Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 6 - The War Against Pornography - full transcript

Surgical tools applied to a mildly anesthetized patient include a power drill and a mallet; a TV program features a lecture on gastropods, highlighted by the visit of a whelk.

In the modern britain,
united under a great leader

It's the housewives of britain
who are getting things moving.

Here, a coach load of
lovely ladies are on their way

To speed up production
in a car factory.

And here we are, boys,
it's the no-hurry brigade

Hanging around
for endless overtime.

And just watch these gallant
girls go into action.

Not working fast enough?

Well, there's
an answer for that.

Yes, this is certainly
the way to speed up production.

This is the recipe for
increased productivity



To meet the threat
of those nasty foreigners

When britain takes
her natural place

At the head
of the british common market.

And how's this for a way
to beat strikers?

Those spotty continental boys

Will soon have to look out
for mrs. britain.

And talking of windmills

These girls aren't afraid to
tilt at the permissive society.

Business is booming
in the so-called arts

But two can play
at that game, chum.

And it's not just the modern
so-called plastic arts

That get the clean-up treatment.

Desdemona...

Come on, dears!



And those continentals
had better watch out

For their dirty
foreign literature.

Jean-paul sartre and jean genet
won't know what's hit them.

Never mind the foulness
of their language--

Come '73, they'll all
have to write in british.

You can keep your fastidious continental
bidets, mrs. foreigner--

Mrs. britain knows
how to keep her feet clean.

But she'll battle
like bingo, boys

When it comes to keeping
the tv screen clean.

Better watch out for
those nasty continental shows

On the sneaky second channel.

But apart from attacking

That prurient hotbed
of left-wing continentalism

At shepherds bush

What else do these
ordinary mums think?

Do they accept hegelianism?

No!

Do they prefer leibnitz
to wittgenstein?

No! no!

And where do they stand
on young people?

Just here, dear.

Their power is growing daily

And when these girls
roll their sleeves up

It's arms all the way.

Yes, this is the way to fight

The constant war
against pornography.

Advertise your product or brand here
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And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor!

Where is the doctor?

Hello!

Are you the brain specialist?

Hello!

Are you the brain specialist?

No!

No, I am not
the brain specialist.

No, no, I am not!

Yes! yes, I am!

My brain hurts!

Well, let's take a look
at it, mr. gumby.

No, no, no...

My brain in my head.

Oh!

It'll have to come out.

Out... of my head?

Yes! all the bits of it.

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse!

Nurse, take mr. gumby
to a... brain surgeon.

Yes, doctor.

Where's the lancet?

He's brilliant, you know.

Where's the bloody lancet?

My brain hurts, too.

Gloves...

Glasses...

Moustache...

Handkerchief...

I'm going to operate!

Operate, operate...

Get bits
of brain!

Get bits of brain!

Hello!

Oh!

Oh!

We forgot
the anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

Anesthetic!

I've come to
anesthetize you!

Good evening.

Tonight I'd like to talk to you
about... oh, uh...

Excuse me, this is all wrong.

One moment.

Hello, again.

As I was saying...

Ah, oh, wait, this is
still not quite right.

Sorry.

No, no, sorry, no, not right.

Ah, this is better.

Now, tonight I want to look
at the meaning of life...

Oh! ow! oh! oh!

No, no, no...

No, no, please!

Hmm, ah, well...

This'll do nicely.

Good evening.

Tonight I'd like to talk to you

About the meaning of life

In the context of...

The 9:00 news,
which was to have followed

has been canceled tonight

so we can bring you
the quarterfinals

of the all-essex
badminton championship.

Your commentator as usual
is edna o'brien.

Hullo, fans.

Begorra, an' to be sure
there's some fine badminton

down there in essex
this afternoon.

We really...

Hmm.

George?

Yes, gladys?

There's a man here
with a moustache.

I already got one.

All right, all
right, all right

What's he want,
then?

He says, do we want

A documentary
on mollusks?

Mollusks?!

Yes!

What's he mean,
"mollusks"?

Mollusks!

Gastropods, lamellibranchs,
cephalopods!

Oh, mollusks.

I thought
you said "bacon."

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

What's he
charge, then?

It's free.

Oh! where does he
want us to sit?

He says yes!

Good evening.

Tonight, mollusks.

The mollusk is a soft-bodied,
unsegmented invertebrate animal

Usually protected
by a large shell.

