Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 5 - The All England Summarise Proust Competition - full transcript
Contestants in "The All-England Summarize Proust Competition" are judged in swimsuit and evening-gown categories; an irate customer confronts his travel agent. Also: an expedition to Mount Everest, made by an international group o...
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
Good evening
And welcome to the arthur
ludlow memorial baths, newport
For this year's finals
Of the all-england
summarize proust competition.
As you may remember,
each contestant has to give
A brief summary of proust's
a la recherche du temps perdu
Once in a swimsuit
and once in evening dress.
The field has now narrowed
to three finalists
And your judges tonight are
Alec and eric bedser,
ex-surrey cricketers;
Stewart surridge,
ex-captain of surrey;
Omar sharif;laurie fishlock,
ex-surrey opening batsman;
Peter may, the former
surrey and england captain;
And yehudi menuhin,
the world-famous violinist
And the president
of the surrey cricket club.
And right now it's time
to meet your host for tonight
Arthur mee!
Good evening and welcome.
Whereas proust would say,
"le malade imaginaire
"de recondition
et de toute surveillance
Est bientot la meme chose. "
Remember, each contestant
this evening
Has a maximum of
15 seconds to summarize
A la recherche du temps perdu
And on the proustometer here
You can see
exactly how far he gets.
So let's crack straight on with
our first contestant tonight.
He's last year's semifinalist,
from luton, mr. harry bagot.
Hello, harry.
Now, there's
the summarizing spot.
You're on the
summarizing spot.
15 seconds from... now!
Proust's novel ostensibly tells
Of the irrevocability
of time lost
The forfeiture of innocence
through experience
The reinstallment of extratemporal
values of time regained.
Ultimately the novel
is both optimistic
And set within the context of
a humane religious experience
Restating as it does
the concept of intemporality.
In the first volume, swann,
the family friend, visits...
Well tried, harry.
A good attempt there
But unfortunately he chose
a general appraisal of the work
Before getting on to the story,
and as you can see
He only got as far
as page one of swann's way
The first of the seven volumes.
A good try, though,
and very nice posture.
Harry bagot,
you're from luton?
Yes, arthur, yeah.
Now, harry, what made
you first want to try
And start
summarizing proust?
Well, I first entered
A seaside summarizing
proust competition
When I was on holiday
in bournemouth
And my doctor
encouraged me with it.
And, harry, what are your hobbies
outside summarizing?
Well, there's golf,
and strangling animals.
Well, there he goes--
harry bagot.
He must have let himself
down a bit on the hobbies.
Golf's not very popular
around here.
But never mind, a good try.
Ladies and gentlemen,
mr. rutherford, from leicester.
Are you ready, ronald?
Yeah, yeah.
Right, at your
summarizing spot.
You have got
15 seconds from... now!
Er... ooh!
Er, oh, swann, swann!
Er, swann.
There's this house...
there's this house, er, and...
It's in the morning,
it's in the morning.
No, no, no,
it's in the evening...
In the evening,
and then there's a garden
Uh... and, er,
this bloke comes in...
Bloke comes in.
What's his name?
what's his name?
Oh, god, just said it,
just said it.
Uh, big bloke-- swann! swann!
Oh, out of time.
I'm sorry,
we're out of time.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like you to welcome
The last of our all-england
finalists this evening
From bingley,
the bolton choral society
And their leader,
superintendent mcgough.
All right, bingley.
Remember, you've
got 15 seconds
To summarize proust
in their entirety
Starting from... now!
Proust, in
his first book
Wrote about, wrote about,
fa, la, la...
Proust, in his first
book, wrote about...
He wrote about...
Proust, in his first book
Wrote about the...
He wrote about,
he wrote about
He wrote about,
he wrote about
He wrote about,
he wrote about
Proust, in his first book
In his first book,
wrote about the...
Very ambitious try there
But in fact the least
successful of the evening.
They didn't even get
as far as the first volume.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
I don't think any of our
contestants this evening
Have succeeded in encapsulating
The intricacies
of proust's masterwork.
So I'm going to award
the first prize this evening
To the girl
with the biggest tits.
Mount everest--
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
The mountain with
the biggest tits in the world.
Start again!
Mount everest--
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
This year, this remote
himalayan mountain
This mystical temple
Surrounded by the most
difficult terrain in the world
Repulsed yet another attempt
to conquer it
This time by the international
hairdressers' expedition.
In such freezing
adverse conditions
Man comes very close
to breaking point.
What was the real cause
of the disharmony
Which destroyed
their chances of success?
Well, people would
keep taking your hairdryer
And never returning it.
There was a lot of bitching
in the tents.
You couldn't get
near the mirror.
The leader of
the expedition was
Colonel sir john
"teasy weasy" butler
Veteran of k2,
annapurna and vidals.
His plan was to ignore the
usual route round the south col
And to make
straight for the top.
Well, we established
base salon here
And climbed quite steadily
up to mario's, here.
From here, using crampons
and cutting ice steps as we went
We moved steadily up the lhotse
face to the north ridge
Establishing camp iii
Where we could get a hot meal, a
manicure and a shampoo and set.
Could it work?
Could this 18-year-old
hairdresser from brixton
Succeed where
others had failed?
The situation was complicated
By the imminent arrival
of the monsoon storms.
Patrice takes up the story.
Well, we knew as well as anyone
that the monsoons were due
But the thing was
Ricky and I had just had
a blow-dry and rinse
And we couldn't go out
for a couple of days.
