Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 4, Episode 1 - A Trip to the Moon - full transcript
David and Maddie have been together for four weeks and Maddie is wondering where their relationship is going. She thinks all they do is sleep together. David expresses his love for her but she doesn't know what she wants.
The Bluemooners.
With the stars, Maddie Hayes...
...David Addison...
...Agnes DiPesto...
...and Richard Addison.
-You all right in there?
-Alice, are you okay?
Oh, some day, Alice, some day.
-Hey, Ralph.
-Alice?
Gosh, Ed, what should we do?
I don't know. Maybe we can take
a couple of those kitchen chairs...
...put them next to the door
and hear better.
You want me to stop yelling, Alice?
I'll stop yelling.
I'll stop yelling.
I'm not the one yelling.
On my yard Alice! Do you hear me?
Do you hear me Alice?
Of course I hear you, Ralph,
all five boroughs hear you.
Hi, Ed. Hi, Trixie.
Trixie! What are you doing here?
Don't you know we are having a fight?
-Can't you see we're having a fight?
-Don't mind us.
No, he didn't wake us up. We were
out for our evening constitutional.
Well, you woke me up.
-Why are you kids fighting?
-You wanna know why we're fighting?
You wanna know why we're fighting?
I'll tell you why we're fighting.
I will tell you why we are fighting.
-I don't know why we're fighting.
-You know why we're fighting, Ralph.
We're fighting because
I asked you a question.
Is that such a crime, Ralph,
me asking you a question?
"Is it such a crime, Ralph,
asking a question?"
Tell her what the question was
All right, I Will.
I told him I wanted to know
where our relationship was going.
That's it! You see that?
You see that?
She wants to know where
the relationship is going.
She has the unmitigated gall to ask
me where the relationship is going.
You want to know where it's going?
You want to know where
the relationship is going.
I'll tell you where it's going.
it's going to the moon.
I slept good last night.
How about you?
Okay. I had this weird dream.
Oh, yeah? What was it about?
-I don't know. it's no big deal.
-Listen, I was thinking...
...maybe I should bring a couple
of my things over here.
You know, just to have.
Not that I mind shaving
with a pink razor, mind you.
What do you think about that?
Funny you should mention that.
I was just thinking maybe
we should knock this whole thing off.
Something tells me
you didn't sleep as well as I did.
I just don't see where
this is going, David...
...where our relationship is going.
Tell me where it's going, David.
What do you mean,
where is our relationship going?
I don't know where.
it's going somewhere.
-I know we got one.
-Well, I don't.
You wanna know where it's going,
that's what the problem is?
Okay, I will tell you where
the relationship is going.
-it's going to be--
-To the moon.
-What?
-I'm sorry.
You were just gonna tell me just
where our relationship is going
Well no, I don't know...
I mean...
I was gonna guess.
I mean--
I mean, I was gonna suggest.
Like this morning, just now.
I said, what about if I bring
a couple things over here?
Now, that's the relationship
going somewhere.
But it is. Look--
For the last three,
three and a half weeks...
...we have had this relationship
that is built around the bedroom.
What if I bring a couple things
over here?
A couple towels, a razor, toothbrush.
Then we got the relationship
moving into the bathroom.
A couple weeks from now
I'll bring a six pack...
...stick it in the fridge, bingo,
now we're downstairs.
Got the relationship moving
into the kitchen.
That's how it works, it takes time.
Soon every room in this house
will be filled with this relationship.
And then you're gonna
have to get a bigger house.
We don't have a relationship.
-Sure, we do.
-No. No, we don't.
We have something else.
it's not a relationship.
It's more like
some sordid foreign movie.
That. That's it. That's all we ever do.
That's the whole thing.
Every day, I wake up,
swear to myself...
...that what happened
won't happen again.
We drive separate cars to work.
We act aloof from each other all day.
We say goodnight at 5:30
...I don't know how it happens,
but we end up together.
Your place, my place, the car.
The walls are different...
...but nothing else is.
This isn't a relationship...
...it's a bad habit.
There's your taxi.
You better hurry up.
Wait a second. That's it?
End of conversation?
-You're just walking out?
-I'm not. This is my house.
I don't mean that.
I mean, we have a relationship.
No, we don't.
A relationship starts small and builds.
Grows. Goes somewhere.
You meet someone. Go out on dates.
You discover you have something
in common.
We've never been on a date.
All we do is thrash at each other.
We're talking primo thrashing.
John Deere doesn't a build machine
that thrashes as good we do.
-Excuse me.
-Okay. All right, look.
I'll admit it. Maybe we have been
doing things out of order here.
We, us, Maddie,
but that's not strange.
Haven't you ever skipped
to the last chapter?
Fast-forwarded past
boring parts of a tape.
Skipped the entree and gone
right to the dessert?
-Just tell me what to do and I will do it.
-I don't know what to do.
I just know I don't
wanna keep doing this.
Blue Moon Detective Agency.
We've been here three years
taking care of your woes.
Finding lost persons
telling unfaithful bows
And I have a birthday
I' m offering a deal
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we buy you a meal
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just a little gift from us.
When there's murder in your life
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You must be 18 or over
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Clients found guilty of the murders
we investigate are also excluded.
Void where prohibited bylaw.
Please hold.
Good morning, Miss Hayes.
If you say so.
Come in.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Three years ago today...
...City of Angels Investigations
became Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Oh, goodie.
Miss Hayes, are you all right?
I'm fine.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Miss Hayes?
-Miss DiPesto.
I know you're worried about me,
but there's nothing to worry about.
I'm just having a small
nervous breakdown, that's all.
And if it's all right with you,
I'd like to do it in private.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Mr. Addi--
Is she in there?
VVhere's her head?
Under some upholstery.
She's acting very strange.
How can you tell?
Is there something going on
between the two of you?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
-Wish me luck.
-Mr. Addison?
Relax! Going to announce myself.
Hi kids!
These need a little sun.
Those for me?
Hi.
Yeah, I saw them and
they made me think of you.
Thanks.
They're plastic.
Yeah, well, I asked the guy
for low-maintenance flowers.
I understand how busy you are
and what you have on your mind.
Anything else?
That's all I brought you.
No, I mean do you have
anything else to say, or is that it?
No.
Just that you look sad.
You look so sad.
I mean, you look great.
-Just really look sad.
-What can I say? I am sad.
Right.
I don't understand, because I'm
happier than I've ever been in my life.
-Well, I'm happy you're happy.
-I'm sad you're sad.
-Well.
-Well.
Not that all this isn't fair...
Look!
I have to say this to you.
You were right.
There are a lot of things
that are wrong with--
This thing that we're in,
this "relationship".
We don't have a relationship, David,
that's the point.
It's very screwed up, all right?
But it's not all my fault.
A lot of it is my fault,
but it is not all my--
Fault is not the issue here.
Fault is not what this is about.
This is about whether a thing is right...
...between two people,
whether it works, David.
This thing, us, does not work.
-How would you know?
-How would I know?
How would you know?
You weren't there.
-You never gave yourself to this thing.
-Never gave myself to this thing?
Who was lying beside you,
on top of you, underneath you?
-So what?
-So what?!
I've got news for you, pal.
Unlike most of those wishbones...
...you call women that you've known
for most of your life, I don't do that.
Didn't give myself to this thing?
If I gave any more of myself to this...
...I'd be inside out. And what
do you mean, "how do I know?"
How do I know?
I know because I was there, David.
I saw the iceberg hit the Titanic.
