Moone Boy (2012–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Unidentified Feckin' Objects - full transcript
'And the weather forecast today
is basically... rain.
'Lovely stuff, Wendy! And here's a
man who has a lovely day every day.
'It's David Bowie.'
Yes, you all smell.
The washing machine is broken.
So we're a big stinky family, OK?
Thank God. Thought it was just me.
I like that we all have
the same dank odour.
Like a group of otters. Otters?
Just looking for the positives.
A dessert storm?! Yes, please!
That's some tasty-sounding weather.
Why can't I live in Iraq, Mam?
Nobody's stopping you.
I bet this whole Iraq thing
blows over within the month.
He's got such good instincts on war.
Did you finish that new sign, love?
Yeah, the lettering's drying
outside in the garden.
Aliens in Boyle! Yes, please!
This is the best newspaper ever.
Crop circles, my hole.
That's just this radio fella
infiltrating everybody's minds.
I bet it was UFOs
that broke the washing machine.
Or it could be limescale.
Liam, before I forget,
the nursing home called.
We're behind on payments
for Grandad.
Ah, yeah. I'll wire over some
funds from my Swiss bank account.
It's grand. The money for the
new sign will be in by Friday.
Is the new sign the one that
Martin's donkey is licking outside?
Ah, for feck's sake!
Right, I'm off to Iraq.
I'll just stay here and chat.
And then we have Pluto over here.
A lovely big planet.
Which obviously
will always be a planet.
Hey, Padraic. Have you heard
about this crop circle stuff?
Have I?
I don't know. That's why I asked.
Yes, I have.
And I haven't been this excited
since I enlisted
to fight in Dessert Storm!
..the vast cosmic jacks
that is the sun.
Hey! Wanna go to the magic field
tonight
and see if the aliens come back?
Do I? I don't know. Do you?
Yes, I do.
Is your washing machine broken too?
Moone, wheesht.
Hello?
What? I can't... Your voice
is so fast and high-pitched.
'Your donkey's in the bank.'
I don't know what happened.
I'm really sorry about the mess.
Speaking of messes, I was having
a look at your accounts there.
It's been a slow year, Kevin.
Not to worry, Liam -
at least one member of the Moones
is still making deposits!
Ha, yes.
Even if it's from his arse.
Yes, got that, Kevin.
C'mon, Donkey Kong. C'mon.
'Password?'
One, one, one... one, one.
'It's six digits, Gerry.'
One?
If it's a secret meeting, we should
take the sign down, shouldn't we?
Bonner. Glad you could make it.
Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake
of asking my boys to wash my car.
Why did that make you late?
They filled up my petrol tank
with Fairy Liquid, to spite me.
I take it you've seen the paper?
I have.
It's a PR disaster, Gerry.
This whole UFO nonsense is drowning
out Boyle's clear tourism message.
I still think
that's still too pushy.
Tourists are not going to come here
if the place is littered with UFOs.
They want to go fishin', or walkin',
or even prayin'.
They don't wanna be feckin' abducted.
MURMURS
Well, the murmurs of approval
seem to be with you, Mayor.
And it's sacrilegious. There's no
mention of Martians in the bible.
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and ET.
You're right there.
This Doctor Gnot has the whole town
driven crazy
with his silly little radio show.
But what can we do to stop him?
Gerry, we are the most powerful men
in Boyle.
And just outside of Boyle.
We can do whatever
the feckin' hell we like.
I mean... what specifically?
Let's shoot him dead.
Sorry, Frank, I didn't see ya there.
I was in the bog.
Who are we talking about?
'Welcome back,
fellow earthlings,
'to Believe It Or Not
with Dr Steven Gnot.
'Tonight we've asked...
are we alone?'
Is this tiny planet of ours dancing
solo in the giant disco of space?
I doubt it. And so does De Burgh!
Oh, I can't wait to see an alien
in the flesh.
Or whatever it is they have.
Wheee!
Argh! My eye! My precious
sideways-opening eye!
Here, take one of mine. I poo eyes!
Where are these bloody aliens?