After a blazing row
The germans and the italians
had turned back
Taking with them
the last of the hairnets.
On the third day,
a blizzard blew up.
Temperatures fell
to minus 30 centigrade.
Inside the little tent,
things were getting desperate.
Well, things have
got so bad
That we've been
forced to use
The last of the heavy
oxygen equipment
Just to keep
the dryers going.
Cup of
milo, love.
Oh, she's a treas.
But a new factor
had entered the race.
A team of french chiropodists
Working with
brand-new corn plasters
And dr. scholl's
mountaineering sandals
Were covering ground fast.
The glasgow orpheus
male voice choir were tackling
The difficult north col.
Altogether 14 expeditions
were at his heels.
This was it.
Rick had to make a decision.
Well, he decided
to open a salon.
It was a tremendous success.
Challenging everest?
Why not drop in
at ricky pule's--
Only 24,000 feet
from this cinema.
Ricky and maurice offer
a variety of styles
For the well-groomed climber.
Like sherpa tenzing
and sir edmund hillary
Be number one on top
when you're number one on top.
This cinema is proud to present
20th-century frog's production:
Oh, james!
Oh, beatrice!
Oh... james!
Oh... oh, beatrice!
Oh... oh, james
I could make such a fool
of myself over you.
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
Oh, yes, james, yes!
Oh, james!
Beatrice!
Oh... james!
Beatrice!
Oh... james, I could make such
a fool of myself over you.
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
Oh, yes, james, yes!
Oh... james!
Oh... beatrice!
Oh... james!
Oh... beatrice!
Oh, james...
Oh, shut up!
Hello, is that the fire brigade?
No, sorry, wrong number.
That phone's not stopped
ringing all day.
What happens when
you've mixed the batter?
Do you dice the ham
with the coriander?
No, no, you put them
in separately
When the vine leaves
are ready.
Oh, no, not again.
Take it off
the hook.
I can't get
the fire brigade, mervyn.
Here, let me try, dear.
You go and
play the cello.
Oh, it doesn't do
any good, dear.
Look, do you want that little
hamster to live or not?
Yes, I do, mervyn.
Well, go and play
the cello!
Hello?
Hello, operator?
Yes, we're trying
to get the fire brigade.
No, the fire brigade.
Yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... what?
Size eight.
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
No, of course not.
Yes...
He's gone, dear.
What?
He's slipped away.
What?
The sodding
hamster's dead!
Oh, no!
What were you playing?
Some mozart
concertos, dear.
What...? how did he...?
His eyes just closed
And he fell into
the wastepaper basket.
I've covered him
With a copy of the charlie george
football book.
Right, you hang on.
I must go and see him.
There was nothing
we could do, mervyn.
If we'd have had the whole philharmonic
orchestra in there
He'd still have gone.
I'm going upstairs.
I can't bear it.
There isn't
an upstairs, dear.
It's a bungalow.
Damn!
Hello?
Oh, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.
It's just that...
Size three, yes.
It's just, we've lost
a dear one, and my son was...
Yes, that's right,
size eight, yes, and...
Oh, I see.
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes, yes...
Yes... yes, I see, uh...
Yes.
Yes, i... i...
Yes.
Oh, yes... no!
No... yes... I see.
They can't get
the fire brigade, mervyn.
Will the boys' brigade do?
No! they'd
be useless!
No, he doesn't want anyone
at the moment, thank you.
No... yes.
Yes-- no, thank you for trying.
Yes.
Yes...
No, saxones.
Yes.
Yes, thank you, bye-bye.
Mummy!
Oh, eamonn!
Mervyn, look,
it's our eamonn!
Oh, let me look at you.
How well you're looking.
Tell me, how is it
in dublin?
Well, things is pretty
bad there at the moment
But there does
seem some hope
Of a constitutional
settlement.
Oh, don't talk.
Let me just look at you.
Great to be home, mummy.
How are you?
Oh, I'm fine.
I must just go upstairs
and get your room ready.
It's a bungalow, mummy.
Oh, damn, yes.
Mervyn, mervyn,
look who's here!
It's our eamonn
Come back to see us.
Hello, eamonn.
Hello, merv.
How was dublin?
Well, as I was
telling mummy here
Things is pretty bad
there at the moment
But there does seem
Some hope of a constitutional
settlement.
Hello?
Yes?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
What?
What?
Size seven.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, yes!
Yes.
It's the
fire brigade.
They want to know
If they can come round
thursday evening.
Oh, no.
Thursday's the industrial
relations bill dinner dance.
Can't they make it
another day?
Uh, hello?
No, thursday's...
Right out!
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes...
And so it was
That the fire brigade eventually
came round on friday night.
I'm so glad
you could come.
What would you
like to drink?
Gin and tonic??
sherry?
A drop of sherry
would be lovely.
We do like being called out
to these little parties.
They're much better than fires.
Yes?
Yes?
Yes.
Well, how was dublin, eamonn?
Well, as I was telling mummy
and mervyn earlier
Things is pretty bad
there at the moment
But there does seem
Some hope of
a constitutional...
Oh, look at them
enjoying themselves.
You know, I used
to dread parties
Until I watched party hints
by veronica.
I think
it's on now.
Hello.
Last week on party hints
I showed you
How to make a small plate
of goulash go round 26 people
How to get the best
out of your canapes
And how to unblock your loo.
This week I'm going
to tell you what to do
If there's an armed
communist uprising
Near your home
when you're having a party.
