Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 3 - The Money Programme - full transcript
"The Money Program" features a Swiss banker, a city accountant and a song of praise.
Good evening, and welcome
to the money programme.
Tonight on the money programme,
we're going to look at money--
Lots of it,
on film and in the studio
Some of it in nice piles
Others in lovely clanky bits
of loose change
Some of it neatly counted
into fat little hundreds
Delicate fivers stuffed
into bulging wallets
Nice, crisp, clean checks
Pert pieces of copper coinage
thrust deep into trouser pockets
Romantic foreign money
rolling against the thigh
With rough familiarity
Beautiful wayward
curlicued bank notes
Filigree copper-plating
cheek by jowl
With tumbling
hexagonal-milled edges
Rubbing gently
against the terse leather
Of beautifully balanced
bank books!
I'm sorry.
But I love money...
All money.
I've always wanted money
to handle, to touch
The smell
of the rain-washed florin
The lure of the lira
The glitter and the glory
of the guinea
The romance of the ruble,
the feel of the franc
The heel of the deutsche mark
The cold antiseptic sting
of the swiss franc
And the sunburned splendor
of the australian dollar.
I've got funt90,000
in my pajamas
I've got 40,000 french francs
in my fridge
I've got lots and lots
of lira
Now the deutsche mark's
getting dearer
And my dollar bills
would buy the brooklyn bridge
There is nothing
quite as wonderful as money
There is nothing quite
as beautiful as cash
Some people say it's folly,
but I'd rather have the lolly
With money
you can make a smash
There is nothing quite as wonderful as
money, money, money, money, money
There is nothing like a newly minted pound
money, money, money, money
Everyone must hanker
for the butchness of a banker
It's accountancy that makes the world
go round, round, round, round
You can keep
your marxist ways
For it's only just a phase
It's money, money, money
makes the world go round
Money, money, money, money
Money, money, money,
money, money!
Now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I bling a dispatch
flom prymouth.
"flom prymouth"?
Flom sil flancis dlake.
Entel and apploach
the thlone.
What news
flom prymouth?
Dlake has sighted
the spanish freet, youl majesty.
So! phirip's garreons ale hele.
How many?
One hundled and thilty-six
men of wal
Broody herr.
Is dlake plepaled?
He has oldeled the whore freet
into the blitish channer.
So, we must to tirbuly.
Reicestel!
Sil wartel lareigh!
Groucester!
we sharr lide to...
Groucestel!
groucestel!
Not "groucester!"
Come on.
ret's get one light.
Reicestel!
That was telliber.
What?
Telliber.
When you have the rine
Ling your berr.
Ling my berr?
Ling, ling.
rike this.
And cut the
broody herr.
Erizabeth!
Yes?
You should be
on a bicycer.
Why?!
You rook odd rike that.
I do not look odd like this.
It's that lot
that looks odd.
It's bleeding weird having
half the tudor nobility
Ligging around on
motorized bicycles!
It's vely sullearist.
Horse feathers!
Listen, mate, I'm beginning
To have my doubts about you.
What you mean?
I'm telling you
straight, mate.
I don't think you're
luchino visconti at all.
Oh, of coulse, I am.
Me vely impoltant
itarian firm dilectol.
You are a nip.
Lubbish!
Me genuine wop!
Alliveldelchi loma
He's bluffing.
Vo-rale,
oh-oh-oh-oh...
Oh, is that
the time?
I must fry.
Not so fast, yakomoto.
Shut up!
Allow me
to introduce myself.
I am inspector leopard
of scotland yard
Special fraud
film director squad.
Leopard of the yard?!
The same,
only more violent.
Right, slit-eyes yakomoto,
I'm arresting you
For the impersonation
of signor luchino visconti
Famous italian director
of such movie classics
As obsessione, 1942
La terra trema, 1948
And bellissima, 1951--
A satisfyingly ironic
slice-of-life drama.
1957 brought
to the silver screen
His I bianche notte,
adapted by dostoyevsky
A mannered and romantic
melancholy of snow and mists
And moonlit encounters
on canal bridges.
Boccaccio 70 followed
five years later
And the following year saw...
The leopard!
So impressed was i
With this motion picture
treatment of the risorgimento
That I went along
to somerset house
And changed me own name
to "leopard"
Preferring it to me
original handle, "panther."
I digress.
1969 saw the damned,
a gotterdammerung epic
Of political
and industrial shenanigans
In good old nazi germany
Starring helmut berger
as a stinking transvestite
What should have
his face sawn off
The curvaceous charlotte
rampling as a bit of tail
And the impeccable
dirk bogarde as von essen.
