Moone Boy (2012–2015): Season 3, Episode 2 - The Plunder Years - full transcript

They say a happy hen makes a happy egg.

But all it takes to stink up a hen house is one bad egg

or a cock with diarrhoea.
Thanks for tuning in.

Pat. Jesus.
Are you all right?

I'm sorry to call so early, Debra.
But I'm looking for Padraic.

I think he's run away.

Oh God. Don't worry, love.

Kids wander off all the time, but ...

... they always find their way home.
They are like cats.

Padraic loved cats.

Pat. Come on in, come on, love.
It'll be OK.



Martin! Padraic's run away.
Go on and find him, will you?

- He's run away?
- Without us? That big Judas.

What does he know about running away?
We invented running away!

Yes, that's our thing.
We ran home from holidays.

But why would anyone run away from Boyle?

That just makes no sense!

It seems very unlike Padraic.

Running away is just so reckless and athletic.

Things have been a little bit tense at home lately

Between myself and Paddy

It's such a quiet house these days...

...and I think Padraic just
finds all the long silences quite upsetting.

Plus all the shouting and screaming.
That seems to really bother him too.

I know on the outside Padraic seems...



... to have such a hard almost brutal and tough shell...

... but underneath he's quite a sensitive soul.

Don't worry, love.
I'm sure Martin will track him down in no time.

He loves a good manhunt.

What we've got here is a fugitive.

Average running and skipping speed
for Padraic...

... is one mile an hour ...

... not including time napping and chasing squirrels ...

... That gives us a radius of ...

Depends on squirrel's speed really.

That's a good point. I knew it.
We should just give up.

No, Sean, we just have to search
every farmhouse, treehouse ...

... wendy house and house house
until we find Padraic ...

... and bring him home
dead or alive!

Well, let's in for alive and see
how we get on, yeah?

Grand, I just gotta .

Isn't that him in your wardrobe?

Padraic?

Hi Martin!

Is breakfast ready?
I'm so hungry I could eat a squirrel.

Subs by eltiomolonio

- Dad can I ask you about...
- Just let me finish my tea, love.

Poor Padraic.
I can't believe Pat and Paddy have such problems.

Not all marriages are meant to last

Some of us stick together to take and
like a pair of lovely swans

while others plunder around
in a constant state of marital despair.

Like ducks.

Don't ducks mate for life too?

Are you joking?
Ducks are the Liz Taylors of the lake.

- Dad, can I just ask you this one thing?
- Does that look done yet, love?

The thing is, Liam, when I was consoling Pat
I had a little bit of a revelation.

She was going on and on and on and on
about all of her problems ...

... and I realised
I am a really good listener.

Oh, yeah. Me too.

Maybe I could listen professionally.

Interesting. Like take on the monopoly of?

No, I mean like a therapist.
Or a marriage counselor.

Well, there's certainly a lot of people that can learn
from swans like us, Deb.

Exactly.

Now, I know you're upset that we missed out on a good manhunt this morning.

I shouldn't have got my hopes up.

But in a way we can get the same buzz
by making sure Padraic is alright.

Yes! We should track down his problems
and skin them alive!

A friend in need is a friend indeed!

What? That's mad talk. Surely the best kind of friend
is one who gives you sweets and crisps and stuff.

A friend who feeds is a friend indee.

Hah, now you're talking sense, Sean.

And I knew she was having an affair, Dr. Bill, because ...

...she started acting so fecking... happy.

Going around whistling and sutff.

Humming and whistling...

Cut through me like a musical knife.

I like to whistle, is that a crime now?

A woman has needs, doctor.

Yes, that's right! Yes!

You could totally do that, Deb.
Jesus, I could do it.

Well ...

So the weight watchers is all done then?
You're a marriage counselor now?

Well, I've applied for a correspondance course.
So my tune might well change, Linda ...

...but I don't see this as the end
of the weight class symphony.

More as another string to my self help pool.

Someone's getting fiddled anyway.

God, you know it's a shame
you don't have a broken marriage, Linda.

