wrong Lane.
Agnes, I'm Your Mother.
Make A U-Turn.
[Horns Honking]
Aha!
Why Should Anybody
Be Following Me?
You Work For
A Detective Agency.
But This Is
My Day Off.
Besides, I Just
Answer Phones.
I Don't Do
Car Chases.
Have You Made Your
Insurance Payment?
Yeah.
Put The Hammer Down.
He's On Us Like Rain
On A Ball Mat.
Hang Tough, Mommy.
I Don't Know What To Do!
Maybe If We Stop,
He'll Just Be Willing
To Talk This Out.
Before Or After
He Twists Our Heads Off?
[Horn Honks]
He's Gone.
That's The Way
To Rip Her, Nellie!
I Wonder Who That
Could Have Been.
1sdi-877.
License Plate.
Your Ma's An Operator.
Numbers Are My Life.
We'll Get Inside,
Have A Nice Hot Bath,
Dump In Some
Epson Salts.
You Do Have
Epson Salts?
You Should Always
Have Epson Salts.
And It'll Be Like
This Whole Morning
Never Happened.
You're Right, Mom.
It's Nice To Be--
Home?
Now, Agnes, Let's Get
A Grip On Ourselves,
Settle Down, Think
About This Logically.
Yes, Let's.
I'm Sure Whoever
Did This Broke In,
Got What He Wanted,
And...
Of Course.
Besides, I'm Sure
Whoever Did This
Is No Longer
In The Apartment.
Why Should He Be?
Aah!
Aah!
Ma, Something
Really Weird's Going On.
I'd Agree
With Weird.
Had This Very Nice
Breakfast Together.
Very Reasonable
Prices.
Then Someone
Starts Chasing Us.
Thought I'd Toss
My Waffles.
Then We Come Back Home,
What Do We Find?
Entire
Apartment Turned
patas Arriba.
Spanish
For Topsy-Turvy.
What Next?
[Door Rattling]
Woman: May I Please Get
My Clothes From The Dryer?
Together: Beat It!
Agnes...
There's Only
One Thing To Do:
Call The Police.
I Will, And They'll
Be Here
In An Hour
And A Half, Maybe,
And Make Out A Report.
What Good Is That
If Those People Come Back?
What About Your Miss
Hayes And Mr. Addison?
They're Not In
Tonight's Episode.
Surely There's
Someone We Can Call!
Hello, Bert?
Yes, It's Agnes.
Yes, That Means
We're Talking.
No, Bert,
Just Talking.
We'll Talk About
That Later.
Bert...
I Need Your Help.
Come On, Ma.
The Coast Is Clear.
Well, Well.
Whoo-Hoo-Hoo!
Pretty Swankola.
Yup.
Pretty Swankola.
Which One Is Tunney's,
And Which One Is Dempsey's?
This Is Miss Hayes.
This Is
Mr. Addison...
And This...Is Me.
Uh!
Ooh!
Oh, Have Quite
A Hunk Of Hardware Here.
Ooh! Real Space-Age.
Hmm!
No Plugs Or Dials
Like I Had To
Live With.
Where's The Headset Go?
Oh, Ma. I Don't
Wear A Headset.
It Squishes
My Hair.
Good New, Agnes.
I'm On The Case.
Know That Plate Number
You Gave Me?
My Deep Throat
Down At D.M.V.
Is Running A Check,
Said He'd Call Me
Back Here.
That Tailgater
Had Better Back Off,
Or He's Going To Get
A Taste Of My Convincer.
Any Thug Throws A Scare
Into My Girl,
Well, He's Bought
Himself A Hurr--
[Clears Throat]
Oh...Mom...
This Is
Herbert Viola,
My Co-Worker.
Your Mother.
It Is The Privilege
Of A Lifetime
To Make Your Acquaintance,
Mrs. Dipesto.
How Do You Do,
Mr. Violin?
Agnes Never Stops
Talking About You,
Telling Tales Of Your Humor
And Your Many Public Works.
But I Had No Idea
What An Arresting
Woman You'd Be.
You Have The Right
To Remain Silent,
Bert.
Are You Sure The Two
Of You Aren't Sisters?
[Both Laugh]
Oh, You Have Quite
A Way
With The Maple
Syrup, Mr. Violin.
Keep Pouring.
Or Screw On The Cap.
Oh, I Hope We Haven't
Spoiled Your Day Off.
Oh, Don't Even Give It
A Second Thought,
Mrs. Dipesto.
I Understand You've
Just Come From Mexico.
Hmm.
I Was There Once...
Hunting Jaguars.
[Telephone Rings]
For Old Time's Sake?
[Ring]
You've Reached Blue Moon.
We're Delighted You Called.
If You're In Dire Straits,
We're Completely Enthralled.
But You'll Have To
Call Back.
Please Don't Be Opposed.
Check Your Calendar,
Blockhead.
It's Saturday.
We're Closed.
Huh?
Okey-Dokey.
It's For You, Sonny.
Bravo.
Viola Here.
What Do You Got?
Uh-Huh.
No Kidding.
Why Doesn't
He Shave?
Thanks.
The Car Is Registered
At Ajax Rentals,
Reserved Yesterday
By A Senor Arridondo.
If We Stop By Ajax,
We Can Get The Address.
You Stay Here,
Ma.
Mm-Hmm.
You Sure, Uh--
I Want To Go.
Mom, You'll Be Safe Here.
Lock The Door Behind Us.
Don't You Get My Little Girl
In Any Hot Water, Young Man.
Word Of Honor,
Ma'am.
Arridondo's Motel
Should Be
Coming Up Soon.
You Know...
I Got To Tell You...
It's Easy To See
Where You Get
Your Charm...
Your Wit, Your
Flowerlike Beauty.
Your Mom
Is Quite A Gal.
Thank You, Herbert.
Of Course,
It's A Crying Shame
Such A Frightening
Episode
Has To Happen
While She's Here,
You Know...
Visiting.
A Scare Like This
Must Really
Make Her Miss
The Old
Homestead, Huh?
I'll Bet Nothing
This Harrowing
Ever Happens
To Her There,
Not On The Quiet,
Dusty Streets
Of Bakersfield.
I Hear
They've Got Quite
A Brussels Sprouts
Festival
There Every Year.
Herbert.
Agnes.
You First.
After You.
Well--
Agnes, I Just Want
To Say
I'm Sorry, Ok?
About Last Night,
Our Little Tiff.
I Wanted To Talk
About That, Too.
Just Let Me
Finish,
Get This
Off My Chest.
I Was Thinking
About It
All Night...
Alone,
And, As Far
As I'm Concerned,
You Do What
You Think Best.
I'm Glad To Hear You
Say That, Herbert.
You Are?
