Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 2 - Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris' Ford Popular - full transcript
A couple investigate the cultural similarities between two London districts, seven miles apart; schoolboys' extracurricular activities are examined; a TV farming club comments on Tchaikovsky.
Who, a year ago, had heard
of mr. and mrs. brian norris
Of 37 gledhill gardens,
parsons green?
And yet, their epic journey
in ebw 343 has set them
Alongside thor heyerdahl
and sir edmund hillary.
Starting only with a theory,
mr. norris set out to prove
That the inhabitants
of hounslow
Could have been descendants
of the people of surbiton
Who had made
the great trek north.
No newcomer to this field
Mr. norris' a short history
of motor traffic
Between purley and esher
Had become a minor classic
in the car-swapping belt.
But why would the people
of surbiton go to hounslow?
Mr. norris had noticed
three things:
Firstly,
the similarity of houses;
Secondly, the similarity
of costume
Between hounslow and surbiton;
And thirdly,
the similarity of speech.
Are you still running
the g.d.b.d.m.d.b.?
Ah, yes, but I've had
the excess nipples woppled
To remove tamping.
Jolly good.
Were these just coincidences
Or were they,
as mr. norris believed
Part of an identical
cultural background?
One further discovery
convinced him:
The lawnmower.
Surely such a sophisticated
household gadget
Could not have
been generated independently
In two separate areas.
Mr. norris was convinced.
I'm convinced.
But how to prove it?
But how to prove it?
There was only one way
to see if the journey
Between surbiton and hounslow
was possible
And that was
to try and make it.
Months of preparation followed
While mr. norris
continued his research
In the putney public library
And mrs. norris
made sandwiches.
Finally, by april
They were ready.
On the 23rd,
mr. and mrs. norris set out
From abide-a-wee to motor
the 15 miles to surbiton
Watched by a crowd
of local well-wishers.
That evening,
they dined at tooting.
This would be the last
they'd see of civilization.
Mr. norris' diary
for the 23rd reveals
The extraordinary calmness
And deep inner peacefulness
of his mind.
7:30-- fed cat.
8:00-- breakfast.
8:30-- yes, (successfully).
9:00-- set out
on historic journey.
On the morning of the 24th,
early to avoid the traffic
Mr. norris' historic expedition
set out from surbiton--
Destination hounslow.
Early on, they began
to perceive encouraging signs.
The writing on the sign
was almost exactly the same
As the writing
in the a.a. book.
They were on the right route.
During the long hours
of the voyage
Mr. norris' wife betty
Kept a complete
photographic record
And made sandwiches.
This is some
of the unique footage
Which mrs. norris got back
from the chemist's.
Mile succeeded mile
And the terrific strain
was beginning to tell
When suddenly...
By an amazing stroke of luck
Mr. norris had come
across the kingston bypass.
This was something
to tell the round table.
At this stage,
mr. norris was faced
With two major
divergent theories
Concerning
his surbiton ancestors
Did they take
the kingston bypass
Turning left at barnes
Or did they strike west
Up the a308 via norbiton
to hampton wick?
Both these theories run up
against one big obstacle:
The thames--
Lying like a silver turd
between richmond and isleworth.
This was a major setback.
How could they possibly
cross the river?
Several hours of thought
produced nothing.
There was only one flask
of coffee left
When suddenly
mr. norris spotted something.
Could this
have been the method used?
Hardly daring to believe
Mr. norris led his expedition
on to the 3:47.
40 minutes later, via clapham
Fulham, chiswick and brentford,
they approached their goal:
Hounslow.
Was this then the final proof?
Something aroused
the accountant's instinct
Very deep
in mr. norris' makeup.
The journey was possible,
and yet...
"wrong-way" norris had
accidentally stumbled on
A piece
of anthropological history.
It was the inhabitants
of hounslow
Who had made
the great trek south
To the sunnier pastures
of surbiton
And not vice versa,
as he had originally surmised.
This was
the secret of surbiton.
Happy and contented,
mr. norris returned
To the calmer waters
of chartered accountancy
For, in his way,
"wrong-way" norris was right.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Knock, enter and approach.
Right.
It's come to my notice
that certain boys
Have been running a unit-trust
linked assurance scheme
With fringe benefits and full
cash-in endowment facilities.
Apparently,
small investors were attracted
By the wide-ranging portfolio
And that in the first week
The limited offer
was oversubscribed eight times.
It was
tidwell's idea, sir.
Shut up, stebbins.
I haven't finished.
Oh, by the way,
congratulations on winning
The italian
grand prix at monza.
Thank you, sir.
Shut up.
Now then, this sort
Of extracurricular
capitalist expansion
Has got to stop.
I made it quite clear
When potter tried
to go public last term
That these massive
stock exchange deals
Must not happen
in big school.
Is that clear,
balderston?
Yes, sir.
Oh, and balderston,
next time you do
A "panorama" report
on the black ghettos
You must get an exeat form
from mr. dibley.
Sorry, sir.
Shut up,
and stop slouching.
Now, the reason
I've called you in here today
Is that my wife is having
a little trouble with her, uh...
With her waterworks,
and, uh...
I think she needs
a bit of attention.
Now, which one of you
is the surgeon?
Come on, I know
one of you is.
Now, which one is it?
Ah, tidwell.
Good. well,
I want you to cut along
Have a look at the wife.
