Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 4 - Tale in Two Cities - full transcript

♪ Come Walk By Night ♪

♪ Come Fly By Day ♪

♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪

♪ 'cause We Met
On The Way ♪

♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪

♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪

♪ Moonlighting Strangers ♪

♪ Who Just Met
On The Way ♪

♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪

♪ Who Just Met
On The Way ♪

Captioining Made Possible By
Lions Gate Home Entertainment



i'm Terribly
In Love.

and You Seem To Be
Too, So...

one Of Us Has
To Think And Try

and Keep Things Clear.

i Do Believe
That If A Woman Cares--

i Don't Care.
It's Just That

i'm Used To You,
That's All.

I Think We Need
Some New Pillows.

One Of The Shops
Is Having A Sale.

Maybe I Ought
To Order A Couple.

Do You Want To
Talk About It?

Talk About What,
Ordering Pillows?

About What's
Bothering You.

Nothing's Bothering
Me. What Makes You



Think Something's
Bothering Me?

Help Me Turn
The Mattress Around.

What?

Help Me Turn
The Mattress Around.

Now? Why Can't Carmelita
Do It In The Morning?

Carmelita Has
A Bad Back.

What About My Bad Back?

Bend Your Knees.

Why Are You
So Upset With Maddie?

I'm Not Upset With
Maddie.

Alex, You Could Fry
An Egg On Your Forehead.

Ok, 1, 2, 3.

So What Is It?

I'm Not Upset With Her,
But I'm Beginning

To Find You A Little
Trying.

All Right.
Would You Explain To Me

Why A 36-Year-Old
Woman

With Her Own House,
C.E.O. Of Her Own Company

Who Drives A More
Expensive Car Than I Do,

Loiters Around This House

Like Some Goofball
College Kid?

She Is Visiting
Her Family.

Now, Let's Just Finish
Making The Bed.

News For You,
She Is Notvisiting.

She's Hiding Out From
Something Or Someone,

And I Don't Like It.

Alex, Stop Being
So Melodramatic.

I'm Not Being
Melodramatic.

I Know My Own Daughter.
Something Is Wrong.

And I Resent The Fact
That She Won't

Clue Us In. Two Weeks,
And Not A Peep.

You Just Resent A Wedding.
And That's

The Most Cynical,
Suspicious Thing

I Have Ever Heard You Say.

Says You.

Says Me.

I'm Going In There To
Find Out What's Going On.

You Will Do Nothing
Of The Kind.

I Won't?

You Won't.
Why Won't I?

Because I Don't Trust
How You'll Ask Her.

Anyway, It's None
Of Your Business.

I Beg Your Pardon.
It's My Daughter.

This Is Our House.

Shh! Keep Your Voice Down.
She'll Hear You.

I Will Not Keep My
Voice Down!

I'm Tired Of
Standing Around,

Twiddling My Thumbs

While She's In There
On The Ropes.

I'm Her Father.

I Know That,
And She Knows That,

But She's
A Full Grown Woman.

And Maybe What's
Bothering Her Is Something

She Just Doesn't Want
To Share With Us Right Now.

Oh...

Ha Ha.

Well. Yes.

She Told You.

Told Me What?
Whatever It Is.

Whatever's
Got Her Bollixed Up.

She Told You.

She Didn't
Tell Me Anything.

It's Some Woman
Thing, Isn't It?

What Do You Mean By
"Some Woman Thing"?

Come On, What
Did She Tell You?

Nothing. She Didn't
Tell Me Anything.

I Am Going To Sleep.

Come To Bed, Alex.

I Just Want To Help
Her, That's All.

I Know.

[Elevator Chimes]

[Elevator Chimes]

Mr. Addison!

It Helps When You Open
Your Eyes, Doesn't It?

See, Every Day
I Cross My Fingers,

And I Hold My Breath,
And I Close My Eyes

Until I Get To
The Office.

And Then Maybe
When I Get There

And I Open My Eyes,

Miss Hayes
Will Be Back.

You Know How It Is
Sometimes,

When You Try Everything
You Can Think Of

To Make Something
Happen,

Only Nothing
You Try Works.

And Then You Get
To Feel Like...

I'm Sorry I'm Not My
Normal Rock-Solid Self,

But Sometimes I Think...

What If Miss Hayes
Never Comes Back?

Agnes, Don't Be Silly.

Don't Worry About That.

Miss Hayes Certainly Hasn't
Seen The Last Of Us.

And We Certainly Haven't
Seen The Last Of Her,

Although She Does Have
A Very Nice Last.

I'm In Touch
With Her All The Time.

