Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 5 - Cool Hand Dave: Part 1 - full transcript
Agnes is excited at the news of Maddie's pregnancy but is having a lot of trouble keeping it a secret and she blurts it out to Herbert, just after he had apologised to Agnes. He in turn can't keep it a secret and tells David that Maddie is pregnant. David decides to fly to Chicago to see her. In the airport his identity is stolen by a criminal and he finds himself arrested and in jail. After he starts a food fight during his first meal, David finds himself in solitary confinement. Meanwhile, Herbert continues his romantic pursuit of Agnes.
Hello, Agnes, it's me, Maddie.
-Miss Hayes.
-Just calling to say hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Not much happening this end.
Actually, I do have some news.
/just found out I'm pregnant.
A baby?
/had to tell somebody.
A baby?
I just wasn't sure
who that someone should be.
-Then I thought of you.
-A baby?
Makes sense, right?
That's the way
nature's supposed to work.
Besides, my biological clock
is ticking.
Agnes.
You're the only person I've told.
Promise not to tell anyone.
Not even Mr. Addison?
Not even Mr. Addison.
Especially not Mr. Addison.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's all my news,
so I guess l'll say--
A baby.
Agnes, thank God you've come.
I've been here since 4 a.m...
...on the off-chance you'd come
in early to water the ferns.
Agnes, I owe you and MacGi|icuddy
an apology for my behaviour yesterday.
You were right. The only thing
I cared about was old numero uno:
Herbert Quentin Viola.
Last night, I found myself
up to my neck in hot water.
Cornea to cornea with temptation.
The devil with a blue dress on.
Actually, her dress was off,
but be that as it may...
...when I looked into those
tinted contacts, did I see warmth?
Compassion, love? No.
I saw a selfish, gluttonous fiend.
My own reflection.
Can you ever find it in your heart
to forgive me?
Agnes.
Haven't you heard
anything I've said?
Something about Mitch Ryder
and The Detroit Wheels?
Agnes, you're flushed.
-Is something wrong?
-No way.
You can whip me, beat me,
keelhaul me.
It's no use, Herbert.
The secret dies with me.
-What secret?
-Oh, no, you don't.
If anyone ever found out, well,
it'd be awful and it wouldn't be fair.
-Fair to whom?
-The love child, that's who.
-Agnes, what is this nonsense?
-Nonsense?
Nonsense? You men make me sick.
Do you have to carry
the baby around for months?
Do you have to go through
the agony of childbirth?
No, I do. I'm the one.
Baby?
MacGi|icuddy.
I should have known.
Laying that sob story on you
about his wife.
Slinking off with you after work.
And on top of all that,
his duck is in my oven.
MacGi|icuddy?
That one-eyed Jack.
That lucky Pierre.
This isn't MacGi|icuddy's baby.
I don't think.
Agnes, how many men
have you been with?
Me?
-I'm not the one who's pregnant.
-You're not?
No, Miss Hay--
Miss Hayes?
Miss Hayes is pregnant?
I wasn't supposed to say anything.
You can't tell a soul.
Miss Hayes is having a bah--
Cross your heart and hope to die.
Shouldn't eat garlic
first thing in the morning, Bert.
Mr. Addison.
You crossed your heart.
Is this the face of a man who'll spill
the beans once he's given his word?
I'm just going in there and update
Mr. Addison on the Anselmo case.
This secret goes with me
to the organ bank.
Herbert Viola, if you breathe
a word of this to anyone...
...you're gonna be at that organ bank
a lot sooner than you bargained for.
Come in.
Morning, sir.
Mind if I speak with you for a second?
Gab away.
This wouldn't happen to be about our
Kama Sutra convention last night?
Well, sort of, sir.
That happens when you leave the
game in the middle of the 7th inning.
You gotta wait until the next morning
to get the play-by-play.
I take it you stayed
for the whole game?
All 19 innings.
You're an animal, sir.
But did you ever think about...
...responsibi|ity?
Commitment? Growing up?
I mean, I got this little voice inside
that keeps nagging me.
You want to drown it out,
turn up the music.
Sir, I want to sometimes.
But then again, I can't deny the fact
that Agnes is the right woman--
The only woman for me.
You know what I mean, sir?
A woman's gotta be more
than just a favourite chair, Bert.
I guess maybe
I better get back to work.
But suppose someone ....
Suppose me. Suppose that,
although I didn't realise it at the time...
...a woman I was dating
was expecting my baby.
Now, I'd want to know
if she was pregnant.
-Wouldn't you?
-Agnes?
No, no. This has nothing
to do with Agnes.
Who, then? Somebody I know?
It's fair to say you have
a more than nodding acquaintance...
-...with the individual.
-A co-worker?
I don't know really if I can say, sir.
I mean, it's a very delicate subject.
Promises have been made,
oaths taken.
But as administrator
of our health plan, it's my duty...
...to care for the well-being of each
member of our Blue Moon family.
-Out with it.
-I don't know if I'm at liberty to say.
Bert, this is no time
to stand on principle.
If you're playing taps
because some squaw...
-...is carrying your papoose--
-Mine, sir? No, sir.
Yours, sir.
What are you talking about?
I haven't knocked anybody up.
Not just anybody, sir.
-You knocked up the boss.
-What?
