Moonlighting (1985–1989): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Lady in the Iron Mask - full transcript
A mysterious woman appears in Maddie's and David's agency, who does not want to show her face. She wants Maddie and David to find her former lover, who is the reason why she can't show her face. The two detectives find this man, but find out on the next day that someone murdered him. Of course, the mysterious woman is their very first suspect.
MOONLIGHTING
"THE LADY IN THE IRON MASK"
- Sorry you're seeing this, Miss Hayes.
- What is going on?
- It's been brewing for a while.
- What has?
Stop this.
Mr. Lewis.
Mr. Simmons.
What is going on?
Miss DiPesto, I'll be...
- In Mr. Addison's office.
- ...in Mr. Addison's office.
Addison.
Do you realize what a morale
problem we have on our hands?
You're kidding. I thought the big fight
would take care of that.
- I don't believe this.
- You gotta. I got 10 bucks on Lewis.
Great right hand,
tremendous body punch--
I'm not here. This is a dream.
Great googly moogly.
Nobody told you about the big event?
Okay, hold everything.
This isn't exactly kosher.
I mean, the fight already started, but
I'm gonna let you get a bet down, kid.
- Not a sports fan?
- Addison, there are people...
...physically assaulting
each other in our office.
Doesn't that say anything?
It does to me.
- Sounds like...?
- This is serious.
If the root of this problem
is boredom...
...lack of self-esteem,
no sense of accomplishment...
...feelings of worthlessness.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
- Have you considered therapy?
- I'm not talking about me.
- I'm talking about them.
- They have nothing to do all day...
...but sit and stare at the clock. They
have a desk. We give them a title.
We give them a paycheck,
but they don't do anything to earn it.
You think it's easy
doing nothing all day?
Withdraw the question.
Part of me thinks we'd be doing
these people a favor by firing them.
Show me which part,
so I can cut it out.
What's the point of having them
here if there's no work to do?
- But there will be.
- When?
Right.
No interruptions.
We're discussing a morale crisis.
I'll be in reception making sure none
of the inmates have sharp objects.
There's a woman here to see you and
Miss Hayes. She might be a client.
A client?
If she tries to leave, shoot her.
Good morning.
My name is Barbara Wylie.
- I'm Madelyn Hayes.
- Yes. I recognize you.
- This is my associate, David Addison.
- Miss Wylie.
- Why don't you take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
I don't know how to do this.
I've never done
this sort of thing before.
Hire a detective agency.
Well, there's nothing to it.
You're wondering about the way I look.
You want to know about the veil.
- No.
- Yes.
- Unless it's germane to the case.
- It is the case.
About 12 years ago...
...a boy...
...consumed with jealousy...
...over the knowledge
that I was to marry someone else...
...threw acid in my face.
- Oh, my God.
- My skin...
...my throat...
...both were burned beyond repair.
The man who assaulted me
went to prison.
My fiancé--
There was so much hurt
and shock in the air.
-- Did what he believed
was the right thing.
It wasn't what you'd call
a festive wedding.
It hasn't been what you would call
a festive marriage.
I want you...
...to find the man who attacked me.
His name is Frank Harbert.
He was recently paroled.
I want you to locate him for me.
Miss Wylie, we sympathize
with all you've been through.
- But the man went to prison. Revenge--
- I don't want revenge.
I want him.
If he still loves me...
...I'll get a divorce.
I've always loved him.
- But what he did--
- I'll pay you $5000...
...to find him for me.
Please, and be discreet.
My husband is with me.
In case he needs proof.
I'll be waiting to hear from you.
Miss DiPesto, give me the
address of the parole board.
- Right away.
- Cancel that.
You know where he is and
you don't wanna waste a phone call?
- We're not taking this case.
- What?
I'm not solving this company's
problems by putting that woman...
...back in touch with the man
who ruined her life and marriage.
- That's not the way I heard her tell it.
- Just the way she described it. I can't--
- I can't have anything to do with this.
- I love this kind of lively debate.
This is the lifeblood of a vibrant young
company. This is exciting, inspiring.
- This is--
- Cow patties.
Cow patties?
Cute. Sit down.
Are we here to judge the motives
of our clients? No.
Ours is not to reason why. Do lawyers
not defend people who are guilty?
Do doctors not treat patients who will die?
Do teachers not teach...
- ...students who are dumb as stumps?
- We're not taking this case!
- You're not hearing me.
- I'm sick of hearing you.
- I feel an obligation.
- That's breakfast. Where's humanity?
Hocked it for rent.
I'm going to the parole board.
- You're not going.
- My conscience calls.
- Addison.
- Do we really have to...
...wash the linen in front of the--?
Miss DiPesto, where is everybody?
- Lunch.
- Lunch? It's not even 10:15.
Okay, then brunch?
- I should have fired them.
- I got a better idea.
Why not put this company to work
and find out about Frank Harbert?
- Addison.
- Look, all we gotta do is find him.
We just find him.
After you meet him, you don't wanna
turn his address to Barbara Wylie...
- ...we turn down the fee.
- No arguments?
Lady, you're the boss.
I work for you.
You pick the tune, I do the dance.
No income, fine with me.
You wanna sleep on benches...
...with newspapers for blankets,
I'll give you all the magazine sections.
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, we're a team.
Partners.
Now.
Forever.
I mean that.
Maddie...
...that first clump of dirt on my coffin,
I want it to be thrown by you.
You're doing some pretty mean
throwing yourself. Come on, let's go.
Call Barbara Wylie
and tell her we're on the case.
Baby, you're the greatest.
See any bleached bones out there?
How about this:
I do the punch line,
you tell me the joke, okay?
All right?
Okay. So the salesman wakes up...
...big smile on his face,
goes downstairs...
...has breakfast
and confesses the whole thing.
And a farmer turns to him
and says:
"But I don't have a daughter."
- What's the why?
- The why?