You could have been my first customer.

Yep, definetly a downside to
being a widow alright.

And we'll be back with more from Bernard and Glenda in..

... "You're talking to me?"

...with Dr Bill right after this.

Dumb!

God!

Hey, P-dog bull, pal.
Want some sandwich?

No, I'm grand.
I've got a whole Vienetta here.

Mum's great for apology lunches.

I hope you didn't mind me sleeping in your wardrobe last night.

There's so much shouting at home
not even my crying could done it out.

- What were they shouting about?
- Oh, just the usual stuff.

"You ruined my life, I wish
I was dead." You know yourself.

- God, that's awful, P.
- No, it's grand.

They're just having a big low fight.
It's all just a bit of craic.

Anyway, I'd better be heading home.

Yes, those eyes
won't cry themselves.

- Poor P-dog.
- I know.

You know, on the surface he seems fine,
but you should see how messed up...

...his imaginary friend is.

I'm not imaginary!
You are imaginary!

You're imaginary!
You're imaginary!

Alright, Crunchie, alright.

Shut up, you big stupid nick!

I don't think he's diluting that.
I think he's drinking it neat.

I like to think it might be really helpful ...

... if you just sit down
and have a chat about your problems.

You know?
With someone who has compasionate views.

Is this just because Padraic
was hiding in your closet?

Sure he does that here.
He'll come out of the closet when he's good and ready.

To be honest
Deb, we have tried stuff.

Books, and watching Dr. Bill.

We even did a mediation thing with the priest.

I just don't know what I can do!
I don't know how I can please him!

He seems unpleasable!

Yes, yes.
Shut up!

I'm on the Jesus cushion!
I got to talk now!

That is actually the listening cushion.

- Idiot!
- Pat is holding the cushion bear.

- I'll crack it over your fucking head!
- Bells, Padraic, bells! Bells!

There is a big difference between
a priest and a marriage counselor.

I thought you were a fatty instructor.

I'm an all-rounder, Paddy.

I just improve people's lives.

Wether it's lighting up a drooping marriage,
tightening up drooping bingoes,

But you have no actual experience.

Which is why I'm offering the trainee discount.

- And there's tea inclusive of that.
- Wow.

- And Jaffa cakes.
- Sold.

Hey, do you want to go into the petshop, P-dog?

No, I'll just probably head home.

See if I can find a sleep before
the screaming kicks off.

Oh, c'mon, P. Nothing will take you mind off from
the problems at home...

...like looking at a bunch mad animals
couped up in a cage together.

Well, I can't argue with that logic.

We're not putting you out here, Liam?

No, no, actually I prefer working outside...

...when it's nice and cold.

Thanks Liam.
I love you.

And appreciate you with all my heart.

Weirdo.

Now, to get things off.
I thought I'd like to share your money problems.

Just to get a sense of
why your marriage is so

So Pat, if you'd like to go first.
And Paddy, if you could just listen for now ...

... and then respond.
OK?

Are those our jaffa cakes?

We'll have the cakes later.

First the tears and then the cakes.

Pat?

- Debra.
- Pat.

Debra.

Go ahead, Pat.

Well, I think the big...

... Problem is communication.

We don't talk anymore.

Other than shouting and the roaring.

When we first got married we
were like two peas in a pot.

Now we're like two peas in some...

... miserable ...

.. pea soup that's watery and blunt...

... and hateful.

And what about you, Paddy?
What do you see as the problem?

- Do you feel any better, P?
- Yeah.

Nothing lifts the spirits
as a

- Where did you get that?
- I nicked it.

Nicked it?
From the hamsters? Why?

- Cause I liked nickin' it. Do you want one?
- What? Of course I want one!

- Feels like Christmas!
- Yeah.

- But wait, isn't this kind of wrong?
- I don't know.

I don't ... lately.

It's a great craic.
Let's go do it again!

This is amazing!
He's gone rogue!

A rebel from a broken home
with nothing to prove.

I never thought I'd say this ...

... But Padraic's become pretty flipping cool.

