Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 12 - A Book at Bedtime - full transcript
'A Book at Bedtime'; 'Red Gauntlet'; Kamikaze Highlanders; No time to lose; Penguins; BBC pro-gramme planners; Unexploded Scotsmen; 'Spot the Looney'; Rival documentaries; 'Dad's Doctors'; Dad's Pooves'.
Monty python's flying circuses.
Tonight jeremy toogood reads
redgauntlet by sir walter scott.
Hello.
The sunsoot...
The sunsiett...
The sun... the sunset!
The sunset waas... was, was...
The sunset was...
di... deeing... dying
Over the hile...
hiel... he... heels...
Oh, hills, hills!
Of... slow... sol... way firth.
The love piper...
the lone piper.
The lone piper... on the ba...
Batt... ly... ments...
Of ed... ebing... ebingundir...
ed... edingburgher...
Edinburgh!
Edinburgh... castle
Was sil... silhou...
Saluted... s... si...
"the sunset was dying
"over the hills
of solway firth.
"the lone piper on the
battlements of edinburgh castle
Was silhouetted
against the crim..." crimsy...
Crimson!
Against the crimson
streeds... stre...
Streaked.
Streaked?
Crimson-streaked sky.
In the shadows
of carriganu...
Cran...
crungrin...
Cairngorm!
Ah!
In the shadows
of cairngorm
The layt...
Laird!
Laird! laird! laird!
Laird of...
of... of...
Laird of
monteu...
Montreux...
Montrose.
Montrose. montrose. montrose.
The laird
of montrose...
Gal-loped?
Galloped...
"the lone piper
On the battlements
of edinburgh castle..."
Next.
Here on top
of edinburgh castle
In conditions
of extreme secrecy
Men are being trained
For the british army's
first kamikaze regiment--
The queen's own
mckamikaze highlanders.
So successful has been
The training
of the kamikaze regiment
That the numbers have dwindled
From 30,000 to just over
a dozen in three weeks.
What makes these young scotsmen
so keen to kill themselves?
The money's good.
And the water skiing.
Attention!
All right, sergeant major,
at ease.
Now, how many chaps
you got left?
Six, sir.
Six?
Five, sir...
good luck, johnson.
Jolly good show,
sergeant major.
I've come
to tell you
We've got a job
for your five lads.
Four, sir.
For your four lads.
Good luck,
taggart.
Thank you,
sarge.
Now, this mission's
going to be dangerous
And it's going to be tough
and we're going to need
Every lad of yours
to pull his weight.
Now, which four are they?
These three
here, sir.
Okay, off
you go, smith.
Right!
Sergeant major.
Sir?!
You don't think
it might be a good idea
To stop the training
program for a little bit?
They got to be trained, sir--
it's a dangerous job.
Yes, I know but...
All right, macpherson,
you're next-- off you go.
You see, what is worrying me,
sergeant major...
I'll make it
a good one, sir!
Good luck,
macpherson.
Macpherson...
only this mission
Really is very dangerous.
We're going to need both
the chaps you've got left.
Both of who, sir?
Sergeant major, what's this
man's name?
This one, sir?
This one's
macdonald, sir.
Macdonald...
Go, lad.
no, no, no.
Hang on to macdonald,
sergeant major.
Hang on to him.
I don't know
whether I can, sir.
He's in a state of itsubishi
kyoto mcsayonara.
What's that?
It's the fifth state a scotsman
can achieve, sir.
He's got to finish himself off
by lunchtime
Or he thinks he's let
down the emperor, sir.
Well, can't we
get him out of it?
Oh, I don't know
how to, sir.
Our kamikaze instructor,
mr. yashimoto, was so good
He never left
tokyo airport.
Well, there must be someone else
who can advise us.
Good morning.
Kamikaze, please.
Yes, would you
go through, please?
Thank you.
All right, sergeant major.
No time to lose.
Beg pardon, sir?
No time
to lose.
No what, sir?
No time... no time to lose.
Oh, I see, sir.
No time... to lose!
Yes, that's right, yes.
Yes, no time to lose, sir.
Right!
Isn't that funny, sir.
I've never come across
that phrase before.
"no time to lose."
42 years I've been
in the regular army
And I've never heard
that phrase.
Well, it's
in perfectly common parlance.
In what, sir?
Oh, never mind.
Right-- no time to lose.
Eventually, yes, sir.
What?
Well, like you said, sir.