I saw the Hindenburg burst
into flames.
|t's a disaster. We're a disaster.
No, no, no. You're a disaster.
I'm euphoric.
-Stop it.
-I'm delirious.
-Stop yelling.
-I'm very happy.
Well, I feel empty inside!
I do.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Well...
...I do.
-Let's start over.
-What?
Start over. Go on a date. Talk.
Things you were saying this morning.
The thought of sleeping alone
destroys you, doesn't it?
I don't believe it!
It's not about sleeping with you
I don't want to sleep with you.
OK, I like sleeping with you,
alright?
But if I don't do it, that's okay too.
We're not talking about that.
We're talking about you...
...allowing yourself to be happy
and letting someone know.
You won't let yourself be happy.
You won't commit.
We sleep together in secret.
We show up to work in different cars.
We got more pacts than
the Geneva Convention.
-You're avoiding the issue.
-How come nobody knows about us?
We 've been doing what we 've doing for 4 weeks
and nobody knows about it.
-Who would you like to know?
-I know that office is gossip central.
News flies faster there than on CNN,
and nobody, not even Di Pesto, knows.
-Why should she know?
-Why shouldn't she?
-VVhat's your point?
-I think you're ashamed.
-Or you're embarrassed.
-You want me to go into the office...
...and announce
that we're sleeping together?
-You're nuts.
-I'm happy. I want someone to know.
And I want you to want
someone to know.
-I've had enough of this conversation.
-Fine, I'll just go tell them myself then.
-No, you're not.
-Yes, I am.
-No, you're not.
-Oh, yes, I--
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Hey.
Excuse me, everyone,
I have to be...
-...going now.
-Block that door.
Don't you dare.
Don't worry,
her bark's worse than her bite.
I 've a little anouncement to make!
A little piece of news.
-Don't do it, David.
-See that lady there?
David.
I think...
...that I have fallen madly...
...and completely head-over-heels
in love with her.
Yeah.
So.
Given that, what do you think?
Maybe me and you
can go out on a date?
Just a regular pick you up at 7:30,
home by 11 :30...
A little food, maybe a movie
I mean ....
You think, maybe?
Yeah. I think maybe, yeah.
Well, I guess I better go now.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I putting myself through this?
I ought to have my head examined.
Well, if you insist.
That's a rather hostile greeting,
wouldn't you say?
-Who are you?
-Me?
Why, I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers,
of course.
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
What are you doing here?
Oh, come now, Maddie.
I'm not really here.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
I exist, or rather my image exists,
because of your own...
...repressed need to discuss
your fears and anxieties.
Well, let's discuss them.
Earlier I heard you ask,
"Why am I doing this?
Why am I putting
myself through this?"
Why do you think you're
doing this, Maddie?
I don't know. If I knew,
I wouldn't ask the question.
Well, do you like David?
Do you like spending time with him?
I don't know.
Let's backtrack. Let's assume
you have a relationship...
...the two of you. Want a relationship.
Let's examine what
a relationship means.
Is this the man you want to be with?
-I don't know
-Is this the man you can imagine...
-...spending the rest of your life with?
-I don't know.
Is this the man that you can
have children with?
Have a home with?
A man who can live with. Love with.
Perhaps even die with.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I sense your discomfort
and your frustration.
Let me take another tack.
What are the two of you like in bed?
Is that a satisfying part
of your relationship?
Are you taking pleasure in it?
Are your needs being fulfilled?
Well, actually,
that's the one thing that is great.
Yeah, I mean, sure, I'm satisfied.
I take pleasure.
And my needs, or those needs,
are always fulfilled.
Well, then, I don't get it, girl,
what's the problem?
This is it, David. D-day.
No R&B.
No bodily noises.
No lewd remarks.
You're going to charm
the pantyhose off her.
Stepping out with
the new and improved...
...little more reserved
David Addison.
Loafers.
What you say?
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back no more
Now, Dave, listen, Dave
Can't believe what you say
You're gonna live
To regret it some day
Don 't care if he does
Because he understand
If he ain't got what it takes
Then he just ain't a man
Well, I guess if you say so
You ought to pack your things
And blow
Thatis right
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back no more
Don 't you come back no more
Don 't you come back no more
Don 't you come back no more
Hey, Addison, what's all this
trash you talking?
Ray Charles? In my living room?
Why, is that where I am?
What are you doing here, man?
-Talking to some fool.
-Some fool.
-Me, a fool?
-Yeah, you fool.
I can't believe what
a brother is saying.
"Don't make her" this.
"Don't make her" that.
And "l can be her kind of man."
I mean, I'm ashamed of you, son.
-Ashamed of me, Ray?
-Ashamed.
Ashamed for you...
...and for all of us who don't have
to put the toilet seat down.
Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just trying to make
a good impression.
Good impression, hell.
David, oh are you happy David???
The poor boy's done lost his head
Lost his head
Just to get that girl, I believe
He 'd turn over and play dead
And play dead
Hold! Hold! Hold! Hold it!
I play what?
Play dead?
Look, Ray, I'm a big fan and all
but I ain't gotta listen to this, man.
You know what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
And I ain't playing nothing.
-And I'm in control.
-Control? Excuse me.
I'm the kind of guy that knows
what he wants...
...and knows what
he's gotta do to get it.
-Oh, yeah, what's that?
-The right thing for once.
I'm gonna do what I want for me.
-For us.
-For us?
-Hey, girls, I think he's got that sound.
-Wait, hold it, hold it. What sound?
Sound like the man has already
given the girl his car keys...
-Car keys.
-...his checkbook...
...his remote control.
Sounds like, just to make
a little whoopee...
-Whoopee.
-...he's willing to be married alive.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Wait a second!
VVho's talking about marriage?
You hear me talking about marriage?
-Forget marriage, man.
-Marriage is not all that bad.
As a matter of fact,
that's not even the bad part.
-What is?
-The trade.
-The trade?
-The trade.
You know,
whatever you're willing to give up.
Once you fix a tomcat,
you can't unfix him.
You're way off, Ray,
you're not even close.
Look, just because a man's willing
to shave a little style off his program...
...don't mean anything else
is cut off.
-Oh, my, did you hear that?
-I don't know about that.
It don't sound like the
Dave Addison I know, does it, girls?
-No.
-No.
The Dave Addison I know
would tell her:
"Hey, you gonna get down with me
nice and dirty...
-...or you don't get down at all."
-Yeah. That's right.
The David Addison I know
Would say
"Hey, if it ain't good to you today, just
wait until tomorrow." Ain't that right?
The David Addison I know
Would say
Come on and treat me wrong
Come and love me all night long
Tell me what'd I say, baby
Yeah, baby
An right
I know you, baby
Just won't do
Come on, do it right, girl
Said you're doing it right
But it's all right
Say it's all right
An right
Any way you do
It's all right, baby
Say it's all right
I don't know
why I'm so damn nervous.
Are you nervous?
Yeah, I'm nervous.
-You're nervous?
-Yes, I'm nervous.
I kind of like that, you nervous.
-You're not nervous?
-Nervous? No, I'm something else.
-What?
-What what?
What "what" are you?
You don't want to know
what "what" I am.
-I told you I was nervous, didn't I?
-And I told you I wasn't.
Yeah, but you didn't say
what you are.
So what are you?
No, it would only
make you more nervous.
It ain't gonna make me
any more nervous than that.
-Okay, you want to know what I am?
-Yes, I want to know what you are.
I'm ambivalent.