Oh, sir, why don't you ask
stebbins? he's a gynecologist.
Oh, you rotten stinker,
tidwell!
Shh. is this true, stebbins?
Are you a gynecologist?
Yes, sir.
Right. just the man.
how much do you charge?
30 guineas, sir.
Excellent. right. I want you
To go along to see the wife.
Give her a full examination.
Let me know the results
by the end of break.
And don't
pick your nose!
Hello.
Hello.
Well, last week
we showed you
How to become
a gynecologist
And this week
on how to do it
We're going to show you
how to play the flute
How to split an atom
How to construct
a box girder bridge
How to irrigate
the sahara desert
And make vast new areas
of land cultivatable.
But, first, here's
jackie to tell you all
How to rid the world
of all known diseases.
Hello, alan.
Hello, jackie.
Well, first of all,
become a doctor
And discover a marvelous
cure for something
And then when
the medical profession
Really starts
to take notice of you
You can jolly well
tell them what to do
And make sure
they get everything right
So there'll never be
any diseases ever again.
Thanks, jackie.
Great idea.
How to play the flute.
Well, here we are.
Um, you blow there
And you move your fingers
up and down here.
Great... great, alan.
Well, next week
we'll be showing you
How black and white people
can live together
In peace and harmony
And alan will be over in moscow
Showing us how to reconcile
the russians and the chinese.
So, until next week, cheerio.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, yes, he's such
a clever little boy
Just like his father.
Oh, do you think so,
mrs. nigger-baiter?
Oh, yes.
Spitting image.
Mmm!
Afternoon, mother.
Afternoon,
mrs. nigger-baiter.
Ooh, he's
walking already.
Yes, he's such
a clever little boy.
Coochy-coochy-coo!
Hello, coochy-coo!
Hello, coochy-coochy!
Hello!
Look at him
Laughing!
He's a chirpy little
fellow, isn't he?
Isn't he a chirpy
little fellow, eh?
Does he talk?
Does he talk, eh?
Of course I can talk.
I'm minister
for overseas development.
Ooh, he's a clever
little boy!
He's a clever
little boy!
Do you like
your rattle, eh?
Do you like
your rattle?
Look at his eyes
following it, eh.
Look at his iggy-piggy-piggy
little eyeballs.
Ooh, he's got
a tubby tum-tum.
Ooh, he's got
a tubby tum-tum!
Mother, could I have
a quick cup of tea, please?
I have an important
statement on rhodesia
To make in the commons
at 6:00.
Oh, mrs. nigger-baiter's
exploded!
Good thing, too.
She was my best friend.
Oh, mother,
don't be so sentimental.
Things explode every day.
Yes, I suppose so.
Anyway, I didn't really
like her that much.
Ooh.
Hello.
I'm your new vicar.
Can I interest you
in any encyclopedias?
Oh, no. thank you.
We're not church
people. thank you.
How about brushes?
nylon or bristle?
Strong-tufted,
attractive colors.
No. really,
thank you, vicar.
Oh, dear. turkey?
cup final tickets?
No, no. really, we're
just not religious.
Thank you.
Oh, well. bye-bye.
Bye-bye, vicar.
Remember,
if you do want anything:
Jewelry, ascot,
water heaters...
Thank you, vicar.
It's funny,
isn't it, how...
How your best friend can
just blow up like that?
You wouldn't think it was
medically possible, would you?
This is where mrs. shazam
was so wrong.
Exploding is a perfectly normal
medical phenomenon.
In many fields of medicine
nowadays
A dose of dynamite
can do a world of good.
For instance, athlete's foot--
an irritating condition--
Can be cured by applying
a small charge of tnt
Between each toe...
Excuse me.
Hello. I'm
your new vicar.
Can I interest you
In any of these watches,
pens or biros?
No. I'm not religious,
I'm afraid.
Oh. souvenirs, badges
Little noddy dog for
the back of the car?
No. thank you, vicar.
Good morning.
Now, many
of the medical profession
Are skeptical about my work.
They point to my record
Of treatment
of athlete's foot sufferers:
84 dead, 65 severely wounded
and 12 missing, believed cured.
But then,
people laughed at bob hope.
They laughed at my wife
When she wrapped herself up
in grease-proof paper
And hopped
into the social security office.
But that doesn't mean
that pasteur was wrong.
Look, I'll show you what I mean.
Watch it, mate.
I'm not going
to stand around here
Getting poked
and prodded all day.
I'm off.
I've got a decent body.
All I get is poked and prodded
in the chest.
Well, I'm off. I'm going
to get another line of work.
Watch it!
Don't go any further!
Turn back!
Stop! stop!
please! oh, stop!
Oh, my god!
He's fallen off the edge
of the cartoon!
Well, so much for that link.
John cobbley is the musical
and artistic director
Of covent garden.
He is himself
a talented musician
He's a world-famous authority
on 19th century russian music
And he's come
into the studio tonight
To talk
about tschaikowsky...
Which is
a bit of a pity
As this is farming club.
And on farming club
tonight
We'll be taking a look
At the ministry's
latest preventative proposals
To deal with possible outbreaks
of foot-and-mouth.
We'll be talking later on
To the man who believes
that milk yields
Can be increased
dramatically
But first,
a farming club special:
"the life of tschaikowsky."