What's the why? What why?
Why is Barbara Wylie
desperate to get in touch with a man...
- ...who gave her so much pain?
- You heard her. It's love.
I know that.
I've had a Frank Harbert or two
in my life.
My first week of college there was
this guy. He was an upperclassman.
- Heartbeat city?
- Yeah, for him anyway.
We only went out a couple of times.
I don't know, he was okay. Just okay.
- So I said--
- Let's be friends.
You didn't say that, did you?
That's the worst.
That's female for, "No kissy, touchy, or
horizont-y." Tell me you didn't say that.
- I didn't say that.
- Liar.
- No horizont-y?
- So, what happened?
He started leaving notes
in my mailbox.
- Songs, poems--
- No flowers?
A single perfect red rose--
- Cheap.
- Every day.
- No imagination.
- Too much imagination.
He was racked with love,
pining away.
It's scary being the object
of so much desire.
He didn't even know me,
but he swore he loved me.
One night when I was out...
...he snuck into my room.
I don't know what
he was doing there.
One of the security people found him.
He didn't take anything.
But I was so ashamed for him.
Now the whole world knew.
But at the same time,
I was furious with him.
I'd been very honest.
I told him how it was.
But he took away my "no."
The man who took away Barbara
Wylie's face took away her "no" too.
If you don't wanna do this,
we really don't have to--
You kidding?
I love driving through Mars.
Besides, there's no one
I'd rather see die of thirst than you.
I'm so touched.
You sure this is the place?
This is the parole board's
last known address.
Maybe he found God in prison.
So that's where the old boy
has been hiding.
He's not gonna get into
any trouble around here.
Now, that's where you're wrong.
My tummy tells me this is
a pretty radical party town.
- We're looking for Mr. Frank Harbert.
- Who?
$2 ADMISSION
RESTORATION FUND
HISTORIC LECTURE
EVERY 15 MINUTES
Thank you.
And the original structure composed
of thousands of handmade adobe bricks...
...took two years to complete.
The cross you see behind you
on the wall measures 8 feet.
Legend has it
that the cross is constructed of wood...
...taken from the flagship
of the Spanish conquistador, Cortés.
Cortés defeated the Aztecs...
...and brought Catholicism to the
New World over three centuries ago.
In 1906, a terrible earthquake
destroyed the entire mission.
It is being restored
as I speak to you...
...and any donations for that
restoration will be greatly appreciated.
Please feel free
to roam the grounds...
...and feel free to ask me
any questions that may occur.
Two bucks for that?
You Frank Harbert?
You said
feel free to ask any questions.
Who's asking?
- She's not dead or anything is she?
- How much would that matter to you?
I took this.
- I bought that ribbon for her hair.
- She was very pretty.
Yeah, she was.
Anyway, I'm glad she's not dead.
- She wants to see you again.
- What?
- She's married, wrong?
- She said she'd be willing to undo that.
- What is this, some kind of joke?
- I find it difficult to believe myself...
...but Barbara Wylie walked in
our office this morning...
...and hired us to find you.
She says she's always loved you.
Did she tell you what I did to her?
I heard she was getting married.
So I...
I found out where
her bridal shower was.
And I waited outside.
I waited in the bushes.
And she came out, and I--
I walked up to her...
...and I said, "I'll love you forever."
And I--
I looked at her face...
...her eyes...
...her mouth.
And I thought:
"No, don't do this."
But I did it anyway.
Not a day goes by
I don't see her face.
Not a night goes by
I don't hear her screaming.
She really--?
She really said she'd marry me?
Yeah, well...
...do her a favor.
You never found me.
Sounds like love to me.
- So?
- So?
What's the verdict, Judge Wapner?
Do we tell her and cash the check?
Or say he's nowhere to be found
and sleep sounder but poorer?
I don't know.
They're both in such pain.
She's so unhappy
and he's racked with guilt.
Nothing to do with us. They were not
happy and racked before they met us.
On one hand, I think
we should bring them together.
- Now you're cooking.
- On the other...
...what if something terrible happens?
What if he turns into an animal?
You're talking about
half the couples in America.
- I don't know. I'm torn.
- Truth is, if we tell her...
...we couldn't find him,
she'll get somebody else to do it.
- That's true, isn't it?
- Yep.
- Why isn't this more fun?
- What do you mean?
Our first legitimate case
and we solve it.
"Find this guy." We find the guy.
I still feel so empty inside.
Cashing that $5000 check
will help fill you up.
That's what it's all about, isn't it?
Welcome to the real world,
Maddie Hayes.
First phone you see,
pull off the road.
I'll call Barbara Wylie
and give her the good news.
Good call, partner. Good call.
And so the farmer says,
"But I ain't got no daughter."
What's the matter, you're offended?
That's a funny joke.
A lot of people I respect, admire
think that's a funny joke.
Leaders in the community...
- ...professional people.
- A fireman is not a professional.
Fine. Next time your Christmas
tree lights get overexcited...
...we'll see if you feel
the same way.
- A penny for your thoughts?
- Only a penny?
- We solved our first case. We're liquid.
- Yeah, but we're on a budget.
So, what's going through
that blond brain of yours?
Magazine cover.
Once again, for those of us
who are new to this country?
If you shoot enough magazine covers,
you start to look at life that way.
That's all.
Life is like a magazine cover.
Yeah, what magazine?
- It doesn't have a name, the magazine.
- LIFE?
- David.
- Look?
- Please.
- Oui?
W-E. W-E.
It's like Us,
one of those pronoun magazines.
It doesn't have to have a name.
All it has to have
is a headline and a picture.
"Madelyn Hayes.
More than a pretty face,
solves case...
...has a nice dinner."
Yeah. I heard of that magazine.
Can't get a copy. Sold out.
I had a nice dinner too.
You're unusually giddy tonight.
The night, the stars...
- ...the wine.