The association of the latter
with signor visconti
Fructified with dirk's
magnificent portrayal
Of the elderly pouf
what expires in venice.
And so, yakomoto...
Blimey! he gone!
Never mind.
I'll have you instead.
I haven't time to go
chasing after him.
There's violence
to be done.
Oh, yes.
All right, buster.
Hands up!
I would like to ask the team
what they would do
if they were hitler.
Gerald?
Well, I'd, uh...
annex the sudetenland
and sign a nonaggression pact
with russia.
Norman?
Well, I'd do the reichstag
bathroom in purples and golds
and ban abortion on demand.
Liberal rubbish!
Klaus, what you want
with your jugged fish?
Halibut.
The jugged fish is halibut.
Well, what fish you got
that isn't jugged then?
Rabbit.
What? rabbit fish?
Yes. it's got fins.
Is it dead?
Well, it was coughing up blood
last night.
All right, I'll have the dead
unjugged rabbit fish.
Well, that was
really horrible.
Oh, you're always
complaining.
What's for afters?
Well, there's rat cake,
rat sorbet
Rat pudding or strawberry tart.
Strawberry tart?!
Well, it's got some rat in it.
How much?
Three.
It's rather a lot, really.
Well, I'll have a slice without
so much rat in it.
Appalling.
Moan, moan, moan.
Hello, mum.
hello, dad.
Hello, son.
There's a dead bishop
on the landing.
Where did that come from?
What do you mean?
What's its diocese?
Well, it looked a bit bath
and wellsish to me.
I'll go
and have a look.
I don't know who keeps
bringing them in here.
Well, it's not me.
I put three
out by the bin
And the dustmen
won't touch 'em.
Leicester.
how'd you know?
Tattooed on the back
of his neck.
I'm going to call
the police.
Shouldn't you call
the church?
Call the church
police.
All right.
the church police!
Yes?
There's another...
there's a dead bishop...
Suffragan?
There's another dead
bishop on the landing.
Suffragan
or diocesan?
How should I know?
Its tattooed on the
back of their necks.
Ere!
Is that rat tart?
Yes.
Disgusting.
Right!
The hunt is on.
Oh, lord, we
beseech thee...
Tell us who croaked
leicester.
All right, it's a fair cop
But society is to blame.
Agreed.
I would like the three
by the bin
To be taken
into consideration.
Right. and now, I'd like
to conclude this arrest
With a hymn.
And did those feet
In ancient times
Walk upon
england's mountains green
And was the holy lamb of god
On england's
pleasant pastures seen...
Oh, shut up!
Thank you.
What?
Ere. oh, ooh.
Ow! oh. ah, oh...
Oh!
Oh, oh, whoa! oh.
Oh! whoa!
Oh. oh-oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! ooh! oh!
Whee-hee-hee!
whoa!
Yahoo!
Yay!
Whee!
Meanwhile, in the jungle
next door...
What a simply super
little place.
Yes. they've done
wonders with it.
You know, this
used to be one
Of the most swampy, disease-infested
areas of the whole jungle
And they've turned it into this
smashing little restaurant.
Here you are, omkami.
thank you.
Well, hello, mr. akwekwe.
Hello there, mr. spare-buttons-
supplied-with-the-shirt.
Nice to see you again.
These are some
of my fellow explorers.
Sir charles farquarson,
brian bailey, betty bailey
And this is mr. akwekwe
who started the whole place.
It really
is super.
Oh, terrific idea.
Thank you all.
May I recommend
the alligator purees?
Now then, have you decided?
Uh, yes. well, there's two
avocado vinaigrette here
And what are you
going to have, brian?
Uh, quiche lorraine
for me, please.
Right. so that's two
avocado, one quiche.
So, that's two avocado,
one quiche.
And a soup
of the day.
Right.
And to follow?
Uh, two chicken
a la reine, please.
Uh, with sauce provencal,
please.
And one scampi desiree.
And a boeuf bourguignon
with a green salad.
Right on.
Two chicken, one scampi
One boeuf
with the green salad.
There may be...
A little delay.
That's fine,
but we have to be out by 3:00.
Yes, sir. yes.
we'll try.
We'll try.
The bbc would like to announce
That the next scene
is not considered suitable
For family viewing.
It contains scenes of violence
Involving people's heads
and arms getting chopped off
Their ears nailed to trees
And their toenails pulled out
in slow motion.
There are also scenes of naked
women with floppy breasts.
And also at one point,
you can see a pair of buttocks
And there's another bit where
I swear you can see everything
But my friend says it's just
the way he's holding the spear.