Please don't be angry with me.
-Agnes swore me--
-Agnes knows?
She's going to smear me with jam...
...and bury me in an anthill
if she finds out I spilled my guts.
Miss Hayes is having a baby?
Our Miss Hayes?
I just thought you should know, sir.
Thanks, Bert.
I've gotta catch a plane.
No problem, sir.
I'm here, 24 hours a day,
and, Mr. Addison...
...I faithfully pledge
to execute my duties--
-Make sure the trash gets taken out.
-I'll bag it and stack it myself, sir.
Oh, Mr. Addison.
About Miss Hayes, I hope
congratulations are still in order.
Hello.
How long have you known?
You were gonna tell me,
weren't you?
I mean, that you're ....
That you're pregnant.
I'm really not ready
to have this conversation.
I'm getting on the next plane
to Chicago.
No, please don't. Please.
Young lady.
Is this a personal call
we are making on company time?
Hello, to what area code
am I speaking?
That better not have been
long distance.
Herbert Quentin Viola.
How could you?
Well, personal calls
on company time...
...are a huge drain
on corporate resources.
You swore an oath,
gave me your word.
I took you into my confidence
and how did you repay my trust?
-Agnes, what are you upset about?
-You know why I'm upset.
Mr. Addison took off
like a bat out of heck...
...and I know what he was
flapping his wings about.
Perhaps he had an appointment.
Or maybe your big fat yap isn't
the only thing you can't keep zipped.
May I remind you that you
are addressing the acting supervisor...
...of Blue Moon Investigations?
Yeah, well, get your
acting supervisor's butt in here.
Have you lost your mind?
Mr. Addison left me
in control of this office.
I am the capo di tutti i capi
around here.
Well, listen to me, Mr. Tutti-Frutti.
I took you at your word, but your word
isn't worth the spit it's spoken with.
You just had to tell Mr. Addison
about the baby.
Do you really think so little of me?
That I'm some kind of two-timing,
duplicitous weasel?
Look me in the eyes and tell me
you didn't go into his office...
...and drool a whole bibful
about the baby.
Okay, I told him, but he would have
found out sooner or later anyway.
I mean, Mr. Addison
is one of the finest...
...investigative minds
of his generation.
Oh, Agnes.
I didn't want to betray
your confidence. I hated it.
But I had to do it for his own good.
For Miss Hayes' own good.
Hell, for the baby's own good.
You know Mr. Addison,
the well-tailored executive.
I have been privy
to the after-hours Addison...
...and I could not stand by
and watch him sow his wild oats...
...when he already has
a bumper crop in Chicago.
Okay, fine. Hate me if you want to.
But from where I was standing, I had
a moral obligation to do what I did.
If I'm confronted
with the dilemma again...
...I can assure you
that I wouldn't do anything different.
I don't hate you.
I'll just never be able to trust you.
And Miss Hayes
will never be able to trust me.
She didn't tell Mr. Addison.
She didn't even tell her parents.
She told me.
You've ruined that.
Agnes, I am truly sorry,
but what's done is done.
It'll blow over.
In a week, the two of us will look back
on this and have a good chuckle.
Okay, a month. Six weeks tops.
I mean,
we are not the kind of people...
...who are gonna allow
an honest difference of opinion...
...to come between us.
You can count on it.
Agnes.
I hate arguing with you.
But I must confess
that there is a part of me...
...that always looks forward
to making up.
What do you say, tonight...
...you and me curl up
with a cold bottle of champagne...
...and keep each other warm?
You can forget about tonight,
tomorrow night and every other night.
From now on,
I've got my anger to keep me warm.
May I have your attention, please?
Hi. I need to get
on Flight 88 to Chicago.
I'm sorry, sir.
That flight is all filled up.
I can put you on standby if you like.
-Is that the best you can do?
-I'm afraid so.
Don't bother.
Just have to find something else
to do with this episode.
Kentucky's finest. Make it a double.
And don't tell me
how early it is in the morning.
You ever noticed
how these airport bars...
...look the same everywhere you go?
I mean, look, it's the same panelling,
same carpeting.
Looks like the same bartender.
Hey, Hundley, zip it.
You know, I took a wrong turn
into the booze myself a few years ago.
Problem with a lady.
There's always a lady
in there somewhere.
Yeah.
She's gonna have a baby.
Very possibly mine.
I can't get a flight out of this place...
...so I can go throw pebbles
at her window.
I'd trade places with anybody
in this bar.
Why don't you raise a little hell?
Pick up the phone, call the airline,
ask for the supervisor.
Better yet, go to the chairman
of the board and read him the riot act.
I know what you're afraid of.
You don't know what to say to her
when she comes to the window.
I know exactly
what I'm gonna say to her.
Yeah?
Well, then, why are you
marinating yourself in ethanol, huh?
Because...
...it's easier.
I can sit here...
...run my credit card up to the limit...
...stumble out of here...
...fall into a trash bin
for the next 20 years.
Yeah.
Then you wake up.
Then you hate yourself...
...because it's too late to throw
those pebbles at that window.
Excuse me.
Another soda for my associate here.
You like to watch those big guys
take off, huh?
Look at that.
Watch them slip off
those surly bonds of earth.
Please proceed to Gate 17-C.
Hello, this is Senator Wilturn calling.