- We didn't have any wine.
- The Tab.
- Look, I know I'm not good at...
...apologies and thank-yous, but thank
you for making me take this case.
I'm sorry I put up such a fuss.
I know sometimes it seems
like I say no more than I say yes.
Professionally, I mean. What
I'm trying to say, is I appreciate...
...what you bring to the agency
and I'm really glad you're my part--
- David?
- Maddie, come here.
David, what could be so--?
- What is it? Is it the news?
- Look at this.
Mr. Harbert,
paroled just six months ago...
- ...was found dead by a parishioner...
- What's happening?
What are they saying? Is he dead?
What--? She lied to us.
She said she loved him.
And all she wanted to do
was murder him.
- She lied to us so she could find him.
- Let's get back--
All she wanted to do was kill him.
She lied to us.
- Yes?
- Morning. I'm David Addison.
Madelyn Hayes.
We're looking for Barbara Wylie.
- May I ask why?
- May I ask who's asking?
Her husband.
And I don't know you, which means
my wife doesn't know you.
What the hell is going on?
I told you,
we have business with your wife.
I don't understand.
My wife is very ill. She doesn't
have business with anyone.
It doesn't look like she's here.
Benjamin, what do they want?
Frank Harbert is dead.
- I saw the news.
- Is that all?
I won't pretend it's
the unhappiest news I've ever heard.
Is that all you're not pretending?
You double-crossed us, lady,
you killed him.
Who are these people?
What is this about?
We're detectives. Hired by your wife
to find Frank Harbert.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what they're talking about.
You came to our office
and begged us to find him.
Why would I do that?
What possible reason could I have...
...of wanting to see him?
You said you loved him and wanted
to marry him, and then you killed him.
All right.
Why are you saying
these ridiculous things?
Why would I want to marry
a man who disfigured me?
Did someone pay you
to say these things?
- Who hired you?
- You did.
I certainly did not.
You hired us to find him
and then you killed him.
Benjamin, make them stop.
Make them stop saying these things.
Enough.
We're not gonna stop until we have
enough to convict you of murder.
Every minute of every hour
of every day.
- Whatever you do...
- Addison.
...we'll be there
waiting for you to slip up.
Go.
- Our first real case and we kill a guy.
- You're so negative.
We're chumps and bunglers.
We led Barbara Wylie right to him.
But we did it great.
Maybe there's a market for that.
"Blue Moon.
We find them, you kill them.
We tag them, you bag them.
We spot them, you drop them."
- Not funny?
- You swing from a vine, Addison.
Sounds like fun.
That poor man would be alive today if
you hadn't insisted we take this case.
- You're hanging this on me?
- Five thousand dollars, $5000.
Ours is not to reason why.
What a team.
- I'm calling the police.
- What?
- I'm calling the police.
- Maddie, think a minute.
Short minute. You call the police,
we're hanging ourselves.
The headlines:
"Pretty peeper leads killer to prey."
Go ahead. Call the fuzz.
Tell them all.
Confess to the drought in Africa.
Be ready to be laughed out of town,
your license shredded.
To never work again in this town.
We don't have any proof...
...that Barbara Wylie
actually did this.
I must have done something horrible
in a past life.
- What do you suggest we do?
- Nail Barbara Wylie.
That's easy. We've certainly thrown
the fear of God into her, haven't we?
We haven't.
That's why we're gonna nab her.
- Why is that?
- Because she's sure...
...she's got the two stooges licked.
She's gonna let up, make a mistake.
- We gotta rattle her cage.
- What will that get us?
- Second chance.
- What will that get us?
Evidence, Maddie. Evidence.
The kind that stands up in court.
The kind that sits down in jail.
The kind that crosses its legs in a bar.
- You with me or not?
- Crosses its legs in a bar?
Got a million of them. A moose goes in
a dentist's office and says, "Doctor..."
DR. CARON DISCOVERS
ANTIDOTE FOR STRESS
- How long do we have to sit here?
- Until we spot her.
You don't wanna do the
paper-in-the-lobby thing...
- ...you've no business in this business.
- I didn't say that.
Although it seems to me
your choice of paper--
You don't know what you're talking
about. You can't see around that thing.
At least I'm not ashamed.
Aren't you embarrassed?
- About what?
- That. That scandal sheet.
I love the scandal sheet.
"Is Jamie Lee Curtis a real girl
or a Russian experiment...
...created in a laboratory to incite
the American males?"
- I wanna know.
- Someone will hear.
"Have extraterrestrials left a
secret message for earthlings...
...under Sylvester Stallone's
pectoral?" I wanna know.
"Is Jane Pauley having
David Hartman's baby?"
- Is she?
- Cab for Mrs. Wylie.
Come on.
- What do we do now?
- We get a cab of our own.
Thanks for the use
of the hall, chief.
There's an extra 50 for you
if you keep that cab in sight.
You mind telling me what you hope
to learn from this excursion?
Maybe nothing. Maybe something.
Murder is a messy business, Maddie.
And Whistler's wife here
doesn't strike me as an old pro.
I got a hunch that she left
some little detail unattended.
And now that she knows
we're on to her...
...maybe she'll attend to it.
- While we watch?
- Stranger things have happened.
Speaking of strange, you got
something on your mind, don't you?
I have a terrible confession to make.
I believed Barbara Wylie back there.
Yeah, well, that's why
you got me around. I didn't.
She seemed so sincere. So honestly
confused by everything we said.
Look at this.
We got us a real barracuda here.
Didn't want the cab company to have
a record of where she was going.
Talk to me some more
about sincerity.
That's quite a chassis
she's got under that hood.
Look.
She almost got away with it.
Don't turn. We're gonna wait here
a second, all right?
That's that.
She's guilty as sin, isn't she?
Looks that way.
- Think she'll pay us anyway?
- I doubt it.
All right.
We'll see if we can find her car.
- Now what, call the police?
