Moone Boy (2012–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Fecks, Lies and Videotape - full transcript

To the untrained eye this may look
like just another bungalow. But to
the Moones it was home.

A fitting home, a tight fitting,
ill-fitting home that fit neither man
nor beast nor donkey.

Get up, Martin.
The donkey's loose again.

Aw, balls.

Martin's mule, who he'd
imaginatively christened Donkey Kong,

was the latest addition
to the Moone home.

Since his dad was too flippin' lazy
to build a stable, or even dig
a decent donkey-pit,

Martin's trusty steed had gotten
into the bad habit of wandering off.

Have you seen this donkey, mister?
No, I haven't,

but I could do you a good deal
on a blind goat?

No, thanks.
No? Your loss.



Whoa, how good a deal? How...

We've been looking for ages, Sean.
We're never gonna find Donkey Kong.

No, and you're absolutely sure
that's not him over there?

"Well, it looks like me."

Oh, yeah, that's him.
Yeah.

Another successful donkey hunt.

The other big change at home was
Fidelma, Dessie and Baby Rose had
finally spread their wings

and made a new nest of their very own
in Dessie's mother's house.

It's so weird not having them here
anymore, isn't it?

The place is so quiet. And fragrant.

Remember when Dessie started playing
his Casio at breakfast

and Dad threw a spoon at him?

It's his tears I miss the most.

D'you remember when Sinead stole
one of Fidelma's rashers



and she threw that hot tea in her
face? Oh, yeah. Agh.

Aw, good times.

We're baaa-ack!

Any nappies around, Mam? It's like
a poo fountain down there today.

Is this toast going spare?
Cheers, bro.

D'you remember how great it was

when we were all quietly remembering
things?

God, it smells so good in here.

Ah, the little dote finally soiled
herself to sleep.

Thanks, Mam. How are those rashers
lookin', Dad?

Turning them now, love.
Nice and crispy, yeah?

But medium crispy for me, please,
Daddio.

Are you sure you gave it a proper
chance at Dessie's mam's?

You were only there a week.

I don't know what the problem was.
I thought things were going great.

Well, Marie is lovely...
The loveliest.

But she's just not really
a baby person.

Mrs Dolan. Are you using
my breast pump as a dust-buster?

Well, I'm hardly going to use it as
a breast pump, now am I?

Those rivers have long run dry.

Wait... Where's Rose?

Oh, she said
she's having a nice bed.

Aw!

Why aren't you with her?
I don't need her bed.

Here, Martin, you're live on POD
News.

Any response to the rumours
you're a big eejit? No comment.

Whoa! Hi, Padraic!
Best birthday present ever, huh?

Wasn't it your birthday
three weeks ago?

It was, but whenever my parents are
fighting and forget it's my birthday

or I live with them or whatever,
I always get great presents.

God, I wish my parents hated each
other. Yeah, nothing beats a good
old "guilt gift".

Whoa. I'm on TV! "Who's bringing
the horse to France?"
"What ya talkin' about, Willis?"

I'm not great at accents.
"Shut up, you slag."

Whoa, missed a spot there,
Daddy Moone.

You're sure you wouldn't be more
comfortable inside, no?

Well, Fidelma's feeding Rose
and I don't like to be in

the same building when she's,
you know,

"juicing her bosom".

Listen, Dessie. It's lovely
having you all here.

With all of us.
Oh, you're welcome, Liam.

But, have you put any thought into
long-term living arrangements?

Well, obviously, I've already asked
Father Linehan,

but he seems a bit reluctant after
the whole "Godfather" debacle.

And now the godparents will take
their vows.

Do you renounce Satan?

Yes, I do.
I suppose.

Do you believe in God the Father,
creator of Heaven and Earth?

Yes, I do.
Not really.

That's why I became a priest.

Tonight,
on Watercolouring With Walter,

we will be doing seascapes,
lake-scapes, and puddle-scapes.

Yes! Do we have to watch this
rubbish? Shh!

Let your father watch his terrible
programme.