You Are?

Hell, Yeah. 4 Or 5 Times
A Day. Yakety-Yakety-Yak.

"How's Agnes, How's Bert,
How's The Office?"

Yakking My Ear Off.

Yak Is Good.

The Fact Is, Not Only
Is She Not Awol.

She Can't Wait To Get
Back. Can't Wait.

So Bag The Rain Dance,
Honey. Any Day Now,

You're Gonna Come Up Here,
Peek Through This Window,

And There She'll Blow.
Hollering, Slamming Doors,

Just Like
She Never Left.

Do You Really Think So?

By My Mother's
Pot Roast.

You Want To Go To
The Airport With Me

To Pick Her Up?

Maybe
She Took A Cab.

She's Here.

I Snapped Seven
Wishbones Last Week.

She's Here,

Or I Got A Lot
Of Leftover Chicken.

Mighty Slim
Eavesdropping

This Side Of
The Tracks Lately.

Just
Like Old Times.

Macgilicuddy's
Getting His Head

Handed To Him.

I Knew She Couldn't
Stay Away. I Knew She'd

Run Out Of Heads To Hand
People In Chicago.

Miss Dipesto,
Make A Lunch Date

For Miss Hayes
And Myself.

Say 12:30.
Say L'orangerie.

Say No More.

May I Have Some Privacy,
Please?

Move It, Move It,
Move It, Kids. I Want

Heads Down, Arms Folded.
It's Quiet Time.

Back So Soon.
I Didn't Even--

Mr. Addison. How Are You?
Hi.

Where's Miss Hayes?

I Thought She Was
In Chicago.

Right.

Very Good, Viola.
Chicago.

The Windy City.

It's Not That Windy.

What's This All About,
Boys?

This?
This.

This? It's Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing, Huh?

Well, Then You Boys Wouldn't
Mind Stepping Outside

And Giving Me
Five Laps.

Yes, Sir.
Yes, Sir.

Hello. I'm Here
To See A David Addison.

You're Not Miss Hayes.

Hello, Mr. Addison.
Leonard Haven,

Carroll Accounting.
We Spoke. Remember?

Payroll Management,
Bill Pay--

Watch It, Pal!

You Said Something
About Hell In A Handbasket.

Is Now Not
A Good Time?

Hey, You Got Two
More To Go, Buster!

Do Them For Me,
Squirt.

I Got Better
Things To Do.

Excuse Me For Barging
In Like This, Mr. Addison,

But I Got To Talk To
Somebody

Or I'm Going
To Explode.

It's That Lizard
Macgilicuddy!

That Satyr,
That One-Eyed Jack!

As You May Remember, Sir,

About Two Weeks, His
Marriage Broke Up, Ha!

No Surprise.

For The Last Three Days,
He's Been All Over Agnes.

My Girl!

Like Some...

Like Some Giant Squid.

How Could She
Succumb To A...

Masher Like That?

How Could She
Do This To Me, Huh?

How?

Huh?

Mr. Addison?

Look, Uh...Bert,

It's Nothing
Personal,

But I'd
Like To Be Alone

For A Few Minutes.

Alone?

Yeah. You Know,
By Myself.

Oh, I Know.

I Do.

It Sure Is Tough
Being A Guy,

Isn't It,
Mr. Addison?

I Know. I'll Order A Nice
Platter Of Petits Fours?

Honey, This Is Not
A Croquet Match.

It's A Cocktail Party. Let's
Have Some Hot Hors D'oeuvres.

Fine. So I'll
Make Some Rumaki.

Ooh. Chicken Livers.

Well, I Don't Have
To Eat Them.

I'll Get The Booze.

Hello.

Hi, Dear.

Late Start Today, Dad?

No. Just Wanted To Wait Around
And Say Good Morning To You.

Good Morning.

Oh, I'm Sorry.

Did You Want To Talk?

Well...

Your Mother And I Had
A Whale Of An Idea.

A Whale Of
An Idea.

How Would You React
To The Notion Of Having

A Kind Of, Oh,
A Spur Of The Moment

Sort Of Get-Together
Around Here?

A Spur Of The Moment
Sort Of Get-Together?

A Get-Together.
A Shindig.

A Shindig, Here? When?

Well, I Don't Know.
We Were Thinking,

Why Not Tonight?

That Certainly Would Be
Spur Of The Moment.

Exactly.

We'll Keep It Small.

And You'll Know
Most Of The People.

The Sommers,
The Overmeyers...

We're Not Exactly
The Hot Tub Crowd,

But Your Old Dad Here
Hasn't Forgotten

How To Shake Up A Pretty
Good Margarita.