- Seems like that's the only thing left.
Finally get a client. A client walks
in the door of her own free will.
A case we can solve.
A fee we can earn.
Addison.
Why is she coming back out
of the hotel?
- Where did the wiggle go?
- What?
Come on, walk with me.
STAIRS
What floor was
Barbara Wylie's room?
Fourth. Why are you asking?
It wasn't even in this wing.
What are you doing?
I wanna know what we--
I wanna know what we're doing.
We got nowhere to go,
nothing to do.
I figured we watch
Barbara Wylie get undressed.
- What?
- Don't be a snob.
It's here, it's free.
It's under the stars.
Pretend you're at a concert.
Remember what room number
she said she was in?
Four-seventeen.
And I think this is sick.
With any luck, you'll be right.
All right,
just keep your eyes right up there...
...and holler
when you see the lights on.
What is this supposed to prove?
The earth is round...
...you can't get pregnant
from a toilet seat...
...and for every action, there is
an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Just keep your eyes
peeled up there.
This is thrilling.
Maybe she went to buy a paper.
Maybe she's not in room 417.
- What makes you say that?
- That.
Why would she change rooms?
This is it. No one under 17 admitted
without parent or guardian.
She's a man.
I feel so used.
Ninety-nine, 100.
Now, 10 minutes on the speed bag
and hit the showers, slugger.
We're terrible detectives,
aren't we?
- Why do you say that?
- Because it's the truth.
- Because we're just awful detectives.
- We're not awful, just a little green.
I don't agree. We figured everything
out, we're just a little late.
That poor woman. Her husband
used us for a couple of patsies.
Congratulating ourselves
on following him.
- He wanted us to follow him. This case!
- Give it a break, will you?
- I won't. I didn't even want this case.
- I knew we'd get back to that.
- I didn't wanna keep this agency open.
- And that.
We should be concentrating on
what we're gonna do next.
What are we gonna be doing?
We have to get into Benjamin's room
and get that costume and wig.
How are we gonna do that?
Go to the desk?
If we get into Barbara's room,
get that key--
- And how do you propose to do that?
- I propose...
...that we find you a black dress
and a black veil.
- I knew it.
- Knew what?
Some partnership. You have stupid
ideas and I have to carry them out.
What am I doing?
It's 2:00 in the morning and we wasted
two days on this stupid thing.
I'd be better off
in business by myself.
Oh, really?
No, not really. Just forget I said it.
You were serious.
If I was serious,
I wouldn't have said to forget it.
If you weren't serious,
you wouldn't have said it at all.
You really don't wanna be
partners with me, do you?
I need a partner, you're a partner.
If I could pick any partner,
would I pick you?
- I don't know.
- When I think of the perfect person...
...to complement
my complex personality...
- ...you're not first to spring to mind.
- Springs to what?
- You know what your problem is?
- I fear I'm looking at it.
It makes you crazy
to think you need me.
- I don't need you.
- You do need me.
I'm your lifeline. Without me--
Without you I wouldn't be here
at 2:00 figuring out...
...how to prove a woman who seems
to have killed a man, didn't.
And a man
who seems to not have, did.
Without you, I wouldn't be
involved in this stupid case.
- Without you--
- What?
- Never mind.
- What?
- Never mind.
- No, I wanna hear it.
No, you don't.
You think you can do
a better job without me?
- I didn't say that.
- No, but you were thinking it.
How can you be smart about me
and stupid about everything else?
All right, fine!
I'll make it easy for you.
You clean this case up your way,
I'll clean it up my way.
- Good.
- Good.
- Fine.
- Fine. Okay, fine.
- Mrs. Wylie.
- Could I have my room key, please?
Here you go, Mrs. Wylie.
Oh, Mrs. Wylie.
I like your hair a lot better this way.
Hey, a nice caboose, toots.
- Yes?
- Room key, please, 223.
There you go.
You want a room key too.
Excuse me?
Oh, four. Four.
Four-one.
Four-one-seven.
Four-seventeen. Oh, I got it, 417.
There you go.
I guess there's no such thing
as an original idea.
- What are you doing here?
- Me? What are you doing here?
And why do you look
so much better than me?
Haven't you ever seen a man
coming out of the closet?
- Mrs. Wylie, we can explain.
- Everything.
- You were framed--
- For the murder of Frank Harbert.
- By your husband.
- By your husband.
Sorry, I lost my place.
She's taking this rather well,
don't you think?
What are you doing here?
One...
...two...
...three.
Now, why does he look
so much better than me?
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
Benjamin, what--? Why are you--?
So you could be accused
of the murder of Frank Harbert.
- And we'd swear to it.
- What are they talking about?
It wasn't supposed to end like this.
The only one that was supposed...
...to get hurt was Harbert.
He deserved to die. We knew that.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you see?
So you were accused
of the murder.
What jury would convict a woman
who had had her face burnt off?
That's what the insanity defense
is all about, right?
I couldn't do it any longer.
Twelve years of marriage to a woman
who wouldn't let me see her.
I...
...couldn't do it.
I can't do it.
Stop that man!
Stop that man!
Stop that man.
Sorry, sir, are you finished?
I'm sorry, sir.
CAUTION
WET FLOOR
I'm really sorry--
Freeze!
Freeze!
Freeze!
Freeze!
Anybody wanna play Twister?
Miss DiPesto.
You hollered for me, Mr. Addison?
Agnes...
...take a letter.
- Dear David.
- Dear Maddie.
Last night, I may have said and done
some things that I regret.
These are the times
that try men's souls.
Are you and Mom having a fight?
Are you gonna leave us?
I hope not.
Why don't you go in my office
and watch television?
- What are we gonna do?
- About what?
First clump of dirt on your coffin.
I wanna be the one to throw it.
I'm sorry for all the things I did,
all the things I said.
I never had a man
put on a dress for me before.