Yes, I've got to get to Chicago
as fast as humanly possible.
Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
This is an emergency.
You've heard of a little thing
called the beef crisis?
The president himself
has asked me to intervene.
L.m
I am talking to you
about a threat to national security.
Unless you want your grandchildren
to grow up eating soy burgers...
...don't talk to me
about flying standby.
Excellent, excellent. The Oval Office
appreciates your cooperation.
-How'd it go?
-Got a flight in 15 minutes.
-Thanks for the pep talk.
-You looked like you could use it.
You're quite a student
of human nature.
Well, you know,
I like to get inside people's heads.
What happened to him?
All danced out, I guess.
Let me get these drinks.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Scott Hundley.
-David, David Addison.
-How are you?
Hey, what the--?
-Hey!
-You want to trade places, you got it.
Hey, come back here. Hey, hey.
Stop that guy, don't let him get away.
Somebody call the police.
Another step
and I'll break your neck, Hundley.
-Hundley? I'm not Hundley.
-Of course not, you're Vanna White.
Looks like Harry here
fell off the waggon.
Hardly blame him, chained
to this bag of crud all day long.
My name's David Addison.
I'm a private investigator.
Check my ID. He stole my wallet.
-What are you doing?
-My job, taking you back to prison.
Prison? You're making a mistake.
My name is David Addison.
Well, you got the next 99 years
to straighten it out.
Get your last looks.
Big house over that hill.
Best news I had since they started
making red M&M's again.
You're one of those freaks
who likes it better on the inside, huh?
The sooner I get there,
the sooner I get out.
Yeah, me too.
You should have seen
my lawyer's face drop...
...when they sentenced me
to this place.
Worst of the worst degenerates...
...they dump them here.
It's a living hell.
You're lucky
if you get three squares a day.
What did you do to get here?
Forgot to clean my fingernails.
Lands you in prison every time.
They found bits of my boss
under them.
Through the door, one at a time.
Let's go, let's go.
Keep moving.
Don't pull on the chain.
Quiet.
All the way down.
Move it.
Let's go, move it, on the yellow line.
Move it, move it.
Put your left arm up.
Put your arms down.
When I tell you, put your
personal belongings on the counter.
-Do this--
-Excuse me, officer.
I know you're probably up to your
eyeballs trying to keep the arsonists...
...from torching the axe murderers,
so I'll be brief.
Put your hands in your pockets
before I cut them off.
I know this represents
paperwork to you...
...but when you weigh that
against my rights...
...in the greatest democracy
in the world--
-Should I speak--?
-Got him?
-Bottoms up, idiot.
-Am I in a prison for the deaf?
Didn't you hear what I said? Hey.
Next.
To me, this is more
than just a prison.
It's a community.
You men have been invited
to live in the community...
...because
you're world-class scum.
In any community,
everybody? got a job.
My job's simple.
Take care of any problems.
Your job's simple too.
Not to be a problem.
So our two jobs are the same.
And when they ain't the same...
...we got a conflict of interest.
And whenever
there's a conflict of interest...
...well, I got a place in the hole
to help you learn your job better.
What you think, I don't care.
What you feel,
I don't give a rat's butt.
And what you want don't mean zero.
So it stacks up like this:
You're late for work...
...it's two days in the hole.
You miss a meal...
...it's three days in the hole.
You take a shower once a week
and you cut your hair twice a month...
...or it's four days in the hole.
And if you fight...
...or mouth off...
...maybe the hole's too good for you.
-Robin, look at this. Check it out.
-Hey, lover boy.
You and me got a hot date tonight.
Look, what's this? Some fresh meat.
Hey, baby.
Looking for some action?
Hubba-hubba.
Hey, sweetheart. I'll visit you later.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Home sweet home.
Don't worry, it's not locked.
Captain Shank likes the screws
to clang the door in your face.
Gets him sexually aroused.
Name's Arnie Steckler.
I was hoping to bunk
with somebody else tonight, Arnie.
Nice to meet you.
Your mattress has a ditch in it,
but then again, they all do.
No mints on my pillow?
I told them it was okay
to stick you in here with me.
We all heard the stories, Hundley.
Everybody's squawking
about getting stuck with you.
But I says, live and let live.
I guess you could say
that's my motto: Live and let live.
Is it true you played tetherball
with that parole officer's head?
Croquet.
You better remember
who the hell you're talking to.
When I want something, it means...
...I don't wanna hear any crap
out of you.
Do you understand?
Now, give me that. I told you, man.
I don't like easy-listening music.
That's Derrick.
Let me guess.
He runs the prayer group.
Short fuse. it's a congenital thing.
The doctors are studying him.
Hey, where is he?
Hey, he's down there.
Here's action, man.
I wanna watch this.
This is gonna be good.
Good night, Irene!
There it is.
I thought I smelled new meat.
Back up, come in again,
and this time, say "fee fi fo fum."
Derrick, Mad Dog Hundley.
Mad Dog, Derrick--
Hundley.
Mad Dog Hundley in our prison.
And in my cellblock.
So how do you like it so far,
Mad Dog?
Can you put your leg behind your ear
and scratch where it itches?
They told me you was a tough guy.
Are you a tough guy?
I got my wolf badge
if that's what you mean.
You ain't gonna do here what you did
in them other prisons.