If we switch over, we may catch the end
of the Angelus. We are not switching over!

Even Rose doesn't like this muck.

Blob-alob-a-lob. Blob-alob-a-lob.

I think she's peckish.
Does anyone have you any peanuts?

Or a chewing gum?

# Little donkey, little donkey...

# On your dusty road...
The wonder of nature.

Oi! Forget it!

I'll just continue to go through
life painting lacklustre lakes.

Argh!

Priests are so stupid.

Cycling is hard.
Yeah.

Well, what a bunch of big flippin'
eejits we framed there.

Now, look,
if you send your films to us,

we'll pay you 250 quid
for every one that we show.

So, please, get them in. There's only
300 video cameras in Ireland

and we don't want to be showing
the same film again and again.

I'm only joking.
That'll never happen.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking,
buddy? Sure am.

I better go change that lightbulb in
my bedroom. No, no, wait. Just...

Keep thinking for a second.

Moo!

No.

Don't rush it.

That's just a shoe.
Be a little less stupid...

Wait. Wait.

Hold. Hold.

Wait a second.

There it is.

Have a look at these two.
These'll make you laugh.

It's a child falling off a bicycle
and a priest stumbling at the altar.

Are you alright, Dad?

Fidelma, look.
I love you, I truly do,

and it's lovely having you all here,

but d'you know
what'd be even better?

Having you someplace else.
What's happened, Liam?

Come in! Ah. How are you, Liam?
Be done in a jiffy.

Why did you say come in?
Ah, because you knocked.

I've been trying to get him out of
that habit.

Look, you're a family now, you
should have your own space.

Yeah, with locks, or clothes.
Or both.

Maybe we could convert Dad's
workshop -

Maybe you could have protected sex!

Wait. Could they not use Granddad's
house now he's in the nursing home?

Pfft. I don't know.
We wouldn't even have to tell him.

He wears the only key around his
neck. And he's a light sleeper.

Maybe you could bring the baby
to see him, try and talk him round.

That house would be perfect, Dad.

And I'd say the bats have migrated
by now. The bats?

A bit of a clean
and it'll be grand.

I'm not sure Dad will go for it. He's a bit
set in his ways. Ah, aren't we all?

We talked about locking the bathroom,
haven't we, Dessie?

Mammy always says, "Keep your heart
and your doors open to Jesus."

OK, but why so naked?

Ah, well, the thing is, Debra,
I was doing a number two.

We'll call Granddad in the morning.

Yeah, yeah, definitely a baby.
It's a new Moone, Granddad.

And what age is Martin now?
Erm... Rose is six months.

Her birthday will always help me
remember the wedding anniversary.

Oh, you got married?
I can't seem to remember that.

Well, you were there. We definitely
didn't... forget to invite you.

Oh, right.

Had I have a good time?

You were the life and soul of
the place.

Well, I am a great craic.
The nurses have all been saying

what a terrific addition to this
place you are.

Ah, sure, they're awful liars.
And thieves.

So, er, Granddad, we were thinking,
maybe, while you're here,

we might use your place.

Oh. Right. Well, that seems fine.

Only thing is, I'm not sure any
other babies live here.

No, Papa Moone,
we're talking about your house.

Oh, right. Let me get this straight.

You want me to move back into my old
house so ye can live here?

No, no, we were hoping we could live
in your house, and you'd just...

..stay here. Stay here.
Then I'd have no house.

It's just, we're all at Mam and Dad's
and it's so full of people...

I've always said, there's nothing
better than being around family.

But, the thing is...
You better go, family time is over.

Meanwhile, in Boylewood...

Got a nice wide shot here, boss.
It's a lovely light.

Great. Now all we need is some kind
of hilarious accident to happen.
Here we go. This'll be priceless.

OK, you've got to concentrate.
Keep your centre. Atta girl.

Terrific. How do you feel?
Great.

Oh, balls.

C'mon, gravity, do your thing.

It's weird,
because he's usually so unstable.

A priest! Oh, please fall or faint
or fart or something.

Oh, God.

Ah, balls.