Tschaikowsky--
was he the tortured soul
Who poured out
his immortal longings
Into dignified passages
of stately music
Or was he just an old poof
who wrote tunes?
Tonight, on farming club
We're going to take
an intimate look at tschaikowsky
And an intimate look
at his friends.
Incidentally,
bbc publications
Have prepared
a special pamphlet
To go with this program
called hello, pianist
And it contains material
Which some people
might find offensive
But which
is really smashing.
Peter ilytch tschaikowsky
was born in 1840
In a ken russell film
just outside st. petersburg.
His father leo mckern--
a freelance bishop--
Was married to vera plachenka--
julie christie--
But secretly deeply in love
with margo farenka--
Shirley abicair--
And the strangely flatulent
madame ranevsky--
Norris mcwhirter.
Soon, however, the family--
Eldridge cleaver, moira lister
and stan the bat--
Moved to the neighboring
industrial village of omsk--
Eddie waring--
Where they soon
found themselves, sadly
Quite unable to cope--
anthony barber.
In 1863, however,
tschaikowsky
Was sent to moscow
to study the piano
And when he'd
finished that
The living room.
Maurice takes
up the story.
Well, guess what?
The very next thing he did
Was to go to this extraordinary,
but extraordinary duckety-poos
Semi-mondrian house
in robin, russia.
Harry here tammy tschaikowsky
Wrote some of the most
sammy super symphonies
You've ever henry heard
in the whole of your lily life.
She was such a good composer
That everybody, but everybody,
wanted to know
And quite right, too
'cause she wrote
some lovely bits
Such as "sally sleeping beauty,"
"patsy pathetique"
"adrian 1812,"
and lots of connie concerti
For vera violin
and peter piano fanny forte.
But what do we really know
of this tortured ponce?
Well, if you can imagine
the size of nelson's column
Which is roughly three times
the size of a london bus
Then tschaikowsky
was much smaller.
His head was about the same size
As that
of an extremely large dog--
That is to say,
two very small dogs
Or four very large hamsters,
or one medium-sized rabbit
If you count
the whole of the body
And not just the head.
Uh, robin?
Uh, thank you.
Well, here's a three-stage model
of tschaikowsky.
Here you see the legs,
used for walking around
And which can be jettisoned
at night
And, um,
this is the main trunk--
The powerhouse
of the whole thing--
Incorporating, of course,
the naughty bits
Which were extremely naughty
for his time
And the whole thing
is subservient
To this small command module:
The, as it were, head
of the whole, as it were, body.
Robin?
Peter?
Simon.
Maurice.
Me.
Well...
Poor pet, she was like
a lost lamb in an abattoir.
Eventually, she dickie died
of colin cholera
In st. patsy petersburg,
in gertie great percy pain.
Here to play tschaikowsky's
First piano concerto
in b-flat minor
Is the world-famous soloist
sviatoslav richter.
During the performance
He will escape from a sack,
three padlocks
And a pair of handcuffs.
Good evening.
This new series of trim-jeans
theatre presents
Will enable you to enjoy
the poetry of t.s. eliot
Whilst losing unsightly
tummy bulge.
Jean.
Well, yes,
and the inches stay off. mark?
Terrific. thrill
to thomas a becket's
Kierkegaardian
moment of choice
Whilst making your physique
tighter, firmer, neater.
I am here!
No traitor
to the king.
Absolve
all those
You have
excommunicated.
Resign
those powers
You have
abrogated.
Renew
the obedience
You have
violated.
Lose inches
Off your hips,
thighs
Buttocks
and abdomen.
A terrific product.
Terrific!
And this comes complete
With the most revolutionary
guarantee
In slenderizing
history.
This was kevin francis
before last season's
Trim-jeans' play
of the month production
Ofthe seagull by anton chekhov
And the sauna belt
trim-jean company, limited.
See? kevin has slipped
into his slenderizing garment
And is inflating it with
the handy little pump provided.
Three acts and a few
special torso exercises later
Kevin-- as trigorin
The failed writer
of sentimental romances--
Has lost over 33 inches.
Wow! what a difference.
That anton chekhov
can certainly write.
Terrific.
Terrific.
Yes, why not join us
For a season
of classic plays
And rapid
slenderizing.
Enjoy sir john gielgud
and sir ralph richardson
Losing a total of 15 inches
in david storey's home.
Enjoy the trim gentlemen
of verona
And long day's journey
into night
While inches melt away.
Enjoy glenda jackson
with a constant snug fit
And solid support
in all four areas.
Other productions
will include:
Treasure island
Swan lake
The life and loves
of toulouse-lautrec
And the trim-
jeans' version
Of the great escape
With a cast
of thousands
Losing well over
1,500 inches.
Was ist das?!
Achtung! achtung!
Halt! halt!
Halt!
Wasn't that terrific,
ladies and gentlemen?
Really great.
Now, the next item
on the program is...
I can't stand it,
man. really not.
I've had it
with this idiot
Every night making me
say the most inane...
Really terrific act.
Now, the next item on...
I'm off. gone.
I can express myself...
If he feels the same
way I feel, man...
Welcome aboard, britisher pig.
Quite a little surprise, ja?
But perhaps you would be so kind
as to tell us all you know
About certain allied
shipping routes, ja?
Come on, talk!
Hello, fritz.