You got that?
Look around you, man.
This joint belongs to me.
You ain't taking over, you see?
-That's right, you tell him.
-Did a nice job with it too.
Yeah, that's right, man.
And I wanna see
what kind of job you can do.
On my shoes.
You're gonna shine them.
And I'm gonna show you how,
so listen up.
Apply the polish evenly,
then buff a hundred times.
And don't use a rag. Use a chamois.
I'll be back tomorrow, first thing.
And I wanna be able to shave
in that shine...
...Mad Dog.
This better be a dream episode.
Derrick really likes it when you use
edge black along the soles.
You wanna get gutted?
He gets these shoes custom-made
all the way from Italy.
He ought to buy American.
Look, Mad Dog.
Why don't you lighten up a bit?
I know it's your first night,
so if you wanna be by yourself...
...I could sit on my bunk
and face the wall.
I just wanna get out of here,
that's all.
Don't worry about that feeling.
You'll get over it
in about five or 10 years.
That's beautiful, Herbert.
-Agnes?
-Yes?
What is all that stuff on your face?
Come on up. I'll buzz you in.
You're in like Flynn, kid.
You're the greatest, Uncle Phil.
Who is it?
I've never been serenaded before.
I've never serenaded
anyone before.
You still have some on your cheek.
I love guacamole.
About this morning--
None of that matters now.
I disgraced myself.
A couple of hours ago...
...I placed an overseas phone call.
The Foreign Legion
is willing to consider my application.
It'll be a great way to learn French.
You don't have to parlez-vous, Bert.
This morning was really all my fault.
I'm the one who
blurted out the secret, not you.
I'm the one
who I should never see again.
So I made a call too.
To Miss Hayes.
-To apologise.
-How did she take it?
She told me
not to lose any sleep over it.
She was going to tell
Mr. Addison herself anyway.
Well, good.
At least they can...
...thrash it out face-to-face.
No.
She said Mr. Addison
hasn't shown up in Chicago.
I wonder where he is.
Agnes.
I'm here.
Do you mind losing a little sleep
over me?
Oh, Bert.
All right, let's shake it up.
Everybody, let's go, let's go.
Let's move it.
Open up Cellblock 2.
Cellblock 2 open.
Hundley, up and at them.
I don't care what you did
to 13 babysitters.
I ain't gonna lose
my canteen privileges...
-...because you're late for a meal.
-I was having a nightmare.
I was at the zoo.
Except all the animals
were walking around and I was ....
Everybody up. Let's go, get up.
What did you do?
I had to get up
in the middle of the night.
-It was dark.
-We're dead.
Hey, Hundley.
Derrick.
-Morning, sir. Did you sleep well?
-Where's my shoes?
We had a little problem
with the shoes.
What kind of problem?
Better tell him.
Hundley almost gave you back
your shoes...
...without putting on the new soles
I made for them.
What was wrong with the old soles?
You tell him.
You ever heard of a condition
called flattus feetacitus?
-Is that bad?
-Is it bad?
If you don't get
the proper arch support...
...it's a foregone conclusion,
and that's just for starters.
Then you got your bunions,
arthritis.
-Gout.
-Gout.
Steck|er's just trying to keep you
out of a wheelchair.
Yeah, we're gonna have them
fixed up as good as new.
Better than new.
Put some taps on them.
You're gonna love this.
Make you feel like a king.
Like you're walking on water.
Across an ocean...
...of perfumed, silky
ladies' underwear.
-Yeah, I like that.
-He likes it.
Good. Have them for you,
say, next week?
No, first thing tomorrow.
-Where am I gonna get taps?
-I'll send you some soon as I get out.
Which ought to be about five minutes
after I talk to the warden.
Yeah, piece of cake. Maybe he's even
gonna toss you the keys to his Caddy.
All right, maggots, it's chow time.
Let's move it.
May I see a wine list, please?
You guys mind if I join you?
You must be
the foreign-exchange prisoners.
-Welcome to our land.
-You're not sitting there.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
He's a new guy.
He don't mean nothing, honest.
He's a new guy.
Rule number one,
chocolate and vanilla don't mix.
What's the problem?
I'm down with the brothers.
-Listen to the same radio stations.
-Look, you know my motto, Mad Dog.
-Live and let live.
-Yeah.
But on the inside,
you stick with your own kind...
...unless you got something
against breathing.
You lucky bastard.
You don't want it?
Trying to cut down.
Cuban.
Scarface used to have these sent in
from Havana. Thanks.
Don't mention it.
Darwyn wants you to go with him
to the prison rodeo.
Who's Darwyn?
What am I, chopped liver?
Back, Darwyn, back!
Just in time, constable.
Party's getting a little wild.
Leave it.
it'll probably tighten your pores.
Yo, room service.
Wanna send up a bed?
How about some clean towels
and a basket of fruit?
I can explain everything, Maddie.
"You can explain where you were
during nine months of pregnancy...
...|abour, potty training,
kindergarten?"
Yeah, I was in prison.
"Prison?"
Prison.
"Sure you didn't just fall off
some barstool and have amnesia?"
That's great.
Go ahead, make jokes, Maddie.
I didn't really come here to see you.
"Well, at least we agree
on something...
...because I don't wanna
see you either."
I came here to see the kid.