Because of the unsuitability
of the scene
The bbc will be replacing it
With a scene from a repeat
of gardening club for 1958.
And now, back to the story.
That was a nasty business
back at the restaurant.
Yes. I thought most places took
barclaycard nowadays.
Where do you think
they're taking us, brian?
God knows.
Look!
The sacred
volcano andu!
Which no man
has seen before.
No, no, no.
next to that.
No, no, no, no.
nextto that.
The forbidden plateau
of roiurama.
The lost world.
Thrown up
by mighty earth movements
Thousands of millions
of years ago.
Where strange primeval creatures
defying evolution
Lurk in the dark,
impenetrable forests
Cut off forever
from the outside world.
I still can't see it.
You don't think that's
where they're taking us.
Yes. and god knows
what we'll find there.
What page, please?
What?
What page
in the script?
Page seven.
"come on, you dogs.
we have far to go.
We must lose no time."
Come on, you dogs.
we have far to go.
We must lose no time.
Come on, you...
Come on, you dogs.
We have time to lose.
This has gone too far.
Meanwhile, back in london
At the british explorers club
in the mall...
Any news of betty bailey's
expedition, hargreaves?
Uh...
Uh...
Page... page nine.
Oh, thank you.
Uh... the lost world
of roiurama.
That's...
that's my line.
Oh. sorry.
Where were they
going, sir?
The lost world of roiurama.
Yes, sir.
we've got a telegram.
Oh.
"reads it."
"expedition superb,
weather excellent.
Everything wonderful."
I wonder
what's gone wrong.
For god's sake,
be careful...
Wait a minute.
I'm going to go after them.
Oh! for god's sake,
be careful.
My god, betty,
we're done for.
We'll never
get out of here.
We're completely
lost. lost!
Even the natives
have gone.
Good-bye, betty.
Good-bye, farquarson.
Good-bye, brian.
It's been
a great expedition.
Great expedition.
All that'll be left of us is
a map, a compass
And a few feet of film recording
our last moments.
Wait a minute!
What is it?
If we're on film...
There must be someone
filming us.
My god, betty!
You're right!
Look!
hello!
Great to see you!
Super to see you.
Super!
How are you, mates?
Jolly good!
Wait a minute!
What is it again?
If this is the crew
who were filming us...
Who's filming us now?
Look!
Cut there, man.
Cut there.
No... no good.
How we going to get
that feeling
Of personal alienation
of self from society
With this load
of bulldog drummond crap?
When I was doing la notte
with that monica vitti gal
She didn't give me
None of this
empire-building shit, man.
Not so fast, akarumba.
Allow me to
introduce myself.
I'm inspector baboon
Of scotland yard's special
fraud film director's squad.
Jungle division.
Baboon of the yard!
Shut up!
Right, akarumba.
I'm arresting you for impersonating
signor michelangelo antonioni
An italian film director
Who co-scripts
all his own films
Largely jettisoning narrative in favor
of vague incident
And relentless character study.
In his first film
cronaca di un amore, 1915
The couple are brought together
by a shared irrational guilt.
Le amiche followed in 1955
And 1959 saw the first of
antonioni's world-famous trilogy
L'avventura, an acute study
of boredom, restlessness
And the futilities and agonies
of purposeless living.
In l'eclisse three years later
This analysis of the sentiments
was taken up once again.
"we do not have to know each
other to love," says the heroine
"and perhaps,
we do not have to love."
The eclipse of the emotions
finally casts its shadow
When darkness descends...
Signor antonioni first makes use
of color to underline...
And now on bbc 1
Another six minutes of
monty python's flying circus.
Yes, sir.
I'd like to have
an argument, please.
Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?
No. this is
my first time.
I see. do you want to have
the full argument
Or were you thinking
of taking a course?
Well, what would
be the cost?
Well, yes, it's five...
It's one pound
for a five-minute argument
But only eight pounds
for a course of ten.
Mmm... well, I think
it's probably best
If I start with the one
And see how it goes
from there, okay?
Fine. I'll see who's free
at the moment.
Uh... mr. du-bakey's free
But he's a little bit
conciliatory.
Mmm.
Yes, uh, try
mr. barnard-- room 12.
Thank you.
What do you want?!
Well, I was told outside...
Don't give me that
You snotty-faced heap
of parrot droppings!
What?
Shut your festering gob,
you tit!
Your type makes me puke!
You vacuous, toffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert!
What?!
I came in here
for an argument!
Oh! oh, I'm sorry.
This is abuse.
Oh. oh, I see.
That explains it.
No. you want 12a next door.
I see.
Sorry.
Not at all.
Yeah, that's all right.