-Ambivalent?
-Ambivalent.
Okay? There you go.
I feel very ambivalent about this.
I'm filled with ambivalence.
I'm not saying this to hurt you,
but I just am. I am ambivalent.
Feel better?
-You do know what--
-I know what "ambivalence" means.
-And?
-And?
And knowing I feel this way, how does
that make you feel about this date?
I feel fine about this date.
I feel kind of ambivalent
about your ambivalence.
-Ambivalent?
-Kind of.
Kind of?
What do you mean kind of?
-I don't want to do this.
-Excuse me?
-I don't want to do this.
-Wait a minute, do what?
Wiki
"l don't want to do this"'?
Is "this" this date?
"This" means this conversation.
I don't wanna have this conversation.
Why not? This is ... conversation to have
There's no reason to
be ambivalent about it.
-Well, I am.
-Why?
-Because.
-Because why?
-Because I know how it's gonna go.
-You do?
I do. You're gonna say something,
then I'm gonna say something...
...then you're gonna get mad.
I promised I wouldn't get you mad.
-I'm not gonna get mad.
-That's how these conversations work.
They're a test and I always fail.
I don't want to fail but I do.
-I say something, then you get mad.
-I'm not gonna get mad.
It's always a test with you.
You're waiting for me to screw up.
I'm not stepping into it. I'm not. I won't.
This date means too much to me...
...and we both know that this date is
a test, it's a trap, it's a setup.
You're sitting over there waiting
for me to screw up, aren't you?
Wait a minute, where are you going?
What about our date?
Life's a bitch.
Maddie.
Can't help thinking that somehow that
didn't come out the way I meant it.
Yo, Maddie.
Maddie, what about our date?
Go away.
Go away?
Go away? You don't really want me to go away!
Do you?
it's gonna make it
awful hard to hold hands.
It's gonna make it
very tough to neck.
It's gonna make it impossible
for me to give you a hickey.
You don't really want me to
go away, do you?
Yes, I do.
I want you to go away.
Well, I don't mind telling you...
...that me and my dating-game
chaperone are a little miffed.
Put out. Cut to the quick.
Come on, Maddie,
this is the cute stuff.
Maddie, come on.
I know you're in there.
Come on out.
Okay, fine.
You don't wanna come out? It's fine.
...cos I'm not gonna stand here
all night begging you to come out.
No sirree, Bob.
I mean, sure, I wanted to give
this date thing a try.
Wanted to see if we could
work it out.
But if you're not gonna
even come out here...
...I'm not gonna stand out here
begging all night.
So I'm going.
Goodbye, Maddie.
This is it. I'm leaving.
Goodbye.
Hey what the...?
Hey pal what do you get...?
Get out of there. What are you doing
hiding in those bushes?
Oh, my God, is that a knife?
It is a knife.
It's a big knife.
No way, man.
No way you're gonna get in this house
and Ginsu that woman.
Not over my dead body.
What the--?
Yeah, well, here, take that.
And that! And here's some for your head!
Oh, God.
Wow! Maddy stay in the house!
Okay, not my eye.
I guess you never messed
with a detective before, huh?
Maddie, don't open the door.
Just stay in the house.
Just stay in the house.
We got a dangerous criminal out here.
I got him immobilized right now,
but he's--
He still could be dangerous.
Just stay in the house, call the police.
I'll just stay out here with this guy.
Hey, wait a minute.
VVhat's that?
Oh, my God, he's bleeding
from the back of the head.
Hang on, she's coming right out.
Maddie...
...come on, looking like a
Sam Peckinpah movie out here.
Maddie, come on--
Hang on there pal! She's not gonna let a man die
Maddie, will you come on?
Maddie, the man is-- Last rites?
I don't know how to give last rites.
Besides, you don't need last rites.
She'll come through that door
any minute now...
...with Ace bandages and Bactine.
Maddie, come on, come on,
we're losing him.
But I'm not a priest!
All right, all right, here I go.
Now l lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord, my soul to kee--
Oh, no.
Oh, no, Maddie.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Maddie, he's dying.
He's dying, Maddie.
Come on out and take a look,
and let me know if he's dying.
Maddie, you coming?
Look, forget about that. You
don't wanna see a dead body anyway.
Look, just...
...come on down here,
cover your eyes...
...and step over the body,
and show me where the hose is...
...so I can rinse this
blood and brains off here.
Maddie?
Okay. Fine.
You're not coming out? Fine.
Great. That's just great.
You got a dead man
out here on your porch...
...and you will not even come out
and take a look at him.
How am I gonna tell you honey?
That's cold.
That is very, very cold.
Not as cold as this guy here,
but that is cold.
All right.
I guess I'll just have to
take care of it myself.
I'll just drag this guy
down to the curb...
...and leave him there for
the garbage man, how's that?
That make you happy?
Forget it. Forget you,
forget me, forget this.
So where's this guy?
Yeah, that was just
a superficial flesh wound.
He's down the street
robbing some other house.
So if we went on this date,
where would we go?
Where?
Anywhere.
Where would you like to go?
I don't know.
I 'm not even sure I want to go.
Movie? Want to go to the movies?
It's after 9:00, everything's started.
Dinner? Go get some din-din.
It's a weeknight and it's late
and we don't have a reservation.
Bowling alley, pool hall,
a bar, anywhere.
-Something's bound to be--
-No bars. Lord, no bars.
-Just come with me. No bars.
-No bars. Not with you. No bars.
No bars. Of course not.
Hate them. No bars.
I'll get my bag.
Get your bag.
I'll wait here.
Guard the door.
In case that guy comes back.
See? I told you we'd find something.
Come on.
-Pretty neat, huh?
-No doubt about it.
-Definitely worth the wait.
-What are you talking about?
This place is a Shangri-Ia.
Look at that sign, open 24 hours.
Got some gourmet food here...
...refreshing soft drinks. Pay phone
in case you wanna make a call.
All the heat you need, and in case
we do anything that makes us dirty...
...we can tidy up right here.
This is better than a Hilton.
-You spoil me.
-You don't like it.
Don't be ridiculous.
All my life I've been wanting
to come here.
And to think, we have
the whole place to ourselves.
I'm sorry.
I know how important this is to you
and I'm not helping much, am I?
Don't shrug.
There's nothing to shrug about.
For once, you really tried to be nice.
...and I'm being
what you would call a "bitch."
Surprise, surprise, what can I say?
I'm not a very nice person.
I mean, I have my moments, but ....
Now's when you're
supposed to jump in and say...
...that I'm really not a bitch...
and I'm one of the nicest people you 've ever met
I can't. You're not.
Brutal honesty and a lack of tact.
I like that in my failed relationships.
Now, you see, that's funny.
That's sharp.
Do you ever get that funny
or that sharp with anyone else?
-No, I don't think so.
-You're right. We should stay together.
We have to stay together.
I mean, think of the banter.
You're kidding and I'm serious.
Don't you get it?
I don't get any better
than when I'm with you...
...and you don't get any better
than when you're with me.
If this is as good as life gets--
I'm not saying this is as good
as life gets, what I'm saying is ....
I dont know what I 'm saying.
I 'm saying that...
...you know my garbage,
good and bad...
...and I know yours.
I knew it the minute I met you.
And I knew you read me
the minute you met me.
-That I did.
-Well, that's the point.
Nobody reads me.
Nobody gets to me.
And you ....
You're about as cool as they come.
But you can't deny it, Maddie...
