Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 2, Episode 13 - Royal Episode Thirteen - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen

I am not simply going to say

"and now for something
completely different" this week

As I do not think it fit.

This is a particularly
auspicious occasion

For us this evening,
as we have been told

That her majesty the queen
will be watching

Part of this show tonight.

And we don't know exactly when
her majesty will be tuning in.

We understand that at the moment
she is watching the virginian

But we have been promised
that we will be informed



The moment
that she changes channel.

Her majesty would like everyone
to behave quite normally

But her equerry has asked me
to request all of you at home

To stand when
the great moment arrives--

Although we here in the studio
will be carrying on

With our humorous vignettes
and spoofs in the ordinary way.

Thank you.

And now without any more ado
and completely as normal

Here are the opening titles.

The coal miners of wales
have long been famed

For their tough, rugged life
hewing the black gold

From the uncompromising hell
of one mile under.

This is the story of such men--

Battling gallantly
against floods, roof falls



The english criminal law

The hidden killer,
carbon monoxide

And the ever-present threat
of pneumoconiosis which is a...

A disease miners get.

Don't you talk
to me like that

You lying bastard.

You bleeding pig.

You're not fit
to be down a mine.

Typical bleeding
rhondda, isn't it.

You think you're
so bloody clever.

All right.

You're bloody
fighting again?

Break it up

Or I'll put this pick
through your head.

Now what's
it all about?

He started it.

Oh, you bleeding pig,
you started it.

I don't care
who bloody started it

What's it about?

Well, he said the bloody treaty
of utrecht was 1713.

So it bloody is.

No, it bloody isn't.

It wasn't ratified
till february 1714.

He's bluffing.

Your mind's gone,
jenkins.

You're rubbish.

He's right,
jenkins.

It was ratified
september 1713.

The whole bloody pit
knows that.

Look, in trevelyn,
page 468.

He's thinking of the treaty
of bloody westphalia.

Are you saying I don't know
the difference between

The war of the bloody
spanish succession

And the thirty
bloody years' war?

You don't know
the difference

Between the battle
of borodino

And a tiger's bum.

Break it up!
break it up!

I'm sick of all this
bloody fighting.

If it's not the bloody
treaty of utrecht

It's the bloody
binomial theorem.

This isn't the senior
common room at all souls--

It's the bloody coal face.

Hey, gaffer, can you
settle something?

Morgan here says you find the
abacus between the triglyphs

In the frieze section
of the entablature

Of classical
greek doric temples.

You bloody fool, morgan.

That's the metope.

The abacus is between

The architrave and the echinus
in the capital.

You stinking liar!

Break it up.

Oh, most magnificent
and merciful majesty

Master of the universe,
protector of the meek

Whose nose we are not
worthy to pick

And whose very feces
are an untrammeled delight

And whose peacocks
keep us awake

All hours of the night
with their noisy lovemaking

We beseech thee, tell thy
humble servants the name

Of the section between the
triglyphs in the frieze section

Of a classical doric
entablature.

No idea.

Sorry.

Right. everybody out.

Still no settlement

In the coal mine dispute
at llanddarog.

Miners refuse to return to work

Until the management define
a metope.

Meanwhile, at dagenham

The unofficial strike committee
at fords

Have increased their demands

To 13 reasons
why henry iii was a bad king.

And finally, in the disgusting
objects international

At wembley tonight,
england beat spain

By a plate of braised pus
to a putrid heron.

And now,
the toad elevating moment.

Good evening.

Well, we have
in the studio tonight

A man who says things
in a very roundabout way.

Isn't that so,
mr. pudifoot?

Yes.

Have you always
said things

In a very
roundabout way?

Yes.

I can't help noticing
that for someone who claims

To say things
in a very roundabout way

Your last two answers
have had very little

Of the discursive quality
about them.

Oh, well,
I'm not very talkative today.

It's a form
of defensive response

To intense
interrogative stimuli.

I used to get it very bad
when I was a boy...

Well, when I say badly

In fact, do you remember
that fashion they had

For, you know, little poodles
with small coats...?

Ah, now you're
beginning to talk...

You're beginning to talk
in a roundabout way.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no.
please do carry on

Because that is in fact why we
wanted you on the show.

I thought it was because
you were interested in me

As a human being.

Well, let's move on
to our next guest

Who not only lives in essex

But also speaks only
the ends of words.

Mr. ohn ith.
mr. ith, good evening.

...ood ...ing.

Nice to have you...

Nice to have you
on the show.

...ice ...o ...e ...ere.

Mr. ith, don't you find it
very difficult

To make yourself understood?

Yes, it is extremely difficult.

Just a minute. you're a fraud.

Oh, no. I can speak the third

And fourth sentences
perfectly normally.

I see.

So your next sentence will be
only the ends of words again?