The tables seem
to have turned, old chap.
Let's see how you like a bit
of your own medicine, eh?
Come on, fritz, now tell us--
tell us about...
Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog.
Very sorry, but must inform you
That you are now prisoner
of people's republic.
I'm very sorry, comrade commando
But I have just picked up
A capitalist ship
on radar scanner.
This is your captain speaking.
There is no need for panic.
Women and children first.
I repeat that:
women and children first.
Do not rush for the lifeboats
And remember:
women and children first.
And indians.
Why did you have to get
dressed up like that?
It was the only
thing left.
Women, children
and red indians.
And spacemen.
Here is a revised list :
Women, children,
red indians and spacemen.
What's that
meant to be?
Well, it's a sort
of impression
Of what a kind of renaissance
courtier artist
Might have looked
like at the courts
Of one of the
great families
Like the medicis
or the borgias.
No, it's not.
It's more flemish
than italian.
Yes. that's a
flemish merchant
Of the 15th
or 16th centuries.
What? with these tassels?
Yes, yes.
They had those
fitted doublets going...
Tapering down
into the full hose, you know.
Exactly like that.
One moment, please.
don't panic.
Now, what's it meant to be?
I've got to tell them
something.
Is it a flemish merchant?
No, it is not
a flemish merchant.
It's more
a sort of idealized version
Of the complete
renaissance man.
Oh, all right.
no, it's not.
All right, all right,
all right.
This is your
captain speaking.
Do not rush
for the lifeboats.
Women, children,
red indians
spacemen
and sort of idealized versions
of the complete
renaissance man first.
Flemish merchants
did not wear
Hand-embroidered
chevrons!
They did not!
Yes, gomez?
"we found them walking
on the beach, my captain."
Gomez, why can't you
say this?
What? oh, I see.
We can't afford it. ah!
You see, the bbc has to pay an actor
20 guineas if he speaks
And it makes a bit of a hole
in the budget.
28 guineas, sir.
oh, sorry!
You fool, gomez!
That's 28 guineas.
What about me, sir?
Are you supposed to speak?
no, sir.
Well, you've just spoken!
oh, sorry, sir.
You fool, that's 56 guineas
before we've even started!
Yes?
What did he do that for?
It's a stunt, sir--
an extra 20 guineas.
Look, we can't
afford it!
The bbc is short
of money as it is.
The bbc wishes to deny rumors
That it is going
into liquidation.
Mrs. kelly, who owns the flat
where they live
Has said that they can stay on
till the end of the month...
And we've just heard
that huw weldon's watch
Has been accepted
by the london electricity board
And transmissions
for this evening
Can be continued as planned.
Well, that's all from me, so...
good night.
Are you going to be
in there all night?
It's just a bulletin,
mr. kelly.
And now, back to the story.
Commence!
All right!
We found these men walking
on the beach, my capitan.
We're british
naval officers
And entitled to be...
It's puss!
Hello, puss.
Hello, children.
Stop! stop this adaptation
of puss-in-boots!
This is the police department
of the state of venezuela.
Oh, no, it isn't.
Oh, yes, it is!
Oh, no, it isn't!
Oh, yes, it is!
Oh, no, it isn't!
Shut up! shut up!
Now, I'm going
to ask you some questions
And remember, if you do not
give me correct answers
We have ways
of making you answer.
Like not paying
28 guineas.
Shut up!
Now, what ship are you from?
We are from
the ss mother goose.
We were 12 days out from port
of spain and I...
I got 30 bob
for the trousers!
We are from the
ss mother goose.
We were 12 days out
from port of spain
And one night, I was
doing my usual rounds
When I had occasion
To pass the forward
storage lockers...
Go on.
Oh, um...
Well, i-i noticed
something unusual.
The main bilge hatches
had been opened
And there, crouching
amidst the scuppers
Was the most
ghastly creature
I've ever seen
in my life.
As soon as it saw me
Its horrible face
split aside
In a ghastly look
of terror.
Its head,
which was like...
Could you sign
this, please?
A small, a small rat.
It was ghastly
and horrible and befurred.
Its little
red eyes glinted
In the unaccustomed
glare of the midday sun
And before I could
shut the hatch
It sprang upon me
with one almighty...
What this about doing
Horse of the year show
in here tonight?
I'm sorry,
mrs. kelly.
We don't know, I'm afraid.
This is drama.
Mr. fox told me
before he went down to the pub
That they're doing
horse of the year show
In here tonight at 9:10.
This is bbc two.
I think bbc one
are in the kitchen.
Well, I'm not
having harvey smith
Jumping
over my binette.
No. come on!
...tearing at my throat,
ripping my clothes...
And turn the gas off
before you leave!
All right!
I fought it with
all my strength
But it was
too much for me.
Its supernatural powers...
Another clear round
for harvey smith on o'malley.
And now it's mrs. david barker
riding atalanta, number three.
Right! that's it.
Come on, out, out,
all of you!
Get out of my kitchen!
come on!
Harvey smith...
Get out of there!
It's one of our
most popular programs.
That's what you
think, mr. fox.
Well, that's all from
bbc television for this evening.
Come on!
get out! out!
Get out
of my house!
Out! out!
Get out!
Tonight, from london
Your special guests are
Lulu...
Ringo starr...
And the man you've all
been waiting for--
Your host for tonight...