Yes, but cool in a bad way, right?

Do you remember our song about cool people?

Follow them, copy them
Do everything they do.

Never question, that's our rule.
And then we will be cool!

Danger?

BEAT IT

That's it, buddy. Now just stroll down the street nice and.

Oh, balls!

I better leave the chocolate bars.
So what did you get?

Some frozen peas.
And a box of cling film.

- Deadly!
- What a score!

What about you?

Six jars of jam.

And a healthy, begonia
florence.

Sweet!
What do we do with it now?

I'm thinking a jam and cling film party. Who's with me?

Let's throw them all out in the river!

Both good ideas.

Well, we could cling film everything
so it doesn't get wet.

That's what I'm talking about!

That's my Martin Moone party!
Keeping it fresh!

So how did the first counseling session
go last night?

- Yes, good.
- Yeah?

It's just that I noticed a few windows in the workshop

- Oh, balls.
- and crumbs everywhere.

To be honest, Liam, it's a lot harder than I thought.

I just can't seem to get Paddy to open up.

Do not worry about it, love.

The important thing is: you gave it
a whole day before giving up.

Hey! I'm not giving up. Just saying that
resuscitating a dead ...

... loveless marraige isn't a total
piece of piss.

Like I thought it would be.

Well, some men can feel a little
bit vulnerable around women.

Maybe I should invite Paddy out
for a few rounds with the lads.

Yes, it might soften him up a bit.

Exactly. Get him to lower his guard,
and then you will finish him off.

- No, that's not what I had in mind.
- Team Moone!

And so it was that Martin Moone
embarked in a life of crime ...

... taking to it like a duck to
marital breakdown.

I going to the toilet!

Nice there.

And then Declan said:
"I don't think you're even my real father"

Sweet Jesus!

- And it hurt me deep.
- Of course.

Because I'm not 100 percent sure meself.

Well, it was the seventies.

The Irish sixties.

- .
- .

It's mad to think that I'm a grandad.

But I'm still just a young lad at Boyle...

with hopes and... desires.

Let's talk about desires now.
I had a great one last night.

You know the young one from the nunnery?

Don't go there, Frank.

Is there anything you'd like to share, Paddy?

When does the poker start?

- Here we go.
- What's so funny?

Well, you see, Paddy,
we don't really play poker here.

No, it's more kind of high stakes
emotions that we're dealing.

You nailed it there.

Whinging about your families, is it?

Well, exploring the difficulties of the modern male.

My wife's a stupid old cow.

And that makes me so sad.

You can

Jesus.

Oh, no, here is Mr.

So is it me birthday or something?

No..
We're here because the other imaginary ...

... friends and I
are worried about you, buddy.

We thought it was time
to have a little talk at you.

Is this an intervention?
In a pub?

Look, Crunchie, it's just that ...

... We're a little concerned about your behaviour lately.

What behaviour?

I saw you wrestle a bycicle yesterday,
Crunch. And you lost.

You lost against a bycicle.

He !
Spotted me in the eye.

Don't you start, Derrick!

We haven't had enough bitch left yet.

And then there's the drinking.
Last week ...

... you puked into my Cinderella slippers.

And then you drunk it

At least I made sure I cleaned it up after meself.

Come on. Do you think this is what
Padraic had in mind when...

...when he picked you as
his imaginary friend?

And old wrestler in a baby
drinking shoesick?

Maybe.

You're right, Derrick! I'm so sorry.

It went so stressful at home when Padraic
kept going to me, ok?

I'm a human. I failed him.
I should be dirting up on him.

You choke our water!
When we were crossing the desert!

- Hang on!

Get over me, hamsters!

It's ok, Martin. It's just a bad dream.
You get used to them.

- Thanks Padraic. Good night.
- Good night, pal.

- Good night, Sinead.
- I have a knife under my pillow.

Okey dokey.
And good night all.

Hateful glances, word unsaid...

... dreams forgotten.

I want to start over but
I can't even see the start line anymore.

- What if you had a holiday?
- I hear Blackpool's nice.