We've been here nearly ten minutes!
It's time to break out the big guns.
This should do the trick.
It won't come to that, Liam.
If they don't get his rent,
the nursing home will send Dad back
to his own house,
where he'll discover
baby Rose has taken his room.
And you know how he feels about
babies. He calls them flesh devils.
So they'll move back to the house,
and I'll have to hide out here
staring at my bloody idle hands.
Yeah, if only there was something
useful you could do with your hands.
It's just hard to look professional
when you're pulling an animal
out of a bank.
Na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na.
That tune is pretty effective.
We come in peace.
Unless you're violent,
in which case we leave in haste.
No fear needed, oh, fellow holders
of inquisitive minds.
You sound like that radio fella.
Your ears are as sharp as your hat,
my tin-foiled friend.
We're looking for aliens.
I fear we are a night too late.
Grand, think I'll head home, so.
Yeah, my toes are catching a chill.
Be not discouraged,
my intrepid young imagineers.
Though tonight we have not been
graced by the presence
of our galactic neighbours,
we are on the cusp
of a celestial street party,
the likes of which
can only be imagined...
Oh, they've gone!
Oh, they've been taken up!
Steven, you always bloody miss it!
Na, na, na, na, na.
Oh, there they are. Stop being
so hard on yourself, Steven.
Oh, I left the bloody car lights on!
Good morning, Earth woman.
Good morning, Moone... boy.
That's a pretty cool...
Hey, where's Donkey Kong?
Has he escaped again?
But I tied him up really well.
Argh!
Bloody hell, Martin.
He's always escaping!
Argh!
Frustrating... is what it is.
Have you seen my donkey, Mister?
He answers to the name
of Donkey Kong.
Or any name, if you shout it
at him loud enough.
Nah, I haven't seen him.
I could do ya a deal
on a blind and deaf goat?
No, thanks. Your loss.
Whoa! How good a deal?
I just can't believe he'd run away.
He was so happy here.
He seemed so excited
about our future together.
Unless... You didn't get rid of him,
did you, Dad?
What? No! Of course not.
I know how much you love
Donkey Kong.
He's my best friend
in the whole world.
Ouch. Ouch.
You swear? You swear on your grave?
I don't have a grave, Martin.
Swear on Sinead's life then.
Why do you always get him
to swear on MY life?
Last in, first out.
Look, I know it's hard, Martin, but
sometimes things just... vanish.
What?!
Grown donkeys don't just vanish.
I smell a rat.
We all smell rats.
It's just the otter odour!
This is me watching you.
With my fingers.
Stop looking at me like that.
Now they're pointing over there.
Oh, kettle!
'So you've been hit
by lightning 17 times?
'Remarkable. You're like
a human lightning rod.
'And it's especially odd,
because my name IS Rod.
'Rod, this is too mysterious.
'Tell me, what do you do
for a living?
'I fix TV aerials. On mountain tops.
No clues there.
'More mysteries when we return...'
It's such a shame these unusual
events are in no way related.
It's all connected.
Yes! By those red lines
you've just drawn.
Open my flippin' guts!
I know where he is! Really?
My donkey was abducted by aliens.
How are ye, Liam?
Gerry-atric! How's it hangin'?
Long and limp, Liam.
But listen, I'm actually here
on a bit of business.
The town council are in talks to get
new street signs done this year.
Aw, that's great news, Ger.
Ah, yeah,
it'll be a real sign blitz.
I could use the money, to be honest.
Well, here's the thing, Liam.
It's looking like we may have to
go with... Chinese imports. No!
Don't, Liam, don't. My heart
is already broke with the guilt.
But the quality is so poor, Ger.
You know Drum Shambo tried them
and the signs turned up
written in Chinese.
Oh, I love that song.
Well, we've crunched the numbers,
you see, Liam,
and your prices are a little
on the steep side.
It would actually be cheaper
to get the whole town
to learn a little Mandarin. What?
But fret not, Liam, there may be
a solution. Anything, Ger.
I hear your donkey has
been abducted by aliens. Jesus!
