Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974): Season 3, Episode 1 - Whicker's World - full transcript

I, eric, um...

And now...

It's...

Monty python's flying circus.

Michael norman randall

You have been found guilty

Of the murder
of arthur reginald webster

Charles patrick trumpington

Marcel agnes bernstein,
lewis anona rudd

John malcolm kerr

Nigel sinclair robinson,
norman arthur potter



Felicity jayne stone

Jean-paul reynard,
rachel shirley donaldson

Stephen jay greenblatt

Karl-heinz muller

Belinda anne ventham

Juan-carlos fernandez

Thor olaf stensgaard

Lord kimberley of pretoria

Lady kimberley of pretoria

The right honourable
nigel warmsley kimberley

Robert henry noonan
and felix james bennett

On or about the morning
of the 19th of december, 1972.

Have you anything to say
before I pass sentence?

Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.



"very sorry"?!

Yes, sir. it was a very,
very bad thing to have done

And I'm really very ashamed
of myself.

I can only say
it won't happen again.

To have murdered so many people
in such a short space of time

Is really awful

And I really am very,
very, very sorry that I did it

And also that I've
taken up so much

Of the court's
valuable time

Listening to the sordid details

Of these senseless
killings of mine.

I'd particularly like to say

A very personal and sincere
sorry to you, m'lord

For my appalling behavior
throughout this trial.

I'd also like to say
sorry, too, for the police

For putting them
to so much trouble--

For the literally hours of
work they've had to put in

Collecting evidence

And identifying corpses
and so forth.

You know, I think sometimes
we ought to realize

The difficult
and often dangerous work

Involved in tracking down
violent criminals like myself

And I'd just like them to know

That their fine work is at least
appreciated by me.

Oh, no, no.

We were only
doing our job.

No, no, really.

That's very good
of you to say that

But I know what
you've been through.

Oh, no, no.
we've had worse.

It was plain sailing,
apart from the arrest.

I know and
I'm grateful.

I'd like to apologize, too,
to the prosecuting counsel

For dragging him in here
morning after morning

In such lovely weather.

Well, I would have had
to come in anyway.

Ah, good. but what
a presentation of a case.

Oh. thank you.

Oh, no. it's a privilege
to watch you in action.

I never had a chance.

Oh, yes, you did.

Oh, not after that
summing up. great.

Oh. thank you.

And now I must come
to the jury.

What can I say?

I've dragged you in here
day after day

Keeping you away
from your homes

Your jobs,
your loved ones

Just to hear
the private details

Of my petty atrocities.

No, no.

It was very
interesting.

But you could have had
a much nicer case.

Oh, no, no, no.
murder's much more fun.

Yes. and so many of them.

Excellent.

We've had a terrific time.

I'm sorry. I'm very moved.

So, m'lord it only remains

For you to pass the most savage
sentence on me

That the law can provide.

Well, uh, not necessarily.

Uh, no, m'lord. the full penalty
of the law is hardly sufficient.

I insist I must be made
an example of.

Well, yes and no.

I mean, society at large...

Oh, no, m'lord!

Not with mass murder.

Oh, but in this case,
don't you think...?

Yes, yes.

Oh, come on, m'lord!

You've got to give me life.

No!
no. no.

Well, ten years at least.
come on.

Ten years?

Shame, shame.

Well, five then.
be fair.

No, no,
no, no.

I'm giving you three months.

Oh, my god, that's
so embarrassing.

I won't hear of it.

Give me six. please.

Well... all right.

Six months.

Thank you, m'lord.

But suspended.

Oh!

Three cheers
for the defendant!

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

Hip-hip...

Hooray!

For he's
a jolly good felon

For he's
a jolly good felon

For he's
a jolly good felon...

Which nobody can deny...

It's no good, spider.

You can't escape
that easily.

We're coming in
after you.

This way, davis.

Hmm. we'd best separate.

I'm going down there.

You check the
right ventricle.

Any sign of him, davis?

Why, no. nothing here.

All right.

We'll check the spleen.

Wait!

Oh, my god! he's down
the back of us!

Quick! we've got
to catch him

Before he
reaches the neck.

Oh, no.
too late, davis!

He's got out!

Oh! he's eating!

Run for it!

Ah!

Oh, my god!

We're here
in the stomach!

Oh...

This little-known
icelandic saga

Written by an unknown hand
in the late 13th century

Has remained undiscovered
until today.

Now it comes to your screens
for the first time

Fresh from the leaves
of iceland's history.

