Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 4 - Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror - full transcript

Hello, good evening, and
welcome to another edition

Of blood, devastation,
death, war and horror

And later on
we'll be talking

To a man who
does gardening

But our first guest
in the studio tonight

Is a man who talks
entirely in anagrams.

Taht si crreoct.

Do you enjoy this?

I stom certainly od

Revy chum so.

And what's your name?



Hamrag, hamrag yatlerot.

Well, graham, nice to
have you on the show.

Now, where do
you come from?

Bumcreland.

Cumberland?

Staht sit sepreicly.

And I believe you're working

On an anagram version
of shakespeare.

Sey, sey, taht si crreoct.

Uh... ta the mnemot, I'm wroking
on "the mating of the wersh."

"the mating of the wersh,"
by william shakespeare?

Nay, by malliwi rapesheake.

And, uh... what else?

"two netlemeg of verona"



"twelfth thing,"
"the chamrent of venice."

Have you done "hamlet"?

"thamle."

"be ot or bot ne ot,
tath is the nestquie."

And what is your next project?

"ring kichard the thrid."

I'm sorry?

"a shroe! a shroe!

My dingkome for a shroe!"

Ah, "ring kichard," yes.

But surely that's
not an anagram

That's a spoonerism.

If you're going
to split hairs

I'm going to piss off.

Now...

It's...

Tony m. nyphot's flying risccu.

Mrs. scab, you have 12 hours
to beat the clock.

Correct!

I've done it!

I've done it.

Ha, ha, ha!

Hello?

Ah, mr. victim.

Yes, I'm glad to say
that I've got the go-ahead

To lend you
the money you require.

Yes, we will of course want as
security the deeds of your house

Of your aunt's house,
of your second cousin's house

Of your wife's parents' house
and of your grannie's bungalow

And we will in addition
need a controlling interest

In your new company

Unrestricted access
to your private bank account

The deposit in our vaults of
your three children as hostages

And a full legal indemnity
against any acts of embezzlement

Carried out against you
by any members of our staff

During the normal course
of their duties.

No, I'm afraid we couldn't
accept your dog

Instead of your youngest child.

We would like to suggest
a brand-new scheme of ours

Under which 51% of both your dog
and your wife pass to us

In the event of your suffering
a serious accident.

Fine... no, not at all.

Nice to do business with you.

Uh... miss godfrey, could you
send in mr. ford, please?

Now, where's that dictionary?

Ah, yes, here we are...

Inner life.

Inner life.

Come in.

Ah... mr. ford, isn't it?

That's right.

How do you do?

I'm a merchant banker.

How do you do,
mr., uh...

I forget my name for the moment

But I am a merchant banker.

Oh, I wondered whether
you'd like to contribute

To the orphan's home.

Well, I don't want to show my
hand too early, but actually

Here at slater nazi we are
quite keen to get into orphans

You know, developing market
and all that.

What sort of sum
did you have in mind?

Well... uh... you're a rich man.

Yes, I am, yes, yes...
very, very rich.

Quite phenomenally wealthy.

Yes, I do... I do own the most
startling quantities of cash.

Yes, quite right.

You're rather a smart
young lad, aren't you?

We could do with
someone like you

To feed
the pantomime horse.

Very smart.

Thank you, sir.

Now, you
were saying

I'm very, very, very,
very, very, very

Very, very, very rich.

So... how about a pound?

A pound... yes, I see.

Now, this loan
would be secured by...

It's not...
it's not a loan, sir.

What?

It's not a loan.

Ah...

You get one
of these, sir.

A bit small for a share
certificate, isn't it?

Look, I think I'd
better run this over

To our legal department.

If you could possibly
pop back on friday...

Do you have
to do that?

Couldn't you just
give me the pound?

Yes, but you see, I don't
know what it's for.

It's for the orphans.

Yes?

It's a gift.

A what?

A gift.

Oh, a gift!

A tax dodge.

No, no, no, no.

No?

Well, I'm
awfully sorry.

I don't understand.

Can you just explain
exactly what you want?

Well, I want you
to give me a pound

And then I go away

And give it
to the orphans.

Yes?

Well, that's it.

No, no, no, I don't
follow this at all.

I mean, I don't
want to seem stupid

But it looks to me as though I'm
a pound down on the whole deal.

Yes, you are.

I am.

Well, what is my incentive
to give you the pound?

Well, the incentive is
to make the orphans happy.

Happy?

You quite sure
you've got this right?

