Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 13 - Grandstand - full transcript

Good evening, we've got an
action-packed evening for you

Tonight on thames.

But right now,
here's a rotten old bbc program.

And now...

It's...

Ladies and gentlemen...

Mr. chairman,
friends of the society

Your dummy royal highness.

Once again

The year has come full circle

And for me there can be
no greater privilege and honor



Than to that
to which it is my lot

To have befallen this evening.

There can be no finer honor

Than to welcome
into our midst tonight

A guest who has not only done

Only more than not anyone
for our society

But nonetheless,
has only done more.

He started in
the film industry in 1924;

He started again in 1946;

And, finally, in 1963.

He has been dead
for four years

But he has not
let that prevent him

From coming here this evening.

Ladies and gentlemen...



No welcome could be
more heartfelt

Than that which I have no doubt

You will all want to join
with me in giving

This great showbiz stiff.

Ladies and gentlemen

To read the nominations for
the "light entertainment" award

The remains of
the late sir alan waddle.

The nominations are:

Mr. edward heath
for "the new suit sketch"...

Mr. richard baker
for "lemon curry"...

Lemon curry?

And the third parachute brigade
amateur dramatic society

For "the
oscar wilde sketch."

My congratulations, wilde.

Your latest play is
a great success.

The whole of london's
talking about you.

There is only
one thing in the world

Worse than being
talked about

And that is not
being talked about.

Very, very witty,
very, very witty.

There is only one thing
in the world

Worse than being witty,
and that is not being witty.

I wish I had said that.

You will, oscar, you will.

Your majesty, have you met
james mcneill whistler?

Yes, we've played
squash together.

There is only one thing worse
than playing squash together

And that is playing it
by yourself.

I wish I hadn't
said that.

You did, oscar, you did.

Well, I've got to get
back up the palace.

You majesty is like
a big jam doughnut

With cream on the top.

I beg your pardon?

Um...

It... it was one
of whistler's.

I never said that.

You did, james,
you did.

Well... uh...

Well, your highness

What I meant was that,
like a doughnut, um...

Your arrival gives us pleasure

And your departure only makes us
hungry for more.

Your highness,
you are also

Like a stream
of bat's piss.

What?!

It is one
of wilde's.

It sodding was not!

It was shaw!

I... I merely meant,
your majesty

That you shine out like a shaft
of gold when all around is dark.

Oh...

Right.

Smart ass.

Right?

Your majesty is
like a dose of clap.

Before you arrive
is pleasure

And after is a
pain in the dong.

What?!

One of shaw's. one of

One of
shaw's.

You bastards.

Um... what I meant, your
majesty, what I meant...

We've got him, jim.

Come on, shawy.

Come on, shawy.

I merely meant...

Come one, shawy!

Let's have a bit
of wit, then, man.

Come on, shawy.

Very amusing,
lord campbell

But would you
excuse me a moment?

I want to powder
my nose.

That's better.

Charwoman!

Yes! charwoman!

Sweeping away the last
remnants of male chauvinism

Polishing off
all who dare stand in her way

And cleaning up
in the publishing game.

Yes, all these and more

As charwoman
once again takes to the sky!

Well, maybe next week.

Ladies and gentlemen

Seldom can it have been
a greater pleasure and privilege

Than it is for me now
to announce that the next award

Gave me the great pleasure
and privilege of asking a man

Without whose ceaseless energy
and tireless skill

The british film industry
would be today.

I refer, of course, to my friend
and colleague, mr. david niven.

Sadly, david niven
cannot be with us tonight

But he has sent his fridge.

This is the fridge

In which david keeps most
of his milk, butter and eggs.

What a typically
selfless gesture

That he should send this fridge,
of all of his fridges

To be with us tonight.

The nominations

For the "best foreign
film director" are:

Monsieur richard
attenborough

Ricardo de attenbergie

Rik artenborough

Ri chard at en bollo

And pier paolo pasolini.

Before we hear the joint winner

Let's see the one
that came sixth.