Stupid git.
Come in.
Is this the right room
for an argument?
I've told you once.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
When?
Just now.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
didn't.
Did.
didn't.
I'm telling you I did.
You did not.
I'm sorry, is this
A five-minute argument
Or the full half hour?
Oh! oh. just
the five-minute one.
Fine.
Thank you.
Anyway, I did.
You most certainly
did not.
Now, let's get one
thing quite clear.
I most definitely
told you.
You did not.
yes, I did.
You did not.
yes, I did.
Didn't.
yes, I did.
Didn't.
yes, I did.
Look, this isn't an argument.
Yes, it is.
no, it isn't.
It's just contradiction.
no, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
it is not.
It is!
you just contradicted me.
No, I didn't.
Oh, you did.
No, no, no, no.
You did just then.
No, no, nonsense.
Oh, well, this is futile.
No, it isn't.
I came here for a good argument.
No, you didn't.
you came here for an argument.
Well, argue is not the same
as contradiction.
It can be.
No, it can't.
An argument's a collected series
of statements
To establish
a definite proposition.
No, it isn't.
yes, it is.
It isn't just contradiction.
Look, if i
argue with you
I must take up
a contrary position.
But it isn't just saying,
"no, it isn't."
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Argument's
an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying
Of anything
the other person says.
No, it isn't.
yes, it is.
Not at all.
now, look...
Thank you.
Good morning.
What?
That's it.
Good morning.
But I was just getting
interested.
Sorry. the five
minutes is up.
That was never five
minutes just now.
Afraid it was.
No, it wasn't.
Sorry, I'm not allowed
to argue anymore.
What?!
If you want me
to go on arguing
You'll have to pay for
another five minutes.
But that was never five
minutes just now.
Oh, come on!
This is ridiculous.
I'm very sorry,
but I told you
I'm not allowed to
argue unless you pay.
Oh, all right.
There you are.
Thank you.
Well?
Well what?
That was never five minutes
just now.
I told you, I'm not allowed
to argue unless you pay.
I just paid.
no, you didn't.
I did. I did! I did!
Look, I don't want
to argue about that.
Well, I'm very sorry,
but you didn't pay.
Aha! well, if I didn't pay,
why are you arguing?
Got you.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
If you're arguing,
I must've paid.
Not necessarily.
I could be arguing
In my spare time.
I've had enough of this.
No, you haven't.
oh, shut up.
I want to complain.
You want to complain?
look at these shoes.
I've only had them three weeks
And the heels are worn
right through.
No, I want
to complain about...
If you complain,
nothing happens
You might just as
well not bother
And my back hurts...
I want to com... ow!
No, no. hold
your head
Like this and
then go, "wah!"
Try it again.
whoa!
Better, better,
but, "wah! wah!"
Hold your hands here.
No.
now...
No, that's it,
that's it! good!
Stop hitting me!
what?
Stop hitting me.
Stop hitting you?
yes.
Well, uh, what did
you come in here for?
I came here to complain.
Oh, I'm sorry.
that's next door.
It's being hit on the
head lessons in here.
What a stupid concept.
Right. hold it there.
What?
what?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm inspector fox of the
light entertainment police
Comedy division,
special flying squad.
Flying fox of the yard?!
Shut up!
oh!
No, no, no, no.
"wah!"
And you!
He's good.
You could learn
a thing or two from him.
Right, now you two, me old
beauties, you are nicked.
What for?
I'm charging you under section
21 of the strange sketch act.
The what?
You are hereby charged
That you did willfully take part
in a strange sketch.
That is a skit, spoof
or humorous vignette
Of an unconventional nature
With intent to cause
grievous mental confusion
To the great
british public.
Evening, all.
It's a fair cop.
And you tosh!
Wah!
That's excellent!
Right, come on
down to the yard.
Hold it, hold it.
Allow me
to introduce myself.
I'm inspector
thompson's gazelle
Of the programme
planning police
Light entertainment division,
special flying squad.
Flying thompson's
gazellle of the yard?
Shut up!
Ahh!
He... he's good.
Shut up.
wow!
Rotten.
Ahh!
Good.
Right. I'm arresting
this entire show
On three counts:
One, acts of self-
conscious behavior
Contrary to the "not in front
of the children" act
Two, always saying,
"it's so and so of the yard"
Every time
the fuzz arrives
And three-- and this is
the cruncher--
Offenses against
the "getting out of sketches
Without using
a proper punch line act."
Namely simply ending
every bleeding sketch
By just having
a policeman come in and...
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
It's a fair cop.
And now on bbc 1
One more minute of
monty python's flying circus.
to the money programme.