The terrible njorl's saga...

It's not that terrible.

No, I meant
terribly violent.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Erik njorl, son of frothgar

Leaves his home to seek
hangar the elder

At the house
of thorvald nlodvisson

The son of gudleif

Half-brother of thorgier,
the priest of ljosa water

Who took to wife thurunn,
the mother of thorkel braggart

The slayer of gudmund
the powerful

Who knew howal, son of geernon,
son of erik from vadalesc

Son arval gristlebeard,
son of harken

Who killed bjortguaard
in sochnadale in norway

Over gudreed, daughter
of thorkel long

The son of kettle-trout

The half-son
of harviyoun half-troll

Father of ingbare the brave

Who wed isenbert
of gottenberg

The daughter of hangbard
the fierce...

We apologize for an error
in the saga.

Evidently thorgier,
the priest of ljosa water

Who took to wife thurunn,
the mother of thorkel braggart

The slayer
of gudmund the powerful

Who knew howal, son of geernon,
son of erik from vadalesc...

Well, I'm afraid we're having
a little trouble

Getting this very exciting
icelandic saga started.

If any of you at home
have any ideas

About how to get this
exciting saga started again

Here's the address to write to:

Help the exciting
icelandic saga

18-b macnorten buildings, oban.

Hello, um, well

I was the third voice
you heard just now.

Uh, I'm sorry
about that terrible mess.

It wasn't all that terrible.

No, no, I meant terrible
in the sense of unfortunate.

Oh.

Anyway, um, our plea

For assistance has been answered

By the north malden
icelandic saga society

Who've given us some very useful
information about the saga

And so we carry on now
with "njorl's saga"

With our thanks going once again

To the north malden
icelandic saga society.

Erik njorl, son of frothgar

Rode off
into the desolate plain.

Day and night he rode

Looking neither
to right nor left

Stopping neither
for food nor rest.

12 days and nights he rode,
through rain and storm

Through wind and snow

Beyond the enchanted waterfall

Through the elfin glades

Until he reached his goal.

He had found
the rich and pleasant land

Beyond the mountains...

The land where golden streams

Sang their way
through fresh, green meadows

Where there were
halls and palaces

An excellent swimming pool

And one of the most attractive

Bonus incentive schemes

For industrial development
in the city.

Only 15 miles from excellent

Thames-side docking facilities

And within easy reach
of the proposed m25.

Here it was that eric njorl,
son of frothgar

Met the mayor

Mr. arthur huddinut,
a local solicitor.

Welcome to north malden.

Yes, everyone is welcome
to north malden

But none more so than the
businessmen and investors

Who shape our society
of the future.

Here at north malden...

And we apologize to viewers
of njorl's saga

Who may be confused

By so many references
to north malden.

And after a frank exchange
of views, we have agreed

To carry on showing
this version supplied to us

By the north malden
icelandic saga society

On the undertaking
that future scenes

Will adhere more closely

To the spirit
of 12th century iceland.

With moist eyes,
eric leaves this happy land

To return to the harsh
uneconomic realities

Of life in the land
of ljosa waters.

On his way,
eric rested a while

In the land of bjornsstrand--
the land of dark forces

Where gildor was king.

These were the dukes
of the land of bjornsstrand.

Proud warriors
who bore on their chests

The letters
of their dread name.

Uh, hello?

Is that the north malden
icelandic society?

Yes, that's right.

It's about this saga.

Oh, yes, the
icelandic saga.

Yes.
good, isn't it?

Well, uh,
well, I don't know

but, I mean, you promised us
that you would stick

to the spirit
of the original text.

Yes, that's right.

Well, I mean, a lot of these
things that are happening--

I mean, well, they just
don't quite ring true.

Well, it's a new
interpretation, really.

Well, we didn't want
a new int...

I mean, we wanted
the proper thing.

I mean, just look
what's happening now.

Banners were a
very important part

of icelandic
lore, mr. mills.

Well, then, I mean,
no, no, I'm sorry.

I just can't accept that.
it's gone too far.

I'm very sorry, but we'll have
to terminate the agreement.

Oh!

Well, you're just trying
to cash in

on the bbc's
exciting icelandic saga.

That's business,
mr. mills.

Well, that's as may be

but it's not the way
the bbc works.

Well, I'm very sorry
you feel that way

but, uh, you know,
if you ever want

to come to malden...

8:00 is a peak viewing hour

So naturally, we tend to stick
to our comedy output.

