Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 11 - Dennis Moore - full transcript

Boxing tonight comes
from the empire pool, wembley

And features
the main heavyweight bout

Between jack bodell, british
and empire heavyweight champion

And sir kenneth clark.

It's the first time
these two have met

So there should be
some real action tonight.

This then is the height

Of the english
renaissance

The triumph of classical
over gothic...

He's down.

Sir kenneth clark is down
in eight seconds.



But he's up again,
he's up at six.

The almost ordered facades
of palladio's villas reflect...

And he's down again

And I don't think he's going
to get up this time.

No, so jack bodell has
defeated sir kenneth clark

In the very first round
here tonight.

And so this big lincolnshire
heavyweight becomes

The new oxford
professor of fine art.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now...

It's...

Monty python's
flying circuseses.



Stand and deliver!

Drop that gun!

Let that be a warning
to you all.

You move at your peril
for I have two pistols here.

I know one of them
isn't loaded anymore

But the other one is, so
that's one of you dead for sure

Or just about
for sure anyway.

It certainly
wouldn't be

Worth your while
risking it

Because I'm
a very good shot.

I practice
every day.

Well, not absolutely every day

But most days in the week.

I expect I must practice
four or five times a week...

At least... at least
four or five

Only some weekends,
like last weekend

There wasn't much time

So that brings the average
down a bit.

But I should say

It's definitely a solid
four days' practice every week

At least.

I mean, I reckon I could hit
that tree over there--

The one behind the hillock.

Not the big hillock,
the little hillock on the left.

You can see the three trees--

The third
from the left

And back a bit,
that one--

I reckon I could hit that
four times out of five...

On a good day.

Say, with this wind, say...
say, seven times out of ten.

What-- that tree there?

Which one?

The big beech

With the sort
of bare branch

Coming out
of the top left.

No, no, not that one.

No, no, he means
the one over there.

Look, do you see
that one there?

Yes.

Well, now go two
along to the right.

Just near
that little bush.

Well, it's the one
just behind it.

Ah, the elm!

That's not an elm.

An elm's got sort of great
clumps of leaves like that.

That's either a beech
or a, um... a, uh... a hornbeam.

A hornbeam?

No, not a hornbeam.

What's the tree that has

A leaf with sort of
regular veins coming out

And the veins go
all the way out to the...

Serrated!

To the serrated edges?

A willow.

That's right.

That's nothing like a willow.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

I could hit it seven times
out of ten-- that's the point.

Never a willow.

Shut up!

This is a holdup,
not a botany lesson.

Right! now, my fine friends,
no false moves, please.

I want you to hand over
all the lupins you've got.

Lupins?!

Yes, lupins, come on, come on!

What do you mean-- lupins?

Don't try and play for time.

I'm not.

You mean the flower lupins?

That's right.

Well, we haven't
got any lupins.

Honestly.

Look, my fine friends

I happen to know
that this is the lupin express.

You must be out
of your tiny mind.

Get out of the coach.

Come on, get out!

Just as I thought.

Not clever enough,
my fine friends.

Come on, concorde.

Well, so much for the lupins.

Dennis moore, dennis moore

Galloping through the sward

Dennis moore, dennis moore

And his horse, concorde

He steals from the rich

And gives to the poor

Mr. moore

Mr. moore...

Here we are,
I'll be back.

Mr. moore.

Morning,
mrs. trepidatious.

Oh, I don't know
what's good about it.

My right arm's hanging off
something awful.

Oh, you want to
have that seen to.

What-- by that dr. morrison?

He's killed more patients
than I've had severe boils.

What do the stars say?

Well, petula clark says
burst them early

But david frost...

No, the stars in the paper

You cloth-eared heap
of anteater's catarrh.

The zodiacal signs,
the horoscopic fates

The astrological portents

The omens, the genethliac
prognostications

The mantalogical harbingers,
the vaticinal utterances

The fratidical premonitory utterances
of the mantalogical omens.

What do the bleeding stars
in the paper predict

Forecast, prophesy,
foretell, prognosticate...

And this is where
you at home can join in.

Forebode, bode,
augur, spell...

Foretoken, presage, portend

Foreshow, foreshadow, fore-run

Herald, point to, betoken,
indicate?!

I don't know.

What are you?

I'm nesbitt.