We'll be able
to make time eventually--
Without to lose, sir, no.
Look, um, I don't think
you've quite got
The hang of this phrase,
sergeant major.
Morning.
No time to lose.
Now, then, how
were you thinking
Of using this phrase?
Uh...
Well, I was thinking
of using it like, uh...
Uh... "good morning, dear.
What is in no time to lose?"
Yes, well, you've
not quite got
The hang of that,
have you?
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
Now, you want
to use this phrase
In everyday conversation,
is that right?
Yes, that's right, yes.
Yes, good.
My wife and I have...
My wife and I have never had a
great deal to say to each other.
In the old days we used
to find things to say
Like "pass the sugar"
or "that's my flannel"
But in the last
ten or 15 years
There just hasn't seemed
to be anything to say.
And anyway, I saw your phrase
advertised in the paper
And I thought
that's the kind of thing
I'd like to say to her.
Yes, well,
what we normally suggest
For a beginner such as yourself
Is that you put your alarm clock
back ten minutes in the morning
So you can wake up,
look at the clock
And use the phrase immediately.
Shall we try it?
Yes.
All right.
I'll be
the alarm clock.
When I go off
Look at me
and use the phrase, okay?
No! time to lose.
No. no time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No. to lose, like
toulouse in france.
No time toulouse.
No time toulouse.
No time toulouse.
No time toulouse.
No. no time to lose.
No, no time to lose.
"no-time toulouse... "
All right, you
yellow-bellied sidewinder
Go for your guns.
Anyway, no time to lose,
sergeant major.
Look out, sir!
Macdonald!
Macdonald!
We'll have
to hurry, sir.
Macdonald,
put that down.
Put that
down, lad.
He's reached the sixth plane
already, sir.
Right, here are the plans,
sergeant major.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir.
And good luck
to you, macdonald.
Thank you, sir.
Come on,
macdonald.
No time to lose.
Very good, sergeant major.
Yes, excellent.
So it was
That on a cold november morning
R.s.m. urdoch
and sapper macdonald--
One of the most highly
trained kamikaze experts
The scottish highlands
have ever witnessed
Left on a mission
which was to...
Oh, I can't go on
with this drivel.
All right,
macdonald.
No time to lose.
Macdonald!
Come on. up.
Well, that's the mission,
now here's the method.
R.s.m. urdoch will lull
the enemy
Into a false sense of security
By giving them
large quantities of money
A good home and a steady job.
Then, when they're
upstairs with the wife
Sapper macdonald will hurl
himself at the secret documents
Destroying them and himself.
Well, that's the plan.
The time is now 19.42 hours.
I want you to get to bed,
have a good night's rest
And be on parade
early in the morning.
Thank you for listening
And thank you
for a lovely supper.
And... and... and sue...
So.
so, so...
So the... the
in... intriptid
Intrepid.
Intrepid.
Intrepid r.s.m. urdoch
and super...
Sapper.
Sapper...
sapper macdonald...
M... made..
mead...
Made!
Made their why...
Way! way! way!
Way... way
to... toarro...
Towards!
Towards!
Towards...
Towards the...
the ruust... ruusty...
Rrr... ruusty... russian.
Russian!
Russian bolder...
Border! border! border!
And so, and so r.s.m. urdoch and
sapper macdonald made their way
Towards the russian bolder...
Border!
Hmm?
Penguins, yes, penguins.
What relevance do penguins have
To the furtherance
of medical science?
Well, strangely enough,
quite a lot--
A major breakthrough, maybe.
It was from such an unlikely
beginning as an unwanted fungus
Accidentally growing
on a sterile plate
That sir alexander fleming gave
the world penicillin.
James watt watched an ordinary
household kettle boiling
And conceived
the potentiality of steam power.
Would albert einstein
ever have hit upon
The theory of relativity
if he hadn't been clever?
All these tremendous
leaps forward
Have been taken in the dark.
Would rutherford ever have split
the atom if he hadn't tried?
Could marconi have
invented the radio
If he hadn't by pure chance
Spent years working
at the problem?
Are these amazing breakthroughs
ever achieved
Except by years and years
of unremitting study?
Of course not.
What I said earlier
about accidental discoveries
Must have been wrong.
Nevertheless, scientists believe
that these penguins
These comic, flightless,
web-footed little bastards
May finally,
unwittingly help man
To fathom the uncharted depths
of the human mind.
Professor rosewall
of the laver institute.