I need a new life,
not a new bed.

A life where I can look in the mirror
and not despised the boy staring back.

- You're sharing too much.
- We only really want 20 percent honestly.

Maybe Paddy the whole counseling thing
might be more suitable.

I'm drowning in over here.

Counseling me hole!

Another room where women take turns...

... judging me, ridiculing me.
Like mommy did.

What about I come along too?

You and me, Liam.
Together.

Two little boys, standing at heart!

Okey dokey.

- I think I'm going to get the poker set.
- I'll come with you.

Yeah, of course.

I wonder what we'll nick next.
We've done every joint in town.

Yeah, I though we were
in a place...

... is where we stole those coathangers
from Oxfam.

Not to worry, soon it will be over. Like Bonny and Clyde!

Come on, sweet cheeks, my fingers
are getting.

I think I'd like to sit this one out.

My fingers are for thief.

But it's no fun if we don't do it together.

Maybe you don't have to do it either.

I said it's not buddy.
But it's still brilliant craic!

Why do I always have to be the girl?

So here we are again.
All of us.

Hopefully we can reach a new stage
of honesty and reconciliation.

What does Liam have to say?

We're really just here to listen.

I want to listen to.
To Liam.

Well ...

Marriage is hard.

Finally! Someone talking a little bit
of bloddy sense in here!

How do we make it easier, Liam?

Come on, Liam, throw some pearls.

Yes Liam, fill us with your wisdom.

Alright. Paddy, once a week just ...

... say something nice about Pat's hair.

- For God's sake.
- Well.

Your hair is nice.
Nice and thick.

Thanks, Paddy.
That means a lot.

I have one.

Respect each other's space.

That's rich, sitting in my workshop.

Well done Liam. Stand tall, little man.
How do you get your hair so thick?

Hello.

Hello, stupid ears.

Hello, little fellas.

- That won't crunch your thirst, fella.
- But it'll take the edge off.

But you can think of the hamsters.
At the cages all famished and alone.

- Five a cage.
- Yes, and all they want is a little bit of peace.

Quite life, far away from the ferocious feathered family.

I think I know what you're saying,
you wise old bastard.

Good.
Because it was very complicated to me.

I knew you were trouble the minute I saw you.

This little brat slick of you that make my life hell

with your shaggy hair and your giddy hands.

- Sorry.
- Remember the dodgy rhyme, buddy.

A friend who thieves is a friend indeed.

- Bonnie.
- Who the hell are you?

I the water feeder thief, and this man
is innocent, set him free!

Is the water feeders gone too?

I just told him about the cages.

Oh, balls!

Alright, lads. Let's break it down!
Marriage, always, requires...

... really impressive
affection, goals ...

etcetera.

Brilliant. Say it again, Liam,
I want to write it down.

- It's not even a sentence.
- Wait!

It spells marriage too!
You're a genius Liam!

Moone and Moone, Marriage Savers?

They what?

I catch them in here again,
I'll have to call the Garda.

I'm so sorry. I'm afraid Padraic's
had some problems at home.

But this is the one who did the stealing.

So your child is the bad child?

There is no such thing as a bad child, Pat.

Apart from your fella, the thief.

Well, his father always had a bit of a dark streak.

Me?
Says little Miss ...

... "Oh, I forgot to pay for the petrol".

At one time that happened.

Probably from watching you forget so often.

I mean, it seems almost impenetrable to the weather.
How do you do it?

A woman has her secrets, Paddy.

Maybe I'll let them slip when we get home.

Lovely. I'm looking forward to a
nice cup of tea and put my feet in the wardrobe.

I hope there's room for one more.

I'll always make room for you, my friend.

At least I've never come back from a wedding
with a set of cuttlery on my purse.

They were wedding favours, Liam.
Everyone was taking them.

You're the one who's always sampling
grapes at the supermarket.

I need to know it they're sweet.
Not like you, you big sour grape.

Wow.
Your parents get vicious pretty quick, huh?

Yeah, they're like a pair of flipping swans.