Well, obviously it'll depend how
far you've got with your party
When the signal
for red revolt is raised.
If you're just having
preliminary aperitifs--
A dubonnet, a sherry,
or a sparkling white wine--
Then your guests will obviously
be in a fairly formal mood
And it'll be difficult to tell
Which are
the communist agitators.
So the thing to do is
to get some cloth
And some bits of old paper
Put it down on the floor
and shoot everybody.
This will deal with the red
menace on your own doorstep.
If you're having canapes,
as I showed you last week
Or an outdoor barbecue
Then the thing to do is
to set fire
To all the houses in the street.
This will stir up
anticommunist hatred
And your neighbors
will be right with you
As you organize
counterrevolutionary terror.
So you see, if you act
promptly enough
Any left-wing uprising
can be dealt with
By the end of the party.
Bye.
Ah, she's finally gone away.
All right, comrades,
time to go to work.
Hello, we are selling
communist revolutions.
Would you by any chance
be interested?
Oh, yes, I'll take
a dozen, please.
Right.
One dozen communist revolutions
coming up.
I get it!
Communist revolution!
That's a good one.
You disgusting
little piece of filth.
God, I hate you!
You make me want
to puke my guts out!
Wasn't that cute?
Remember, you too
Can get your own
putrid peter doll
In time to pacify
your next party.
But why stop there?
Why not get a barry bigot
doll, too?
Just watch this.
Black people, black people.
Rrrrhodesian.
Kill the blacks.
kill the blacks.
Rrrrhodesian.
Smith, smith.
Kill the blacks within
the five principles.
I'm afraid I cannot
comment on that
Until it has been
officially hushed up.
This is our
politicians' booth.
While there's no
undue cause for concern
There is certainly
no room for complacency.
Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.
I'll go to the foot
of our stairs.
Ee ecky thump.
Put wood
in 'ole, muther.
Yes, sorry?
Ee ecky thump.
Ee ecky thump.
Ee ecky thump!
Ee ecky thump!
Excellent!
It's a very quick
method of learning.
Can you smell gas,
or is it me?
Looks
jolly good.
Hello, big boy.
Oo, varda the ome.
Do you want
a nice time?
Very good.
Thank you
very much, sir.
And we control
everything from here.
Superb.
Well, what
sort of thing
Were you
looking for?
Well, really
something
To make me a little
less insignificant.
Oh, I see,
sort of...
"now, look here,
you may be chairman
"but your bloody
pusillanimous behavior
Makes me vomit!"
That sort
of thing?
No, no, no,
not really, no.
Oh, I see,
well, perhaps
Something
a bit more
Sort of
clive jenkins-ish?
Perhaps, sort of :
"mr. smarmy so-
called harold wilson
"can call himself
pragmatic
Until he's blue
in the breast!"
No, not really.
I really want
something
That will
make people
Be attracted to me
like a magnet.
Oh, I see, well,
you want our
"life and soul of the party" tape
then, I think.
What's that?
Well,
it's sort of :
Hello, squire!
Haven't seen you
for a bit!
Haven't seen you
for a bit either, beryl.
Two pints of
wallop, please, love.
Still driving
the jensen, then?
Cheer up, jack,
it may never happen.
What's your
poison, then?
Fantastic, yes.
Right,
I'll just see
If we've
got the tape.
Boo boo pee doo,
boo boo pee doo
Scoobie doobie doobie
doobie doo-oo!
Hello, operator
Is that the central line?
Give me picadilly
number 9109
Mr. operator, now,
the number's wrong
So come on, everybody,
let's sing this song!
Proust in
his first book
Wrote about,
wrote about...
Start again.
Mount everest--
forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
The highest place on earth.
No, I'm sorry,
we don't go there.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
Do you want
to go upstairs?
What?
Do you want to go upstairs?
Or have you come
To arrange a holiday?
Uh, to arrange a holiday.
Oh, sorry.
What's all this
about going upstairs?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Now, where were you
thinking of going?
India.
Ah, one of our
adventure holidays.
Yes.
Well, you'd
better speak
To mr. bounder
about that.
Mr. bounder,
this gentleman
Is interested in
the india overland.
Ah, good morning.
I'm bounder
of adventure.
Morning,
my name is
Smoke-too-much.
What?
My name is smoke-too-much,
mr. smoke-too-much.
Well, you'd better
cut down a bit, then.
What?
You'd better cut
down a bit, then.
Oh, I see.
Cut down a bit
For smoke-too-much.
Yes.
I expect you get people
Making jokes about your name
all the time, eh?
No, no.
Actually, it never
struck me before.
Smoke... too... much!
Anyway, you're interested in one
of our adventure holidays, eh?
Yes, yes, I saw your advert
in the bolor supplement.
The what?
The bolor supplement.
The color
supplement?
Yes, I'm sorry
I can't say
the letter "b."
"c."
Yes, that's right.
It's all due to
a trauma I suffered
When I was a spoolboy.
I was attacked by a bat.
A cat?
No, a bat.
Can you say the letter "k"?
Oh, yes, khaki, king, kettle,
kuwait, keble bollege oxford.
Why don't you say the letter "k"
instead of the letter "c"?
What do you mean,
spell "bolor" with a "k"?
Yes.
Kolor.
Yes.
Oh, that's very good,
I never thought of that.
Well, I saw your advert
in the paper
And I've been on package tours
several times, you see
And I decided
that this was for me.
Oh, good.
Yes, I quite
agree with you.