Unless, of course,
there's sport

Because, of course,
we know this is popular

And popularity
is what television is about.

Quite frankly,
I'm sick and tired

Of people accusing us
of being ratings conscious.

"ratings conscious"?

Transmitting bland garbage,
m'lord.

Mmm. thank you.

Now I'm really cheesed off!

I mean, it's not
your highbrow, bleeding plays

That pull in the viewers,
you know.

Thank you.

I mean, joe public

Doesn't want to sit down
and watch three hours

Of documentaries every evening.

Thank you.
he wants to sit down

And he wants to be entertained!

He doesn't want a load of...

No, really!
I'm absolutely fed up with it!

I really am!
case dismissed.

"case dismissed," m'lord?

All right-- five years.

Thank you, m'lord.

Call the next
case, please.

Call erik njorl

Son of frothgar,
brother of hangnor...

Call erik njorl

Son of frothgar,
brother of hangnor...

Call erik njorl

Son of frothgar,
brother of hangnor...

...the slayer of
gudmund's son...

You are erik njorl,
son of frothgar...

Get on with it.

Would you raise
your right hand?

He obviously can't
raise his right hand

You silly usher person.

Can you raise your right leg,
mr. njorl?

Can you raise any part
of your body, mr. njorl?

I see. well,
we'll skip that.

Well, just
take the book

In your right
hand, mr. njorl

Without raising any
part of your body.

Oh.

What is it now

You persistently silly usher?

He can't hold the bible, m'lord.

Oh, screw the bible!

Let's get on
with this bleeding trial!

I've got a gay lib meeting
at 6:00.

Superintendent lufthansa,
will you please read the charge?

Is a charge strictly necessary,
m'lord?

The press is here.

Oh! oh, sorry.

Um...

Right! here we go.

You are hereby charged:

One, that you did,
on or about 1126

Conspire to publicize a
london borough

In the course
of a bbc saga;

Two, that you were

Willfully and persistently
a foreigner;

Three, that you conspired
to do things

Not normally
considered illegal;

Four, that you were
caught in possession

Of an offensive weapon

Viz, the big, brown table
down at the police station.

The big, brown table
down at the police station?

It's the best we
could find, m'lord.

And five: all
together now!

Assaulting a police officer!

Thank you!

Call police constable pan-am.

Into the
witness box

Constable!

There'll be plenty of
time for that later on.

Now...

You are police
constable pan-am?

No! I deny that
to the last breath in my body!

Oh! sorry. yes.

Police constable, do you recognize
the defendant?

No! never seen him
before in my life!

Oh! yes! yes!

He's the one!

He done it!

I'd recognize
him anywhere.

Sorry, super.

Constable, will you please tell
the court

In your own words
what happened.

Oh, yes!

I was proceeding
in a northerly direction

Up alitalia street...

When I saw the deceased...

Standing at an
upstairs window

Baring her bosom
at the general public.

She then took off her...

Wait a tick!

Wrong story.

Oh, yes!

There were three nuns
in a railway compartment

And the ticket in...

No? anyway, I clearly
saw the deceased...

The defendant!

Defendant! sorry.

Sorry, super.

I clearly saw
the defendant

Doing whatever
he's accused of

Uh, red-handed.

When kicked, uh,
cautioned, he said...

"it's a fair...
cop, I done it all.

Right. no... doubt
about... that."

Then, bound as he
was to the chair

He assaulted myself

And three other
constables

While bouncing
around the cell.

The end.

Thank you,
thank you.

And for my next
piece of evidence...

I-i think you'd better
leave it there, constable.

Excellent evidence,
constable.

Thank you
very much.

Now, mr. njorl, will you
tell the court, please

Where were you on
the night of 1126?

Move any part of your body

If you were north of a line
from the humber to the mersey.

Is he in there,
do you think?

Hello, hello, defendant?

Are you there?

Coo-ee!

Defendant?

I think we better go
and have a look, maurice.

Don't call me maurice
in court!

Are you in there?

Mr. njorl?

This way, davis.

He's not getting away
this time.

We'll go down there and
through the left lung.

It was around
the left lung that...

Once again,
I've proved too clever for...

And now,
the stock market report

By exchange telegraph.

Trading was crisp
at the start of the day

With some brisk business
on the floor.

Rubber hardened,
and string remained confident.

Little bits of tin consolidated

Although biscuits sank
after an early gain

And stools remained anonymous.

Armpits rallied well
after a poor start.