Tonight on the money programme,
we're going to look at money--
Lots of it,
on film and in the studio
Some of it in nice piles
Others in lovely clanky bits
of loose change
Some of it neatly counted
into fat little hundreds
Delicate fivers stuffed
into bulging wallets
Nice, crisp, clean checks
Pert pieces of copper coinage
thrust deep into trouser pockets
Romantic foreign money
rolling against the thigh
With rough familiarity
Beautiful wayward
curlicued bank notes
Filigree copper-plating
cheek by jowl
With tumbling
hexagonal-milled edges
Rubbing gently
against the terse leather
Of beautifully balanced
bank books!
I'm sorry.
But I love money...
All money.
I've always wanted money
to handle, to touch
The smell
of the rain-washed florin
The lure of the lira
The glitter and the glory
of the guinea
The romance of the ruble,
the feel of the franc
The heel of the deutsche mark
The cold antiseptic sting
of the swiss franc
And the sunburned splendor
of the australian dollar.
I've got funt90,000
in my pajamas
I've got 40,000 french francs
in my fridge
I've got lots and lots
of lira
Now the deutsche mark's
getting dearer
And my dollar bills
would buy the brooklyn bridge
There is nothing
quite as wonderful as money
There is nothing quite
as beautiful as cash
Some people say it's folly,
but I'd rather have the lolly
With money
you can make a smash
There is nothing quite as wonderful as
money, money, money, money, money
There is nothing like a newly minted pound
money, money, money, money
Everyone must hanker
for the butchness of a banker
It's accountancy that makes the world
go round, round, round, round
You can keep
your marxist ways
For it's only just a phase
It's money, money, money
makes the world go round
Money, money, money, money
Money, money, money,
money, money!
Now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I bling a dispatch
flom prymouth.
"flom prymouth"?
Flom sil flancis dlake.
Entel and apploach
the thlone.
What news
flom prymouth?
Dlake has sighted
the spanish freet, youl majesty.
So! phirip's garreons ale hele.
How many?
One hundled and thilty-six
men of wal
Broody herr.
Is dlake plepaled?
He has oldeled the whore freet
into the blitish channer.
So, we must to tirbuly.
Reicestel!
Sil wartel lareigh!
Groucester!
we sharr lide to...
Groucestel!
groucestel!
Not "groucester!"
Come on.
ret's get one light.
Reicestel!
That was telliber.
What?
Telliber.
When you have the rine
Ling your berr.
Ling my berr?
Ling, ling.
rike this.
And cut the
broody herr.
Erizabeth!
Yes?
You should be
on a bicycer.
Why?!
You rook odd rike that.
I do not look odd like this.
It's that lot
that looks odd.
It's bleeding weird having
half the tudor nobility
Ligging around on
motorized bicycles!
It's vely sullearist.
Horse feathers!
Listen, mate, I'm beginning
To have my doubts about you.
What you mean?
I'm telling you
straight, mate.
I don't think you're
luchino visconti at all.
Oh, of coulse, I am.
Me vely impoltant
itarian firm dilectol.
You are a nip.
Lubbish!
Me genuine wop!
Alliveldelchi loma
He's bluffing.
Vo-rale,
oh-oh-oh-oh...
Oh, is that
the time?
I must fry.
Not so fast, yakomoto.
Shut up!
Allow me
to introduce myself.
I am inspector leopard
of scotland yard
Special fraud
film director squad.
Leopard of the yard?!
The same,
only more violent.
Right, slit-eyes yakomoto,
I'm arresting you
For the impersonation
of signor luchino visconti
Famous italian director
of such movie classics
As obsessione, 1942
La terra trema, 1948
And bellissima, 1951--
A satisfyingly ironic
slice-of-life drama.
1957 brought
to the silver screen
His I bianche notte,
adapted by dostoyevsky
A mannered and romantic
melancholy of snow and mists
And moonlit encounters
on canal bridges.
Boccaccio 70 followed
five years later
And the following year saw...
The leopard!
So impressed was i
With this motion picture
treatment of the risorgimento
That I went along
to somerset house
And changed me own name
to "leopard"
Preferring it to me
original handle, "panther."
I digress.
1969 saw the damned,
a gotterdammerung epic
Of political
and industrial shenanigans
In good old nazi germany
Starring helmut berger
as a stinking transvestite
What should have
his face sawn off
The curvaceous charlotte
rampling as a bit of tail
And the impeccable
dirk bogarde as von essen.
The association of the latter
with signor visconti
Fructified with dirk's
magnificent portrayal
Of the elderly pouf
what expires in venice.