Love the outfit, dear.
It's gorgeous.
Hello. good evening.
welcome.
It's...
of mr. and mrs. brian norris
Of 37 gledhill gardens,
parsons green?
And yet, their epic journey
in ebw 343 has set them
Alongside thor heyerdahl
and sir edmund hillary.
Starting only with a theory,
mr. norris set out to prove
That the inhabitants
of hounslow
Could have been descendants
of the people of surbiton
Who had made
the great trek north.
No newcomer to this field
Mr. norris' a short history
of motor traffic
Between purley and esher
Had become a minor classic
in the car-swapping belt.
But why would the people
of surbiton go to hounslow?
Mr. norris had noticed
three things:
Firstly,
the similarity of houses;
Secondly, the similarity
of costume
Between hounslow and surbiton;
And thirdly,
the similarity of speech.
Are you still running
the g.d.b.d.m.d.b.?
Ah, yes, but I've had
the excess nipples woppled
To remove tamping.
Jolly good.
Were these just coincidences
Or were they,
as mr. norris believed
Part of an identical
cultural background?
One further discovery
convinced him:
The lawnmower.
Surely such a sophisticated
household gadget
Could not have
been generated independently
In two separate areas.
Mr. norris was convinced.
I'm convinced.
But how to prove it?
But how to prove it?
There was only one way
to see if the journey
Between surbiton and hounslow
was possible
And that was
to try and make it.
Months of preparation followed
While mr. norris
continued his research
In the putney public library
And mrs. norris
made sandwiches.
Finally, by april
They were ready.
On the 23rd,
mr. and mrs. norris set out
From abide-a-wee to motor
the 15 miles to surbiton
Watched by a crowd
of local well-wishers.
That evening,
they dined at tooting.
This would be the last
they'd see of civilization.
Mr. norris' diary
for the 23rd reveals
The extraordinary calmness
And deep inner peacefulness
of his mind.
7:30-- fed cat.
8:00-- breakfast.
8:30-- yes, (successfully).
9:00-- set out
on historic journey.
On the morning of the 24th,
early to avoid the traffic
Mr. norris' historic expedition
set out from surbiton--
Destination hounslow.
Early on, they began
to perceive encouraging signs.
The writing on the sign
was almost exactly the same
As the writing
in the a.a. book.
They were on the right route.
During the long hours
of the voyage
Mr. norris' wife betty
Kept a complete
photographic record
And made sandwiches.
This is some
of the unique footage
Which mrs. norris got back
from the chemist's.
Mile succeeded mile
And the terrific strain
was beginning to tell
When suddenly...
By an amazing stroke of luck
Mr. norris had come
across the kingston bypass.
This was something
to tell the round table.
At this stage,
mr. norris was faced
With two major
divergent theories
Concerning
his surbiton ancestors
Did they take
the kingston bypass
Turning left at barnes
Or did they strike west
Up the a308 via norbiton
to hampton wick?
Both these theories run up
against one big obstacle:
The thames--
Lying like a silver turd
between richmond and isleworth.
This was a major setback.
How could they possibly
cross the river?
Several hours of thought
produced nothing.
There was only one flask
of coffee left
When suddenly
mr. norris spotted something.
Could this
have been the method used?
Hardly daring to believe
Mr. norris led his expedition
on to the 3:47.
40 minutes later, via clapham
Fulham, chiswick and brentford,
they approached their goal:
Hounslow.
Was this then the final proof?
Something aroused
the accountant's instinct
Very deep
in mr. norris' makeup.
The journey was possible,
and yet...
"wrong-way" norris had
accidentally stumbled on
A piece
of anthropological history.
It was the inhabitants
of hounslow
Who had made
the great trek south
To the sunnier pastures
of surbiton
And not vice versa,
as he had originally surmised.
This was
the secret of surbiton.
Happy and contented,
mr. norris returned
To the calmer waters
of chartered accountancy
For, in his way,
"wrong-way" norris was right.
And now...
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Knock, enter and approach.
Right.
It's come to my notice
that certain boys
Have been running a unit-trust
linked assurance scheme
With fringe benefits and full
cash-in endowment facilities.
Apparently,
small investors were attracted
By the wide-ranging portfolio
And that in the first week
The limited offer
was oversubscribed eight times.
It was
tidwell's idea, sir.
Shut up, stebbins.
I haven't finished.
Oh, by the way,
congratulations on winning
The italian
grand prix at monza.
Thank you, sir.
Shut up.
Now then, this sort
Of extracurricular
capitalist expansion
Has got to stop.
I made it quite clear
When potter tried
to go public last term
That these massive
stock exchange deals
Must not happen
in big school.
Is that clear,
balderston?
Yes, sir.
Oh, and balderston,
next time you do
A "panorama" report
on the black ghettos
You must get an exeat form
from mr. dibley.
Sorry, sir.
Shut up,
and stop slouching.
Now, the reason
I've called you in here today
Is that my wife is having
a little trouble with her, uh...
With her waterworks,
and, uh...
I think she needs
a bit of attention.
Now, which one of you
is the surgeon?
Come on, I know
one of you is.
Now, which one is it?
Ah, tidwell.
Good. well,
I want you to cut along
Have a look at the wife.
Oh, sir, why don't you ask
stebbins? he's a gynecologist.
Oh, you rotten stinker,
tidwell!