Nipples rose dramatically
during the morning

But had declined
by mid-afternoon

While teeth clenched,
and buttocks remained firm.

Small, dark, furry things
increased severely on the floor

Whilst rude jellies
wobbled up and down

And bounced
against rising thighs

Which had spread to all parts
of the country by mid-afternoon.

After lunch,
naughty things dipped sharply

Forcing giblets upwards
with the nicky nacky noo.

Ting tang tong rankled dithely,
little tipples pooped

And poppy things went pong!

Gibble gabble gobble

Went the rickety rackety roo,
as the...

Eh, that'll teach you
to be normal.

Hmm?

Hmm.

Hello, mrs. premise.

Hello, mrs. conclusion.

Busy day?

Busy? I just spent
four hours

Burying the cat.

Four hours to
bury a cat?

Yes. he wouldn't
keep still.

Wriggling about,
howling its head off.

Oh, it wasn't
dead then?

Well, no, no.

But it's not at all
a well cat.

So as we were going away
for a fortnight's holiday

I thought I better bury it
just to be on the safe side.

Quite right.

You don't want to come back
from sorrento to a dead cat.

It would be so anticlimactic.

Yes, kill it now.

That's what I say.

Yes.

We're going to have

To have our budgie put down.

Really? is he very old?

No. we just don't like it.

We're going
to take it

To the vet tomorrow.

Tell me, how do they
put budgies down then?

Well, it's funny
you should ask that

But I've just been
reading a great big book

About how to put
your budgie down

And apparently, you can either
hit them with a book

Or you can shoot
them just there

Just above the beak.

Just there?
yes.

Well, well, well.

Of course, mrs. essence
flushed hers

Down the loo.

Oh, no, you
shouldn't do that.

No, that's dangerous.

Yes, they breed
in the sewers

And eventually you get
evil-smelling flocks

Of huge,
soiled budgies

Flying out of
people's lavatories

Infringing their
personal freedom.

Good morning,
mrs. cut-out.

Morning, mrs. cut-out.

It's a funny thing,
freedom.

I mean

How can any of us
be really free

When we still have
personal possessions?

You can't. you can't.

I mean, how can I go off
and join frelimo

When I've got nine
more installments

To pay on the fridge?

No, you can't. you can't.

Well, this, of course,
is the whole crux

Of jean-paul sartre's
roads to freedom.

No, it bloody isn't.

The nub of that is
his characters stand

For all of us in their desire
to avoid action.

Mind you, the man
at the off-license

Says it's an
everyday story

Of french
country folk.

What do they know?
nothing.

60 new pence
for a bottle of maltese claret.

I personally think that--
oh, beg your pardon--

I personally think that
jean-paul's masterwork

Is an allegory of man's
search for commitment.

No, it isn't.
yes, it is.

'tisn't!
'tis!

No, it isn't!

All right. we can
soon settle this.

We'll ask him.

Do you know him?
yes.

We met on holiday
last year.

In ibiza?

Yes. he was staying
there with his wife

And mr. and mrs. genet.

Oh, I did get on well
with madam s.

We were like that.

What was jean-paul like?

Well, you know,
a bit moody.

Yes.
yes.

He didn't join
in the fun much.

Just sat there
thinking.

Still, mr. rotter
caught him a few times

With a whoopee cushion.

Le captitalisme
et la bourgeoisie

Ils sont la meme chose...

Oh, we did laugh.

Oh, dear.

Well, we'll give
him a tinkle then.

Yes, all right.

She said they were
in the book.

Where's the paris
telephone directory?

It's on the dryer.

No, no.
that's budapest.

Oh, here we are.

Sartre, sartre...

It's 621036.

Oh, thank you, mrs. farley.

Hello? paris 621036, please.

And make it snappy, buster.

Bthe girl from ipanema
goes walking

Tall and young and tan...

Hello. hello, mrs. sartre.

It's beulagh premise here.

Oh, pardon.

C'est beulagh premise ici.

Oui, oui, dans ibiza.

Oui. we met...

Nous nous recontrons
au hotel miramar.

Oui, a la barbeque,
c'est vrai.

Est-ce que jean
est chez vouz?

Oh, merde.

When will he be free?

Oh, pardon.

Quand sera t'il libre?

She says he's spent
the last 60 years

Trying to work
that one out.

Oh, trez amusant,
madame s.

Oui, absolument.

A bientot.

Well, he's out distributing
pamphlets to the masses

But he'll be in
at 6:00.