I want to let him know
that he's got a father.
"You're not his father.
You're just some mistake
I made a long time ago."
I got a right, Maddie.
"He doesn't even know you.
I never told him about you."
You never told him about me?
"What was I supposed to say,
David?
You just disappeared.
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?"
-Miss Hayes.
-Just calling to say hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Not much happening this end.
Actually, I do have some news.
/just found out I'm pregnant.
A baby?
/had to tell somebody.
A baby?
I just wasn't sure
who that someone should be.
-Then I thought of you.
-A baby?
Makes sense, right?
That's the way
nature's supposed to work.
Besides, my biological clock
is ticking.
Agnes.
You're the only person I've told.
Promise not to tell anyone.
Not even Mr. Addison?
Not even Mr. Addison.
Especially not Mr. Addison.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's all my news,
so I guess l'll say--
A baby.
Agnes, thank God you've come.
I've been here since 4 a.m...
...on the off-chance you'd come
in early to water the ferns.
Agnes, I owe you and MacGi|icuddy
an apology for my behaviour yesterday.
You were right. The only thing
I cared about was old numero uno:
Herbert Quentin Viola.
Last night, I found myself
up to my neck in hot water.
Cornea to cornea with temptation.
The devil with a blue dress on.
Actually, her dress was off,
but be that as it may...
...when I looked into those
tinted contacts, did I see warmth?
Compassion, love? No.
I saw a selfish, gluttonous fiend.
My own reflection.
Can you ever find it in your heart
to forgive me?
Agnes.
Haven't you heard
anything I've said?
Something about Mitch Ryder
and The Detroit Wheels?
Agnes, you're flushed.
-Is something wrong?
-No way.
You can whip me, beat me,
keelhaul me.
It's no use, Herbert.
The secret dies with me.
-What secret?
-Oh, no, you don't.
If anyone ever found out, well,
it'd be awful and it wouldn't be fair.
-Fair to whom?
-The love child, that's who.
-Agnes, what is this nonsense?
-Nonsense?
Nonsense? You men make me sick.
Do you have to carry
the baby around for months?
Do you have to go through
the agony of childbirth?
No, I do. I'm the one.
Baby?
MacGi|icuddy.
I should have known.
Laying that sob story on you
about his wife.
Slinking off with you after work.
And on top of all that,
his duck is in my oven.
MacGi|icuddy?
That one-eyed Jack.
That lucky Pierre.
This isn't MacGi|icuddy's baby.
I don't think.
Agnes, how many men
have you been with?
Me?
-I'm not the one who's pregnant.
-You're not?
No, Miss Hay--
Miss Hayes?
Miss Hayes is pregnant?
I wasn't supposed to say anything.
You can't tell a soul.
Miss Hayes is having a bah--
Cross your heart and hope to die.
Shouldn't eat garlic
first thing in the morning, Bert.
Mr. Addison.
You crossed your heart.
Is this the face of a man who'll spill
the beans once he's given his word?
I'm just going in there and update
Mr. Addison on the Anselmo case.
This secret goes with me
to the organ bank.
Herbert Viola, if you breathe
a word of this to anyone...
...you're gonna be at that organ bank
a lot sooner than you bargained for.
Come in.
Morning, sir.
Mind if I speak with you for a second?
Gab away.
This wouldn't happen to be about our
Kama Sutra convention last night?
Well, sort of, sir.
That happens when you leave the
game in the middle of the 7th inning.
You gotta wait until the next morning
to get the play-by-play.
I take it you stayed
for the whole game?
All 19 innings.
You're an animal, sir.
But did you ever think about...
...responsibi|ity?
Commitment? Growing up?
I mean, I got this little voice inside
that keeps nagging me.
You want to drown it out,
turn up the music.
Sir, I want to sometimes.
But then again, I can't deny the fact
that Agnes is the right woman--
The only woman for me.
You know what I mean, sir?
A woman's gotta be more
than just a favourite chair, Bert.
I guess maybe
I better get back to work.
But suppose someone ....
Suppose me. Suppose that,
although I didn't realise it at the time...
...a woman I was dating
was expecting my baby.
Now, I'd want to know
if she was pregnant.
-Wouldn't you?
-Agnes?
No, no. This has nothing
to do with Agnes.
Who, then? Somebody I know?
It's fair to say you have
a more than nodding acquaintance...
-...with the individual.
-A co-worker?
I don't know really if I can say, sir.
I mean, it's a very delicate subject.
Promises have been made,
oaths taken.
But as administrator
of our health plan, it's my duty...
...to care for the well-being of each
member of our Blue Moon family.
-Out with it.
-I don't know if I'm at liberty to say.
Bert, this is no time
to stand on principle.
If you're playing taps
because some squaw...
-...is carrying your papoose--
-Mine, sir? No, sir.
Yours, sir.
What are you talking about?
I haven't knocked anybody up.
Not just anybody, sir.
-You knocked up the boss.
-What?
Please don't be angry with me.
-Agnes swore me--
-Agnes knows?
She's going to smear me with jam...
...and bury me in an anthill
if she finds out I spilled my guts.
Miss Hayes is having a baby?
Our Miss Hayes?
I just thought you should know, sir.
Thanks, Bert.
I've gotta catch a plane.
No problem, sir.