One of the most numerous
groups of invertebrates

It is exceeded
in number of species

Only by the arthropods, viz...

Not very
interesting, is it?

What?

I was talking to him.

Oh.

Anyway, the typical mollusk,
viz a snail...

Consists of a prominent
muscular portion--

The head-foot--
a visceral mass and a shell

Which is secreted by
the free edge of the mantle.

Dreadful, isn't it?

What?

I was talking to him!

Oh... well, anyway...

In some mollusks, however,
viz, slugs

The shell is absent
or rudimentary.

Switch him off.

Whereas in others,
viz cephalopods

The head-foot
is greatly modified

And forms tentacles,
viz the squid.

What are
you doing?

Switching you off.

Don't you
like it?

Oh, it's dreadful.

Embarrassing.

Is it?

Yes, it's perfectly awful.

Disgraceful!

I don't know how they got
the nerve to put it on.

It's so boring.

Well, it's not much of a
subject, is it?

Be fair.

What do you think,
george?

Give him another 20 seconds.

All right.

Anyway, the majority
of mollusks

Are included
in three large groups:

The gastropods,
the lamellibranchs

And the cephalopods.

We know that!

However, what is
more interesting

Is the, uh...
mollusk's, uh...

Sex life.

Oh!

Yes, the mollusk is a randy
little fellow

Whose primitive brain
scarcely strays

From the subject
of you-know-what.

Disgusting!

Ought not
to be allowed.

The randiest of the gastropods

Is the limpet.

This hot-blooded little beast

With its tentlike shell
is always on the job.

Its extramarital
activities

Are something startling.

Frankly, I don't know
how the female limpet

Finds the time
to adhere to the rock face.

How am I doing?

Disgusting.

But more interesting.

Oh, yes.

Another loose-living gastropod
is the periwinkle.

This shameless little libertine

With its characteristic
ventral locomotion...

Is not the marrying kind--

"anywhere, anytime"
is its motto.

Up with the shell
and they're at it.

What about the lamellibranchs?

I'm coming to them.

The great scallop...

This tatty, scrofulous
old rapist

Is second in depravity
only to the common clam.

This latter is a right whore!

A harlot,
a trollop

A cynical, bed-hopping,
firm-breasted

Rabelaisian
bit of seafood

That makes fanny hill
look like a dead pope.

And finally among the
lamellibranch bivalves

That most depraved of the whole
subspecies, the whelk.

The whelk is nothing but
a homosexual of the worst kind.

This gay boy
of the gastropods

This queer crustacean,
this mincing mollusk

This screaming, prancing,
limp-wristed queen of the deep

Makes me sick.

Have you got one?

Here!

Let's kill it.

Disgusting!

There,
that'll teach it.

Well, thank you for
a very interesting program.

Oh, not at all,
thank you.

Yes, that was
very nice.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

And good night.

And now a word
from the man in the...

Street.

Anyway...

Ooo...

Coochy, coochy, coochy...

...dear little fellow.

Look at the twinkle in his eye.

Oh, he's a little dear,
isn't he?

You shouldn't let him
suck on a dummy, my dear.

Oh, my god... no!

Don't touch it!

The minister for not
listening to people

Toured batley today
to investigate allegations

Of victimization in home-loan
improvement grants

Made last week
by the shadow-minister

For judging people
at first sight

To be marginally worse
than they actually are.

At the home office, the minister
for inserting himself

In between chairs and walls
in men's clubs

Was at his desk
after a short illness.

He spent the morning
dealing with the irish situation

And later in the day
had long discussions

With the minister for running
upstairs two at a time

Flinging the door open

And saying, "ha, ha,
caught you, mildred."

In the commons there was
another day of heated debate

On the third reading
of the trade practices bill.

Mr. roland penrose

The undersecretary for
making deep growling noises...

Launched a bitter
personal attack

On the ex-minister for delving
deep into a black satin bag

And producing a tube
of euthymol toothpaste.

Later in the debate

The junior minister
for being frightened

By any kind of farm machinery

Challenged
the undersecretary of state

For hiding from terence rattigan

To produce the current year's
trading figures

As supplied by the department
of stealing packets of bandages

From the self-service counter
at timothy whites

And selling them again
at a considerable profit.

Parliament rose at 11:30

And, crawling along a dark
passageway into the old rectory

Broke down the door
to the serving hatch

Painted the spare room

And next weekend
I think they'll be able

To make a start
on the boys' bedroom.