There's not a zodiacal
sign called nesbitt.

All right,
derry and toms.

"aquarius, scorpio, virgo,
derry and toms.

April 29 to march 22,
even dates only."

Well, what does it presage?

"you have green, scaly skin

"and a soft
yellow underbelly

"with a series of finlike ridges

"running down your spine
and tail.

"although lizardlike in shape

"you can grow anything
up to 30 feet in length

"with huge teeth
that can bite off

"great rocks
and trees.

"you inhabit arid
subtropical zones

And wear spectacles."

Hmm, it's very good
about the spectacles.

It's amazing!

Hmm, what's yours,
irene?

Basil.

I'm sorry, what's
yours, basil?

No, that's my
star sign-- basil.

There isn't
a star sign...

Yes, there is.

"aquarius, sagittarius,
derry and toms

Basil-- june 21 till june 22."

Well, what does it say?

"you have green, scaly skin

"and a series of yellow
underbellies running down

Your spine
and tail..."

That's exactly the same!

Oh! try another one.

What's aquarius?

It's a zodiacal sign.

I know that!

What's it say in the paper,
mrs. flan-and-pickle?

All right.

Oh! it says,
"a wonderful day ahead.

"you'll be surrounded
by family and friends.

"roger moore will
drop in for lunch

"bringing tony curtis with him.

"in the afternoon, a substantial
cash sum will come your way.

"in the evening, petula clark
will visit your home

"accompanied by
the mike sammes singers.

"she will sing for you
in your own living room.

"before you go to bed,
peter wyngarde will come

And declare
his undying love for you."

Both:
eww!

What's scorpio?

Oh, that's very good.

"you will have lunch with a
school friend of duane eddy's

"who will insist
on whistling

"some of duane's greatest
instrumental hits.

"in the afternoon,
you will die.

You will
be buried..."

Good morning.

Oh, morning, doctor.

And how's the old arm
this morning, mrs. ikon?

Oh, it's still hanging off at
the shoulder.

Good, well, let's have
a look at it, shall we?

Oh, damn!

Oh, damn this
wretched little bag.

Oh, damn, this wretched,
bloody little bag.

If there's one thing I hate
about being a doctor

It's this wretched,
bloody little bag.

Oh, damn this wretched,
bloody little bag!

Damn it!

Damn that wretched
little bag.

Damn you wretched
little bag!

There, right.

What's that doing in here?

Right! well...

Hand over the money.

Come on, all of it.

Thank you.

Yes, that seems
to be okay.

I'll just test
your reflexes.

Everything seems
to be okay.

I'll see you
next week.

Keep collecting
the pensions

And try not to spend
too much on food.

Thank you, doctor.

Morning, mr. henson.

How are we today?

Not too bad, doctor.

Okay, take it easy.

Expecting any postal
orders this week?

No.

Righto.

Ah, mr. rodgers,
have you got

Your unemployment
benefits, please?

Right-- well,
can you write me

A check then, please?

Thank you very much.

Soon have you
down to nothing.

Ah, mr. millichope.

Hmm... two hours
left to do.

Ooh, lovely!

Dinner's ready, dear.

Sorry, your time's up,
mr. spewm.

I'm afraid you lose
both the 3p suite

And your youngest daughter.

Hello.

Should there be another
television channel

Or should there not?

On tonight's program,
the minister for broadcasting

The right honorable
mr. ian throat m.p.

Good evening.

The chairman

Of amalgamated money tv,
sir abe sappenheim.

Good evening.

The shadow spokesman

For television, lord kinwoodie.

Hello.

And a television critic

Mr. patrick loone.

Hello.

Gentlemen

Should there be a fourth
television channel or not?

Ian?

Yes.

Francis?

Nope.

Sir abe?

Yes.

Patrick?

No.

Well, there you have it--

Two say "will," two say "won't."

We'll be back again next week,
and next week's great debate

Will be about government
interference in broadcasting

And will be canceled
mysteriously.

Just starting on bbc 1 now,
victoria regina

The inspiring tale of
the simple crofter's daughter

Who worked her way up
to become queen of england

And empress of the greatest
empire television has ever seen.

On bbc 2 now,
episode three of george i

The new 116-part serial

About the famous english king
who hasn't been done yet.

On itv now, the...

...but absolutely
delightful.