I'm here, 24 hours a day,
and, Mr. Addison...
...I faithfully pledge
to execute my duties--
-Make sure the trash gets taken out.
-I'll bag it and stack it myself, sir.
Oh, Mr. Addison.
About Miss Hayes, I hope
congratulations are still in order.
Hello.
How long have you known?
You were gonna tell me,
weren't you?
I mean, that you're ....
That you're pregnant.
I'm really not ready
to have this conversation.
I'm getting on the next plane
to Chicago.
No, please don't. Please.
Young lady.
Is this a personal call
we are making on company time?
Hello, to what area code
am I speaking?
That better not have been
long distance.
Herbert Quentin Viola.
How could you?
Well, personal calls
on company time...
...are a huge drain
on corporate resources.
You swore an oath,
gave me your word.
I took you into my confidence
and how did you repay my trust?
-Agnes, what are you upset about?
-You know why I'm upset.
Mr. Addison took off
like a bat out of heck...
...and I know what he was
flapping his wings about.
Perhaps he had an appointment.
Or maybe your big fat yap isn't
the only thing you can't keep zipped.
May I remind you that you
are addressing the acting supervisor...
...of Blue Moon Investigations?
Yeah, well, get your
acting supervisor's butt in here.
Have you lost your mind?
Mr. Addison left me
in control of this office.
I am the capo di tutti i capi
around here.
Well, listen to me, Mr. Tutti-Frutti.
I took you at your word, but your word
isn't worth the spit it's spoken with.
You just had to tell Mr. Addison
about the baby.
Do you really think so little of me?
That I'm some kind of two-timing,
duplicitous weasel?
Look me in the eyes and tell me
you didn't go into his office...
...and drool a whole bibful
about the baby.
Okay, I told him, but he would have
found out sooner or later anyway.
I mean, Mr. Addison
is one of the finest...
...investigative minds
of his generation.
Oh, Agnes.
I didn't want to betray
your confidence. I hated it.
But I had to do it for his own good.
For Miss Hayes' own good.
Hell, for the baby's own good.
You know Mr. Addison,
the well-tailored executive.
I have been privy
to the after-hours Addison...
...and I could not stand by
and watch him sow his wild oats...
...when he already has
a bumper crop in Chicago.
Okay, fine. Hate me if you want to.
But from where I was standing, I had
a moral obligation to do what I did.
If I'm confronted
with the dilemma again...
...I can assure you
that I wouldn't do anything different.
I don't hate you.
I'll just never be able to trust you.
And Miss Hayes
will never be able to trust me.
She didn't tell Mr. Addison.
She didn't even tell her parents.
She told me.
You've ruined that.
Agnes, I am truly sorry,
but what's done is done.
It'll blow over.
In a week, the two of us will look back
on this and have a good chuckle.
Okay, a month. Six weeks tops.
I mean,
we are not the kind of people...
...who are gonna allow
an honest difference of opinion...
...to come between us.
You can count on it.
Agnes.
I hate arguing with you.
But I must confess
that there is a part of me...
...that always looks forward
to making up.
What do you say, tonight...
...you and me curl up
with a cold bottle of champagne...
...and keep each other warm?
You can forget about tonight,
tomorrow night and every other night.
From now on,
I've got my anger to keep me warm.
May I have your attention, please?
Hi. I need to get
on Flight 88 to Chicago.
I'm sorry, sir.
That flight is all filled up.
I can put you on standby if you like.
-Is that the best you can do?
-I'm afraid so.
Don't bother.
Just have to find something else
to do with this episode.
Kentucky's finest. Make it a double.
And don't tell me
how early it is in the morning.
You ever noticed
how these airport bars...
...look the same everywhere you go?
I mean, look, it's the same panelling,
same carpeting.
Looks like the same bartender.
Hey, Hundley, zip it.
You know, I took a wrong turn
into the booze myself a few years ago.
Problem with a lady.
There's always a lady
in there somewhere.
Yeah.
She's gonna have a baby.
Very possibly mine.
I can't get a flight out of this place...
...so I can go throw pebbles
at her window.
I'd trade places with anybody
in this bar.
Why don't you raise a little hell?
Pick up the phone, call the airline,
ask for the supervisor.
Better yet, go to the chairman
of the board and read him the riot act.
I know what you're afraid of.
You don't know what to say to her
when she comes to the window.
I know exactly
what I'm gonna say to her.
Yeah?
Well, then, why are you
marinating yourself in ethanol, huh?
Because...
...it's easier.
I can sit here...
...run my credit card up to the limit...
...stumble out of here...
...fall into a trash bin
for the next 20 years.
Yeah.
Then you wake up.
Then you hate yourself...
...because it's too late to throw
those pebbles at that window.
Excuse me.
Another soda for my associate here.
You like to watch those big guys
take off, huh?
Look at that.
Watch them slip off
those surly bonds of earth.
Please proceed to Gate 17-C.
Hello, this is Senator Wilturn calling.
Yes, I've got to get to Chicago
as fast as humanly possible.
Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
This is an emergency.
You've heard of a little thing
called the beef crisis?
The president himself
has asked me to intervene.
L.m
I am talking to you
about a threat to national security.
Unless you want your grandchildren
to grow up eating soy burgers...
...don't talk to me
about flying standby.