Shh. is this true, stebbins?
Are you a gynecologist?
Yes, sir.
Right. just the man.
how much do you charge?
30 guineas, sir.
Excellent. right. I want you
To go along to see the wife.
Give her a full examination.
Let me know the results
by the end of break.
And don't
pick your nose!
Hello.
Hello.
Well, last week
we showed you
How to become
a gynecologist
And this week
on how to do it
We're going to show you
how to play the flute
How to split an atom
How to construct
a box girder bridge
How to irrigate
the sahara desert
And make vast new areas
of land cultivatable.
But, first, here's
jackie to tell you all
How to rid the world
of all known diseases.
Hello, alan.
Hello, jackie.
Well, first of all,
become a doctor
And discover a marvelous
cure for something
And then when
the medical profession
Really starts
to take notice of you
You can jolly well
tell them what to do
And make sure
they get everything right
So there'll never be
any diseases ever again.
Thanks, jackie.
Great idea.
How to play the flute.
Well, here we are.
Um, you blow there
And you move your fingers
up and down here.
Great... great, alan.
Well, next week
we'll be showing you
How black and white people
can live together
In peace and harmony
And alan will be over in moscow
Showing us how to reconcile
the russians and the chinese.
So, until next week, cheerio.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, yes, he's such
a clever little boy
Just like his father.
Oh, do you think so,
mrs. nigger-baiter?
Oh, yes.
Spitting image.
Mmm!
Afternoon, mother.
Afternoon,
mrs. nigger-baiter.
Ooh, he's
walking already.
Yes, he's such
a clever little boy.
Coochy-coochy-coo!
Hello, coochy-coo!
Hello, coochy-coochy!
Hello!
Look at him
Laughing!
He's a chirpy little
fellow, isn't he?
Isn't he a chirpy
little fellow, eh?
Does he talk?
Does he talk, eh?
Of course I can talk.
I'm minister
for overseas development.
Ooh, he's a clever
little boy!
He's a clever
little boy!
Do you like
your rattle, eh?
Do you like
your rattle?
Look at his eyes
following it, eh.
Look at his iggy-piggy-piggy
little eyeballs.
Ooh, he's got
a tubby tum-tum.
Ooh, he's got
a tubby tum-tum!
Mother, could I have
a quick cup of tea, please?
I have an important
statement on rhodesia
To make in the commons
at 6:00.
Oh, mrs. nigger-baiter's
exploded!
Good thing, too.
She was my best friend.
Oh, mother,
don't be so sentimental.
Things explode every day.
Yes, I suppose so.
Anyway, I didn't really
like her that much.
Ooh.
Hello.
I'm your new vicar.
Can I interest you
in any encyclopedias?
Oh, no. thank you.
We're not church
people. thank you.
How about brushes?
nylon or bristle?
Strong-tufted,
attractive colors.
No. really,
thank you, vicar.
Oh, dear. turkey?
cup final tickets?
No, no. really, we're
just not religious.
Thank you.
Oh, well. bye-bye.
Bye-bye, vicar.
Remember,
if you do want anything:
Jewelry, ascot,
water heaters...
Thank you, vicar.
It's funny,
isn't it, how...
How your best friend can
just blow up like that?
You wouldn't think it was
medically possible, would you?
This is where mrs. shazam
was so wrong.
Exploding is a perfectly normal
medical phenomenon.
In many fields of medicine
nowadays
A dose of dynamite
can do a world of good.
For instance, athlete's foot--
an irritating condition--
Can be cured by applying
a small charge of tnt
Between each toe...
Excuse me.
Hello. I'm
your new vicar.
Can I interest you
In any of these watches,
pens or biros?
No. I'm not religious,
I'm afraid.
Oh. souvenirs, badges
Little noddy dog for
the back of the car?
No. thank you, vicar.
Good morning.
Now, many
of the medical profession
Are skeptical about my work.
They point to my record
Of treatment
of athlete's foot sufferers:
84 dead, 65 severely wounded
and 12 missing, believed cured.
But then,
people laughed at bob hope.
They laughed at my wife
When she wrapped herself up
in grease-proof paper
And hopped
into the social security office.
But that doesn't mean
that pasteur was wrong.
Look, I'll show you what I mean.
Watch it, mate.
I'm not going
to stand around here
Getting poked
and prodded all day.
I'm off.
I've got a decent body.
All I get is poked and prodded
in the chest.
Well, I'm off. I'm going
to get another line of work.
Watch it!
Don't go any further!
Turn back!
Stop! stop!
please! oh, stop!
Oh, my god!
He's fallen off the edge
of the cartoon!
Well, so much for that link.
John cobbley is the musical
and artistic director
Of covent garden.
He is himself
a talented musician
He's a world-famous authority
on 19th century russian music
And he's come
into the studio tonight
To talk
about tschaikowsky...
Which is
a bit of a pity
As this is farming club.
And on farming club
tonight
We'll be taking a look
At the ministry's
latest preventative proposals
To deal with possible outbreaks
of foot-and-mouth.
We'll be talking later on
To the man who believes
that milk yields
Can be increased
dramatically
But first,
a farming club special:
"the life of tschaikowsky."
Tschaikowsky--
was he the tortured soul
Who poured out
his immortal longings
Into dignified passages
of stately music
Or was he just an old poof
who wrote tunes?