I Know That, Daddy.

But Would The World
Fall Apart

If It's
Not Tonight?

I'm Sorry.
Would The World...What?

No. I Mean, Why Tonight?
Why Not Next Week?

I Don't Think
You Heard Me.

I Said Party,
Not Cod Liver Oil.

No, I Heard You.
Just...

Just What?
We Have Some People Over,

You Nod At Them Over The Top
Of Your Highball Glass,

We Switch On Some
Cha-Cha Music And--

We Just Thought It Would Be
Pleasant For You,

And For Us, To Have
A Little Fun This Evening

And See Some Friends,
That's All.

Look, I Came Here
To Be With You Two,

To Relax, Not To Be
Scrutinized

By People I Haven't
Seen In 10 Years.

Scrutinized? I Don't Think
Anybody Would Come Over Here

To Scrutinize.

Just Wait A Second. Would
Someone Please Tell Me

What's So God Awful
About Wanting To Do

Something Nice For
Our Daughter?

What's The Crime?

The Crime Is,
Daddy,

You're
Cornering Me.

Cornering You?

You Asked Me What I Think.
You Want To Know My Opinion.

And Then When I Tell You,
You Get Angry At Me.

I Am Not Angry With You. Your
Mother Is Not Angry With You.

No One Is Angry With You.
All We Want To Do Is

Have A Happy
Little Get-Together.

Fine. Great.
Nobody's Angry.

Nobody Is.

Great. Well, That
Settles That.

Excuse Me.

If I Wanted
To Be Badgered,

I'd Go To L.A.

Well, I Have An
Appointment Downtown.

You Girls Decide
What You Want.

I Don't Really Care.

It Wasn't My Idea
Anyway.

I'm Sorry I Got
So Upset.

I'm Sorry
I Upset Him.

Maddie...

For Two Weeks, I Have
Watched You Sit Around Here

Wrestling With Some
Private Something.

Shutting Us Out,
Shutting The World Out.

And That's Just Fine.

And For Two Weeks,
I've Watched That Man

Reach Out To You
And Ask You And Beg You

And Shame You Into Sharing
Your Problems With Him.

But You Can't Or You
Won't. And That's Just Fine.

But Tonight We're
Having A Party.

And We're Inviting Our
Friends Over

To Meet Our Daughter.

And, Maddie, You Are
Going To Be There.

And You're Going To Smile,
And You're Going To Laugh.

And You're Going To Have
A Wonderful Time.

And You Are Going
To Do It For Him.

You Excuse Me. I Have
Lots Of Calls To Make,

Things To Do.

Mr. Addison.

Look At That. It's Only
50 Degrees In Chicago.

Mr. Addison, I Can't Do
Anything For You

Without Some Semblance
Of Cooperation.

What's The Matter?
Missing A Few Beans?

Could You Please Tell
Me What This Is?

A Garter.

5'5", Black Hair...

Didn't Have Time To Get
A Receipt.

I Mean This.
What Is This?

Cocktail Napkin.

Yes. But You've Written
A Check On It

In The Amount Of $175.

Was It
A Business Expense?

I Needed An Advance.

And The Woman That Does
The Advancing

Has Been Doing A Lot Of
Retreating Lately.

Mr. Addison,
Your Records Are Chaotic.

Your Bills
Are In Arrears.

And Your Payroll
Is A Mess.

So Saw My Hands Off.

[Knock On Door]

Come In.

Excuse Me,
Mr. Addison.

What Is It, Agnes?

I Was Just Wondering

If I Could Leave
A Little Early Today

So I Could Stop By
Miss Hayes' House?

I Just Realized

That Nobody's
Picked Up Her Mail

Or Turned
Her Lights On.

That's A Dead Giveaway
To Burglars.

This Is A Man's Job, Agnes.

Who Knows What Fiend
Could Be Pawing

Through Her Priceless
Collection Of Underwear

Even As We Speak?

We'll Continue This Later?

Write Mr. Haven
A Check, Please.

[Telephone Rings]

[Ring]

hi. This Is Maddie Hayes.
I'm Not Here Right Here.

but Please Leave
Your Name--

[Beep]

[Rewind]

maddie, It's Dirty Dave.

fyi, Yours Truly Is
Stopping Off At Trader Joe's,

on The Way Home,
'cause Guess What.

i'm Making You Dinner.

candlelight, Vino,
And Steak A La Dave.

clear Off A Space
On The Rug, Baby.

[Beep]

hey, Goldilocks, You Sick?

taking A Nap?

too Much Porridge?
Where You Hiding?