I mean,
what's the point
Of being treated
like a sheep?
I mean, I'm fed up
of going abroad
And being treated
like sheep.
What's the point of being carted
around in buses
Surrounded by sweaty,
mindless oafs
From kettering
and boventry?
Their cloth caps
and their cardigans
And their
transistor radios
And their
sunday mirrors
Bomplaining
about the tea--
"oh, they don't make it
properly here, do they?
Not like at home."
Stopping at majorcan bodegas
selling fish and chips
And watney's red barrel
And calamares
and two veg
And sitting in
cotton sun frocks
Squirting timothy
white's sun cream
All over their puffy, raw, swollen,
purulent flesh
Because they
overdid it
On the
first day!
Yes, absolutely,
I quite agree.
And being herded
into endless hotel miramars
And bellvueses and bontinentals
With their
international
Luxury modern
roomettes
And their
watney's red barrel
And their
swimming pools
Full of fat
german businessmen
Pretending
to be acrobats
And forming pyramids
And frightening
the children
Barging into
the queues
And if you're not at your table
spot on seven
You miss your bowl
Of campbell's
cream of mushroom soup
The first item on the menu
of international cuisine.
And every thursday night
There's bloody
cabaret in the bar
Featuring some
tiny, emaciated dago
With nine-inch hips
And some big,
fat, bloated tart
With her hair brylcreemed down
and a big arse
Presenting flamenco
for foreigners.
Yes, yes, quite...
And then surrounded
By adenoidal typists
from birmingham
With diarrhea
and flabby white legs
And hairy, bandy-legged
wop waiters called manuel
And then once a week
There's an excursion
to the local roman ruins
Where you can buy cherryade
and melted ice cream
And bleedin'
watney's red barrel
And then one night
They take you to
a local restaurant
With local color and coloring
and they show you there
And you sit next to
a party of people from rhyl
Who keep singing
torremolinos!
Torremolinos!
And complaining
about the food.
"oh, it's so
greasy, isn't it?"
And then you get cornered
By some drunken greengrocer
from luton with an instamatic
And dr. scholl sandals
and tuesday's daily express
And he drones on and on and on
About how mr. smith should be
running this country.
Quiet, please.
And then
he throws up
All over
the cuba libres.
Will you be
quiet, please?
...postcards
of places
They don't know they haven't
even visited
"to all at number 22,
weather wonderful.
Our room marked
with an 'x'..."
Shut up!
"food very greasy
"but we have
managed to find
This marvelous little
place hidden away..."
Shut up!
"...watney's red barrel
and cheese and onion."
Shut up!
And the accordionist plays...
Shut your bloody gob!
Oh, I've had
enough of this.
I'm going to ring
the police.
...nothing to eat
But dried
watney's sandwiches.
Oh, take it
off the hook.
...and there's
nowhere to sleep...
Hello, operator? operator?
Yes, operator, I'm trying
to get the police.
Yes, yes... the police!
Yes, what?
Nine and a half...
nine and a half!
...when you get
to malaga airport
Everybody's
swallowing...
What?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Will you come this way, please?
Here they are.
Right.
Just here will do fine.
Bye-bye.
Good evening.
I have with me tonight
Anne elk,
mrs. anne elk.
Miss.
You have a new theory
about the brontosaurus.
Can I just say here, chris,
for one moment
That I have a new theory
about the brontosaurus?
Exactly.
What is it?
Where?
I mean your
new theory.
Oh, what is
my theory?
Oh, what is my theory,
that it is.
Well, chris, you
may well ask me
What is
my theory.
I am asking.
Good for you.
My word, yes.
Well, chris, what
is it that it is
This theory of mine?
Well, this is
what it is.
My theory
that I have
That is to say,
which is mine
Is mine.
Yes, I know
it's yours.
What is it?
Where?
Your theory.
Oh, what is my...
This is it.
My theory that
belongs to me
Is as follows.
This is
how it goes.
The next thing
I'm going to say
Is my theory.
Ready?
My theory,
by a. elk--
Brackets, miss,
brackets--
This theory goes as follows
and begins now:
All brontosauruses
are thin at one end
Much, much thicker
in the middle
And then thin again
at the far end.
That is my theory.
It is mine
and belongs to me
And I own it
and what it is, too.
That's it, is it?
Spot on, chris.
Well, this theory of yours
Appears to have hit
the nail on the head.
And it's mine.
Yes, thank you very much
for coming along to the studio.
My pleasure, chris.
Next week,
britain's...
It's been
a lot of fun.
Yes, thank you
very much.
Saying what
my theory is.
Yes, thank you.
And whose it is.
Yes, thank you,
that's all.
I have
another theory...
Yes...
Called my
second theory
Or my theory
number two
Which I could expound
without doubt.
This
second theory...
Yes?
Which with the one
that I have said...
I'm trying...
Which are mine
And which
belong to me...
Nine and half,
wide fitting.
Goes like this.
Balleys of
bond street.
What?
No, sort of brogue.
This is what it is.
Eight and a half.
This is it.
My second theory...
Excuse me!
Hello,
yes, yes?
...promises you that the raging
cholera epidemic...
The fire brigade are here!
They're coming!
Hello?
No, no, I think
they're all
Part of the british
shoe corporation now.
Chris, this other
theory of mine...
The second
theory...
My second
theory states
That fire
brigade choirs
Seldom sing songs
about marcel proust.
Proust in his first book
Wrote about, wrote about...
Start again.