Tonight, on farming club
We're going to take
an intimate look at tschaikowsky
And an intimate look
at his friends.
Incidentally,
bbc publications
Have prepared
a special pamphlet
To go with this program
called hello, pianist
And it contains material
Which some people
might find offensive
But which
is really smashing.
Peter ilytch tschaikowsky
was born in 1840
In a ken russell film
just outside st. petersburg.
His father leo mckern--
a freelance bishop--
Was married to vera plachenka--
julie christie--
But secretly deeply in love
with margo farenka--
Shirley abicair--
And the strangely flatulent
madame ranevsky--
Norris mcwhirter.
Soon, however, the family--
Eldridge cleaver, moira lister
and stan the bat--
Moved to the neighboring
industrial village of omsk--
Eddie waring--
Where they soon
found themselves, sadly
Quite unable to cope--
anthony barber.
In 1863, however,
tschaikowsky
Was sent to moscow
to study the piano
And when he'd
finished that
The living room.
Maurice takes
up the story.
Well, guess what?
The very next thing he did
Was to go to this extraordinary,
but extraordinary duckety-poos
Semi-mondrian house
in robin, russia.
Harry here tammy tschaikowsky
Wrote some of the most
sammy super symphonies
You've ever henry heard
in the whole of your lily life.
She was such a good composer
That everybody, but everybody,
wanted to know
And quite right, too
'cause she wrote
some lovely bits
Such as "sally sleeping beauty,"
"patsy pathetique"
"adrian 1812,"
and lots of connie concerti
For vera violin
and peter piano fanny forte.
But what do we really know
of this tortured ponce?
Well, if you can imagine
the size of nelson's column
Which is roughly three times
the size of a london bus
Then tschaikowsky
was much smaller.
His head was about the same size
As that
of an extremely large dog--
That is to say,
two very small dogs
Or four very large hamsters,
or one medium-sized rabbit
If you count
the whole of the body
And not just the head.
Uh, robin?
Uh, thank you.
Well, here's a three-stage model
of tschaikowsky.
Here you see the legs,
used for walking around
And which can be jettisoned
at night
And, um,
this is the main trunk--
The powerhouse
of the whole thing--
Incorporating, of course,
the naughty bits
Which were extremely naughty
for his time
And the whole thing
is subservient
To this small command module:
The, as it were, head
of the whole, as it were, body.
Robin?
Peter?
Simon.
Maurice.
Me.
Well...
Poor pet, she was like
a lost lamb in an abattoir.
Eventually, she dickie died
of colin cholera
In st. patsy petersburg,
in gertie great percy pain.
Here to play tschaikowsky's
First piano concerto
in b-flat minor
Is the world-famous soloist
sviatoslav richter.
During the performance
He will escape from a sack,
three padlocks
And a pair of handcuffs.
Good evening.
This new series of trim-jeans
theatre presents
Will enable you to enjoy
the poetry of t.s. eliot
Whilst losing unsightly
tummy bulge.
Jean.
Well, yes,
and the inches stay off. mark?
Terrific. thrill
to thomas a becket's
Kierkegaardian
moment of choice
Whilst making your physique
tighter, firmer, neater.
I am here!
No traitor
to the king.
Absolve
all those
You have
excommunicated.
Resign
those powers
You have
abrogated.
Renew
the obedience
You have
violated.
Lose inches
Off your hips,
thighs
Buttocks
and abdomen.
A terrific product.
Terrific!
And this comes complete
With the most revolutionary
guarantee
In slenderizing
history.
This was kevin francis
before last season's
Trim-jeans' play
of the month production
Ofthe seagull by anton chekhov
And the sauna belt
trim-jean company, limited.
See? kevin has slipped
into his slenderizing garment
And is inflating it with
the handy little pump provided.
Three acts and a few
special torso exercises later
Kevin-- as trigorin
The failed writer
of sentimental romances--
Has lost over 33 inches.
Wow! what a difference.
That anton chekhov
can certainly write.
Terrific.
Terrific.
Yes, why not join us
For a season
of classic plays
And rapid
slenderizing.
Enjoy sir john gielgud
and sir ralph richardson
Losing a total of 15 inches
in david storey's home.
Enjoy the trim gentlemen
of verona
And long day's journey
into night
While inches melt away.
Enjoy glenda jackson
with a constant snug fit
And solid support
in all four areas.
Other productions
will include:
Treasure island
Swan lake
The life and loves
of toulouse-lautrec
And the trim-
jeans' version
Of the great escape
With a cast
of thousands
Losing well over
1,500 inches.
Was ist das?!
Achtung! achtung!
Halt! halt!
Halt!
Wasn't that terrific,
ladies and gentlemen?
Really great.
Now, the next item
on the program is...
I can't stand it,
man. really not.
I've had it
with this idiot
Every night making me
say the most inane...
Really terrific act.
Now, the next item on...
I'm off. gone.
I can express myself...
If he feels the same
way I feel, man...
Welcome aboard, britisher pig.
Quite a little surprise, ja?
But perhaps you would be so kind
as to tell us all you know
About certain allied
shipping routes, ja?
Come on, talk!
Hello, fritz.
The tables seem
to have turned, old chap.
Let's see how you like a bit
of your own medicine, eh?
Come on, fritz, now tell us--
tell us about...
