Moone Boy (2012–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Bells 'n' Smells - full transcript
With Grandad now back in his own home Fidelma, Dessie and Rose return to the overcrowded Moone household. But Dessie hits on a sure fire way to earn money to buy his own place - by opening a Catholic bookshop , though when it is noted that there are other religions, he sets about providing literature for them as well - except for anything Protestant. A despairing Liam sees a more sensible alternative to ease the overcrowding - by building an extension, and an excited Martin takes advantage of the building materials at his disposal to make improvements to his own self-styled penthouse.
They say an army
marches on its stomach,
and with the whole Moone and Dolan
clan back under one roof,
it was left to Liam and Debra
to fill the bellies
of their brimming battalion like a
jolly big bursting colostomy bag.
This breakfast is in real danger
of turning into a brunch, Dad.
You'd think
we had no better options.
We should just invest in a trough
and be done with it.
Or build a stable in the garden and
take turns throwing them pigs' guts.
C'mon folks, less banter,
more bacon.
Maybe we should put on
our dinner jackets.
There's my no tip.
Martin had the joy of rooming
with both Sinead and Trisha
since the Dolans returned.
Although the sisterly space
became a little tense
when their special lady seasons
synced.
What are you looking at?
Nothing. You look... normal.
You're putting too much on.
You look like a spotty ghost.
How else am I supposed to
cover them up?
Big paper bag over your head?
Do you want to die, boy?
Well, get out, then.
Aw, balls! Fourth in the queue.
Lucky I just peed a bit in terror.
I think queuing for the toilet makes
the house feel like a rock concert.
Like we're at Glaston-Boyle!
This is ridiculous. We were supposed
to be out of here months ago.
I don't want to live in a house
where you need a wrist-band
to use the toilet. I know.
I just need my one million-dollar
idea to take off.
Yeah, but while we're waiting for
Potato Patch Dolls to catch on...
Any minute! ..can't you just get
some more shifts
playing music at the hospital?
I've asked, but of course
everyone started pointing fingers
at muggins here when the
patient suicide rate went up.
Look, don't worry, pet,
I'll think of something. I promise.
Right after I have
a nice quick bath.
Oh, for...!
Lads, I'd leave it.
Couple of weeks at least.
See how things look in the new year.
That is classic Moone-Stock, baby!
Oh!
Dessie, did you have
two baths again?
Restrain your bowels, my love -
I've got huge news!
When I was in the tub there,
waiting for my second bath to fill,
a vision came to me.
And it's a vision
that's gonna make us rich!
I'm listening.
Everyone these days is talking
computers, computers, computers.
It's all I hear.
I read an article in the Sacred
Heart about them putting the Bible
on a computer and people reading it
wherever they were in the world.
And it got me to thinking,
this little planet of ours
is becoming social and I wanna get
in there before the bubble bursts.
I want to be part of a network
that weaves together great ideas
into a kind of...
Boyle Wide Web!
What are you talkin' about, Dessie?
Isn't it obvious? I'm going to
open a Catholic bookshop!
Oh, balls. That's even better
than what I was thinking.
They're never going to move out.
How quick do you think we could
build that stable in the garden?
He's like JR Ewing, this fella.
Why are you even here?
Liam makes a mighty brunch.
By the way, I'm lovin'
the sexy ghost look.
Ha! Ow!
I think I'll go eat in the hall.
Hello, is that the bank? 'Might be.'
Do you have such a thing
as a manager? 'Might do.'
This gig is getting all a bit
moshpit-y for my liking, buddy.
We need to get our own space, away
from those menstruating maniacs.
I'd love to, Sean, but
relocating is really stressful. Mmm.
Arrghh! Me legs!
Arrghh! Me head!
Arrghh! Me eyes!
Hey! What about up there?
That's a nice comfy-looking
ceiling, all right.
If only we could defeat
our old nemesis, gravity.
No, no, I meant the attic, Martin.
Oh, right.
On a mission for planning
permission, Liam went to do battle
with Boyle's most stringent
building supervisor.
Ah! It's yourself, Liam.
Well, now. You look far too stressed
for one so handsome.
How are ye, Gerry? Actually, I'm here
on a bit of a business matter.
Oh, right. Let me retrieve
that embrace I forced upon you.
Gone! I was looking for some
advice on planning permission, Gerry.
Ask away.
We're looking to build an outhouse
for some errant offspring.
Kind of a get-out-of-our-house
house.