It's...
Monty python's flying circuses.
Good evening
And welcome to the arthur
ludlow memorial baths, newport
For this year's finals
Of the all-england
summarize proust competition.
As you may remember,
each contestant has to give
A brief summary of proust's
a la recherche du temps perdu
Once in a swimsuit
and once in evening dress.
The field has now narrowed
to three finalists
And your judges tonight are
Alec and eric bedser,
ex-surrey cricketers;
Stewart surridge,
ex-captain of surrey;
Omar sharif;laurie fishlock,
ex-surrey opening batsman;
Peter may, the former
surrey and england captain;
And yehudi menuhin,
the world-famous violinist
And the president
of the surrey cricket club.
And right now it's time
to meet your host for tonight
Arthur mee!
Good evening and welcome.
Whereas proust would say,
"le malade imaginaire
"de recondition
et de toute surveillance
Est bientot la meme chose. "
Remember, each contestant
this evening
Has a maximum of
15 seconds to summarize
A la recherche du temps perdu
And on the proustometer here
You can see
exactly how far he gets.
So let's crack straight on with
our first contestant tonight.
He's last year's semifinalist,
from luton, mr. harry bagot.
Hello, harry.
Now, there's
the summarizing spot.
You're on the
summarizing spot.
15 seconds from... now!
Proust's novel ostensibly tells
Of the irrevocability
of time lost
The forfeiture of innocence
through experience
The reinstallment of extratemporal
values of time regained.
Ultimately the novel
is both optimistic
And set within the context of
a humane religious experience
Restating as it does
the concept of intemporality.
In the first volume, swann,
the family friend, visits...
Well tried, harry.
A good attempt there
But unfortunately he chose
a general appraisal of the work
Before getting on to the story,
and as you can see
He only got as far
as page one of swann's way
The first of the seven volumes.
A good try, though,
and very nice posture.
Harry bagot,
you're from luton?
Yes, arthur, yeah.
Now, harry, what made
you first want to try
And start
summarizing proust?
Well, I first entered
A seaside summarizing
proust competition
When I was on holiday
in bournemouth
And my doctor
encouraged me with it.
And, harry, what are your hobbies
outside summarizing?
Well, there's golf,
and strangling animals.
Well, there he goes--
harry bagot.
He must have let himself
down a bit on the hobbies.
Golf's not very popular
around here.
But never mind, a good try.
Ladies and gentlemen,
mr. rutherford, from leicester.
Are you ready, ronald?
Yeah, yeah.
Right, at your
summarizing spot.
You have got
15 seconds from... now!
Er... ooh!
Er, oh, swann, swann!
Er, swann.
There's this house...
there's this house, er, and...
It's in the morning,
it's in the morning.
No, no, no,
it's in the evening...
In the evening,
and then there's a garden
Uh... and, er,
this bloke comes in...
Bloke comes in.
What's his name?
what's his name?
Oh, god, just said it,
just said it.
Uh, big bloke-- swann! swann!
Oh, out of time.
I'm sorry,
we're out of time.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like you to welcome
The last of our all-england
finalists this evening
From bingley,
the bolton choral society
And their leader,
superintendent mcgough.
All right, bingley.
Remember, you've
got 15 seconds
To summarize proust
in their entirety
Starting from... now!
Proust, in
his first book
Wrote about, wrote about,
fa, la, la...
Proust, in his first
book, wrote about...
He wrote about...
Proust, in his first book
Wrote about the...
He wrote about,
he wrote about
He wrote about,
he wrote about
He wrote about,
he wrote about
Proust, in his first book
In his first book,
wrote about the...
Very ambitious try there
But in fact the least
successful of the evening.
They didn't even get
as far as the first volume.
Well, ladies and gentlemen
I don't think any of our
contestants this evening
Have succeeded in encapsulating
The intricacies
of proust's masterwork.
So I'm going to award
the first prize this evening
To the girl
with the biggest tits.
Mount everest--
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
The mountain with
the biggest tits in the world.
Start again!
Mount everest--
Forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
This year, this remote
himalayan mountain
This mystical temple
Surrounded by the most
difficult terrain in the world
Repulsed yet another attempt
to conquer it
This time by the international
hairdressers' expedition.
In such freezing
adverse conditions
Man comes very close
to breaking point.
What was the real cause
of the disharmony
Which destroyed
their chances of success?
Well, people would
keep taking your hairdryer
And never returning it.
There was a lot of bitching
in the tents.
You couldn't get
near the mirror.
The leader of
the expedition was
Colonel sir john
"teasy weasy" butler
Veteran of k2,
annapurna and vidals.
His plan was to ignore the
usual route round the south col
And to make
straight for the top.
Well, we established
base salon here
And climbed quite steadily
up to mario's, here.
From here, using crampons
and cutting ice steps as we went
We moved steadily up the lhotse
face to the north ridge
Establishing camp iii
Where we could get a hot meal, a
manicure and a shampoo and set.
Could it work?
Could this 18-year-old
hairdresser from brixton
Succeed where
others had failed?
The situation was complicated
By the imminent arrival
of the monsoon storms.
Patrice takes up the story.
Well, we knew as well as anyone
that the monsoons were due
But the thing was
Ricky and I had just had
a blow-dry and rinse
And we couldn't go out
for a couple of days.
After a blazing row
The germans and the italians
had turned back
Taking with them
the last of the hairnets.
On the third day,
a blizzard blew up.
Temperatures fell
to minus 30 centigrade.