Yes, I Am...
Because I'm Going To
Ask Her
To Move In With Me.
I Know You Have
Misgivings About It.
The Truth Is,
So Do I,
But I Can't Keep Lying
To Myself One Minute Longer
About What
My Responsibilities Are.
I Hope You Understand.
Yes, Well...
It Is, Uh,
Certainly The Proper
Thing To Do.
I'm Glad You Agree.
I'm Glad
You're Glad.
I'd Hate To Think
You Didn't.
Me, Too.
Then It's Settled.
A-Ok With Me.
Liar!
Liar?
You Don't
Want Her Here.
I Do Too!
You Do Not!
Do Too!
Do Not!
Too!
Not!
Here We Are...
The Harmony Inn.
[Breathing Heavily]
Damn!
[Glass Breaks]
What Happened?
What Do You Mean,
"What Happened?"
I Mean,
Where Were You--
Stopping Off For Coffee?
Or Maybe
Checking In First?
It Just So Happens,
I Wanted To See If
The Coast Was Clear,
Take A Look At
The Room,
Make Sure
Everything Was Safe.
You're Lying.
I Am Not Lying!
Yes, You Are.
No, I'm Not.
Are!
Not!
Are!
Not!
Are!
Listen, Miss
I'm-Not-A-Detective,
I'm-Just-Along-
For-The-Ride.
Maybe Next Time,
You'd Like To Crawl
In The Window,
And I Will Sit
In The Car
And Do My Nails!
Do My Nails?
Do My Nails!
Do You Know
What That Is?
Do You Know
What That Is?
That's Sexism!
Isn't That Stooping
A Little Low,
Even For You?
Even For--
And What About
A Not-So-Veiled Remark
About A Person's Size?
Isn't That
A Little Desperate,
Even For You?
Are You Calling Me
Desperate?
Are You
Calling Me Short?
If The Size 4 Fits...
Man:
Shut Up In There!
Can We Get Back
To Secretly
Breaking In Now?
If That's
What You Want.
That's What I Want.
Fine.
Fine.
Good.
Good.
Probably Got Stuck
In The Window.
Aargh!
[Anything You Can Do Playing]
What Are We
Looking For?
We Are Looking For
Anything
That Will
Tell Us Who He Is.
Thank You.
You're Welcome.
Ok. I Was Lying.
It's Not Exactly
Music To My Ears
About Your Mother,
But I Don't Have
Anything Against Her.
I Just Want To Keep
Something Against You.
What I Mean Is...
This Thing
That We Have...
This Reason That
You've Given Me
For Waking Up
Before The Alarm...
It's Important
To Me...
And If Anything Were
To Keep It From...
Fully Expressing
Itself--
Bert...
I Know How You Feel...
But She's My Mother.
After All Those Years
Of Everything...
She's My Mother.
[Door Opens]
I'm Sorry. I Should
Have Knocked,
But I Only Paid
For A Single.
Wait A Minute.
We Can Explain.
We Just Came In To, Uh...
To Get The Hair
Out Of The Drain
And, Uh...
To Clean The Toothpaste
Off The Mirror.
And Now, Well...
The Drain's
Draining.
And You Could Eat
Off The Mirror.
If You Like
That Kind Of Thing.
So I Guess We'll Just
Be On Our Way.
Uh, Clara Dipesto
Is Your Mother.
What Do You Want
From Her?
She Didn't Do
Anything To You.
Why Are You
Doing This?
Wait, Wait.
I'm Not Here
To Hurt Anybody.
The Truth Is, Your
Mother's Being Used
In A Smuggling
Operation
By A Tour Agency.
They Book Trips
To Mexico
For Tourists No One
Would Ever Suspect
Or Search,
Like Your Mother.
Then They Sneak
Contraband
Into The Tourist's
Possession.
When The Tourist
Gets Home,
The Agency Robs
Them,
Steals Back
The Smuggled Goods,
No One's The Wiser.
Bert: And You?
Oh,
I'm A Detective,
Just Like You.
I've Been Undercover
On This For Months
To Make Sure
Your Mother
Wasn't In On It.
But This Is
A Ruthless Bunch
On Her Tail.
Oh, My.
She's Alone.
Ma, It's Us.
Mom?
Oh, No.
Don't Worry.
Don't Worry. She Probably
Just Went Down To The Corner
For A Steak Sandwich
Or A Wrench Or Something.
Mom Doesn't Eat Wrenches.
I'll Never Forgive Myself
If Anything Ever Happens To Her.
Mom?
Who'd Want To Hurt Her?
My Mom's Just A Mom.
Mom?
Please Be In There.
Mom, It's Agnes!
Clara: Hold Your Water.
I Was Taking A Nap.
You Know Me--Close My Eyes,
I Can Sleep
Through A Train Wreck.
[Loud Thuds]
Hoo! Anything Wrong?
Mom, You're In A Fix.
Who's That
With Mr. Violin?
Mr. Viola.
Mr. Viola's
With Mr. Violin?
No, No, No. I'm--
Never Mind.
Senor Arridondo,
This Is
Mrs. Clara Dipesto
Of The Bakersfield
Dipestos.
Mom, He's A Detective,
Arridondo And Sons
Of Guadalajara.
He Followed You Here,
Looking For A Statue.
The One You Received
In Mexico, Mrs. Dipesto.
I Believe A Mr. Burden
Gave It To You.
It Was Only A Trinket,
But He Placed Some Very
Valuable Stolen Gems Inside.
He's A Cutthroat
Who's Left A Trail
Of Murdered Bodies
In His Wake
In A Bloodthirsty Quest
To Retrieve His Statue.
He Was Such
A Good Bus Driver.
Perhaps You Have
The Statue With You.
I Don't. It's Back
At Your Apartment,
if Whoever Broke In
Didn't Take It.
Burden Robbed
Your Apartment?
Burden Robbed
My Apartment?
Burden Robbed
Your Apartment!
He Was Such
A Good Bus Driver.
Look At This Place.
Yeah, That Wallpaper
Has Got To Go.
[Speaking Spanish]
He Says, "My God.
This Isn't Good."
[Speaking Spanish]
"The Blue Poodle Yips
At The Hovering Pontiac."
Scum.
They Grabbed
The Booty.
That One
Totally Stumps Me.
All Right!
Everybody!
Into The Bedroom!
Time To Brush Up
On Our Spanish.
Bert: Mr. Arridondo,
What Are You Doing?
Clara: No, No, Bert.
Senor Arridondo...
[Speaking Spanish]
Let's Just Say...
I Followed This Case
Too Long
To Let Burden
Keep Those Jewels
To Himself.
And I've Worked
Too Long
To Let You
Waltz In Here
And Take Them.
Work?