Excellent, excellent. The Oval Office
appreciates your cooperation.
-How'd it go?
-Got a flight in 15 minutes.
-Thanks for the pep talk.
-You looked like you could use it.
You're quite a student
of human nature.
Well, you know,
I like to get inside people's heads.
What happened to him?
All danced out, I guess.
Let me get these drinks.
Well, that's very nice of you.
Scott Hundley.
-David, David Addison.
-How are you?
Hey, what the--?
-Hey!
-You want to trade places, you got it.
Hey, come back here. Hey, hey.
Stop that guy, don't let him get away.
Somebody call the police.
Another step
and I'll break your neck, Hundley.
-Hundley? I'm not Hundley.
-Of course not, you're Vanna White.
Looks like Harry here
fell off the waggon.
Hardly blame him, chained
to this bag of crud all day long.
My name's David Addison.
I'm a private investigator.
Check my ID. He stole my wallet.
-What are you doing?
-My job, taking you back to prison.
Prison? You're making a mistake.
My name is David Addison.
Well, you got the next 99 years
to straighten it out.
Get your last looks.
Big house over that hill.
Best news I had since they started
making red M&M's again.
You're one of those freaks
who likes it better on the inside, huh?
The sooner I get there,
the sooner I get out.
Yeah, me too.
You should have seen
my lawyer's face drop...
...when they sentenced me
to this place.
Worst of the worst degenerates...
...they dump them here.
It's a living hell.
You're lucky
if you get three squares a day.
What did you do to get here?
Forgot to clean my fingernails.
Lands you in prison every time.
They found bits of my boss
under them.
Through the door, one at a time.
Let's go, let's go.
Keep moving.
Don't pull on the chain.
Quiet.
All the way down.
Move it.
Let's go, move it, on the yellow line.
Move it, move it.
Put your left arm up.
Put your arms down.
When I tell you, put your
personal belongings on the counter.
-Do this--
-Excuse me, officer.
I know you're probably up to your
eyeballs trying to keep the arsonists...
...from torching the axe murderers,
so I'll be brief.
Put your hands in your pockets
before I cut them off.
I know this represents
paperwork to you...
...but when you weigh that
against my rights...
...in the greatest democracy
in the world--
-Should I speak--?
-Got him?
-Bottoms up, idiot.
-Am I in a prison for the deaf?
Didn't you hear what I said? Hey.
Next.
To me, this is more
than just a prison.
It's a community.
You men have been invited
to live in the community...
...because
you're world-class scum.
In any community,
everybody? got a job.
My job's simple.
Take care of any problems.
Your job's simple too.
Not to be a problem.
So our two jobs are the same.
And when they ain't the same...
...we got a conflict of interest.
And whenever
there's a conflict of interest...
...well, I got a place in the hole
to help you learn your job better.
What you think, I don't care.
What you feel,
I don't give a rat's butt.
And what you want don't mean zero.
So it stacks up like this:
You're late for work...
...it's two days in the hole.
You miss a meal...
...it's three days in the hole.
You take a shower once a week
and you cut your hair twice a month...
...or it's four days in the hole.
And if you fight...
...or mouth off...
...maybe the hole's too good for you.
-Robin, look at this. Check it out.
-Hey, lover boy.
You and me got a hot date tonight.
Look, what's this? Some fresh meat.
Hey, baby.
Looking for some action?
Hubba-hubba.
Hey, sweetheart. I'll visit you later.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Home sweet home.
Don't worry, it's not locked.
Captain Shank likes the screws
to clang the door in your face.
Gets him sexually aroused.
Name's Arnie Steckler.
I was hoping to bunk
with somebody else tonight, Arnie.
Nice to meet you.
Your mattress has a ditch in it,
but then again, they all do.
No mints on my pillow?
I told them it was okay
to stick you in here with me.
We all heard the stories, Hundley.
Everybody's squawking
about getting stuck with you.
But I says, live and let live.
I guess you could say
that's my motto: Live and let live.
Is it true you played tetherball
with that parole officer's head?
Croquet.
You better remember
who the hell you're talking to.
When I want something, it means...
...I don't wanna hear any crap
out of you.
Do you understand?
Now, give me that. I told you, man.
I don't like easy-listening music.
That's Derrick.
Let me guess.
He runs the prayer group.
Short fuse. it's a congenital thing.
The doctors are studying him.
Hey, where is he?
Hey, he's down there.
Here's action, man.
I wanna watch this.
This is gonna be good.
Good night, Irene!
There it is.
I thought I smelled new meat.
Back up, come in again,
and this time, say "fee fi fo fum."
Derrick, Mad Dog Hundley.
Mad Dog, Derrick--
Hundley.
Mad Dog Hundley in our prison.
And in my cellblock.
So how do you like it so far,
Mad Dog?
Can you put your leg behind your ear
and scratch where it itches?
They told me you was a tough guy.
Are you a tough guy?
I got my wolf badge
if that's what you mean.
You ain't gonna do here what you did
in them other prisons.
You got that?
Look around you, man.
This joint belongs to me.
You ain't taking over, you see?
-That's right, you tell him.
-Did a nice job with it too.
Yeah, that's right, man.
And I wanna see
what kind of job you can do.
On my shoes.
You're gonna shine them.