While amy and roger--
up in london for two days--

Go to see
the mysterious mr. grenville.

He in turn
has been revealed by d'arcy

As something less
than an honest man.

Sybil feels once again

A resurgence
of her old affection

And she and balreau return

To her little house
in clermont-ferrand--

The kind of two-up,
two-down house

That most french workers--
and, indeed, most workers

Throughout the european
community-- are living in today.

The ease of construction

Using on-site prefabrication
facilities

Makes cheap housing a reality.

The walls of these houses
are lined

With prestressed asbestos, which
keeps the house warm and snuggly

And ever so safe
from the big bad rabbit

Who can scratch and scratch
for all he's worth

But he just can't get
into porky's house.

Where is porky?

Here he is.

What a funny little chap.

But porky is one
of the lucky ones.

He survived the urban upheaval
of the '30s and '40s.

For him, jarrow is still
just a memory.

The hunger marches,
the east end riots

The collapse of
the labor government in 1931

Are dim reminders of the days

Before a newfound affluence
swept the land

Making it clean and tidy

And making all the shops
full of nice things:

Lovely choo-choo trains and toys

And shiny cars that go
"brrm, brrm, brrm"

And everybody was happy
and singing all the day long

And nobody saw
the big bad rabbit ever again.

But, of course,
it's all very easy

To blame the big bad rabbit

When by-elections are going
against the government.

Ut how often do you think

We should really
be blaming ourselves?

Because, you know, that's where
we ought to start looking.

Hello... all the activity
you can see here in progress

Is part of the intricate...

Preparations for the british
naval expedition to lake pahoe.

The leader of the expedition is

Sir jane russell.

Sir jane, what is the purpose of
your expedition?

Well, this is a completely
uncharted lake

With, like, hitherto
unclassified marine life, man

So the whole scene's wide open
for a scientific exploration.

One can see the immense
amount of preparation involved.

Have there been
many difficulties

In setting up this venture?

Well, the real hang-up
was with the bread, man

But when the top-brass pigs
came through

We got it together
in a couple of moons.

Commodore betty grable,
who's a real sub-aqua head

Has got it together diving-wise

And, like, the whole gig's
been a real gas, man.

Thank you.

Lieutenant commander
dorothy lamour.

Pieces of eight.

Dorothy, you're in charge
of the security and liaison

For this operation.

Right on.

You've kept this all
very hush-hush so far, shipmate.

Yeah, it's been
really heavy, man

With all these freaks
from the fascist press

Trying to blow
the whole scene.

There's no doubt
about it

This expedition
does have

Some rather unusual
aspects, jim lad.

For a start, why do the senior
personnel all bear the names

Of hollywood film stars
of the '40s

And female ones at that?

Shiver me timbers,
'tis the black spot

And secondly, I be not afraid
of thee, blind pew!

Why do they talk this
rather strange, stilted

Underground jargon?

Belay the main brace, squire trelawney,
this be my ship now!

Ah! a tranquilizing
dart fired

By the cowardly bbc
health department dogs.

They've done filled me full
of chlorpromazine! damn!

I'm sorry about my colleague's
rather unconventional behavior.

The navy's
out of sight!

Come together
with the r.n.

It really is something
other than else.

Can you dig it, man?

Hello... I'm sorry
about my colleague's

Rather unconventional
behavior just now

But things haven't been
too easy for him recently--

Trouble at home--

Rather confidential, so I can't
give you all the details

Interesting though they are.

Three bottles of rum with
his weetabix, and so forth.

Anyway... apparently,
the girl wasn't even...

Anyway, the activity
you see behind me...

It's the mother
I feel sorry for.

I'll start again.

The activity you see behind me
is part of the preparations

For the new naval expedition
to lake pahoe.

The man in charge
of this expedition is

Vice admiral
sir john cunningham.

Sir john,
hello, there.

Hello... well,
first of all

I'd like
to apologize

For the behavior of certain of
my colleagues

You may have
seen earlier

But they are
from broken homes

Circus families
and so on

And they are in no
way representative

Of the new, modern,
improved british navy.

They are a small,
vociferous minority.

And may I take
this opportunity

Of emphasizing that there is
no cannibalism

In the british navy--

Absolutely none.

And when I say none

I mean there is
a certain amount--

More than we are
prepared to admit--

But all new ratings
are warned

That if they wake up
in the morning

And find any
tooth marks at all

Anywhere on
their bodies

They're to tell
me immediately

So that I can immediately take
every measure

To hush the
whole thing up.