Ah, gleetings, capitalist dog.
Very sorry, but must inform you
That you are now prisoner
of people's republic.
I'm very sorry, comrade commando
But I have just picked up
A capitalist ship
on radar scanner.
This is your captain speaking.
There is no need for panic.
Women and children first.
I repeat that:
women and children first.
Do not rush for the lifeboats
And remember:
women and children first.
And indians.
Why did you have to get
dressed up like that?
It was the only
thing left.
Women, children
and red indians.
And spacemen.
Here is a revised list :
Women, children,
red indians and spacemen.
What's that
meant to be?
Well, it's a sort
of impression
Of what a kind of renaissance
courtier artist
Might have looked
like at the courts
Of one of the
great families
Like the medicis
or the borgias.
No, it's not.
It's more flemish
than italian.
Yes. that's a
flemish merchant
Of the 15th
or 16th centuries.
What? with these tassels?
Yes, yes.
They had those
fitted doublets going...
Tapering down
into the full hose, you know.
Exactly like that.
One moment, please.
don't panic.
Now, what's it meant to be?
I've got to tell them
something.
Is it a flemish merchant?
No, it is not
a flemish merchant.
It's more
a sort of idealized version
Of the complete
renaissance man.
Oh, all right.
no, it's not.
All right, all right,
all right.
This is your
captain speaking.
Do not rush
for the lifeboats.
Women, children,
red indians
spacemen
and sort of idealized versions
of the complete
renaissance man first.
Flemish merchants
did not wear
Hand-embroidered
chevrons!
They did not!
Yes, gomez?
"we found them walking
on the beach, my captain."
Gomez, why can't you
say this?
What? oh, I see.
We can't afford it. ah!
You see, the bbc has to pay an actor
20 guineas if he speaks
And it makes a bit of a hole
in the budget.
28 guineas, sir.
oh, sorry!
You fool, gomez!
That's 28 guineas.
What about me, sir?
Are you supposed to speak?
no, sir.
Well, you've just spoken!
oh, sorry, sir.
You fool, that's 56 guineas
before we've even started!
Yes?
What did he do that for?
It's a stunt, sir--
an extra 20 guineas.
Look, we can't
afford it!
The bbc is short
of money as it is.
The bbc wishes to deny rumors
That it is going
into liquidation.
Mrs. kelly, who owns the flat
where they live
Has said that they can stay on
till the end of the month...
And we've just heard
that huw weldon's watch
Has been accepted
by the london electricity board
And transmissions
for this evening
Can be continued as planned.
Well, that's all from me, so...
good night.
Are you going to be
in there all night?
It's just a bulletin,
mr. kelly.
And now, back to the story.
Commence!
All right!
We found these men walking
on the beach, my capitan.
We're british
naval officers
And entitled to be...
It's puss!
Hello, puss.
Hello, children.
Stop! stop this adaptation
of puss-in-boots!
This is the police department
of the state of venezuela.
Oh, no, it isn't.
Oh, yes, it is!
Oh, no, it isn't!
Oh, yes, it is!
Oh, no, it isn't!
Shut up! shut up!
Now, I'm going
to ask you some questions
And remember, if you do not
give me correct answers
We have ways
of making you answer.
Like not paying
28 guineas.
Shut up!
Now, what ship are you from?
We are from
the ss mother goose.
We were 12 days out from port
of spain and I...
I got 30 bob
for the trousers!
We are from the
ss mother goose.
We were 12 days out
from port of spain
And one night, I was
doing my usual rounds
When I had occasion
To pass the forward
storage lockers...
Go on.
Oh, um...
Well, i-i noticed
something unusual.
The main bilge hatches
had been opened
And there, crouching
amidst the scuppers
Was the most
ghastly creature
I've ever seen
in my life.
As soon as it saw me
Its horrible face
split aside
In a ghastly look
of terror.
Its head,
which was like...
Could you sign
this, please?
A small, a small rat.
It was ghastly
and horrible and befurred.
Its little
red eyes glinted
In the unaccustomed
glare of the midday sun
And before I could
shut the hatch
It sprang upon me
with one almighty...
What this about doing
Horse of the year show
in here tonight?
I'm sorry,
mrs. kelly.
We don't know, I'm afraid.
This is drama.
Mr. fox told me
before he went down to the pub
That they're doing
horse of the year show
In here tonight at 9:10.
This is bbc two.
I think bbc one
are in the kitchen.
Well, I'm not
having harvey smith
Jumping
over my binette.
No. come on!
...tearing at my throat,
ripping my clothes...
And turn the gas off
before you leave!
All right!
I fought it with
all my strength
But it was
too much for me.
Its supernatural powers...
Another clear round
for harvey smith on o'malley.
And now it's mrs. david barker
riding atalanta, number three.
Right! that's it.
Come on, out, out,
all of you!
Get out of my kitchen!
come on!
Harvey smith...
Get out of there!
It's one of our
most popular programs.
That's what you
think, mr. fox.
Well, that's all from
bbc television for this evening.
Come on!
get out! out!
Get out
of my house!
Out! out!
Get out!
Tonight, from london
Your special guests are
Lulu...
Ringo starr...
And the man you've all
been waiting for--
Your host for tonight...
Love the outfit, dear.
It's gorgeous.
Hello. good evening.
welcome.
It's...