Inside the little tent,
things were getting desperate.
Well, things have
got so bad
That we've been
forced to use
The last of the heavy
oxygen equipment
Just to keep
the dryers going.
Cup of
milo, love.
Oh, she's a treas.
But a new factor
had entered the race.
A team of french chiropodists
Working with
brand-new corn plasters
And dr. scholl's
mountaineering sandals
Were covering ground fast.
The glasgow orpheus
male voice choir were tackling
The difficult north col.
Altogether 14 expeditions
were at his heels.
This was it.
Rick had to make a decision.
Well, he decided
to open a salon.
It was a tremendous success.
Challenging everest?
Why not drop in
at ricky pule's--
Only 24,000 feet
from this cinema.
Ricky and maurice offer
a variety of styles
For the well-groomed climber.
Like sherpa tenzing
and sir edmund hillary
Be number one on top
when you're number one on top.
This cinema is proud to present
20th-century frog's production:
Oh, james!
Oh, beatrice!
Oh... james!
Oh... oh, beatrice!
Oh... oh, james
I could make such a fool
of myself over you.
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
Oh, yes, james, yes!
Oh, james!
Beatrice!
Oh... james!
Beatrice!
Oh... james, I could make such
a fool of myself over you.
Oh, beatrice, do... do!
Oh, yes, james, yes!
Oh... james!
Oh... beatrice!
Oh... james!
Oh... beatrice!
Oh, james...
Oh, shut up!
Hello, is that the fire brigade?
No, sorry, wrong number.
That phone's not stopped
ringing all day.
What happens when
you've mixed the batter?
Do you dice the ham
with the coriander?
No, no, you put them
in separately
When the vine leaves
are ready.
Oh, no, not again.
Take it off
the hook.
I can't get
the fire brigade, mervyn.
Here, let me try, dear.
You go and
play the cello.
Oh, it doesn't do
any good, dear.
Look, do you want that little
hamster to live or not?
Yes, I do, mervyn.
Well, go and play
the cello!
Hello?
Hello, operator?
Yes, we're trying
to get the fire brigade.
No, the fire brigade.
Yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... what?
Size eight.
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes... yes... yes...
No, of course not.
Yes...
He's gone, dear.
What?
He's slipped away.
What?
The sodding
hamster's dead!
Oh, no!
What were you playing?
Some mozart
concertos, dear.
What...? how did he...?
His eyes just closed
And he fell into
the wastepaper basket.
I've covered him
With a copy of the charlie george
football book.
Right, you hang on.
I must go and see him.
There was nothing
we could do, mervyn.
If we'd have had the whole philharmonic
orchestra in there
He'd still have gone.
I'm going upstairs.
I can't bear it.
There isn't
an upstairs, dear.
It's a bungalow.
Damn!
Hello?
Oh, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.
It's just that...
Size three, yes.
It's just, we've lost
a dear one, and my son was...
Yes, that's right,
size eight, yes, and...
Oh, I see.
Yes... yes... yes...
Yes, yes...
Yes... yes, I see, uh...
Yes.
Yes, i... i...
Yes.
Oh, yes... no!
No... yes... I see.
They can't get
the fire brigade, mervyn.
Will the boys' brigade do?
No! they'd
be useless!
No, he doesn't want anyone
at the moment, thank you.
No... yes.
Yes-- no, thank you for trying.
Yes.
Yes...
No, saxones.
Yes.
Yes, thank you, bye-bye.
Mummy!
Oh, eamonn!
Mervyn, look,
it's our eamonn!
Oh, let me look at you.
How well you're looking.
Tell me, how is it
in dublin?
Well, things is pretty
bad there at the moment
But there does
seem some hope
Of a constitutional
settlement.
Oh, don't talk.
Let me just look at you.
Great to be home, mummy.
How are you?
Oh, I'm fine.
I must just go upstairs
and get your room ready.
It's a bungalow, mummy.
Oh, damn, yes.
Mervyn, mervyn,
look who's here!
It's our eamonn
Come back to see us.
Hello, eamonn.
Hello, merv.
How was dublin?
Well, as I was
telling mummy here
Things is pretty bad
there at the moment
But there does seem
Some hope of a constitutional
settlement.
Hello?
Yes?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
What?
What?
Size seven.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, yes!
Yes.
It's the
fire brigade.
They want to know
If they can come round
thursday evening.
Oh, no.
Thursday's the industrial
relations bill dinner dance.
Can't they make it
another day?
Uh, hello?
No, thursday's...
Right out!
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes...
And so it was
That the fire brigade eventually
came round on friday night.
I'm so glad
you could come.
What would you
like to drink?
Gin and tonic??
sherry?
A drop of sherry
would be lovely.
We do like being called out
to these little parties.
They're much better than fires.
Yes?
Yes?
Yes.
Well, how was dublin, eamonn?
Well, as I was telling mummy
and mervyn earlier
Things is pretty bad
there at the moment
But there does seem
Some hope of
a constitutional...
Oh, look at them
enjoying themselves.
You know, I used
to dread parties
Until I watched party hints
by veronica.
I think
it's on now.
Hello.
Last week on party hints
I showed you
How to make a small plate
of goulash go round 26 people
How to get the best
out of your canapes
And how to unblock your loo.
This week I'm going
to tell you what to do
If there's an armed
communist uprising
Near your home
when you're having a party.
Well, obviously it'll depend how
far you've got with your party
When the signal
for red revolt is raised.