...you got a bad case of me,
and I got a bad case of you...
and I never had a bad case of anyone...
What makes you think
I have a case of you?
Because you're here
in a Laundromat...
...at 2:00 in the morning.
VVho's kidding who?
If you weren't interested
in what I had to say...
...you'd be out that door, climbing in
your car, and cruising home.
Excuse me!
Where are you going?
I'm walking out the door, climbing in
my car, and cruising home.
You were right the first time.
You are a bitch.
Right, and what are you?
At least I'm honest.
At least I can look you in the eye
and say, "Fine this is great.
This is wonderful."
But this is too much work for me.
This is too hard.
Every moment, every second, every
word, every breath is like some test.
If this is love, it's too hard.
If this is love, I'll live without it.
-Then that's it.
-That's it. I'm numb, David. I'm raw.
You love this kind of friction.
I can't live with this.
Yeah, fine, I love you.
So one more big surprise.
But it hurts too much...
...it tears too much. I just can't do this.
I'm just not up to this.
-You underestimate yourself.
-No, I don't. I know myself.
I know my limits. I'm dead on, David,
and this-- You are beyond my limits.
This relationship. This thing we have.
Whatever you wanna call it...
...it only has two temperatures,
white hot or icy cold.
I can't function that way.
I need some middle.
And the few there is no middle.
I know what it's like to be in a
Laundromat with you at 2 a.m.
I know what it's like to be
in bed with you for 14 hours.
What I don't know is what's it's like
to go into a coffee shop at noon...
...and order cheeseburgers, or what it's
like to go to a store together and buy...
-...I don't know, something.
-You want cheeseburgers...
...I'll take you out and get burgers.
You want to go buy something--
-I understand.
-No, you don't.
This is me telling you it's over.
It's over David. Period.
I'll sell the agency,
you'll find a new job.
It's important for my mental health
that we get out of each other's lives.
Say something.
Please?
I hate Muzak.
Don't go!
I have to go!
Dance with me.
You 've used all that line with me before David,
it's not gonna work.
It always works. Has to work.
Okay, so it doesn't work.
So, what, this is the end?
This is goodbye?
Not even a goodbye dance?
Got music.
Got mood.
Come on.
It's the end of the summer,
our last night together...
...told each other
how much we love each other...
...but we decided to go
to different colleges anyway.
We gotta dance.
-I hate you, David.
-Yeah?
Already played that scene too.
If you could do anything,
what would you do?
-End it.
-Second choice.
I don't know.
Go to some European country.
Run and hide. Hide under a bed.
Think. I want to be sure.
I'm not sure of anything.
Not even about ending it.
Well, then, let's not end it.
I love you, Maddie.
-I love you, David.
-Well, then, let's keep trying.
I can't dance to this.
Want a ride home?
You wanna be alone, don't you?
No, I'll just take a cab.
I'm sorry,
I know you want an answer.
I can't give you one.
I need to think. I'm a thinker, David.
Okay.
-I don't know what's gonna happen!
-OK
You're not gonna dance here
with anyone else, are you?
Better not.
That's it. You see that?
You see that?
She wants to know where
the relationship is going.
She, has made a go, to ask me...
...where the relationship is going...
You want to know
where the relationship is going?
I'll tell you where it's going.
it's going to the moon!
Fine, Ralph,
you wanna be angry, be angry.
But I'm not gonna stay
and be angry.
Trixie, mind if I stay
at your place tonight?
-Fine Alice.
-Wait a second, wait a second...
...you think I'm just gonna let you
waltz out of here like that?
You walk out of that door
over my dead body.
Fine, Ralph. You're right.
I can't walk out of here
over your dead body.
I'd have to fly out.
Lady. Lady, we're here.
You want me to get your bags?
Yes, please.
-Can I help you?
-I'd like to go to a foreign country...
...hide under a bed.
It's OK.
I never carry a passport with me.
Do you have
a schedule for domestic flights?
You walk out of that door
over my dead body.
Fine, Ralph. You're right.
I can't walk out of here
over your dead body.
I'd have to fly out.
Oh, just once.
Just once...right in the kisser.
You got a real problem here,
Ralphie boy.
You said it, pal of mine.
"Where is the relationship going?"
What kind of question is that?
Anybody takes one look around,
you can see where it's going.
Yeah, the Museum of Natural History.
I got a great place here, Norton.
I got a great job.
I'm in the fast track.
Anybody can see that.
I can see that.
Maybe that's not what she means.
What do you mean,
"maybe that's not what she means"'?
-What do you think she means?
-I don't know.
Maybe all this material wealth
you got here ain't the issue.
-Oh, no?
-No.
Maybe Alice is talking about
something that's a little more spiritual.
-Spiritual?
-Yeah.
You know, we got a saying
in the sewers, Ralphie:
"Still waters don't
necessarily run deep."
Will you stop with that?
You gotta help me here, Norton.
She wants to know where it's going.
I don't know where.
-I don't know what to tell her.
-Sure, you do.
-Just tell her the truth.
-Tell her the truth.
How am I gonna do that?
I never spend time
thinking about where it's going.
Let me show you
-You be you. I'll be Alice.
-What do you mean?
Just what I said.
You're Ralph. I'm Alice.
Will you come on?
You space cadet.
Okay, okay. You're Alice, I'm me.
Alice...
...this is where
I think the relationship's going.
I think it's going forward.
I like to think of this relationship
like it's a big city bus.
A big, big city bus
and I'm the driver, see?
I kind of sit up there,
right in front, kind of steer things.
-You're sitting up front?
-Up front.
-And where do I sit?
-Anywhere you want.
-Anywhere I want?
-That's right.
Of course, with you sitting up front...
And they dont leave room for anyone else to see.
That's what Alice would say, Ralph.
-You know what it means, Norton.
-Oh, come on, don't get mad.
-You know what it means.
-I'm trying to help--
-Get out!
-All right, all right, all right.
But Alice don't want to hear
about the relationship being a bus.
Well, then ....
I don't know what to tell her, Norton.
I'm crazy about her.
I'm nuts about her.
Can't she see that?
I mean, there I am, all day long...
...driving that bus
up and down Madison Avenue.
Women getting on, women getting off,
and all I can think of is her.
Sometimes,
down at the bus station...
...a couple boys start running
down their wives.
You know what i say to myself.
I say Crandon...
...you're a lucky man.
When the chips are down,
Alice is there.
When the times are good,
Alice is there."
You may not believe this, Norton...
...but sometimes, I 'm not a real bargain to live with.
Yes I know...
It's hard to believe,
but it's true
I don't know what I'd do without her.
Why don't you tell her
what you just said?
-What do you mean?
-Yeah, what you just said there.
-That was beautiful.
-What I just said here?
Yeah.
You're right, pal of mine,
that is what she wants to hear.
Get her down here.
Trixie? Trixie, send Alice
down here a minute, will you?
And have her bring
some extra Kleenexes here.
Right, pal, forget about
all that bus stuff...
...just tell her
what she wants to hear.
I can't send her down, Ed.
What do you mean, you can't?
What do you mean, you can't?
I order her to come down here.
I want to tell her I love her.
Trixie, tell Alice that's an order.
Well, order or not,
she isn't coming down. She left.
-Left?
-Left? What do you mean left?
-Where did she leave to?
-She called a taxi for the airport.
Said she needed to get away
and think things over...
...figure out where
the relationship was going.
With the stars, Maddie Hayes...
...David Addison...
...Agnes DiPesto...
...and Richard Addison.