Don't Hang Up, Maddie!

Maddie, Hello, Hello,
It's David. Hey!

[Dial Tone]

A Couple Of Days Ago,

I Came
Home From Work.

And The Door Was Open.

She'd Backed A Van
Up To The Apartment.

Everything...

Everything Was Gone.

Tough Luck,
Macgilicuddy.

I Was Pretty Bitter
At First, But Then

I Remembered What
My Dad Said To Me,

"Macgilicuddy..."
He Said,

You Never Get Anywhere
In This Life

By Crying In Your Beer."

I Admire Your Strength,
Macgilicuddy.

Agnes.

Thanks For Being Here.

Excuse Me While I
Procure

Some More
Cocktail Franks.

Herbert.

Come On.

Where?
Away. Far Away.

Yeah, But I'm Having
A Drink With Macgilicuddy--

Agnes, I Never Have
To Know

Anything About What's
Been Going On Here.

Nothing's
Going On Here, Herbert.

Macgilicuddy's Wife
Just Left Him.

He Really
Needs A Friend.

A Friend?

You're Just Too Good
Of A Person

To See Him For
What He Really Is.

Herbert, What Are You
Talking About?

The Man Is
A Philandering,

Womanizing Glutton.

And You're The Next
Morsel On His Menu.

Macgilicuddy?

That Shifty Maggot.

He's A Toad...

A Clogged Pore,

Night Soil.

You're Jealous,
Aren't You?

Jealous?

Jealous?

Are You Crazy?

You Are Jealous.

Poor Macgilicuddy's
Hit Rock Bottom,

But Do You Have One Iota
Of Sympathy For Him? No.

All You Have Are Your
Petty, Selfish Jealousies.

Now Come On, Let
Go Of My Hands.

You Heard The Lady.

Buzz Off, Bub.

Listen, Hubert--

Keep It Up, Pal.

You'll Be
Spitting Chiclets.

Stop It, Both Of You.

Herbert, No One Asked You
To Be My Guardian Angel.

I'm Not Leaving
Here Without You.

Oh, Yes, You Are.

Because I Am Exercising
My Constitutional Right

For Free Association

By Having Cocktail Franks
With Whomever I Please.

You Better Be Sure

Your Blue Cross Is
Paid Up, Bucko.

hi. This Is Maddie Hayes.
I'm Not Here Right Here,

please Leave Your Name
And Number

at The Sound Of The Beep,

and I'll Get Right
Back To You.

[Beep]

I'm Still Playing
By Your Rules, Maddie.

I'm Not Calling Chicago

So I Haven't
Broken Our Deal,

But I Know That
You Check Your Messages.

So Listen Up. You Want
To Take A Powder

Every Time I Look At
You Slant-Wise,

That's Fine.
It's Just Fine.

I'll Tell You
What's Not Fine, Though.

I'm Tired Of Playing
By Your Rules,

I'm Tired Of Your Pacts.

And I Am Sick And Tired
Of Waiting For You

To Get Your Program
Together.

I Got Maybe
Two Score And 7

Before They Put Me Back
In The Ground.

And I'll Tell You
Something,

I Have Wasted Way
Too Much Time On You.

I Have Friends, I Have
A Business To Run,

And I Have A Life,

And I'm Gonna Get
Back To It.

So I'll Tell You
What, Maddie.

Why Don't You Just
Stay In Chicago?

Ok, Maddie?

[Elevator Chimes]

Well.

Well?

Thanks Again. You're
A Good Listener.

What Are Friends For?

If My Wife Had Been Half
The Woman You Are,

I'd Be The Luckiest
Man In The World.

♪ Is She Really
Going Out With Him ♪

♪ Well, There She Is,
Let's Ask Her ♪

♪ Betty, Is That Jimmy's
Ring You're Wearing ♪

♪ Um-Hmm ♪

♪ Gee, It Must Be Great
Riding With Him ♪

♪ Is He Picking You Up
After School Today ♪

♪ Mm-Mm ♪

♪ By The Way, Where
Did You Meet Him ♪

♪ I Met Him
At The Candy Store ♪

♪ Turned Around
And Smiled At Me ♪

♪ You Get The Picture ♪

♪ Yes, We See ♪

♪ That's When I Fell For
The Leader Of The Pack ♪

Tete-A-Tete
With My Girl, Huh?

Now We'll See
Who The Squirt Is, Bucko.

I'm Calling You Out...

♪ ...They Told Me
He Was Bad ♪

Unless You're Chicken.