The town council are a little
worried tourists might be put off
if they think that Boyle
has been infested with UFOs.
Well, that makes sense.
They're an odd bunch, Liam,
they're an odd bunch.
But I'm sure that if you were
able to subdue that UFO story,
I might be able to...
pull a few strings there.
No problem, Ger.
Martin, me old comrade.
Listen, we need to talk about
the whole donkey thing.
Amazing, isn't it, Dad? Front page!
What?
I prefer the picture they used
in the New York Times.
I can't believe
they abducted my donkey
while I was actually
out looking for them.
I mean, the one time we go out.
Feckin' donkey rustlers. Wonder what
they're doing to the poor fella.
Who knows? Maybe everything
in space is reversed.
Hey, what if Donkey Kong
is THEIR ruler?
What say ye,
donkey overlord? Yea or nay?
I think we know how that one goes.
Martin. Get in.
C'mon, buddy.
What do I always say
about getting in strangers' cars?
That I should do it?
That's right. Please don't kill him.
'Aliens, Bigfoot,
the Lough Key Monster!
'It's all silly silliness.
'Brought to you by Dr Steven Gnot.
'Actually, Father,
the big G is silent.
'The big G will never be silenced.'
So they're really going to
import signs from China?
I think Gerry can swing it my way.
So long as Martin shuts up
about feckin' aliens.
'And now for the counter-argument,
we have Martin Moone,
'whose donkey was recently
abducted by aliens.
'Thank you, Doctor, Father, Mother,
whoever's listening, really.
'Great to be here.
So, tell us, Martin...'
How do you know that your
donkey was abducted?
I just know. Sometimes you just know.
So now you're going on faith alone?
What kind of belief system is that?
Didn't you also... see it happen?
Sure. Why not?
Oh... Yes. I did see it happen.
That's how I just know.
So now you saw it?
Then enlighten us, Martin.
Tell us what happened.
That's what we're about to do,
if you'll shut up.
I woke up in the middle of the night
and I decided to go
for a walk in the garden.
'The ship soared down
over our garden, then stopped.'
Slowly but suddenly.
Right over Donkey Kong.
A big massive UFO. Lights everywhere.
But totally dark.
'But black as the night.'
Emitting nothing
but a deafening hum.
Which was completely silent.
Which made no sound at all.
Which was confusing.
Listen to his florid,
descriptive prose.
This is all your fault
for encouraging him to read!
And once the donkey-tractor-beam
had consumed my majestic mule,
the heavenly craft
returned to the stars,
as silently and loudly as it came.
What the feck?!
Hey, lads!
And so it was that Martin Moone
became a celestial celebrity.
Well done for having
your donkey abducted, Moone.
I can't take all the credit, lads.
The aliens did their part too.
He touched my hand!
But fame came with a price.
62247.
'We've got your dog.
Stop talking about UFOs
'or we'll kill him.'
I don't have a dog. 'Yes, you do.
'A little black and white fella.
Nametag says Benji.'
He sounds nice.
He's not mine, though.
'Do you have any pets?'
I have a donkey.
'We're gonna get your donkey.'
He's already been abducted by aliens.
'Ah, for feck...'
I was chatting to Beijing
there this morning, Liam.
They've a dozen 10-year-olds
with itchy fingers
over there ready to go.
I told you, I'll handle the UFO
thing, don't worry.
Be sure you do, Moone.
This is a fine workshop.
It would be a shame
if anything were to happen to it.
What does that mean?
General disrepair, Liam,
due to a lack of business.
What are you laughin' at?
Oops.
Sorry about that, Liam. Bloody work!
See ya at poker night.
Yeah, OK. Thanks. Bye-bye.
So, the nursing home
has discharged Grandad.
He's back at his house. Oh...
Dad, does that mean he's better now?
62247. 'We've got your brother.'
I don't have a brother.
Oh. Hi.
Sorry. Wrong house.
No, wait. This IS your house,
Grandad.
So are you the squatters, then?
Kinda. We're family.
62247.