Come on. Maybe we should
just try and fake it?

Fake a funny accident?
Wouldn't that be cheating?

Well, yeah, but for £250.
Yes, of course.

God, I nearly forgot about
the money. Let's fake it! Yeah!

Let's Milli Vanilli this! Ah!

The addition of the Dolan clan to the
Moone house gave the young Moones

the opportunity to spend even more
time together, which...

Argh!
What the... Argh!

What the hell is that?

What's what?
Argh!

Ah, the old night terrors, is it?

Night Terrors? What the flip? Ah,
sure, I hardly notice it any more.

Just kinda melts into my own sweet
dreams,

like a big violent Rice Krispie bun.
Why don't you wake her up?

Oh, there's no waking her up in that
state. She may as well be dead.

Which is ironic, because that's what
she often shouts about. Argh!

Brrr...

Did the baby wake you, too, pet?

No, I'm just sleeping next to
the girl from The Exorcist.

Pfff...
It's all that cheese she eats.

I'm not going to be the one who
takes away her nightly fondue.

How did I end up sharing a room with
a simpleton and a psychopath?

Don't make me feel bad.
Granddad left us with no option.

You dismissed living in the nursing
home too easily. Yeah.

We need to make him feel like
he's making the decision,

rather than being pushed into it.
Yeah, appeal to his charitable side.

We should make ourselves look like a
charity case. Like rural refugees.

We should invite him over and show
him how terrible it is here. Hi, there.

No, Mam, we'll make it look much
worse than it is.

So you're gonna lie to my father
so you can steal his house?

Or we could just stay here.
I'd happily die in this house.

What kind of rural refugees?

All right, boss? Hey, POD.
How's the best DOP in B-O-Y-L-E?

All good. The cast are in makeup and
the camera's locked and loaded.
I can smell our Academy Award.

So, where'd you find him
this mornin'?

Mass. I'm gonna have to start
locking him in the house.

That won't stop him.
He's a sucker for a sermon.

Colliding twins take one.
And... action!

Cut!

Collapsing chair take one.

And action!

Cut!

Colliding twins take three,
and action.

Cut.

Collapsing chair take flipping 12.

And action.

Cut. Did we get it?

Trevor was good,
the chair was a bit wooden.

Back at the Moone slum, our rural
refugees had convinced Granddad

to celebrate his birthday with them -

after somehow convincing him
it was his birthday.

With the family expanding
so quickly,

we have to use every inch of
the place.

I like it. It's got a real
"Butlins" feel to it. Yeah.

Sorry, they've cut off the power
again. Ah.

Come on in, Granddad.

Oh, best leave your coat on, Dad.

And your hands in your nice,
warm pockets. Oh.

Money's a bit tight right now, so
we've had to rent out the bedrooms.

Hey, handsome.
Do you wanna do something

a bit more fun with those big hands?

I'm grand, thank you.

If you change you mind,
there's a way special until six.

Hey, Jesus, we know we are not worthy
of this empty place.

Don't worry, the lodgers only use
the communal room on weekends.

Do you fancy a quick gamble, mister?
D'you have any jewellery? Or gold teeth?

I have pliers here!

Ah, there's the birthday boy.
Wanna help me pluck your starter?

Oh, hi, Granddad,
I didn't hear you come in.

I was just down at the well.
Oh, great work, love.

Looks like the jacks will be getting
a flush this week after all!

Oh, thank God.
Yeah.

Great job on the food. Really sells
the misery of the situation.

It's just my normal food.
What?

I know, I was just... Hey, whose
idea was the shockin' grub? Genius.

# For he's a jolly good fellow!
For he's a jolly good fellow!

# For he's a jolly good fellowwwww

♪ Which nobody can deny! ♪

Hey!

Thanks for doing all this, Fidelma.

We'd give you the bumps,
but we don't have the space.

Everything would be better
if we just had a bit more space.

And Rose can't sleep in this
cupboard forever.

No, she'd die.

Have you thought any more about us
moving into

your old, empty, unwanted house,
Papa Moone?