♪ But I Knew He Was Sad ♪

♪ That's Why I Fell For
The Leader Of The Pack ♪

♪ He's Sort
Of Smart ♪

♪ He Kissed Me
Good-Bye... ♪

Oh, My God.

♪ ...As He
Drove Away ♪

Herbert, Don't!

♪ I Begged Him
To Go Slow ♪

♪ Whether He Heard,
I'll Never Know ♪

♪ No, No, No, No, No ♪

Look Out, Look Out,
Look Out!

Move Over.

Grrr.

Move Over.

What Do You Say You
And Me Go Somewhere

And Blow Off Some Steam?

Mm! Thank You
Very Much.

Hot Hors D'oeuvres,
Anyone?

It's Delicious.
What Is It?

Rumaki. Have Some.

Rumaki, Huh?

I'll Try One Of Those.

I'm Having The Best
Round Of My Life.

But The Ball Catches Sand
100 Yards Off The 18th Tee,

So I Take Out My 5 Iron.

I Swing!

The Ball Bounces Onto
The Green, Hits The Pin.

Bingo, Right Into The Hole
For An Eagle.

Nice Shot.

It Would Have Been,
Except It Wasn't My Ball.

Excuse Me,
Could You Tell Me--

Oh, Yes. Right Through
There To The Right.

The First Door.

Is She Still Upstairs
Getting Dressed?

She'll Be Down
In A Minute.

Relax.

Why Are You Looking
At Me Like That For?

Just Wondering How
An Ugly Old Joe Like Me

Wound Up With A Beautiful
Daughter Like You.

Oh, My Goodness.

Now, Now,
None Of Them Bite.

Maddie.

Mrs. Cousins!

How Are You?

Fine, Fine.

Let Me Look At You.

Golly, It's
Been A Long Time.

It Certainly Has.

Where's Mr. Cousins?

Oh, He's Over At
The Grandview, I'm Afraid.

Oh, That's All Right.
I'm Sure The Party's

Gonna Go On For A While.
He Can Drop In Later.

It Isn't That He
Didn't Want To Come,

But Even If We Could Have
Gotten The Ambulance,

And A Nurse, The Oxygen
Is Such A Bother.

He's At The Grandview.
It's A Lovely Facility.

You Remember, Don't You?

I'll Have A Drink.

Haddie Mayes.

Leon Summers.

I Put Gum In Your Hair.
Eighth Grade, Remember?

Leon Is Always
Telling Customers

How He Put Gum In The Blue Moon Champoo Girl's Hair

Really?

This Is My Wife Elinore,
My Daughter Opal.

Hi.

This Is Maddie Hayes.
Although

In The Av Club, We Used To
Call Her Haddie Mayes.

You Did?

Opal Wants
To Be A Model.

Mom.

Maybe Miss Hayes Can Teach
You How To Put On Make-Up.

It Is Still
Miss Hayes, Isn't It?

Yes.

Oh.
Oh.

Oh.

A Lot Of White
Wine Drinkers

Out There Tonight.

Maddie Seems To Be
Enjoying Herself.

You Think So?

And You Look
Almost Relaxed.

With A Little Help
From King William.

Not Too Much, I Hope.

[Doorbell Rings]

I'll Get It.

Yes?

Sorry To Bother You.
I'm Steve Hill,

The New Neighbor From
Across The Street.

The Doctor. Hey, That's
One Hell Of A Beautiful Lawn

You Have Over There.

Alex Hayes.

Hi. Sorry. I Didn't
Realize You Were Busy.

We're Just Having
A Little Get-Together.

Come On In.

Oh, Thanks. I Just Wanted
To Drop Off The Mail.

It Got Delivered
To Me By Mistake.

Isn't That The Civil
Service For You. Right?

Come On, Come On And

Have A Little Something
To Lift Your Spirits.

Thanks. I Don't
Want To Intrude.

I Won't Take
No For An Answer.

Honey, Dr. Hill
From Across The Street.

This Is My Wife Virginia.

Hi.

I'm Pleased To Meet You.

My Husband's A Big
Fan Of Your Lawn.

Why Don't You Take Care
Of The Introductions

And I'll Make The Man
A Drink? What's Your Poison?

Mineral Water's
Fine.

I Guess I Can Dip Up
Something Like That.

Come On In.

♪ I'm A Man ♪

♪ Yes, I Am ♪

♪ But I Can't Help
But Love You So ♪

♪ No, No, No ♪

♪ I'm A Man ♪

♪ Yes, I Am ♪

♪ But I Can't Help
But Love You So ♪

Would You Bring Us Two
More Of These, Please,

And Keep The Change.