You Call Theft Work?
and What Is It
You're Doing?
They Call This
The Mexican Stand-Off.
All Right, Kids.
Touch Your Toes.
[Arridondo Speaking Spanish]
Burden: Speak English.
Now Say Your Prayers.
Clara: Shake Out The Rug.
Arridondo: No, Yours!
Clara: The Double
Rug Fall.
I Saw It In "The
Show Of Shows" Once.
Let's Get Someone
To Help Us!
I'm Not So Sure
My Neighbors Are
The Helping Type.
[William Tell Overture Playing]
[All Screaming]
Come Back!
I'm So Lonely!
[Animal Growling Loudly]
Oh! Oh!
Aah!
Please!
I'll Do Anything!
Anything! Oh!
Ah! Ah!
[Alarm Ringing]
Hmm.
Please Don't Go!
My Husband
Is A Monster!
Lady, I
Don't Care If--
All: Hell's Angel!
[Woman Screams]
Aah!
What Was All That?
Oh, Just
A Little Homage
To The Golden Age
Of Tv Comedy.
Nice Try.
All Right. Now...
Shall We Get Back
To Those Jewels?
My Thoughts
Exactly.
Aargh!
[Men Groaning]
Excuse Me, Ma'am.
My Wife Explained
Your Intentions Weren't
Of A Sexual Nature,
Asked Me To Stop By
And Apologize.
Well,
Thank You.
It's Nice
To Know
I Have
Good Neighbors.
Don't Worry, Agnes.
Hang A Few Beads,
And You'll Still
Have Your Privacy.
Clara: Honey,
Your Birthday's Coming Up.
Why Don't You Let Your Mom
Buy You A New Door?
The Police Should
Tote The Note
After The Collar
We Gave Them.
That Arridondo Guy
Was Big-Time--
Murderer, Smuggler,
Jewel Thief.
I Don't Know.
Guess That's What Happens
When You Leave A Man
Undercover Too Long.
Tracking Those Emeralds
Across The Country...
Slimeball By Slimeball.
He Went Bad,
Even Killed,
And For What?
A Couple Of Green Rocks
Nobody Could Even Find.
Well, You Know
What They Say--
There's
A Little Larceny
In All Of Us.
Yes, But As
A Fellow Detective,
I Would Like To Think
That Under Similar
Circumstances,
I'd Be Able To Hold Myself
To A Higher Code Of
Professional Ethics,
That I'd Never Put
Personal Gain
Ahead Of Honor.
Because, In The End,
Justice Is Its Own Reward.
Herbert...
Why Don't You Take
That Load Of Rubbish
Down To The Dumpster?
Ok.
He's A Good Man.
Yeah.
He Likes You.
I Like Him.
Seemed To Have
Your Interest At Heart.
Reminds Me Of
Your Father A Little.
Mom...
I've Been Thinking.
Why Don't You Move
To Los Angeles?
Clara: Hmm?
You Could Live Here
With Me.
You Could Have
Your Own Room,
Your Own Tv.
We Could Share The Cooking
And The Cleaning.
Thank You, Sweetie.
You Left The Nest
A Long Time Ago.
Now You Have A Nest
Of Your Own,
And You
Should Share It
With Someone...
Other
Than Your Mother.
Mr. Violin Maybe?
Herbert.
All I Was Saying
Is, Go.
live Your Life.
Don't Worry
About Me.
Yeah, But Just Because
I'm Living My Own Life
Doesn't Mean That I'm
Going To Turn My Back
On My Family.
You're Living
On A Fixed Income.
Dad Didn't Exactly
Leave You In Clover...
And You're Not
Getting Any Younger.
Neither Are You.
Ha Ha Ha!
Oh, Sweetheart.
You're So Loving
And Considerate.
You'd Never Say So,
But My Guess Is
That You And Herbert
Were Doing Just Fine
Until I Came
Into Town.
Mom.
Agnes, You Don't Know
How Determined
Your Old Mom Is
To Not Be A Burden...
Determined Enough
To Try My Hand
At International
Jewel Theft.
I Figure There's
Enough Green Ice Here
To Keep Me Cool
During My Golden Years.
I Had A Good Think
After You
And What's-His-Name
Left The Office.
Suddenly, It Hit Me.
Maybe They Were
After Me.
Maybe I Had
Something They Wanted.
So I Took The Statue
Out Of The Purse,
Crackeroo, Presto--
Emeralds!
Then You
Came Back Here,
Made It Look Like
The Jewels
Were Stolen
And Then Got Back
To The Office
Before We Got Back.
Wow!
You're Set
For Life.
I Didn't Raise My Daughter
To Have A Thief As A Mother.
Turn These
In To The Police.
They Don't
Belong To Me.
But...
the Rewardo
Muy Grande
Offered By The Government
Of Mexico...Does!
Oh!
Oh!
[Knock Knock]
Good Morning,
Mr. Addison.
Hi.
How Was Your Weekend?
Pretty Good.
Stared At The Wall
And Scratched My Head
For 48 Hours.
Mr. Addison, About
That Raise I Wanted--
You Got It.
I Do?
Yeah, I Kicked
Some Numbers Around
For A While,
Tried To Figure Out
How I Could Afford
To Give It To You.
Then I Realized
I Couldn't Afford
Not To.
You Are M.V.P.,
Agnes.
I Am?
Mm-Hmm.
You Run Blue Moon,
Agnes.
I'd Give You The Sky
If I Could.
Thank You.
Got To Take Care
Of Mom.
Actually, Sometimes I Think
Mom's Still Taking Care Of Me.
That's The Good Thing
About Families.
Take Care Of Each Other.
Eh, You Fight,
Yell At Each Other,
Push Each Other's
Buttons.
Bottom Line Is...
A Family Is A Pretty
Good Thing To Have.
Yeah. Family Is A Pretty
Good Thing To Have.
♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪
♪ Come Fly By Day ♪
♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪
♪ 'cause We Met On The Way ♪
♪ There Is The Sun And Moon... ♪
♪ They Sing
Their Own Sweet Tune ♪
♪ Watch Them When Dawn Is Due ♪
♪ Sharing One Space ♪
♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪
♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪
♪ Moonlighting Strangers... ♪
Captioning Made Possible By
Lions Gate Home Entertainment
Captioned By The National
Captioning Institute
--TC6 WAS HERE--
Lions Gate Home Entertainment
♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪
♪ Come Fly By Day ♪
♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪
♪ 'cause We Met
Along The Way ♪
♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪
♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪
♪ Moonlighting Strangers ♪
♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪
♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪
♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪
[Cheering]
[Mariachi Music Playing]
[People Speaking Spanish]
Uh!
[Church Bell Ringing]
Woman: I've Been Hearing
Bells Ringing
For 30 Years,
But I Never Heard
Anything Like Those.