-You all right in there?
-Alice, are you okay?
Oh, some day, Alice, some day.
-Hey, Ralph.
-Alice?
Gosh, Ed, what should we do?
I don't know. Maybe we can take
a couple of those kitchen chairs...
...put them next to the door
and hear better.
You want me to stop yelling, Alice?
I'll stop yelling.
I'll stop yelling.
I'm not the one yelling.
On my yard Alice! Do you hear me?
Do you hear me Alice?
Of course I hear you, Ralph,
all five boroughs hear you.
Hi, Ed. Hi, Trixie.
Trixie! What are you doing here?
Don't you know we are having a fight?
-Can't you see we're having a fight?
-Don't mind us.
No, he didn't wake us up. We were
out for our evening constitutional.
Well, you woke me up.
-Why are you kids fighting?
-You wanna know why we're fighting?
You wanna know why we're fighting?
I'll tell you why we're fighting.
I will tell you why we are fighting.
-I don't know why we're fighting.
-You know why we're fighting, Ralph.
We're fighting because
I asked you a question.
Is that such a crime, Ralph,
me asking you a question?
"Is it such a crime, Ralph,
asking a question?"
Tell her what the question was
All right, I Will.
I told him I wanted to know
where our relationship was going.
That's it! You see that?
You see that?
She wants to know where
the relationship is going.
She has the unmitigated gall to ask
me where the relationship is going.
You want to know where it's going?
You want to know where
the relationship is going.
I'll tell you where it's going.
it's going to the moon.
I slept good last night.
How about you?
Okay. I had this weird dream.
Oh, yeah? What was it about?
-I don't know. it's no big deal.
-Listen, I was thinking...
...maybe I should bring a couple
of my things over here.
You know, just to have.
Not that I mind shaving
with a pink razor, mind you.
What do you think about that?
Funny you should mention that.
I was just thinking maybe
we should knock this whole thing off.
Something tells me
you didn't sleep as well as I did.
I just don't see where
this is going, David...
...where our relationship is going.
Tell me where it's going, David.
What do you mean,
where is our relationship going?
I don't know where.
it's going somewhere.
-I know we got one.
-Well, I don't.
You wanna know where it's going,
that's what the problem is?
Okay, I will tell you where
the relationship is going.
-it's going to be--
-To the moon.
-What?
-I'm sorry.
You were just gonna tell me just
where our relationship is going
Well no, I don't know...
I mean...
I was gonna guess.
I mean--
I mean, I was gonna suggest.
Like this morning, just now.
I said, what about if I bring
a couple things over here?
Now, that's the relationship
going somewhere.
But it is. Look--
For the last three,
three and a half weeks...
...we have had this relationship
that is built around the bedroom.
What if I bring a couple things
over here?
A couple towels, a razor, toothbrush.
Then we got the relationship
moving into the bathroom.
A couple weeks from now
I'll bring a six pack...
...stick it in the fridge, bingo,
now we're downstairs.
Got the relationship moving
into the kitchen.
That's how it works, it takes time.
Soon every room in this house
will be filled with this relationship.
And then you're gonna
have to get a bigger house.
We don't have a relationship.
-Sure, we do.
-No. No, we don't.
We have something else.
it's not a relationship.
It's more like
some sordid foreign movie.
That. That's it. That's all we ever do.
That's the whole thing.
Every day, I wake up,
swear to myself...
...that what happened
won't happen again.
We drive separate cars to work.
We act aloof from each other all day.
We say goodnight at 5:30
...I don't know how it happens,
but we end up together.
Your place, my place, the car.
The walls are different...
...but nothing else is.
This isn't a relationship...
...it's a bad habit.
There's your taxi.
You better hurry up.
Wait a second. That's it?
End of conversation?
-You're just walking out?
-I'm not. This is my house.
I don't mean that.
I mean, we have a relationship.
No, we don't.
A relationship starts small and builds.
Grows. Goes somewhere.
You meet someone. Go out on dates.
You discover you have something
in common.
We've never been on a date.
All we do is thrash at each other.
We're talking primo thrashing.
John Deere doesn't a build machine
that thrashes as good we do.
-Excuse me.
-Okay. All right, look.
I'll admit it. Maybe we have been
doing things out of order here.
We, us, Maddie,
but that's not strange.
Haven't you ever skipped
to the last chapter?
Fast-forwarded past
boring parts of a tape.
Skipped the entree and gone
right to the dessert?
-Just tell me what to do and I will do it.
-I don't know what to do.
I just know I don't
wanna keep doing this.
Blue Moon Detective Agency.
We've been here three years
taking care of your woes.
Finding lost persons
telling unfaithful bows
And I have a birthday
I' m offering a deal
and I solve your murder
we buy you a meal
A night on the town,
just a little gift from us.
When there's murder in your life
give us your business.
You must be 18 or over
to receive free gift.
Murder subject to verification.
Attempted murders, bogus suicides
and deaths by natural causes...
...are all exempted from
this promotion.
Clients found guilty of the murders
we investigate are also excluded.
Void where prohibited bylaw.
Please hold.
Good morning, Miss Hayes.
If you say so.
Come in.
Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
Three years ago today...
...City of Angels Investigations
became Blue Moon Detective Agency.
Oh, goodie.
Miss Hayes, are you all right?
I'm fine.
-Okay.
-Okay.
-Miss Hayes?
-Miss DiPesto.
I know you're worried about me,
but there's nothing to worry about.
I'm just having a small
nervous breakdown, that's all.
And if it's all right with you,
I'd like to do it in private.
-Okay.
-Okay.
Mr. Addi--
Is she in there?
VVhere's her head?
Under some upholstery.
She's acting very strange.
How can you tell?
Is there something going on
between the two of you?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
-Wish me luck.
-Mr. Addison?
Relax! Going to announce myself.
Hi kids!
These need a little sun.
Those for me?
Hi.
Yeah, I saw them and
they made me think of you.
Thanks.
They're plastic.
Yeah, well, I asked the guy
for low-maintenance flowers.
I understand how busy you are
and what you have on your mind.
Anything else?
That's all I brought you.
No, I mean do you have
anything else to say, or is that it?
No.
Just that you look sad.
You look so sad.
I mean, you look great.
-Just really look sad.
-What can I say? I am sad.
Right.
I don't understand, because I'm
happier than I've ever been in my life.
-Well, I'm happy you're happy.
-I'm sad you're sad.
-Well.
-Well.
Not that all this isn't fair...
Look!
I have to say this to you.
You were right.
There are a lot of things
that are wrong with--
This thing that we're in,
this "relationship".
We don't have a relationship, David,
that's the point.
It's very screwed up, all right?
But it's not all my fault.
A lot of it is my fault,
but it is not all my--
Fault is not the issue here.
Fault is not what this is about.
This is about whether a thing is right...
...between two people,
whether it works, David.
This thing, us, does not work.
-How would you know?
-How would I know?
How would you know?
You weren't there.
-You never gave yourself to this thing.
-Never gave myself to this thing?
Who was lying beside you,
on top of you, underneath you?
-So what?
-So what?!
I've got news for you, pal.
Unlike most of those wishbones...
...you call women that you've known
for most of your life, I don't do that.
Didn't give myself to this thing?
If I gave any more of myself to this...
...I'd be inside out. And what
do you mean, "how do I know?"
How do I know?
I know because I was there, David.
I saw the iceberg hit the Titanic.
I saw the Hindenburg burst
into flames.
|t's a disaster. We're a disaster.