Yes, lots of people
give me money.

What, just like that?

Yes.

Must be sick.

I don't suppose
you could give me

A list of their names and
addresses, could you?

No, I just go up to them
in the street and ask.

Good lord!

That's the most
exciting new idea

I've heard in years!

It's so simple
it's brilliant.

Well, if that
idea of yours

Isn't worth a pound

I'd like
to know what is.

Thank you, sir.

The only trouble is...

You gave me the idea

Before I'd given
you the pound.

And that's not
good business.

Isn't it?

No, I'm afraid
it isn't.

So... off you go.

Nice to do business with you.

Anyway.

And off we go again.

Uh... miss godfrey,
could you send in

The pantomime horses, please?

Now, I've
asked you...

Now, I've
asked you...

Shut up!

Now, I've asked
you in here

To see me
this morning

Because I'm afraid

We're going to have
to let one of you go.

I'm very sorry, but the present
rationalization of this firm

Makes it inevitable
that we hive one of you off.

Now, you may think that
this is very harsh behavior

But let me tell you
that our management consultants

Actually queried the necessity

For us to employ
a pantomime horse at all.

And so the decision has to be
made which one of you is to go.

Champion...

How many years have you
been with this firm?

Trigger?

I see... well, it's
a difficult decision

But in accordance with our
traditional principles

Of free enterprise
and healthy competition

I'm going to ask the two of you
to fight to the death for it.

No, I'm afraid there's
no redundancy scheme.

In the hard and unrelenting
world of nature

The ceaseless struggle
for survival continues.

This time one of the pantomime
horses concedes defeat

And so lives
to fight another day.

Here in a colony of sea lions,
we see a huge bull sea lion

Seeing off an intruding bull

Who is attempting
to intrude on his harem.

This pattern
of aggressive behavior

Is typical
of these documentaries.

Here we see two limpets

Locked in a life-or-death
struggle for territory.

The huge bull limpet,
enraged by the rock

Endeavors to encircle
its sprightly opponent.

Here we see an ant.

This ant is engaged in a life-
or-death struggle with the wolf.

You can see the ant creeping up
on the wolf on all sixes.

Now he stops to observe.

Satisfied that the wolf has not
heard him, he approaches nearer.

With great skill,
he chooses his moment

And then, quick as a limpet

With one mighty bound, buries
his fangs in the wolf's neck.

The wolf struggles to no avail.

A battle of this kind can take
anything up to 15 years

Because the timber ant
has such a tiny mouth.

Here we see heinz sielmann

Engaged in a life-or-death
struggle with peter scott.

They are engaged in a bitter
punch-up over repeat fees

On the overseas sales
of their nature documentaries.

Now they have been joined
by an enraged jacques cousteau.

This is typical
of the harsh and bitchy world

Of television features.

Here we see a honeybear

Not engaged in a life-or-death
struggle about anything.

These honeybears are placid
and peaceful creatures

And consequently bad television.

Here we see a pantomime horse.

It is engaged
in a life-or-death struggle

For a job with a merchant bank.

However, his rival employee,
the huge bull pantomime horse

Is lying in wait for him.

Poor pantomime horse.

Here we see a pantomime goose

Engaged in a life-or-death
struggle with terence rattigan.

The enraged goose fires.

Poor terence...

Another victim
of this silly film.

Here we see an enraged
pantomime princess margaret.

She is lying in wait
for her breakfast.

The unsuspecting breakfast
glides ever closer to its doom.

The enraged pantomime royal
person is poised for the kill.

She raises her harpoon
and fires.

Pang!

Right in the toast.

A brief struggle,
and all is over.

Poor breakfast.

Another victim of...

Oh, a pantomime phrase caught
himself

A nice little
dinner, fred.

I think the dining room
wants his din-dins, too.

Your turn today, dear.

All right, mr. bedroom.

You'll get your dinner, too.

Postman.

Oh...

Well, the 69's late again today.

Do you hear
that, tim?

Yep... could
just be

The house we're
looking for.

This, then, is the story
of two desperate men

Hired by the good people
at n.c.p. car parks

To hunt down and destroy
houses too dangerous to live.

Well, what
do you think?

Oh, these are house droppings,
all right.

Okay, let's go.

Pst, over here.

That's the one.

Cover me.

I'm going to make
a try for it.

And so, thanks once again
to the unceasing efforts

Of the good people
at n.c.p. car parks

The world is made
just a little bit safer.

"sketch just starting,
actor wanted."