And so, yakomoto...
Blimey! he gone!
Never mind.
I'll have you instead.
I haven't time to go
chasing after him.
There's violence
to be done.
Oh, yes.
All right, buster.
Hands up!
I would like to ask the team
what they would do
if they were hitler.
Gerald?
Well, I'd, uh...
annex the sudetenland
and sign a nonaggression pact
with russia.
Norman?
Well, I'd do the reichstag
bathroom in purples and golds
and ban abortion on demand.
Liberal rubbish!
Klaus, what you want
with your jugged fish?
Halibut.
The jugged fish is halibut.
Well, what fish you got
that isn't jugged then?
Rabbit.
What? rabbit fish?
Yes. it's got fins.
Is it dead?
Well, it was coughing up blood
last night.
All right, I'll have the dead
unjugged rabbit fish.
Well, that was
really horrible.
Oh, you're always
complaining.
What's for afters?
Well, there's rat cake,
rat sorbet
Rat pudding or strawberry tart.
Strawberry tart?!
Well, it's got some rat in it.
How much?
Three.
It's rather a lot, really.
Well, I'll have a slice without
so much rat in it.
Appalling.
Moan, moan, moan.
Hello, mum.
hello, dad.
Hello, son.
There's a dead bishop
on the landing.
Where did that come from?
What do you mean?
What's its diocese?
Well, it looked a bit bath
and wellsish to me.
I'll go
and have a look.
I don't know who keeps
bringing them in here.
Well, it's not me.
I put three
out by the bin
And the dustmen
won't touch 'em.
Leicester.
how'd you know?
Tattooed on the back
of his neck.
I'm going to call
the police.
Shouldn't you call
the church?
Call the church
police.
All right.
the church police!
Yes?
There's another...
there's a dead bishop...
Suffragan?
There's another dead
bishop on the landing.
Suffragan
or diocesan?
How should I know?
Its tattooed on the
back of their necks.
Ere!
Is that rat tart?
Yes.
Disgusting.
Right!
The hunt is on.
Oh, lord, we
beseech thee...
Tell us who croaked
leicester.
All right, it's a fair cop
But society is to blame.
Agreed.
I would like the three
by the bin
To be taken
into consideration.
Right. and now, I'd like
to conclude this arrest
With a hymn.
And did those feet
In ancient times
Walk upon
england's mountains green
And was the holy lamb of god
On england's
pleasant pastures seen...
Oh, shut up!
Thank you.
What?
Ere. oh, ooh.
Ow! oh. ah, oh...
Oh!
Oh, oh, whoa! oh.
Oh! whoa!
Oh. oh-oh.
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! ooh! oh!
Whee-hee-hee!
whoa!
Yahoo!
Yay!
Whee!
Meanwhile, in the jungle
next door...
What a simply super
little place.
Yes. they've done
wonders with it.
You know, this
used to be one
Of the most swampy, disease-infested
areas of the whole jungle
And they've turned it into this
smashing little restaurant.
Here you are, omkami.
thank you.
Well, hello, mr. akwekwe.
Hello there, mr. spare-buttons-
supplied-with-the-shirt.
Nice to see you again.
These are some
of my fellow explorers.
Sir charles farquarson,
brian bailey, betty bailey
And this is mr. akwekwe
who started the whole place.
It really
is super.
Oh, terrific idea.
Thank you all.
May I recommend
the alligator purees?
Now then, have you decided?
Uh, yes. well, there's two
avocado vinaigrette here
And what are you
going to have, brian?
Uh, quiche lorraine
for me, please.
Right. so that's two
avocado, one quiche.
So, that's two avocado,
one quiche.
And a soup
of the day.
Right.
And to follow?
Uh, two chicken
a la reine, please.
Uh, with sauce provencal,
please.
And one scampi desiree.
And a boeuf bourguignon
with a green salad.
Right on.
Two chicken, one scampi
One boeuf
with the green salad.
There may be...
A little delay.
That's fine,
but we have to be out by 3:00.
Yes, sir. yes.
we'll try.
We'll try.
The bbc would like to announce
That the next scene
is not considered suitable
For family viewing.
It contains scenes of violence
Involving people's heads
and arms getting chopped off
Their ears nailed to trees
And their toenails pulled out
in slow motion.
There are also scenes of naked
women with floppy breasts.
And also at one point,
you can see a pair of buttocks
And there's another bit where
I swear you can see everything
But my friend says it's just
the way he's holding the spear.
Because of the unsuitability
of the scene
The bbc will be replacing it
With a scene from a repeat
of gardening club for 1958.
And now, back to the story.