Well, what I wouldn't give for
an overloaded dwelling, Liam.
It's an empty old home
with the wife away.
Geraldine gone again, Ger?
Another business trip with her boss.
That's nice. Where to this time?
Paris, I think she said.
Paris?
What does she do again?
She's the secretary
down at the dump.
Right.
Just her and her boss, is it?
That's right.
But it's hard, Liam. Sure, they only
got back from the Alps last Tuesday
and they're off
to the Caribbean for Christmas.
Work is work, but it puts
an awful strain on things.
Y'know, all the travel affects
the old intimacy. Sex.
Yes. Got that, Ger.
She can barely look at me
when she gets home, Liam.
The work has her so...
Shagged out, probably.
Nail on the head.
You know, it might be worth talkin'
to someone about that, Ger.
And with Debra doing
the counselling thing...
That's right. I thought I saw one
of her fliers in the phone box.
Maybe you could talk to her?
Hold on a second there now, Liam.
Hold on a second there now, Liam.
Are you trying to bribe me for
planning with your wife's services?
That seems fair, actually.
Cup of tea and a bun? Yep.
Did I say bun?
I meant peach schnapps.
Hey, Sean, are you sure no
non-living lodgers live up here?
What, in the haunted attic?
Surely not.
It's me! You're the one imagining
me, ya big eejit!
Hey, beard-face!
Oh!
You scared the logic right outta me!
Hey, not too shabby.
I think we've found our new home,
Sean Murphy.
Yeah. Oh...
And your old bed-wetting sheet.
Pretty gross.
Well...
I think it's a brilliant idea.
Books are all the rage.
It would actually be criminal of me
NOT to give you a loan.
Well, that is music
to my musical ears.
You'll be the first man to get
a special deal on a new bible
when we're up and running.
No, no, no, no, no. Sure, I'm Jewish.
Oh.
Oh, well, Jesus was Jewish.
We all make mistakes.
You got that right.
Now, loan-wise,
what are we talking here?
Well, I've done some homework,
and taking rent, inventory
and outventory into account...
Don't drown me with detail.
I thought this figure would see us
through our first three months.
Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
This figure seems more realistic.
That's twice the number
I was asking for.
It's the '90s, Des. There's
plenty more where that came from.
It's just... I don't know how
I'll pay that amount back,
Mr Leech.
# Double and deal
It's a steal
# Double and deal
Keepin' it real
# The interest rate is pretty high
# Double and deal
Double and deal
# I'm worried 'bout
my coffers dry
# But my empty palms
just make me cry
# Double and deal
Double and deal
♪ You have yourself a deal,
Mr Leech! ♪
And that's how Ireland
did banking in the '90s.
How are ye, lads? We're looking
for something nice and spacious,
but we don't want to take up
too much of the garden.
Yeah, and we'd like it to flow.
You know?
A kinda modern... flow.
Flow, right. Gotcha. OK.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Right, it's a south-facing aspect.
So...
And then there's...
Ah, right.
That's good.
Um... is that it?
That's the overhead view. Ah, OK!
So what's the side view like?
Side view. Side view, side view.
I just think the whole flow...
This is the real one.
I see where you're going.
Um... is there not going to be
a window?
Oh, do you want a window?
Ooh-la-la!
You do know we're not building
a prison cell here, lads, right?
Ah, yeah. Sure, if it was a cell,
there'd be a little toilet here.
Actually, that's good. Maybe we
should have a toilet there.
Poo-la-la!
This is amazing, buddy.
An actual place of our own.
It's even got that new room smell.
Oh, God!
Yeah, I'm hoping that'll go away.
Shame we couldn't get
the old bed up here,
but this asbestos stuff
is working nicely.
Oh, yeah - asbestos is the bestos.
I feel cosy all the way
into my little lungs.
Oh, balls.
Morning, downstairs people. How's
life in the servants' quarters?
This is still a bungalow, Martin -
even if you've moved into the roof.
I believe everyone's calling it
Martin's Penthouse.
Trisha, this says
your mock leaving cert exams
start in three weeks.
Are you all set for them?
Er... yeah, all set. I mean,
it's all about timing.
At this stage, I don't want to be
over-prepared, you know.
Well, it's been a hectic year.
With the bloody baby and everything.
Worse case scenario, I suppose
you could just repeat your exams
and go to college
the following year.
So she WON'T be moving out?!
Does it happen to say on there
what my subjects are?