'Yeah, hi, is this the residence
of Martin Moone?'
Is that you again? How's Benji?
'No, this is Cormack McCormack
from RTE news.
'I'm looking to speak to Martin.'
I can tell him, if you're going
to be a big girl about it.
I'll tell him, I'll tell him!
Martin, come in here.
We need to talk.
Martin? I'm gonna be on television!
UFO hats!
Get your UFO hats here.
Looks like you've got things
totally under control here, Liam!
This is my sarcastic tone!
I feel a little over-dressed, Mam.
All your clothes stink cos
of the broken washing machine.
Where did I even get this?
I think you forgot to return it
after you quit that chauffeur job.
That's right. See you out there.
Well, buddy, we had a fun fling
with radio.
But now it's time to go hit on
its big dumb sexy daughter.
Television, here I come, baby!
Last of the xylophones, lads!
Last of the xylophones.
What do you think of all
this UFO stuff? What's a UFO?
Martin, this is all wrong.
I can't let you do the interview
like this.
The hat's too much, isn't it?
You need to know the truth
about the donkey.
Do you know what a stud farm is?
Do I? I was raised on a stud farm.
Joke.
Shut up about the bloody UFOs!
Put down the gnome, Father!
Psst!
It's up to you now, Martin.
Don't be intimidated.
Don't let them shut you up
like they shut me up.
Oh, my God, they got you fired?
No, they just told me to shut up.
So I shut up.
Well, don't worry, Doctor.
Mam always says I never know
when to shut up.
Oh, I wish I had his courage.
The truth will only prevail when...
Shut up, Dr Gnot!
Sorry.
And once the ship had enveloped
the equine extractor,
it returned to the stars as quickly
and slowly and smoothly
and awkwardly as it came.
Wow. That's quite a story, Martin.
I mean, you couldn't make it up.
The thing is,
we have another source,
who tells us about the night you say
you saw the donkey being abducted.
An informant, if you will.
Who tells us that you were in fact
out in a field, looking for UFOs.
An informant?
You weren't actually here at all,
were you, Martin?
I...eh... So how could you know
that the donkey was abducted?
Or you just a lying little culchie?
That's exactly what he is!
Lying little culchie.
Well, we are culchies, but we're
not... A little bit, maybe.
No, I know... but... em...
Hit him, Martin! Just hit him!
Push over the camera
and we'll run to the border.
We'll make a new life in Leitrim!
No... I know they took him,
because... Because...?
Because I told him.
I didn't see that coming.
Excuse me?
I told him about the aliens
and everything.
And how would you know the aliens
abducted the donkey?
Because...
they abducted me too.
You lucky bastard!
'Ah, they were sound, yeah.
Middle-aged, I'd say.
'No teeth...
'two heads.
'when they were done with me,
'the spaceship dropped me off at
the house and headed off into...
'..space.
'Liam Moone there, a Roscommon
signwriter, abducted by aliens.
'The main news again.
'In Operation Dessert Storm...
Sorry, Desert Storm...'
I saw them too, you know. What?
The aliens. Shut up, you!
Well, I've lost the Sign Blitz
and disgraced myself publicly.
I guess things can't get any worse.
Hiya, Daddio!
Guess who's moving back?
I wish I was back in space.
Thanks to Liam's inadvertent
advertising,
Boyle became a UFO tourist hot-spot.
And the town council
finally embraced
its celestial selling point.
Though their new signs
made it tricky
to actually find the UFO sites.
Dr Gnot wrote a sci-fi bestseller,
inspired by Liam's alien encounter.
And as a thank-you, the good doctor
bought the Moones
a new washing machine.
Told you it was all connected.
I know that neigh!
Oh, and the donkey wandered home.
I tell you something -
thank God for your field, Tony.
If it wasn't for these crop circles,
none of this would have happened.
You know, the funny thing is, Gerry,
the only reason there's circles here
is I got a puncture
on the Massey Ferguson
and I just couldn't keep her
straight.
She just kept goin' round and round.