Hello.
Here at the institute,
professor charles pasarall
Dr. peaches bartkowicz
and myself
Have been working on the theory
Originally postulated
by the late dr. kramer
That the penguin is
intrinsically more intelligent
Than the human being.
The first thing that
dr. kramer came up with was
That the penguin has a much smaller
brain than the man.
This postulate formed
the fundamental basis
Of all of his thinking
And remained with him
until his death.
Now, we've taken this theory
one stage further.
If we increase
the size of the penguin
Until it is
the same height as the man
And then compare
the relative brain sizes
We now find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller.
But-- and this is the point--
it is larger than it was.
For a penguin to have
the same size of brain as a man
The penguin would have to be
over 66 feet high.
This theory has become known
as the "waste of time theory"
And was abandoned in 1956.
Hello again.
Standard i.q. tests gave
the following results.
The penguins scored
badly when compared
With primitive human subgroups
like the bushmen of the kalahari
But better
than bbc program planners.
The bbc program planners'
surprisingly high total here
Can be explained away
As being within the ordinary
limits of statistical error.
One particularly
dim program planner
Can cock the whole thing up.
These i.q. tests
Were thought to contain
an unfair cultural bias
Against the penguin.
For example, it didn't take
into account
The penguins' extremely poor
educational system.
To devise a fairer system
of tests
A team of our researchers
spent 18 months in antarctica
Living like penguins
And subsequently dying
like penguins-- only quicker--
Proving that the penguin is
a clever little sod
In his own environment.
Therefore, we devised tests
to be given to the penguins
In the fourth set--
I do beg your pardon--
in their own environment.
Net!
Shh!
What is the next number
in this sequence?
Two, four, six...
Did he say "eight"?
What is...
The environmental barrier
had been removed
But we'd hit another--
the language barrier.
The penguins could not
speak english
And were therefore unable
to give the answers.
This problem was removed in
the next series of experiments
By asking the same questions
to the penguins
And to a random group
of non-english-speaking humans
In the same conditions.
What is
the next number?
Two, four, six...
Hello?
The results of these tests
were most illuminating.
The penguins' scores
were consistently equal
To those of the
non-english-speaking group.
These inquiries led
to certain changes at the bbc...
While attendances
at zoos boomed.
Soon these feathery
little hustlers
Were infiltrating important
positions everywhere.
Help.
Oh!
Vizna veshchat.
Pravda karamentov.
We must study them
In conditions
of absolute secrecy.
Nyet?
Look out!
Nyet?
He hasn't gone off.
Slovati, tovarish!
What?
And welcome to spot the looney,
where once again, we invite you
To come with us
all over the world
To meet all kinds of people
in all kinds of places
And ask you to...
Spot the looney.
Our panel this evening:
gurt svensson
The swedish mammal abuser
and part-time radiator...
Good evening.
Dame elsie occluded--
historian, wit, bon viveur
And rear half
of the johnson brothers...
Good evening.
And miles yellowbird
up high in banana tree
The golfer and inventor
of catholicism.
Good evening.
And we'll be inviting them
to spot the looney.
Ah, yes, quite right.
A viewer from preston there
who's pointed out correctly
That the entire panel
are loonies.
Five points to preston there
And on to our first piece
of film.
It's about mountaineering
And remember, you have to
spot the looney.
The legendary south face
of ben macdhui--
Dark, forbidding...
Yes, well done.
Mrs. nesbitt of york
spotted the looney
In 1.8 seconds.
On to our second round,
and it's photo time.
We're going to invite you
to look at photos
Of tony jacklin, anthony barber,
edgar allan poe, katy boyle
Reginald maudling and a looney.
All you have to do is
spot the looney.
Now, I must ask you
please not to ring in
Until you've seen
all the photos.
Yes, you're right, the answer
was, of course, number two.
I'm afraid there's been
an error in our computer.
The correct answer should, of
course, have been number four
And not katy boyle.
Katy boyle is not a looney.
She is a television personality.
Now it's time for spot the
looney historical adaptation.
This time, it's the thrilling
medieval romance, ivanhoe
A stirring story of love
and war, violence and chivalry
Set amidst the pageantry
and splendor
Of 13th-century england.
All you have to do
is spot the looney.
Yes, well done,
mrs. l. of leicester
Mrs. b. of buxton
and mrs. g. of gatwick.
The looney was, of course,
the writer, sir walter scott.