Well, I'm heading back
to Martin's Penthouse.
I'm gonna spruce it up a bit.
Could incorporate the en-suite
a little better.
What do you mean "en-suite"?
Well... the water tank.
Does this tea taste
a little wee-y to you?
No. But it smells like sh...
So this is our site?
That's right, my love.
This is where we're finally gonna
put Catholicism on the map.
Wonder what went wrong
for the last guys?
Who knows? A Valentine's Day
themed shop.
Wish I'd thought of that.
Dessie?
Ah, here's our new landlords now.
Folks, this is my wife, Fidelma.
Namaste. I'm Chandrashekhar.
Oh, that's a lovely name.
Does it mean something?
It means, "He who like Lord Shiva
holds the moon in his hair."
Everyone just calls him Shandy.
Ah, we're all partial
to a few of those.
Actually we've been meaning
to talk to you
about the nature of your shop.
Would it be possible to display
a few Hindu statues on the premises?
It will bring good luck
to the building.
Oh. Er... The previous tenants
were happy to do it.
Right. Didn't seem to bring
them much luck, though.
Well, it's your choice.
We can always discuss it again in
two months, when the lease is up.
No, no. That sounds like
a brilliant idea!
We could do with all the luck
we can get. Right, Dessie?
Sure, why not? Done.
Buddha bing, Buddha boom!
As you'd say.
If you were Buddhist.
And Italian.
Now, I'm no expert, lads,
but it seems fairly shallow
for a foundation, is all.
Sure, it's just four wee walls,
Liam.
There's very little weight
to support.
I suppose. And the roof, of course.
So... you want a roof, do you?
Ooh-la-la!
Yeah, let's throw a roof on her -
for the craic.
Thanks, lads.
What's the point of drawing
up detailed plans
if we don't stick to them?
It's turning into
Buckingham feckin' Palace!
I'm sure she would have come, Debra,
but she has a business lunch.
She's probably halfway through
a magnum of champagne by now.
Yeah. So... you brought
your boys instead?
I did, yeah. For moral support.
They're my rocks. Aren't you, lads?
OK, well, I've never really done
a single-spouse session before.
This is usually the bit
where I ask the wife
what she thinks is wrong.
Right. Well, I can probably answer
that one for you, Deb.
She's just not attracted to me
any more. Physically.
Probably because I'm going bald.
But you're not going bald, Gerry.
Oh, indeed I am, Debra.
Sure, look at me - I'm practically
a feckin' cue ball.
I really don't think you are.
He's a big fat baldy baby.
That's Geraldine's pet name for me.
Can I ask you, Gerry,
have you ever thought of
leading your marriage
in another direction?
I have, Debra, I have,
but being a Catholic, sure,
I can't go near
the old D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
They're 13, Gerry.
I'm sure they can spell that word.
No. No.
I think they use their stupidity
as a coping mechanism.
Well, they're not alone there.
They're not even switched on.
Meanwhile,
Martin was immersing himself
in the world of home improvement,
learning from the very best
in the Wild West.
Where'd you get the sand, Frank?
For the first time ever, even
Dessie was getting his hands dirty.
And fearing another year at home,
Trisha was hard at work too,
but was finding living on a building
site to be a little distracting.
I have a book at home. Ooh-la-la!
It's Trisha.
Your granddaughter.
Who's he?
Uptown, Dessie got acquainted with
the new owner of Boyle Bank.
Peace be upon you, Des.
A pleasure to meet
a local entrepreneur. Oh.
Go raibh maith agat, Gundeep.
I must say, I'm so excited
by your new shop.
Finally, there'll be some decent
Sikh literature
available in the west of Ireland.
Yeah.
What? Have you thought about
opening a clothes section?
I'm so sick of buying my turbans
in Dunnes Stores.
One, two, three...
Oh.
And so, like Archimedes,
Dessie Dolan here had his
eureka moment in the bath.
Except his vision wasn't something
useless about sums. Oh, no.
He saw a bold, dynamic
new enterprise -
Boyle's first religious bookshop!
And so it gives me great joy to now
joyfully open... Joys R Us!
Wow. It's a lot less Catholic
than I thought it'd be.
It's less Catholic
than Trisha's room.
Did you see ouiji boards anywhere?
Mine's broken.
..which was nice,
but then the Jews had to flee
from there as well.
God, you've a lot of get-up-and-go,
haven't you? Fair play to you.