But, of course,
you know, who cares?

Ah! 'tis my lord
of buckingham.

Pray welcome,
your grace.

Thank you,
grantley.

Ladies, may i
introduce to you

The man who prophesied

That a german monarch would
soon embroil this country

In continental affairs.

Oh, how so, my lord?

Madam, you will recall that,
prior to his accession

Our gracious sovereign george
had become involved

In the long-standing
northern war

Through his claim
to bremen and verdun.

These duchies
would provide

An outlet
to the sea

Of the utmost
value to hanover.

The treaty
of westphalia

Has assigned
them to sweden.

In 1648.

Exactly.

Meanwhile,
frederick william of denmark

Taking advantage of
the absence of charles xii

Seized them-- 1712.

Oh, yes.

It all falls into
place-- more wine?

Oh, thank you.

However, just prior
to his accession

George had made an alliance

With frederick william
of prussia

On the grounds of party feeling.

While frederick william had
married george's only daughter.

I remember
the wedding.

But chiefly,
through concern

At the concerted
action...

Stand and deliver!

Dennis moore!

The same.

And now, my lords, my ladies

Your lupins, please.

Our what?

Come, come, don't play games
with me, my lord of buckingham.

What can you mean?

Your life or your lupins

My lord.

In a bunch, in a bunch.

Thank you, my friends.

And now a good evening
to you all.

He seeks them here,
he seeks them there

He seeks those lupins
everywhere.

The murdering
blackguard!

He's taken
all our lupins.

Not quite.

Oh, you tricked him.

We still
have one.

Hooray!

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
riding through the night

Soon every lupin in the land
will be in his mighty hand

He steals them from the rich
and gives them to the poor

Mr. moore

Mr. moore

Mr. moore.

Try to eat some, my dear.

It'll give you strength.

Oh, mr. moore, mr. moore,
she's going fast.

Don't worry,
I've...

I've brought
you something.

Medicine, at last?

No.

Food?

Nope.

Blankets?

Clothes, wood for the fire?

Nope.

Lupins!

Oh, christ!

I thought you'd
like them.

I'm sick to bloody death
of them!

So am i!

She's bloody dying

And all you bring us
is lupins!

All we've eaten, mate, for
the last four bleeding weeks

Is lupin soup, roast lupin,
steamed lupin

Braised lupin
in lupin sauce

Lupin in the basket
with sauteed lupins

Lupin meringue pie,
lupin sorbet.

We sit on lupins,
we sleep in lupins

We feed the cat on lupins

We burn lupins,
we even wear the bloody things!

Looks very smart.

Oh, shut up!

We're sick to death
with the stench of them!

Look!

The cat's just choked
itself to death on them!

I don't care
if I never see another lupin

Till the day I die!

Why don't you go out
and steal something useful?

Like what?

Like gold and silver and clothes

And wood and jewels and...

Hang on, I'll get
a piece of paper.

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
dum, dum, dum, the night.

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
dum, de, dum, dum, plight.

He steals dum, dum, dum
and dum, dum, dum, dum, dee

Dennis, dum, dennis, dee,
dum, dum, dum.

This, coupled with the presence

Of peter and his prussians
in mecklenburg

And charles and his swedes
in pomerania

Made george and stanhope eager
to come to terms with france.

Meanwhile, a breach
had now opened with...

Oh, no, not again!

Oh, come on!

Stand and deliver again!

Your money, your jewelry,
your... hang on...

Your clothes, your snuff,
your ornaments

Your glassware,
your pussy cats...

Don't say anything
about the lupin.

Your watches, your lace,
your spittoons...

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
riding through the woods

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
with a bag of things

He gives to the poor
and he takes from the rich

Dennis moore,
dennis moore...

Here we are.

Dennis moore.

Well, it may be the end of that

But it's certainly far
from the end of...

Well, in fact,
it's the beginning...

Well, not quite the beginning.

Well, certainly nearer
the beginning than the end...

Well, yes, damn it, it is,
to all intents and purposes

The beginning of this year's
ideal loon exhibition

Sponsored by the daily express.

Numbskulls and boobies
from all over the country

Have been arriving to go
through their strange paces

Before a large paying crowd.

This is the 15th
ideal loon exhibition

And we took a good look round

After it was opened
by its patron.