G-good morning.

Morning, sir.

I'd like to join
the army, please.

I see.

Short service or long service
commission, sir?

Uh, long
as possible, please.

Right, well, I'll just take
a few particulars

And then...

Shove off!

And then there'll be
a few forms to sign.

Of course we'll
need some references

And then a full medical
examination by the...

Yes, I see.

I-i was just wondering

Whether it would
be possible

For me to... join...

The women's army.

The women's royal
army corps, sir?

Uh, yes, I was just
thinking, you know

If it was possible
for me to have my choice

I'd prefer to be in the
women's royal army corps.

Well, I'm afraid that
the people that recruit here

Normally go straight
into the scots guards.

Which is all men, I suppose.

Yes, it is.

Yes.

Are there any regiments

Which are more...
effeminate than others?

Well, no, sir.

I mean, apart from the marines,
they're all dead butch.

See, what
I really wanted

Was a regiment where
I could be really quiet

And have more
time to myself

To work with fabrics

And creating new concepts
in interior design.

Working with fabrics

And experimenting
with interior design?

Yes.

Oh, well, you want the durham
light infantry, then, sir.

Oh.

That's the only regiment that's
really doing something new

With interior design--

With color, texture
and line and that.

I see.

Oh, yes-- I mean

Their use of color
with fabrics is fantastic.

I saw their pattern book
the other day--

Beautiful, beautiful.

Savage tans...

Great slabs of black,
set against aggressive orange.

It really makes you
want to shout out

"this is good! this is real!"

Really?

Oh, yes-- I mean

The inniskillin fusiliers

And the anglian regiment
are all right

If you're interested

In the art nouveau
william morris revival bit

But if you really want
a regimental line

That is really saying
something about interior decor

Then you've got to go
for the durham light infantry.

Oh, I've had
enough of this.

I'm handing in my notice.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, when i
applied for this job

I thought I'd get
a few decent lines

But you end up
doing the whole thing.

I mean, my last five
speeches have been

"really", "really", "I see",
"I see" and "really".

I wouldn't give
those lines to a dog.

All right, all right,
all right, sonny.

I'll tell you what.

We'll do
something different.

I'll be a bus conductor,
and you can be

A really funny
passenger on a bus.

Any more
fares, please?

I've got a chauffeur

And every time I go
to the lavatory

He drives me potty!

Boom-boom!
one in a row.

I'm not unusual,
I'm just...

Fivepenny, please.

Five beautiful pennies
going into the bag

And you are
the lucky winner of...

One fivepenny ticket.

What's the welshman
doing under the bed?

He's having a leak!

Oh, they're all
in here tonight.

Look!

I am looking.

It's the only way I can keep
my eyelids apart.

Boom-boom!
every one a maserati.

Look, you said I was going to be
a funny passenger.

What do you mean?

I mean, all I said was,
"fivepenny, please."

You can't call
that a funny line.

Well, it's the way
you said it.

No, it isn't.

Nobody can say
"fivepenny, please"

And make it funny.

Fivepenny, please.

Morning.

Not so warm today,
eh, george?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Come in, mr. horton.

Morning, sir.

Do, uh...

Do sit down.

Thank you, sir.

Now, then, horton.

You've been
with us for 20 years

And your work in
the accounts department

Has been immaculate.

No, no-- please
don't say anything.

As I say, your work has
been beyond reproach.

But unfortunately

The effect you are having
on your colleagues

Has undermined the competence...

Has undermined the competence
of this firm to such a point

That I'm afraid
I've got no option...

But to sack you.

I'm sorry
to hear that, sir.

It couldn't have
come at a worse time.

There's school fees
for the two boys coming up

And the wife's treatment
costing more now, sir.

I don't know where the money's
coming from as it is.

And now I don't
see any future.

I'd been hoping I might be able
to hang on here

Just for the last
couple of years

But now... i...

I just want
to go out and end it all.

Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

And now for the fish--

The fish
down the trousers.

It's your laugh, mate,
it's not mine.

It's your trousers, not my trousers--
your trousers.

And now for
the whitewash.

The whitewash
over you...

Not over me,
it's over you.

You get the laughs.

You get all
the laughs.

And now for the custard pie
in the mush.

It's not my mush,
it's your mush.

It's your laugh--

It's your laugh,
mate, it's not mine.

It's your
bleeding laugh.

Good evening.

Well, tonight
we're going to talk about...

Well, that is,
I'm going to talk about...