Tell me this much -
where do the Jews stand
on the whole D-I-V-O-R-C-E?
Well, for a start, I think most of
us would say it as a single word.
Right. Well, that puts you one
step ahead of Catholicism anyway.
Keep talkin'.
Ah, there you are, Father.
So what do you think of the place?
It's... lovely, Dessie. Yes.
Although I suppose I was expecting
something a bit more...
Catholic. Don't worry, Father.
Follow me.
Wow! Spaceships, lizards... This
is nearly as mad as Catholicism.
Yeah, nearly.
I keep the good stuff in here..
I call it the Papal pantry.
Who knew there were so many
mad religions in Boyle?
Certainly not me.
But in the words of big J -
"Forbid him not - for he that
is not against us is for us."
By which I think he meant,
there's loads of religions,
but Catholicism is number one.
So your shop is going to remain
multi-faith?
A cacophony of catechisms, Father.
So there will also be
materials available for...
Protestants? God, no!
Of course not.
Oh, thank the Lord!
Good man, Dessie.
Well, Dessie, fair play to you.
You pulled it off.
Who'd have thought that my space
would connect with so many people?
So proud of my hot male. Yahoo!
Ooh, looks like there's
another ribbon to cut outside.
Unless that's some sort of
support structure.
Um, well...
Let's try not to judge it
till we've done the full tour.
Absolutely. Good idea.
Ooh, what have we here?
It's not as bad as it looks.
All it really needs
is a lick of paint.
There's no toilet!
There's no toilet in the toilet!
They told me they'd put in a toilet.
We definitely had a toilet!
Martin!
Well, the ventilation is good.
Look at this place!
Ooh-la-la! Parisian.
This has a lovely flow.
Oh! Hi, folks.
Welcome to the penthouse.
Would you mind taking off
your shoes? Oh, I just presumed...
It's a little cramped, but it's...
It's perfect.
Wait, what's happening?
Welcome to Microloft.
Really stretching the metaphor
there, lads.
Never even finished the mezzanine.
Cheer up, buddy.
We may have lost a bachelor pad,
but at least we gained a donkey den.
Lookin' good, Gerry! That new
religion has taken years off you!
Thanks, Breda. Mind yourself now,
or I'll be taking years off you!
What does that mean?
Just general flirting, Breda.
You're not lookin' too shabby
yourself there, Tony!
No more flaky scalp for me, Gerry!
Oh, sorry! Sorry. Sinead?
Allahu Akbar!
marches on its stomach,
and with the whole Moone and Dolan
clan back under one roof,
it was left to Liam and Debra
to fill the bellies
of their brimming battalion like a
jolly big bursting colostomy bag.
This breakfast is in real danger
of turning into a brunch, Dad.
You'd think
we had no better options.
We should just invest in a trough
and be done with it.
Or build a stable in the garden and
take turns throwing them pigs' guts.
C'mon folks, less banter,
more bacon.
Maybe we should put on
our dinner jackets.
There's my no tip.
Martin had the joy of rooming
with both Sinead and Trisha
since the Dolans returned.
Although the sisterly space
became a little tense
when their special lady seasons
synced.
What are you looking at?
Nothing. You look... normal.
You're putting too much on.
You look like a spotty ghost.
How else am I supposed to
cover them up?
Big paper bag over your head?
Do you want to die, boy?
Well, get out, then.
Aw, balls! Fourth in the queue.
Lucky I just peed a bit in terror.
I think queuing for the toilet makes
the house feel like a rock concert.
Like we're at Glaston-Boyle!
This is ridiculous. We were supposed
to be out of here months ago.
I don't want to live in a house
where you need a wrist-band
to use the toilet. I know.
I just need my one million-dollar
idea to take off.
Yeah, but while we're waiting for
Potato Patch Dolls to catch on...
Any minute! ..can't you just get
some more shifts
playing music at the hospital?
I've asked, but of course
everyone started pointing fingers
at muggins here when the
patient suicide rate went up.
Look, don't worry, pet,
I'll think of something. I promise.
Right after I have
a nice quick bath.
Oh, for...!
Lads, I'd leave it.
Couple of weeks at least.
See how things look in the new year.
That is classic Moone-Stock, baby!
Oh!
Dessie, did you have
two baths again?
Restrain your bowels, my love -
I've got huge news!
When I was in the tub there,
waiting for my second bath to fill,
a vision came to me.