...t's ...ight.

As we move on
to our next guest

Who speaks only
the beginnings of words--

Mr. j... sm...

Mr. sm...,
good evening.

G... e...

Have you two
met before?

N... o.
N...

Well, this is really
a fascinating occasion

Because we have
in the studio

Mr. ...oh... ...i...

Who speaks only
the middles of words.

Good evening.

...oo...
...ni...

And where do
you come from?

...u... ...i... ...a...

Dunfermline
in scotland.

Well, let me
introduce you.

Mr. ohn ith.

...ood
...ing.

Mr. j... sm...

...ooo...
...ni...

G... eve...

Yes, well, ha, ha,
just a moment.

Perhaps you'd all like
to say good evening together.

G... oo...d

Eve... ni... ing

Hi, there, beautiful.

Hi, bob.

Say, what's the matter
with you?

I don't know, tom

But girls seem
to avoid me these days.

Hmm, could be bad breath, bob.

Say, have you tried using
crelm toothpaste?

Gosh, tom, do you think
that would help?

You bet your boots it will, bob.

Tom was sure right.

Crelm has changed my life.

Hi, girls.

This table has been treated

With ordinary soap powder

But these have been treated
with new fibro-val.

We put both of them
in our washing machine

And just look at the difference.

The table

Is all broken and smashed--

But the sheets, with fibro-val,
are sparkling clean and white.

I love the surgical garment.

Enjoy the delights of the
victor mature abdominal corset.

Sail down the nile
on the bleed-it kosher truss.

And don't forget
the hercules hold-'em-in--

The all-purpose concrete truss

For the man with
the family hernia.

Well, last week on fish club

We learnt how to sex a pike.

And this week we're going
to learn how to feed a goldfish.

Now, contrary
to what most people think

The goldfish has
a ravenous appetite.

If it doesn't get enough protein
it gets very thin--

Its bones begin to stick out
and its fins start to fall off.

So once a week

Give your goldfish
a really good meal.

Here's one specially recommended

By the board
of irresponsible people.

First, some cold consomme
or gazpacho...

Then some sausages
with spring greens...

Sauteed potatoes, bread,
gravy...

The rspca wish it to be known

That that man was not
a bona-fide animal lover

And also that goldfish
do not eat sausages...

...treacle tart!

Shut up.

They are quite happy with
breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and...

Who wrote that?

Come on.

Oh, charles.

Come on.

Oh, oh...

Oh, come on...

Oh...

Oh...

I hope you're enjoying
the show.

Herbert mental
collects bird-watchers' eggs.

At his home in surrey

He has a collection
of over 400 of them.

Here now, this is
a very interesting one.

This is
from a mr. p.f. bradshaw.

He is usually found
in surrey hedgerows

But I found this one

In the gents at st. pancras,
uneaten.

Mr. mental, why did you start
collecting bird-watcher's eggs?

Well, I did it
to get on man alive.

Man alive?

That's right, yes.

Uh, but then, that got
all serious.

So I carried on in the hope
of a quick appearance

As an eccentric on the regional
section of nationwide.

Mr. mental, I believe
a couple of years ago

You started to collect
butterfly hunters.

Butterfly hunters?

Yes.

Oh, that's right.

Here's a couple of them
over here.

Nice little chaps.

But the hobby I enjoyed most
was racing pigeon fanciers.

Dinsdale! dinsdale!

Is the balloon ready?

Yeah, boss.

Coming right up.

Okay, let's go.

Uh, good morning.

I've been in
touch with you

About the, uh,
life insurance.

Ah, yes.

Uh did you...
did you bring the, uh...

Mmm, specimen
of your...

Um, and so on
and so on?

Uh, yes, I did.

It's in the car.

There's rather a lot.

Good, good.

Do you really
need 12 gallons?

Mmm... no.
no, not really.

Do you test it?

No.

Well, why do
you want it?

Well, we do it
to make sure

That you're serious
about wanting insurance.

I mean, if you're not

You won't spend
a couple of months

Filling up that
enormous churn with...

Mmm... so on and so on.

Shall I bring it in?

Lord, no. throw it away.

Throw it away?

I was months
filling that thing up.

And we've just heard
that her majesty, the queen

Has just tuned in
to this program

And she is now watching
this royal sketch

Here in this royal set.

The actor on the left
is wearing the great gray suit

Of the bbc wardrobe department

And the other actor
is about to deliver

The first great royal joke
here this royal evening.

Going to the right,
you can see the royal cameraman

And behind...

Oh, we just heard
she's switched over.

She's watching news at ten.

...despite
the union's recommendation

That the strikers should accept
the second and third clauses

Of the agreement
arrived at last thursday.

Today saw the publication

Of the mcguffie commission's
controversial report

On treatment of inpatients
in north london hospitals.