Let us see pier paolo pasolini's
latest film.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mmm.

Excuse me.

Ha!

There's lots of
people making love

But there's no mention

Of geoff boycott's
average.

Who is geoff boycott?

And in t'film,
we get fred titmus.

Si, titmus, si, si...

The symbol of
man's regeneration

Through radical
marxism, fair enough.

But we never
once get a chance

To see him turn
his off-breaks

On that
brisbane sticky.

Aye, and what were
all that dancing

Through ray
illinworth's innings?

47 not out, and
the bird comes up

And feeds him
some grapes.

And we never
saw him declare.

What is declare?

What's on
the other side?

Nobody could be prouder...

Um... shall we go down
and give blood?

Oh, I don't want a great bat
flapping around my neck.

They don't do it
like that!

They take it
from your arm.

I can't give it.

I caught swamp fever
in the tropics.

You've never even been
to the tropics.

You've never been
south of sidcup.

You can catch it off lampposts.

Catch what?

Oh, I don't know,
I'm all confused.

You ought to go and
see a psychiatrist.

You're a loony.

You might even need
a new brain.

Oh, I couldn't afford
a whole new brain.

Well, you could get one
of those curry's brains.

How much are they?

I don't know.

I'll have a look
in the catalogue.

Here we are...

Battery lights,
dynamo lights

Rear lights...

Brains--
here we are.

I'm still confused.

Oh, there's a nice one here.

13 and six--
it's one of curry's own brains.

That one looks nice,
what's that?

That's a mudguard!

It's only eight bob.

Oh, I think it's worth

The extra five bob
for the brain.

I'll give them a ring.

Hello, curry's?

I'd like to try one of your
13 and sixpenny brains, please.

Yes.

Yes...

Yes, ye... um...

Five and a half.

Thank you.

They're sending
someone round.

Ooh, that was quick.

Come in.

Uh... hello.

Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?

Yes, that's right.

Are you the man
from curry's?

No, I've just come to say
that he's on his way.

Would you sign this please?

Thank you
very much.

Ooh...

Thank you.

Sorry.

Sorry to
bother you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

He's just coming now.

Come in.

Here he is.

Hello?

Hello!

That's not
a proper salesman.

I'm not buying
one from him.

He doesn't give
you confidence.

He doesn't give me
any confidence at all.

He's obviously a dummy.

I'll ring curry's.

Hello, curry's?

That salesman you sent round
is obviously a dummy.

Oh, thank you very much.

They're sending round
a real one.

Come in.

Good morning.

Mr. and mrs. and mrs. zambezi?

Yes, that's right.

Yes, that's right.

Yes, that's right.

All right, rutherford.

I'll take over.

Ooh, that's nice!

Yes, we sell
a lot of these.

Right, shall we
try a fitting?

Oh, do I have
to have an operation?

No, madam,
you just strap it on.

Doesn't it go
inside my head?

Oh, not the roadster,
madam, no.

You're thinking of
the brainette major.

How much is that?

44 and six.

Oh, no,
it's not worth it.

Not with the curry's surgery
we use, no, madam.

Now then,
the best bet is

The bertrand russell
super silver.

That's a real beauty--

250 quid plus
hospital treatment.

Ooh, that's a lot.

It's color. right.

One, two, three,
testing, testing.

Mince pie for me, please.

What did she say that for?

Quiet, please,
it's not adjusted yet.

Oh, I am enjoying
this rickshaw ride.

I've been a tory all
my life, my life, my life.

Good morning, mr. presley.

How well you look,
you look very well.

Our cruising speed is
610 miles per hour.

Well, well, well, boys.

Well, well, ell...

Hello, hello... dear.

Hello, dear!

Oh!

Right.

One, two, three...

Eight...
seven...

Four.

Good.

Oh, she never knew that before.

Quiet, please.

Mrs. zambezi, who wrote
the theory of relativity?

I know, I know!

Quiet, please.

Einstain, einstone

Einsteen, einston

Einstin, einstin...
einstein.

Good.

Noel einstein.