And you say you've been around.
I'm sorry, partner.
You're forgiven, partner.
I'm glad you're my partner...
...partner.
Subtitles by SDI Media Group
"THE LADY IN THE IRON MASK"
- Sorry you're seeing this, Miss Hayes.
- What is going on?
- It's been brewing for a while.
- What has?
Stop this.
Mr. Lewis.
Mr. Simmons.
What is going on?
Miss DiPesto, I'll be...
- In Mr. Addison's office.
- ...in Mr. Addison's office.
Addison.
Do you realize what a morale
problem we have on our hands?
You're kidding. I thought the big fight
would take care of that.
- I don't believe this.
- You gotta. I got 10 bucks on Lewis.
Great right hand,
tremendous body punch--
I'm not here. This is a dream.
Great googly moogly.
Nobody told you about the big event?
Okay, hold everything.
This isn't exactly kosher.
I mean, the fight already started, but
I'm gonna let you get a bet down, kid.
- Not a sports fan?
- Addison, there are people...
...physically assaulting
each other in our office.
Doesn't that say anything?
It does to me.
- Sounds like...?
- This is serious.
If the root of this problem
is boredom...
...lack of self-esteem,
no sense of accomplishment...
...feelings of worthlessness.
Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
- Have you considered therapy?
- I'm not talking about me.
- I'm talking about them.
- They have nothing to do all day...
...but sit and stare at the clock. They
have a desk. We give them a title.
We give them a paycheck,
but they don't do anything to earn it.
You think it's easy
doing nothing all day?
Withdraw the question.
Part of me thinks we'd be doing
these people a favor by firing them.
Show me which part,
so I can cut it out.
What's the point of having them
here if there's no work to do?
- But there will be.
- When?
Right.
No interruptions.
We're discussing a morale crisis.
I'll be in reception making sure none
of the inmates have sharp objects.
There's a woman here to see you and
Miss Hayes. She might be a client.
A client?
If she tries to leave, shoot her.
Good morning.
My name is Barbara Wylie.
- I'm Madelyn Hayes.
- Yes. I recognize you.
- This is my associate, David Addison.
- Miss Wylie.
- Why don't you take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.
I don't know how to do this.
I've never done
this sort of thing before.
Hire a detective agency.
Well, there's nothing to it.
You're wondering about the way I look.
You want to know about the veil.
- No.
- Yes.
- Unless it's germane to the case.
- It is the case.
About 12 years ago...
...a boy...
...consumed with jealousy...
...over the knowledge
that I was to marry someone else...
...threw acid in my face.
- Oh, my God.
- My skin...
...my throat...
...both were burned beyond repair.
The man who assaulted me
went to prison.
My fiancé--
There was so much hurt
and shock in the air.
-- Did what he believed
was the right thing.
It wasn't what you'd call
a festive wedding.
It hasn't been what you would call
a festive marriage.
I want you...
...to find the man who attacked me.
His name is Frank Harbert.
He was recently paroled.
I want you to locate him for me.
Miss Wylie, we sympathize
with all you've been through.
- But the man went to prison. Revenge--
- I don't want revenge.
I want him.
If he still loves me...
...I'll get a divorce.
I've always loved him.
- But what he did--
- I'll pay you $5000...
...to find him for me.
Please, and be discreet.
My husband is with me.
In case he needs proof.
I'll be waiting to hear from you.
Miss DiPesto, give me the
address of the parole board.
- Right away.
- Cancel that.
You know where he is and
you don't wanna waste a phone call?
- We're not taking this case.
- What?
I'm not solving this company's
problems by putting that woman...
...back in touch with the man
who ruined her life and marriage.
- That's not the way I heard her tell it.
- Just the way she described it. I can't--
- I can't have anything to do with this.
- I love this kind of lively debate.
This is the lifeblood of a vibrant young
company. This is exciting, inspiring.
- This is--
- Cow patties.
Cow patties?
Cute. Sit down.
Are we here to judge the motives
of our clients? No.
Ours is not to reason why. Do lawyers
not defend people who are guilty?
Do doctors not treat patients who will die?
Do teachers not teach...
- ...students who are dumb as stumps?
- We're not taking this case!
- You're not hearing me.
- I'm sick of hearing you.
- I feel an obligation.
- That's breakfast. Where's humanity?
Hocked it for rent.
I'm going to the parole board.
- You're not going.
- My conscience calls.
- Addison.
- Do we really have to...
...wash the linen in front of the--?
Miss DiPesto, where is everybody?
- Lunch.
- Lunch? It's not even 10:15.
Okay, then brunch?
- I should have fired them.
- I got a better idea.
Why not put this company to work
and find out about Frank Harbert?
- Addison.
- Look, all we gotta do is find him.
We just find him.
After you meet him, you don't wanna
turn his address to Barbara Wylie...
- ...we turn down the fee.
- No arguments?
Lady, you're the boss.
I work for you.
You pick the tune, I do the dance.
No income, fine with me.
You wanna sleep on benches...
...with newspapers for blankets,
I'll give you all the magazine sections.
- Yeah, right.
- Hey, we're a team.
Partners.
Now.
Forever.
I mean that.
Maddie...
...that first clump of dirt on my coffin,
I want it to be thrown by you.
You're doing some pretty mean
throwing yourself. Come on, let's go.
Call Barbara Wylie
and tell her we're on the case.
Baby, you're the greatest.
See any bleached bones out there?
How about this:
I do the punch line,
you tell me the joke, okay?
All right?
Okay. So the salesman wakes up...
...big smile on his face,
goes downstairs...
...has breakfast
and confesses the whole thing.
And a farmer turns to him
and says:
"But I don't have a daughter."
- What's the why?
- The why?
What's the why? What why?
Why is Barbara Wylie
desperate to get in touch with a man...
- ...who gave her so much pain?
- You heard her. It's love.
I know that.