Get on parade!

Come on, come on!

We haven't got all day, have we?

Come on, come on, come on!

Hurry up!

Right!

Now, I know
some hospitals

Where you get the patients
lying around in bed--

Sleeping, resting,
recuperating, convalescing.

Well, that's not the way
we do things here, right?!

No, you won't be loafing about
in bed

Wasting the doctors' time.

You!
you horrible little cripple!

What's the matter
with you?

Fractured tibia, sergeant.

"fractured tibia, sergeant."

"fractured tibia, sergeant,"
ooh.

Proper little mummy's boy,
aren't we?!

Well, I'll tell you something,
my fine friend.

If you fracture a tibia here,
you keep quiet about it!

Look at him!
he's broke both his arms

And he don't go shouting
about it, do he?!

No!
'cause he's a man, you...

He's a woman,
you see

So don't try that
fractured tibia talk with me!

Get on for detail at the double!
one, two, three.

Pick that crutch up!

Pick that crutch
right up!

Right...
squad... 'tion!

Squad, right turn!

Squad, by the left,
quick limp!

Come on,
pick 'em up, there!

Get some air
in those wounds!

Here at st. pooves,
we believe in a.r.t.--

Active recuperation techniques.

We try
to help the patient understand

That however ill he may be

He can still fulfill
a useful role in society.

Sun lounge, please,
mr. griffiths.

Well...

I got a triple fracture
of the right leg

Dislocated collarbone
and multiple head injuries

So I do most of the heavy work,
like helping the surgeon.

What does that involve?

Well, at the moment, we're
building him a holiday home.

What about the nurses?

Oh, well,
I don't know about them.

They're not allowed
to mix with the patients.

Do all the patients work?

No, no. the ones
that are really ill do sport.

Yes, one thing patients here
dread are the runs.

How are you feeling?

Much better.

But the patients
are allowed visiting hours

And this week they're visiting
an iron foundry at swindon

Which is crying out
for unskilled labor.

But this
isn't the only hospital

Where doctors' conditions
are improving.

We have very little shortage
of doctors here.

We have over 40 doctors
per bed... uh, patient.

Oh, be honest : bed.

We've every facility here

For dealing with people
who are rich.

We can deal with a blocked purse

We can drain private accounts,
and in the worst cases

We can perform
a total cashectomy

Which is total removal
of all moneys from the patient.

Well, here we try to help people

Who have to link sketches
together.

We try to stop them saying

"have you ever wondered
what it would be like if...?"

And instead
say something like, um...

"and now,
the mountaineering sketch."

Well, I haven't written
a mountaineering sketch, but...

Now to the exploding version
of "the blue danube."

And now a dormitory
in a girls' public school.

Hello. agnes?

Agnes, are you awake?

Agnes?

Agnes?

Who is it?

Is that you, charlie?

Yeah, agnes.

Where is jane?

I'm over here, charlie.

Jane, we're going down
to raid the tuck shop.

Oh, good-o.

Count me in, girls.

Can I come, too, agnes?

Yeah, joyce.

And me and avril?

Yeah, rather.
and suki.

Oh, whacko
the diddle-oh.

Cave, girls.

Here comes miss rodgers.

All right, girls.

Now, stop this tomfoolery
and get back into bed.

Remember, it's
the big match

At st. bridget's
tomorrow.

Yes, on your screen tomorrow--

Starring the men
of the 14th marine commandos.

And now it's documentary time

When we look
at the momentous last years

Of the second world war

And tonight, the invasion
of normandy, performed

By the girls of oakdend high
school, upper fifth science.

Oh, it's still raining.

I'm going
down the shops.

Oh, be a dear and get me

Some rats' bane
for the budgie's boil.

Otherwise,
I'll put your eyes out.

Aye, aye,
captain.

Coo-ee. torpedo bay.

Yoo-hoo. torpedo bay.

She said torpedo bay.

Yes, she did.
she did.

Yes, she said torpedo bay,
she did, she did.

Said torpedo bay,
she did, she did.

Mrs. lieutenant edale here.

Mrs. midshipman nesbitt's got
one of her headaches again

so I put her
in the torpedo tube.

Roger, mrs. edale.

Stand by to fire
mrs. nesbitt.

Stand by
to fire mrs. nesbitt.

Standing by
to fire mrs. nesbitt.

Red alert.

Put the kettle on.

Kettle on.

Engine room, stand
by to feed the cat.

Standing by to feed the cat.

Fire mrs. nesbitt!

Oh, that's much better.

As an admiral who came up
through the ranks

More times than you've had
hot dinners

I wish to join my husband
admiral o.w.a. giveaway

In condemning
this shoddy misrepresentation

Of our modern navy.

The british navy
is one of the finest

And most attractive

And butchest fighting forces
in the world.