And finally, necrophilia
is right out.

Now, this expedition
is primarily

To investigate reports of cannibalism
and necrophilia in...

This expedition
is primarily

To investigate reports of
unusual marine life

In the as-yet
uncharted lake pahoe.

And where exactly
is the lake?

Uh... 22a,
runcorn avenue.

Yes, that's right, 22a.

Runcorn avenue?

Yes, it's just
by blenheim crescent.

Do you know it?

Uh, you mean it's
in an ordinary street?

It is not an
ordinary street--

It's got
a lake in it!

Yes, but i...

Look, how many
streets do you know

That have got
lakes in them?

I mean, is it very large?

Of course
it's not large.

You couldn't get a large lake in
runcorn avenue!

You'd have to knock down
the tobacconist's!

Jenkins...

No!

I'm now standing
in runcorn avenue.

Sir john, where
exactly is the lake?

Uh, well let's see,
that's 18...

That's 20,
so this must be the one.

Um, excuse me, um...

Yes, this is
the one, all right.

But it's
an ordinary house.

Look, I'm getting
pretty irritated

With this line
of questioning.

But it doesn't even
look like a lake.

Look, your whole approach
since this interview started

Has been
to mock the navy.

When I think that
for the likes of you

I had both my legs
blown off...

But you haven't had both
your legs blown off!

I was talking
metaphorically, you fool.

Jenkins...

Put that down.

Right, is
the equipment ready?

Diving equipment
all ready, man.

Right... now,
quite simply

The approach to lake pahoe
is up the steps

And then we come to
the shores of the lake.

Now, I'm going
to press the bell

Just to see if
there's anyone in.

Hello?

Good morning, I'm looking
for a lake pahoe.

There's a mr. padgett.

No, no, a lake.

There's no lake here, mate.

This is runcorn avenue.

What's that camera doing?

Camera? what's he want?

Ooh, are we on the telly?

He's looking
for a lake.

Lake pahoe.

Oh, you want downstairs,
22a, the basement.

Ah! thank you very much,
good morning.

Come on, men, downstairs.

Uh, were you successful,
sir john?

It's in the basement.

In the basement?

Pieces of eight!

Ugh!

Hello?

Oh, I think it's
someone about the damp.

Hello.

Tell them

About the
bleeding rats, too.

I'll go.

Yes?

Good morning,
is this lake pahoe?

Well, I don't know about that,
but it's bleeding damp.

Are you from the council?

No, we are the official british naval
expedition to this lake.

May we come in?

Hang on.

Bloody sharks.

Get back in...

Get in.

Get in.

Well, that would appear
to be the end of the expedition.

The magna carta--

Was it a document signed
at runnymede

In 1215 by king john

Pledging independence
to the english barons

Or was it a piece of chewing gum
on a bedspread in dorset?

The latter idea is
the brainchild of a man

New to the field
of historical research.

Mr. badger, why... why are you on
this program?

Well, I think I can answer
this question

Most successfully in mime.

But why dorset?

Well, I have for a long time
been suffering

From a species of brain injury

Which I incurred
during the rigors of childbirth

And I'd like to conclude
by putting my finger up my nose.

Mr. badger, I think
you're the silliest person

We've ever had on this program

And so I'm going
to ask you

To have dinner
with me.

My wife maureen ran off
with a bottle of bell's whiskey

During the aberdeen
versus raith rovers match

Which ended
in a goal-less draw.

Robson, particularly, in goal,
had a magnificent first half

His fine positional sense
preventing the build-up

Of any severe pressure
on the suspect aberdeen defense.

Mcloughlan missed
an easy chance

To clinch the game towards
the final whistle

But raith must be
well satisfied

With their point.

Do please go on.

This is the least fascinating
conversation I've ever had.

Would you like to order, sir?

Yes, mr. badger, what would you
like to start with?

Uh, I'll have a whiskey
to start with.

For first course, sir?

Aye.

And for main course, sir?

Uh, I'll have a whiskey
for main course

And I'll follow that with a
whiskey for pudding.

Yes, sir, and what would you
like with it, sir? a whiskey?

No, a bottle of wine.

"fine, sir," he said
between clenched teeth

Knowing full well it was
a most unrewarding part.

This is the silliest sketch
I've ever been in.

Shall we stop it?

Yeah, all right.