That was a nasty business
back at the restaurant.
Yes. I thought most places took
barclaycard nowadays.
Where do you think
they're taking us, brian?
God knows.
Look!
The sacred
volcano andu!
Which no man
has seen before.
No, no, no.
next to that.
No, no, no, no.
nextto that.
The forbidden plateau
of roiurama.
The lost world.
Thrown up
by mighty earth movements
Thousands of millions
of years ago.
Where strange primeval creatures
defying evolution
Lurk in the dark,
impenetrable forests
Cut off forever
from the outside world.
I still can't see it.
You don't think that's
where they're taking us.
Yes. and god knows
what we'll find there.
What page, please?
What?
What page
in the script?
Page seven.
"come on, you dogs.
we have far to go.
We must lose no time."
Come on, you dogs.
we have far to go.
We must lose no time.
Come on, you...
Come on, you dogs.
We have time to lose.
This has gone too far.
Meanwhile, back in london
At the british explorers club
in the mall...
Any news of betty bailey's
expedition, hargreaves?
Uh...
Uh...
Page... page nine.
Oh, thank you.
Uh... the lost world
of roiurama.
That's...
that's my line.
Oh. sorry.
Where were they
going, sir?
The lost world of roiurama.
Yes, sir.
we've got a telegram.
Oh.
"reads it."
"expedition superb,
weather excellent.
Everything wonderful."
I wonder
what's gone wrong.
For god's sake,
be careful...
Wait a minute.
I'm going to go after them.
Oh! for god's sake,
be careful.
My god, betty,
we're done for.
We'll never
get out of here.
We're completely
lost. lost!
Even the natives
have gone.
Good-bye, betty.
Good-bye, farquarson.
Good-bye, brian.
It's been
a great expedition.
Great expedition.
All that'll be left of us is
a map, a compass
And a few feet of film recording
our last moments.
Wait a minute!
What is it?
If we're on film...
There must be someone
filming us.
My god, betty!
You're right!
Look!
hello!
Great to see you!
Super to see you.
Super!
How are you, mates?
Jolly good!
Wait a minute!
What is it again?
If this is the crew
who were filming us...
Who's filming us now?
Look!
Cut there, man.
Cut there.
No... no good.
How we going to get
that feeling
Of personal alienation
of self from society
With this load
of bulldog drummond crap?
When I was doing la notte
with that monica vitti gal
She didn't give me
None of this
empire-building shit, man.
Not so fast, akarumba.
Allow me to
introduce myself.
I'm inspector baboon
Of scotland yard's special
fraud film director's squad.
Jungle division.
Baboon of the yard!
Shut up!
Right, akarumba.
I'm arresting you for impersonating
signor michelangelo antonioni
An italian film director
Who co-scripts
all his own films
Largely jettisoning narrative in favor
of vague incident
And relentless character study.
In his first film
cronaca di un amore, 1915
The couple are brought together
by a shared irrational guilt.
Le amiche followed in 1955
And 1959 saw the first of
antonioni's world-famous trilogy
L'avventura, an acute study
of boredom, restlessness
And the futilities and agonies
of purposeless living.
In l'eclisse three years later
This analysis of the sentiments
was taken up once again.
"we do not have to know each
other to love," says the heroine
"and perhaps,
we do not have to love."
The eclipse of the emotions
finally casts its shadow
When darkness descends...
Signor antonioni first makes use
of color to underline...
And now on bbc 1
Another six minutes of
monty python's flying circus.
Yes, sir.
I'd like to have
an argument, please.
Certainly, sir.
Have you been here before?
No. this is
my first time.
I see. do you want to have
the full argument
Or were you thinking
of taking a course?
Well, what would
be the cost?
Well, yes, it's five...
It's one pound
for a five-minute argument
But only eight pounds
for a course of ten.
Mmm... well, I think
it's probably best
If I start with the one
And see how it goes
from there, okay?
Fine. I'll see who's free
at the moment.
Uh... mr. du-bakey's free
But he's a little bit
conciliatory.
Mmm.
Yes, uh, try
mr. barnard-- room 12.
Thank you.
What do you want?!
Well, I was told outside...
Don't give me that
You snotty-faced heap
of parrot droppings!
What?
Shut your festering gob,
you tit!
Your type makes me puke!
You vacuous, toffee-nosed,
malodorous pervert!
What?!
I came in here
for an argument!
Oh! oh, I'm sorry.
This is abuse.
Oh. oh, I see.
That explains it.
No. you want 12a next door.
I see.
Sorry.
Not at all.
Yeah, that's all right.
Stupid git.
Come in.
Is this the right room
for an argument?