And it's a vision
that's gonna make us rich!
I'm listening.
Everyone these days is talking
computers, computers, computers.
It's all I hear.
I read an article in the Sacred
Heart about them putting the Bible
on a computer and people reading it
wherever they were in the world.
And it got me to thinking,
this little planet of ours
is becoming social and I wanna get
in there before the bubble bursts.
I want to be part of a network
that weaves together great ideas
into a kind of...
Boyle Wide Web!
What are you talkin' about, Dessie?
Isn't it obvious? I'm going to
open a Catholic bookshop!
Oh, balls. That's even better
than what I was thinking.
They're never going to move out.
How quick do you think we could
build that stable in the garden?
He's like JR Ewing, this fella.
Why are you even here?
Liam makes a mighty brunch.
By the way, I'm lovin'
the sexy ghost look.
Ha! Ow!
I think I'll go eat in the hall.
Hello, is that the bank? 'Might be.'
Do you have such a thing
as a manager? 'Might do.'
This gig is getting all a bit
moshpit-y for my liking, buddy.
We need to get our own space, away
from those menstruating maniacs.
I'd love to, Sean, but
relocating is really stressful. Mmm.
Arrghh! Me legs!
Arrghh! Me head!
Arrghh! Me eyes!
Hey! What about up there?
That's a nice comfy-looking
ceiling, all right.
If only we could defeat
our old nemesis, gravity.
No, no, I meant the attic, Martin.
Oh, right.
On a mission for planning
permission, Liam went to do battle
with Boyle's most stringent
building supervisor.
Ah! It's yourself, Liam.
Well, now. You look far too stressed
for one so handsome.
How are ye, Gerry? Actually, I'm here
on a bit of a business matter.
Oh, right. Let me retrieve
that embrace I forced upon you.
Gone! I was looking for some
advice on planning permission, Gerry.
Ask away.
We're looking to build an outhouse
for some errant offspring.
Kind of a get-out-of-our-house
house.
Well, what I wouldn't give for
an overloaded dwelling, Liam.
It's an empty old home
with the wife away.
Geraldine gone again, Ger?
Another business trip with her boss.
That's nice. Where to this time?
Paris, I think she said.
Paris?
What does she do again?
She's the secretary
down at the dump.
Right.
Just her and her boss, is it?
That's right.
But it's hard, Liam. Sure, they only
got back from the Alps last Tuesday
and they're off
to the Caribbean for Christmas.
Work is work, but it puts
an awful strain on things.
Y'know, all the travel affects
the old intimacy. Sex.
Yes. Got that, Ger.
She can barely look at me
when she gets home, Liam.
The work has her so...
Shagged out, probably.
Nail on the head.
You know, it might be worth talkin'
to someone about that, Ger.
And with Debra doing
the counselling thing...
That's right. I thought I saw one
of her fliers in the phone box.
Maybe you could talk to her?
Hold on a second there now, Liam.
Hold on a second there now, Liam.
Are you trying to bribe me for
planning with your wife's services?
That seems fair, actually.
Cup of tea and a bun? Yep.
Did I say bun?
I meant peach schnapps.
Hey, Sean, are you sure no
non-living lodgers live up here?
What, in the haunted attic?
Surely not.
It's me! You're the one imagining
me, ya big eejit!
Hey, beard-face!
Oh!
You scared the logic right outta me!
Hey, not too shabby.
I think we've found our new home,
Sean Murphy.
Yeah. Oh...
And your old bed-wetting sheet.
Pretty gross.
Well...
I think it's a brilliant idea.
Books are all the rage.
It would actually be criminal of me
NOT to give you a loan.
Well, that is music
to my musical ears.
You'll be the first man to get
a special deal on a new bible
when we're up and running.
No, no, no, no, no. Sure, I'm Jewish.
Oh.
Oh, well, Jesus was Jewish.
We all make mistakes.
You got that right.
Now, loan-wise,
what are we talking here?
Well, I've done some homework,
and taking rent, inventory
and outventory into account...
Don't drown me with detail.
I thought this figure would see us
through our first three months.
Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy.
This figure seems more realistic.
That's twice the number
I was asking for.
It's the '90s, Des. There's
plenty more where that came from.
It's just... I don't know how
I'll pay that amount back,
Mr Leech.