No, no, no. You're a disaster.
I'm euphoric.
-Stop it.
-I'm delirious.
-Stop yelling.
-I'm very happy.
Well, I feel empty inside!
I do.
And I don't know what to do about it.
Well...
...I do.
-Let's start over.
-What?
Start over. Go on a date. Talk.
Things you were saying this morning.
The thought of sleeping alone
destroys you, doesn't it?
I don't believe it!
It's not about sleeping with you
I don't want to sleep with you.
OK, I like sleeping with you,
alright?
But if I don't do it, that's okay too.
We're not talking about that.
We're talking about you...
...allowing yourself to be happy
and letting someone know.
You won't let yourself be happy.
You won't commit.
We sleep together in secret.
We show up to work in different cars.
We got more pacts than
the Geneva Convention.
-You're avoiding the issue.
-How come nobody knows about us?
We 've been doing what we 've doing for 4 weeks
and nobody knows about it.
-Who would you like to know?
-I know that office is gossip central.
News flies faster there than on CNN,
and nobody, not even Di Pesto, knows.
-Why should she know?
-Why shouldn't she?
-VVhat's your point?
-I think you're ashamed.
-Or you're embarrassed.
-You want me to go into the office...
...and announce
that we're sleeping together?
-You're nuts.
-I'm happy. I want someone to know.
And I want you to want
someone to know.
-I've had enough of this conversation.
-Fine, I'll just go tell them myself then.
-No, you're not.
-Yes, I am.
-No, you're not.
-Oh, yes, I--
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Hey.
Excuse me, everyone,
I have to be...
-...going now.
-Block that door.
Don't you dare.
Don't worry,
her bark's worse than her bite.
I 've a little anouncement to make!
A little piece of news.
-Don't do it, David.
-See that lady there?
David.
I think...
...that I have fallen madly...
...and completely head-over-heels
in love with her.
Yeah.
So.
Given that, what do you think?
Maybe me and you
can go out on a date?
Just a regular pick you up at 7:30,
home by 11 :30...
A little food, maybe a movie
I mean ....
You think, maybe?
Yeah. I think maybe, yeah.
Well, I guess I better go now.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I putting myself through this?
I ought to have my head examined.
Well, if you insist.
That's a rather hostile greeting,
wouldn't you say?
-Who are you?
-Me?
Why, I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers,
of course.
Dr. Joyce Brothers.
What are you doing here?
Oh, come now, Maddie.
I'm not really here.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
I exist, or rather my image exists,
because of your own...
...repressed need to discuss
your fears and anxieties.
Well, let's discuss them.
Earlier I heard you ask,
"Why am I doing this?
Why am I putting
myself through this?"
Why do you think you're
doing this, Maddie?
I don't know. If I knew,
I wouldn't ask the question.
Well, do you like David?
Do you like spending time with him?
I don't know.
Let's backtrack. Let's assume
you have a relationship...
...the two of you. Want a relationship.
Let's examine what
a relationship means.
Is this the man you want to be with?
-I don't know
-Is this the man you can imagine...
-...spending the rest of your life with?
-I don't know.
Is this the man that you can
have children with?
Have a home with?
A man who can live with. Love with.
Perhaps even die with.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
I sense your discomfort
and your frustration.
Let me take another tack.
What are the two of you like in bed?
Is that a satisfying part
of your relationship?
Are you taking pleasure in it?
Are your needs being fulfilled?
Well, actually,
that's the one thing that is great.
Yeah, I mean, sure, I'm satisfied.
I take pleasure.
And my needs, or those needs,
are always fulfilled.
Well, then, I don't get it, girl,
what's the problem?
This is it, David. D-day.
No R&B.
No bodily noises.
No lewd remarks.
You're going to charm
the pantyhose off her.
Stepping out with
the new and improved...
...little more reserved
David Addison.
Loafers.
What you say?
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back no more
Now, Dave, listen, Dave
Can't believe what you say
You're gonna live
To regret it some day
Don 't care if he does
Because he understand
If he ain't got what it takes
Then he just ain't a man
Well, I guess if you say so
You ought to pack your things
And blow
Thatis right
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more
Hit the road, Dave
And don't you come back no more
Don 't you come back no more
Don 't you come back no more
Don 't you come back no more
Hey, Addison, what's all this
trash you talking?
Ray Charles? In my living room?
Why, is that where I am?
What are you doing here, man?
-Talking to some fool.
-Some fool.
-Me, a fool?
-Yeah, you fool.
I can't believe what
a brother is saying.
"Don't make her" this.
"Don't make her" that.
And "l can be her kind of man."
I mean, I'm ashamed of you, son.
-Ashamed of me, Ray?
-Ashamed.
Ashamed for you...
...and for all of us who don't have
to put the toilet seat down.
Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just trying to make
a good impression.
Good impression, hell.
David, oh are you happy David???
The poor boy's done lost his head
Lost his head
Just to get that girl, I believe
He 'd turn over and play dead
And play dead
Hold! Hold! Hold! Hold it!
I play what?
Play dead?
Look, Ray, I'm a big fan and all
but I ain't gotta listen to this, man.
You know what I'm talking about.
No, I don't.
And I ain't playing nothing.
-And I'm in control.
-Control? Excuse me.
I'm the kind of guy that knows
what he wants...
...and knows what
he's gotta do to get it.
-Oh, yeah, what's that?
-The right thing for once.
I'm gonna do what I want for me.
-For us.
-For us?
-Hey, girls, I think he's got that sound.
-Wait, hold it, hold it. What sound?
Sound like the man has already
given the girl his car keys...
-Car keys.
-...his checkbook...
...his remote control.
Sounds like, just to make
a little whoopee...
-Whoopee.
-...he's willing to be married alive.
Hey! Wait a minute!
Wait a second!
VVho's talking about marriage?
You hear me talking about marriage?
-Forget marriage, man.
-Marriage is not all that bad.
As a matter of fact,
that's not even the bad part.
-What is?
-The trade.
-The trade?
-The trade.
You know,
whatever you're willing to give up.
Once you fix a tomcat,
you can't unfix him.
You're way off, Ray,
you're not even close.
Look, just because a man's willing
to shave a little style off his program...
...don't mean anything else
is cut off.
-Oh, my, did you hear that?
-I don't know about that.
It don't sound like the
Dave Addison I know, does it, girls?
-No.
-No.
The Dave Addison I know
would tell her:
"Hey, you gonna get down with me
nice and dirty...
-...or you don't get down at all."
-Yeah. That's right.
The David Addison I know
Would say
"Hey, if it ain't good to you today, just
wait until tomorrow." Ain't that right?
The David Addison I know
Would say
Come on and treat me wrong
Come and love me all night long
Tell me what'd I say, baby
Yeah, baby
An right
I know you, baby
Just won't do
Come on, do it right, girl
Said you're doing it right
But it's all right
Say it's all right
An right
Any way you do
It's all right, baby
Say it's all right
I don't know
why I'm so damn nervous.
Are you nervous?
Yeah, I'm nervous.
-You're nervous?
-Yes, I'm nervous.
I kind of like that, you nervous.
-You're not nervous?
-Nervous? No, I'm something else.
-What?
-What what?
What "what" are you?
You don't want to know
what "what" I am.
-I told you I was nervous, didn't I?
-And I told you I wasn't.
Yeah, but you didn't say
what you are.
So what are you?
No, it would only
make you more nervous.
It ain't gonna make me
any more nervous than that.