Right, well, it's probably best
if you keep that to yourself,
Tony, huh?
is basically... rain.
'Lovely stuff, Wendy! And here's a
man who has a lovely day every day.
'It's David Bowie.'
Yes, you all smell.
The washing machine is broken.
So we're a big stinky family, OK?
Thank God. Thought it was just me.
I like that we all have
the same dank odour.
Like a group of otters. Otters?
Just looking for the positives.
A dessert storm?! Yes, please!
That's some tasty-sounding weather.
Why can't I live in Iraq, Mam?
Nobody's stopping you.
I bet this whole Iraq thing
blows over within the month.
He's got such good instincts on war.
Did you finish that new sign, love?
Yeah, the lettering's drying
outside in the garden.
Aliens in Boyle! Yes, please!
This is the best newspaper ever.
Crop circles, my hole.
That's just this radio fella
infiltrating everybody's minds.
I bet it was UFOs
that broke the washing machine.
Or it could be limescale.
Liam, before I forget,
the nursing home called.
We're behind on payments
for Grandad.
Ah, yeah. I'll wire over some
funds from my Swiss bank account.
It's grand. The money for the
new sign will be in by Friday.
Is the new sign the one that
Martin's donkey is licking outside?
Ah, for feck's sake!
Right, I'm off to Iraq.
I'll just stay here and chat.
And then we have Pluto over here.
A lovely big planet.
Which obviously
will always be a planet.
Hey, Padraic. Have you heard
about this crop circle stuff?
Have I?
I don't know. That's why I asked.
Yes, I have.
And I haven't been this excited
since I enlisted
to fight in Dessert Storm!
..the vast cosmic jacks
that is the sun.
Hey! Wanna go to the magic field
tonight
and see if the aliens come back?
Do I? I don't know. Do you?
Yes, I do.
Is your washing machine broken too?
Moone, wheesht.
Hello?
What? I can't... Your voice
is so fast and high-pitched.
'Your donkey's in the bank.'
I don't know what happened.
I'm really sorry about the mess.
Speaking of messes, I was having
a look at your accounts there.
It's been a slow year, Kevin.
Not to worry, Liam -
at least one member of the Moones
is still making deposits!
Ha, yes.
Even if it's from his arse.
Yes, got that, Kevin.
C'mon, Donkey Kong. C'mon.
'Password?'
One, one, one... one, one.
'It's six digits, Gerry.'
One?
If it's a secret meeting, we should
take the sign down, shouldn't we?
Bonner. Glad you could make it.
Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake
of asking my boys to wash my car.
Why did that make you late?
They filled up my petrol tank
with Fairy Liquid, to spite me.
I take it you've seen the paper?
I have.
It's a PR disaster, Gerry.
This whole UFO nonsense is drowning
out Boyle's clear tourism message.
I still think
that's still too pushy.
Tourists are not going to come here
if the place is littered with UFOs.
They want to go fishin', or walkin',
or even prayin'.
They don't wanna be feckin' abducted.
MURMURS
Well, the murmurs of approval
seem to be with you, Mayor.
And it's sacrilegious. There's no
mention of Martians in the bible.
It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and ET.
You're right there.
This Doctor Gnot has the whole town
driven crazy
with his silly little radio show.
But what can we do to stop him?
Gerry, we are the most powerful men
in Boyle.
And just outside of Boyle.
We can do whatever
the feckin' hell we like.
I mean... what specifically?
Let's shoot him dead.
Sorry, Frank, I didn't see ya there.
I was in the bog.
Who are we talking about?
'Welcome back,
fellow earthlings,
'to Believe It Or Not
with Dr Steven Gnot.
'Tonight we've asked...
are we alone?'
Is this tiny planet of ours dancing
solo in the giant disco of space?
I doubt it. And so does De Burgh!
Oh, I can't wait to see an alien
in the flesh.
Or whatever it is they have.
Wheee!
Argh! My eye! My precious
sideways-opening eye!
Here, take one of mine. I poo eyes!
Where are these bloody aliens?
We've been here nearly ten minutes!
It's time to break out the big guns.