["I'm A Man" Playing]

Hi, Babe.

Here's To Kentucky.

I Guess The Cat's
Out Of The Bag,

Mr. Addison.

Dump The Drink
Down Your Throat, Bert.

♪ I'm A Man ♪

♪ Yes, I Am ♪

♪ And I Can't Help
But Love You So ♪

♪ No, No, No ♪

♪ I'm A Man ♪

♪ Yes, I Am... ♪

I Don't Have Any
Secrets From You,

Mr. Addison.

You've Seen
The Two Bert Violas.

One Gets His Shoes
Shined Twice A Week

And Buys Generic
Toilet Paper.

The Other...

Terminator...

A Cold-Blooded
Killing Machine.

In Retrospect,

I Think I May Have
Overreacted A Little

With Agnes'
New Boyfriend.

I Don't Know
About That, Bert.

Cleaning Prison Laundry

Could Be An Exciting
And Rewarding Career.

It Would Have Been
Worth It To See

Macgilicuddy's
Head Up On A Pike.

I Don't Know.

You Got Your
Pike Costs, Permits,

Wall Mounting,
Spotlights.

Decapitation's Got
A Lot Of Overhead.

Huh.

Go Ahead, Joke.
Who Cares?

I've Got A Pair Of
Cuckold's Horns

Where My Future
Used To Be.

Bert. Bertie.

Just Take A Look
Around This Place.

You Got About A Half Ton
Of Soft, Voluptuous,

Perfumed Feminine Mystery,
All Within Lip Reach,

Not To Mention Who Knows
How Much Silicon?

You're Acting Like
You're In A Burn Ward.

I Can't Help It.
What Did I Do

To Bring This Curse
Down On Me?

You Want The Bitter Truth?

You Put Your Own Head
In The Noose.

When Are Things At
Their Best With Women?

When You Won't Give Them
A Second Look, Am I Right?

That's The Way It
Was With Agnes

In The Beginning.

Yeah, And Now What?

Phone Calls Every Night,

Leaving
The Toilet Seat Down,

And Where Do They Send
Your Mail?

To Bert Viola,
"Care Of The Dumper."

You Couldn't Find Me
With A Plumber's Helper.

As Soon As A Broad
Knows You Care,

She Starts Zipping
Up The Body Bag.

But Somewhere,
There's Got To Be

A Woman Who's Worth It.

No, I Don't Think So.

Hi. Someone Told Me I Might
Find Some More Rumaki In Here.

Did You Check
Under The Coffee Table

In The Living Room?

I'm Steve Hill.
And You Must Be Maddie.

Right.

Nice To Meet You.
I Live Across The Street.

Oh, You're The One
With The--

Nice Lawn, Right.
Right.

Well, I Guess That's Going
To Be My Epitaph.

A Quarter Century Of
Schooling And People

Only Remember Me As The Guy
Who Conquered Crabgrass.

Well, You Could
Stop Watering,

Except My Father
Would Be Crushed.

Not As Much
As He'll Be

If I Don't Drag You
Back To The Party.

He Sent You In Here.

He Wants To Make Sure
You're Having A Good Time

In The Kitchen With
No One To Talk To.

Well, It's Not
Exactly Woodstock

Out There, Is It?

Nope.

Well, I Don't Want
To Keep You.

You're The Guest
Of Honor, So--

Do You Have A Car?
What?

Do You Like To Drive
Fast? Is There A Radio?

Sure, I Got A Radio.

Would You Like
To Give Me

A Tour Of The Local
Attractions?

Now?
Right Now.

Let's Take A Drive.
I Haven't Been

Out Of This House
In A Week.

I Don't Know.
There's Not Much To See.

So Tell Me Who
The Happy Seaman Is, Bert?

Is The Happy Seaman The Guy

With One Girl Back
In Baltimore,

Who Dunks The Doughnut
One Month Out Of The Year,

Or Is The Happy Seaman

The Guy With
A Doughnut In Every Port?

I Love Doughnuts,
Mr. Addison.

That A Boy, Bert. In This
World, It's All You Can Eat.

Your Batting Average
Goes Way Up

When You Can Hit The Ball
To All Fields.

How Right You Are, Sir.

A Couple Of Home Runs
Just Walked In.

They Certainly Are
Pleasant-Looking.

They're Talking
To Us, Bert.

What?

Body Language.

They're Throwing
Their Shoulders Back.

What Happens When You
Throw Your Shoulders Back?

That's Right.

Hope You Wore
Clean Underwear, Bertie.

My Purple Ones.

Excuse Me.

Could You Bring Us
A Couple More Of These?