Here's kevin bruce, the
digger duffer from down under

Who's ranked 14th in the
world's silly positions league.

This kind of incoherent behavior

Is really beginning
to catch on down under.

There's norman kirby, from
new zealand, whose specialty

Is standing behind a screen
with a lady with no clothes on.

In real life,
norman is a gynecologist

But this is his lunch hour.

And from france

There's a superb exhibition
of rather silly behavior

By the friends of
the free french osteopaths.

...trois, un, deux, trois,
un, deux, trois

Un, deux, trois,
un, deux, trois...

They do this
over 400 times a day.

Nobody knows why.

But for sheer pointless behavior

You've got
to admire brian broomers

The battling british boy
who, for two weeks

Has been suspended
over a tin of condemned veal.

Always popular with the crowd

Is the scotsman
with nae trews exhibit

And this year's no exception.

Sponsored by natural gas
and glasgow city council

This exhibit is
entirely supported

By voluntary contributions.

But for a truly magnificent
waste of time

You've got to go no further
than the exhibit from italy--

Italian priests in custard

Discussing vital matters
of the day.

These lads from a seminary
near cremona

Have been practicing
for well over a year.

As always,
one of the great attractions

Of this 14-day exhibition

Is the display
of counter marching

Given by the massed pipes
and toilet requisites

Of the colwyn bay massed pipes
and toilet requisites club.

An interesting point
about these boys is

They all have one thing
in common-- hip injuries.

Not far away,
the crowds are flocking to see

A member of the famous
royal canadian mounted geese.

But the climax of the whole
event is the judging.

Mr. justice burke.

Well, that's the last

And let's just see
those last six once again.

And the winner is
number 41, mr. justice burke.

Attention, attention,
suspect heading due north.

Plan 13-a is now in effect.

Whoop!

Yet fear,
not like an aged florin

Can so disseminate men's eyes

That fortune, straining
at a kissing touch

May stop her ceaseless search

To sport amidst
the rampant thrust of time

And bring
the thing undone to pass

By that with which the cock
may chance an arm.

Well, that's all
very well, sir

But this is
an off-license.

Uh, just a bottle
of sherry then, please.

Certainly, um,
amontillado?

Yes, I think
amontillado--

Finely grown,
well-chosen

From the cask
of pluto's hills

Cell'd deep within
the vinous soil of spain

Wrench'd thence from
fiery regions of the sun...

Yes, yes, sir,
just one bottle?

Just one bottle.

Just one jot.

Just one tittle.

That's the lot.

There we are, sir.

That'll be a pound, sir.

A pound, a pound

And all around abound
a pound found found

Lost lost the cost
till was't embossed...

Excuse me, sir.

Yes, good victualler,
nature's trencherman

Mine honest tapster...

I was just wondering,
are you a poet?

No, no, I'm... I'm a solicitor.

A solicitor... oh.

Well-versed within
the written law of man

Who can to those who need...

Oh, shut up!

I'm sorry.

I'm afraid I've caught poetry.

Oh, really?

Well, don't worry, sir

I used to suffer
from short stories.

Really? when?

Oh, once upon a time.

There lived in wiltshire

A young chap
called dennis moore.

Now, dennis was a highwayman
by profession

And for
several months

He'd been stealing
from the rich

To give to the poor.

One day...

Here we are again.

Mr. jenkins?

There we are.

I'll be back.

Meanwhile, frederick william,
busily engaged

In defending against
the three great powers

The province of silesia...

Which he
had seized

In the war of the austrian
succession

Against
his word.

Yes, I remember.

Was now dependent
on pitt's subsidies.

My lords, my ladies,
on your feet, please!

I must ask you to do
exactly as I say

Or I shall be forced to shoot
you right between the eyes!

Well, not right between the
eyes, I mean...

When I say "between the eyes"

Obviously I don't have
to be that accurate.

I mean, if I hit you
in that sort of area, like that

Obviously, that's
all right for me.

I mean, I don't
have to try

And sort of hit a point
bisecting a line

Drawn between your pupils,
or anything like that.

I mean, from my point of view,
it's perfectly satisfactory...

What do you want?

Why are you here?

Well, why are any of us here?

I mean, when you get down to it

It's all so meaningless,
isn't it?

I mean, what do any of us want?