I didn't write that.
Sounds more like dickens.
You bastard!
Was sir walter scott a looney
or was he the greatest flowering
Of the early 19th-century
romantic tradition?
The most underestimated novelist
of the 19th century
Or merely a disillusioned
and bitter man...
Excuse me, can I borrow
that, please?
Yes.
Thank you.
These trees behind me now were
planted over 40 years ago
As part of a policy
by the then crown woods
Who became the
forestry commission in 1924.
The forestry commission
systematically replanted
This entire area-- shh!
That's 40,000 acres
of virgin forest.
By 1980, this will
have risen
Up to 200,000 acres
of soft woods.
In commercial terms,
a coniferous cornucopia
An evergreen
el dorado
A tree-lined
treasure trove--
No!-- a fat fir cone future for
the financiers.
But what of the cost...
It's mine!
Go away!--
in human terms?
Who are
the casualties?
...for this was
sir walter scott's country.
In many of his finest romances
Such as guy mannering
or redgauntlet...
Give that back!
No!-- scott showed himself
to be not only a fine...
The spruces and firs of this forest
will be used...
Also a writer
of humor and...
Britain's timber resources
are being used up
At the rate of over...
One man who knew scott
was angus tinker.
Much of scott's greatest work--
And I'm thinking here
particularly
Of heart of midlothian
and old mortality, for example--
Are concerned with preserving
the life and conditions...
Forestry research
here has shown
That a wholly synthetic,
soft-timber fiber
Can be created, leaving
the harder trees--
The oaks, the beeches,
the larches and the pines
And even some of
the deciduous hardwoods.
This new soft-timber fiber
Would totally replace the plywoods,
hardboards and chipboards
At present
dominating the...
In the waverley novels
Scott was constantly concerned
to protect a way of life...
...and aspirations within the
necessary limitations
Of the gothic novel.
Scott explored
the tortuous
And at times
self-destructive...
Developments in
reinforced timber...
Scott lived in abbotsford in the
heart of the country...
...a subjugated
country...
...the canadian
timber exports
Which were still recovering
from the effects
Of two
unsuccessful...
In rob roy
and also in...
...the decline
in hard...
Thened... then-ed...
Then.
Then! ah!
The end!
Next week on book at bedtime
Jeremy toogood will be reading
anna sewell's black bu...
Butt... black beaut...
Black buttoon.
Black... bug... butom.
Tonight jeremy toogood reads
redgauntlet by sir walter scott.
Hello.
The sunsoot...
The sunsiett...
The sun... the sunset!
The sunset waas... was, was...
The sunset was...
di... deeing... dying
Over the hile...
hiel... he... heels...
Oh, hills, hills!
Of... slow... sol... way firth.
The love piper...
the lone piper.
The lone piper... on the ba...
Batt... ly... ments...
Of ed... ebing... ebingundir...
ed... edingburgher...
Edinburgh!
Edinburgh... castle
Was sil... silhou...
Saluted... s... si...
"the sunset was dying
"over the hills
of solway firth.
"the lone piper on the
battlements of edinburgh castle
Was silhouetted
against the crim..." crimsy...
Crimson!
Against the crimson
streeds... stre...
Streaked.
Streaked?
Crimson-streaked sky.
In the shadows
of carriganu...
Cran...
crungrin...
Cairngorm!
Ah!
In the shadows
of cairngorm
The layt...
Laird!
Laird! laird! laird!
Laird of...
of... of...
Laird of
monteu...
Montreux...
Montrose.
Montrose. montrose. montrose.
The laird
of montrose...
Gal-loped?
Galloped...
"the lone piper
On the battlements
of edinburgh castle..."
Next.
Here on top
of edinburgh castle
In conditions
of extreme secrecy
Men are being trained
For the british army's
first kamikaze regiment--
The queen's own
mckamikaze highlanders.
So successful has been
The training
of the kamikaze regiment
That the numbers have dwindled
From 30,000 to just over
a dozen in three weeks.
What makes these young scotsmen
so keen to kill themselves?
The money's good.
And the water skiing.
Attention!
All right, sergeant major,
at ease.
Now, how many chaps
you got left?
Six, sir.
Six?
Five, sir...
good luck, johnson.
Jolly good show,
sergeant major.
I've come
to tell you
We've got a job
for your five lads.
Four, sir.
For your four lads.
Good luck,
taggart.
Thank you,
sarge.