Right-- that'll be
13 and six, please.

Oh, that's
marvelous!

She can take it
off at night

Unless she wants
to read, of course.

And don't ask her
too many questions

Because
it'll get hot.

If you do
have any trouble

Here's my card.

Give us a ring.

Give us a ring and either myself
or mr. rutherford

Will come and see you.

Good-bye.

Thank you
very much.

Uh... he's gone now.

Uh, shall we, uh...

Go down
and give blood?

Yes, please,
mr. roosevelt

But try and keep
the noise to a minimum.

Oh, that's good.

I'll go and get
your coat for you.

I'm quite warm
in this stick of celery

Thank you, senator muskie.

Stapling machine,
mr. clarke.

New brain.

Stapling machine,
mrs. worral.

Stapling machine,
mrs. zambezi.

Are you sure
that's working all right?

Yes, thank you,
it's marvelous.

Thank you.

I think
if we can win

One or two of
the early primaries

We could split the urban republican
vote wide open.

Um, here we are, then.

Well, being president
of the united states

Is something I shall
have to think about.

Blood donors
that way, please.

Oh, thank you
very much.

Thank you.

What?

No.

No, I'm sorry,
but no.

No, you may
not give urine

Instead of blood.

No, well, I don't care
if you want to.

No, there's no such thing
as a urine bank.

Please.

No, we have
no call for it.

We have quite
enough of it

Without volunteers coming in
here donating it.

Just a specimen.

No, we don't
want a specimen.

We either want
your blood or nothing.

I'll give you some blood
if you'll give me...

What?

A thing to do
some urine in.

No, no,
just go away, please.

Anyway, I don't want
to give you any blood.

Fine, well, you don't have to--
just go away.

Can I give you some spit?

No.

Sweat?

No.

Earwax?

No.

Look, this is a blood bank.

All we want is blood.

All right, I'll
give you some blood.

Where did
you get that?

Today-- it's today's.

What group is it?

Uh, what groups
are there?

There's "a"...

It's "a."

Wait a moment.

It's mine.

This blood's mine.

What are you
doing with it?

I found it.

You stole it out of my body,
didn't you?!

No.

No wonder
I'm feeling off-col...

Give that back.

It's mine.

It is not yours--
you stole it.

Never.

Give it back to me.

All right, but only
if I can give urine.

Get in the queue.

Good afternoon, and welcome
to wife swapping from redcar.

And the big news
this afternoon

Is that the british boy
boris rogers has succeeded

In swapping his nine-stone,
welsh-born wife

For a ford popular
and a complete set of dickens.

Well, now, I can see
they're ready at the start

So let's go now over
to the start of the 3:30.

And first let's catch up with
the latest news of the betting.

Number 12, betty parkinson,
seven to four on favorite

Number 27, mrs. colyer,
nine to four

Five to one, bar those.

And here's the starter,
mrs. alec marsh

And they're off.

And mrs. rogers is
the first to show.

There she goes
into mr. johnson's

And mrs. johnson
across to mr. colyer

Followed closely
by mrs. casey on the inside.

Mrs. parkinson, number 12,
going well there

Into mr. webster's
from the co-op.

Mrs. colyer's making ground
fast after a poor start.

She's out of mr. casey's,
into mr. parkinson's.

She's a couple of lengths
ahead of mrs. johnson

Who's still not
out of mr. casey's.

Mrs. penguin
and number eight, mrs. colyer--

These two now
at the head of the field

From mrs. brown, mrs. atkins,
mrs. parkinson

Mrs. warner and mrs. rudd--
all still at mr. philips's.

Mrs. penguin making
the running now

Challenged strongly
by mrs. casey.

Mrs. casey coming
very fast on the inside.

It's going to be mrs. casey
coming from behind.

Now she's making
a break on the outside.

Mrs. penguin running...
and at the line, it's mrs. casey

Who's got it by a short head

From mrs. penguin,
in second place

Mrs. parkinson in third, mrs.
rudd, mrs. colyer, mrs. warner

And there's mrs. griffiths,
who's remained unswapped.