I've had a Frank Harbert or two
in my life.
My first week of college there was
this guy. He was an upperclassman.
- Heartbeat city?
- Yeah, for him anyway.
We only went out a couple of times.
I don't know, he was okay. Just okay.
- So I said--
- Let's be friends.
You didn't say that, did you?
That's the worst.
That's female for, "No kissy, touchy, or
horizont-y." Tell me you didn't say that.
- I didn't say that.
- Liar.
- No horizont-y?
- So, what happened?
He started leaving notes
in my mailbox.
- Songs, poems--
- No flowers?
A single perfect red rose--
- Cheap.
- Every day.
- No imagination.
- Too much imagination.
He was racked with love,
pining away.
It's scary being the object
of so much desire.
He didn't even know me,
but he swore he loved me.
One night when I was out...
...he snuck into my room.
I don't know what
he was doing there.
One of the security people found him.
He didn't take anything.
But I was so ashamed for him.
Now the whole world knew.
But at the same time,
I was furious with him.
I'd been very honest.
I told him how it was.
But he took away my "no."
The man who took away Barbara
Wylie's face took away her "no" too.
If you don't wanna do this,
we really don't have to--
You kidding?
I love driving through Mars.
Besides, there's no one
I'd rather see die of thirst than you.
I'm so touched.
You sure this is the place?
This is the parole board's
last known address.
Maybe he found God in prison.
So that's where the old boy
has been hiding.
He's not gonna get into
any trouble around here.
Now, that's where you're wrong.
My tummy tells me this is
a pretty radical party town.
- We're looking for Mr. Frank Harbert.
- Who?
$2 ADMISSION
RESTORATION FUND
HISTORIC LECTURE
EVERY 15 MINUTES
Thank you.
And the original structure composed
of thousands of handmade adobe bricks...
...took two years to complete.
The cross you see behind you
on the wall measures 8 feet.
Legend has it
that the cross is constructed of wood...
...taken from the flagship
of the Spanish conquistador, Cortés.
Cortés defeated the Aztecs...
...and brought Catholicism to the
New World over three centuries ago.
In 1906, a terrible earthquake
destroyed the entire mission.
It is being restored
as I speak to you...
...and any donations for that
restoration will be greatly appreciated.
Please feel free
to roam the grounds...
...and feel free to ask me
any questions that may occur.
Two bucks for that?
You Frank Harbert?
You said
feel free to ask any questions.
Who's asking?
- She's not dead or anything is she?
- How much would that matter to you?
I took this.
- I bought that ribbon for her hair.
- She was very pretty.
Yeah, she was.
Anyway, I'm glad she's not dead.
- She wants to see you again.
- What?
- She's married, wrong?
- She said she'd be willing to undo that.
- What is this, some kind of joke?
- I find it difficult to believe myself...
...but Barbara Wylie walked in
our office this morning...
...and hired us to find you.
She says she's always loved you.
Did she tell you what I did to her?
I heard she was getting married.
So I...
I found out where
her bridal shower was.
And I waited outside.
I waited in the bushes.
And she came out, and I--
I walked up to her...
...and I said, "I'll love you forever."
And I--
I looked at her face...
...her eyes...
...her mouth.
And I thought:
"No, don't do this."
But I did it anyway.
Not a day goes by
I don't see her face.
Not a night goes by
I don't hear her screaming.
She really--?
She really said she'd marry me?
Yeah, well...
...do her a favor.
You never found me.
Sounds like love to me.
- So?
- So?
What's the verdict, Judge Wapner?
Do we tell her and cash the check?
Or say he's nowhere to be found
and sleep sounder but poorer?
I don't know.
They're both in such pain.
She's so unhappy
and he's racked with guilt.
Nothing to do with us. They were not
happy and racked before they met us.
On one hand, I think
we should bring them together.
- Now you're cooking.
- On the other...
...what if something terrible happens?
What if he turns into an animal?
You're talking about
half the couples in America.
- I don't know. I'm torn.
- Truth is, if we tell her...
...we couldn't find him,
she'll get somebody else to do it.
- That's true, isn't it?
- Yep.
- Why isn't this more fun?
- What do you mean?
Our first legitimate case
and we solve it.
"Find this guy." We find the guy.
I still feel so empty inside.
Cashing that $5000 check
will help fill you up.
That's what it's all about, isn't it?
Welcome to the real world,
Maddie Hayes.
First phone you see,
pull off the road.
I'll call Barbara Wylie
and give her the good news.
Good call, partner. Good call.
And so the farmer says,
"But I ain't got no daughter."
What's the matter, you're offended?
That's a funny joke.
A lot of people I respect, admire
think that's a funny joke.
Leaders in the community...
- ...professional people.
- A fireman is not a professional.
Fine. Next time your Christmas
tree lights get overexcited...
...we'll see if you feel
the same way.
- A penny for your thoughts?
- Only a penny?
- We solved our first case. We're liquid.
- Yeah, but we're on a budget.
So, what's going through
that blond brain of yours?
Magazine cover.
Once again, for those of us
who are new to this country?
If you shoot enough magazine covers,
you start to look at life that way.
That's all.
Life is like a magazine cover.
Yeah, what magazine?
- It doesn't have a name, the magazine.
- LIFE?
- David.
- Look?
- Please.
- Oui?
W-E. W-E.
It's like Us,
one of those pronoun magazines.
It doesn't have to have a name.
All it has to have
is a headline and a picture.
"Madelyn Hayes.
More than a pretty face,
solves case...
...has a nice dinner."
Yeah. I heard of that magazine.
Can't get a copy. Sold out.
I had a nice dinner too.
You're unusually giddy tonight.
The night, the stars...
- ...the wine.
- We didn't have any wine.
- The Tab.
- Look, I know I'm not good at...
...apologies and thank-yous, but thank
you for making me take this case.
I'm sorry I put up such a fuss.