I love
those white-flag trousers

And the feel
of rough blue serge

On those pert little buttocks.

I'm afraid we're unable to show
you any more of that letter.

We continue with a man
with a stoat through his head.

And now...

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

That's rather a personal
question, sir.

You stupid git.

I meant how long
have we been in the lifeboat?

You've spoilt
the atmosphere now.

I'm sorry.

Shut up.

We'll have to start again.

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

33 days, sir.

33 days.

I don't think we can
hold out much longer.

I don't think
I did spoil

The atmosphere.
shut up!

I'm sorry. I don't
think I did.

Of course you did.

Do you think I spoilt
the atmosphere?

Well, i...

Look, shut up!
shut up.

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

33 days, sir.

Can we start
it again?

Oh!

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

33 days, sir.

33 days?

Yes.

We can't hold
out much longer.

We haven't had any food
since the fifth day.

We're done for,
we're done for.

Shut up, maudling.

We've just got
to keep hoping

Someone will find us.

How are you
feeling, captain?

Not so good.

I feel so weak.

We can't hold
out much longer.

Listen, chaps.

There's one last chance.

I'm done for.

I've got a gammy leg
and I'm going fast.

I'll never get through, but...

Some of you might.

So you'd better eat me.

Eat you, sir?

Yes. eat me.

Ugh. with a gammy leg?

You don't have to eat
the leg, thompson.

There's still plenty
of good meat.

Look at that arm.

It's not... just
the leg, sir.

What do you mean?

Well, sir, it's
just that...

Why don't you want
to eat me?

I'd rather eat
johnson, sir.

Oh, so would
i, sir.

I see.

Well, that's
settled then.

Everyone eats me.

Well, i, um...

What sir?

No, no. you go ahead.
I won't...

Nonsense,
nonsense, sir.

You're starving.
tuck in.

No, it's not just that.

What's the matter
with johnson, sir?

Well, he's not kosher.

Depends how
we kill him, sir.

Yes, yes, I see that,
but, uh...

Well, to be quite frank

I like my meat
a little more lean.

I'd rather eat hodges.

Oh, well,
all right.

No, I still prefer
to eat johnson.

I wish you'd all stop bickering
and eat me.

I tell you what, why don't
those of us who want to

Eat johnson,
then, you, sir, can eat my leg

And then we'll make a stock
of the captain, and after that

We can eat the rest of johnson
cold for supper?

Good thinking, hodges.

And we'll finish off
with the peaches.

And we can start off
with the avocados.

Waitress?
yes.

Waitress, we've decided now.

We're going to have
a leg of hodges...

Dear sir, I'm glad to hear
that your studio audience

Disapproves of the last skit
as strongly as i.

As a naval officer,
I abhor the implication

That the royal navy
is a haven for cannibalism.

It is well known
that we now have the problem

Relatively under control

And that it is the r.a.f
who now suffer

The largest casualties
in this area.

What do you think
the argylls ate in aden? arabs?

Yours, etc.,
captain b.j. smethwick

In a white wine sauce with
shallots, mushrooms and garlic.

Stop it. stop it.

Stop this cannibalism.

Let's have a sketch about
clean, decent human beings.

Morning.

Ah, good morning.

What can I do
for you, squire?

Uh, well, I wonder
if you can help me.

Um, you see my
mother's just died.

Oh, we can help.
we deal with stiffs.

What?

Well, there are

Three things
we can do with your mother.

We can burn her,
bury her or dump her.

Dump her?

Dump her in the thames.

What?

Oh. did you like her?

Yes.

We won't dump her then.

What do you think?

We can bury her
or burn her.

Well, which do
you recommend?

Well, they're both nasty.

If we burn her, she gets
stuffed in the flames--

Crackle, crackle, crackle--
which is a bit of a shock

If she's not quite dead,
but quick.

Then we give you
a handful of ashes

Which you can pretend
were hers.

Oh. I see.

Or if we bury her,
she gets eaten up

By lots of weevils
and nasty maggots

Which, as I said before,
is a bit of a shock

If she's not quite dead.

I see. well, she's, uh...
she's definitely dead.

Where is she?

Well, she's
in this sack.

She looks quite young.

Yes. yes, she was.

Fred!

Yeah?

I think we've
got an eater.

What?

I'll get the oven on.

Right.

Uh... excuse me.

Um, are you, uh...
are you suggesting

Eating my mother?

Yeah.

Not raw.

Cooked.

What?

Yes. roasted
with a few french fries

Broccoli, horseradish sauce.

Well, I do feel
a bit peckish.

Great.

Disgraceful!

Can we have
some parsnips?

Fred, get some parsnips.

I really don't
think I should.

Look, tell you what,
we'll eat her

If you feel a bit guilty
about it afterwards

We can dig a grave
and you can throw up in it.