This should do the trick.
It won't come to that, Liam.
If they don't get his rent,
the nursing home will send Dad back
to his own house,
where he'll discover
baby Rose has taken his room.
And you know how he feels about
babies. He calls them flesh devils.
So they'll move back to the house,
and I'll have to hide out here
staring at my bloody idle hands.
Yeah, if only there was something
useful you could do with your hands.
It's just hard to look professional
when you're pulling an animal
out of a bank.
Na, na, na, na, na.
Na, na, na, na, na.
That tune is pretty effective.
We come in peace.
Unless you're violent,
in which case we leave in haste.
No fear needed, oh, fellow holders
of inquisitive minds.
You sound like that radio fella.
Your ears are as sharp as your hat,
my tin-foiled friend.
We're looking for aliens.
I fear we are a night too late.
Grand, think I'll head home, so.
Yeah, my toes are catching a chill.
Be not discouraged,
my intrepid young imagineers.
Though tonight we have not been
graced by the presence
of our galactic neighbours,
we are on the cusp
of a celestial street party,
the likes of which
can only be imagined...
Oh, they've gone!
Oh, they've been taken up!
Steven, you always bloody miss it!
Na, na, na, na, na.
Oh, there they are. Stop being
so hard on yourself, Steven.
Oh, I left the bloody car lights on!
Good morning, Earth woman.
Good morning, Moone... boy.
That's a pretty cool...
Hey, where's Donkey Kong?
Has he escaped again?
But I tied him up really well.
Argh!
Bloody hell, Martin.
He's always escaping!
Argh!
Frustrating... is what it is.
Have you seen my donkey, Mister?
He answers to the name
of Donkey Kong.
Or any name, if you shout it
at him loud enough.
Nah, I haven't seen him.
I could do ya a deal
on a blind and deaf goat?
No, thanks. Your loss.
Whoa! How good a deal?
I just can't believe he'd run away.
He was so happy here.
He seemed so excited
about our future together.
Unless... You didn't get rid of him,
did you, Dad?
What? No! Of course not.
I know how much you love
Donkey Kong.
He's my best friend
in the whole world.
Ouch. Ouch.
You swear? You swear on your grave?
I don't have a grave, Martin.
Swear on Sinead's life then.
Why do you always get him
to swear on MY life?
Last in, first out.
Look, I know it's hard, Martin, but
sometimes things just... vanish.
What?!
Grown donkeys don't just vanish.
I smell a rat.
We all smell rats.
It's just the otter odour!
This is me watching you.
With my fingers.
Stop looking at me like that.
Now they're pointing over there.
Oh, kettle!
'So you've been hit
by lightning 17 times?
'Remarkable. You're like
a human lightning rod.
'And it's especially odd,
because my name IS Rod.
'Rod, this is too mysterious.
'Tell me, what do you do
for a living?
'I fix TV aerials. On mountain tops.
No clues there.
'More mysteries when we return...'
It's such a shame these unusual
events are in no way related.
It's all connected.
Yes! By those red lines
you've just drawn.
Open my flippin' guts!
I know where he is! Really?
My donkey was abducted by aliens.
How are ye, Liam?
Gerry-atric! How's it hangin'?
Long and limp, Liam.
But listen, I'm actually here
on a bit of business.
The town council are in talks to get
new street signs done this year.
Aw, that's great news, Ger.
Ah, yeah,
it'll be a real sign blitz.
I could use the money, to be honest.
Well, here's the thing, Liam.
It's looking like we may have to
go with... Chinese imports. No!
Don't, Liam, don't. My heart
is already broke with the guilt.
But the quality is so poor, Ger.
You know Drum Shambo tried them
and the signs turned up
written in Chinese.
Oh, I love that song.
Well, we've crunched the numbers,
you see, Liam,
and your prices are a little
on the steep side.
It would actually be cheaper
to get the whole town
to learn a little Mandarin. What?
But fret not, Liam, there may be
a solution. Anything, Ger.
I hear your donkey has
been abducted by aliens. Jesus!