And Buy Those
Two Young Ladies Down There

Something On
The Sheik And Me.

What If
They're Drinking

$200 Bottles Of
Champagne, Sir?

Then They'll Have Ample
Opportunity To Show Us

Their Appreciation.

To The Hunt.

To The Hunt.

Wow, Mr. Addison.

Not Only Is It Very
Nice Of You Girls

To Invite Us Back
To Your Place,

It Was An Errand
Of Mercy.

With The Sheik's Asthma,

The Smoke In That Place
Would Have Put Him

In An Iron Lung For
The Rest Of His Life.

Much Better.

It Was A Mustard
Gas Factory.

Yeah.

Not To Mention
A Vipers' Nest.

They Actually Have
Rolodex Cards On The Bar

So You Don't Have
To Write Your Number

On A Cocktail Napkin.

Sad, Isn't It?

Thank You.

♪ We Got The Condo
In Redondo ♪

♪ Is Very, Very,
Very Nice, Uh! ♪

How About A Margarita?

¿por Que No?

The Bar's Over There,

And I'll Fire Up
The Jacuzzi.

How About Giving Me
A Hand With The Cover?

Sure.

♪ Very, Very, Very Nice ♪

Jacuzzis, Margaritas.

Fish In A Barrel, Bertie.

Fish In
A Barrel.

Sir, You Wouldn't Have
A Spare Pair Of Speedos

In The Trunk Of Your
Car, By Any Chance,

Would You?

Not To Worry, Bert.
I've Got A Feeling,

Deep Down In My Bones
That We Have Fallen In

With The Clothing
Optional Crowd.

I'm Six Months
From Graduating,

I'm Sitting There
In This Seminar,

And This
Visiting Professor,

You Know, Mayo Clinic,
A Leader In Research

On Stress Related To
The Medical Profession,

He's Sitting There
Saying To All Of Us,

"Why Do You Want
To Be Doctors?"

And I'm Thinking,
To Help People?

And He Says,
"To Help People,"

And He Kind Of Laughs
And He Says,

"You Better Be Doing It

"Because You Like
To Open People Up,

"Stick Your Hands
Inside All That Ooze,

Because, Folks, That's
What Doctors Do."

You Know,
A Fellow Like Me,

Getting Shanghaied
From A Party

By A Woman Like You,
I Won't Lie.

It Does Wonders For
Your Self-Esteem.

But This Silent
Treatment...

Well, Let's Just Say

It's Kind Of Undoing
All Your Hard Work.

So What About You?

What's The
Maddie Hayes Story?

Huh? Excuse Me?

Look, Would You Rather
I Took You Home?

I'm Sorry.
Did I Go Away On You?

I've Been Doing That
A Lot Lately.

Is Something
The Matter?

No.

Yes.

No.

God, This
Is Embarrassing.

You Don't
Even Know Me.

I'm Really Not Like This.

Usually I'm Fun,
I Think.

But Lately, I Don't
Know What It Is.

I Feel Horrible All The Time.
I Sleep All The Time,

But Still Feel Exhausted.

I Hate To Sound
Like A Doctor, But

When Was The Last Time
You Had A Checkup?

Excuse Me?

I'll Make You A Deal.

I Have To Stop
By The Hospital

And Look In On
A Patient Anyway.

Why Don't You Let Me
Conk Your Knees

With My Rubber Mallet?

I Feel So Connected
To Nature

When I
Look At The Ocean.

Well, There's Nothing
More Mysterious.

Or Seductive.

The Moon's Almost Full.

Yeah.

Maybe The Grunion
Will Run Tonight.

Grunion?

Gives Me Goose Bumps

Just Thinking
About Them,

The Way They
Wash Up Onto The Beach

In Wave After Wave
After Wave,

Their Silvery Little
Bodies Writhing

In The Moonlit Surf.

Haven't You
Ever Seen Them Before?

No.

But I've Seen
"From Here To Eternity."

The Female...

Thrusts Her Body...

Down Into
The Moist Sand

To Lay Her Eggs,

While The Male

Just Stands There...

Waiting...

Ready...To Discharge
His Duty.

Boy, This Water
Sure Is Hot.

Private Detective, Huh?

Must Be Pretty
Interesting Work.

It Has Its Rewards.

We Get A Lot Of
Personal Gratification Knowing

We Brought The Vice President
Back In One Piece.

The Vice President,

I Didn't Know
He Was Missing.

I Must Be Doing My Job.

Excuse Me
For Interrupting.

You're Dripping
On The Carpet, Sheik.

Here. Let Me Get You
Another Towel.