Worked In A Church,
Huh?
No. Telephone Operator.
Retired.
Telephone Operator?
How Could You Do That
For 30 Years?
It Rang My Chimes.
10 To 1
You'll Like Retirement
A Whole Lot More.
A Little
Souvenir.
Thank You.
Made
At The Monastery.
Compliments Of
Vista Buena Tours.
Woman: Well,
Isn't This Swell?
My Little Girl
Will Like This.
I'm Visiting Her
In L.A.
On My Way Home.
Mr. Addison...
You Are A Businessperson,
I Am A Businessperson,
And As Businesspeople,
We Understand That In Order
For A Business Relationship
To Succeed,
There Has To Be
Mutual Benefit.
You Benefit From The Services
I Provide.
I, In Turn, Benefit
From The Satisfaction
Of A Job Well Done
And A Salary,
Which Leads Me To My Point.
I Need A Raise.
Cut, Cut, Cut.
No, No, No.
Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.
You Walk In There
Like That,
You'll Be Lucky
To Come Away
With A 30% Rollback.
But I Said Everything
You Told Me To Say.
Did I Tell You
To Say,
"I, Agnes Dipesto,
Am An Insignificant
Little Gnat"?
No.
Who Can't Even
Pull Her Own Weight?
Agnes: No!
Who Should Be Replaced
By An Answering Machine
Instead Of Being
Given A Raise?
Agnes: No!
I Didn't Say Anything
Like That.
Not In Words, Maybe,
But That's
The Impression
You Convey.
Agnes, You Sat Down,
Giving Mr. Addison
A Higher Vantage
Point
From Which He Could
Easily Look Down
On You
And Your Salary
Demands.
Instead Of Drilling Him
With A Glare
Of Determination,
You Broke Eye Contact
No Less Than 17 Times.
Do You Have Any Idea
What Kind Of Attitude
That Conveys?
That Of A Person
Who Hasn't An Ounce
Of Conviction
About
What They're Saying.
Finally--
What More Could I
Possibly Have Done Wrong?
You Failed
To Take Control
Of The Field
Of Battle.
Keep The Sun
To Your Back
So He Has To
Squint At You.
It Also Sends
A Subliminal Message
That There's A New
Dawn Of Prosperity
Coming
To Agnes Dipesto.
Maybe I'm Not
Cut Out To Be Cutthroat.
This Is Not
About Agnes Dipesto,
The Warm, Caring Person.
We're Talking About
Agnes Dipesto,
The Product.
But Why Can't I
Just Go In There
And Level With Him,
Tell Him The Truth?
I Need More Money,
And I Think
I Deserve It.
Are You
Out Of Your Mind?
The Truth Doesn't Have
Anything To Do
With Anything Here.
We're Talking
About Winning.
Look, I Understand
Image-Making.
I've Picked The Winners
Of Every Presidential
Election Since 1960...
Except For The Pat Paulsen
Upset In '68.
That Was Quite A Blow.
Trust Me.
I Know What
I'm Talking About.
Shoulders Back.
Maintain Eye Contact.
Make Him Squint.
Hello?
You Rang?
Mr. Addison.
Lucky Guess.
Of Course, You Knew
It Was My Office.
Just Hanging Up
The Suit, Agnes,
And I Do Mean
Hanging It Up,
Because It Is Friday,
T.G.I.F.
I Am Going To Be
A.W.O.L. A.S.A.P.
Mr. Addison--
While You And The Rest
Of The Kids Were Out There
Diligently Doing
Your Clock-Watching,
I Have Been In Here
Hatching A Plan.
Did I Say Hatching?
Yes, Hatching.
Not Only Is It Hatched,
But It's About To
Sprout Wings And Fly.
That's Very Nice,
Mr. Addison, But--
The Truth Is, Agnes,
I Have Got To Put
Some Distance
Between Me
And This Office,
And I'm Going To
Get In A Car
And Drive In A Straight
Line For Two Days.
You Are Not Going
To Know Where I Am.
Nobody's Going To Know
Where I Am.
If I'm Lucky,
I Am Not Going To
Know Where I Am.
Mr. Addison--
Because I Have Got
To Get Out Of Here
And Get This Place
Out Of My Head.
I Got To Clear
The Cobwebs Out
And Get The Hell Out.
Mr. Addison!
I'm Sorry.
I Know You Have Some
Things On Your Mind,
But So Do I, And, Well,
It's Just That...
I Have To
Ask You Something.
I'm All Ears.
Bert's Voice:
Agnes, You Sat Down,
Giving Mr. Addison
A Higher Vantage Point.
It's Crucial
To The Future
Of Our Relationship That--
Bert's Voice: Keep
The Sun At Your Back
So He Has To
Squint At You.
That You Know
Certain Facts About Me...
Bert's Voice:
There's A New Dawn
Of Financial
Prosperity Coming.
Facts About
My Work Record...
Bert's Voice: This Is
About Agnes Dipesto,
The Product.
Facts About
My Years Of Loyalty...
Facts About
My Value To This Office.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
I Can't Do This.
Mr. Addison, I Don't Care
About Eye Contact
Or About Which Back
The Sun Is At
Or Who Was
President In 1968.
All I Care About
Is That My Mother Has Lived
In Bakersfield All Her Life,
And She's Been Very
Comfortable In Her Job
As A Telephone Operator,
And Now She's Retired,
And She Took A Trip
To Mexico,
And She Decided To Stop
And See Me Last-Minute
On The Way Back,
And I Don't Think It's Right
For A Child To Be Ungrateful,
And I Love Her A Lot,
And I Know The Time Comes
When The Kids Have To
Take Care Of The Parents,
And That's Ok, But I've
Got A Life Down Here,
And I Think That If
I Don't Find A Way
To Get Her One
In Bakersfield,
She's Going To
Move In With Me,
So I Need A Raise.
I Knew There Was
A Period In There
Somewhere.
I'm Sorry, Mr. Addison.
It Must Sound Terrible.
My Mother--Well,
She's My Mother. She's--
It's Just That
I've Lived By Myself
For A Very Long Time.
I Understand.
You Get Used To
Playing Monopoly
In Your Birthday Suit,
It's A Little Hard
To Change.
But...
The Truth Is, Agnes...
I've Got To Get
Out Of Here.
I Have A Lot
On My Mind Right Now,
And I'm Not Saying
I'm Not Going To
Think About This.
Let Me Think About It
This Weekend,
And I'll Get Back To You
Monday. Fair Enough?
Fair Enough.
Give Your Mom A Hug.
If Anything Exciting
Happens This Weekend,
Put It On Videotape,
And I'll Look At It Monday.
au Revoir.
Well?