# Double and deal
It's a steal
# Double and deal
Keepin' it real
# The interest rate is pretty high
# Double and deal
Double and deal
# I'm worried 'bout
my coffers dry
# But my empty palms
just make me cry
# Double and deal
Double and deal
♪ You have yourself a deal,
Mr Leech! ♪
And that's how Ireland
did banking in the '90s.
How are ye, lads? We're looking
for something nice and spacious,
but we don't want to take up
too much of the garden.
Yeah, and we'd like it to flow.
You know?
A kinda modern... flow.
Flow, right. Gotcha. OK.
Here's what I'm thinking.
Right, it's a south-facing aspect.
So...
And then there's...
Ah, right.
That's good.
Um... is that it?
That's the overhead view. Ah, OK!
So what's the side view like?
Side view. Side view, side view.
I just think the whole flow...
This is the real one.
I see where you're going.
Um... is there not going to be
a window?
Oh, do you want a window?
Ooh-la-la!
You do know we're not building
a prison cell here, lads, right?
Ah, yeah. Sure, if it was a cell,
there'd be a little toilet here.
Actually, that's good. Maybe we
should have a toilet there.
Poo-la-la!
This is amazing, buddy.
An actual place of our own.
It's even got that new room smell.
Oh, God!
Yeah, I'm hoping that'll go away.
Shame we couldn't get
the old bed up here,
but this asbestos stuff
is working nicely.
Oh, yeah - asbestos is the bestos.
I feel cosy all the way
into my little lungs.
Oh, balls.
Morning, downstairs people. How's
life in the servants' quarters?
This is still a bungalow, Martin -
even if you've moved into the roof.
I believe everyone's calling it
Martin's Penthouse.
Trisha, this says
your mock leaving cert exams
start in three weeks.
Are you all set for them?
Er... yeah, all set. I mean,
it's all about timing.
At this stage, I don't want to be
over-prepared, you know.
Well, it's been a hectic year.
With the bloody baby and everything.
Worse case scenario, I suppose
you could just repeat your exams
and go to college
the following year.
So she WON'T be moving out?!
Does it happen to say on there
what my subjects are?
Well, I'm heading back
to Martin's Penthouse.
I'm gonna spruce it up a bit.
Could incorporate the en-suite
a little better.
What do you mean "en-suite"?
Well... the water tank.
Does this tea taste
a little wee-y to you?
No. But it smells like sh...
So this is our site?
That's right, my love.
This is where we're finally gonna
put Catholicism on the map.
Wonder what went wrong
for the last guys?
Who knows? A Valentine's Day
themed shop.
Wish I'd thought of that.
Dessie?
Ah, here's our new landlords now.
Folks, this is my wife, Fidelma.
Namaste. I'm Chandrashekhar.
Oh, that's a lovely name.
Does it mean something?
It means, "He who like Lord Shiva
holds the moon in his hair."
Everyone just calls him Shandy.
Ah, we're all partial
to a few of those.
Actually we've been meaning
to talk to you
about the nature of your shop.
Would it be possible to display
a few Hindu statues on the premises?
It will bring good luck
to the building.
Oh. Er... The previous tenants
were happy to do it.
Right. Didn't seem to bring
them much luck, though.
Well, it's your choice.
We can always discuss it again in
two months, when the lease is up.
No, no. That sounds like
a brilliant idea!
We could do with all the luck
we can get. Right, Dessie?
Sure, why not? Done.
Buddha bing, Buddha boom!
As you'd say.
If you were Buddhist.
And Italian.
Now, I'm no expert, lads,
but it seems fairly shallow
for a foundation, is all.
Sure, it's just four wee walls,
Liam.
There's very little weight
to support.
I suppose. And the roof, of course.
So... you want a roof, do you?
Ooh-la-la!
Yeah, let's throw a roof on her -
for the craic.
Thanks, lads.
What's the point of drawing
up detailed plans
if we don't stick to them?
It's turning into
Buckingham feckin' Palace!
I'm sure she would have come, Debra,
but she has a business lunch.
She's probably halfway through
a magnum of champagne by now.
Yeah. So... you brought
your boys instead?
I did, yeah. For moral support.
They're my rocks. Aren't you, lads?
OK, well, I've never really done
a single-spouse session before.
This is usually the bit
where I ask the wife
what she thinks is wrong.
Right. Well, I can probably answer
that one for you, Deb.
She's just not attracted to me
any more. Physically.
Probably because I'm going bald.
But you're not going bald, Gerry.
Oh, indeed I am, Debra.
Sure, look at me - I'm practically
a feckin' cue ball.