No, no, what do you
want now?

Oh, I see, oh,
just the usual things

A little place of my own,
the right girl...

No, no, no!

What do you want from us?

Oh, um... your gold,
your silver, your jewelry.

You've taken
it all.

This is all
we've got left.

That's nice.

I'll have them.

Come on.

You'd better take the bloody
lupin, too.

Thank you very much.

I've gone through that stage.

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
etcetera, etcetera.

What you got for us
today, then?

Well, I've managed to
find you

Four very nice silver spoons,
mr. jenkins.

Who do you think
you are

Giving us poor
this rubbish?

Bloody silver--

Won't have it
in the house.

And those
candlesticks

You got us
last week

Were only 16-carat.

Yeah, why don't you go out
and steal something nice

Like some venetian silver?

Or a velasquez
for the outside loo.

Oh, all right.

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
riding through the land

Dennis moore, dennis moore,
without a merry band

He steals from the poor
and gives to the rich

Stupid bitch.

What did you sing?

We sang, "he steals from
the poor and gives to the rich."

Wait a tic...

Blimey, this
redistribution of wealth

Is trickier than I thought.

Good evening, and welcome
to another edition of prejudice

The show that gives you
a chance to have a go

At wops, krauts, nigs, eyeties,
gippos, bubbles, froggies

Chinks, yidds, jocks,
polacks, paddies and dagoes.

Tonight's show comes live

From the tiny village of rabid
in buckinghamshire.

And our first question tonight
is from a mrs. elizabeth scrint

Who says she is going on
a mediterranean cruise next week

And can't find anything wrong
with the syrians.

Well, mrs. scrint,
apart from being

Totally unprincipled,
left-wing troublemakers

The syrians are
also born skivers.

They're dirty, smelly
and untrustworthy

And, of course, they're friends
of the awful gippos.

Well, there you are,
mrs. scrint.

Hope that answers
some of your problems.

Have a nice trip.

Well, now, the result
of last week's competition

When we asked you

To find a derogatory term
for the belgians.

Well, the response was enormous

And we took quite a long time
sorting out the winners.

There were some
very clever entries.

A mrs. hatred,
of leicester, said

"let's not call them anything,
let's just ignore them."

And a mr. st. john,
of huntingdon, said

He couldn't think of anything
more derogatory than "belgians."

But in the end, we
settled on three choices.

Number three, "the sprouts"

Sent in by mrs. vicious,
of hastings.

Very nice.

Number two, "the phlegms"

From mrs. childmolester,
of worthing.

But the winner
was undoubtedly

From mrs. no-supper-for-you,
from norwood in lancashire

"miserable, fat
belgian bastards."

Very good, very good,
thank you, carol.

But, as you know,
on this program

We're not just prejudiced
against race or color.

We're also prejudiced against--
yes, you've guessed--

Stinking homosexuals!

So before the streets start
emptying in chelsea tonight

Let's go straight over to our
popular prejudiced panel game

And invite you once again
to "shoot the poof"!

And could our first contestant
sign in, please?

Our first contestant
is a hairdresser from...

Ooh, I never did like
that kind of person.

Halt! halt!

Gentlemen, ladies, bring out
your valuables, please.

Oh, no!

Come along, sir,
come along.

Come along,
madam.

Now...

Is that all
you've got?

Yes.

Well, he's got much more
than you

So you'd better have
some of his.

He's got
a lot of these.

Oh, sorry... pick them up
in a moment.

There's about, oh, what, nine
down there

So you must
have about...

Oh, he's still
got lots...

You've got what?

You've got more
than he started with

So if I give you
some of those...

Uh, well, now, look,
if I give you that, uh...

Have you got a bit of jewelry?

Yes, if I give you that one

And you have
some of his coins...

Is that
another box?

Were you trying
to hide it?

Ooh,
that's nice!

I'll have that.

Right.

Now, I've got
a tiara...

You've got one,
you've got one.

You've got one
of the boxes.

You've got one.

Anyone else
got a tiara?

Take your
hat off.

Oh, honestly

It's absolutely
pointless

Trying to do this if you're
going to cheat.

It really is
awful of you.

I thought you
should have won.

I mean, judicially,
you swept the board.

All right,
he had posture

But where was he
in the summing up?

Oh, shut up, melford,
there's always next year.