The town council are a little
worried tourists might be put off
if they think that Boyle
has been infested with UFOs.
Well, that makes sense.
They're an odd bunch, Liam,
they're an odd bunch.
But I'm sure that if you were
able to subdue that UFO story,
I might be able to...
pull a few strings there.
No problem, Ger.
Martin, me old comrade.
Listen, we need to talk about
the whole donkey thing.
Amazing, isn't it, Dad? Front page!
What?
I prefer the picture they used
in the New York Times.
I can't believe
they abducted my donkey
while I was actually
out looking for them.
I mean, the one time we go out.
Feckin' donkey rustlers. Wonder what
they're doing to the poor fella.
Who knows? Maybe everything
in space is reversed.
Hey, what if Donkey Kong
is THEIR ruler?
What say ye,
donkey overlord? Yea or nay?
I think we know how that one goes.
Martin. Get in.
C'mon, buddy.
What do I always say
about getting in strangers' cars?
That I should do it?
That's right. Please don't kill him.
'Aliens, Bigfoot,
the Lough Key Monster!
'It's all silly silliness.
'Brought to you by Dr Steven Gnot.
'Actually, Father,
the big G is silent.
'The big G will never be silenced.'
So they're really going to
import signs from China?
I think Gerry can swing it my way.
So long as Martin shuts up
about feckin' aliens.
'And now for the counter-argument,
we have Martin Moone,
'whose donkey was recently
abducted by aliens.
'Thank you, Doctor, Father, Mother,
whoever's listening, really.
'Great to be here.
So, tell us, Martin...'
How do you know that your
donkey was abducted?
I just know. Sometimes you just know.
So now you're going on faith alone?
What kind of belief system is that?
Didn't you also... see it happen?
Sure. Why not?
Oh... Yes. I did see it happen.
That's how I just know.
So now you saw it?
Then enlighten us, Martin.
Tell us what happened.
That's what we're about to do,
if you'll shut up.
I woke up in the middle of the night
and I decided to go
for a walk in the garden.
'The ship soared down
over our garden, then stopped.'
Slowly but suddenly.
Right over Donkey Kong.
A big massive UFO. Lights everywhere.
But totally dark.
'But black as the night.'
Emitting nothing
but a deafening hum.
Which was completely silent.
Which made no sound at all.
Which was confusing.
Listen to his florid,
descriptive prose.
This is all your fault
for encouraging him to read!
And once the donkey-tractor-beam
had consumed my majestic mule,
the heavenly craft
returned to the stars,
as silently and loudly as it came.
What the feck?!
Hey, lads!
And so it was that Martin Moone
became a celestial celebrity.
Well done for having
your donkey abducted, Moone.
I can't take all the credit, lads.
The aliens did their part too.
He touched my hand!
But fame came with a price.
62247.
'We've got your dog.
Stop talking about UFOs
'or we'll kill him.'
I don't have a dog. 'Yes, you do.
'A little black and white fella.
Nametag says Benji.'
He sounds nice.
He's not mine, though.
'Do you have any pets?'
I have a donkey.
'We're gonna get your donkey.'
He's already been abducted by aliens.
'Ah, for feck...'
I was chatting to Beijing
there this morning, Liam.
They've a dozen 10-year-olds
with itchy fingers
over there ready to go.
I told you, I'll handle the UFO
thing, don't worry.
Be sure you do, Moone.
This is a fine workshop.
It would be a shame
if anything were to happen to it.
What does that mean?
General disrepair, Liam,
due to a lack of business.
What are you laughin' at?
Oops.
Sorry about that, Liam. Bloody work!
See ya at poker night.
Yeah, OK. Thanks. Bye-bye.
So, the nursing home
has discharged Grandad.
He's back at his house. Oh...
Dad, does that mean he's better now?
62247. 'We've got your brother.'
I don't have a brother.
Oh. Hi.
Sorry. Wrong house.
No, wait. This IS your house,
Grandad.
So are you the squatters, then?
Kinda. We're family.
62247.
'Yeah, hi, is this the residence
of Martin Moone?'