-Okay, you want to know what I am?
-Yes, I want to know what you are.
I'm ambivalent.
-Ambivalent?
-Ambivalent.
Okay? There you go.
I feel very ambivalent about this.
I'm filled with ambivalence.
I'm not saying this to hurt you,
but I just am. I am ambivalent.
Feel better?
-You do know what--
-I know what "ambivalence" means.
-And?
-And?
And knowing I feel this way, how does
that make you feel about this date?
I feel fine about this date.
I feel kind of ambivalent
about your ambivalence.
-Ambivalent?
-Kind of.
Kind of?
What do you mean kind of?
-I don't want to do this.
-Excuse me?
-I don't want to do this.
-Wait a minute, do what?
Wiki
"l don't want to do this"'?
Is "this" this date?
"This" means this conversation.
I don't wanna have this conversation.
Why not? This is ... conversation to have
There's no reason to
be ambivalent about it.
-Well, I am.
-Why?
-Because.
-Because why?
-Because I know how it's gonna go.
-You do?
I do. You're gonna say something,
then I'm gonna say something...
...then you're gonna get mad.
I promised I wouldn't get you mad.
-I'm not gonna get mad.
-That's how these conversations work.
They're a test and I always fail.
I don't want to fail but I do.
-I say something, then you get mad.
-I'm not gonna get mad.
It's always a test with you.
You're waiting for me to screw up.
I'm not stepping into it. I'm not. I won't.
This date means too much to me...
...and we both know that this date is
a test, it's a trap, it's a setup.
You're sitting over there waiting
for me to screw up, aren't you?
Wait a minute, where are you going?
What about our date?
Life's a bitch.
Maddie.
Can't help thinking that somehow that
didn't come out the way I meant it.
Yo, Maddie.
Maddie, what about our date?
Go away.
Go away?
Go away? You don't really want me to go away!
Do you?
it's gonna make it
awful hard to hold hands.
It's gonna make it
very tough to neck.
It's gonna make it impossible
for me to give you a hickey.
You don't really want me to
go away, do you?
Yes, I do.
I want you to go away.
Well, I don't mind telling you...
...that me and my dating-game
chaperone are a little miffed.
Put out. Cut to the quick.
Come on, Maddie,
this is the cute stuff.
Maddie, come on.
I know you're in there.
Come on out.
Okay, fine.
You don't wanna come out? It's fine.
...cos I'm not gonna stand here
all night begging you to come out.
No sirree, Bob.
I mean, sure, I wanted to give
this date thing a try.
Wanted to see if we could
work it out.
But if you're not gonna
even come out here...
...I'm not gonna stand out here
begging all night.
So I'm going.
Goodbye, Maddie.
This is it. I'm leaving.
Goodbye.
Hey what the...?
Hey pal what do you get...?
Get out of there. What are you doing
hiding in those bushes?
Oh, my God, is that a knife?
It is a knife.
It's a big knife.
No way, man.
No way you're gonna get in this house
and Ginsu that woman.
Not over my dead body.
What the--?
Yeah, well, here, take that.
And that! And here's some for your head!
Oh, God.
Wow! Maddy stay in the house!
Okay, not my eye.
I guess you never messed
with a detective before, huh?
Maddie, don't open the door.
Just stay in the house.
Just stay in the house.
We got a dangerous criminal out here.
I got him immobilized right now,
but he's--
He still could be dangerous.
Just stay in the house, call the police.
I'll just stay out here with this guy.
Hey, wait a minute.
VVhat's that?
Oh, my God, he's bleeding
from the back of the head.
Hang on, she's coming right out.
Maddie...
...come on, looking like a
Sam Peckinpah movie out here.
Maddie, come on--
Hang on there pal! She's not gonna let a man die
Maddie, will you come on?
Maddie, the man is-- Last rites?
I don't know how to give last rites.
Besides, you don't need last rites.
She'll come through that door
any minute now...
...with Ace bandages and Bactine.
Maddie, come on, come on,
we're losing him.
But I'm not a priest!
All right, all right, here I go.
Now l lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord, my soul to kee--
Oh, no.
Oh, no, Maddie.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Maddie, he's dying.
He's dying, Maddie.
Come on out and take a look,
and let me know if he's dying.
Maddie, you coming?
Look, forget about that. You
don't wanna see a dead body anyway.
Look, just...
...come on down here,
cover your eyes...
...and step over the body,
and show me where the hose is...
...so I can rinse this
blood and brains off here.
Maddie?
Okay. Fine.
You're not coming out? Fine.
Great. That's just great.
You got a dead man
out here on your porch...
...and you will not even come out
and take a look at him.
How am I gonna tell you honey?
That's cold.
That is very, very cold.
Not as cold as this guy here,
but that is cold.
All right.
I guess I'll just have to
take care of it myself.
I'll just drag this guy
down to the curb...
...and leave him there for
the garbage man, how's that?
That make you happy?
Forget it. Forget you,
forget me, forget this.
So where's this guy?
Yeah, that was just
a superficial flesh wound.
He's down the street
robbing some other house.
So if we went on this date,
where would we go?
Where?
Anywhere.
Where would you like to go?
I don't know.
I 'm not even sure I want to go.
Movie? Want to go to the movies?
It's after 9:00, everything's started.
Dinner? Go get some din-din.
It's a weeknight and it's late
and we don't have a reservation.
Bowling alley, pool hall,
a bar, anywhere.
-Something's bound to be--
-No bars. Lord, no bars.
-Just come with me. No bars.
-No bars. Not with you. No bars.
No bars. Of course not.
Hate them. No bars.
I'll get my bag.
Get your bag.
I'll wait here.
Guard the door.
In case that guy comes back.
See? I told you we'd find something.
Come on.
-Pretty neat, huh?
-No doubt about it.
-Definitely worth the wait.
-What are you talking about?
This place is a Shangri-Ia.
Look at that sign, open 24 hours.
Got some gourmet food here...
...refreshing soft drinks. Pay phone
in case you wanna make a call.
All the heat you need, and in case
we do anything that makes us dirty...
...we can tidy up right here.
This is better than a Hilton.
-You spoil me.
-You don't like it.
Don't be ridiculous.
All my life I've been wanting
to come here.
And to think, we have
the whole place to ourselves.
I'm sorry.
I know how important this is to you
and I'm not helping much, am I?
Don't shrug.
There's nothing to shrug about.
For once, you really tried to be nice.
...and I'm being
what you would call a "bitch."
Surprise, surprise, what can I say?
I'm not a very nice person.
I mean, I have my moments, but ....
Now's when you're
supposed to jump in and say...
...that I'm really not a bitch...
and I'm one of the nicest people you 've ever met
I can't. You're not.
Brutal honesty and a lack of tact.
I like that in my failed relationships.
Now, you see, that's funny.
That's sharp.
Do you ever get that funny
or that sharp with anyone else?
-No, I don't think so.
-You're right. We should stay together.
We have to stay together.
I mean, think of the banter.
You're kidding and I'm serious.
Don't you get it?
I don't get any better
than when I'm with you...
...and you don't get any better
than when you're with me.
If this is as good as life gets--
I'm not saying this is as good
as life gets, what I'm saying is ....
I dont know what I 'm saying.
I 'm saying that...
...you know my garbage,
good and bad...
...and I know yours.
I knew it the minute I met you.
And I knew you read me
the minute you met me.
-That I did.
-Well, that's the point.
Nobody reads me.
Nobody gets to me.