Well, actually,
I'm talking about it now.

Well, I'm not talking
about it now, but I am talking.

I know I'm pausing occasionally

And not talking
during the pauses

But the pauses are part
of the whole process of talking.

When one talks,
one has to pause.

Uh... like then.

I paused,
but I was still talking.

And again there!

The real point
of what I'm saying is

That when I appear
not to be talking

Don't go nipping out to the
kitchen, putting the kettle on

Buttering scones

Or getting crumbs
and bits of food

Out of those round,
brown straw mats

That the teapot goes on,
you know.

Because in all probability,
I'm still talking

And what you heard was a pause.

Like there again.

Look, to make it
absolutely easier

So there's no problem at all

What I'll do is I'll give you
some kind of sign, like this...

When I'm still talking and
only pausing in between words.

And when I'm finished altogether
I'll do this, all right?

No, no, sorry!

No, no.

Sorry, just demonstrating.

Haven't finished.

Haven't started yet.

Oh, dear.

Nearly forgot the gesture.

Hope none of you are
nipping out into the kitchen

Getting bits of food out
of those round, brown mats

Which the...

Good evening.

Tonight, I want to talk about...

We interrupt this program
to annoy you

And make things
generally irritating for you.

...with a large piece
of wet paper.

Turn the paper over...

Turn the paper over,
keeping your eye on the camel

And paste down the edge
of the sailor's uniform

Until the word "maudling"
is almost totally obscured.

Well, that's one way
of doing it.

Good evening.

We interrupt
this program again

"a, " to irritate you

And "b, " to provide work
for one of our announcers.

Good evening.

I'm the announcer who's just
been given this job by the bbc

And I'd just like to say
how grateful I am to the bbc

For providing me with work

Particularly at
this time of year

When things are a bit thin
for us announcers.

Um...

I don't know whether
I should tell you this, but...

Well, I have been going through
a rather tough time recently.

Things have been
pretty awful at home.

My wife, josephine--
"joe-jums"as I call her--

Who's also an announcer...

Hello.

Uh, has not been able
to announce

Since our youngest, clifford,
was born, and...

Well, I've just got
no confidence left.

I mean... I can't get up
in the morning.

I feel there's
nothing worth living for.

Hello, I'm another announcer.

My name is dick.

Joe-jums just rang me

And said jack was having a bad
time with this announcement

So I've just come
to give him a hand.

How is he, joe-jums?

Pretty bad, dick.

Jack, it's dick.

Do you want me
to make the announcement?

No.

No, dick, I must do it myself.

It's my last chance
with the bbc.

I can't throw it away.

I've got to do it

For joe-jums, for the kids...

I've got to go through with it.

Good man.

Now, remember
your announcer's training--

Deep breaths, and try not to
think about what you're saying.

Good evening.

This is bbc 1.

Good luck, jack.

Keep going, old boy.

It's 9:00

And time for the news

Read by richard baker.

You've done it!

Congratulations, old man!

Was it okay?

Absolutely top-o!

Absolutely marvelous.

You know you were!

Fantastic, darling!

You were brilliant, really.

It's so marvelous
to have you here.

For god's sake, drink this...

You were rock solid.

Thanks very much.

I can't tell you
how much that means.

I think it's a turning point...

Hello, reggie.

What?

Is that gordon?

Yes-- hang on, reggie.

...until the name maudling
is almost totally obscured.

That is the ned
of the nicloe-nock wens.

And now it's time
for the late-night flim.

Oh!

Oh, pantomime horse,
that was... wonderful!

Would you like
another glass?

Oh, no, no, I mustn't.

It makes me throw up.

Oh, I'm so
bleeding happy.

Oh, simone.

Oh, pantomime horse.

Then...

And now the english
pantomime horse

Has very nearly caught up with
the russian pantomime horse.

I think he's going
to take him any moment now.

But what is this?
what is this?

Yes, it's the pantomime
princess margaret

And the pantomime goose

And they're attacking
the english pantomime horse

And the russian
pantomime horse has got away

But who is this?

My goodness me!

It's the duke of kent
to the rescue.

Here you see

Some english comic actors

Engaged in a life-or-death
struggle

With a rather weak ending.

This is typical of
the zany, madcap world

Of the irresistible,
kooky funsters.

The english pantomime horse wins

And so is assured
of a place in british history

And a steady job
in a merchant bank.

Unfortunately, before
his pension rights are assured

He catches bronchitis and dies

Another victim of the need
to finish these shows on time.