I know sometimes it seems
like I say no more than I say yes.
Professionally, I mean. What
I'm trying to say, is I appreciate...
...what you bring to the agency
and I'm really glad you're my part--
- David?
- Maddie, come here.
David, what could be so--?
- What is it? Is it the news?
- Look at this.
Mr. Harbert,
paroled just six months ago...
- ...was found dead by a parishioner...
- What's happening?
What are they saying? Is he dead?
What--? She lied to us.
She said she loved him.
And all she wanted to do
was murder him.
- She lied to us so she could find him.
- Let's get back--
All she wanted to do was kill him.
She lied to us.
- Yes?
- Morning. I'm David Addison.
Madelyn Hayes.
We're looking for Barbara Wylie.
- May I ask why?
- May I ask who's asking?
Her husband.
And I don't know you, which means
my wife doesn't know you.
What the hell is going on?
I told you,
we have business with your wife.
I don't understand.
My wife is very ill. She doesn't
have business with anyone.
It doesn't look like she's here.
Benjamin, what do they want?
Frank Harbert is dead.
- I saw the news.
- Is that all?
I won't pretend it's
the unhappiest news I've ever heard.
Is that all you're not pretending?
You double-crossed us, lady,
you killed him.
Who are these people?
What is this about?
We're detectives. Hired by your wife
to find Frank Harbert.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what they're talking about.
You came to our office
and begged us to find him.
Why would I do that?
What possible reason could I have...
...of wanting to see him?
You said you loved him and wanted
to marry him, and then you killed him.
All right.
Why are you saying
these ridiculous things?
Why would I want to marry
a man who disfigured me?
Did someone pay you
to say these things?
- Who hired you?
- You did.
I certainly did not.
You hired us to find him
and then you killed him.
Benjamin, make them stop.
Make them stop saying these things.
Enough.
We're not gonna stop until we have
enough to convict you of murder.
Every minute of every hour
of every day.
- Whatever you do...
- Addison.
...we'll be there
waiting for you to slip up.
Go.
- Our first real case and we kill a guy.
- You're so negative.
We're chumps and bunglers.
We led Barbara Wylie right to him.
But we did it great.
Maybe there's a market for that.
"Blue Moon.
We find them, you kill them.
We tag them, you bag them.
We spot them, you drop them."
- Not funny?
- You swing from a vine, Addison.
Sounds like fun.
That poor man would be alive today if
you hadn't insisted we take this case.
- You're hanging this on me?
- Five thousand dollars, $5000.
Ours is not to reason why.
What a team.
- I'm calling the police.
- What?
- I'm calling the police.
- Maddie, think a minute.
Short minute. You call the police,
we're hanging ourselves.
The headlines:
"Pretty peeper leads killer to prey."
Go ahead. Call the fuzz.
Tell them all.
Confess to the drought in Africa.
Be ready to be laughed out of town,
your license shredded.
To never work again in this town.
We don't have any proof...
...that Barbara Wylie
actually did this.
I must have done something horrible
in a past life.
- What do you suggest we do?
- Nail Barbara Wylie.
That's easy. We've certainly thrown
the fear of God into her, haven't we?
We haven't.
That's why we're gonna nab her.
- Why is that?
- Because she's sure...
...she's got the two stooges licked.
She's gonna let up, make a mistake.
- We gotta rattle her cage.
- What will that get us?
- Second chance.
- What will that get us?
Evidence, Maddie. Evidence.
The kind that stands up in court.
The kind that sits down in jail.
The kind that crosses its legs in a bar.
- You with me or not?
- Crosses its legs in a bar?
Got a million of them. A moose goes in
a dentist's office and says, "Doctor..."
DR. CARON DISCOVERS
ANTIDOTE FOR STRESS
- How long do we have to sit here?
- Until we spot her.
You don't wanna do the
paper-in-the-lobby thing...
- ...you've no business in this business.
- I didn't say that.
Although it seems to me
your choice of paper--
You don't know what you're talking
about. You can't see around that thing.
At least I'm not ashamed.
Aren't you embarrassed?
- About what?
- That. That scandal sheet.
I love the scandal sheet.
"Is Jamie Lee Curtis a real girl
or a Russian experiment...
...created in a laboratory to incite
the American males?"
- I wanna know.
- Someone will hear.
"Have extraterrestrials left a
secret message for earthlings...
...under Sylvester Stallone's
pectoral?" I wanna know.
"Is Jane Pauley having
David Hartman's baby?"
- Is she?
- Cab for Mrs. Wylie.
Come on.
- What do we do now?
- We get a cab of our own.
Thanks for the use
of the hall, chief.
There's an extra 50 for you
if you keep that cab in sight.
You mind telling me what you hope
to learn from this excursion?
Maybe nothing. Maybe something.
Murder is a messy business, Maddie.
And Whistler's wife here
doesn't strike me as an old pro.
I got a hunch that she left
some little detail unattended.
And now that she knows
we're on to her...
...maybe she'll attend to it.
- While we watch?
- Stranger things have happened.
Speaking of strange, you got
something on your mind, don't you?
I have a terrible confession to make.
I believed Barbara Wylie back there.
Yeah, well, that's why
you got me around. I didn't.
She seemed so sincere. So honestly
confused by everything we said.
Look at this.
We got us a real barracuda here.
Didn't want the cab company to have
a record of where she was going.
Talk to me some more
about sincerity.
That's quite a chassis
she's got under that hood.
Look.
She almost got away with it.
Don't turn. We're gonna wait here
a second, all right?
That's that.
She's guilty as sin, isn't she?
Looks that way.
- Think she'll pay us anyway?
- I doubt it.
All right.
We'll see if we can find her car.
- Now what, call the police?
- Seems like that's the only thing left.
Finally get a client. A client walks
in the door of her own free will.
A case we can solve.
A fee we can earn.
Addison.
Why is she coming back out
of the hotel?