Oh, well, I'll
ring b.e.a. then.

Oh, look! paris!

That's not paris.

Jean-paul wouldn't

Live here.

It's a right
old dump.

But this is
where they were wrong.

For this was no old dump,
but a town with a future

An urban eldorado where the
businessman of today can enjoy

The facilities of tomorrow
in the comfort of yesterday.

Provided by a go-getting,
go-ahead council

Who know just how loud
money can talk.

Interest rates...

Well, it's none
of my business

But we had
the same trouble

With one
of our icelandic sagas.

These people are terribly keen

But they do rather
tend to take over.

I think I'd stick to caribbean
islands if I were you.

Fine.

And now, back to the saga.

Here-- this is
not paris.

This is iceland.

Oh... well.

Paris must be
over there then.

Oh.

The girl from ipanema
goes walking...

Ooh, here we are.

Number 25.

Oh, yes.
flat one

Yves montand, flat three,
jacques cousteau

Flat four, jean genet
and friend...

Ooh, yes.

Flat five,
maurice laroux.

Who's he?

Never heard of him.

Flat six, marcel marceau

Walking against the wind,
limited.

Flat seven, indira gandhi.

She gets about
a bit, doesn't she?

Yes.
yes.

Flat eight, jean-paul
and betty-muriel sartre.

Oui?

C'est nous,
betty-muriel.

Excusez que nous
sommes en retard.

Entrez.

Oui, merci.

...mais je suis forte...

Oh, rubbish.

Bonjour.

Parlez vouz anglais?

Oh, yes. good day.

Hello, love.

How are you?

This is mrs. conclusion
from number 46.

Oh, nice to
meet you, dear.

Hello.

How's the old
man been?

Oh, don't ask.

He's in one
of his bleeding moods.

The bourgeoisie this,
it's the bourgeoisie that.

He's like a little child
sometimes.

I was only telling the raniers
the other day--

Of course,
he's always rude to them

Only classy friends we got--

I was saying,
"solidarity with the masses"

I said, "pie in the sky."

Ooh, you're not a marxist,
are you, mrs. conclusion?

No, I'm a revisionist.

Oh, good.

I mean, look at this place!

I'm at my wits' end--

Revolutionary leaflets
everywhere.

One of these days,
I'll revolutionary leaflets him.

If it wasn't for the goat

You couldn't get in here
for propaganda.

Well, very well.

Can we, uh, pop in

And have a word
with him?

Yes, come along.

Thank you.

But be careful.
he's had a few.

Oh.

Mind you, he's good as
gold in the morning--

I've got to
hand it to him--

But come lunchtime, it's
a bottle of vin ordinaire.

Six glasses and he's
ready to agitate.

Uh, coo-ee!

Jean-paul?

Jean-paul?

Ah, it's only us.

Oh, pardon,
c'est meme nous.

Oui.

Jean-paul, your famous
trilogy, rues a liberte

Is it an allegory of man's
search for commitment?

Oui.

Told you so.

Oh, coitus.

Today, we look
at a vanishing race

A problem people
who are fast disappearing

Off the face of the earth...

A race who one might say
are losing a winning battle.

They live
in a sunshine paradise

A caribbean dream
where only reality is missing...

For this is whicker island...

An island inhabited entirely
by ex-international interviewers

In pursuit
of the impossible dream.

The whole problem
of whicker island

Is here in a nutshell.

There are
just too many whickers.

The light-weight suits...

The old school ties...

The practiced voice
of the seasoned campaigner...

Cannot hide
the basic tragedy here.

There just aren't
enough rich people left

To interview.

You can't teach
an old dog new tricks

And so you find them...

Sitting beside
elegant swimming pools...

Sipping martinis...

And waiting
for the inevitable interview.

I talked to the island's
only white man, father pierre.

Father pierre, why
did you stay on

In this colonial
campari-land

Where the clink
of glasses mingles

With the murmur of
a million mosquitoes

Where waterfalls of whisky
wash away the worries

Of a world-weary whicker

Where gin and tonics jingle
in a gyroscopic jubilee

Of something
beginning with "j"?

Father pierre, why
did you stay on here?

Well...

Mainly for the interviews.

Well, there you have it.

A crumbling...

Empire in the sun-drenched...

Caribbean, where the cliches
sparkle on the waters...

Like the music of repeat fees...

And so...

From whicker island...

It's...

Fare...

Well, and...

Bon...

Voy...

Age.