Well, a very exciting race
there, and I have with me now

The man who owned and trained
the winner, mrs. casey--

Mr. casey.

Well done, jack.

Thank you, john.

Well, were you
at all surprised

About this, jack?

No, not really, no.

She's been going
very well in training

And at doncaster
last week

And I fancy her
very strongly

For the cheltenham weekend.

Well, thank you very
much indeed, jack.

We must
leave you now

Because it's time
for the team event.

Hello and a very warm welcome

From the tower ballroom suite
at reading

Where there's very little in it.

They're neck and neck, crop and
grummit, real rack and saddle

Brick and bucket,
horse and tooth

Cap and thigh, arse over tip

They're absolutely
birds of a feather

There's not a new pin in it

You couldn't get
a melon between them.

Well, now, everything rests
on the formation event

And here comes the
north west with the mambo.

Maestro, take it away, please.

And now it's time
for rugby league

And highlights
of this afternoon's game

Between keighley
and hull kingston rovers.

Well, good afternoon

And as you can see,
hull kingston rovers

Are well in the lead.

It's a scrum
down on the 25 of keighley

Tom colyer with the put in,
mrs. colyer to be put.

And there goes his wife
into the scrum.

And hull have got the heel
against the head.

Doing very nicely
with this scrum

Some very good packing here.

Warrington's picked her up.

Is he going to let her go?

No, he passes her to carrington.

Well, that was
right on the whistle

Rovers walking it down,
winning easily

By 26 points to two.

Just a reminder that
on match of the day tonight

You can see highlights of two
of this afternoon's big games:

Mrs. robinson
v. manchester united

And southampton v. mr. rogers--
a rather unusual game that.

And here's a late result.

Coventry city, nil,
mr. johnson's una, three.

Coventry going down
at home there.

Just a little reminder

That the next sport
you can see on bbc 1

Will be 9:20 on wednesday night

When wife swapping with coleman
comes live from my place.

Till then, good night.

There they go,
the credits of the year--

Credits that you
and the society voted

As "the credits that brought
the most credit to the society."

Sadly, the man who designed them
cannot be with us tonight

As he is at home, asleep.

But we are going to wake him up
and tell him the good news.

Are you there in bristol,
arthur briggs?

Oh, my god!

And now for the moment
you've all been waiting for.

No, not that moment

Although that moment
is coming in a moment.

The moment I'm talking about
is the moment when we present

The "award for the cast
with the most awards" award

And this year is no exception.

Ladies and gentlemen,
will you join me

And welcome, please

The winners of this
year's mountbatten trophy

Show business's highest accolade

The cast of
"the dirty vicar" sketch.

Well, now let us see
the performances

Which brought them this award.

Let us see
"the dirty vicar" sketch.

Have you seen lady windermere's
new carriage, dear?

Absolutely
enchanting!

Isn't it!

The new vicar
to see you, m'lady.

Ah-- send him in,
chivers.

Certainly, m'lady.

Now, how is
your tea, dear?

A little more
water, perhaps?

Thank you.

It's delightful
as it is.

The reverend ronald simms, the
dirty vicar of st. michael's...

Hello, hello, hello.

Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff!

I'd like to get my fingers
around those knockers.

How do you find
the vicarage?

I like tits!

Whoa!

Oh, vicar!

Oh, my goodness.

I do beg your pardon.

How dreadful.

My first day
in my new parish

And I completely
just lost my head.

So sorry.

Yes-- never mind,
never mind.

Chivers, send mary in

With a new gown,
will you?

Certainly,
m'lady.

I do beg
your pardon.

I'll help you
sit down.

I'm so sorry.

As I was saying

How do you find
the new vicarage?

Oh-- oh, yes, certainly.

Yes, indeed.

I find the
grounds delightful

And the servants
most attentive--

Particularly
the little serving maid

With great, big knockers!

When she gets going...

Well, there we are.

Another year has been
too soon, alas, ended

And I think none
more than myself

Can be happier
at this time than I am.