Is that you again? How's Benji?
'No, this is Cormack McCormack
from RTE news.
'I'm looking to speak to Martin.'
I can tell him, if you're going
to be a big girl about it.
I'll tell him, I'll tell him!
Martin, come in here.
We need to talk.
Martin? I'm gonna be on television!
UFO hats!
Get your UFO hats here.
Looks like you've got things
totally under control here, Liam!
This is my sarcastic tone!
I feel a little over-dressed, Mam.
All your clothes stink cos
of the broken washing machine.
Where did I even get this?
I think you forgot to return it
after you quit that chauffeur job.
That's right. See you out there.
Well, buddy, we had a fun fling
with radio.
But now it's time to go hit on
its big dumb sexy daughter.
Television, here I come, baby!
Last of the xylophones, lads!
Last of the xylophones.
What do you think of all
this UFO stuff? What's a UFO?
Martin, this is all wrong.
I can't let you do the interview
like this.
The hat's too much, isn't it?
You need to know the truth
about the donkey.
Do you know what a stud farm is?
Do I? I was raised on a stud farm.
Joke.
Shut up about the bloody UFOs!
Put down the gnome, Father!
Psst!
It's up to you now, Martin.
Don't be intimidated.
Don't let them shut you up
like they shut me up.
Oh, my God, they got you fired?
No, they just told me to shut up.
So I shut up.
Well, don't worry, Doctor.
Mam always says I never know
when to shut up.
Oh, I wish I had his courage.
The truth will only prevail when...
Shut up, Dr Gnot!
Sorry.
And once the ship had enveloped
the equine extractor,
it returned to the stars as quickly
and slowly and smoothly
and awkwardly as it came.
Wow. That's quite a story, Martin.
I mean, you couldn't make it up.
The thing is,
we have another source,
who tells us about the night you say
you saw the donkey being abducted.
An informant, if you will.
Who tells us that you were in fact
out in a field, looking for UFOs.
An informant?
You weren't actually here at all,
were you, Martin?
I...eh... So how could you know
that the donkey was abducted?
Or you just a lying little culchie?
That's exactly what he is!
Lying little culchie.
Well, we are culchies, but we're
not... A little bit, maybe.
No, I know... but... em...
Hit him, Martin! Just hit him!
Push over the camera
and we'll run to the border.
We'll make a new life in Leitrim!
No... I know they took him,
because... Because...?
Because I told him.
I didn't see that coming.
Excuse me?
I told him about the aliens
and everything.
And how would you know the aliens
abducted the donkey?
Because...
they abducted me too.
You lucky bastard!
'Ah, they were sound, yeah.
Middle-aged, I'd say.
'No teeth...
'two heads.
'when they were done with me,
'the spaceship dropped me off at
the house and headed off into...
'..space.
'Liam Moone there, a Roscommon
signwriter, abducted by aliens.
'The main news again.
'In Operation Dessert Storm...
Sorry, Desert Storm...'
I saw them too, you know. What?
The aliens. Shut up, you!
Well, I've lost the Sign Blitz
and disgraced myself publicly.
I guess things can't get any worse.
Hiya, Daddio!
Guess who's moving back?
I wish I was back in space.
Thanks to Liam's inadvertent
advertising,
Boyle became a UFO tourist hot-spot.
And the town council
finally embraced
its celestial selling point.
Though their new signs
made it tricky
to actually find the UFO sites.
Dr Gnot wrote a sci-fi bestseller,
inspired by Liam's alien encounter.
And as a thank-you, the good doctor
bought the Moones
a new washing machine.
Told you it was all connected.
I know that neigh!
Oh, and the donkey wandered home.
I tell you something -
thank God for your field, Tony.
If it wasn't for these crop circles,
none of this would have happened.
You know, the funny thing is, Gerry,
the only reason there's circles here
is I got a puncture
on the Massey Ferguson
and I just couldn't keep her
straight.
She just kept goin' round and round.
Right, well, it's probably best
if you keep that to yourself,
Tony, huh?