How Did It Go?
Go?
The Shootout
At The Blue Moon Corral.
It Went Pretty Much
Like I Thought
It Would.
You Were Poised,
Practiced,
The Picture
Of Blind Ambition?
How Much?
How Much?
How Much? The Raise?
The Tally? The Bottom Line?
What Did We
Gouge Him For?
We Did Gouge Him,
Didn't We?
Ok. We Got
What Was Fair.
There's No Shame
In That.
Agnes, Please.
Tell Me We At Least Got
The Cost-Of-Living Index.
Can We Go
To The True/false
Questions Now?
What Did He Say?
Yes Or No?
He Said...
He'd Mull It Over.
Mull It Over?
That's It?
It's Better
Than Nothing.
Financial Limbo
Is Better Than Nothing?
Wondering If You Can
Afford
An Extra Pot Pie,
A New Tube Of Toothpaste,
Is Better Than Nothing?
I Think Not.
Where Did We Fail?
Herbert, Don't
Take It So Hard.
besides,
We Didn't Fail.
I Did.
It Never Quite
Came Out
Like It Was
Supposed To.
You Mean You Choked.
No. I Think
I Coughed Once.
It's Just That
I've Known
Mr. Addison
A Long Time,
And I Don't Know
How Not To Be
Truthful To Him,
So I Just
Told Him The Truth.
Which Truth?
About My Mother.
Your Mother?
That's Great.
Just Terrific.
I Give Up
My Coffee Breaks,
My Two-Hour Lunch,
My Morning Crossword Puzzle,
And My Afternoon Nap
So That You Could
Tap Into The Length
And Breadth
Of My Experience
About Getting A Raise,
Just To Suck It Dry
And Then Spit It Out
Again.
I Didn't Do
Any Of That!
I Think You Came
In Here Intending To Fail.
I Think
What You Really Want--
Is What?
Is What, Herbert?
What I Really Want
Is For My Mother
To Live With Me?
Is That What This
Is All About?
Knock It Off, Agnes.
You Know As Well
As I Do
Your Mother Makes
Your Life Miserable.
that's Right, Herbert.
My Life.
Mine, Not Yours!
She's My Mother,
And That Gives Her
The Right
To Make My Life
Miserable, Understand?
And Just Because
I Don't Want Her
To Live With Me
Doesn't Mean That You
Can't Want Her
To Live With Me.
But You're Afraid
She Will, Aren't You?
Then You Won't
Be Able
To Sleep
With Me Anymore!
What?
You Never Did
Like My Mother!
I Never Even Met
Your Mother.
And That's
Just Fine.
The Subject
Of My Mother
Living With Me
And You Sleeping
With Me Is Closed
Until Further
Notice.
Mommy!
Agnes!
It's Really Good
To See You, Mom.
Oh, Honey,
I Have Missed You So Much!
Let Me Look
At My Baby Girl.
Agnes, You're
Skin And Bones.
A Few Weeks Of Home Cooking
Will Fix That In No Time.
A Few Weeks?
I'm Parked Outside.
♪ And When We Say ♪
♪ Hey! A Yip I Ow
Ee Ay ♪
♪ We're Only Saying ♪
♪ You're Doing Fine,
Oklahoma ♪
Both: * Oklahoma,
O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A *
♪ Oklahoma ♪
Yeah!
Morning, Sweetie.
Did You Sleep Well?
Like A Log.
I'm Making Banana Waffles.
Show Music. Waffles.
I Feel Like
I'm Right Back
In Our Kitchen
In Bakersfield.
The Only Thing Missing
Is Bonjour,
Hopping Up
On The Breakfast Table,
Putting Her Paw
In Your Glass Of Milk.
Oh, But This Is
So Much Roomier
Than That Little
Cracker-Box Of Ours.
Real Comfy Place
You Got Here.
I've Got A Picture
Of Bonjour Here
Somewhere.
Oh, Mr. Dailey
Wanted Me To Be Sure
To Say Hello For Him.
Mr. Dailey?
How's He Doing?
Fine, Just Fine.
He's Getting Around
So Much Better
With His New Leg,
But The Potato Salad's
Really Going Downhill
Since His Son
Took Over The Business.
Here's Bonjour.
There's Dad.
In His Pacific
Telephone Uniform.
[Fire Alarm]
Oh!
Baking Soda!
What?
To Put Out The Fire!
I Can't Hear You!
I'll Get Some
Baking Soda!
Aah!
Aah!
Ha Ha Ha!
Sorry!
What?
Sorry.
What?
Why Don't We
Go Out To Brunch?
I Can't Hear You!
Why Don't We
Go Out To Brunch?
My Treat!
You Know What It
Smells Like In Here?
Pancakes?
American.
First Thing You Notice
When You Come Back
Into The Country.
Not That Mexico Doesn't
Have Its Own Great Smells,
But This--Pancakes,
Syrup--
Nice To Be Home.
Almost Home.
So, How's Life
Treating My Baby Girl?
Good...I Think.
What Is It?
Come On. This Is
Your Old Lady.
Spill It.
Job Ok?
Well, Actually,
I Asked For A Raise
Yesterday.
Great.
Oh, That's My Girl.
Can't Be Afraid
To Knock
On The Old Strongbox
Once In A While.
Never Know When
There Might Be
An Extra Mouth To Feed.
What About Your Bosses?
Still Making
Each Other Crazy?
I Love
An Office Romance.
Speaking Of Romance...
Were We?
Anyone Special?
Anyone?
There's An Anyone.
What Does He
Look Like?
Tall, Dark,
Handsome?
His Hair Is Dark.
What's He Like,
Sweetie?
Does He Have
A Good Job?
What's
His Area Code?
This Isn't
Like Zippy,
Your
Imaginary Friend?
I'm Just Not Sure
He's The Someone
I Thought He Was.
You Said The Same
Thing About Zippy.
Hey, All The Things
We Do Don't Turn Out
The Way They Should.
Like Retirement.
It's Not All That
Different From Work,
Except You Don't
Have Anything To Do.
Well, I Bet You Met
A Lot Of New People
In Your Tour Group.
Yeah. Real Nice People.
There Was
Rich And Ruth.
They're From Pittsburgh.
And The Ellises
From St. Louis
And The Mcarthurs
From Bakersfield.
Bakersfield?
That's Great.
Yeah. They're Moving
To Michigan
To Be With Their Son
And His Family.
Oh.
I Don't Really Miss
My Job That Much.
Besides, If I Ever
Wanted To Call
Anyone From Work,
I Can Always
Dial Zero.
Mom.
What, Honey?
How Do You Feel
About L.A.?
I Mean, As A Place.
I Mean, If--If You
Lived Here,
Would You Think
It Was A Good
Place To Live?