Now, this mission's
going to be dangerous
And it's going to be tough
and we're going to need
Every lad of yours
to pull his weight.
Now, which four are they?
These three
here, sir.
Okay, off
you go, smith.
Right!
Sergeant major.
Sir?!
You don't think
it might be a good idea
To stop the training
program for a little bit?
They got to be trained, sir--
it's a dangerous job.
Yes, I know but...
All right, macpherson,
you're next-- off you go.
You see, what is worrying me,
sergeant major...
I'll make it
a good one, sir!
Good luck,
macpherson.
Macpherson...
only this mission
Really is very dangerous.
We're going to need both
the chaps you've got left.
Both of who, sir?
Sergeant major, what's this
man's name?
This one, sir?
This one's
macdonald, sir.
Macdonald...
Go, lad.
no, no, no.
Hang on to macdonald,
sergeant major.
Hang on to him.
I don't know
whether I can, sir.
He's in a state of itsubishi
kyoto mcsayonara.
What's that?
It's the fifth state a scotsman
can achieve, sir.
He's got to finish himself off
by lunchtime
Or he thinks he's let
down the emperor, sir.
Well, can't we
get him out of it?
Oh, I don't know
how to, sir.
Our kamikaze instructor,
mr. yashimoto, was so good
He never left
tokyo airport.
Well, there must be someone else
who can advise us.
Good morning.
Kamikaze, please.
Yes, would you
go through, please?
Thank you.
All right, sergeant major.
No time to lose.
Beg pardon, sir?
No time
to lose.
No what, sir?
No time... no time to lose.
Oh, I see, sir.
No time... to lose!
Yes, that's right, yes.
Yes, no time to lose, sir.
Right!
Isn't that funny, sir.
I've never come across
that phrase before.
"no time to lose."
42 years I've been
in the regular army
And I've never heard
that phrase.
Well, it's
in perfectly common parlance.
In what, sir?
Oh, never mind.
Right-- no time to lose.
Eventually, yes, sir.
What?
Well, like you said, sir.
We'll be able
to make time eventually--
Without to lose, sir, no.
Look, um, I don't think
you've quite got
The hang of this phrase,
sergeant major.
Morning.
No time to lose.
Now, then, how
were you thinking
Of using this phrase?
Uh...
Well, I was thinking
of using it like, uh...
Uh... "good morning, dear.
What is in no time to lose?"
Yes, well, you've
not quite got
The hang of that,
have you?
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
Now, you want
to use this phrase
In everyday conversation,
is that right?
Yes, that's right, yes.
Yes, good.
My wife and I have...
My wife and I have never had a
great deal to say to each other.
In the old days we used
to find things to say
Like "pass the sugar"
or "that's my flannel"
But in the last
ten or 15 years
There just hasn't seemed
to be anything to say.
And anyway, I saw your phrase
advertised in the paper
And I thought
that's the kind of thing
I'd like to say to her.
Yes, well,
what we normally suggest
For a beginner such as yourself
Is that you put your alarm clock
back ten minutes in the morning
So you can wake up,
look at the clock
And use the phrase immediately.
Shall we try it?
Yes.
All right.
I'll be
the alarm clock.
When I go off
Look at me
and use the phrase, okay?
No! time to lose.
No. no time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No time to lose.
No. to lose, like
toulouse in france.
No time toulouse.
No time toulouse.
No time toulouse.
No time toulouse.
No. no time to lose.
No, no time to lose.
"no-time toulouse... "
All right, you
yellow-bellied sidewinder
Go for your guns.
Anyway, no time to lose,
sergeant major.
Look out, sir!
Macdonald!
Macdonald!
We'll have
to hurry, sir.
Macdonald,
put that down.
Put that
down, lad.
He's reached the sixth plane
already, sir.
Right, here are the plans,
sergeant major.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir.
And good luck
to you, macdonald.
Thank you, sir.
Come on,
macdonald.
No time to lose.
Very good, sergeant major.
Yes, excellent.
So it was
That on a cold november morning
R.s.m. urdoch
and sapper macdonald--
One of the most highly
trained kamikaze experts
The scottish highlands
have ever witnessed
Left on a mission
which was to...
Oh, I can't go on
with this drivel.
All right,
macdonald.
No time to lose.
Macdonald!
Come on. up.
Well, that's the mission,
now here's the method.
R.s.m. urdoch will lull
the enemy
Into a false sense of security
By giving them
large quantities of money
A good home and a steady job.