I've told you once.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
When?
Just now.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
didn't.
Did.
didn't.
I'm telling you I did.
You did not.
I'm sorry, is this
A five-minute argument
Or the full half hour?
Oh! oh. just
the five-minute one.
Fine.
Thank you.
Anyway, I did.
You most certainly
did not.
Now, let's get one
thing quite clear.
I most definitely
told you.
You did not.
yes, I did.
You did not.
yes, I did.
Didn't.
yes, I did.
Didn't.
yes, I did.
Look, this isn't an argument.
Yes, it is.
no, it isn't.
It's just contradiction.
no, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
it is not.
It is!
you just contradicted me.
No, I didn't.
Oh, you did.
No, no, no, no.
You did just then.
No, no, nonsense.
Oh, well, this is futile.
No, it isn't.
I came here for a good argument.
No, you didn't.
you came here for an argument.
Well, argue is not the same
as contradiction.
It can be.
No, it can't.
An argument's a collected series
of statements
To establish
a definite proposition.
No, it isn't.
yes, it is.
It isn't just contradiction.
Look, if i
argue with you
I must take up
a contrary position.
But it isn't just saying,
"no, it isn't."
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Argument's
an intellectual process.
Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying
Of anything
the other person says.
No, it isn't.
yes, it is.
Not at all.
now, look...
Thank you.
Good morning.
What?
That's it.
Good morning.
But I was just getting
interested.
Sorry. the five
minutes is up.
That was never five
minutes just now.
Afraid it was.
No, it wasn't.
Sorry, I'm not allowed
to argue anymore.
What?!
If you want me
to go on arguing
You'll have to pay for
another five minutes.
But that was never five
minutes just now.
Oh, come on!
This is ridiculous.
I'm very sorry,
but I told you
I'm not allowed to
argue unless you pay.
Oh, all right.
There you are.
Thank you.
Well?
Well what?
That was never five minutes
just now.
I told you, I'm not allowed
to argue unless you pay.
I just paid.
no, you didn't.
I did. I did! I did!
Look, I don't want
to argue about that.
Well, I'm very sorry,
but you didn't pay.
Aha! well, if I didn't pay,
why are you arguing?
Got you.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
If you're arguing,
I must've paid.
Not necessarily.
I could be arguing
In my spare time.
I've had enough of this.
No, you haven't.
oh, shut up.
I want to complain.
You want to complain?
look at these shoes.
I've only had them three weeks
And the heels are worn
right through.
No, I want
to complain about...
If you complain,
nothing happens
You might just as
well not bother
And my back hurts...
I want to com... ow!
No, no. hold
your head
Like this and
then go, "wah!"
Try it again.
whoa!
Better, better,
but, "wah! wah!"
Hold your hands here.
No.
now...
No, that's it,
that's it! good!
Stop hitting me!
what?
Stop hitting me.
Stop hitting you?
yes.
Well, uh, what did
you come in here for?
I came here to complain.
Oh, I'm sorry.
that's next door.
It's being hit on the
head lessons in here.
What a stupid concept.
Right. hold it there.
What?
what?
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm inspector fox of the
light entertainment police
Comedy division,
special flying squad.
Flying fox of the yard?!
Shut up!
oh!
No, no, no, no.
"wah!"
And you!
He's good.
You could learn
a thing or two from him.
Right, now you two, me old
beauties, you are nicked.
What for?
I'm charging you under section
21 of the strange sketch act.
The what?
You are hereby charged
That you did willfully take part
in a strange sketch.
That is a skit, spoof
or humorous vignette
Of an unconventional nature
With intent to cause
grievous mental confusion
To the great
british public.
Evening, all.
It's a fair cop.
And you tosh!
Wah!
That's excellent!
Right, come on
down to the yard.
Hold it, hold it.
Allow me
to introduce myself.
I'm inspector
thompson's gazelle
Of the programme
planning police
Light entertainment division,
special flying squad.
Flying thompson's
gazellle of the yard?
Shut up!
Ahh!
He... he's good.
Shut up.
wow!
Rotten.
Ahh!
Good.
Right. I'm arresting
this entire show
On three counts:
One, acts of self-
conscious behavior
Contrary to the "not in front
of the children" act
Two, always saying,
"it's so and so of the yard"
Every time
the fuzz arrives
And three-- and this is
the cruncher--
Offenses against
the "getting out of sketches
Without using
a proper punch line act."
Namely simply ending
every bleeding sketch
By just having
a policeman come in and...
Wait a minute.
Hold it.
It's a fair cop.
And now on bbc 1
One more minute of
monty python's flying circus.