Well, It's Not
Bakersfield,
But You're Here.
That's Funny.
I Could Swear That
Same Man In That Same Car
Was Behind Us On The Way
To The Restaurant.
What Man?
Oh, Yeah.
Mom, I've Been Thinking,
And There's Something
That I Think
You Should
Do About Your Future--
Our Future.
Make A U-Turn.
What?
Make A U-Turn.
But I'm
In The Wrong Lane.
Agnes, I'm Your Mother.
Make A U-Turn.
[Horns Honking]
Aha!
Why Should Anybody
Be Following Me?
You Work For
A Detective Agency.
But This Is
My Day Off.
Besides, I Just
Answer Phones.
I Don't Do
Car Chases.
Have You Made Your
Insurance Payment?
Yeah.
Put The Hammer Down.
He's On Us Like Rain
On A Ball Mat.
Hang Tough, Mommy.
I Don't Know What To Do!
Maybe If We Stop,
He'll Just Be Willing
To Talk This Out.
Before Or After
He Twists Our Heads Off?
[Horn Honks]
He's Gone.
That's The Way
To Rip Her, Nellie!
I Wonder Who That
Could Have Been.
1sdi-877.
License Plate.
Your Ma's An Operator.
Numbers Are My Life.
We'll Get Inside,
Have A Nice Hot Bath,
Dump In Some
Epson Salts.
You Do Have
Epson Salts?
You Should Always
Have Epson Salts.
And It'll Be Like
This Whole Morning
Never Happened.
You're Right, Mom.
It's Nice To Be--
Home?
Now, Agnes, Let's Get
A Grip On Ourselves,
Settle Down, Think
About This Logically.
Yes, Let's.
I'm Sure Whoever
Did This Broke In,
Got What He Wanted,
And...
Of Course.
Besides, I'm Sure
Whoever Did This
Is No Longer
In The Apartment.
Why Should He Be?
Aah!
Aah!
Ma, Something
Really Weird's Going On.
I'd Agree
With Weird.
Had This Very Nice
Breakfast Together.
Very Reasonable
Prices.
Then Someone
Starts Chasing Us.
Thought I'd Toss
My Waffles.
Then We Come Back Home,
What Do We Find?
Entire
Apartment Turned
patas Arriba.
Spanish
For Topsy-Turvy.
What Next?
[Door Rattling]
Woman: May I Please Get
My Clothes From The Dryer?
Together: Beat It!
Agnes...
There's Only
One Thing To Do:
Call The Police.
I Will, And They'll
Be Here
In An Hour
And A Half, Maybe,
And Make Out A Report.
What Good Is That
If Those People Come Back?
What About Your Miss
Hayes And Mr. Addison?
They're Not In
Tonight's Episode.
Surely There's
Someone We Can Call!
Hello, Bert?
Yes, It's Agnes.
Yes, That Means
We're Talking.
No, Bert,
Just Talking.
We'll Talk About
That Later.
Bert...
I Need Your Help.
Come On, Ma.
The Coast Is Clear.
Well, Well.
Whoo-Hoo-Hoo!
Pretty Swankola.
Yup.
Pretty Swankola.
Which One Is Tunney's,
And Which One Is Dempsey's?
This Is Miss Hayes.
This Is
Mr. Addison...
And This...Is Me.
Uh!
Ooh!
Oh, Have Quite
A Hunk Of Hardware Here.
Ooh! Real Space-Age.
Hmm!
No Plugs Or Dials
Like I Had To
Live With.
Where's The Headset Go?
Oh, Ma. I Don't
Wear A Headset.
It Squishes
My Hair.
Good New, Agnes.
I'm On The Case.
Know That Plate Number
You Gave Me?
My Deep Throat
Down At D.M.V.
Is Running A Check,
Said He'd Call Me
Back Here.
That Tailgater
Had Better Back Off,
Or He's Going To Get
A Taste Of My Convincer.
Any Thug Throws A Scare
Into My Girl,
Well, He's Bought
Himself A Hurr--
[Clears Throat]
Oh...Mom...
This Is
Herbert Viola,
My Co-Worker.
Your Mother.
It Is The Privilege
Of A Lifetime
To Make Your Acquaintance,
Mrs. Dipesto.
How Do You Do,
Mr. Violin?
Agnes Never Stops
Talking About You,
Telling Tales Of Your Humor
And Your Many Public Works.
But I Had No Idea
What An Arresting
Woman You'd Be.
You Have The Right
To Remain Silent,
Bert.
Are You Sure The Two
Of You Aren't Sisters?
[Both Laugh]
Oh, You Have Quite
A Way
With The Maple
Syrup, Mr. Violin.
Keep Pouring.
Or Screw On The Cap.
Oh, I Hope We Haven't
Spoiled Your Day Off.
Oh, Don't Even Give It
A Second Thought,
Mrs. Dipesto.
I Understand You've
Just Come From Mexico.
Hmm.
I Was There Once...
Hunting Jaguars.
[Telephone Rings]
For Old Time's Sake?
[Ring]
You've Reached Blue Moon.
We're Delighted You Called.
If You're In Dire Straits,
We're Completely Enthralled.
But You'll Have To
Call Back.
Please Don't Be Opposed.
Check Your Calendar,
Blockhead.
It's Saturday.
We're Closed.
Huh?
Okey-Dokey.
It's For You, Sonny.
Bravo.
Viola Here.
What Do You Got?
Uh-Huh.
No Kidding.
Why Doesn't
He Shave?
Thanks.
The Car Is Registered
At Ajax Rentals,
Reserved Yesterday
By A Senor Arridondo.
If We Stop By Ajax,
We Can Get The Address.
You Stay Here,
Ma.
Mm-Hmm.
You Sure, Uh--
I Want To Go.
Mom, You'll Be Safe Here.
Lock The Door Behind Us.
Don't You Get My Little Girl
In Any Hot Water, Young Man.
Word Of Honor,
Ma'am.
Arridondo's Motel
Should Be
Coming Up Soon.
You Know...
I Got To Tell You...
It's Easy To See
Where You Get
Your Charm...
Your Wit, Your
Flowerlike Beauty.
Your Mom
Is Quite A Gal.
Thank You, Herbert.
Of Course,
It's A Crying Shame
Such A Frightening
Episode
Has To Happen
While She's Here,
You Know...
Visiting.
A Scare Like This
Must Really
Make Her Miss
The Old
Homestead, Huh?
I'll Bet Nothing
This Harrowing
Ever Happens
To Her There,
Not On The Quiet,
Dusty Streets
Of Bakersfield.
I Hear
They've Got Quite
A Brussels Sprouts
Festival
There Every Year.
Herbert.
Agnes.
You First.
After You.