Mr. Addison, I Am Totally
Unprepared For This.

I Hope You Learned
Your Lesson.

If You're Going To Jump
Out Of An Airplane,

Always Bring
A Parachute.

Fortunately,
I Happen To Have

A Couple Extra Parachutes
In My Wallet.

That's Very
Thoughtful Of You, Sir,

But That's Not
The Problem.

I Can't Stop Thinking
About Agnes.

She's A Terrific
Woman, Sir.

Warm...

Loving.

Ok, So Maybe Things
Haven't Been So Great

Between Us Lately.

Maybe She Has
Every Reason In The World

To Want To Eat
Cocktail Franks

With Macgilicuddy.

But A--A Normal, Rational,
Mature Individual

Would Want
To Work It Out,

To Hash It Over,
To, Uh...

Resolve Our Differences

Instead Of Going Off
Half-Cocked On Some...

Grunion Run.

It's Not That Genevieve
Isn't Delightful.

But This Isn't Right.

Not Here.

Not This Way.

Not Now.

Now, I Know That, Uh,
That Sounds Old-Fashioned,

And It Might

Stand In The Way
Of My Career...

But It's How I Feel.

I Agree With You
100%, Bert.

Let's Say Good Night
To Our Hostess

And Blow This Joint.

What A Relief.
I Didn't Know

How I Was Ever Going
To Be Able To Face Myself

In The Mirror Again.

I'll Catch Up
With You Later.

How Are You
Going To Get Home?

Don't Worry About Me.

How Are You Doing?

Ok.

Ok.

It's Amazing What You
Can Talk Yourself Out Of.

I Kept Telling Myself
It Was...

Stress,

Or The Travel

Or Fatigue.

I Heard Him Kill The Engine,

But I Didn't Hear
The Car Door Open.

Maybe They're Talking
Or Something.

[Car Door Opens]

Oh, There's The Car Door.

Where Are You Going?

The Bathroom.

Alex...

Alex What? I'm Going
To The Bathroom.

For Goodness Sake,
Ginny.

It's 2:00 In
The Morning.

Will You Roll Over
And Go To Sleep?

I Didn't Hear You
Come In.

Hi, Daddy.

Well, How Was
Your Evening?

Fine. I'm Sorry

I Ducked Out
Of The Party.

It Was A Really
Nice Party.

Are You Gonna Throw This
Guy Back In The Water?

Well, Actually, I
Think I'll Be Seeing

Quite A Lot Of Him.

Really?
Really.

Ah. Well, Like I Said,

I Didn't Hear You
Come In.

I'd Better Get
Back To Bed.

Good Night.
Good Night.

it's Dirty Dave,
The Big Blue Moon Bopper.

you've Reached The Machine
Of Agnes Dipesto.

please Wait For The Beep,

and State
Your Manifesto.

[Beep]

Hello, Agnes.
It's Me--Maddie.

Just Calling To Say Hi.

Hi.

Not Much Happening
This End.

Actually...

I Do Have Some News.

I Just Found Out...

I'm Pregnant.

I Had To Tell Somebody.

I Just Wasn't Sure Who
That Someone Should Be.

Then I Thought Of You.

Makes Sense, Right?

I Mean, That's The Way
Nature's Supposed To Work.

Besides, My Biological Clock
Is Ticking.

Agnes, You're The Only
Person I've Told,

And You Have To Promise
Not To Tell Anyone,

Not Even Mr. Addison.

Especially Not Mr. Addison.

Well, I Guess That's
All My News.

So I Guess I'll Say...

[Beep]

[Dial Tone]

Good-Bye.

I Miss You.

You Leaving?

Got To Go.

You Know,
I Was Thinking Maybe--

Or Maybe Not.

Whatever.

Bye.

Say, Sir...

Sir, Uh...

Mr., Uh...

Mr...

Mr. President.

Could You Spare
Some Change?

Stay Warm, Chief.

Captioning Made Possible By
Lions Gate Home Entertainment

Captioned By The National
Captioning Institute

--TC6 WAS HERE--

♪ So Come Walk The Night ♪

♪ Come Fly By Day ♪

♪ Something Is Sweeter ♪

♪ 'cause We Met
Along The Way ♪

♪ There Is The Sun ♪

♪ And Moon ♪

♪ They Sing ♪

♪ Their Own Sweet Tune ♪

♪ Watch Them When Dawn Is New ♪

♪ Sharing One Space ♪

♪ We'll Walk By Night ♪

♪ We'll Fly By Day ♪

♪ Moonlighting Strangers ♪

♪ Who Just Met On The Way ♪