Then, when they're
upstairs with the wife
Sapper macdonald will hurl
himself at the secret documents
Destroying them and himself.
Well, that's the plan.
The time is now 19.42 hours.
I want you to get to bed,
have a good night's rest
And be on parade
early in the morning.
Thank you for listening
And thank you
for a lovely supper.
And... and... and sue...
So.
so, so...
So the... the
in... intriptid
Intrepid.
Intrepid.
Intrepid r.s.m. urdoch
and super...
Sapper.
Sapper...
sapper macdonald...
M... made..
mead...
Made!
Made their why...
Way! way! way!
Way... way
to... toarro...
Towards!
Towards!
Towards...
Towards the...
the ruust... ruusty...
Rrr... ruusty... russian.
Russian!
Russian bolder...
Border! border! border!
And so, and so r.s.m. urdoch and
sapper macdonald made their way
Towards the russian bolder...
Border!
Hmm?
Penguins, yes, penguins.
What relevance do penguins have
To the furtherance
of medical science?
Well, strangely enough,
quite a lot--
A major breakthrough, maybe.
It was from such an unlikely
beginning as an unwanted fungus
Accidentally growing
on a sterile plate
That sir alexander fleming gave
the world penicillin.
James watt watched an ordinary
household kettle boiling
And conceived
the potentiality of steam power.
Would albert einstein
ever have hit upon
The theory of relativity
if he hadn't been clever?
All these tremendous
leaps forward
Have been taken in the dark.
Would rutherford ever have split
the atom if he hadn't tried?
Could marconi have
invented the radio
If he hadn't by pure chance
Spent years working
at the problem?
Are these amazing breakthroughs
ever achieved
Except by years and years
of unremitting study?
Of course not.
What I said earlier
about accidental discoveries
Must have been wrong.
Nevertheless, scientists believe
that these penguins
These comic, flightless,
web-footed little bastards
May finally,
unwittingly help man
To fathom the uncharted depths
of the human mind.
Professor rosewall
of the laver institute.
Hello.
Here at the institute,
professor charles pasarall
Dr. peaches bartkowicz
and myself
Have been working on the theory
Originally postulated
by the late dr. kramer
That the penguin is
intrinsically more intelligent
Than the human being.
The first thing that
dr. kramer came up with was
That the penguin has a much smaller
brain than the man.
This postulate formed
the fundamental basis
Of all of his thinking
And remained with him
until his death.
Now, we've taken this theory
one stage further.
If we increase
the size of the penguin
Until it is
the same height as the man
And then compare
the relative brain sizes
We now find that the penguin's
brain is still smaller.
But-- and this is the point--
it is larger than it was.
For a penguin to have
the same size of brain as a man
The penguin would have to be
over 66 feet high.
This theory has become known
as the "waste of time theory"
And was abandoned in 1956.
Hello again.
Standard i.q. tests gave
the following results.
The penguins scored
badly when compared
With primitive human subgroups
like the bushmen of the kalahari
But better
than bbc program planners.
The bbc program planners'
surprisingly high total here
Can be explained away
As being within the ordinary
limits of statistical error.
One particularly
dim program planner
Can cock the whole thing up.
These i.q. tests
Were thought to contain
an unfair cultural bias
Against the penguin.
For example, it didn't take
into account
The penguins' extremely poor
educational system.
To devise a fairer system
of tests
A team of our researchers
spent 18 months in antarctica
Living like penguins
And subsequently dying
like penguins-- only quicker--
Proving that the penguin is
a clever little sod
In his own environment.
Therefore, we devised tests
to be given to the penguins
In the fourth set--
I do beg your pardon--
in their own environment.
Net!
Shh!
What is the next number
in this sequence?
Two, four, six...
Did he say "eight"?
What is...
The environmental barrier
had been removed
But we'd hit another--
the language barrier.
The penguins could not
speak english
And were therefore unable
to give the answers.
This problem was removed in
the next series of experiments
By asking the same questions
to the penguins
And to a random group
of non-english-speaking humans
In the same conditions.
What is
the next number?
Two, four, six...
Hello?
The results of these tests
were most illuminating.
The penguins' scores
were consistently equal
To those of the
non-english-speaking group.
These inquiries led
to certain changes at the bbc...
While attendances
at zoos boomed.
Soon these feathery
little hustlers
Were infiltrating important
positions everywhere.
Help.
Oh!