Well--
Agnes, I Just Want
To Say
I'm Sorry, Ok?
About Last Night,
Our Little Tiff.
I Wanted To Talk
About That, Too.
Just Let Me
Finish,
Get This
Off My Chest.
I Was Thinking
About It
All Night...
Alone,
And, As Far
As I'm Concerned,
You Do What
You Think Best.
I'm Glad To Hear You
Say That, Herbert.
You Are?
Yes, I Am...
Because I'm Going To
Ask Her
To Move In With Me.
I Know You Have
Misgivings About It.
The Truth Is,
So Do I,
But I Can't Keep Lying
To Myself One Minute Longer
About What
My Responsibilities Are.
I Hope You Understand.
Yes, Well...
It Is, Uh,
Certainly The Proper
Thing To Do.
I'm Glad You Agree.
I'm Glad
You're Glad.
I'd Hate To Think
You Didn't.
Me, Too.
Then It's Settled.
A-Ok With Me.
Liar!
Liar?
You Don't
Want Her Here.
I Do Too!
You Do Not!
Do Too!
Do Not!
Too!
Not!
Here We Are...
The Harmony Inn.
[Breathing Heavily]
Damn!
[Glass Breaks]
What Happened?
What Do You Mean,
"What Happened?"
I Mean,
Where Were You--
Stopping Off For Coffee?
Or Maybe
Checking In First?
It Just So Happens,
I Wanted To See If
The Coast Was Clear,
Take A Look At
The Room,
Make Sure
Everything Was Safe.
You're Lying.
I Am Not Lying!
Yes, You Are.
No, I'm Not.
Are!
Not!
Are!
Not!
Are!
Listen, Miss
I'm-Not-A-Detective,
I'm-Just-Along-
For-The-Ride.
Maybe Next Time,
You'd Like To Crawl
In The Window,
And I Will Sit
In The Car
And Do My Nails!
Do My Nails?
Do My Nails!
Do You Know
What That Is?
Do You Know
What That Is?
That's Sexism!
Isn't That Stooping
A Little Low,
Even For You?
Even For--
And What About
A Not-So-Veiled Remark
About A Person's Size?
Isn't That
A Little Desperate,
Even For You?
Are You Calling Me
Desperate?
Are You
Calling Me Short?
If The Size 4 Fits...
Man:
Shut Up In There!
Can We Get Back
To Secretly
Breaking In Now?
If That's
What You Want.
That's What I Want.
Fine.
Fine.
Good.
Good.
Probably Got Stuck
In The Window.
Aargh!
[Anything You Can Do Playing]
What Are We
Looking For?
We Are Looking For
Anything
That Will
Tell Us Who He Is.
Thank You.
You're Welcome.
Ok. I Was Lying.
It's Not Exactly
Music To My Ears
About Your Mother,
But I Don't Have
Anything Against Her.
I Just Want To Keep
Something Against You.
What I Mean Is...
This Thing
That We Have...
This Reason That
You've Given Me
For Waking Up
Before The Alarm...
It's Important
To Me...
And If Anything Were
To Keep It From...
Fully Expressing
Itself--
Bert...
I Know How You Feel...
But She's My Mother.
After All Those Years
Of Everything...
She's My Mother.
[Door Opens]
I'm Sorry. I Should
Have Knocked,
But I Only Paid
For A Single.
Wait A Minute.
We Can Explain.
We Just Came In To, Uh...
To Get The Hair
Out Of The Drain
And, Uh...
To Clean The Toothpaste
Off The Mirror.
And Now, Well...
The Drain's
Draining.
And You Could Eat
Off The Mirror.
If You Like
That Kind Of Thing.
So I Guess We'll Just
Be On Our Way.
Uh, Clara Dipesto
Is Your Mother.
What Do You Want
From Her?
She Didn't Do
Anything To You.
Why Are You
Doing This?
Wait, Wait.
I'm Not Here
To Hurt Anybody.
The Truth Is, Your
Mother's Being Used
In A Smuggling
Operation
By A Tour Agency.
They Book Trips
To Mexico
For Tourists No One
Would Ever Suspect
Or Search,
Like Your Mother.
Then They Sneak
Contraband
Into The Tourist's
Possession.
When The Tourist
Gets Home,
The Agency Robs
Them,
Steals Back
The Smuggled Goods,
No One's The Wiser.
Bert: And You?
Oh,
I'm A Detective,
Just Like You.
I've Been Undercover
On This For Months
To Make Sure
Your Mother
Wasn't In On It.
But This Is
A Ruthless Bunch
On Her Tail.
Oh, My.
She's Alone.
Ma, It's Us.
Mom?
Oh, No.
Don't Worry.
Don't Worry. She Probably
Just Went Down To The Corner
For A Steak Sandwich
Or A Wrench Or Something.
Mom Doesn't Eat Wrenches.
I'll Never Forgive Myself
If Anything Ever Happens To Her.
Mom?
Who'd Want To Hurt Her?
My Mom's Just A Mom.
Mom?
Please Be In There.
Mom, It's Agnes!
Clara: Hold Your Water.
I Was Taking A Nap.
You Know Me--Close My Eyes,
I Can Sleep
Through A Train Wreck.
[Loud Thuds]
Hoo! Anything Wrong?
Mom, You're In A Fix.
Who's That
With Mr. Violin?
Mr. Viola.
Mr. Viola's
With Mr. Violin?
No, No, No. I'm--
Never Mind.
Senor Arridondo,
This Is
Mrs. Clara Dipesto
Of The Bakersfield
Dipestos.
Mom, He's A Detective,
Arridondo And Sons
Of Guadalajara.
He Followed You Here,
Looking For A Statue.
The One You Received
In Mexico, Mrs. Dipesto.
I Believe A Mr. Burden
Gave It To You.
It Was Only A Trinket,
But He Placed Some Very
Valuable Stolen Gems Inside.
He's A Cutthroat
Who's Left A Trail
Of Murdered Bodies
In His Wake
In A Bloodthirsty Quest
To Retrieve His Statue.
He Was Such
A Good Bus Driver.
Perhaps You Have
The Statue With You.
I Don't. It's Back
At Your Apartment,
if Whoever Broke In
Didn't Take It.
Burden Robbed
Your Apartment?
Burden Robbed
My Apartment?
Burden Robbed
Your Apartment!
He Was Such
A Good Bus Driver.
Look At This Place.
Yeah, That Wallpaper
Has Got To Go.
[Speaking Spanish]
He Says, "My God.
This Isn't Good."
[Speaking Spanish]
"The Blue Poodle Yips
At The Hovering Pontiac."
Scum.
They Grabbed
The Booty.
That One
Totally Stumps Me.
All Right!
Everybody!
Into The Bedroom!