And I'm gonna show you how,
so listen up.
Apply the polish evenly,
then buff a hundred times.
And don't use a rag. Use a chamois.
I'll be back tomorrow, first thing.
And I wanna be able to shave
in that shine...
...Mad Dog.
This better be a dream episode.
Derrick really likes it when you use
edge black along the soles.
You wanna get gutted?
He gets these shoes custom-made
all the way from Italy.
He ought to buy American.
Look, Mad Dog.
Why don't you lighten up a bit?
I know it's your first night,
so if you wanna be by yourself...
...I could sit on my bunk
and face the wall.
I just wanna get out of here,
that's all.
Don't worry about that feeling.
You'll get over it
in about five or 10 years.
That's beautiful, Herbert.
-Agnes?
-Yes?
What is all that stuff on your face?
Come on up. I'll buzz you in.
You're in like Flynn, kid.
You're the greatest, Uncle Phil.
Who is it?
I've never been serenaded before.
I've never serenaded
anyone before.
You still have some on your cheek.
I love guacamole.
About this morning--
None of that matters now.
I disgraced myself.
A couple of hours ago...
...I placed an overseas phone call.
The Foreign Legion
is willing to consider my application.
It'll be a great way to learn French.
You don't have to parlez-vous, Bert.
This morning was really all my fault.
I'm the one who
blurted out the secret, not you.
I'm the one
who I should never see again.
So I made a call too.
To Miss Hayes.
-To apologise.
-How did she take it?
She told me
not to lose any sleep over it.
She was going to tell
Mr. Addison herself anyway.
Well, good.
At least they can...
...thrash it out face-to-face.
No.
She said Mr. Addison
hasn't shown up in Chicago.
I wonder where he is.
Agnes.
I'm here.
Do you mind losing a little sleep
over me?
Oh, Bert.
All right, let's shake it up.
Everybody, let's go, let's go.
Let's move it.
Open up Cellblock 2.
Cellblock 2 open.
Hundley, up and at them.
I don't care what you did
to 13 babysitters.
I ain't gonna lose
my canteen privileges...
-...because you're late for a meal.
-I was having a nightmare.
I was at the zoo.
Except all the animals
were walking around and I was ....
Everybody up. Let's go, get up.
What did you do?
I had to get up
in the middle of the night.
-It was dark.
-We're dead.
Hey, Hundley.
Derrick.
-Morning, sir. Did you sleep well?
-Where's my shoes?
We had a little problem
with the shoes.
What kind of problem?
Better tell him.
Hundley almost gave you back
your shoes...
...without putting on the new soles
I made for them.
What was wrong with the old soles?
You tell him.
You ever heard of a condition
called flattus feetacitus?
-Is that bad?
-Is it bad?
If you don't get
the proper arch support...
...it's a foregone conclusion,
and that's just for starters.
Then you got your bunions,
arthritis.
-Gout.
-Gout.
Steck|er's just trying to keep you
out of a wheelchair.
Yeah, we're gonna have them
fixed up as good as new.
Better than new.
Put some taps on them.
You're gonna love this.
Make you feel like a king.
Like you're walking on water.
Across an ocean...
...of perfumed, silky
ladies' underwear.
-Yeah, I like that.
-He likes it.
Good. Have them for you,
say, next week?
No, first thing tomorrow.
-Where am I gonna get taps?
-I'll send you some soon as I get out.
Which ought to be about five minutes
after I talk to the warden.
Yeah, piece of cake. Maybe he's even
gonna toss you the keys to his Caddy.
All right, maggots, it's chow time.
Let's move it.
May I see a wine list, please?
You guys mind if I join you?
You must be
the foreign-exchange prisoners.
-Welcome to our land.
-You're not sitting there.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
He's a new guy.
He don't mean nothing, honest.
He's a new guy.
Rule number one,
chocolate and vanilla don't mix.
What's the problem?
I'm down with the brothers.
-Listen to the same radio stations.
-Look, you know my motto, Mad Dog.
-Live and let live.
-Yeah.
But on the inside,
you stick with your own kind...
...unless you got something
against breathing.
You lucky bastard.
You don't want it?
Trying to cut down.
Cuban.
Scarface used to have these sent in
from Havana. Thanks.
Don't mention it.
Darwyn wants you to go with him
to the prison rodeo.
Who's Darwyn?
What am I, chopped liver?
Back, Darwyn, back!
Just in time, constable.
Party's getting a little wild.
Leave it.
it'll probably tighten your pores.
Yo, room service.
Wanna send up a bed?
How about some clean towels
and a basket of fruit?
I can explain everything, Maddie.
"You can explain where you were
during nine months of pregnancy...
...|abour, potty training,
kindergarten?"
Yeah, I was in prison.
"Prison?"
Prison.
"Sure you didn't just fall off
some barstool and have amnesia?"
That's great.
Go ahead, make jokes, Maddie.
I didn't really come here to see you.
"Well, at least we agree
on something...
...because I don't wanna
see you either."
I came here to see the kid.
I want to let him know
that he's got a father.
"You're not his father.
You're just some mistake
I made a long time ago."
I got a right, Maddie.
"He doesn't even know you.
I never told him about you."
You never told him about me?
"What was I supposed to say,
David?
You just disappeared.
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?
Where were you, David?"