If you're just having
preliminary aperitifs--
A dubonnet, a sherry,
or a sparkling white wine--
Then your guests will obviously
be in a fairly formal mood
And it'll be difficult to tell
Which are
the communist agitators.
So the thing to do is
to get some cloth
And some bits of old paper
Put it down on the floor
and shoot everybody.
This will deal with the red
menace on your own doorstep.
If you're having canapes,
as I showed you last week
Or an outdoor barbecue
Then the thing to do is
to set fire
To all the houses in the street.
This will stir up
anticommunist hatred
And your neighbors
will be right with you
As you organize
counterrevolutionary terror.
So you see, if you act
promptly enough
Any left-wing uprising
can be dealt with
By the end of the party.
Bye.
Ah, she's finally gone away.
All right, comrades,
time to go to work.
Hello, we are selling
communist revolutions.
Would you by any chance
be interested?
Oh, yes, I'll take
a dozen, please.
Right.
One dozen communist revolutions
coming up.
I get it!
Communist revolution!
That's a good one.
You disgusting
little piece of filth.
God, I hate you!
You make me want
to puke my guts out!
Wasn't that cute?
Remember, you too
Can get your own
putrid peter doll
In time to pacify
your next party.
But why stop there?
Why not get a barry bigot
doll, too?
Just watch this.
Black people, black people.
Rrrrhodesian.
Kill the blacks.
kill the blacks.
Rrrrhodesian.
Smith, smith.
Kill the blacks within
the five principles.
I'm afraid I cannot
comment on that
Until it has been
officially hushed up.
This is our
politicians' booth.
While there's no
undue cause for concern
There is certainly
no room for complacency.
Ha, ha, ha, he, he, he.
I'll go to the foot
of our stairs.
Ee ecky thump.
Put wood
in 'ole, muther.
Yes, sorry?
Ee ecky thump.
Ee ecky thump.
Ee ecky thump!
Ee ecky thump!
Excellent!
It's a very quick
method of learning.
Can you smell gas,
or is it me?
Looks
jolly good.
Hello, big boy.
Oo, varda the ome.
Do you want
a nice time?
Very good.
Thank you
very much, sir.
And we control
everything from here.
Superb.
Well, what
sort of thing
Were you
looking for?
Well, really
something
To make me a little
less insignificant.
Oh, I see,
sort of...
"now, look here,
you may be chairman
"but your bloody
pusillanimous behavior
Makes me vomit!"
That sort
of thing?
No, no, no,
not really, no.
Oh, I see,
well, perhaps
Something
a bit more
Sort of
clive jenkins-ish?
Perhaps, sort of :
"mr. smarmy so-
called harold wilson
"can call himself
pragmatic
Until he's blue
in the breast!"
No, not really.
I really want
something
That will
make people
Be attracted to me
like a magnet.
Oh, I see, well,
you want our
"life and soul of the party" tape
then, I think.
What's that?
Well,
it's sort of :
Hello, squire!
Haven't seen you
for a bit!
Haven't seen you
for a bit either, beryl.
Two pints of
wallop, please, love.
Still driving
the jensen, then?
Cheer up, jack,
it may never happen.
What's your
poison, then?
Fantastic, yes.
Right,
I'll just see
If we've
got the tape.
Boo boo pee doo,
boo boo pee doo
Scoobie doobie doobie
doobie doo-oo!
Hello, operator
Is that the central line?
Give me picadilly
number 9109
Mr. operator, now,
the number's wrong
So come on, everybody,
let's sing this song!
Proust in
his first book
Wrote about,
wrote about...
Start again.
Mount everest--
forbidding, aloof, terrifying.
The highest place on earth.
No, I'm sorry,
we don't go there.
Good morning.
Oh, good morning.
Do you want
to go upstairs?
What?
Do you want to go upstairs?
Or have you come
To arrange a holiday?
Uh, to arrange a holiday.
Oh, sorry.
What's all this
about going upstairs?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Now, where were you
thinking of going?
India.
Ah, one of our
adventure holidays.
Yes.
Well, you'd
better speak
To mr. bounder
about that.
Mr. bounder,
this gentleman
Is interested in
the india overland.
Ah, good morning.
I'm bounder
of adventure.
Morning,
my name is
Smoke-too-much.
What?
My name is smoke-too-much,
mr. smoke-too-much.
Well, you'd better
cut down a bit, then.
What?
You'd better cut
down a bit, then.
Oh, I see.
Cut down a bit
For smoke-too-much.
Yes.
I expect you get people
Making jokes about your name
all the time, eh?
No, no.
Actually, it never
struck me before.
Smoke... too... much!
Anyway, you're interested in one
of our adventure holidays, eh?
Yes, yes, I saw your advert
in the bolor supplement.
The what?
The bolor supplement.
The color
supplement?
Yes, I'm sorry
I can't say
the letter "b."
"c."
Yes, that's right.
It's all due to
a trauma I suffered
When I was a spoolboy.
I was attacked by a bat.
A cat?
No, a bat.
Can you say the letter "k"?
Oh, yes, khaki, king, kettle,
kuwait, keble bollege oxford.
Why don't you say the letter "k"
instead of the letter "c"?
What do you mean,
spell "bolor" with a "k"?
Yes.
Kolor.
Yes.
Oh, that's very good,
I never thought of that.
Well, I saw your advert
in the paper
And I've been on package tours
several times, you see
And I decided
that this was for me.
Oh, good.
Yes, I quite
agree with you.