Time To Brush Up
On Our Spanish.
Bert: Mr. Arridondo,
What Are You Doing?
Clara: No, No, Bert.
Senor Arridondo...
[Speaking Spanish]
Let's Just Say...
I Followed This Case
Too Long
To Let Burden
Keep Those Jewels
To Himself.
And I've Worked
Too Long
To Let You
Waltz In Here
And Take Them.
Work?
You Call Theft Work?
and What Is It
You're Doing?
They Call This
The Mexican Stand-Off.
All Right, Kids.
Touch Your Toes.
[Arridondo Speaking Spanish]
Burden: Speak English.
Now Say Your Prayers.
Clara: Shake Out The Rug.
Arridondo: No, Yours!
Clara: The Double
Rug Fall.
I Saw It In "The
Show Of Shows" Once.
Let's Get Someone
To Help Us!
I'm Not So Sure
My Neighbors Are
The Helping Type.
[William Tell Overture Playing]
[All Screaming]
Come Back!
I'm So Lonely!
[Animal Growling Loudly]
Oh! Oh!
Aah!
Please!
I'll Do Anything!
Anything! Oh!
Ah! Ah!
[Alarm Ringing]
Hmm.
Please Don't Go!
My Husband
Is A Monster!
Lady, I
Don't Care If--
All: Hell's Angel!
[Woman Screams]
Aah!
What Was All That?
Oh, Just
A Little Homage
To The Golden Age
Of Tv Comedy.
Nice Try.
All Right. Now...
Shall We Get Back
To Those Jewels?
My Thoughts
Exactly.
Aargh!
[Men Groaning]
Excuse Me, Ma'am.
My Wife Explained
Your Intentions Weren't
Of A Sexual Nature,
Asked Me To Stop By
And Apologize.
Well,
Thank You.
It's Nice
To Know
I Have
Good Neighbors.
Don't Worry, Agnes.
Hang A Few Beads,
And You'll Still
Have Your Privacy.
Clara: Honey,
Your Birthday's Coming Up.
Why Don't You Let Your Mom
Buy You A New Door?
The Police Should
Tote The Note
After The Collar
We Gave Them.
That Arridondo Guy
Was Big-Time--
Murderer, Smuggler,
Jewel Thief.
I Don't Know.
Guess That's What Happens
When You Leave A Man
Undercover Too Long.
Tracking Those Emeralds
Across The Country...
Slimeball By Slimeball.
He Went Bad,
Even Killed,
And For What?
A Couple Of Green Rocks
Nobody Could Even Find.
Well, You Know
What They Say--
There's
A Little Larceny
In All Of Us.
Yes, But As
A Fellow Detective,
I Would Like To Think
That Under Similar
Circumstances,
I'd Be Able To Hold Myself
To A Higher Code Of
Professional Ethics,
That I'd Never Put
Personal Gain
Ahead Of Honor.
Because, In The End,
Justice Is Its Own Reward.
Herbert...
Why Don't You Take
That Load Of Rubbish
Down To The Dumpster?
Ok.
He's A Good Man.
Yeah.
He Likes You.
I Like Him.
Seemed To Have
Your Interest At Heart.
Reminds Me Of
Your Father A Little.
Mom...
I've Been Thinking.
Why Don't You Move
To Los Angeles?
Clara: Hmm?
You Could Live Here
With Me.
You Could Have
Your Own Room,
Your Own Tv.
We Could Share The Cooking
And The Cleaning.
Thank You, Sweetie.
You Left The Nest
A Long Time Ago.
Now You Have A Nest
Of Your Own,
And You
Should Share It
With Someone...
Other
Than Your Mother.
Mr. Violin Maybe?
Herbert.
All I Was Saying
Is, Go.
live Your Life.
Don't Worry
About Me.
Yeah, But Just Because
I'm Living My Own Life
Doesn't Mean That I'm
Going To Turn My Back
On My Family.
You're Living
On A Fixed Income.
Dad Didn't Exactly
Leave You In Clover...
And You're Not
Getting Any Younger.
Neither Are You.
Ha Ha Ha!
Oh, Sweetheart.
You're So Loving
And Considerate.
You'd Never Say So,
But My Guess Is
That You And Herbert
Were Doing Just Fine
Until I Came
Into Town.
Mom.
Agnes, You Don't Know
How Determined
Your Old Mom Is
To Not Be A Burden...
Determined Enough
To Try My Hand
At International
Jewel Theft.
I Figure There's
Enough Green Ice Here
To Keep Me Cool
During My Golden Years.
I Had A Good Think
After You
And What's-His-Name
Left The Office.
Suddenly, It Hit Me.
Maybe They Were
After Me.
Maybe I Had
Something They Wanted.
So I Took The Statue
Out Of The Purse,
Crackeroo, Presto--
Emeralds!
Then You
Came Back Here,
Made It Look Like
The Jewels
Were Stolen
And Then Got Back
To The Office
Before We Got Back.
Wow!
You're Set
For Life.
I Didn't Raise My Daughter
To Have A Thief As A Mother.
Turn These
In To The Police.
They Don't
Belong To Me.
But...
the Rewardo
Muy Grande
Offered By The Government
Of Mexico...Does!
Oh!
Oh!
[Knock Knock]
Good Morning,
Mr. Addison.
Hi.
How Was Your Weekend?
Pretty Good.
Stared At The Wall
And Scratched My Head
For 48 Hours.
Mr. Addison, About
That Raise I Wanted--
You Got It.
I Do?
Yeah, I Kicked
Some Numbers Around
For A While,
Tried To Figure Out
How I Could Afford
To Give It To You.
Then I Realized
I Couldn't Afford
Not To.
You Are M.V.P.,
Agnes.
I Am?
Mm-Hmm.
You Run Blue Moon,
Agnes.
I'd Give You The Sky
If I Could.
Thank You.
Got To Take Care
Of Mom.
Actually, Sometimes I Think
Mom's Still Taking Care Of Me.
That's The Good Thing
About Families.
Take Care Of Each Other.
Eh, You Fight,
Yell At Each Other,
Push Each Other's
Buttons.
Bottom Line Is...
A Family Is A Pretty
Good Thing To Have.
Yeah. Family Is A Pretty
Good Thing To Have.
♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪
♪ Come Fly By Day ♪
♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪
♪ 'cause We Met On The Way ♪
♪ There Is The Sun And Moon... ♪
♪ They Sing
Their Own Sweet Tune ♪
♪ Watch Them When Dawn Is Due ♪
♪ Sharing One Space ♪
♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪
♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪
♪ Moonlighting Strangers... ♪
Captioning Made Possible By
Lions Gate Home Entertainment
Captioned By The National
Captioning Institute
--TC6 WAS HERE--