Vizna veshchat.
Pravda karamentov.
We must study them
In conditions
of absolute secrecy.
Nyet?
Look out!
Nyet?
He hasn't gone off.
Slovati, tovarish!
What?
And welcome to spot the looney,
where once again, we invite you
To come with us
all over the world
To meet all kinds of people
in all kinds of places
And ask you to...
Spot the looney.
Our panel this evening:
gurt svensson
The swedish mammal abuser
and part-time radiator...
Good evening.
Dame elsie occluded--
historian, wit, bon viveur
And rear half
of the johnson brothers...
Good evening.
And miles yellowbird
up high in banana tree
The golfer and inventor
of catholicism.
Good evening.
And we'll be inviting them
to spot the looney.
Ah, yes, quite right.
A viewer from preston there
who's pointed out correctly
That the entire panel
are loonies.
Five points to preston there
And on to our first piece
of film.
It's about mountaineering
And remember, you have to
spot the looney.
The legendary south face
of ben macdhui--
Dark, forbidding...
Yes, well done.
Mrs. nesbitt of york
spotted the looney
In 1.8 seconds.
On to our second round,
and it's photo time.
We're going to invite you
to look at photos
Of tony jacklin, anthony barber,
edgar allan poe, katy boyle
Reginald maudling and a looney.
All you have to do is
spot the looney.
Now, I must ask you
please not to ring in
Until you've seen
all the photos.
Yes, you're right, the answer
was, of course, number two.
I'm afraid there's been
an error in our computer.
The correct answer should, of
course, have been number four
And not katy boyle.
Katy boyle is not a looney.
She is a television personality.
Now it's time for spot the
looney historical adaptation.
This time, it's the thrilling
medieval romance, ivanhoe
A stirring story of love
and war, violence and chivalry
Set amidst the pageantry
and splendor
Of 13th-century england.
All you have to do
is spot the looney.
Yes, well done,
mrs. l. of leicester
Mrs. b. of buxton
and mrs. g. of gatwick.
The looney was, of course,
the writer, sir walter scott.
I didn't write that.
Sounds more like dickens.
You bastard!
Was sir walter scott a looney
or was he the greatest flowering
Of the early 19th-century
romantic tradition?
The most underestimated novelist
of the 19th century
Or merely a disillusioned
and bitter man...
Excuse me, can I borrow
that, please?
Yes.
Thank you.
These trees behind me now were
planted over 40 years ago
As part of a policy
by the then crown woods
Who became the
forestry commission in 1924.
The forestry commission
systematically replanted
This entire area-- shh!
That's 40,000 acres
of virgin forest.
By 1980, this will
have risen
Up to 200,000 acres
of soft woods.
In commercial terms,
a coniferous cornucopia
An evergreen
el dorado
A tree-lined
treasure trove--
No!-- a fat fir cone future for
the financiers.
But what of the cost...
It's mine!
Go away!--
in human terms?
Who are
the casualties?
...for this was
sir walter scott's country.
In many of his finest romances
Such as guy mannering
or redgauntlet...
Give that back!
No!-- scott showed himself
to be not only a fine...
The spruces and firs of this forest
will be used...
Also a writer
of humor and...
Britain's timber resources
are being used up
At the rate of over...
One man who knew scott
was angus tinker.
Much of scott's greatest work--
And I'm thinking here
particularly
Of heart of midlothian
and old mortality, for example--
Are concerned with preserving
the life and conditions...
Forestry research
here has shown
That a wholly synthetic,
soft-timber fiber
Can be created, leaving
the harder trees--
The oaks, the beeches,
the larches and the pines
And even some of
the deciduous hardwoods.
This new soft-timber fiber
Would totally replace the plywoods,
hardboards and chipboards
At present
dominating the...
In the waverley novels
Scott was constantly concerned
to protect a way of life...
...and aspirations within the
necessary limitations
Of the gothic novel.
Scott explored
the tortuous
And at times
self-destructive...
Developments in
reinforced timber...
Scott lived in abbotsford in the
heart of the country...
...a subjugated
country...
...the canadian
timber exports
Which were still recovering
from the effects
Of two
unsuccessful...
In rob roy
and also in...
...the decline
in hard...
Thened... then-ed...
Then.
Then! ah!
The end!
Next week on book at bedtime
Jeremy toogood will be reading
anna sewell's black bu...
Butt... black beaut...
Black buttoon.
Black... bug... butom.