And you ....
You're about as cool as they come.
But you can't deny it, Maddie...
...you got a bad case of me,
and I got a bad case of you...
and I never had a bad case of anyone...
What makes you think
I have a case of you?
Because you're here
in a Laundromat...
...at 2:00 in the morning.
VVho's kidding who?
If you weren't interested
in what I had to say...
...you'd be out that door, climbing in
your car, and cruising home.
Excuse me!
Where are you going?
I'm walking out the door, climbing in
my car, and cruising home.
You were right the first time.
You are a bitch.
Right, and what are you?
At least I'm honest.
At least I can look you in the eye
and say, "Fine this is great.
This is wonderful."
But this is too much work for me.
This is too hard.
Every moment, every second, every
word, every breath is like some test.
If this is love, it's too hard.
If this is love, I'll live without it.
-Then that's it.
-That's it. I'm numb, David. I'm raw.
You love this kind of friction.
I can't live with this.
Yeah, fine, I love you.
So one more big surprise.
But it hurts too much...
...it tears too much. I just can't do this.
I'm just not up to this.
-You underestimate yourself.
-No, I don't. I know myself.
I know my limits. I'm dead on, David,
and this-- You are beyond my limits.
This relationship. This thing we have.
Whatever you wanna call it...
...it only has two temperatures,
white hot or icy cold.
I can't function that way.
I need some middle.
And the few there is no middle.
I know what it's like to be in a
Laundromat with you at 2 a.m.
I know what it's like to be
in bed with you for 14 hours.
What I don't know is what's it's like
to go into a coffee shop at noon...
...and order cheeseburgers, or what it's
like to go to a store together and buy...
-...I don't know, something.
-You want cheeseburgers...
...I'll take you out and get burgers.
You want to go buy something--
-I understand.
-No, you don't.
This is me telling you it's over.
It's over David. Period.
I'll sell the agency,
you'll find a new job.
It's important for my mental health
that we get out of each other's lives.
Say something.
Please?
I hate Muzak.
Don't go!
I have to go!
Dance with me.
You 've used all that line with me before David,
it's not gonna work.
It always works. Has to work.
Okay, so it doesn't work.
So, what, this is the end?
This is goodbye?
Not even a goodbye dance?
Got music.
Got mood.
Come on.
It's the end of the summer,
our last night together...
...told each other
how much we love each other...
...but we decided to go
to different colleges anyway.
We gotta dance.
-I hate you, David.
-Yeah?
Already played that scene too.
If you could do anything,
what would you do?
-End it.
-Second choice.
I don't know.
Go to some European country.
Run and hide. Hide under a bed.
Think. I want to be sure.
I'm not sure of anything.
Not even about ending it.
Well, then, let's not end it.
I love you, Maddie.
-I love you, David.
-Well, then, let's keep trying.
I can't dance to this.
Want a ride home?
You wanna be alone, don't you?
No, I'll just take a cab.
I'm sorry,
I know you want an answer.
I can't give you one.
I need to think. I'm a thinker, David.
Okay.
-I don't know what's gonna happen!
-OK
You're not gonna dance here
with anyone else, are you?
Better not.
That's it. You see that?
You see that?
She wants to know where
the relationship is going.
She, has made a go, to ask me...
...where the relationship is going...
You want to know
where the relationship is going?
I'll tell you where it's going.
it's going to the moon!
Fine, Ralph,
you wanna be angry, be angry.
But I'm not gonna stay
and be angry.
Trixie, mind if I stay
at your place tonight?
-Fine Alice.
-Wait a second, wait a second...
...you think I'm just gonna let you
waltz out of here like that?
You walk out of that door
over my dead body.
Fine, Ralph. You're right.
I can't walk out of here
over your dead body.
I'd have to fly out.
Lady. Lady, we're here.
You want me to get your bags?
Yes, please.
-Can I help you?
-I'd like to go to a foreign country...
...hide under a bed.
It's OK.
I never carry a passport with me.
Do you have
a schedule for domestic flights?
You walk out of that door
over my dead body.
Fine, Ralph. You're right.
I can't walk out of here
over your dead body.
I'd have to fly out.
Oh, just once.
Just once...right in the kisser.
You got a real problem here,
Ralphie boy.
You said it, pal of mine.
"Where is the relationship going?"
What kind of question is that?
Anybody takes one look around,
you can see where it's going.
Yeah, the Museum of Natural History.
I got a great place here, Norton.
I got a great job.
I'm in the fast track.
Anybody can see that.
I can see that.
Maybe that's not what she means.
What do you mean,
"maybe that's not what she means"'?
-What do you think she means?
-I don't know.
Maybe all this material wealth
you got here ain't the issue.
-Oh, no?
-No.
Maybe Alice is talking about
something that's a little more spiritual.
-Spiritual?
-Yeah.
You know, we got a saying
in the sewers, Ralphie:
"Still waters don't
necessarily run deep."
Will you stop with that?
You gotta help me here, Norton.
She wants to know where it's going.
I don't know where.
-I don't know what to tell her.
-Sure, you do.
-Just tell her the truth.
-Tell her the truth.
How am I gonna do that?
I never spend time
thinking about where it's going.
Let me show you
-You be you. I'll be Alice.
-What do you mean?
Just what I said.
You're Ralph. I'm Alice.
Will you come on?
You space cadet.
Okay, okay. You're Alice, I'm me.
Alice...
...this is where
I think the relationship's going.
I think it's going forward.
I like to think of this relationship
like it's a big city bus.
A big, big city bus
and I'm the driver, see?
I kind of sit up there,
right in front, kind of steer things.
-You're sitting up front?
-Up front.
-And where do I sit?
-Anywhere you want.
-Anywhere I want?
-That's right.
Of course, with you sitting up front...
And they dont leave room for anyone else to see.
That's what Alice would say, Ralph.
-You know what it means, Norton.
-Oh, come on, don't get mad.
-You know what it means.
-I'm trying to help--
-Get out!
-All right, all right, all right.
But Alice don't want to hear
about the relationship being a bus.
Well, then ....
I don't know what to tell her, Norton.
I'm crazy about her.
I'm nuts about her.
Can't she see that?
I mean, there I am, all day long...
...driving that bus
up and down Madison Avenue.
Women getting on, women getting off,
and all I can think of is her.
Sometimes,
down at the bus station...
...a couple boys start running
down their wives.
You know what i say to myself.
I say Crandon...
...you're a lucky man.
When the chips are down,
Alice is there.
When the times are good,
Alice is there."
You may not believe this, Norton...
...but sometimes, I 'm not a real bargain to live with.
Yes I know...
It's hard to believe,
but it's true
I don't know what I'd do without her.
Why don't you tell her
what you just said?
-What do you mean?
-Yeah, what you just said there.
-That was beautiful.
-What I just said here?
Yeah.
You're right, pal of mine,
that is what she wants to hear.
Get her down here.
Trixie? Trixie, send Alice
down here a minute, will you?
And have her bring
some extra Kleenexes here.
Right, pal, forget about
all that bus stuff...
...just tell her
what she wants to hear.
I can't send her down, Ed.
What do you mean, you can't?
What do you mean, you can't?
I order her to come down here.
I want to tell her I love her.
Trixie, tell Alice that's an order.
Well, order or not,
she isn't coming down. She left.
-Left?
-Left? What do you mean left?
-Where did she leave to?
-She called a taxi for the airport.
Said she needed to get away
and think things over...
...figure out where
the relationship was going.