Why would you want to live in
that lonely old place?

Livin' here is like living in
a circus.

But I don't want to raise our child
in a circus.

When I was working on the building
sites in London in the '60s,

it was 15 lads to a room.

It was some night if a fella brought
a woman home.

I'd say it was.

Now, let's see if
I can split this 12 ways.

I don't know what else
we could've done,

short of putting holes in
the bloody roof.

Maybe if I'd put up more tents.
Or if I'd ruined the dinner.

Maybe if I'd acted a bit sluttier.

You were plenty slutty, Linda.
I was happy to go the whole hog.

Look, we were asking someone to just
give up his house.

That's a lot to ask. I couldn't give
up this place easily.

And we couldn't give ye up easily.

I could give Dessie up easily.

Your father's some poker player.

I thought he was bluffin'.

Come on, love.
Best head back into Beirut.

If you think you're gonna fall off
that chair,

or have a stroke or anything,
will you just let me know?

I think I'll use the bathroom.

None of this is good enough for TV.

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

What the flip?

Come in!

What goes in must come out.

Ah, sure.
We're never gonna get that money.

I've been thinking.
We've been tryin' to frame eejits,

who have all let us down, when we have
the biggest eejit I've ever met right here.

Me?
Well, I meant Padraic.

Oh, come on, worms, don't fight it.

But it's a close-run thing.

You think I should be
the star eejit?

Well, when you say it like that.
Yes, I do.

You're a genius, Sean.
Yes, I am.

Martin Moone, the hero of a bold,
hilarious, but totally safe stunt.

Yes, safety should be one of
our top ten priorities.

Here's what we'll do.
I'll jump onto the house

and pretend to be sweeping the roof.
Then Padraic yells, "Tea's ready,"

and I'll jump onto the ladder
to climb down. But the ladder leans
back, like it's toppling over.

Except it doesn't topple over and
I'm just left there wobbling,
looking like a big eejit.

But then I lean back, and it looks
like I'm going to die,

but Padraic brings Donkey Kong over

just in time and I land softly on
his back and we gallop off.

I like it. But is it ambitious
enough? I just don't know.

I'm sure Dessie would let you borrow
his clothes if you asked him nicely.

Saved you the last of the fig roll,
Granddad. Thanks, but I'd better go.

It's bingo night tonight and I've
rigged the balls.

All right, I'll drop you back, Dad.
Oh, and Fidelma. I've been thinking.

Maybe it would be best for you if
you took my house for a while.

Really?
You can't raise a child here.

I wouldn't rear my rear end
in this place.

That's great news, Dad.
Wait, Granddad, no.

I can't let you do this. This whole
thing today, it's not all it seems.

Oh, sure, I know that.
This house seems brilliant.

The whole "vintage" look
you've cultivated,

the pretty palm reader,
the friendly gamblers,

but then I see sleepscreamers, a
bedroom mule and a toilet streaker.

Did you set up any of that stuff?
No.

So, for Rose's sake,
I think you should have this.

Oh, I don't know, Granddad, this
place really isn't that bad.

Aw! Oh, balls!

I'm not even surprised by that.

Did you get it, Padraic?
And... action!

And so the time came for the Dolan
posse to ride off into the sunset.

C'mon, Martin, we've got to capture
this historic moment.

And like a classic Moone production,

their finale was in danger of turning
into a real tearjerker.

Come see us sometime, yeah?
Are you not coming in?

No. We...

We'll leave you to it.

Yeah.

OK.

Come on.

Wait.

Would you mind if we stayed at home
tonight?

Come on, love, don't be afraid,
your life is yours to live now.

No, we need an exterminator.
The place is full of bats.

Ah, and that's a wrap.

Argh! Argh!

My hair! My beautiful hair!

Ha-ha! What about that? A simpleton
staggering about

with a bat in his hair.

Fantastic. Look, we've even better
stuff coming up.

We have a child falling off
a bicycle,

and we have a priest stumbling at
the altar,

and a simpleton with a bat in
his hair.

Argh! Argh! My hair!