- Where did the wiggle go?
- What?
Come on, walk with me.
STAIRS
What floor was
Barbara Wylie's room?
Fourth. Why are you asking?
It wasn't even in this wing.
What are you doing?
I wanna know what we--
I wanna know what we're doing.
We got nowhere to go,
nothing to do.
I figured we watch
Barbara Wylie get undressed.
- What?
- Don't be a snob.
It's here, it's free.
It's under the stars.
Pretend you're at a concert.
Remember what room number
she said she was in?
Four-seventeen.
And I think this is sick.
With any luck, you'll be right.
All right,
just keep your eyes right up there...
...and holler
when you see the lights on.
What is this supposed to prove?
The earth is round...
...you can't get pregnant
from a toilet seat...
...and for every action, there is
an equal and opposite satisfaction.
Just keep your eyes
peeled up there.
This is thrilling.
Maybe she went to buy a paper.
Maybe she's not in room 417.
- What makes you say that?
- That.
Why would she change rooms?
This is it. No one under 17 admitted
without parent or guardian.
She's a man.
I feel so used.
Ninety-nine, 100.
Now, 10 minutes on the speed bag
and hit the showers, slugger.
We're terrible detectives,
aren't we?
- Why do you say that?
- Because it's the truth.
- Because we're just awful detectives.
- We're not awful, just a little green.
I don't agree. We figured everything
out, we're just a little late.
That poor woman. Her husband
used us for a couple of patsies.
Congratulating ourselves
on following him.
- He wanted us to follow him. This case!
- Give it a break, will you?
- I won't. I didn't even want this case.
- I knew we'd get back to that.
- I didn't wanna keep this agency open.
- And that.
We should be concentrating on
what we're gonna do next.
What are we gonna be doing?
We have to get into Benjamin's room
and get that costume and wig.
How are we gonna do that?
Go to the desk?
If we get into Barbara's room,
get that key--
- And how do you propose to do that?
- I propose...
...that we find you a black dress
and a black veil.
- I knew it.
- Knew what?
Some partnership. You have stupid
ideas and I have to carry them out.
What am I doing?
It's 2:00 in the morning and we wasted
two days on this stupid thing.
I'd be better off
in business by myself.
Oh, really?
No, not really. Just forget I said it.
You were serious.
If I was serious,
I wouldn't have said to forget it.
If you weren't serious,
you wouldn't have said it at all.
You really don't wanna be
partners with me, do you?
I need a partner, you're a partner.
If I could pick any partner,
would I pick you?
- I don't know.
- When I think of the perfect person...
...to complement
my complex personality...
- ...you're not first to spring to mind.
- Springs to what?
- You know what your problem is?
- I fear I'm looking at it.
It makes you crazy
to think you need me.
- I don't need you.
- You do need me.
I'm your lifeline. Without me--
Without you I wouldn't be here
at 2:00 figuring out...
...how to prove a woman who seems
to have killed a man, didn't.
And a man
who seems to not have, did.
Without you, I wouldn't be
involved in this stupid case.
- Without you--
- What?
- Never mind.
- What?
- Never mind.
- No, I wanna hear it.
No, you don't.
You think you can do
a better job without me?
- I didn't say that.
- No, but you were thinking it.
How can you be smart about me
and stupid about everything else?
All right, fine!
I'll make it easy for you.
You clean this case up your way,
I'll clean it up my way.
- Good.
- Good.
- Fine.
- Fine. Okay, fine.
- Mrs. Wylie.
- Could I have my room key, please?
Here you go, Mrs. Wylie.
Oh, Mrs. Wylie.
I like your hair a lot better this way.
Hey, a nice caboose, toots.
- Yes?
- Room key, please, 223.
There you go.
You want a room key too.
Excuse me?
Oh, four. Four.
Four-one.
Four-one-seven.
Four-seventeen. Oh, I got it, 417.
There you go.
I guess there's no such thing
as an original idea.
- What are you doing here?
- Me? What are you doing here?
And why do you look
so much better than me?
Haven't you ever seen a man
coming out of the closet?
- Mrs. Wylie, we can explain.
- Everything.
- You were framed--
- For the murder of Frank Harbert.
- By your husband.
- By your husband.
Sorry, I lost my place.
She's taking this rather well,
don't you think?
What are you doing here?
One...
...two...
...three.
Now, why does he look
so much better than me?
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara.
Benjamin, what--? Why are you--?
So you could be accused
of the murder of Frank Harbert.
- And we'd swear to it.
- What are they talking about?
It wasn't supposed to end like this.
The only one that was supposed...
...to get hurt was Harbert.
He deserved to die. We knew that.
- What are you talking about?
- Don't you see?
So you were accused
of the murder.
What jury would convict a woman
who had had her face burnt off?
That's what the insanity defense
is all about, right?
I couldn't do it any longer.
Twelve years of marriage to a woman
who wouldn't let me see her.
I...
...couldn't do it.
I can't do it.
Stop that man!
Stop that man!
Stop that man.
Sorry, sir, are you finished?
I'm sorry, sir.
CAUTION
WET FLOOR
I'm really sorry--
Freeze!
Freeze!
Freeze!
Freeze!
Anybody wanna play Twister?
Miss DiPesto.
You hollered for me, Mr. Addison?
Agnes...
...take a letter.
- Dear David.
- Dear Maddie.
Last night, I may have said and done
some things that I regret.
These are the times
that try men's souls.
Are you and Mom having a fight?
Are you gonna leave us?
I hope not.
Why don't you go in my office
and watch television?
- What are we gonna do?
- About what?
First clump of dirt on your coffin.
I wanna be the one to throw it.
I'm sorry for all the things I did,
all the things I said.
I never had a man
put on a dress for me before.
And you say you've been around.
I'm sorry, partner.
You're forgiven, partner.
I'm glad you're my partner...
...partner.
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