I really don't think you are.
He's a big fat baldy baby.
That's Geraldine's pet name for me.
Can I ask you, Gerry,
have you ever thought of
leading your marriage
in another direction?
I have, Debra, I have,
but being a Catholic, sure,
I can't go near
the old D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
They're 13, Gerry.
I'm sure they can spell that word.
No. No.
I think they use their stupidity
as a coping mechanism.
Well, they're not alone there.
They're not even switched on.
Meanwhile,
Martin was immersing himself
in the world of home improvement,
learning from the very best
in the Wild West.
Where'd you get the sand, Frank?
For the first time ever, even
Dessie was getting his hands dirty.
And fearing another year at home,
Trisha was hard at work too,
but was finding living on a building
site to be a little distracting.
I have a book at home. Ooh-la-la!
It's Trisha.
Your granddaughter.
Who's he?
Uptown, Dessie got acquainted with
the new owner of Boyle Bank.
Peace be upon you, Des.
A pleasure to meet
a local entrepreneur. Oh.
Go raibh maith agat, Gundeep.
I must say, I'm so excited
by your new shop.
Finally, there'll be some decent
Sikh literature
available in the west of Ireland.
Yeah.
What? Have you thought about
opening a clothes section?
I'm so sick of buying my turbans
in Dunnes Stores.
One, two, three...
Oh.
And so, like Archimedes,
Dessie Dolan here had his
eureka moment in the bath.
Except his vision wasn't something
useless about sums. Oh, no.
He saw a bold, dynamic
new enterprise -
Boyle's first religious bookshop!
And so it gives me great joy to now
joyfully open... Joys R Us!
Wow. It's a lot less Catholic
than I thought it'd be.
It's less Catholic
than Trisha's room.
Did you see ouiji boards anywhere?
Mine's broken.
..which was nice,
but then the Jews had to flee
from there as well.
God, you've a lot of get-up-and-go,
haven't you? Fair play to you.
Tell me this much -
where do the Jews stand
on the whole D-I-V-O-R-C-E?
Well, for a start, I think most of
us would say it as a single word.
Right. Well, that puts you one
step ahead of Catholicism anyway.
Keep talkin'.
Ah, there you are, Father.
So what do you think of the place?
It's... lovely, Dessie. Yes.
Although I suppose I was expecting
something a bit more...
Catholic. Don't worry, Father.
Follow me.
Wow! Spaceships, lizards... This
is nearly as mad as Catholicism.
Yeah, nearly.
I keep the good stuff in here..
I call it the Papal pantry.
Who knew there were so many
mad religions in Boyle?
Certainly not me.
But in the words of big J -
"Forbid him not - for he that
is not against us is for us."
By which I think he meant,
there's loads of religions,
but Catholicism is number one.
So your shop is going to remain
multi-faith?
A cacophony of catechisms, Father.
So there will also be
materials available for...
Protestants? God, no!
Of course not.
Oh, thank the Lord!
Good man, Dessie.
Well, Dessie, fair play to you.
You pulled it off.
Who'd have thought that my space
would connect with so many people?
So proud of my hot male. Yahoo!
Ooh, looks like there's
another ribbon to cut outside.
Unless that's some sort of
support structure.
Um, well...
Let's try not to judge it
till we've done the full tour.
Absolutely. Good idea.
Ooh, what have we here?
It's not as bad as it looks.
All it really needs
is a lick of paint.
There's no toilet!
There's no toilet in the toilet!
They told me they'd put in a toilet.
We definitely had a toilet!
Martin!
Well, the ventilation is good.
Look at this place!
Ooh-la-la! Parisian.
This has a lovely flow.
Oh! Hi, folks.
Welcome to the penthouse.
Would you mind taking off
your shoes? Oh, I just presumed...
It's a little cramped, but it's...
It's perfect.
Wait, what's happening?
Welcome to Microloft.
Really stretching the metaphor
there, lads.
Never even finished the mezzanine.
Cheer up, buddy.
We may have lost a bachelor pad,
but at least we gained a donkey den.
Lookin' good, Gerry! That new
religion has taken years off you!
Thanks, Breda. Mind yourself now,
or I'll be taking years off you!
What does that mean?
Just general flirting, Breda.
You're not lookin' too shabby
yourself there, Tony!
No more flaky scalp for me, Gerry!
Oh, sorry! Sorry. Sinead?
Allahu Akbar!