I mean,
what's the point
Of being treated
like a sheep?
I mean, I'm fed up
of going abroad
And being treated
like sheep.
What's the point of being carted
around in buses
Surrounded by sweaty,
mindless oafs
From kettering
and boventry?
Their cloth caps
and their cardigans
And their
transistor radios
And their
sunday mirrors
Bomplaining
about the tea--
"oh, they don't make it
properly here, do they?
Not like at home."
Stopping at majorcan bodegas
selling fish and chips
And watney's red barrel
And calamares
and two veg
And sitting in
cotton sun frocks
Squirting timothy
white's sun cream
All over their puffy, raw, swollen,
purulent flesh
Because they
overdid it
On the
first day!
Yes, absolutely,
I quite agree.
And being herded
into endless hotel miramars
And bellvueses and bontinentals
With their
international
Luxury modern
roomettes
And their
watney's red barrel
And their
swimming pools
Full of fat
german businessmen
Pretending
to be acrobats
And forming pyramids
And frightening
the children
Barging into
the queues
And if you're not at your table
spot on seven
You miss your bowl
Of campbell's
cream of mushroom soup
The first item on the menu
of international cuisine.
And every thursday night
There's bloody
cabaret in the bar
Featuring some
tiny, emaciated dago
With nine-inch hips
And some big,
fat, bloated tart
With her hair brylcreemed down
and a big arse
Presenting flamenco
for foreigners.
Yes, yes, quite...
And then surrounded
By adenoidal typists
from birmingham
With diarrhea
and flabby white legs
And hairy, bandy-legged
wop waiters called manuel
And then once a week
There's an excursion
to the local roman ruins
Where you can buy cherryade
and melted ice cream
And bleedin'
watney's red barrel
And then one night
They take you to
a local restaurant
With local color and coloring
and they show you there
And you sit next to
a party of people from rhyl
Who keep singing
torremolinos!
Torremolinos!
And complaining
about the food.
"oh, it's so
greasy, isn't it?"
And then you get cornered
By some drunken greengrocer
from luton with an instamatic
And dr. scholl sandals
and tuesday's daily express
And he drones on and on and on
About how mr. smith should be
running this country.
Quiet, please.
And then
he throws up
All over
the cuba libres.
Will you be
quiet, please?
...postcards
of places
They don't know they haven't
even visited
"to all at number 22,
weather wonderful.
Our room marked
with an 'x'..."
Shut up!
"food very greasy
"but we have
managed to find
This marvelous little
place hidden away..."
Shut up!
"...watney's red barrel
and cheese and onion."
Shut up!
And the accordionist plays...
Shut your bloody gob!
Oh, I've had
enough of this.
I'm going to ring
the police.
...nothing to eat
But dried
watney's sandwiches.
Oh, take it
off the hook.
...and there's
nowhere to sleep...
Hello, operator? operator?
Yes, operator, I'm trying
to get the police.
Yes, yes... the police!
Yes, what?
Nine and a half...
nine and a half!
...when you get
to malaga airport
Everybody's
swallowing...
What?
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Will you come this way, please?
Here they are.
Right.
Just here will do fine.
Bye-bye.
Good evening.
I have with me tonight
Anne elk,
mrs. anne elk.
Miss.
You have a new theory
about the brontosaurus.
Can I just say here, chris,
for one moment
That I have a new theory
about the brontosaurus?
Exactly.
What is it?
Where?
I mean your
new theory.
Oh, what is
my theory?
Oh, what is my theory,
that it is.
Well, chris, you
may well ask me
What is
my theory.
I am asking.
Good for you.
My word, yes.
Well, chris, what
is it that it is
This theory of mine?
Well, this is
what it is.
My theory
that I have
That is to say,
which is mine
Is mine.
Yes, I know
it's yours.
What is it?
Where?
Your theory.
Oh, what is my...
This is it.
My theory that
belongs to me
Is as follows.
This is
how it goes.
The next thing
I'm going to say
Is my theory.
Ready?
My theory,
by a. elk--
Brackets, miss,
brackets--
This theory goes as follows
and begins now:
All brontosauruses
are thin at one end
Much, much thicker
in the middle
And then thin again
at the far end.
That is my theory.
It is mine
and belongs to me
And I own it
and what it is, too.
That's it, is it?
Spot on, chris.
Well, this theory of yours
Appears to have hit
the nail on the head.
And it's mine.
Yes, thank you very much
for coming along to the studio.
My pleasure, chris.
Next week,
britain's...
It's been
a lot of fun.
Yes, thank you
very much.
Saying what
my theory is.
Yes, thank you.
And whose it is.
Yes, thank you,
that's all.
I have
another theory...
Yes...
Called my
second theory
Or my theory
number two
Which I could expound
without doubt.
This
second theory...
Yes?
Which with the one
that I have said...
I'm trying...
Which are mine
And which
belong to me...
Nine and half,
wide fitting.
Goes like this.
Balleys of
bond street.
What?
No, sort of brogue.
This is what it is.
Eight and a half.
This is it.
My second theory...
Excuse me!
Hello,
yes, yes?
...promises you that the raging
cholera epidemic...
The fire brigade are here!
They're coming!
Hello?
No, no, I think
they're all
Part of the british
shoe corporation now.
Chris, this other
theory of mine...
The second
theory...
My second
theory states
That fire
brigade choirs
Seldom sing songs
about marcel proust.
Proust in his first book
Wrote about, wrote about...
Start again.